Just once you’d like to get off the phone or come away from a visit with Mom and feel good about yourself, is that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

Instead, you feel beaten down, dismissed, demoralized, and never good enough. What’s worse, dealing with her causes you to flip-flop between resentment and guilt.  Tired of arguing with her boundary-crossing, gaslighting version of motherhood, you’re exhausted from the drama. You aren’t sure if you are the problem or if there’s something wrong with her. If anyone else treated you this way, you could cut out of your life, but…she’s your MOTHER, so… how do you deal with a toxic Mom?

As a psychotherapist for over 30 years counseling daughters of difficult mothers, I know what works and what doesn’t. 

The thing is, it’s rarely what comes naturally.

Why?

Because Mom has systematically programmed you to her way of thinking, even if you aren’t fully aware of it, therefore, what pops in your head is usually some watered-down version of seeking her approval or asking for her permission. She has, by definition, interrupted or violated the natural way of things and set up patterns (etched into your subconscious) that cause you to self-sabotage.

To break free of the toxic dynamics that keep you stuck going round and round the same arguments and experiencing the same pain, you have to think outside of the box.

Here is a list that will take you beyond the standard “stand up for yourself and set healthy boundaries“: curated suggestions that will definitively move the needle forward, not just tell you what you already know.

Don’t be fooled; it can sometimes years of trial and error, therapy, and/or soul searching to get there, but I’ve cut out all the fat and given it to you straight. Here is your bottom-line, take no prisoners, ways you can effectively deal with a toxic mother, and not lose your mind.

How to deal with a toxic mother -10 Tips

1) Find out what’s behind your Mother’s toxic behavior.

Knowing what drives your mother’s behavior is an essential key element when planning how to deal with her. Is she deeply insecure, need to act superior and grandiose, fitting more of a Narcissistic profile?  Does he hide her Narcissisitism behind martyrdom or appropriate your successes and manipulation through passivity like an academy award-winning Covert Narcissist?  Are her extreme fears of abandonment behind her desperate need to cling to you, thus signifying a possible Borderline Personality Disorder?  Is she high in NPD traits or BPD, or does she have trauma around a single issue?

When you know where Mom’s unreasonable behavior is coming from, you also have a clear understanding of how it isn’t your fault, and no, you’re not too sensitive. Arm yourself with knowledge and build a solid basis from which to make changes that stick.

2) Realize change is only going to come from you-

Why would Mom change? As far as you can tell, that dynamic seems to be working for her.  OR it is also possible that she is incapable of acting differently. Remember, we are talking about a Mom with limitations. If you wait for her to realize the error of her ways, you could be waiting a lifetime. Even though it will feel like parting your hair on the wrong side, you will need to take the lead if you want things to change. It isn’t fair but it is the reality. Any change in the way you all interact will need to be introduced slowly, thoughtfully, and deliberately if a change is going to happen in this lifetime.

3) Mom only has as much power as you give her-

At the end of the day, the power dynamic changed when you became an adult. Except, no one bothered to tell you. Mom had the power when you were a kid; now you have the power. When you endlessly explain yourself or plead for her to understand where you are coming from, you give that power away.

And I get it. You are only trying to be respectful and kind. However, if she’s toxic, she doesn’t play fair. You are playing a relational game while she is using power moves. But, as Dr, Phil would say, “How’s that working for you? ” You don’t have to stoop to playing dirty, not if you know where you stand and stand tall.

4) Be ready for family pushback–

Families operate in systems and systems are very stubborn things. There is enormous pressure to maintain the status quo, even when it’s miserable and unfair. It isn’t unusual for Dad ( if he’s stuck in there this long) to be passive and enabling.  It’s great if your family is supportive when you put a new plan into place, but don’t expect it, and above all don’t let it derail you.

5) Surround yourself with allies.

You are going to need a support system in place when you make a change. When Mom pushes back, and your family tells you to get over yourself, you need friends and/or a partner to remind you that you are more than someone’s daughter and hold your hand when you are scared. Pick people who genuinely want the best for you and let them know you’re going to need them.

6) Release your unconscious blocks. 

You may be at “tear your hair out ” levels of frustration with your mother, but underneath it, all have unconscious blockages programmed from early childhood that threaten to sabotage your best intentions. Examples of that programming are ” Mother knows best” and ” I can’t upset my mother” I know these sound patently untrue, but they can be the reason why you can’t bring yourself to call her out or say the thing that might hurt her feelings. You can care for mom but not let her emotions control you. Repeat after me,” I am not responsible for my mother’s happiness. I am not responsible for my mother’s happiness. I am not responsible for my mother’s happiness.” Got it!

7) Make small changes. Expect pushback. Stand your ground.

Don’t expect one declaration to turn things around.  The best strategy to go about making changes is to start small. Pick an issue that matters to you but is not the hill you are willing to die on, communicate it succinctly, and expect she won’t like it. Whether you encounter a mere tremor of a tsunami of pushback, standing your ground will let her know you mean business.

8) Set boundaries you can control.

Telling a toxic mother to stop acting badly is about as effective as telling a leopard to change her spots. It does not work and sets you up for failure.  For example, instead of saying, “I don’t want you to criticize my parenting anymore,” say, ” if you criticize my parenting during our visit, I will need to leave.”   When you tell her what you will and will not do and then follow through, voila, you have created a base of control you can build on.

9) Be prepared to feel guilty even if you not

When you change patterns that have been in place your whole life you will feel guilty. This, I can guarantee. This feeling is primal, is gut-level, stemming from old, outdated unconscious programming. You are guilty of changing things up, but you are not guilty of being a bad person. Yet, your nervous system can’t tell the difference. When you set your life on the track of autonomy, you will feel a speed bump of guilt instead of a five-alarm fire. You can be kind without becoming a doormat. With preparation, you can tell yourself, “I ‘ve got this,” and mean it.

10) Find your adult voice and use it.

You are an adult now. You have more power than you know. As an adult, you get to call the shots about how much access Mom has to you. You can’t control her behavior, but you can decide how much to engage with her. When it’s all said and done, it really is that simple.

Here’s a secret. She knows it too. If,  (and that’s a big if), you don’t fall for insults, guilting, or bullying, you remain in the driver’s seat of the relationship. Whether you go low contact, no contact, or constant contact, the relationship now can run on your terms. Operating out of a full sense of self (no ish) is the only way forward.

The payoff-

Good news, follow just a few of any of these suggestions, and your life quality will change exponentially. Think for a moment and tally up the hours you’ve spent running over arguments in your mind. Now add the hours you’ve spent feeling resentful, plus the hours flying blind spent in unbalanced relationships because your relationship template was all messed up. Now imagine having those hours back, your peace of mind restored, and the confidence you will gain the knowledge that you can take care of yourself in the face of a bully, even when the bully is your mother.

Making any one of these changes will be harder than you imagine. But once you cross over into the land of fully adulting and dealing with your toxic mother effectively, you will gain peace, self-esteem, and sanity.

What are you waiting for? A better, saner life is waiting for you.

Here is my free guide *From Good Daughter to Empowered Woman*

What would you add to the list? Let me know in the comments.

It’s always about her.

How many times have you said that?

Every argument, every conversation, every time you try and tell her how she is hurting you, she manages to bring it back to herself.

You’ve wondered what exactly is wrong with your mother.  Your friends tell you that their mothers are their best friends. You wish you could say the same, but you can’t. You’ve heard about Narcissistic mothers and wonder what traits you should look for.

Let me help.

The Overt Narcissistic traits are easiest to spot, the Covert traits– not so much. After counseling women in psychotherapy for over 30 years, I know all the moves and can break them down for you.

Narcissistic Mother Traits-

1)  She needs to look perfect –

a) Overt NPD trait – These mothers may be dressed to the nines, botoxed to the max, and name-drop her latest posh vacation spot. It’s all about how it looks and how she looks to the world.

b) Covert NPD trait- This Mom transfers her need to look perfect to you. You are what we call in the field her narcissistic extension. While she will brush off a compliment about herself, ” oh, this old thing, I’ve had it for ages,” she needs you to be her show pony, perfect and polished. She glows when you are making her look good and has little tolerance for your struggles. She micromanages your every move will ride you relentlessly, pressuring you to achieve the kind of success that reflects well on her.

2) She can’t admit she is wrong.

a) Overt NPD trait – Braggadocious and obnoxious, this Mom argues your every point never backs down, and never admits fault.

b)  Covert NPD trait- the sneakier variety still can’t admit she is wrong but will do it in a roundabout way. She may say, “what do I know? I’m only your mother.” Then she holds onto your failures, waiting for just the right time to throw them back in your face when it serves her purposes.  If she does apologize, it isn’t genuine and is frequently followed by a “but you…”.The punchline is always, “Mother knows best.”

3) She has to be right-

a) Overt NPD Trait-  Mom will tell anyone who will listen what she thinks, and she thinks plenty. She will sound off and won’t back down, no matter the evidence to the contrary. Her need to be right stems from her need to feel superior.

b)  Covert NPD Trait-  Mom privately prevails on you to see things her way, although, with others, she keeps her feelings of superiority under wraps. With you, she can be relentless. And when you try your way and fail, instead of protecting your pride, no one can wield an ” I told you so” with more self-satisfaction than a Covertly Narcissistic Mother. When it comes down to it, she can’t offer you a genuine apology.

4)  She lacks empathy-

a) Overt  NPD trait- Mom can’t put herself in another person’s place. Frankly, she sees no need to do so. She’ll bully and dominate without a second thought to how her actions land.

b)  Covert NPD trait- Mom insists she is in your corner but tells you that you are just too sensitive if you show hurt feelings. She will blame you for the harm she causes and tells you her critical comments are “for your own good.”

5) She needs to win at any cost-

a) Overt NPD trait – Everything is a contest, and there are winners and losers. If Mom isn’t the winner, in her mind, she’s a loser. As a result, she will do anything to win.

b) Covert NPD trait- If she can’t take credit for it, she will be threatened by it.  The line in the Snow White fairy tale”mirror, mirror on the wall” is very real to her. While most Mothers take pride in their daughter’s beauty and accomplishments, the covertly Narcissistic mother is weirdly threatened by it. She needs to take her daughter down a notch and is the master of the backhanded compliment and doublespeak.  She will set things up, so she is indeed the fairest/most accomplished of them all.

6) She acts entitled-

a) Overt NPD trait – Somehow, the rules don’t apply to Mom. She breaks in line, expects special treatment for no reason, and thinks others should do her bidding just because. Depending on the level of Narcissism, this can range from bending the rules to out and out criminality.

B) Covert NPD trait – She is just as entitled yet gets her way through manipulation and has no trouble in lying and making up the facts as she goes along as long as they fit her purposes. Gaslighting and artfully dodging are her preferred ways to keep from being found out. She feels justified in her truth-bending and will portray herself as the victim instead of owning up to victimizing another.

7) She exploits others-

a) Overt NPD trait – She uses people and then discards and devalues them when they are no longer of use to her.

b) Covert NPD trait- She might look as if she is close and caring, but in reality, Mom is collecting chips she hopes to cash in when she needs them. This includes appropriating her daughter to supply her needs. And if her daughter tries to pull away, she will guilt and shame her calling her ungrateful.

How do all these Narcissistic Mother traits add up?

Now that you have been through a list of Narcissistic mother traits, you might be wondering if your mother is a full-blown Narcissist.  Some mothers might have a trait or two resulting from cultural conditioning or specific trauma. Still, if you find yourself nodding and recognizing the majority of these traits, chances are good you’ve uncovered a disorder that has affected you all of your life. (For a complete guide, go here.)

Why is it so hard to tell if your mother is a Narcissist?

We’ve all familiar with the jerk at the bar, certain politicians, the a-hole boss you can barely tolerate. We even know to watch our back around the mean girl/neighbor/coworker who would sleep with our partner given half a chance or throw you under the bus if it suits her purposes. With Narcissism so prevalent in our culture, we know the classic narcissist signs, and we know to stay away.

But when it comes to our very own Mother dearest, it gets a bit trickier.  A child needs her mother. She doesn’t have the luxury of moving out or finding another, so she follows a biological mandate to make it work, whatever it takes. Because she is used to putting Mom’s needs ahead of her own, she has normalized much of Mom’s behavior.  And it’s even trickier when the symptoms or traits are veiled, hidden, and inverted or covert.

If Mom is a Narcissist, why can’t anyone else (including my family) see it?

Because women and especially mothers, are hyper-aware of what the culture expects from them, they know how to put on a good front.  In fact, they are experts at it.

You will ( likely) find a supporting cast of characters behind the scenes, including an enabling passive father and (possibly) a golden child brother.  The Narcissistic mother’s outside friendships tend toward the superficial. No one outside the family is allowed a backstage pass.

If Dad is still around, he had most likely made his peace with it by doing her bidding instead of protecting you or standing up for himself. He is very invested in not rocking the boat and will encourage you to do the same. With a “you know how your mother is,” the expectation is that she will get her way no matter the cost. Her social relationships are a mile wide and an inch deep mostly designed for show.

Unless everyone has had enough and flown the coop, only her daughter will have intimate knowledge of her harmful ways.   This can be confusing at best, isolating and infuriating at worst. 

So what is Narcissism at its root?

 What is the core of Narcissism?

Narcissism, at its core, a problem of desperate insecurity. The traits or defenses we’re talking about here keep Mom unaware of the painful core reality she can’t face.  At her very center, she feels unbearable unworthiness, shame, and emptiness. Thus the reason for the show of specialness, grandiosity, and entitlement. It’s all a carefully constructed act.

How your Mother’s Narcissistic traits have affected you

If your mother is Narcissistic, she has parented you from a place of hurt, deception, and pain. As such, you have been fed a steady (emotional) diet of smoke and mirrors. Nothing is what it seems on the surface. When you are raised by a mother who is either high in these Narcissistic Mother Traits or has full-blown NPD, your self-esteem suffers; you doubt yourself constantly. You carry your insecurity into other relationships.

Thats’ the bad news.

The good news is that awareness is the first step to heal from a Narcissistic Mother.

When you finally can begin to make sense of what makes your mother tick, you can begin to piece together your childhood.  Realizing the whole thing was upside down and that Mom’s needs came before yours helps you understand how you feel today. 

Identifying the source of your pain and confusion is the foundation for dealing with it and ultimately rising above it.

It’s a new day. You are waking up!

Waking up so that you can find freedom from the oppressive chains of bondage to a dysfunctional relationship.

You’ve taken an important step towards getting free. Here’s a  guide to your next steps.

To find out if you are trapped in the role of the good daughter- take the quiz- 

What traits would you add? Let me know in the comments.