Daughters Rising

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and Romantic Relationships: When Anxiety Feels Like Love

by Katherine Fabrizio

For daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, romantic relationships are set up for trouble, real trouble.

* Having never learned what a secure love feels like, they understandably mistake their anxiety for love.

If a Narcissistic mother raised you, and things aren’t going so well in your love life, I’d like to help you make sense of your experience.

showing how daughters of narcissistic mothers and romantic relationships begin

First, let’s start with how you are set up for failure?

Because Mom is your primary attachment figure (read, your first love), your experience with Mom is your template for love.

Let me explain:

Biologically, we are primed for attachment. In this extended state of dependency, we are one big love machine. Because we can’t feed ourselves, walk or talk on our own for almost a year, we literally can’t survive without a mothering (or caregiving) presence. Yep, that includes your mom.

Babies are cute for a reason, an evolutionary reason.

Mother nature ensures our survival by making us irresistibly cute and undeniably taken with our primary caregiver. We are, in fact, wired to love the one we are with. So baby (that would be you) is going to make the best of it… with all she’s got.

One of the brain’s primary functions at this stage is to bond…which is to fall deeply and completely in love.

Your first love is Mom. The first meal you enjoyed was at Mom’s breast or the bottle while gazing into her eyes. As her arms cradled you, this was your first bed.  The voice you first heard was hers in utero and then later cooing you to sleep. You were literally wired for attachment to your particular Mom.

And home to you was… wherever mom was.

The nest she created, your room, and the house you grew up in was an extension of mom. The way the kitchen smelled when she cooked your favorite food…. her perfume, the touch of the blanket or teddy bear that she gave you- all an extension of mom. We encode all of these things, and they all become elements of our attachment template.

That’s all well and good, but…

What happens if mom is depressed, narcissistic, or borderline?

daughters of narcissistic mothers and romantic relationships

You may have looked into your mother’s eyes only to find emptiness or worry rather than delight.

If she was fighting off anxiety, she might have been unable to be present in a way that soothed you. Perhaps your needs overwhelmed her, not because you were too much but because she felt inadequate as a mother. If she was depressed, she couldn’t muster the enthusiasm to give you a loving gaze in return. Instead, you got the flatline of indifference.

If she was unable to self-regulate, she was unable to be a soothing presence for you.

It should come as no surprise, Daughters of Narcissistic mothers have a completely different experience of romantic relationships. It is directly related to their experience of their first love, Mom.

Ask yourself:

What was going on with Mom when you were born?

Did she have enough food? Was your father out drinking, and she jumped every time she heard a police siren or the phone ring? Perhaps your brother or sister was challenging to handle and distracted mom so much that you lost her loving attention. Or she was unmothered herself… to such an extent that she just didn’t have it in her to give to you.

All of the above and more are possible.

If you were an attuned, empathetic “good” daughter, the chances are great that you did more than your fair share of the emotional work to make the relationship work. If mom were Narcissistic, she had major deficits in her sense of self and was unable to mother you in a way that made you feel safe and secure.

Bottom-line for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and their template for romantic relationships: This is what you have come to expect from love.

It isn’t your fault; it is your experience.  

Why on earth would you expect a later love to be any different?

When you fall in love-

When you fall for that beautiful boy, that handsome rogue, or that irresistible same-sex partner, your attachment systems go all out. The same system activated to ensure your survival is now activated to make sure you pair, bond, and reproduce.

Mother nature wants what she wants.

She doesn’t care if he or she is right or wrong for you.

Mother nature has her way with you.

This is why the whites of the eyes show as lovers gaze at each other. The pupils dilate, and the heart pounds. You call each other baby. You coo and feed each other, hold and caress. Simply gazing into each other’s eyes causes a cascade of feel-good hormones.

This template etched in your unconscious is the operating system running the show.

The script from which you speak is what you unconsciously bring into your relationships. Mother nature is trying to ensure the perpetuation of the species, and your brain is calling it love!

What happens when you meet the not-so-nice guy or gal?

Because of this unconscious template, when you are dropped, ignored, or dissed by your romantic interest, others might see it as a deal-breaker. But you, you see it as a challenge that you need to meet.

Better yet, if he/she’s unavailable, addicted, self-absorbed, or opportunistic – you insist they are misunderstood. They haven’t encountered your brand of loving. The loving that will make it all better. You go all in; you’ve got this.

That heart-pounding, shortness of breath is just proving to you that this is true love.  You just know it.

Then you go into over-drive, working like hell to make it work. Your well-meaning friends are trying to talk sense into you, but your unconscious isn’t listening. They just don’t understand. You’ve been here before, and it feels like home.

Hell, you were born for this!

How did you get so unlucky?

While some people (who have a different attachment template) might avoid or disengage when faced with an unavailable or not-so-nice partner, this isn’t you. You love love, love, a project. You go all out as if your life depended on making this relationship work.

Once rooted in your childhood experience, it is now buried deep in your unconscious brain, telling you dangerous lies. Lies that only put your hurtful experience on repeat.

How do you experience it consciously?

You might misinterpret your anxiety as butterflies… telling you this is the one instead of telling you the more appropriate message-RUN FOR THE HILLS!

When you experience this anxiety, you feel on a deep primal preverbal level that your very survival is in question.  When you don’t feel the other’s attention or love in a dependable, consistent way, you feel anxiety.

Your attachment system makes you an addict in need of a fix of attention.

You lose sight of considering whether the other person is a suitable partner.

We joke and say you lose your mind. But this is true.  You look for ways to keep the “other’s” attention. Instead of looking out for yourself, you work to elicit signs of their affection &/or caretaking from the other.

 You start to confuse anxiety with love.

This can be a slippery slope anxiously working to keep the other person’s attention. Do it enough, and you only reinforce the idea that you are in love.

Before you know it, love hurts.

What you call love, is in fact, primarily anxious bonding from an insecure attachment.

While the baby in you is trying to ensure survival, the good daughter in you is working too hard and settling for more she should.

*You aren’t doomed, and you aren’t broken.

You deserve to be loved and to give love.

If you find yourself trapped in a pattern of mistaking anxiety for love, healing begins with awareness.

To find out if you are caught in the good daughter trap, go here.

Because mom is your primary attachment figure (read, your first love) the way you learned to love is your template for love. Click To Tweet If you find yourself trapped in a pattern of mistaking anxiety for love, know it isn't your fault. Healing begins with awareness. Click To Tweet You might misinterpret your anxiety as butterflies... telling you this is the one instead of telling you the more appropriate message- run for the hills. Click To Tweet

 

Choosing Mom Over Your Partner Can Ruin Your Sex Life And Undermine Your Relationship

by Katherine Fabrizio

Are you choosing Mom over your partner and sabotaging your sex life?

Read below and see if you see yourself.

Her timing is impeccable.

Just when you are starting to get intimate with your partner your cell goes off…”Hold on sweetie; I’ve got to get this. It’s mom calling!” Good lord, the invasion of Iraq didn’t take this much planning. Your oldest is having a play date, SCORE!
The baby down for a nap, SCORE! Your libido is somehow retrieved from the south pole……SCORE! SCORE! SCORE!

Nothing could ruin it, right?

A private moment stolen with your husband/partner, and just as you were starting to, you know, get that lovin’ feelin’, your cell goes off, and it’s YOUR MOTHER. As your husband rolls over, groaning in exasperation and clicks on the remote control, your mother intones into the phone that your sister has just gotten a DWI……..AGAIN! Or something, or someone, has upset her – a family crisis no doubt and she needs your attention, your listening ear. With your hand over the phone, you turn to your husband and whisper- “she really needs to talk. I’m sorry.”  (You’ve played the “good daughter” once again to your detriment.) And just like that your sex life, or what passes for one, has just been put on life support by dear old mom.“SCORE” is replaced with “EPIC FAIL”!

Even IF you could start-up again time-wise, nothing puts the kibosh on your libido like a convo with mom.

Yep- your libido just went into hiding again and has no plans to return.

Let’s take a look at what just happened here-

By answering mom’s call and interrupting your intimate session with your partner, you chose mom over your partner. Did you see that? It might not have even consciously registered.

You may be so used to putting mom first,  you aren’t aware you are choosing her over your adult partner. However, if you habitually choose mom over your partner,  you may have a much bigger problem on your hands. If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline or tremendously insecure, it may be very difficult to enforce healthy boundaries.

Either way, the consequences are just as damaging. All too often the mother/daughter duo steals from the relationship which needs nurturing sustaining and developing. It does so quietly, subtly, but surely. 

This bedroom scenario may be just one example of mom’s intrusion into your marriage.

Does mom’s overreach end here or does she-

  1. Weigh in on pivotal parenting decisions and circumvent your partner’s power?
  2. Relate to you as if she were your primary emotional partner?
  3. Tell you things and request you not tell your partner?

    What can happen if this goes unchecked-

Mom’s intrusiveness can be deadly to your relationship with your husband or significant other. Whether or not you consciously acknowledge it, she is forcing you to choose if this scene is played over and over. What looks at first, innocuous, can gain such destructive force, it can take down a marriage/partnership faster than you can say “Mother, may I?”

Where are you in this?

Is your ” too close”  alliance with mom costing you intimacy with your partner? Is this a corrosive toxin slowly eroding your love life? You may know that your mother drives you crazy and gets under your skin, but you may not know that this dysfunctional dynamic with her is stealing the very key to so much of your happiness.

When your Mother is Narcissistic or difficult, this unhealthy dynamic is put on steroids. The Narcissistic or insecure Mother will experience any closeness her daughter has with another as a threat.

Looking back at the wedding, you realize, mom was front and center. 

Here is how this plays out-

On the surface, the intrusive mother may appear supportive of her daughter’s marriage, yet the daughter, especially the daughter in the role of the”good daughter“, will feel a tug as her alliance is tested.  As a result, the “good daughter” will feel torn instead of support during the planning stages of the wedding.

Underneath the myriad of decisions, Mom is always calling the question- “Who is important here? Whose side are you on?” The ‘good daughter’ knows, always knows, the correct answer. She’d better choose mom. What first starts as a mother/daughter public event- otherwise known as a wedding, quickly devolves into three people in a marriage.

Before you know it, you have formed an unconscious alliance with your mother that leaves your husband or partner -odd man out. You may joke with mom about how clueless men are without seeing what this does to him and your relationship. What you can’t see so clearly is that your put-downs take their toll. Pretty soon the man in your life checks out in front of the television or buries his head in his electronics.

If you could see inside his heart, you might see that he has given up.

He is programmed not to show it, but he can’t take the put-downs anymore, so he protects himself by tuning you out, and keeping his head down. And if you aren’t careful, this begins to be the new normal. Here is where the odds are stacked against you- As a “Good Daughter” you have so many hang-ups about sex, your libido is just a fragile house of cards ready to come tumbling down with the first strong wind of mother guilt.

Sexual shame, mother guilt, and bad girl feelings are anything but a girl’s best friend when it comes to a sex life. With the business of everyday life plus or minus kids… your sex life can be in the toilet before you know it. My final words of caution. It’s not all about sex, but when the sex goes, a whole lot goes with it.

Here’s the bottom line-

3 people in a marriage are one too many. Without a vital connection to your partner, your marriage grows dead on the vine. By elevating mom to an equal or, god forbid, superior status in your marriage you might be quietly ( unconsciously) destroying it.

You can turn this around if you wake up to this underlying destructive dynamic that keeps you in the “good” daughter at the expense of your adult connection.

This is only one of the ways being stuck in the “good daughter” role is bad for you.

Before it’s too late find out if you are stuck in the ” good daughter” role- go here.

3 people in a marriage are one too many. Without a vital connection to your partner, your marriage grows dead on the vine. Click To Tweet Choosing Mom Over Your Partner Can Ruin Your Sex Life And Undermine Your Relationship Click To Tweet By elevating mom to an equal or, god forbid, superior status in your marriage you might be quietly ( unconsciously) destroying it. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

When Mom Looks to Her Daughter To Be Her Emotional Partner- Why Maternal Parentification Is a Problem

by Katherine Fabrizio

( Here is what maternal parentification looks like) 

“Help, my Mother won’t let go- Mom calls me many times a day and I  don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can.I know this hurts her feelings but what she doesn’t realize is this – “I am swamped with guilt,  I feel suffocated and resentful. Where did I sign on to be her emotional partner? I wish she would let me live my own life. “

As a psychotherapist for over 30 years, I have heard this more times than I can count. 

Daughters who just want the space to live their own lives without mom’s emotional clinging.

The reason for mom’s over-involvement range from full-blown personality disorder to differing cultural expectations. If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline or Addicted her attuned daughter may be trapped in the role of the good daughter.  She takes on an emotional burden that was never supposed to be hers.

How does this happen?

Sometimes mom is divorced and hasn’t successfully recoupled. Other times mom has checked out of her relationship with her husband and has a long-standing pattern of looking to her daughter for emotional support. Either way- When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary partner, instead of their partner or peer this interferes with their daughter’s emotional growth. This makes her daughter feel guilty for growing up and leaving home.

Looking to daughters for this level of closeness is called parentification and holds daughters back from living their lives. 

When mom has serious psychological difficulties, this difficult dynamic is put on steroids! Mom goes nuclear if she detects her daughter is pulling away. Using epic levels of guilt, the disturbed mother will stop at nothing to bring her daughter back into her realm of influence.

The unspoken rule is this- the daughter is responsible for mom’s emotional well-being. 

Letting go of your daughter will break your heart and is the most important gift you can give her. I should know.

Either way, these daughters end up feeling a debilitating guilt for their natural strivings for independence. If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped inside of an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of making a healthy separation for herself. This is very unhealthy for her daughter.

To find out if you are in the role of the “good” daughter – go here.

 

 

 

This Is What It Costs The Adult Daughter Of A Narcissistic/Difficult Mother

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

( Here is how it feels to be the adult daughter of a narcissistic/difficult mother)

“My mother is driving me crazy!”

Is this just any daughter complaining about her mother or is it an indication that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship? Is she dealing with a Narcissistic Mother?

A daughter has been raised by a mother with serious psychological difficulty, isn’t just bitching about mom. She is trapped by her mother’s needs in ways that cost her then  & now. When mom has NPD ( Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or  BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder) or has traits of these personality disorders, her daughter will suffer.

The daughter who is attuned to mom is frequently stuck in the role of the “good daughter”. This role is good for mom but bad for her. For the “good” daughter, rejecting mom is simply not an option.  She is not only hurt by her damaged mother but on some level feels responsible for her mother’s well-being. This adaptation to moms’ distorted sense of self will affect every aspect of her daughter’s life.

Her mother’s defenses mandate she look “good” for mom or be “good” for mom. Mom’s need for self-preservation comes at the cost of her daughter’s developmental needs. Growing up – the good daughter learns that care-taking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. She has learned to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem.

For emotional survival, she learns to disconnects from herself and tunes into mom’s needs instead.

What does it cost her to be ‘good” for mom instead of real for herself?  The daughter in the role of the good daughter may look like she has it all together yet be flooded with self-doubt when met with the slightest criticism. Years of looking good for mom and feeling that she has to be better than she leaves her with little emotional resilience. Consequentially, detaching from her essential self, while letting another person in is almost impossible.

Because of this detachment, her capacity for intimate relating can be severely limited.

Isolated and lonely, the good daughter is plagued by an emptiness she doesn’t understand. She assumes everyone feels it. The acceptance she longs for frequently feels out of her reach. Tragically, when the “good daughter” feels the need to keep up an illusion of perfection, no one gets to see whom she really is at her core.

When a love interest gets too close, she may back away, fearing if she reveals her real self, she will be found lacking. This is her double-bind, show your true self and you risk losing the love you need. Keep up a front and you never really feel loved for yourself. Alternatively, she will pick partners who are in desperate need of narcissistic mirroring themselves.

She may be surrounded by people but feel profoundly lonely and not know why. Riddled with anxiety she won’t measure up in some way, the good daughter often over-functions at work or at school. Rather than bringing a sense of satisfaction, she feels like an imposter only waiting to be found out.

The good daughter might exercise and starve herself to quiet the internalized critical voice that relentlessly calls her “fat,” “lazy,”.  If she obeys the internal critical voices and gives of herself enough, she can sometimes calm the voices to a dull roar. Still, the internal tyrant is always there, lying in wait—waiting to hunt her down the minute the “good daughter” lets down her guard.

In an effort to look good, she may keep it all together only to turn to food or alcohol when no one is looking. In extreme cases, she resorts to cutting or other forms of self-harm to release the accumulated pressure she feels from keeping up the facade.

Keeping up the facade is exhausting and never-ending. The “good daughter” may not know how to fail in small ways and bounce back. There is no middle ground. Her so-called successes are both a pedestal and a prison. Every success sets an expectation she feels she has to meet, every time.

The fake smile, the protective mask, the relentless pursuit of perfection has crushed the little girl inside who has learned to look good her narcissistically defended mom instead of being real for herself. Being real wasn’t good enough for mom.

The good daughter must look good and make sure everyone is okay with her-even when mom is nowhere in sight. No one told her that this is an impossible task. Because happiness, even her own, is an inside job. As a result of trying, she may feel overwhelming shame, guilt, and self-doubt. These oppressive feelings threaten to bury her alive.

What can she do? 

She needs to know that her buried self is still there, waiting to be reclaimed and brought back to life.

Paradoxically, her discontent holds the breadcrumbs to trace a way back to herself. The good daughter’s unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self. Plugging back into the current of her true range of feelings—not merely the “nice” ones—can energize her passion and creativity. With that energy, she may finally be able to shake off the shame, claim her true feelings, and find her way back home—to her essential self. Armed with awareness, the Good Daughter can use the map of her mother’s narcissistic wounds as the detailed guide to finding her power as a woman. Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment.

 

To find out if you have the Good Daughter Syndrome go here.

 

Tweet it out; break the cycle

A daughter has been raised by a mother with serious psychological difficulty, isn't just bitching about mom. She is trapped by her mother's needs in ways that cost her then & cost her now. Click To Tweet Armed with awareness, the Good Daughter can use the map of her mother's narcissistic wounds as the detailed guide to finding her power as a woman. Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment. Click To Tweet The good daughter's unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self. Click To Tweet The fake smile, the protective mask, the relentless pursuit of perfection has crushed the little girl inside who has learned to look good her narcissistically defended mom instead of being real for herself. Click To Tweet Riddled with anxiety she won’t measure up in some way, the good daughter often over-functions at work or at school. Rather than bring a sense of satisfaction, she feels like an imposter only waiting to be found out. Click To Tweet This Is What It Costs The Adult Daughter Of A Narcissistic/Difficult Mother Click To Tweet Growing up - the good daughter learns that caretaking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. She has to learn to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem. Click To Tweet

 

 

8 Lies Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Tell Themselves About Men And What They Should Be Asking Themselves Instead

by Katherine Fabrizio

Here are eight lies daughters of narcissistic mothers tell themselves about men and the critical questions they should be asking themselves instead.

From my therapy couch, I see woman after woman convince herself to “settle” for less than she should. When she has an impaired mother she comes by this honestly. Especially if she is in the “good” daughter  role with her difficult mother she is used to putting another person’s needs ahead of her own.

 

1.“You know John is great. Except, of course, when he isn’t. The good times outnumber the bad.” – Are you always holding on to the good times and trying to forget the bad ones?

2.“There is a lot about him I do like, but he doesn’t always come through with his promises.”– Are you still hoping his behavior will somehow get better, that lapses are the exception rather than the rule?

3.“I think he has a lot on his mind these days.”– Do you always make excuses for him and give him a pass?

4.”I wish he would talk to someone.” Yep, there is always that one—he isn’t the one on my couch, paying my fee & examining himself, now is he?

5.“I’m just going to give it some time and see how things go.”-Time isn’t going to fix this one; it will only prolong your misery.

6.“I know no one is perfect.” True, no one is perfect but is he reliable, honest and trustworthy?

7.“I’m not sure whether to say anything or not. I don’t want to come across as demanding or chase him off.”– Are you selling yourself short, blaming yourself rather than moving on?

8.“I really don’t want to go back out there in the dating pool. You just don’t know how bad it is. I’m not going to find anything better.” – Is this ever a good reason for settling for less than you should?

Translation—In one form or another all these women are all saying the same thing:

“I don’t know what to do with my needs in a relationship.” Can I just tell you how often I hear the ways my clients sell themselves short? It makes me so sad. I wonder—how could we as women have failed each other so completely that daughter after daughter keeps throwing herself away and selling herself short? Men will never step up to the plate if we keep settling for less.

As a psychotherapist to women for the past 30 years, I have found adult daughters of Narcissistic Mothers internalize disempowering messages from their mothers. These messages sabotage their well-meaning attempts at finding happiness. Daughters of Narcissistic or Difficult Mothers carry the unconscious assumption that they must make up for their inherent unworthiness by overcompensating in their relationships.

If you have a Narcissistic Mother and take on the role of the “Good Daughter,” you learned that your needs don’t count—
So you either…

1) Work to manipulate a man, instead of setting the foundation for a good relationship by being genuine and letting things develop in their own time.

Or…

2) Settle for less than you deserve hoping he will come around.

You don’t speak up about the hurt you feel for fear of appearing too needy. And then you find yourself faithfully waiting & hoping. You just want to love and be loved. “Is that asking too much?”, you say. The Narcissistic Mother sends the message to her daughter that the way to be loved is to accommodate and adapt! Chances are, if you have been raised by a  Narcissistic Mother, her defenses have left you feeling unlovable at worst, or that love is conditional at best.

If so, you may feel ashamed that you have any needs at all. You have been unconsciously programmed to put yourself last. And the more you settle for less, the harder it is to see the inequities or to extricate yourself from an unbalanced relationship. What you can’t see is that “making it work” is both breaking your heart and chipping away at your self-worth, one compromise at a time.

Here is the truth, as I know it—

Just because Mom was insecure ( the core reason for the Narcissistic defense)  and acted as if she didn’t count, you don’t have to do the same. When you ask yourself the hard questions that will get to the truth of what is actually going on in your relationship, you protect and value yourself in ways mom couldn’t.

 

You can grow beyond your Narcissistic Mother’s imprinting. Paradoxically, when you stop settling and start valuing yourself, you will attract men who will do the same.

Before my head explodes- hear me out. There are some good men out there. When you give up the Good Daughter role with mom and yourself – you can embrace your inner feminine power. That power is whole, multidimensional and SEXY! It starts with you.

I’m going to tell you something you mother couldn’t. Your essential feminine essence is your truth and your power. Get in touch with her and leave the lies behind for good. You are so much more than good, daughter.

Find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role here.

This article first appeared in https://psychcentral.com/

Raise Awareness. Don’t Settle. Tweet it Out!

As a psychotherapist to women for the past 30 years, I have found Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers internalize disempowering messages from their mothers. Click To Tweet If you have a Narcissistic Mother and take on the role of the “Good Daughter,” you learned that your needs don’t count and you take this into your romantic relationships— Click To Tweet Paradoxically, when you stop settling and start valuing yourself, you will attract men who will value you. Click To Tweet

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

When Mom Won’t Let Go, Daughters Pay A Terrible Price

by Katherine Fabrizio

“Mom calls me multiple times a day. Sometimes I don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can.

It hurts her feelings and, well,  I can’t stop feeling guilty. She just can’t let me go so that I can live my own life.“

When Mom won’t let go…this causes understandable and predictable problems for her daughter, problems that can have far reaching effects and last a lifetime.

As a psychotherapist, I have heard the same issue more times than I can count.

See if you can relate-

Mom weighs-in, offers up “suggestions” and intrudes on your decisions. Mom questions your every move and gives you unsolicited advice. When you’ve had enough you snap at her and she comes back with, ” I was only trying to help”.

Or maybe you’ve been dying to say something.. but you are paralyzed with the fear she will take what you have to say you as a rejection of her- so you swallow your anger and say nothing while you feel your resentment grow and grow?

You always thought when you became an adult your mother would respect you as a peer.

In other words…

You thought when you became an adult Mom would let you go?

I understand. Most adult daughters think Mom will at least loosen up the controls when they become adults. Unfortunately, here you are waiting for your permission slip to become an adult. You hope against hope Mom will recognize that you are grown and let you make your own adult decisions. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

You see the problem didn’t just start here. In fact, these patterns have been there all along throughout your development– hidden in plain sight. You just didn’t see them,

not fully.

Mom’s overreach, her intrusions, have been baked into her brand of mothering from the start. Her style of mothering is so normalized that it has become like the air that you breathe.  Yet all the while, she held you back and appropriated you because of her own insecurities.  Driven by unconscious forces, she didn’t even fully know she was doing it…,

not really.

When this is your childhood reality, you don’t know any better.  All you do know is that you are deathly afraid of leaving Mom out or disappointing her. You are sure Mom will take it as a rejection and either crumble or pay you back… double.

You tell yourself, “let her have her say, it’s just easier that way.”

When Mom treats you as her therapist or best friend.

Her relationship problems, her complaints about your dad, nothing is off-limits and you seriously wish they were. But, it’s been like this forever.  She’s told you things that were too much for a kid to handle… and it never stopped. She still calls you when things go badly and talks and talks and talks…

She expects that you will take her side in every fight and there are plenty of them. Truth be told, you aren’t allowed a separate opinion. You feel like the only acceptable opinion is an echo of hers.

Talking with Mom is more like a monologue with you trapped as the audience.

Either way, this kind of “closeness” can feel suffocating.  You just want the freedom to live your life without Mom’s input or worrying she will be hurt if you make a move without her. Instead, you toggle between guilt and resentment– never knowing if you are ungrateful or unlucky.

I’m here to tell you; there’s a problem and it’s not you.

Why Mom can’t let go?

If she has a full-blown personality disorder she will cling to her daughter for dear (emotional) life-sucking out every bit of her daughter’s vitality. It is not unusual for both narcissistic personality disordered and borderline personality disordered mothers to use their daughters to make up for their own childhood deficits and look to their daughter to be an emotional partner. Depending on your mother’s wound, she will look to her daughter for similar but slightly different reasons.

  1. Narcissistic mothers need to be superior, relevant, and in control.
  2. Borderline Moms are unpredictable, clingy, and needy. They are obsessed with warding off fears of abandonment.

Your normal, healthy need to grow up and away triggers your mother’s childhood wound.

Either way, when Mom can’t let you go she is putting her needs ahead of your need to grow up, leave home, and make a healthy separation.

When she looks for you to take care of her- this is called parentification and it traps you into a role that is no good for you.

 

When Moms with an underlying personality disorder Narcissistic, Borderline, or Histrionic, turn to their daughters to meet their unmet emotional needs their daughters feel guilty for their natural strivings for independence.

If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped in an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of becoming her own person.

Needless to say, The cost can have far-reaching consequences.

How can this affect her daughter’s ability to connect with a life partner?

Let’s start with what a healthy mother/daughter dynamic looks like.

When a daughter leaves home and makes a healthy separation from mom and dad ideally she transfers her primary emotional connection from her parents to her partner. No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both.

Mothers need to let go and daughters need to grow up and leave.  Each has her own separate emotional task.

Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Letting her go is the greatest gift you will give your daughter and it will break your heart. I should know. While my own mother couldn’t let me go smoothly or easily, I was determined to do better by my girls.  Yet, letting them go was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Yet, as the psychologist, Pat Love states, adults, need to have their emotional needs met by other adults. – period.

If this doesn’t happen life can’t move on as it is supposed to. An adult daughter will not be free to fully invest in her relationship with an adult partner. In other words, in health, the daughter needs to choose her partner over her mother. This may sound harsh but this is the healthy trajectory.

 Both Mom and Daughter have their separate challenges. 

  • It is Mom’s job to, let go and accept her daughter’s leaving the familial nest.
  • It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a peer and leave behind her role as a child.

This is the way of healthy development. Each task has its own responsibilities. Leaving home and making a home of your own is the healthy trajectory, one paved with both loss and gratification. Letting go is the path towards growth. 

However, when mothers make their adult daughters feel responsible for their emotional well-being, things are upside down.

Only dysfunction and misery follow. Daughters resent having to care for mom emotionally. Underneath it all, they know something isn’t right. Asking your daughter to take care of you emotionally; to be the person they look to for closeness and connection as adults… places an unnecessary burden on your daughter.

This emotional burden traps daughters in the role of the good daughter and part of the good daughter syndrome.

Here is how this happens –

 

A postscript-

If you find yourself caught in the grip of this unhealthy dynamic, don’t despair. There is a way out. A way that is kind and fair and sane. It isn’t easy, but it is possible.  I’ve led daughters like you through the valley of struggle to the other side.

Find your first step (below) and take it. Your life is waiting for you.

1)If you see yourself in this good daughter role there are steps you can take.

2) If you need a script to tell mom to take a step back and stop giving unwanted advice here is one that is kind and respectful.

3) If you suspect mom might be Narcissistic, Borderline, or Histrionic, or has traits of these disorders here is a way to tell.

 

Raise Awareness TWEET IT OUT –

When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary emotional partner, this interferes with the daughter's emotional growth. Click To Tweet It is mom's job to, let go and accept her daughter's leaving. Click To Tweet Mom must let go in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship with her daughter later in life. Click To Tweet No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both. Click To Tweet When a mother looks to her daughter to be her primary emotional partner, this is called parentification. This holds daughters back from fully living their own adult lives. Click To Tweet Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Hard, but necessary. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

This is how we Rise!

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

Behind the Mask – Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

by Katherine Fabrizio

*Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Trapped in the Role of the Good Daughter *

Daughters of narcissistic mothers

You might miss her unless you know what to look for. 

Plastering on a beauty queen/ camera-ready smile that functions more like a mask than an expression of joy is the smile that insists, “I’m fine, perfect in fact. Why would you ask?”

Yet, there is no joy nor ease in that smile. It is more militant than confident. This smile is designed to keep you out rather than inviting you in.

This is what life is like for daughters of Narcissistic Mothers trapped in the role of the Good Daughter.

This daughter, trapped in the role of the “good” daughter of the Narcissistic Mother, must hide her true self behind a mask of faux perfection.

If she could speak from behind her mask and let you know how she feels, she might say something like this- “I’ll put up any facade rather than let you in on the dirty little secret that I am flawed and hurting.

 

 

I don’t trust myself to be anything but people-pleasing, yet I don’t trust people. I apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s safest that way.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers learn to be good instead of real. 

Ask her, and she will tell you, “In my house, we went by the motto, “if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. And it was true; Mom’s happiness is what mattered. If she wasn’t happy, it was my job to fix it.

I don’t dare complain. I am always O.K.

I’d better be.” Growing up with my Mother there was no room for me to feel anything but ok. That’s why, if I did complain, she told me, “You’re too sensitive.” So, I’ve learned to pretend that I’m ok even when I’m not.”

Why can’t she tell her mother how she feels? 

“I’ve tried to tell her what she does to hurt me, and it never does any good. It always ends up being my fault. I’ve learned it’s better to keep complaints to myself. Besides, any discussion about me always ends up about her. My real self is buried here underneath this mask. I might look alive, but honestly, I feel dead inside.”

The ‘good daughter’s” real self is buried alive underneath Mom’s neediness. 

“Everyone says I am a “good daughter.” They don’t know what it costs me. When I’m not good, my real self threatens to breakthrough. It is safer to be fake- no wonder I feel like an imposter.

The problem is, my true self is angry and out of control. I’m afraid I can’t trust myself. So, I cut, exercise, or starve myself to get her under control… to let off the pressure. I’m not always self-destructive. Sometimes it is enough to pull off good grades or get a job promotion. The trouble is when the good grades come in or the job promotion is handed down, I feel like a fake. I’m flooded with doubt. I think I don’t deserve it. I’m just waiting to be found out- an imposter in my own life.”

 Success feels like only a stay of execution. 

“I can never let my guard down completely. If my teachers or boss could see behind my act, they would see what a loser I really am. They would know I eat a carton of ice cream and then go for a 5-mile run to stop the critics inside my head.

Those friends who think I have it all together would see I measure whether it is a good or bad day or by the number that registers on my bathroom scale.

I don’t leave the house without my makeup. I need the mask. Everyone thinks I’m nice, but no one really knows the real me. I’m not sure they would like the real me if they knew me. So I hide behind this mask. Yet, it gets so lonely in here buried underneath this pretense of perfection.”

The reason she stays trapped- 

“I’m like a Disney character, smiling on the outside while sweating bullets and cursing under my breath inside the suffocating costume. The only difference is… I can’t take off the costume. What’s worse, it isn’t even my fantasy- it’s Mom’s fantasy, and I’m just a prop in her magic kingdom.

Sometimes, I get so mad at her and feel resentful. But, after I calm down, I feel waves of guilt. I can’t tell her what this is doing to me. It will only hurt her. That’s the real trap.

The thing is, I don’t think she can help the way she is. She had a rough childhood, much rougher than mine, even though she hardly ever talks about it. When I ask questions, the look that comes over her face is enough to make me stop. I don’t want to see her suffer anymore.”

But sometimes, I feel like it is her happiness or mine.”

Why the ‘good daughter’ never feels good enough-

 “Mom seems pleased when I do well. How can I take that away from her? That is, she is happy for the moment. She beams when I am making the grades, winning the trophy, or acting like a plastic doll.

Can’t she see it is a performance, not a life? As pleased as Mom can be at the moment, once I stop making her look good, the criticisms startup.

Trying to please her is exhausting and endless. I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough. So, I go on with the performance, mask firmly in place wondering if it will ever be my turn.

Can this ever change? 

After treating Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers for 30 years, the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good daughter,” can be the hardest to spot and the trickiest to treat.

Yet, a rupture in the facade or a crack in the mask can also be an opportunity for growth. What looks on the outside, like a tragedy, can be a much-needed cry for help and a path to the essential self.

A cry that can be answered -A therapist who knows what to look for and what to do can help bring the daughter of a Narcissistic Mother, trapped inside the role of the “good daughter” back to life.

Because living for your mother is no way to live.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome go here.

TWEET IT OUT –

After treating adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers for 30 years, the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good daughter” can be the hardest to spot and the trickiest to treat. Click To Tweet Living for someone else, even your mother, is no way to live. Click To Tweet Behind the Mask – Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Click To Tweet A therapist who knows what to look for and what to do can help bring the daughter of Narcissistic Mother, trapped inside the role of the “good daughter” back to life. Click To Tweet A rupture in the facade or a crack in the mask can also be an opportunity for growth. What looks on the outside, like a tragedy can be a much-needed cry for help and a path to the essential self. Click To Tweet Those friends who think I have it all together would see I measure whether or not it is a good or bad day or by the number that registers on my bathroom scale. Click To Tweet The ‘good daughter’s” real self is buried alive underneath Mom’s neediness. Click To Tweet
Angel-Wings-150