Summary- When You Confront A Narc/Borderline/Difficult Mother?
If you confront a mother high in Narcissistic Traits- there is a reason it will not go well. The psychological defenses or coping mechanisms she uses to keep herself from feeling what she believes (at the unconscious level are keeping her afloat) are so rigid that the defenses will come out fighting, or they will crumble and she will collapse in a torrent of tears thereby effectively shutting you down.
Either outcome will leave you feeling hopeless or guilty. Maybe you’ve already been there and poked the bear-. If this has been your experience, you can know that she is psychologically ill-equipped to give you the kind of response you so desperately need.
She just can’t do it.
Although frustrating, you can learn from your experience and take a different approach.
Here’s a more in-depth look at what happens-
Introduction:
Have you reached a breaking point with your mother’s constant bullying, insults, and invasive behavior?
If you’ve mustered up the courage to confront her or even organize an intervention, you may have armed yourself with evidence of her unreasonableness.
However, it’s important to understand that confronting a mother high in narcissistic or borderline traits rarely results in the outcome you desire.
In this blog post, we will explore what typically happens when you confront a mother with these traits and how you can use this experience to empower yourself.
What to Expect:
When confronting a mother high in narcissistic or borderline traits, be prepared for various reactions.
In many cases, she may respond by storming off in anger, breaking down in tears, or resorting to self-deprecating comments like, “I’m just a horrible mother.”
Unfortunately, these behaviors don’t indicate genuine remorse or a willingness to change.
The enduring nature of personality disorders makes it incredibly difficult for such individuals to embrace self-reflection and acknowledge their shortcomings.
The Persistence of Personality Disorders:
No matter how compelling your evidence or persuasive your arguments, a mother with narcissistic or borderline traits is unlikely to be capable of seeing your point or taking in your perspective.
The rigid nature of these personality disorders prevents her from confronting her own flaws and engaging in self-reflection.
Consequently, she will resist giving you the validation and understanding you yearn for. Even if she claims she will change, the deeply ingrained traits will inhibit any genuine transformation.
Finding Meaning in “Failed” Attempts:
While it may be disheartening to realize that your confrontation or intervention hasn’t yielded the desired outcome, there is valuable information to be gleaned from these experiences.
These “failures” serve as a clarity, bringing to light the inherent imbalance within your relationship with your mother.
Moreover, they highlight the psychological limitations which hinder her ability to meet your emotional needs.
Remember, this is not an indication of your worth or the effectiveness of your communication skills. It is merely a reflection of her inability to provide the support and understanding you deserve.
Moving Forward:
Rather than dwelling on the disappointment of unsuccessful confrontations and interventions, it’s time to reframe your perspective.
Embrace these experiences as valuable data that can inform your future actions and decisions. Understand that your mother’s incapacity to change does not make her inherently evil.
Instead, it underscores the grave impact of relational trauma.
With this newfound awareness, you must shift your focus toward making constructive changes for yourself.
Rather than attempting to change your mother, you can channel your energy into transforming how you approach and navigate your relationship with her. Equally crucial is prioritizing your well-being and self-care.
By embracing these strategies, you can reclaim your power and create a more fulfilling life.
Conclusion: When You Confront A Narc/Borderline/Difficult Mother
Confronting a mother with narcissistic or borderline traits is daunting and emotionally challenging. Recognizing the limitations imposed by these personality disorders is essential to managing your expectations.
You can use this experience as a catalyst for personal growth. And focus on creating a healthier and more empowering relationship with y most importantly, yourself.
Hello, I have just finished your wonderful book. In it I found confirmation of some important insights I have had, as well as some helpful new tools. If you do a new edition of this book, I would suggest adding info for those whose mothers have passed away. But I can extrapolate most of what you have written for my situation.
Thank you so much for your good work!
Shelley Mitchell
Hi Shelley,
Thank you for writing and I’m glad you found the book helpful.
I certainly will take your advice into consideration if I write another edition. After all, it is the mother who lives in our head, living or not, that continues to influence us. And while you can;t change the past, you can change the meaning it has. My mother is gone as well and I frequently revisit her influence on me and I ponder what influences she was operating under as well- as we are all born under different circumstances.
If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, it would appreciate it if you would consider leaving me a rating on Amazon.
Books on Amazon live or die with reviews. And potential readers DO read them. Nothing speaks more loudly than a reader who was helped by reading the book in their own words. If you might consider this, here’s the link. https://a.co/d/dpHUy9H.
My best for your continued liberation and thank you for your input.
Take care,
Katherine
My mother has turned my sibling against me. After having a baby she got worse. Although I realize that as narcissistic moms become more malignant with age, I thought things would change after I became a mother. I stupidly thought this would soften her. I already don’t have a relationship with my father. After years of abuse, I have to see them for who they are and heal. That unfortunately looks like no contact and estrangement from my side. I will never understand her favorite game of starting drama by pinning us all against each other. She finally succeeded and I now do not have a relationship with my youngest sibling. I’m betrayed, hurt, and angry. As a mother myself I can not fathom why she has to do all the things she has done. From punishing me by having me institutionalized multiple times, to making false claims that I am psychotic, even a witch hunt done by her church in a campaign against me.
I’m a very reserved lonely woman because I only trust my husband. I’m not comfortable making friends, because she will contact them, and I’ve lost friends this way. Private detectives have followed me and I have been harassed in the past. She pretends well, strong martyr complex, and I am just the bitch in her grande production. I just want to live my life and heal from 30 years of pain, manipulation, and psychological torture. I was sexually abused by one of her husbands and I just want to heal. She truly is a horrible mother. But there is hope. She has taught me everything what not to be as I raise my own child.
Hi Anonymous,
This sounds so very painful. And just as you need kindness and mothering- to support you as a mother- you are the victim of betrayal.
I hear your resolve to turn this around and use your experience as a template of what not to do with your own daughter. I hope you will find peace and healing along side of connecting with people you can trust. Mothers need support.
Best of luck,
Katherine
I have not spoken to my mother in a few years. She has been taken into custody several times and placed on Psyche wards several times. She is verbally, mentally and physically abusive towards family members. She has been diagnosed with a personality disorder which appears to be NPD.
I had to cut all ties with her because she denies the physical abuse even when it has been witnessed by others. It’s as though she will boast to some people about what she did and to me specifically she will deny even though there exists a paper trail on her with both the police and the hospital. In fact every time there exists a paper trail she moves to another state.
I cannot even begin to tell you how horrible of a person she is! The strangest part is that she has no boundaries. If she can’t get to me she will try to use my spouse or kids to send vile messages to, then she will say to them (as they refuse to respond to her crazy) in a message that “it’s too bad you are being involved in this” or some other tactic to spark a response.
She has also caused scenes at my place of employment with her rage and violence. I am a quiet person that keeps to themselves and prefer zero attention and zero drama in my life. Unfortunately she craves anger, drama and conflict at all times. Also she is a closet alcoholic and abuses her medications.
Dear LFW,
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you have been through hell and back. I certainly wish you some well-deserved peace in your life.
Take care,
Katherine
This is the norm from my mother. I do not know how to reply to her; I am at a loss. Anything I say gets twisted. I am dammed if I do and damned if I don’t.
I just received this text this morning. I have purposely pulled back to try and take care of my own mental health.
” please be kind and just tell me you don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore, if that’s how you feel and want it to be.”
Last week it was this. “Are you available and willing to talk with me??”
Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated.
Hi M.B.
I totally hear you. There is probably a reason you feel at a loss. You said it yourself, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you are like many – the problem is that you want closure or at least to retreat from the exchange and she wants to keep it going.
Although it can feel socially awkward to not respond, sometimes that is the only way to stop the back and forths is to stop looking for the response that satisfies her. That is probably not possible.
Some folks I have worked with have used the phrase, ” Mom I don’t have anything constructive to say at this point, If that changes I will be in touch. For now, I will not be answering your messages.”
And then the hard part is standing by your words-not letting her bait you.
Good luck and yes you have the right to disengage from communication you feel is not constructive. Notice this approach doesn’t involve name calling, insults or threats…. just the facts and your intention.
Katherine