BPD Mother: 7 Effects She Has On Her Daughter

September 20, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

( The effect of being raised by a BPD mother )

For most children, Mom is a safe home base.

She is the lap you come home to… and the lap you push off from. In the developmental dance from dependence to independence, a daughter needs Mom as the solid base of support- a mature version of what you hope to become.

Ideally, Mom is the one who can make it all better when the world gets too scary.

But what if Mom is the scary one?

What if instead of being a port in the storm… Mom is the storm.

What if mom is raging, out of control, self-destructive… and unpredictable?

Where do you go? What do you do?

In those moments when you were a child, scared, hurting, and alone…. you turned to Mom, and Mom couldn’t help you.

Caught in a raging sea of emotion that pulled her far away from you and into a world of her own.

An emotional child in a grownup body, Mom, didn’t have the bandwidth to help you with your struggles when she had so many of her own. So you were left out in the cold all on your own.

Alternatively, sensing you wanted closeness, she drew you in close, too close.

While at first, this might have felt good… soon you realized the closeness was for her benefit, not yours. There was a demanding, clinging nature to it.

You couldn’t break away from a Mom who just can’t let go without bringing on her upset.

And like a drowning person, she clung to you as if her emotional life depended on it – her death grip threatening to pull you under with her.

SUFFOCATING. OVERWHELMING. OPPRESSIVE.

Then, at other times you are left to witness Mom’s churning, frantic attempts to fill her unbearable emptiness with men or booze, drugs or drama? Either you were collateral damage of the drama, or you were the focus of her drama.

SO.MUCH.DRAMA.

Either way, living in the emotionally upside-down world as a child with a BPD mother, you are left with emotional wounds that don’t go away just because you’ve gotten older.

An untreated BPD Mother, otherwise known as a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder, has trouble meeting the demands of parenting adequately. Her disorder will render her devoid of the stability, resilience, and maturity to be the central support every child needs.

And daughters, especially the attuned, sensitive daughter, will take on the role of the good daughter.

Let’s turn to the characteristics of a BPD mother that impact her child

In general, the BPD Mother has primitive defenses or psychological coping mechanisms.

And…

children by definition have primitive psychological defenses. Thus being dependent on someone older and has the power over you but not the maturity can be terrifying for a child who has yet to develop those skills herself. Children frequently repress their needs for the sake of the needy parent-clearly to the detriment of the child.

Here are some traits of the BPD mother that have a substantial impact on her daughter

Mom’s fear of abandonment– because she didn’t have reliable, consistent caregivers at pivotal times in her development, she can be stuck on hyper-alert for signs a person close to them will leave them.
Mom’s instability and volatility– a combination of sensitivity and vulnerability the BPD mother never develops a stable sense of self.
Mom’s chronic sense of emptiness- lacking a reliable sense of core self, a BPD mother can turn to self-destructive impulsive activities in an attempt to fill the void.
Mom’s tendency to idealize and vilify others– through a process called splitting, Mom sees people and circumstances as all good or all bad. Thus here, relationships are frequently in turmoil.

7 Ways Your BPD Mother Impacted You

1. You walks on eggshells

” I never know when Mom is going to lose it and… over what. I end up walking on eggshells around her.”

Never knowing when her BPD Mother will get triggered and freak out (often, without warning), her daughter learns to tiptoe around Mom, suppressing her own needs in an attempt to avoid upsetting Mom.

2. You can’t trust your judgment

“When it comes to making decisions I’m always second-guessing myself. I can’t trust I’ll make the right decisions when it comes to relationships.”

In early life, we look to our mothers to mirror the effect we have on them. Then, we extrapolate this primary relationship template to others. This happens at an automatic and mainly unconscious level. When Mom experiences you as her heroine one minute and the villain the next, you don’t know who you are in relation to others- how could you?

3. You keep waiting for the other shoe to drop

” I can’t let down my guard and relax. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop…..because in my experience, it usually does.”

A lifetime of her BPD mother’s unpredictable moods trains her daughter to be on constant high alert. In her experience, things go south, and they go south at the drop of a hat. You figure, its better to expect it than to be taken by surprise. If you anticipate everything going sour, you won’t be taken by surprise when it does.

4. You constantly feel guilty

“I always feel like everything is my fault even when I know it isn’t. I’m terrified to dissapoint anyone for any reason.”

Daughters of BPD mothers frequently internalize the belief that they are soley responsible for their Mother’s happiness. Living with a BPD Mother trains her daughter to atttend to everyone else’s needs rather than her own. Thus she feels guilty when she attends to her own life.

5. You can’t say, “No.”

You would think I’ve committed a federal crime by the way Mom reacts… if I tell her, ” No.” I can’t even consider it.”

Because the BPD mother can smell (or thinks she can) rejection a country mile away, when she is refused anything, for any she is triggered and becomes very upset. Her daughter feels like she can’t refuse her mother anything.

6. You have trouble setting and sticking to boundaries

” Setting a boundary makes me feel like I’ve broken a rule I didn’t know was there. Mom gets so upset, it’s just not worth it.”

Since boundaries are the antidote to enmeshment, even a normal one sets off Mom’s alarm bells. No wonder the daughter of the BPD mother feels like she’s doing something wrong to set a boundary and is likely to cave at the first sign of pushback.

7. You wonder if you’re the crazy one.

” I’m not sure what is normal anymore. Life has been such a chaotic roller coaster I think I have permanent vertigo. I just want peace and a normal life. ”

You’re not bad and you’re not crazy. You were having an absolutely normal reaction to an abnormal situation. Most likely you’ve done the work of two people to survive. In fact, you’ve been doing a high wire act your entire life- balancing your BPD mother’s ever-changing needs with your own.

You don’t know that you can come down and take a seat. You don’t have to work so hard. It really isn’t up to you to keep another person afloat.

Understanding the impact a BPD mother’s parenting has had on you the first step towards recovery.

Find out if you are caught in the good daughter trap here.

For one on one help -go here.

Controlling Mother? 5 (Unexpected) Steps to Break Free

September 11, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

( How to break free from a controlling mother)

A manipulative, intrusive, overbearing, micromanaging…. controlling mother can make your life miserable. In the extreme, it can be soul-crushing and do violence to your sense of agency, leaving you wounded with a lifetime of low self-esteem and self-doubt.

Are you ready to break free from your controlling mother?

Let me set you up for success with my 5 step process.

First, you need to know where your controlling mother is coming from. What exactly is motivating her? Then you need to take a look at your part in the equation and adjust accordingly. Finally, you need to set your intention, handle the inevitable pushback, and go forward with the conviction that you are the boss of you!

Okay, so here we go. I will take you through a series of questions that will lay the foundation of your liberation. Please stick with me until the end.

1) Know what’s controlling her, so you will know why she needs to control you!

Yes, easier said than done, admittedly; however, with a little research, you can gather a good idea about what’s driving your mother to act the way she does. If mom has a personality disorder, she will be most certainly be compelled to act in controlling ways.

Is Mom narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, or have traits of these disorders? First, go here to find out.

If she does indeed have a personality disorder, she will most assuredly be using you to supply her own needs. In other words, to get her needs met, she has to maintain control over you. A personality disorder, traits of a disorder, trauma, or cultural pressures can drive Mom’s extreme need for control.

controlling mother

Let’s take a look at what I mean-

Superiority– does your controlling Mother need to be better than you or defeat you?

This can be a sign of having a narcissistic personality disorder or a trait of that disorder. But, overall, Mom needs to keep you under her thumb to keep you one-down.

Fear– is your controlling Mother afraid for you?

Mom could be a fearful person in general. In her experience, the world is a fearful place where one misstep results in catastrophic consequences. So in her mind, she needs to save you from a world full of danger through control.

Relevance– is your controlling Mother terrified of becoming irrelevant?

Is she only value-added if she tells you something you don’t know? At the core of this need for control is low self-esteem. In this case, she needs to control you to feel better about herself.

Can’t let go -does your controlling Mother have abandonment issues and won’t let you go?

In the extreme… fear of abandonment is a hallmark trait of borderline personality disorder. However, many difficult mothers simply have trouble letting go of their daughters and releasing them into their own lives. This mom needs to control you to keep you close.

Over identification- does your controlling Mother see herself in you and assume you all are the same?

If so, she will assume if something is a struggle for her, it will be a struggle for you. Because of this over-identification, she behaves in controlling ways.

Entitlement– does your controlling Mother feel it is her right to direct your every move?

Again, another trait of narcissism she regards you more like a possession. You exist to make her look good and feel good in this toxic dynamic.

Trauma- does your controlling Mother overreact to some issues and not others?

If so, she might have buried trauma that is triggered. Knowing a bit about her childhood can go a long way in identifying where her trauma lies. She is trying to have some control over what she couldn’t control in the past.

Appropriation- does your controlling mother treat you as if you were an extension of her?

Is she living or reliving ( more like it) her life through you? If so, she is attempting to control her issues by controlling you.

When you know what Mom needs from you, you will know what you are up against for reasonable and not-so-reasonable reasons.

Knowledge is power.

In other words, when you change the rules of the game up on her (as you must do to break free), you will know what her protest is all about. Knowing what is expected of you and why (especially when it’s unreasonable) can set the stage for taking some control back- and placing it where it belongs… squarely in your camp.

When you set new expectations and boundaries, instead of just feeling mean, you can reassure yourself that you are no longer enabling dysfunction. Big difference!

2) Know yourself-

You may be unaware of a controlling mother’s impact on you

Mom’s controlling ways have had a bigger impact than you might realize. You might have told yourself for years that she was only trying to help when in fact, her controlling ways can contribute to

Low-self esteem –

When Mom repeatedly takes over and doesn’t let you take things on without her input, she undermines your confidence and, eventually, your sense of self-worth.

Self-doubt-

When Mom questions and picks apart your every move, you don’t trust yourself to make the right choices or live through making the wrong ones.

Guilt-

When Mom acts as if you’ve done something wrong when you exert your independence (even in small ways), you can’t help but feel you’ve broken a rule you didn’t know existed.

You see, the thing is, you’re only human, and the little girl in you just wants Mom to be okay and okay with you.

That’s completely natural. If Mom has been controlling your whole life, you have been programmed to resonate with that control. It’s habit by now. And nothing, my dear, will change unless the change comes from you.

It’s not fair, but it is real.

For example- do you seek your controlling mother’s approval in ways that keep her in control of the relationship- not making a move without her, okay, giving her a report? Do you wait for her to critic your life instead of simply sharing without explanation or apology?

It’s a subtle but important difference.

For example, do you say, ” Hey Mom if it’s okay with you, Jeff and I are spending Thanksgiving with his family this year? ” Instead of simply saying Jeff and I will be spending Thanksgiving with his family this year.

Are you terrified of disappointing Mom because you are afraid of what will happen? Because of that, are you less direct with her than you would otherwise be? And then when you are……Mom mows right over you and your boundaries.

It’s a vicious cycle. One that is hard to break but not impossible.

Here’s the deal- you have to train yourself to do what is feels completely UNNATURAL even though you are doing what’s right. It’s like parting your hair on the wrong side. It will feel awkward and wrong…at first. But, then, before you know it, standing up for yourself will become the new habit.

3) Lead with intention-

Okay, that might be a bit of silliness – but I’m trying to make an important point here. You need to know your own mind, take the lead with confidence. Don’t ask, tell.

Get support and learn where you end and Mom begins. Sort through what you value. Then, take a stand and take the lead instead of reacting to Mom’s outrageous overreach.

And……………….

4) Be prepared for pushback

If Mom is used to having the reins of control, she isn’t likely to give them up without a fight.

She may feel entitled to it, or she may not know there is any other way to relate to you.

Let her know that you will want to be with her more if she isn’t constantly criticizing or telling you what to do.

If you are lucky, this may actually surprise her. But, on the other hand, she might think it is the role she is expected to play. The culture certainly signals to Mom that it is her job to “fix” anything “wrong” with her daughter.

You might have the opportunity to reeducate her into a new way of relating.

Or you may need to play hardball.

When Mom is faced with a choice, let go of some control or lose her relationship with you …AND she knows you mean business… chances are she will choose a relationship on your terms rather than no relationship at all.

5) Stay the course and follow-through

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

You’ve got this.

It’s a new day.

More and more, I see women in my practice finding their voice, taking back their power, and refusing to let anyone control them, including their mothers. Won’t you join them?

Are you caught in the role of the good daughter, good for mom, and bad for you? To find out, go here.

Let me know about your controlling mother in the comments.

Why Am I So Hard On Mothers?

July 29, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

If you’ve landed here… you know I’ve created an entire website devoted to calling out difficult mothers and helping their daughters. Yikes! I’ve taken the hardest job on the planet (motherhood) and shone the spotlight on the cracks.

How dare I be so hard on mothers??

Aren’t we as women on the same team or at least….. shouldn’t we be? And isn’t my name-calling and picking apart every little thing a mother does wrong cruel given the masochistic, patriarchal world we live in?

Why don’t I just give mothers a break? !!!!

I’ve asked myself the same questions.

You see, I too have suffered sore nipples from nursing a colicky baby, staggered through a day on little sleep only a few years later to feel the twist of the knife as my teenager screamed” I hate you” when I said no. And yes I’ve struggled mightily letting my daughters go….when the time came.

It isn’t as if motherhood has been a cakewalk for me- far from it.

I’ve never worked harder at anything or cared more about anything…. than being a mother.

And yet. I’ve fallen short of the mark… many times. The demands of motherhood have brought me to my knees more than once.

Raising another human is a messy and sacred business that brings out the best and worst in all of us. Motherhood will steal your heart, rip it out of your chest, then break it again and again as you work yourself out of a job you both loved and hated. No other endeavor asks so much of you.

At least, it certainly did that to me.

So why do I insist on holding mothers to a high standard?

Simple. Mothers have power over their daughters.

There is no getting around that one. Starting in infancy and then later in adulthood it is not and never will be a relationship of equals. There is an inherent power imbalance in the relationship. And with power comes great responsibility.

That’s the math, as I see it.

So when mothers use their daughters to meet their needs – through conscious or unconscious means, I call foul!

Enabling a mother’s dysfunctional behavior (even if mom has “good reasons” for being the way she is) only kicks the dysfunction down the road for the next generation to deal with.

The women who come after her will pay the price….anxiety, low self-esteem, depression…

that is, until someone says ENOUGH!

But the thing is… most daughters only know their “Mom”. They don’t and can’t know that there is a reason for Mom’s bullying, intrusive, clingy, needy, or appropriating behavior.

Many assume everyone’s mother acts that way.

All they know is that the relationship makes them feel bad about themselves. They don’t know if Mom’s Narcissistic, Borderline, or passing down her trauma.

Now, to be sure some Moms just have a hard time letting go and simply need a wake-up call, some are only reactive around certain hot button issues resulting from their own trauma, and some Moms have been out-of-control abusive bullies for their daughters’ entire lives.

I’ve come across all of the above.

Needless to say, a one-size approach does not fit all. There are all kinds of Difficult mothers and degrees of difficulty.

So back to my original question. Why am I so hard on mothers?

Because when you combine the vulnerability of the daughter with the insecurity ( underlying all personality disorders) of the mother… damage is inevitable.

We can’t set straight what we can’t see. Someone has to draw a line in the sand.

Mothers need tons of support and understanding, but if we lapse into denial and insist all mothers are saints, no matter their behavior, we perpetuate the cycle.

Only that which is brought into the conscious light of day can be helped and healed.

When you know better you can do better.

Famous Gestalt therapist, Fritz Pearls said nothing changes until it becomes what it is- meaning you first must face the truth before you can change it.

In my experience, the mothers who can hear their daughter’s pain and are open to taking some responsibility will find their daughters eager and willing. However, mothers who can only gaslight and fail to concede any ground will find that their daughters can and should move on without them.

This is the time to hold mothers accountable to stop the cycle of intergenerational wounding that keeps all women from fulfilling their potential.

Staying stuck in misery helps no one. In the universal story of oppressor and the oppressed someone has to rise up and say that they deserve better.

Mothers, holding daughters hostage with guilt and obligation is no way to foster a relationship. And deploying snarky subtext-laden messages are beneath us as women.

Getting our needs met in covert and manipulative ways diminishes both mother and daughter.

And yes, in order to course-correct, sometimes it is necessary to leave a relationship that is demoralizing and demeaning– even if that relationship is with your mother.

Staying put and staying angry only sucks the life force out of you. If Mom’s defenses are impenetrable, banging your head against that metaphorical wall will only leave you battered and bruised.

There’s too much work to be done on both micro and macro levels.

But whether or not I am hard on mothers is immaterial in the end. Whether or not she can come with you, go where you are going is not up to you or me, it is up to her.

But, it’s your job to live in your truth and move forward and it’s mine to call out the relationship dynamics that take us backward instead of forward. Even when that means being hard on mothers. And that includes me. I am still learning from my daughters.

When we rise up, we can lift each other up.

Won’t you join us?

Get your free guide Good Daughter to Empowered woman here.

Narcissistic Mother Empath Daughter : The Good Daughter Syndrome

April 17, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

Narcissistic Mother Empath Daughter = The Good Daughter Syndrome.

Your mother has issues.

Boy, does she have issues..manipulative, intrusive, self-absorbed, and critical… hardly begins to cover it.

And you feel it all. Attuned and sensitive, you’ve always picked up if Mom was okay.- It’s like you have this radar, this 6th sense about Mom.

You aren’t sure if it’s a blessing or a curse because…

you can’t relax until Mom is okay and okay with you.

This isn’t unusual.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers show symptoms that can be mild to devasting. In this syndrome, the empathic daughter works to be good for mom, look good for mom, and make sure mom is good with her.

It’s an endless, thankless, and ultimately impossible quest.

How does this happen?

Exhausted, daughters in this Good daughter role have been trained to place Mom’s needs ahead of their own. After a while, it is second nature.

How do I know?

After counseling daughters of difficult mothers for over 30 years, I started to notice a trend.

Daughters who were particularly compassionate and had mothers who were troubled, narcissistic, borderline, or histrionic frequently fell into what I call The Good Daughter trap, a trap that sucked the life out of them and chained them to their mothers’ pathology.

Here are 10 signs of the good daughter syndrome- can you relate?

1) No matter how hard you work for Mom’s approval, it’s never good enough.

Whether Mom criticizes you outright or her criticism is implied, you get the message it’s never good enough; you are never good enough. With her constant comments, you get a distinct feeling there’s something wrong with you and that she’s trying to fix or better you.

2) Mom gives you unsolicited advice.

She is always making suggestions about weight, hair, parenting; you name it, there isn’t an area she won’t weigh in on. What’s more, she expects you to answer to her and take her advice even when you haven’t asked for it.

3) Mom is never wrong and never sorry.

You won’t hear, “I was wrong, and you were right.” Nope, she just can’t give it to you. By the same token, you won’t hear a genuine apology.

4) She’s always crossing your boundaries

You have a hard time setting healthy boundaries with Mom and a harder time sticking to them. Setting a boundary feels like you are breaking a rule you never knew existed.

5) You feel responsible for Mom’s happiness.

You wish it were different, but if Mom isn’t happy, you fear if it’s, you’re your fault. This underlies many reasons you have such a hard time setting boundaries and standing up to mom. Deep down, you feel responsible for making your mother happy.

6) Mom takes any pushback as a rejection of her.

Shutting you down, she says something along the lines of, “I was just trying to help. I guess I’m just a horrible mother.” It is almost impossible to have a reasonable conversation with mom. She gets defensive and upset if you have a problem with anything she does. You end up feeling like it just isn’t worth it.

7) Mom thinks she knows what is best for you.

Always. It goes without question, at least in her mind. The unstated but heavily implied rule is” Mother knows best.” If you dare to challenge it, there is hell to pay.

8) Although not explicitly stated, making Mom look good and feel good is your job.

Whether you are picking out an outfit for a holiday meal or choosing a profession or mate, you know mom will regard your choice as a reflection on her.

9) Standing up to Mom is hard for you.

You don’t want to rock the boat. Yep, more than hard, it’s almost impossible. You know the phrase all too well, ” If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Your mother’s mood sets the tone. You don’t want to mess with that.

10) Plagued by self-doubt, you constantly second-guess yourself.

It is hard for you to make decisions and feel confident about them. Mom’s taught you that you can’t solely rely on your own judgment.

Do you see yourself in 7 out of the 10 statements?

As a psychotherapist of over 30 years, I keep seeing the Narcissistic mother and her empath daughter result in the Good Daughter Syndrome. These are the daughters who care too much and get too little.

I see my clients giving too much and getting too little in their intimate relationships, striving for unattainable perfection, or feeling like a fraud in their professional lives.

Their real selves are hidden underneath a mask of faux perfection. When I dig further, I find insecure-anxious daughters taking care of or being good for their Mom instead of looking out for themselves.

It’s a trap that keeps the Narcissistic mother empath daughter continuing on; being “good” for mom when it is bad for them. The truth is, it doesn’t really help anyone. It just keeps the dysfunction going.

If you relate, I’ve been where you are and I know the way out. There is a way to break free of the guilt, self-doubt, and feelings of never good enough.

Your best life is waiting for you.

Find out if you are the Good Daughter – go here to take the quiz- It’s quick, and it’s free.

How are you good for mom in ways that might be bad for you?

Let me know in the comments.

How To Deal With a Toxic Mother: 10 (Surefire)Tips That Work

April 13, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

Just once you’d like to get off the phone or come away from a visit with Mom and feel good about yourself, is that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

Instead, you feel beaten down, dismissed, demoralized, and never good enough. What’s worse, dealing with her causes you to flip-flop between resentment and guilt. Tired of arguing with her boundary-crossing, gaslighting version of motherhood, you’re exhausted from the drama. You aren’t sure if you are the problem or if there’s something wrong with her. If anyone else treated you this way, you could cut out of your life, but…she’s your MOTHER, so… how do you deal with a toxic Mom?

As a psychotherapist for over 30 years counseling daughters of difficult mothers, I know what works and what doesn’t.

The thing is, it’s rarely what comes naturally.

Why?

Because Mom has systematically programmed you to her way of thinking, even if you aren’t fully aware of it, therefore, what pops in your head is usually some watered-down version of seeking her approval or asking for her permission. She has, by definition, interrupted or violated the natural way of things and set up patterns (etched into your subconscious) that cause you to self-sabotage.

To break free of the toxic dynamics that keep you stuck going round and round the same arguments and experiencing the same pain, you have to think outside of the box.

Here is a list that will take you beyond the standard “stand up for yourself and set healthy boundaries“: curated suggestions that will definitively move the needle forward, not just tell you what you already know.

Don’t be fooled; it can sometimes years of trial and error, therapy, and/or soul searching to get there, but I’ve cut out all the fat and given it to you straight. Here is your bottom-line, take no prisoners, ways you can effectively deal with a toxic mother, and not lose your mind.

How to deal with a toxic mother -10 Tips

1) Find out what’s behind your Mother’s toxic behavior.

Knowing what drives your mother’s behavior is an essential key element when planning how to deal with her. Is she deeply insecure, need to act superior and grandiose, fitting more of a Narcissistic profile? Does he hide her Narcissisitism behind martyrdom or appropriate your successes and manipulation through passivity like an academy award-winning Covert Narcissist? Are her extreme fears of abandonment behind her desperate need to cling to you, thus signifying a possible Borderline Personality Disorder? Is she high in NPD traits or BPD, or does she have trauma around a single issue?

When you know where Mom’s unreasonable behavior is coming from, you also have a clear understanding of how it isn’t your fault, and no, you’re not too sensitive. Arm yourself with knowledge and build a solid basis from which to make changes that stick.

2) Realize change is only going to come from you-

Why would Mom change? As far as you can tell, that dynamic seems to be working for her. OR it is also possible that she is incapable of acting differently. Remember, we are talking about a Mom with limitations. If you wait for her to realize the error of her ways, you could be waiting a lifetime. Even though it will feel like parting your hair on the wrong side, you will need to take the lead if you want things to change. It isn’t fair but it is the reality. Any change in the way you all interact will need to be introduced slowly, thoughtfully, and deliberately if a change is going to happen in this lifetime.

3) Mom only has as much power as you give her-

At the end of the day, the power dynamic changed when you became an adult. Except, no one bothered to tell you. Mom had the power when you were a kid; now you have the power. When you endlessly explain yourself or plead for her to understand where you are coming from, you give that power away.

And I get it. You are only trying to be respectful and kind. However, if she’s toxic, she doesn’t play fair. You are playing a relational game while she is using power moves. But, as Dr, Phil would say, “How’s that working for you? ” You don’t have to stoop to playing dirty, not if you know where you stand and stand tall.

4) Be ready for family pushback–

Families operate in systems and systems are very stubborn things. There is enormous pressure to maintain the status quo, even when it’s miserable and unfair. It isn’t unusual for Dad ( if he’s stuck in there this long) to be passive and enabling. It’s great if your family is supportive when you put a new plan into place, but don’t expect it, and above all don’t let it derail you.

5) Surround yourself with allies.

You are going to need a support system in place when you make a change. When Mom pushes back, and your family tells you to get over yourself, you need friends and/or a partner to remind you that you are more than someone’s daughter and hold your hand when you are scared. Pick people who genuinely want the best for you and let them know you’re going to need them.

6) Release your unconscious blocks.

You may be at “tear your hair out ” levels of frustration with your mother, but underneath it, all have unconscious blockages programmed from early childhood that threaten to sabotage your best intentions. Examples of that programming are ” Mother knows best” and ” I can’t upset my mother” I know these sound patently untrue, but they can be the reason why you can’t bring yourself to call her out or say the thing that might hurt her feelings. You can care for mom but not let her emotions control you. Repeat after me,” I am not responsible for my mother’s happiness. I am not responsible for my mother’s happiness. I am not responsible for my mother’s happiness.” Got it!

7) Make small changes. Expect pushback. Stand your ground.

Don’t expect one declaration to turn things around. The best strategy to go about making changes is to start small. Pick an issue that matters to you but is not the hill you are willing to die on, communicate it succinctly, and expect she won’t like it. Whether you encounter a mere tremor of a tsunami of pushback, standing your ground will let her know you mean business.

8) Set boundaries you can control.

Telling a toxic mother to stop acting badly is about as effective as telling a leopard to change her spots. It does not work and sets you up for failure. For example, instead of saying, “I don’t want you to criticize my parenting anymore,” say, ” if you criticize my parenting during our visit, I will need to leave.” When you tell her what you will and will not do and then follow through, voila, you have created a base of control you can build on.

9) Be prepared to feel guilty even if you not

When you change patterns that have been in place your whole life you will feel guilty. This, I can guarantee. This feeling is primal, is gut-level, stemming from old, outdated unconscious programming. You are guilty of changing things up, but you are not guilty of being a bad person. Yet, your nervous system can’t tell the difference. When you set your life on the track of autonomy, you will feel a speed bump of guilt instead of a five-alarm fire. You can be kind without becoming a doormat. With preparation, you can tell yourself, “I ‘ve got this,” and mean it.

10) Find your adult voice and use it.

You are an adult now. You have more power than you know. As an adult, you get to call the shots about how much access Mom has to you. You can’t control her behavior, but you can decide how much to engage with her. When it’s all said and done, it really is that simple.

Here’s a secret. She knows it too. If, (and that’s a big if), you don’t fall for insults, guilting, or bullying, you remain in the driver’s seat of the relationship. Whether you go low contact, no contact, or constant contact, the relationship now can run on your terms. Operating out of a full sense of self (no ish) is the only way forward.

The payoff-

Good news, follow just a few of any of these suggestions, and your life quality will change exponentially. Think for a moment and tally up the hours you’ve spent running over arguments in your mind. Now add the hours you’ve spent feeling resentful, plus the hours flying blind spent in unbalanced relationships because your relationship template was all messed up. Now imagine having those hours back, your peace of mind restored, and the confidence you will gain the knowledge that you can take care of yourself in the face of a bully, even when the bully is your mother.

Making any one of these changes will be harder than you imagine. But once you cross over into the land of fully adulting and dealing with your toxic mother effectively, you will gain peace, self-esteem, and sanity.

What are you waiting for? A better, saner life is waiting for you.

Here is my free guide From Good Daughter to Empowered Woman

What would you add to the list? Let me know in the comments.

Narcissistic Mother Traits – Overt and Covert

April 9, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

It’s always about her.

How many times have you said that?

Every argument, every conversation, every time you try and tell her how she is hurting you, she manages to bring it back to herself.

You’ve wondered what exactly is wrong with your mother. Your friends tell you that their mothers are their best friends. You wish you could say the same, but you can’t. You’ve heard about Narcissistic mothers and wonder what traits you should look for.

Let me help.

The Overt Narcissistic traits are easiest to spot, the Covert traits– not so much. After counseling women in psychotherapy for over 30 years, I know all the moves and can break them down for you.

Narcissistic Mother Traits-

1) She needs to look perfect –

a) Overt NPD trait – These mothers may be dressed to the nines, botoxed to the max, and name-drop her latest posh vacation spot. It’s all about how it looks and how she looks to the world.

b) Covert NPD trait- This Mom transfers her need to look perfect to you. You are what we call in the field her narcissistic extension. While she will brush off a compliment about herself, ” oh, this old thing, I’ve had it for ages,” she needs you to be her show pony, perfect and polished. She glows when you are making her look good and has little tolerance for your struggles. She micromanages your every move will ride you relentlessly, pressuring you to achieve the kind of success that reflects well on her.

2) She can’t admit she is wrong.

a) Overt NPD trait – Braggadocious and obnoxious, this Mom argues your every point never backs down, and never admits fault.

b) Covert NPD trait- the sneakier variety still can’t admit she is wrong but will do it in a roundabout way. She may say, “what do I know? I’m only your mother.” Then she holds onto your failures, waiting for just the right time to throw them back in your face when it serves her purposes. If she does apologize, it isn’t genuine and is frequently followed by a “but you…”.The punchline is always, “Mother knows best.”

3) She has to be right-

a) Overt NPD Trait- Mom will tell anyone who will listen what she thinks, and she thinks plenty. She will sound off and won’t back down, no matter the evidence to the contrary. Her need to be right stems from her need to feel superior.

b) Covert NPD Trait- Mom privately prevails on you to see things her way, although, with others, she keeps her feelings of superiority under wraps. With you, she can be relentless. And when you try your way and fail, instead of protecting your pride, no one can wield an ” I told you so” with more self-satisfaction than a Covertly Narcissistic Mother. When it comes down to it, she can’t offer you a genuine apology.

4) She lacks empathy-

a) Overt NPD trait- Mom can’t put herself in another person’s place. Frankly, she sees no need to do so. She’ll bully and dominate without a second thought to how her actions land.

b) Covert NPD trait- Mom insists she is in your corner but tells you that you are just too sensitive if you show hurt feelings. She will blame you for the harm she causes and tells you her critical comments are “for your own good.”

5) She needs to win at any cost-

a) Overt NPD trait – Everything is a contest, and there are winners and losers. If Mom isn’t the winner, in her mind, she’s a loser. As a result, she will do anything to win.

b) Covert NPD trait- If she can’t take credit for it, she will be threatened by it. The line in the Snow White fairy tale”mirror, mirror on the wall” is very real to her. While most Mothers take pride in their daughter’s beauty and accomplishments, the covertly Narcissistic mother is weirdly threatened by it. She needs to take her daughter down a notch and is the master of the backhanded compliment and doublespeak. She will set things up, so she is indeed the fairest/most accomplished of them all.

6) She acts entitled-

a) Overt NPD trait – Somehow, the rules don’t apply to Mom. She breaks in line, expects special treatment for no reason, and thinks others should do her bidding just because. Depending on the level of Narcissism, this can range from bending the rules to out and out criminality.

B) Covert NPD trait – She is just as entitled yet gets her way through manipulation and has no trouble in lying and making up the facts as she goes along as long as they fit her purposes. Gaslighting and artfully dodging are her preferred ways to keep from being found out. She feels justified in her truth-bending and will portray herself as the victim instead of owning up to victimizing another.

7) She exploits others-

a) Overt NPD trait – She uses people and then discards and devalues them when they are no longer of use to her.

b) Covert NPD trait- She might look as if she is close and caring, but in reality, Mom is collecting chips she hopes to cash in when she needs them. This includes appropriating her daughter to supply her needs. And if her daughter tries to pull away, she will guilt and shame her calling her ungrateful.

How do all these Narcissistic Mother traits add up?

Now that you have been through a list of Narcissistic mother traits, you might be wondering if your mother is a full-blown Narcissist. Some mothers might have a trait or two resulting from cultural conditioning or specific trauma. Still, if you find yourself nodding and recognizing the majority of these traits, chances are good you’ve uncovered a disorder that has affected you all of your life. (For a complete guide, go here.)

Why is it so hard to tell if your mother is a Narcissist?

We’ve all familiar with the jerk at the bar, certain politicians, the a-hole boss you can barely tolerate. We even know to watch our back around the mean girl/neighbor/coworker who would sleep with our partner given half a chance or throw you under the bus if it suits her purposes. With Narcissism so prevalent in our culture, we know the classic narcissist signs, and we know to stay away.

But when it comes to our very own Mother dearest, it gets a bit trickier. A child needs her mother. She doesn’t have the luxury of moving out or finding another, so she follows a biological mandate to make it work, whatever it takes. Because she is used to putting Mom’s needs ahead of her own, she has normalized much of Mom’s behavior. And it’s even trickier when the symptoms or traits are veiled, hidden, and inverted or covert.

If Mom is a Narcissist, why can’t anyone else (including my family) see it?

Because women and especially mothers, are hyper-aware of what the culture expects from them, they know how to put on a good front. In fact, they are experts at it.

You will ( likely) find a supporting cast of characters behind the scenes, including an enabling passive father and (possibly) a golden child brother. The Narcissistic mother’s outside friendships tend toward the superficial. No one outside the family is allowed a backstage pass.

If Dad is still around, he had most likely made his peace with it by doing her bidding instead of protecting you or standing up for himself. He is very invested in not rocking the boat and will encourage you to do the same. With a “you know how your mother is,” the expectation is that she will get her way no matter the cost. Her social relationships are a mile wide and an inch deep mostly designed for show.

Unless everyone has had enough and flown the coop, only her daughter will have intimate knowledge of her harmful ways. This can be confusing at best, isolating and infuriating at worst.

So what is Narcissism at its root?

What is the core of Narcissism?

Narcissism, at its core, a problem of desperate insecurity. The traits or defenses we’re talking about here keep Mom unaware of the painful core reality she can’t face. At her very center, she feels unbearable unworthiness, shame, and emptiness. Thus the reason for the show of specialness, grandiosity, and entitlement. It’s all a carefully constructed act.

How your Mother’s Narcissistic traits have affected you

If your mother is Narcissistic, she has parented you from a place of hurt, deception, and pain. As such, you have been fed a steady (emotional) diet of smoke and mirrors. Nothing is what it seems on the surface. When you are raised by a mother who is either high in these Narcissistic Mother Traits or has full-blown NPD, your self-esteem suffers; you doubt yourself constantly. You carry your insecurity into other relationships.

Thats’ the bad news.

The good news is that awareness is the first step to heal from a Narcissistic Mother.

When you finally can begin to make sense of what makes your mother tick, you can begin to piece together your childhood. Realizing the whole thing was upside down and that Mom’s needs came before yours helps you understand how you feel today.

Identifying the source of your pain and confusion is the foundation for dealing with it and ultimately rising above it.

It’s a new day. You are waking up!

Waking up so that you can find freedom from the oppressive chains of bondage to a dysfunctional relationship.

You’ve taken an important step towards getting free. Here’s a guide to your next steps.

To find out if you are trapped in the role of the good daughter- take the quiz-

What traits would you add? Let me know in the comments.

Strategies for Dealing With a Narcissistic Mother That Work

March 8, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

“I know she’s a narcissist but I need strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother that work.”

Exhausted, demoralized, and frustrated, if you are a daughter of a narcissistic mother…you are at the end of your rope or will be in the near future.

Maybe you’ve thought about going no contact, telling her off, or simply hoping she will change. All you know for sure is that you’ve had enough pain and drama for one lifetime.

You want off the emotional roller coaster ride.

The thing is, you know she is narcissistic (or suspect she is), but that’s only half the battle…

Knowing isn’t enough. What you need is a strategy, a game plan, and fast.

Luckily I’ve been strategizing with psychotherapy clients (who have narcissistic or difficult mothers) for the past 30 years. Take it from me, I’ve seen up close what doesn’t work. I can save you some time, possibly dollars, and a great deal of heartache.

But, before we get into what strategies will work, we need to examine the strategies that don’t work and why.

Here are the top 5 strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother that don’t work.

1) Insist Mom get into therapy –

Why you do it– Worn out, beat up, and exhausted from the endless back and forth, you are desperate for a 3rd party to help you navigate the relationship with Mom. You think, if she won’t listen to you, she will listen to an authority figure. You hope she will open up to a professional whose job it is to help her.

What’s likely to happen The hard-to-handle, defensive Mom will rarely, if ever, enter therapy truly open to getting help. Her entire MO is deflecting blame and finding fault in other people. Anything less, she experiences as a defeat. That’s how she has survived so far. So, IF and that’s a big IF she ever darkens the door of a therapist’s office, she will most likely do so with one of 2 objectives, a) to prove she is the victim of your unfair attack b) to prove the therapist wrong,

Mom will come out of the session declaring victory, say the therapist either sided with her or alternatively that the therapist is an idiot/doesn’t know what she is talking about. She will miss the point of therapy entirely. Sadly, she can not enter into the kind of therapeutic relationship with what it takes for her to change- the willingness to be vulnerable, transparent, and reflective. Nope, not gonna happen in this lifetime.

2) Write her epic letters explaining how she has hurt you –

Why you do it-. You think if only she would hear you out, you could explain to her exactly and in detail how she has hurt you. You crave justice so badly you can taste it. Having been treated unfairly for so long now, you are ready to have your say.

What’s likely to happen- Getting it down on paper will probably feel good to you. Laying it all out there will be therapeutic for you. She, on the other hand, is likely to use it as a weapon, cherry-pick a few points to refute your entire argument, and point the finger back at you. She will accuse you of a false equivalence or demonstrate faux outrage, declaring herself the victim. ” This is my thanks for trying to help you! ”

3) Argue with her, hoping she will see your side-

Why you do it – Not willing to let her bully you any longer, you stick up for yourself and don’t back down. You’ve put up with too much for too long, and you aren’t going to roll over anymore.

What’s likely to happen- Even though it can feel cathartic to let her have it with both barrels after all this time, you rarely get the result you want. Either she fires back with all the ammo she can muster, or she crumbles in a tearful heap– thereby shutting down any effective communication.

4) Try to be good so she’ll be good to you-

Why you do it- You keep thinking if you can look good for mom, make Mom look good, or make sure mom is good with you; she will return the favor and come through for you.

What’s likely to happen- Sadly, Mom comes to expect it. Her needs take priority and the motto” if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” becomes your mantra. You are programmed from childhood to defer to her needs. You keep waiting for a payoff that never comes.

5) **Complain to everyone but Mom**

Why you do it- stuck Between a rock and a hard place, you need someone to listen to because it never goes well when you try and talk to Mom. Instead, you chew your husband and/or best friend’s ear off with the same complaints. Troopers that they are, even they get worn out with the same old story time after time, especially when they aren’t the ones that can change things.

What’s likely to happen –They get worn out, and it never really scratches where you itch. The same issues with Mom keep happening, like groundhog day. Depression and anxiety get a foothold in your psyche as hopelessness sets in.

At this point, I need to make one thing perfectly clear.

You aren’t doing anything wrong. In fact, you are only doing what comes naturally to you, what would come naturally to any daughter, given what you have to work with. Working for mom’s approval, trying to reason with her, exploding in frustration when you can’t get through to her, and thinking it must be your fault when all of your attempts fail.

But you would be wrong in thinking that there was something wrong with you. You see, your survival brain, trying to keep you alive and well, made some bargains in early childhood and signed contracts with Mom that aren’t healthy for you now. Your evolutionary mandate to make it work with the one God gave you was in full operation.

The problem now is- you don’t know those contracts to put mom’s needs ahead of your own are way past their expiration dates and sorely in need of an upgrade. You may be using an old operating system even though you are a grown adult woman, yet the assumptions mom makes are a product of a time when she had full power over you.

Here’s the problem… and it’s not you!

If Mom is truly narcissistic and has a full-blown personality disorder– she cannot, will not, set her concerns aside and put herself in your place. The defenses that make up a narcissistic personality will prevent her from dropping the shield she uses to defend herself from what she fears is psychological devastation- even for her own child (you).

Unfortunately, all of your approaches are dependent on her willingness to at least meet you halfway. However, that particular chip is missing.

Exactly why these strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother don’t work

A) Working for mom’s approval – if she is narcissistic, she needs to be superior; therefore, you need to be inferior. Ergo, she can’t give you the approval you crave. She would lose her advantage. It isn’t because she is evil; it’s because the defenses she uses to keep her from falling into a cauldron of self-loathing demand she come out on top.

Sadly she needs to defeat everyone, including you.

B) Waiting to get Mom’s permission to take charge of your adult life – Chances are you don’t even know you are doing it. You’ve been trained all of your life to take the subservient position so as not to rock the boat, challenge mom, or upset her. Yet, it is in your vocal tone, the way you ask a question rather than make a statement. You think if you don’t threaten her, she will grant you permission to do what’s best for you.

The truth is, if Mom is narcissistic, she needs to keep you subservient (under her), so she treats your deference as a weakness and refuses to grant you permission.

C) Expecting Mom to empathize with you- I’ve seen too many daughters, particularly trapped in the role of the good daughter, collect hurts expecting Mom to wake up one day and realize all they have endured for mom and finally give them the love they deserve. Except the only one counting is you. Mom is just being Mom oblivious to the hurt she causes.

The harsh truth is, narcissism doesn’t allow her the bandwidth to empathize with you. Therefore she can’t see much less face what she has put you through. That would cause her too much shame, the emotion she is working to avoid. Suppose she does register (for a nanosecond) that she is causing you distress. In that case, her defenses quickly come to the rescue (hers, not yours) with a massive rationalization campaign to wipe away any discomfort she may be feeling.

Like an etch-a-sketch… any empathy for you is wiped away.

Why have I gone so far into the weeds about narcissism and what doesn’t work?

Because this leads to the number one strategy for dealing with a narcissistic mom that will work.

RESTRAINT

I know, I know, at first glance, it doesn’t look very sexy, mindblowing, or transformative. But believe me, it IS.

And, it will be the hardest thing you ever do. Holding back what comes naturally for a normal person is very hard. As a daughter, you keep hoping against hope that one more explanation, one more convincing argument, will make all the difference.

Sadly, it makes no difference. It only exhausts you.

Why is this the number one strategy for dealing with a narcissistic mother?

Because a narcissist’s entire game plan is based on defeat, and if she can get and keep you engaged in the arena, she has a fighting chance. Narcissists thrive on gamesmanship. They live to fight, whereas it takes a chunk out of your soul.

You basically are playing two different games. More accurately put, you have two different objectives for relating. Your objective is relational. You want to build a relationship. Most people do. A narcissist’s objective is to wield power over you.

Up until now, you have been speaking the language of mutual respect, kindness, compassion, empathy, and fair play. She has been speaking the language of power, manipulation, intimidation, and of course, one-up-manship.

Strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother have more to do with power than establishing a relationship. Therefore, by keeping your engagement to a minimum, you refuse her the material she needs to put you down.

What does restraint look like?

So restraint means -withholding that which she would use to defeat you.

That means you don’t fall for gaslighting, baiting and love-bombing; all of which are manipulations… disguised as something else- the verbal wolf in sheep clothing. These manipulations are designed to throw you off the narcissist’s game, to put you at a disadvantage so she can gain power over you. In a nutshell (pun intended), if something feels off, consider the source.

So now that you are onto the narcissist’s games and less likely to fall for them you are better prepared to develop some proactive strategies.

Are these strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother easy? NOT ON YOUR LIFE!

Are they possible? ABSOLUTELY!

Are you ready? YES!

Strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother that will work!

Reset expectations with Mom-

Whatever your past behavior has lead Mom to expect, you can take control and change it up.

For example- When you get an email, phone call, or text, wait for a beat-up (a moment or a day- depending) to respond. Instead of your usual, she says jump, and you say how high, reset her expectation of you. If you’ve always spent the holidays with her you might stay in a hotel, limit the visit or leave if it becomes uncomfortable.

Lead with intention.

Know what is important to you and where you will and will not concede. Take what hasn’t been granted to you.

For example – When mom pushes you to do something you don’t want to do, say, ” Mom, x isn’t as important to me as y. I will be (fill in the blank)ing from now on.

Deflect criticisms from Mom.

When Mom criticizes you or weighs in with a bit of unwanted advice make it clear you have no interest in entertaining her opinions.

For example- “I hear you feel that way and it’s hurtful to hear. ” ” I’m not sure why you’d want to say that to me? “I’ll be deciding (fill in the blank) for myself and will ask you if I need your help ”

Accept that Mom is who she is instead of who you need her to be.

This might seem obvious, yet, children tend to want their parents to be who they need them to be. If Mom has acted in certain ways for years, observed predictable patterns, don’t expect her to change.

For example- Instead of pointing out to her all of the things she does to hurt you, protect yourself accordingly and don’t tie your happiness to her opinion of you.

Own your mistakes and successes instead of serving them up to Mom.

Everyone messes up. It isn’t the end of the world. If you make a mistake, take the lesson and move on. Don’t make too much of the things that don’t work out and create a negative story about yourself.

For example– Instead of explaining what went wrong to Mom, thereby offering up material for her to bash you, process your experience with someone you trust, learn the lesson, and move past it.

Leave your childhood behind.

Accept responsibility for your adult life and claim that life as a grown-up even though your mother may still treat you like a child.

For example – When Mom tries to tell you what to do, tell her you will need to decide for yourself. Make decisions without asking for Mom’s input.

Redefine what it means to be good for yourself.

Good is now independent, self-sufficient, sovereign. Recalibrate your life to reflect your values instead of hers.

For example -Prioritize yourself. Literally, make sure your needs are taken care of before entertaining taking care of hers. Be prepared that she will test you on this.

Work to disengage any ties of obligation to her.

For It’s hard to negotiate from a position of obligation. If you live under her roof, use her for childcare, and borrow money from her, she will use it as leverage. Establish your independence even if you have to take it step by step.

The reason all of these strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother DO work

These strategies are all under your control.

All of your childhood she held the control. Now that you are grown you control her access to you and influence over you.

***All that’s left is for you to realize it.***

Once she knows you won’t waver and are solid in your resolve she knows you are the one with the power.

From Good Daughter To Empowered Woman – Get your free guide here.

What strategies have you tried that work or don’t work? Let me know in the comments.

10 Things Narcissistic Mothers Say And What She REALLY Means

February 24, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

A narcissistic mother’s language is as predictable as it is telling. The things narcissistic mothers say will tell you everything you need to know about her.

It’s all part of a linguistic campaign to keep you in your place and provide cover for her hostility.

Yet, you may be so used to the things mom says you don’t expect anything different.

Still, that doesn’t mean Mom’s words don’t erode your self-esteem, make you doubt yourself, and keep you from claiming your experience as your own.

Let’s look at 10 things narcissistic mothers say and decode what they really mean.

You’re just too sensitive. -I won’t be held accountable for the hurt you feel from my comments. Instead, I will imply there is something wrong with you rather than something hurtful about my comment.
I never said that.– If you hold me accountable for the hurt I caused, I will simply deny I ever said it. Easy peasy.
I’m only trying to help. I can criticize you, undermine you and overstep, but if you don’t experience my actions/comments as helpful, it’s your fault. This gives me a free pass to act on my hostility and attribute blame to you.
This is for your own good.– I know what you need better than you do. This gives me Carte Blanche to do cruel things and pass them off as helpful.
Only your mother will tell you.– I give myself special dispensation to cut you down because I am your mother.
I was just joking .– If you feel mocked by me, I bear no responsibility. I can say whatever I want, and you have no right to call me out.
I’m sure you don’t mean that.– However, you feel in response to me is of no interest to be. I will invalidate your feelings if they don’t agree with mine.
I’m sorry but you...If you dare question me, I’ll just turn the spotlight on you. A good offense is the best defense.
Is there something going on with you? I refuse to accept the legitimacy of what you are saying. Instead, I’m going to turn it back on you with faux concern.
I’m sorry you took it that way.– What I said or did made you feel is 100% your responsibility, not mine. I am not interested in a mutually respectful relationship.

While those are only a hand full of the things narcissistic mothers say, there are plenty more where they came from.

*** For example-

You’ll be sorry when I’m gone.– I will silence you with guilt by implying there will be good things to miss when I am gone. I won’t take relational responsibility for them here, and now, I’ll preemptively borrow it from the hereafter. Notice, I’m implying I won’t be the one held accountable for my actions, not now nor in the great by and by.

(Silent treatment)- Saying by not saying – I will withhold my attention and affection and make you squirm wondering what you did wrong. I’ll deny feeling angry and offer you no way back into my good graces.

Phew – sound familiar?

I thought it might…

Well, ugh…but there it is.

What is she doing?

Invalidating you– In effect, Mom is saying your feelings and perspective don’t matter… so any hurt you feel is not legitimate.
Dismissing you– By taking your feelings and perspective out of the equation and discarding them Mom says she is the only one that matters in the relationship.
Projecting the hurt back onto you – If Mom can pawn the hostility off on you she doesn’t have to explain herself or own her part in the conflict. So your hurt isn’t relevant.

(What she’s really saying:)

“Protecting and promoting myself is more important to me than staying in loving connection with you. ”

In fact, these things narcissistic mothers say don’t promote connection; they do the opposite they sever, cut off, disenfranchise you.

Yet, you are probably wondering,

” Is that true? ”

“How can you be sure that’s what she meant? Couldn’t any one of these statements taken at face value reflect a genuine misunderstanding?”

ABSOLUTELY.

In a loving, trusting relationship that has momentarily gone sideways- people make mistakes. Good, well-meaning people

Say snarky things
Are tone-deaf at times
Can be genuinely surprised that they have upset someone they love

Who doesn’t make a relational misstep now and then?

I know I do 🙂

So what’s the difference between an honest miscommunication and one designed to hurt?

To get at the heart of the matter, ask yourself this:

Does Mom-

Treat you like an equal?
Apologize when she is wrong?
Care about how her words make you feel?
Circle back and check-in with you when the heat of the moment has passed, you both have cooled down, or when she realizes she has hurt your feelings?
Want to make it right or make her point?

Hummmm, maybe that pit in your stomach or the tightness in your chest… is telling you something?

Ask yourself-

Are you swallowing the hurt and still giving Mom the benefit of the doubt… when she doesn’t deserve it? If so, you might be stuck in the role of the good daughter. Good for Mom and decidedly bad for you.

Does Mom need to lord her superiority over you, keep you in your place, and make sure you don’t get the relational upper hand? Could it be that she has a narcissistic personality disorder or is high in Narcissistic traits?

If the answer is yes-

these common statements are doing relational violence to you. They invalidate your internal experience and elevate her relevance and dominance.

But why would Mom want to do that to you?

The answer lies in understanding narcissism. To see if your mother is a Narcissist, go here. But the bottom line is this; the Narcissistic playbook has no room for equals, only superiors, and inferiors. Their verbiage isn’t about building a loving, caring connection. It is designed to wield power over you.

In conclusion-

It doesn’t make it right, but it does make it real.

Remember building a healthy relationship requires a foundation of trust and respect. Trust that you can share vulnerabilities without repercussion and respect that each of you is a separate person with differing but equal perspectives.

In contrast, the Narcissistic relationship is-

neither respectful nor trustworthy
Their statements shut you down and shut you out.
They erode your self-esteem, cause you to doubt yourself, and discourage you from open, honest communication.

Here’s the truth as I see it-

*** Saying these things doesn’t make Mom a narcissist, but a Narcissistic mother is sure to say them.***

So, if you dread visits with Mom and… leave feeling worse about yourself than when you came, you might want to take a closer look at why.

Know this –

Your life can be better. You can learn to shield yourself from interpersonal assault once you know it is there. If you can’t decode the language, you will keep coming away from encounters with her, not knowing why you feel so crappy.

Without awareness-

You will continue to wonder, ” Is it me or is it her? ” Because- you can’t rise above something you don’t know is there. And you can’t deal with something you can’t see. Lifting the psychological veil on the things Narcissistic mothers say to reveal the intent behind them puts you in a position to rise above them.

If it is time to break free and take your life back, go here!

Does your mother say these things? Let me know in the comments.

“Is My Mom A Narcissist?” A Therapist’s Guide

February 17, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

Is my Mom a Narcissist?

You’ve always known something was off about Mom.

Maybe you wondered if there were something legitimately wrong with her. You might have noticed how she makes everything about her and goes off the rails if you challenge her. You may have even thought it was your fault. If only you were better somehow, less sensitive, not so much trouble…maybe she would treat you better. You have friends who say their mother is their best friend, and you wonder how that works. Yours is barely supportive, at least not consistently supportive. Lately, you’ve been wondering, “Is my Mom a Narcissist?”

Here is everything you need to know to decide for yourself.

I have to warn you, discovering your mom is a Narcissist can be quite a shock. Learning that something serious is wrong with your mother can be both a relief and unsettling at the same time.

So I’m going to take it slow and steady.

I will show you-

How Narcissism is diagnosed in the general population
How to spot Narcissism in your mother
Ways a mother’s Narcissism affects her daughter.
What happened to mom to make her Narcissistic
Can Mom ever change?

****Stay with me until the end of the article. By the end, you will know what makes your mother tick and how to deal with her.

Let your empowerment begin.

How Narcissism is diagnosed in the general population

Let’s begin with the Diagnostic Statistical Manual that professionals use to diagnose mental illness. If we consult the DSM-5 Narcissistic personality disorder is defined as comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following nine criteria:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects to be recognized as superior without actually completing the achievements)
Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love.
Believes that they are “special” and can only be understood by or should associate with other special people (or institutions).
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with his or her expectations).
Is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes

AT LEAST that’s what the male version looks like.

Lying, eye-rollingly self-absorbed, and self-promoting, … you can spot a male Narcissist from a mile away. A Narcissistic mother, not so much.

When it comes to women, it is estimated that 4.8% of women have NPD. Even though the same criteria apply, it may translate differently. Women are socialized to cover up these overt, braggadocious, self-aggrandizing, off-putting behaviors. Her Narcissism may be covert and fly right under the radar of social acceptability. Oftentimes, only her daughter knows the truth of who Mom really is. (Also, many women have traits of Narcissism without having a full-blown personality disorder.) But first, you need to know what you are dealing with.

How to spot Narcissism in your mother

After 30 years of counseling women and seeing them struggle with not knowing why their mothers make them feel so crappy, I’ve identified a few kinds of Narcissistic mothers. See if any or all apply to your mother.

The mother who needs to look perfect (Grandiosity)

This Mom’s life is one PR stunt, window dressing, and cover-up all rolled into one.

She needs to look perfect (or at least superior) to the outside world, and your job is to help her do just that. Your manners, grades, anything you do that people can see must reflect well on Mom. Because, underneath all that superiority, one inescapable fear drives your mother: What will people think?

This concern over what other people might think may override any concern about how her relationship with you feels.

Hiding any evidence of problems or struggle is even more important than looking good. There isn’t any room for missteps in Mom’s carefully constructed fantasy world, no visible margin for error. This rigidity is the one element that separates the mother who is pleased when her children reflect well on her from the Narcissistic mother, who absolutely cannot bear it to be otherwise. What makes her tick?

Why she does it

Underneath her defensive veneer of superiority is a scared, lonely person who is terrified of being seen for who she truly is. And who she is (in her mind) is not good enough. She is directly transferring her own most dreaded fear onto you, giving you that burden to bear, as it were.

To defend herself against this fear, your mother needs to look unique. Her daughter must be a walking billboard, living evidence that Mom is indeed special, more special than anyone. Which leads me too…

The Mother Who Needs to Win (Superiority)

Some mothers judge, micromanage, weigh-in, comment, and critique because they need to be the person with all the answers. Mothers like this feel compelled to top you no matter what. Whatever your opinion, they will counter with one of their own. If something bad happened to you, they had it worse.

Whatever you do, in Mom’s mind, you need correcting, setting straight, fixing, bettering, and improving. And Mom is just the person to do it. After all, who knows you better than your mother? So, when it comes to who you need to be and what you’re doing wrong, she is always right (and never sorry).

It’s as if you’d only do as Mom says; life (and you) would be perfect.

Even on those rare occasions when you eke out what feels like a victory- when Mom seems happy with you-you, you know one false step, and you slip right off that pedestal. You are always one conversation away from another piece of Mom’s advice, wanted or not.

You feel pressure to live out the myth that Mom knows best and is always looking out for you. Even after you have long outgrown that need, she can’t relinquish her role as the authority, the one with the power. What drives her?

Why She Does It
The mother who needs to win needs to feel special because, deep down, she is insecure. She may look confident on the outside, but inside, her feelings of inadequacy can only overcome by making you feel “less-than.”

Mom isn’t worried about your self-esteem—she’s far more driven to elevate her own lest she falls into the abyss of unworthiness. It’s a slippery slope for her. Give you a leg up and down she goes. Her need to defeat you or at least keep you in your place is a cruel consequence of her insecurity. Constantly one-upping you or putting you down allows Mom to feel superior and, more importantly, relevant.

The sad truth is, (she fears) if you could get along without her, why would you choose to be with her? And now for the final kind of Narcissistic mother.

The Mother Who Wants a Do-Over (lacks empathy)

A mother who treats you like a project, who is always making suggestions about how you can improve, may be trying to make herself whole by making you better. It goes without saying this does not work. She sees you as her do-over—more an extension of her than as an independent being.

Whether she appropriates your life for correction or glory, psychologists say she is relating to you as a narcissistic extension.

In real life, this means there is little daylight between the two of you. As her right arm, you are merely an extension of hers to trot out for show or examine for faults, while your purpose is to do her bidding and fight her fights as if they were your own. Which of course feels crappy.

That’s why she can criticize you without a thought as to how that criticism lands with you or demand you “behave” (as she defines it) rather than give you the space and respect to decide for yourself. She over-identifies with your successes and feels wounded by your setbacks and because she doesn’t experience you as a separate person with your own thoughts and feelings. And thus…

Mom can’t empathize with you, she is too busy overidentifying with you.

Why She Does It
The Mom who wants a do-over can’t face the truth about herself. There are scary things hidden away in her psyche that she can’t contain through the defense mechanism of repression alone. As a result, she needs a container to hold all the stuff she wants to discard—and guess who gets to play the role of a garbage can? “Here, hold this, will you?” “Sure, Mom.”

This defense is called projection—Mom projects the unwanted parts of herself onto you and then endeavors to fix them…in you. This unconscious dynamic makes you Mom’s psychological trashcan and recycling receptacle all in one. Lucky you!

Ways a mother’s narcissism affects her daughter.

Throughout development, a child (that would be you) will exhibit a range of emotions—joy, anger, surprise, compassion, greed, happiness, sadness, and disgust—the full range. Yet, when Mom sees (and saw) feelings in you that she can’t face in herself, she overreacts and tries to stamp out whatever emotion you dared to display.

Because it’s not you she’s trying to do over; it’s her.

A daughter’s response –

Imposter Syndrome
Depending on the severity of her need and how locked into this dynamic, you will try valiantly to look good for Mom. Everyday life struggles—with your career, your relationships, anything really—can send you into an anxious tailspin if you worry you are not measuring up. You wear a mask of perfection even though you feel anything but.

You buy into the myth that exceptional is the only acceptable standard, and if you feel you are falling short in some way, you do your best to hide it. As a consequence, you are prone to Imposter Syndrome.

You may look as though you don’t have a care in the world, but deep down inside, you may feel like a fraud just waiting for someone to find you out.

In this way, you carry Mom’s impossible dilemma: you are either worthless or spectacular. Which, more often than not, leaves you feeling worthless and very unspectacular.

Believing mother knows best

You are prone to go along with the idea that Mom knows best and tell yourself that she only wants the best for you. Even though it irritates you on one level, it also seems normal that she is constantly correcting and “improving” you. Even if she doesn’t offer it, you seek out her input. That becomes the expectation. On a more unconscious level, you are careful not to outshine her.

You stay forever, her apprentice.

Thinking you are at fault and responsible for your mother’s happiness –

You keep falling for it—because of the unconscious pull to take care of Mom and make sure she’s okay.

Unconsciously, you think if you can just become whatever she wants you to be, you will finally be Good Enough. But you can’t. So, the doing-over never ends.

“Looking back, mom never let me have my own life. She tried to take over every aspect of my life…for all of my life. Although I had no way of understanding why at the time, any independence on my part was taken as a rejection of her. I never wanted to hurt her; I just wanted to live my own life.”

Like most clients on my psychotherapy couch, Susan couldn’t understand (as a child) that her mother was operating out of deep insecurity.

No child can.

Narcissism or traits of the disorder all have, at their core, deep insecurity. And, this disorder develops in an attempt to manage that insecurity.

A child can’t grasp that the person they depend on is empty. So empty; in fact, she doesn’t have much to give and is psychologically driven to take. The technical word for this is “appropriation.” A Narcissistic mother psychologically appropriates her daughter’s life to meet her unmet needs.

Most vulnerable is her empathetic, attuned daughter, trapped in the role of the good daughter. Her life is quietly appropriated as she tries to make her mother happy. She doesn’t know she has a choice.

It makes you wonder…

What happened to mom to make her Narcissistic?

Your mother’s narcissism probably started in very early childhood, where she didn’t get the quality love and care she needed to get off to a good emotional start.

Just as you needed to see the delight in your mother’s eyes when you were a baby, she needed the same. Bringing joy to our caregivers is the origin of what psychologists call narcissistic supplies.

Narcissistic people get “that way” because they are low on those supplies.

This means, if your mother is Narcissistic, she didn’t feel special enough as a child for simply being herself. When a person comes out of early childhood with a deficit in these supplies, she goes through life trying to fill up this internal emptiness.

That’s why your mother is likely very concerned about how she looks to the world and may exert a lot of effort in living up to cultural, religious, or familial ideals constructing and maintaining a carefully curated façade. She acts as if she has something to prove. And that’s because…well…she does.

So, she spends a lifetime trying to convince both herself and everyone around her that she is, indeed, worth something.

For some mothers, these efforts to look perfect or important are grandiose and overt. However, a covert Narcissistic mother keeps her quest to look perfect, more subtle, and hidden. Disguising her need to be special by micromanaging her daughter’s every move, this covert Narcissism looks on the outside as if she is sacrificing for her children. In reality, she’s transferring her need to be special to her child.

Because the Narcissistic mother has a leak in the bucket of her self-esteem—no matter how she manages to fill the bucket, whatever she puts in, will keep leaking out.

As a daughter, you’ve likely spent your life on the front lines, hauling bucket after bucket back to refill Mom’s leaky one and, of course, failing because it is an impossible task.

Ironically, while you work overtime to make Mom happy, because of her internal emptiness, Mom has a difficult time empathizing with you. She may delight in you when you’re making her look good but feel unsettled and become critical when you struggle.

Can Mom ever change?

Depending on the level of Narcissism, Mom may or may not be able to change. Two variables tell the tale- pervasiveness and persistence.

Pervasiveness– Mom’s who check every one of the boxes, grandiose, manipulative, entitled, and exploitive most… if not all of the time, are less likely to change.

Persistent– Mom’s who rarely show empathy, consideration of others, even a willingness to play fair in some aspect of their life and lie freely and without remorse is less likely to change.

Here’s why-

The defenses – grandiosity, entitlement, and exploitation act as armed guards keeping the beast of shame and low self-esteem at the core of the Narcissist’s psyche out. The full-blown personality disordered Mom will fight to the psychological death not to give them up. She can’t afford to give up any ground at all; at least the whole construct of her false specialness crumble.

Ironically the very defenses that she feels protect her doom her from allowing her to feel the vulnerability necessary to create and maintain intimate relationships.

To change or get better, Mom would have to give up her defenses and be vulnerable. A mother who only brings out the big guns of superiority and entitlement some of the time has a greater capacity for change. This mother is more likely to have suffered specific trauma and has traits of narcissism instead of qualifying for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. The Mom who has traits of NPD might be able to change if you lead the way. Either way, changing the way you relate to her is the only way she will change.

You hold all the cards. You just need a strategy.

In summary – to answer your question “Is my Mom a Narcissist?” there are several factors to consider.

Does she need to look perfect and be superior to others? Does she show little remorse for breaking the rules and no genuine empathy for others? Is she always right and never genuinely sorry? Depending on how severe and persistent, you can be certain Narcissism is at play here.
Narcissism can look different in women and mothers in particular. The underlying drives are still there; they show themselves in more covert ways.
How your mother makes you feel is a significant clue about her style of relating and, thus, her. Do you feel trust and respected or used and appropriated?
Whether Mom’s defenses are persistent and pervasive tells you whether or not she is likely to change.

Whether your Mom is a full-blown Narcissist or high in Narcissistic traits, knowing what drives your mother is the first step in learning how to deal with her and empower yourself.

Awareness is the key to your empowerment.

To break free from this disempowering dynamic … get my guide –The Good Daughter’s Guide the Freedom.

You’ll be glad you did.

Do you see your mother here? Let me know in the comments?

Should I Go No Contact with My Mother- Read This First

January 12, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

There’s usually a last straw, a deal-breaker, the final insult you can’t ignore. You might find yourself saying…,

I have no other choice except to go no contact with my mother?

That may indeed be the right choice, but you will be helped if you take a moment and think this through.

Real-life examples from real clients
When it makes sense to go no contact
For other kinds of moms, you have other options.
Here is where most daughters go wrong
Instead of demanding she change, you must realize your value.
Here’s the problem with deploying the “no contact” option right out of the gate.
Another approach besides going no contact
5 examples of setting boundaries that are within your control.
What are the advantages of setting a boundary first – even if you ultimately go no contact down the road?
In summary – when you ask, “should I go no contact with my mother,” remember this…

First, realize you do have a choice-

Watch below to see what I mean.

Is this you?

Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat. Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.

At what point do you say ENOUGH?! Enough abuse, dysfunction, bullying, momma drama, intrusion, insults, and toxicity for one lifetime, you say.

You’ve reached the end of your rope, the last straw, and you can’t let her treat you this way.

Frankly, you don’t know what else to do.

Let me help you.

First of all…you are not alone.

Almost every daughter of a difficult mother I see in psychotherapy struggles with drawing the line and drawing a hard line with her mother.

I’ve led hundreds of women just like you through the process of deciding whether or not to go no contact with their mother. Whether or not they end up going no contact isn’t as important as the approach to making the change.

As you will see- unless you take the essential steps, the whole thing can easily backfire on you, leaving you worse than where you began.

Real-life examples from real clients- considering no contact with Mom.

Seated on my psychotherapy couch, Sarah is in agony.

” I can’t take one more discussion of my faults. Nothing is ever good enough for her. No matter what I do… she weighs in with criticism and judgment. I get off the phone in tears feeling terrible about myself. Who needs that? I’d be better off never talking to her again.”

In a later session, Emily says, “Mom’s a black hole.

“I constantly take care of her and have nothing left for myself. Her neediness is sucking the life out of me. Everything turns into drama, and whatever happens, it’s always my fault. When will this end?”

Still later, Susan says,” My mother is toxic.

She poisons everything she touches. She twists the truth and constantly manipulates to make herself look good instead of owning up to anything. I’ve had it with her lies and manipulations. After what she said to me yesterday, I am never speaking to that woman again!”

Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat. Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.

There’s just no coming back from this one- you tell yourself.

Should I go no contact with my mother?

Maybe she’s criticized you for the last time or created so much unnecessary drama she has exhausted all the goodwill, second chances, or patience you’ve got in you. Or you’ve exhausted yourself trying to please her and find…nothing is ever good enough for her.

Either way, you are out of emotional gas.

In the course of a psychotherapy day, I hear more than one daughter trapped in the role of the “good daughter” of a difficult mother struggle with this one agonizing question, “Should I go no contact with my mother or do something less drastic?”

When it makes sense to go no contact with your mother

Sometimes going no contact is the only acceptable option. Especially for daughters of mothers who fall on the antisocial, sociopathic end of the psychological spectrum, cutting off all contact can be the only way to save yourself. Or if you have put up with abusive treatment and want to call it quits you have it within your rights to decide who you will give access- full stop.

Should you go no contact with your mother? Sometimes it is plain as day.

The short answer is probably “YES ” if your mother is one of those Moms.

How can you tell if your mother is one of those moms- (the antisocial, sociopathic or extremely disturbed Moms)

ask yourself

Does Mom regularly break the law, lie, steal, or cheat without any show of remorse?
Is she intentionally cruel and seems to take pleasure in causing others misery?
Does she possess no capacity for empathy… no matter the circumstance?
Has she shown little or no capacity for self-reflection
You need to get off the roller coaster with a mother who is making your life a living hell.

The sociopathic mother is, frankly, rare. She is, however, someone you need to protect yourself from. If you can be 100% sure she is incapable of acting with basic human emotions, you need to get away… and fast. No contact is definitely in order.

If you are on the fence, I may have another option for you.

For most narcissistic, borderline, or personality disordered moms (many of whom land somewhere on a spectrum), you have other options to exercise before you deploy the nuclear option- going no contact. ( and remember you always have that option).

As angry and ready to take action as you are… thinking this one through will pay off in the long run even if you ultimately decide to go no contact. Stick with me here and…

ask yourself –

Is Mom controlling, manipulative, and self-centered when her back is up against the wall? But, when the heat is off, and she doesn’t feel threatened, can she show some empathy? Does she follow the rules in some aspect of her life, even when it isn’t to her advantage?

* I want to be sure you know- if your answer is yes, that doesn’t make Mom’s behavior okay in my book… not by a long shot. It just means she has other, more human psychological tools in her toolbox.

(You have to give her enough reason to use them- but more on that later.)

Here is where most daughters go wrong-

Insist Mom admit she is wrong and you are right.
Insist Mom agrees to therapy and works on changing herself.

And if not, you will go NO CONTACT!

“What’s wrong with that, you say? Mom is wrong, and she needs to admit it before anything can change. She is the one that is messed up and needs help. Isn’t that obvious!”

In a perfect world – YES! But in my experience, this approach rarely goes well.

You see, Mom’s ways of thinking and doing things have been ingrained over years and years. She is very practiced at it and is unlikely to make a % 180-degree turn.

Giving Mom this kind of ultimatum, you will likely get defensive push-back rather than the hoped-for concession.

“But why,” you ask? “I’m only asking for her to own her part in the dysfunction and agree to change her ways. Is that too much to ask?”

The answer isn’t so much about what is fair… as it is about what is possible.

And I want to set you up for success, not failure.

Here’s the unvarnished truth as I know it-

A mother whose personality structure has been dependent on deflecting blame and criticism is virtually allergic to taking responsibility for her actions. She will hardly EVER admit to being wrong, think she needs therapy, or commit to acting differently- at least, not in this lifetime.

Think of it this way: Mom has been using her defense mechanisms for pretty much her entire life, certainly way before you came along. As such, she will have encountered resistance to her ways. If none of the consequences she has encountered thus far has been enough to make her reconsider and self-reflect, she is unlikely to give them up now.

In her mind, admitting she is wrong, messed up, or needs to change will dismantle her entire psychologically constructed house of cards. She will fight to the psychological death to give it up even if it destroys all her relationships in the process.

Yes, if Mom is that difficult, she isn’t going to back down and admit she is the one with the problem.

Does that mean Mom is hopeless and you have no other choice but to go no contact? I would argue- no, not right away anyway. But, the change that needs to happen is within you. You have to get clear on the fact that you matter.

Instead of demanding she change, you must realize your value and act accordingly.

I will show you how.

“Why is this so hard for me to do!”

Well, you see, the thing you need to do is the thing that is **hardest for you to do.**

This is because you have had NO practice or support claiming your needs. Life as the Good daughter has revolved around your mother’s needs, moods, and preferences. It’s like a muscle you’ve hardly ever used. So it has atrophied.

You don’t know that your needs, preferences, and opinions count TOO. Not yet, anyway.

Ironically, demanding your mother change (and deep down knowing she won’t ) is just another version of making her the one that matters.

Put her on the defensive, and you will be dealt an onslaught of excuses, deflections, accusations, and well-worn arguments. Either that or she will play the victim and crumble in a heap of tears designed to disarm you.

Most difficult mothers have black belts in launching an offense as the best defense or playing the victim, so you won’t hold her accountable.

She’s been in training for this one her whole life.

What’s more, Before you know it- IT’S. ALL. ABOUT. HER… AGAIN!

Here’s the other problem with deploying the “no contact” option right out of the gate.

After the anger subsides and the amnesia of time washes over you, you are in danger of succumbing to the biggest boundary-caving emotion of all- GUILT!

Especially for the daughter, trapped in the “good” daughter’s role, guilt has her in a vise grip. When the guilt sets in, I usually hear some variation of, “But she’s my MOTHER. She did the best she could. She didn’t let me starve-I’ll give her that. Besides, what would she do without me? I can’t cut my own mother off, can I?”

BUT- let me tell you, feeling guilty and being guilty are two different things. You may feel guilty that you are destroying her life but only be guilty of wanting a healthy boundaried relationship.

You have to prepare.

Otherwise, she will knock you off your game at the first sign of resistance.

If you have some tenderness in your relationship with your Mom, guilt can swamp you and kill off your resolve as soon as you can say, ” Mother, May I?” Then, before you know it, you are back in the subservient position with Mom apologizing for upsetting her.

Keep in mind- if you go no contact time will pass, and there will always be-

-A funeral

-A wedding-

-The birth of a baby-

Will you stay away and miss out?

In some cases, staying away is necessary. Being in the same room with Mom isn’t worth your sanity. But if you declare no contact, be prepared – from now on, the losses that come along will keep on adding up.

So is there a way, an approach that won’t box you in?

When you ask, should I go no contact with my mother?-

You have to face this central truth.

When you lay down any version of “this isn’t working for me,” it will cause some upset. Mom isn’t all of a sudden going to roll over and acquiesce. Nope, she will kick up a fuss of some kind- even if the fuss comes in the form of the silent treatment.

Is there another approach besides going no contact with your mother?

YES!

An alternative (which may or may not lead up to no contact depending on Mom’s response) is to set a boundary around something important to you but isn’t the biggest issue you have with Mom.

*In my version, you will use the fact that she will give you push back to your advantage. You actually count on the fact that she is going to overreact.

The key is- you have to set a boundary that is about something you can control.

5 examples of setting boundaries that are within your control.

Telling Mom-

You aren’t ready/willing to share when she asks you something too personal.
Returning Mom’s emails or phone calls on your schedule instead of hers.
Right or wrong, you need to make your own adult decisions despite how she may feel about them.
You are going to spend the holidays with your in-laws.
You will have to agree to disagree on a political or religious issue.

That’s it!

When she pushes back, you keep your cool and stand your ground.

You don’t threaten anything big. You simply refuse to give her the power to have control over you. This way, you make a small change and expect a BIG reaction. By stating a reasonable boundary and sticking to it, you let her have an UNREASONABLE overreaction.

That’s right. You expect the outsized reaction, and you stand your ground and change the dynamic.

Repeat as necessary- with each intrusion, boundary-crossing, unwanted advice, criticism, you assert your adult power.

No matter what Mom does, you can strengthen a muscle that has been weak up until now. You can score a personal win despite Mom’s reaction. Watch below to find out how.

What are the advantages of setting a boundary first – even if you ultimately go no contact down the road?

You can set a small (low emotional ) boundary and expect and prepare for some pushback. That way, you can build the self-reliance muscle one small rep at a time.
You come from a place of thoughtful intention instead of a defensive reaction.
Setting a boundary this way enhances your self-esteem and sense of sovereignty over your life.

**In this way, you are signaling to Mom that you are taking charge of your life.*

You are the boss of you! Imagine that!

Here’s a little-acknowledged secret- as powerless as you are used to feeling, you ultimately hold the power now that you are an adult.

(And that includes going no contact if that’s what you choose.)

What?????? That’s right. As an adult, you get to decide how much contact you have with your Mom. And here’s another little secret. Despite her actions, and sometimes because of them …deep down… she knows it too.

As a child, she had the power. As an adult, you hold the power.

This is your first task. To realize and accept the full extent of your power. Her actions, no matter how misguided, are designed to keep you from knowing this essential truth. Because when you realize it… she loses her hold on you.

Yes, it’s that simple.

So with that in mind-

**Now next time you ask yourself, should I go no contact with my mother? You have a whole new way of thinking about it.**

You get to decide what is and is not okay with you, communicate it, and stick to your guns.

That means, know what you plan to do if Mom crosses a line or exhibits a behavior you have decided is off-limits. Setting the limit doesn’t involve controlling her but taking control of yourself. This is the key.

Again you aren’t asking her to do something you know she (probably) won’t do. You are taking action.

What would this look like?

Walk away.

Stop talking.

End the phone conversation.

” Mom, I’m going to hang up now,” ” Mom, I’m not willing to talk about x with you anymore” ” Mom, I’ll let you know if I change my mind about x, but for now, I’m going to do y. Mom, I hear your concern, but I need to figure this out on my own.”

DISENGAGE.

These are choices that are within your power. It’s that simple and that hard, but the effort is more internal than external.

Will Mom go along? I expect not! When you set those expectations and communicate them, most daughters say, “My mother won’t go for that.”

To that, I say, of course, she won’t. If you were to wait for mom to realize the error of her ways, you might be waiting a lifetime. Just because mom has always called the shots in your relationship, you assume that’s the way it will always be. WRONG!

In this healthier scenario-

**you aren’t asking her for permission; you decide for yourself the kind of adult relationship you want.**

Big difference. It’s time to take the reins of your own life. Having her in your life, or not, is your choice. You didn’t choose your mother, but you can choose how you relate (or if you relate) to the mother you have.

Now let’s get down to the process that can get you there.

3 mindest shifts to prepare-

AWARENESS– consider what it costs you when you abdicate your power to mom and let her call the shots. Are you going to live your life for your mother forever?

CONFIDENCE -find your voice and learn what stating your boundaries and limits sounds like, how to say it, and, what to say.

RESOLVE– steady yourself for the inevitable pushback you get when you set those boundaries. Did I say pushback? A tsunami of resistance would be more like it. You need to be emotionally prepared.

Will this be easy? Not on your life.

In fact, whether you get a minor tremor or a significant earthquake of resistance is directly proportional to the level of dysfunction in your relationship. A healthy, balanced relationship involves both parties who consider each other’s interests and compromise.

While the resistance is undeniably upsetting, it also holds incredibly valuable information. When your reasonable request touches off explosive resistance, you know you have unearthed a landmine of dysfunction. And, you can’t deal with something you don’t know is there.

Then, depending on how mom responds- this is a great litmus test to see if Mom has defenses that will be problematic and unchangeable or if she can reverse course.

If you are clear and have internal resolve (admittedly a huge task), the rest will fall into place.

Not easily or smoothly, but developing internal resolve is essential for your own healing whether your mother ever changes. By taking the upper hand, you have flipped the dynamics of the relationship. For the first part of your life, mom held the power. Now it’s your turn.

So, in summary – when you ask, should I go no contact with my mother? remember –

Whether you go low contact, no contact, or “I’m taking a break for now” contact, if you have communicated your needs and limits, you can let her decide the level of contact by her actions and response. In effect, you are saying, ” Mom, here is where I stand; you decide how ( and if) you choose to show up in my life.”

In this way, you take control of your life instead of hoping she will change.

*A Bonus- you don’t have to shoulder all of the responsibility of deciding whether or not you and your mother have a relationship. With a wake-up call, mom may alter her approach or not. Then, making the call about how much contact you want is based on real-life data.

One thing is for certain, hoping mom will change is not a strategy. Whatever her response, by exercising your power in this way, you build your confidence and start living life on your own terms. If you need me to help you formulate a plan, you can reach me here.

And that is always a good place to start no matter where you end up!

From Good Daughter To Empowered Woman – Get your free guide here.

Where are you in this? Have you tried no contact or low contact? Let me know in the comments.

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio

5.0

Brisa Silvestre

19:07 15 Feb 21

I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.

Stephanie Emerson

21:53 06 Feb 21

I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!

Lisa Canfield

18:51 13 May 20

If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.

Mary Lee

17:49 18 Jun 15

I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW

Holly Mills

18:55 21 May 15

Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!

A Non

14:31 09 Apr 15

Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!

Kathleen O'Grady

15:36 28 Mar 15

Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.

See All Reviews

For most children, Mom is a safe home base.

But what if Mom is the scary one?

In those moments when you were a child, scared, hurting, and alone…. you turned to Mom, and Mom couldn’t help you.

Alternatively, sensing you wanted closeness, she drew you in close, too close.

And like a drowning person, she clung to you as if her emotional life depended on it – her death grip threatening to pull you under with her.

Either way, living in the emotionally upside-down world as a child with a BPD mother, you are left with emotional wounds that don’t go away just because you’ve gotten older.

Let’s turn to the characteristics of a BPD mother that impact her child

Here are some traits of the BPD mother that have a substantial impact on her daughter

7 Ways Your BPD Mother Impacted You

1. You walks on eggshells

2. You can’t trust your judgment

3. You keep waiting for the other shoe to drop

4. You constantly feel guilty

5. You can’t say, “No.”

6. You have trouble setting and sticking to boundaries

7. You wonder if you’re the crazy one.

A manipulative, intrusive, overbearing, micromanaging…. controlling mother can make your life miserable. In the extreme, it can be soul-crushing and do violence to your sense of agency, leaving you wounded with a lifetime of low self-esteem and self-doubt.

Are you ready to break free from your controlling mother?

Let me set you up for success with my 5 step process.

Okay, so here we go. I will take you through a series of questions that will lay the foundation of your liberation. Please stick with me until the end.

1) Know what’s controlling her, so you will know why she needs to control you!

Let’s take a look at what I mean-

Superiority– does your controlling Mother need to be better than you or defeat you?

Fear– is your controlling Mother afraid for you?

Relevance– is your controlling Mother terrified of becoming irrelevant?

Can’t let go -does your controlling Mother have abandonment issues and won’t let you go?

Over identification- does your controlling Mother see herself in you and assume you all are the same?

Entitlement– does your controlling Mother feel it is her right to direct your every move?

Trauma- does your controlling Mother overreact to some issues and not others?

Appropriation- does your controlling mother treat you as if you were an extension of her?

When you know what Mom needs from you, you will know what you are up against for reasonable and not-so-reasonable reasons.

Knowledge is power.

2) Know yourself-

You may be unaware of a controlling mother’s impact on you

Low-self esteem –

Self-doubt-

Guilt-

It’s a subtle but important difference.

3) Lead with intention-

4) Be prepared for pushback

If Mom is used to having the reins of control, she isn’t likely to give them up without a fight.

Let her know that you will want to be with her more if she isn’t constantly criticizing or telling you what to do.

Or you may need to play hardball.

5) Stay the course and follow-through

Let me know about your controlling mother in the comments.

If you’ve landed here… you know I’ve created an entire website devoted to calling out difficult mothers and helping their daughters. Yikes! I’ve taken the hardest job on the planet (motherhood) and shone the spotlight on the cracks.

Why don’t I just give mothers a break? !!!!

So why do I insist on holding mothers to a high standard?

Simple. Mothers have power over their daughters.

The women who come after her will pay the price….anxiety, low self-esteem, depression…

that is, until someone says ENOUGH!

When you know better you can do better.

There’s too much work to be done on both micro and macro levels.

When we rise up, we can lift each other up.

Your mother has issues.

This isn’t unusual.

How does this happen?

How do I know?

Here are 10 signs of the good daughter syndrome- can you relate?

1) No matter how hard you work for Mom’s approval, it’s never good enough.

2) Mom gives you unsolicited advice.

3) Mom is never wrong and never sorry.

4) She’s always crossing your boundaries

5) You feel responsible for Mom’s happiness.

6) Mom takes any pushback as a rejection of her.

7) Mom thinks she knows what is best for you.

8) Although not explicitly stated, making Mom look good and feel good is your job.

9) Standing up to Mom is hard for you.

10) Plagued by self-doubt, you constantly second-guess yourself.

Do you see yourself in 7 out of the 10 statements?

It’s a trap that keeps the Narcissistic mother empath daughter continuing on; being “good” for mom when it is bad for them. The truth is, it doesn’t really help anyone. It just keeps the dysfunction going.

Find out if you are the Good Daughter – go here to take the quiz- It’s quick, and it’s free.

How are you good for mom in ways that might be bad for you?

Let me know in the comments.

Just once you’d like to get off the phone or come away from a visit with Mom and feel good about yourself, is that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

Why?

How to deal with a toxic mother -10 Tips

1) Find out what’s behind your Mother’s toxic behavior.

2) Realize change is only going to come from you-

Here is my free guide From Good Daughter to Empowered Woman

5) **Complain to everyone but Mom**

RESTRAINT