Daughters Rising

Dear Teenaged Daughter -The Story of How I Let You Go And What I Learned 

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

 

 

 

The heartbreak and gift of letting your daughter go

Dear Teenaged Daughter,

(written 10 years ago) 

You have that far away look in your eyes now. Home isn’t the center of your universe.

I knew it would be this way. I just didn’t know how much it would hurt.

That open face in the photo I have of you as a toddler, so eager and trusting of me- where did she go? Where did you go?

Yet, I reflect… my own mother struggled with letting me go, and I swore I’d do better. I just didn’t know it would hurt so much.

Now, made-up eyes and a knockout figure, you look down your pretty nose and smirk at the rest of us as though we were clueless trolls. I mispronounce the name of your favorite clothing store and you shudder visibly in disgust.

Even your compliments have a patronizing air.

Yesterday, the universe threw me a small crumb.

Watching TV in my bed, you were exhausted, and, uncharacteristically, fell asleep in my arms. It reminded me of when you were a baby and I’d let my arm go numb rather than move it and disturb your sleep. I thought to myself, if this is the last time I hold you, I dare not move.

I know I can’t make it “all better” anymore- but maybe you could just rest awhile in mommy’s arms.

Without words, lectures, questions, opinions between us, I hear your strong heartbeat; your breathing slow, your warm body loses its resistance and melts into mine. Yes, just like when you were little before you could talk.

Before we let the words-opinions-lectures get in the way. Before you found me out to be the imperfect being that I am.

Once upon a time, I was the mommy who made it all better, not the mommy who gets it all wrong.

Your need conjured my milk, my love, my comfort…

You awakened my inner movie star. I had, at long last, been discovered. I sang you show tunes and we danced. You squealed with delight. When you were hungry, I nursed you. When you were tired or cranky, I rocked you to sleep. You took naps in my arms and full-time residence in my heart.

You accepted me in ways I couldn’t accept myself. Now you reject me in ways I don’t understand.

So, little girl, rest your pretty head on my shoulder. Take a break from your hurry to grow up, your hurry to leave. I think I’ll take a break from trying to improve, cajole, and advise you.

Remember the perfection we had without even trying- before you found out you would have to leave. Before I started worrying if you have everything you need.

This may not be the last time I hold you close, but I know there will be a last time.

The train is coming for you and you are packing your bags. You have a one-way ticket.

Each time you leave the house you never return completely. Home is becoming more of a layover, instead of the destination, it is for the rest of us.

I know you need to make a home inside of yourself, and your dreams the destination. This, I know, is the only way.

Still, it hurts.

So let me hold you and we can remember a time when I had everything you needed, our perfection restored. We can both pretend we don’t hear that whistle calling you, and my heart isn’t on that track.

 (10 years later)-

More than a decade has passed and we are sharing a glass of wine in the home you now make with your husband, almost 3-year old daughter, and infant son.

We made it to the other side. Because you were brave enough to leave and I found the strength to let you go.

What looked only like a loss to me then… looks different to me now.

With a tender heart, I watch your 3-year old daughter load up her stroller with baby dolls and announce she is going to “work”.

Although I say nothing, I hear that haunting train whistle in the distance-the whistle that will call your precious daughter into her own life. I know what’s coming….who will leave, and whose heart will be on that track.

When the time comes, I hope to once again hold your hand and wipe your tears. 

I have faith you will find the strength to set her free. Finding that strength inside of yourself, you will give her the gift you never wanted to give and it will break your heart.

Yet, you will see mothers who can’t let go; cripple their daughters, and steal their daughter’s chance of claiming a life they could call their own.  

You will know the price those daughters pay is much too high.

So, without martyrdom, but with strength, you will do what needs to be done. And, you will be better for it. Fashioned from the pieces of your broken heart, you will acquire an expanded heart-one of compassion, wisdom, and grace.

• The compassion of a mother who knows her daughter’s dreams for herself is more important than the dreams she has for her daughter.

• The wisdom of a mother who sees the need her daughter has to do it her way, not as a rejection of her but a declaration of herself.

• The grace of a mother who knows a heart chained is a heart that is never truly hers, but the one she sets free can be hers forever.

Then and only then will you know this: Of the many gifts you will give your daughter, after loving her, the gift of letting her go is the hardest gift and the greatest gift you have to give her.

Do you suffer from the Good daughter syndrome? Take the quiz here, it’s free.

 

 

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Are At Risk For Postpartum Depression- Here’s Why

by Katherine Fabrizio

Postpartum Depression-

 When you become a mother.

For, you, the daughter of the Narcissistic or Difficult mother, new motherhood can be terrifying. Just when everyone expects you to be blissing out, you can feel like a failure and nobody wants to talk about why.

You look at your beautiful baby only to have tears stream down your face. You are swamped with not feeling good enough and overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. It might be merely hormonal, but then again it might be something more.

This may help you make sense of your feelings. It wasn’t your fault. Here’s why.

If you are a daughter of a  Narcissistic or difficult mother,  you have so little in your tank, so little to draw on, a babies needs can feel draining and endless.

Pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, infancy, are all fraught with the dangerous feelings of “not good enough.”

Does your babies newborn cry feel torturous?

You might feel that your baby is screaming to all the world that you are worthlessness and that she sees it.

Or, equally tortuous,  you can feel that your baby is a monster sucking the life out of you. Her needs, feel like too much.

What’s more, you are filled with shame for having those feelings. You know how crazy this all sounds, it is hard to talk about with anyone.  

It doesn’t help that everyone around you is expecting you to be joyful,  but you can’t stop crying and feeling hopeless.

With the physical trauma of childbirth and the hormonal upheaval, it can all come crashing down on you in the form of postpartum depression.

When the baby-blues hang on for weeks, even months without lifting you and your baby will suffer.

This can be so hard.

This isn’t trivial whining about mom. This is real emotional pain.

I have hope for you.

But first, you must understand something.

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The feelings that are coming up for you are not your fault.

If you could understand what is happening and be gentle with yourself.

These uncomfortable feelings are from the basement of your unconscious. You don’t choose to feel this way. In fact, every cell in your being is saying.. Stop. Stop. Stop.

It has nothing to do with how much you love your baby or whether you are good enough.

Did you hear me?

Let me repeat-

These feelings have nothing to do with how much you love your baby or how much you will love your baby.

You are (unconsciously) responding to what your baby symbolizes.

Perhaps your own mother suffered herself. You looked into her eyes and for one reason or another, all you got was, lights out, distraction or flat affect.

No delight. No joy. Just an emptiness.

You don’t choose to have these negative nightmare feelings- they are just there.

Even if you love your baby beyond belief, you might still have these feelings. That is so hard to understand yourself, much less describe to anyone else.

Yet,  I get you.  This is completely understandable. 

If you are the daughter of the narcissistic or difficult mother, you put your mother’s happiness ahead of your own without even knowing it.

You had to.

When baby arrives on the scene, even a much wished for baby; it hits you on a primal level -your time will never come.

It hits you in the gut – you never got to live for yourself. And now it is too late. 

This, of course, is not true- but emotionally it hits you as true.

But life goes on and …

You and your baby have found your way to each other.  But you still remember that awful emptiness when everything seemed too much.

You can never forget that feeling.

Did anyone help you with this? Did you suffer in silence and shame? Was your postpartum depression passed off as simply a medical problem, not a psychological one with real understandable roots?

You did your best then.  The more you know about the cycle and make healing a priority now, the better.

That is why this mother /daughter work is so very important. Revolutionary, even.

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The silence and shame have to stop. The psychological curtain of postpartum depression must be pulled back; the unconscious made conscious.

You are not alone, and you are not crazy.

We need communities of healing, affordable, accessible healing modalities, and understanding. Above all, we need to understand each other.

We all inherit different templates depending on our own mother’s mental health.

This is not in our control, therefore it isn’t our fault.

This isn’t mother against daughter. This work is about lifting up all women. Elevating and supporting all daughters in their time of need so that no one goes it alone.

We are in this together.

If you are going through this right now, reach out to your health professional.

If you remember feeling lost and are now on the other side but still suffer from feelings of guilt, show yourself some kindness and compassion.

I know where you are coming from.

You can heal one story at a time.

This is how we rise.

Audio-

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

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If you are a daughter of a Narcissistic or Difficult mother, you have so little in your tank, so little to draw on, a babies needs can feel draining and endless. Click To Tweet These uncomfortable feelings are from the basement of your unconscious. You don't choose to feel this way. It has nothing to do with how much you love your baby or whether you are good enough. Click To Tweet This isn't mother against daughter. This work is about lifting up all women. Elevating and supporting all daughters in their time of need so that no one goes it alone. Click To Tweet

 

 

Here Are 3 Ways The Pain of Your Childhood Can Make You A Better Mother

by Katherine Fabrizio

” I don’t want to mess up my daughter the way my mom messed me up.”

 

Yep, EVERY mother on my psychotherapy couch ( especially the “good” daughter) who has a difficult mother and is now raising a daughter has the worry she will make the same mistakes her mother made and leave her daughter feeling anxious and insecure.

If you are one of those mothers I have good news for you- read on. You can turn straw into gold if you know what to do. It is truly the unexamined dysfunctional childhood that is likely to be repeated.

The old saying, “What we don’t pass back we pass on” holds true. But you might not know, the opposite holds true as well. When you process the pain of your childhood you become a wiser and more compassionate mother.  

When you remember and reflect on how you felt as a child, your awareness can make you more sensitive. Whether through therapy or soul-searching talks with someone close, you’ve taken the time to reflect on and process the pain of your dysfunctional childhood. This kind of reflection yields ninja parenting chops.

That doesn’t mean your home doesn’t look like a madhouse at times. When kids aren’t afraid or neglected all of their feelings are out in the open. This is a good thing. And, because you know what it is like to hurt as a child-

You can see beneath the surface.

You see that…

  1. The quiet, obedient child is not always a happy child. When a child feels despair or shame, she tends to constrict, become quiet, and draw into herself. You know that a child may be overly compliant out of fear, not confidence.
  2. Bad behavior is not always what it seems. The acting out child may be misbehaving because she cannot contain an upsetting feeling, and is working to discharge it or push it away. The out of control behavior is sometimes a cry for help. A cry for an adult to help her get control of her impulses or process overwhelming feelings.
  3. It is not necessarily a good thing when your child tries to take care of you. Although it touches your heart when your child shows concern for you-you know no child should feel responsible for her parent’s happiness.

Because of your own painful childhood, you know when you see these outward signs to look more deeply, remain curious, and approach your child with compassion.  Perhaps your greatest gift can be summed up in a word- empathy. Because every child struggles with powerful emotions, even those in functional homes with good mothers. Your empathy makes you a better mother.

At the opposite end of narcissistic and other rigid defenses, that are at the hallmark of dysfunction lies empathetic attunement. You know maintaining an empathetic connection with your child ( no matter her behavior in the moment) paves the way back to good relationship with you. And relationships that are alive, flexible, and loving, keep families functional.

Connection, not perfection, is the key to good mental health and a happy childhood. Even as you discipline your children, you are empathetic to their need for structure, as well as his/her need for an adult to stay in control when doling out the consequences. You can measure how your momentary withdrawal of approval lands with your child. You are careful to invite her back into your good graces as soon as possible rather than shaming and banishing her.

And, when all goes well- you kick back, a smile of delight spreading across your face, and feel that little catch in your throat as it registers deep within you how grateful you are your child feels loved, protected and cared for.

You know, really know, that the safe loved feeling your child feels… is anything but guaranteed. You work hard to make sure she will never know the pain you’ve felt.

*Bonus-

Not only can you use your childhood pain to inform your parenting today, but when you give to your child the love and compassion you never got from your own parents you can start to heal that place within yourself.

If you were the daughter, who took emotional care of mom chances are you are suffering from the “Good daughter” syndrome. To find out-go here.

When you process the pain of your childhood you become a wiser and more compassionate mother. Click To Tweet Connection, not perfection, is the key to good mental health and a happy childhood. Click To Tweet Not only can you use your childhood pain to inform your parenting today, but when you give to your child the love and compassion you never got from your own parents you can start to heal that place within yourself. Click To Tweet

Dear Mom- Here’s Why I Am Avoiding Your Calls & What I Wish I Could Tell You

by Katherine Fabrizio

Dear Mom,

You call me and I don’t pick up. Do you wonder why I am avoiding your calls?

 Is it that I don’t love you?  Or, am I a thoughtless, ungrateful, heartless child? ( I seriously doubt it- I’m the “good” daughter after all) Or, is there something else going on?

Here is my truth as I see it. I am sorry I am hurting your feelings but I think you are insensitive to mine. Here is what I would tell you if I had the nerve and I had faith you would really listen.

 

 

 

 

 

  • 1 -You expect a report It is as if you are the FBI and have authority to ask anything you want. There is no topic you won’t breach. You act as if my time and privacy are yours for the taking. If you have questions, you expect me to provide you the answers, no matter how personal.

How this makes me feel? Invaded and intruded upon. When you expect me to report to you it feels as if I am offering up my life for your inspection.  That my life is yours to fret over, manage, and fix.

            There is always an air of judgment underlying your questions.

What you can do instead? Don’t automatically expect me to share everything with you. Approach me knowing that I have a choice about whether or not to share.  Know that there are some things I’d like to keep private,  if for only a while. When you respect my privacy, I will be more willing to share.

  • 2- You overreact –If I’m worried, I don’t need you to pile on or freak out. Your anxiety doesn’t help me, it just makes me feel more unsure. Paradoxically, when you worry I feel the need to reassure you, which only adds to my burden.

How it makes me feel? Defensive. Like I am not seeing the seriousness of the situation. That it is so much worse than I ever thought and I might make it worse if I didn’t have you to rescue me.

What to do instead? Listen and convey to me that I have what it takes to figure things out. Be my calm, steady safe place.

  • 3- You tell me what to do- Before I can flesh out my thoughts, you jump in with your suggestions and take over.

How it makes me feel? Stupid. Like I don’t have what it takes to make it on my own. Like I’m not good enough. That you think I don’t have what it takes to handle the situation.

What you can do instead? Say, “I might have some ideas, would you like me to weigh in or would you like me to listen now?”

The pressure and guilt that divide us

I get it. Our culture tells you if you love me… you should fix all of my problems – even into adulthood. I take issue with that line of thinking. That misguided thinking only leads to your overreach and my feelings of resentment. Then, I feel like my only option is to avoid you to avoid takeover, criticism and burdening you. As a result, I walk around with this underlying sense of guilt, and you feel rejected.

When we do talk and you tell me how much you need my engagement with you, you put me in an impossible position. I feel an overwhelming sense of obligation. This is bad for our relationship because when I feel guilty, I will work to offload my guilt by fulfilling my obligation. And when I am operating on guilt and obligation – there will be resentment in the mix. This is not the way to sustain a loving relationship. I imagine what you really want is my affection, not my obligation or guilt.

Paradoxically, the power you have for the connection you want is right under your nose. You need to know the power you have. Because you have been a witness to my strengths and my vulnerabilities no one is in a better position to lift me up or put me down. I want to encourage you to use that power wisely. How you use it will determine how eager am to pick up the phone when you call.

Here’s how you might use this power-

  • 1) Ask me if I am free to talk. Respect my time and privacy.
  • 2) Be a calming presence in my life who reminds me of the times when I struggled and came through with a win.
  • 3) Let me come up with my own solutions even if I struggle and fail. Let me own my failures so I can own my successes.
  • 4) Learn that, after loving me, letting go is the greatest gift you can give me.

I need and want your loving solid presence in my life. If you could put forth the effort I would gladly meet you halfway.

Postscript *

For daughters of mothers who are Narcissistic, Borderline Histrionic or Addicted, this trap of intrusion, criticism, and boundary-crossing is especially problematic. If she is in the role of the Good daughter, this dynamic can be hell on earth.

Find out if you are experiencing the Good Daughter Syndrome here.

 

Raise Awareness.  Rewrite Mother/Daughter Relating. TWEET IT OUT 

Mom -the power you have for the connection you want is right under your nose. Rather than tell me what to do, your solid loving witness is what I need. Click To Tweet Mom, let me come up with my own solutions even if I struggle and fail. Let me own my failures so I can own my successes. Click To Tweet Mom for a better connection, be a calming presence in my life who reminds me of the times when I struggled and came through with a win. Click To Tweet Mom, because you have been a witness to my strengths and my vulnerabilities no one is in a better position to lift me up or put me down. Click To Tweet Mom, I imagine what you really want is my affection, not my obligation or guilt. Click To Tweet Our culture tells you if you love me... you should fix all of my problems - even into adulthood. WRONG! That only leads to your overreach and my feelings of resentment. Click To Tweet Mom, If I'm worried, I don't need you to pile on or freak out. Your anxiety doesn't help me, it just makes me feel more unsure. Paradoxically, when you worry I feel the need to reassure you, which only adds to my burden. Click To Tweet Mom, I need you to love me not fix me. Click To Tweet Mom, when you respect my privacy I will be more willing to share. Click To Tweet Mom, please don't jump in with your fixes. It makes me feel like you don't trust my judgment. Click To Tweet Mom, when I don't take your suggestions, I'm not rejecting you, I'm developing me! Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Promises to Our Daughters- Sexual Assault Prevention Starts With Messages Mothers Give To Their Daughters

by Katherine Fabrizio

Messages mothers give to their daughters about their bodies reverberate throughout their daughters’ lives and have major consequences for their safety now and later. By that, I mean mothers signal to their daughters what is expected of them through everyday interactions.

Mothers are the initial guardians of their daughter’s bodies first in utero and then later in life. So the messages mothers give daughters are foundational. They start with what mothers say to their daughters and mom’s attitude conveyed through nonverbal cues.

Many daughters in the role of Good daughter are specially programmed to put others comfort before herself. When they have daughters they may struggle with what to say to their own daughters.

It may come down to mom’s willingness to be socially uncomfortable. Women are heavily socialized to smooth things over rather than rock the boat- an unconscious attitude we don’t even fully know we carry.

 

 

 

Here are some questions we need to ask ourselves. 

  1. -Do daughters owe others a hug to show their gratitude- even when they don’t feel like it?
  2. -Should daughters smile to make another person happy and override their own feelings?
  3. -Should a daughter “get over” feeling uncomfortable with a certain relative or family friend?

 

*Daughters encode these messages early on and are either strengthened by them or left vulnerable. (Be easy on yourself -through this discovery process. Most of us have no idea we are carrying potentially dangerous attitudes at the unconscious level.)

 

Many daughters in the role of  Good daughter are specially programmed to put others comfort before themselves.

Tweet It Out

Many daughters in the role of Good daughter are specially programmed to put others comfort before herself. Click To Tweet Messages mothers give to their daughters about their bodies reverberate throughout their daughters' lives and have major consequences for their safety now and later. Click To Tweet The bottom line many times is mom's willingness to be socially uncomfortable instead of expecting her daughter to make her comfortable. Click To Tweet Mothers are the initial guardians of their daughter's bodies first in utero and then later in life. What they signal to their daughters matters! Click To Tweet

 

Let’s turn this around and make the following promises to our daughters. Who’s with me?

 

What messages did your mother give you?

Let me know in the comments.

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

#MeToo & Mom -When Mom Doesn’t Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused

by Katherine Fabrizio

When #MeToo & Mom comes home.

What happens when a mother does not protect her daughter from sexual abuse?

What about when she doesn’t believe her daughter when she tells her she has been sexually abused?

Her daughter feels a deep level of betrayal she may not even fully get over. This is a horrible phenomenon and a shadow side of mothering failure. The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted is horrible enough, but when your mother doesn’t believe you or protect you, you suffer a secondary trauma.

 

 

Here are some of my thoughts stemming from over 30 years of counseling women in psychotherapy in the transcript of a recent video.

Good morning, it’s Katherine Fabrizio with help for the adult daughter of the narcissistic or otherwise difficult mother trapped in the role of the good daughter. So many women remain silent and never reveal that they were sexually abused or assaulted in the first place.

You know, this morning I was thinking about, with all the sexual assault and sexual abuse allegations in the news, what I see so much in my practice is the primary trauma of the original sexual assault or sexual abuse is horrific and terrible enough and many women keep these incidents secret and carry them to their grave because they feel guilty.

Why do so many women remain silent? They blame themselves if they were in, in a position… say they were in a place where they feel like they shouldn’t have been or they were dressed in a way that they feel like they shouldn’t have been or they were drinking or on and on and on and on- they put the blame on themselves. So many women in this good daughter role are trained to please other people and be good, which many times involves not being sexual.

Lack of reporting sexual assault/abuse cuts right to the heart of the conflict women feel about their sexuality. So many women feel ashamed about their sexuality at its core and mom doesn’t help. Mixed messages mothers give to daughters abound. Mom is conflicted and therefore she passes these messages down to her daughter. “Look good but not too good.”

What happens when women speak up and mom doesn’t protect them? Many women don’t speak up, but if they do and when they do  … tell their mothers or  the other women in their life and they’re not believed or they might be believed, but the mom says, and I’m going to quote from a comment I got from an article I wrote this week, ” I’ve got two kids to raise and, you know, I’m sorry your stepfather’s doing that to you, but there’s really nothing I can do. This is killing me. You’re making me choose between you.”

“Oh, my God.” From that particular client who sent in the comment this week, she, in particular, has lived with this her whole adult life and stayed close to a mother who never stood up for her and protected her.

Now I think it’s very complicated because women haven’t had the economic power that men have had. Some may, quote-unquote need to stay in that relationship. I think it’s very complicated, but what I want to speak to is what it does to the daughters who dare to speak up. I see this so many times… that they dare to speak up and are not believed or are not protected by their moms.

What message does it send when mothers don’t believe or don’t protect their own daughters? It damages daughters forever. They don’t and can’t trust ever again in quite the same way. I mean, what are they supposed to do with that? It sets them up for a lifetime of incredible internal conflict.

How are they supposed to go forward? How are they supposed to look at men and, and decide, you know, what you do for a man and what you don’t do for man?  When do you sell your soul?

What kind of Faustian bargain have you entered into? Many times it’s a mother who they’re taking care of or they’re looking to for identity and role modeling. When this person becomes mute or overlooks it or it’s, it’s just incredibly life damaging and has to stop!

What can women do instead? Yes, people should be allowed due process and all that, but when your daughter speaks up or your best friend speaks up, or women that you work with speaks up, you can take her seriously. You can become curious. You can ask caring, inquisitive questions that don’t imply a “what did you do? You know, what was your part in it”. Don’t imply that because a person was drinking or wore a certain outfit or, went on a date that gives the man permission to force himself on her. Or if it’s at work, and somebody’s in a higher position, they can say anything they want to somebody in a lower position.

What Sexual assault and abuse is, and is not about;

1. It’s about power. It’s not about sexuality.

2. It’s not about being good.

3. It’s not about being pretty.

4. It’s not about being feminine.

What to do instead – Believe your daughter. Ask her thoughtful questions & empathize.Don’t make your daughter feel like she’s alone or to blame, whatever you do.

 

As mothers and daughters let’s nip this in the bud. At least put a stop to the mother/daughter component of it. Time’s up. The time is now for mothers to stand up to, believe, and protect their daughters.

Find out if you are suffering from the “good daughter” syndrome here.

Here are tweets for you to speak your truth.

The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted is horrible enough, but when your mother doesn't believe you or protect you, you suffer a secondary trauma. Click To Tweet So many women remain silent and never reveal that they were sexually abused or assaulted in the first place. This only compounds the shame that they feel. Click To Tweet Lack of reporting sexual assault/abuse cuts right to the heart of the conflict women feel about their sexuality. Click To Tweet Click To Tweet What message does it send when mothers don't believe or protect their daughters when they speak up about sexual abuse or assault? Click To Tweet

 

Find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

This article was originally published by https://psychcentral.com/

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

 

8 Lies Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Tell Themselves About Men And What They Should Be Asking Themselves Instead

by Katherine Fabrizio

Here are eight lies daughters of narcissistic mothers tell themselves about men and the critical questions they should be asking themselves instead.

From my therapy couch, I see woman after woman convince herself to “settle” for less than she should. When she has an impaired mother she comes by this honestly. Especially if she is in the “good” daughter  role with her difficult mother she is used to putting another person’s needs ahead of her own.

 

1.“You know John is great. Except, of course, when he isn’t. The good times outnumber the bad.” – Are you always holding on to the good times and trying to forget the bad ones?

2.“There is a lot about him I do like, but he doesn’t always come through with his promises.”– Are you still hoping his behavior will somehow get better, that lapses are the exception rather than the rule?

3.“I think he has a lot on his mind these days.”– Do you always make excuses for him and give him a pass?

4.”I wish he would talk to someone.” Yep, there is always that one—he isn’t the one on my couch, paying my fee & examining himself, now is he?

5.“I’m just going to give it some time and see how things go.”-Time isn’t going to fix this one; it will only prolong your misery.

6.“I know no one is perfect.” True, no one is perfect but is he reliable, honest and trustworthy?

7.“I’m not sure whether to say anything or not. I don’t want to come across as demanding or chase him off.”– Are you selling yourself short, blaming yourself rather than moving on?

8.“I really don’t want to go back out there in the dating pool. You just don’t know how bad it is. I’m not going to find anything better.” – Is this ever a good reason for settling for less than you should?

Translation—In one form or another all these women are all saying the same thing:

“I don’t know what to do with my needs in a relationship.” Can I just tell you how often I hear the ways my clients sell themselves short? It makes me so sad. I wonder—how could we as women have failed each other so completely that daughter after daughter keeps throwing herself away and selling herself short? Men will never step up to the plate if we keep settling for less.

As a psychotherapist to women for the past 30 years, I have found adult daughters of Narcissistic Mothers internalize disempowering messages from their mothers. These messages sabotage their well-meaning attempts at finding happiness. Daughters of Narcissistic or Difficult Mothers carry the unconscious assumption that they must make up for their inherent unworthiness by overcompensating in their relationships.

If you have a Narcissistic Mother and take on the role of the “Good Daughter,” you learned that your needs don’t count—
So you either…

1) Work to manipulate a man, instead of setting the foundation for a good relationship by being genuine and letting things develop in their own time.

Or…

2) Settle for less than you deserve hoping he will come around.

You don’t speak up about the hurt you feel for fear of appearing too needy. And then you find yourself faithfully waiting & hoping. You just want to love and be loved. “Is that asking too much?”, you say. The Narcissistic Mother sends the message to her daughter that the way to be loved is to accommodate and adapt! Chances are, if you have been raised by a  Narcissistic Mother, her defenses have left you feeling unlovable at worst, or that love is conditional at best.

If so, you may feel ashamed that you have any needs at all. You have been unconsciously programmed to put yourself last. And the more you settle for less, the harder it is to see the inequities or to extricate yourself from an unbalanced relationship. What you can’t see is that “making it work” is both breaking your heart and chipping away at your self-worth, one compromise at a time.

Here is the truth, as I know it—

Just because Mom was insecure ( the core reason for the Narcissistic defense)  and acted as if she didn’t count, you don’t have to do the same. When you ask yourself the hard questions that will get to the truth of what is actually going on in your relationship, you protect and value yourself in ways mom couldn’t.

 

You can grow beyond your Narcissistic Mother’s imprinting. Paradoxically, when you stop settling and start valuing yourself, you will attract men who will do the same.

Before my head explodes- hear me out. There are some good men out there. When you give up the Good Daughter role with mom and yourself – you can embrace your inner feminine power. That power is whole, multidimensional and SEXY! It starts with you.

I’m going to tell you something you mother couldn’t. Your essential feminine essence is your truth and your power. Get in touch with her and leave the lies behind for good. You are so much more than good, daughter.

Find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role here.

This article first appeared in https://psychcentral.com/

Raise Awareness. Don’t Settle. Tweet it Out!

As a psychotherapist to women for the past 30 years, I have found Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers internalize disempowering messages from their mothers. Click To Tweet If you have a Narcissistic Mother and take on the role of the “Good Daughter,” you learned that your needs don’t count and you take this into your romantic relationships— Click To Tweet Paradoxically, when you stop settling and start valuing yourself, you will attract men who will value you. Click To Tweet

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

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How to Give Your Daughter The Self-Esteem Your Mother Never Gave You

by Katherine Fabrizio

Do you want to give your daughter the self-esteem you never got from your own mother? Counseling women in psychotherapy for over 30 years, I hear this one wish mothers have above all others… ” I just want my daughter to feel good about herself.” What if I told you there are 3 ways you can profoundly enhance your daughter’s self-esteem? And what if I told you these tips won’t take more time or cost you more money? Would you listen to me? Good -stay with me… I have help for you. First, let’s consider where you are coming from.

What happened in your childhood that damaged your self-esteem? Was mom Narcissistic, Borderline or have traits of these disorders? Perhaps she was depressed, alcoholic or simply beaten down by life? Did the way she raised you leave you feeling you were “not good enough”? If so, by her treatment or example, your self-esteem suffered. If you took on the role of the Good Daughter you learned to be good for mom at your expense. Now that you have your own daughter, you want more than anything to give her the self-esteem your mother never gave you.

How do you give to your daughter what you didn’t get? There is so much pressure on mothers today. You worry you will mess her up by 1) what you do  2) what you don’t do. You are exhausted by trying so hard and yet, once again, you end up feeling like it’s not enough, feeling that you’re not enough. It wasn’t good enough for your mother, and now you wonder if you are a good enough mom for your daughter. You feel like you can’t win. In over 30 years of counseling women in psychotherapy, I’ve learned mothers are exhausting themselves and mistakenly doing exactly the wrong thing to help their daughter’s self-esteem. I know a better way.

Here are 3 ways to increase your daughter’s self-esteem-

How to Give Your Daughter The Self-Esteem Your Mother Never Gave You 

Transcript -( If you’d rather read)

Many mothers today are afraid, afraid for their daughters.  Mothers want to give their daughters self-esteem. They had a lack of it from their own mothers. If you can relate, I bet you’re running your self-ragged trying to do the right thing, trying to be a good mom. The problem is, so much of what you expect yourself to do is backfiring on you, and I know why.

Why me? I’ve spent the past 30 years counseling mothers and daughters in psychotherapy.

I’ve learned a lot, seeing what can go wrong. Perhaps more importantly though, I’ve raised two girls to adulthood and lived to tell. I know what it feels like, to wanna strangle your daughter one minute and be willing to take a bullet for her the next. Here’s the advice I give to my clients and the advice I wished I could give to my younger self.

Number one, when you see your daughter struggling, don’t steal the lesson. When you swoop in and rescue and fix it too often you prevent your daughter from learning from her mistakes. It’s learning from mistakes and bouncing back that she learns resilience. And it’s knowing her successes are hers and hers alone, that she gains confidence.

Number two, your example is more powerful than your lecture. You tell your daughter, she is as good as anybody, then you put yourself last, you don’t set healthy boundaries. Your daughter is watching and taking notes. You then wonder why she can’t stand up to that mean girl, or why she can’t say “no” to that bad boy?

Number three, own your “no”. Learn how to say “no” and mean it. Say “no” to your daughter, say “no” to your own mother. Say “no” to those messages that are telling you, “You’re not a good enough mom. Unless you buy your daughter one more thing. Unless you provide her with one more opportunity. Unless you orchestrate one more over the top celebration.” Those same messages are telling her she isn’t good enough without straight teeth, hair and A’s.

As a psychotherapist, I’m telling you mothers and daughters are cracking under this pressure. The pressure to do it all and be it all. Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction. And those are just the moms. Because, the truth is, as much as you like, you can’t live your daughter’s life for her. Trying is exhausting. You prevent her from truly growing up, and keeps you both locked in unending power struggles. How do you turn this around?

Know your worth, as a woman and as a mother. When you know your worth you can cheer from up in the stands, rather than run down onto the field. When you know your worth, you can prove your value. Instead of lecturing your daughter endlessly on hers. When you know your worth, you can say “no” with confidence, so you can show up for your “yes”.

In the next seven days:

  1. I’d like for you to resist over-helping.
  2. Do something for yourself, don’t apologize or explain.
  3. Say “no” to someone you love, kindly, but firmly. This will probably be hard. No, scratch that, this will be hard. But if you can parent from the place of self-esteem yourself, I think you’ll see the power struggles melt away.

This is the way, the only way that you can give your daughter that self-esteem that both you and I know she is going to need.

To find out if you are experiencing the Good Daughter Syndrome go here.

 

 

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

Click To Tweet Considering the #MeToo movement, increasing awareness of sexual abuse, and assault these days raising a daughter with a healthy self-esteem has never been more important. Click To Tweet Now that you have your own daughter, I'll bet you want more than anything to give her the self-esteem your mother never gave you. Click To Tweet There is so much pressure on mothers today. You worry you will mess her up by 1) what you do 2) what you don't do. Sometimes it feels like you can't win. Click To Tweet When you swoop in and rescue and fix it too often you prevent your daughter from learning from her mistakes. It's learning from mistakes and bouncing back that she learns resilience. Click To Tweet When you know your worth as a woman and a mother you can cheer from up in the stands, rather than run down onto the field. Click To Tweet When you know your worth as a woman and a mother, you can prove your value Instead of lecturing your daughter endlessly on hers. Click To Tweet When you see your daughter struggling, don't steal the lesson. When you swoop in too often and too soon you tell her by your actions she isn't good enough. Click To Tweet It's learning from mistakes and bouncing back that your daughter learns resilience. And it's knowing her successes are hers and hers alone, that she gains confidence. Click To Tweet Because, the truth is, as much as you like, you can't live your daughter's life for her. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How To Give Her Love You Didn’t Get

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

Growing up, did you feel lost and alone… dreaming of a mother who never showed up? You needed love and acceptance as a daughter- instead what you got was criticism & conditional acceptance.  This left you anxious and insecure. You learned to be “good” for mom instead of real for yourself. Still, no matter how good you were,  it was never good enough for mom. To this day mom stays needy. Needy of your attention no matter what you have on your plate. Now that you are the mother…you want your daughter to feel loved and cared for- not the way you felt growing up. You want to give the love to your daughter you didn’t get from your mother.

 

Let me lay it out for you. Even though you keep waiting for mom to show up and give you the love and acceptance you need-her insecurity keeps her wrapped up in herself. That’s the truth of it. Mom remains needy and demanding just when you have your precious daughter who needs your undivided attention.You keep wishing mom would change, support you, or if nothing else cut you some slack so you could attend to your daughter. Ain’t gonna happen. Here is a grown-up truth-

You can’t wait around any longer for your own mother to become the mother you need. Some mothers are damaged. They just don’t have it to give. This isn’t fair. It isn’t fair, but sometimes it is real. Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic, Addicted… mothers come in all shapes and psychological sizes. Many are wounded and pass down unspeakable harm. Others are deeply conflicted and undermine you with messages of support mixed in with put-downs that undermine your confidence. Whatever the reason for her deficient as a mother, the common denominator is this; mom’s needs trumped yours.

Mom just didn’t have it to give.

In summary –

  • 1)You didn’t get what you needed.

  • 2)It wasn’t your fault.

  • 3) It isn’t likely to change.

You need to feel this one in your bones in order to be fully present for her. Your own daughter’s wants, needs, and vulnerabilities are tugging on your sleeve & you want to be a better mother than the one you had. The irony is not lost on me. You feel the pressure of doing right by her when you still need so much from your own mother. I know. I know. This is a tough one. Here again, this is not fair but it is real. Clinging to the hope mom will change will get you nowhere but chronically disappointed and angry.

It is understandable that you sink into victimhood but staying there is toxic. It isn’t good for you or your daughter. This matters. This is important. But, how can you give what you didn’t get?

Are you doomed or will you find another way? I am here to offer you another way. You are dealing with a difficult mother, recovering your own self-esteem from the wounds she inflicted and parenting your own daughter, you can still be at the forefront of a mothering revolution. You can still give to your daughter the love that you never got from your own mother.

And how in the world is that supposed to work? I know it sounds counterintuitive but stay with me here. Not in spite of the hurt you feel, but because of that hurt…. you can motivate yourself to break the cycle of hurt. Not in anger or bitterness, but in health and gratitude for a fresh start. Your disillusionment can be an initiation to a new way of parenting.

As the daughter, in the role of the “good” daughter,  you bear the marks of mother’s pain. Yet you don’t have to mark her. You can support her in developing a real authentic self, not a people-pleasing  “good” daughter false self. By facing the pain of your childhood you don’t look to your daughter to heal those wounds- to be “good” for you rather than be real for herself.

This is how you break the cycle. By first facing the truth of your reality you clear the way for writing your own chapter with your daughter. The old paradigms are falling away. By facing the truth of your experience and making active changes in your own life instead of waiting for the love you never got – you can turn your hurt into power.

Connecting and witnessing your daughter instead of constantly trying to fix her, you empower her and restore yourself.

Let’s get started – See below for some very practical (free) advice.  Let me know how it goes. I think you will be pleased.

To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role – go here.

Raise Awareness. Break the Cycle. Tweet It Out.

To this day mom stays needy. Needy of your attention no matter what you have on your plate. Click To Tweet Even though you keep waiting for mom to show up and give you the love and acceptance you need-her insecurity keeps her wrapped up in herself. Click To Tweet Whatever the reason for her deficient as a mother, the common denominator is this; mom's needs trumped yours. Click To Tweet Mom didn't give you what you needed and it wasn't your fault. Got it? 1)You didn't get what you needed. 2)It wasn't your fault. 3) It isn't likely to change. Click To Tweet You are dealing with a difficult mother, recovering your own self-esteem from the wounds she inflicted and parenting your own daughter, you can still be at the forefront of a mothering revolution. Click To Tweet Connecting and witnessing your daughter instead of constantly trying to fix her, you empower her and restore yourself. Click To Tweet Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is how we rise.

Audio-

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL CLOSER TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND RAISE HER SELF ESTEEM – 3 HOW TO STEPS

Do You Want To Feel Closer To Your Daughter And Raise Her Self-Esteem?
3 Easy “How-To” Steps...
That Work Like Magic!

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DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

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This Is Why -If You’re Not Liberated From Your Difficult Mother, You’re Not Liberated

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

This is SOOOOOO not your mother’s feminism-While we have made great strides in removing the external barriers to liberation, the internal barriers to liberation remain largely untouched. Let me propose a radical notion to you. At the center of your liberation as a woman is your relationship with mom. Here’s how –

You learned first from her how love felt and who you were as a woman.  Identity and attachment learned through her treatment of you and her example. What she experienced is, in some way, handed down to you in your relationship with her. Much of this sticks with you at the unconscious level. Ask yourself these questions- Was mom truly content? Did she feel good about herself, and her choices? What did she have to do to take her place at the table? Did she have to claw and scratch, doing twice as much as her male counterparts, to make it in the professional realm? Did she live with double standards and pass her bitterness, along with her potato salad recipe, down to you?

 

Many a mom had to fight for her place in a man’s world by running her masculine energy. In doing so, she lost touch with the most powerful thing about her, her feminine essence.  The culture told her that she had arrived. She could work all day, come home in the evening to make supper and oversee homework. To have it all, she had to do it all. Even if she didn’t work outside the home, birthday parties, holiday celebrations, providing religious and educational opportunities all lay at mom’s feet. Double standards of almost every kind nipped at mom’s heels.

Baked into this pressure cooker existence, was the expectation that mom be everything to everyone. For some mothers, severe psychological problems found their foothold resulting in personality disorders, addiction, anxiety, and depression. The mothers who were the most fragile buckled under the pressure. If you were raised by such a mother, this left you incredibly vulnerable.  Trying to make sure mom was okay has taken a toll on you. At a time when being a woman and a mother was difficult at best, being the daughter of a wounded mother left you with emotional wounds and unconscious conflicts.

We all have a pretty straightforward image of the raging or neglectful father. But the mother who knocks herself out on the front end then takes out a pound of flesh in cutting comments or micromanaging hyper control on the backend, is more insidious and harder to decipher.

Yet, you feel the strings attached to everything she says or does for you. Good for mom wasn’t necessarily good for you. your empathy hasn’t always served you well.  To differing degrees, you bear the collateral damage of a culture that didn’t quite know what to do with the first generation of liberated daughters. They had come some of the way but definitely not all the way. As the daughters of this first generation of liberation, the legacy you inherited has been difficult to understand.

Getting your power back isn’t about bubble baths, or bitchfests, or simply blaming mom. This is about getting real, going deep, and staring down the mixed messages mothers have handed down to daughters.

  • Messages that say you aren’t enough unless you run yourself ragged trying to please everyone.
  • Messages that keep you ashamed of your body and your sexuality.
  • Messages that tell you that you are responsible for your children’s success.

Messages that mom shouldn’t have had to accept in the first place. 

Taking Feminine back is about elevating the old and rising up with the new paradigm.

  • Where Strong is less about acting like a man and more about accessing your feminine power.
  • Where Kind isn’t pleasing everyone.
  • Where Compassionate isn’t constantly apologizing and endlessly explaining yourself.
  • Where Nurturing isn’t being at everyone’s beck-and-call.

The New Face of the Feminine is rooted in deeply-considered action that is based on clarity. The clarity that comes from being thoughtful and compassionate. Liberating your feminine nature rather than overriding it with masculine energy. This is what has been woefully missing in the liberation debate. Interpersonal liberation is what happens one mother/daughter relationship at a time. Heal the relationship with your mother and by default, you convey power and liberation to your daughter.

It is arguably, it is THE most important feminist act in making a real change in consciousness. If you don’t become aware of the unconscious lies that say you aren’t good enough as a woman and a daughter, you can’t rise above them. Psychologist know, what you don’t pass back, you are destined to pass on. First to yourself, then to your sisters and finally to your daughters.  This cycle of passing down the destructive mixed messages, undercutting self-esteem, disempowering double-speak has had her day.

This is where the daughter, trapped in the role of the “Good Daughter”, breaks free and gets real.

Find out of you are trapped in the Good Daughter role – go here.

 

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out!

Many a mom had to fight for her place in a man’s world by running her masculine energy. Click To Tweet The culture told mom she had arrived. She could work all day, come home in the evening to make supper and oversee homework. To have it all, she had to do it all. Click To Tweet At the center of your liberation as a woman is your relationship with your mother. Click To Tweet This cycle of passing down the destructive mixed messages, undercutting self-esteem, disempowering double-speak has had her day. Click To Tweet

Heal the relationship with your mother and by default, you convey power and liberation to your daughter Click To Tweet.

To differing degrees, you bear the collateral damage of a culture that didn't quite know what to do with the first generation of liberated daughters. They had come some of the way but definitely not all the way. Click To Tweet The mother who knocks herself out on the front end then takes out a pound of flesh in cutting comments or micromanaging hyper control on the backend, is more insidious and harder to decipher. Click To Tweet You learned first from her how love felt and who you were as a female. Identity and attachment learned through her treatment of you and her example. Click To Tweet For some mothers, severe psychological problems found their foothold resulting in personality disorders, addiction, anxiety, and depression. The mothers who were the most fragile buckled under the pressure. Click To Tweet Compassionate isn't constantly apologizing and endlessly explaining yourself. Click To Tweet Taking Feminine back is about elevating the old and rising up with the new paradigm. Click To Tweet While we have made great strides in removing the external barriers to liberation, the internal barriers to liberation remain largely untouched. Click To Tweet Did mom, living in a patriarchal culture live with double standards and pass her bitterness, along with her potato salad recipe, down to you? Click To Tweet The New Face of the Feminine is rooted in deeply-considered action that is based on clarity. The clarity that comes from being thoughtful and compassionate. Liberating your feminine nature rather than overriding it with masculine… Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you ready to become truly liberated from the inside out?

 

This is how we rise.

Audio-

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

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