It’s a terrible choice to have to make.
Feeling like you have to choose between Mom and your partner can be gut-wrenching.
Your childhood self is programmed to obey and respond to mom. You feel guilty if you don’t choose mom.
On the other hand, you know you need to choose your partner to establish trust and closeness. When mom puts you in this untenable position & doesn’t let go, this makes it hard for you to connect with and invest in your partner.
Here is how this breaks down-
Here is how this breaks down-When a daughter leaves home and makes a healthy separation from mom and dad ideally she transfers her primary emotional connection from her parents to her partner. This is healthy and necessary. Mom’s task is to let go and her daughter’s task is to grow up and leave.
Each has her own separate emotional task.
Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and her mother. If this doesn’t happen the adult daughter will not be free to invest fully in her relationship with her adult partner.
This transfer is vital to the health of the newly developed partnership.
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It is a mom’s job to let go and accept her daughter’s leaving. She needs to connect with and get her emotional needs met by her peers.
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It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a peer and leave behind her role as a child.
This is the way of healthy development.
Each task has its own challenges and responsibilities. Leaving home and making a home of your own is the healthy trajectory, one paved with both loss and gratification.
Letting go is the path toward growth.
However, when mothers make their adult daughters feel responsible for their emotional well being, things are topsy-turvy.
Only dysfunction and misery follow. Daughters resent having to care for mom emotionally. Underneath it all, they feel something isn’t right. This emotional burden prevents them from making the healthy separation they need to make for themselves. This is especially true for the daughter trapped in the role of the good daughter and part of the good daughter syndrome.
Here is how this happens –
*A postscript-
It is one thing for a mother and daughter to re-establish closeness after a period of healthy separation.
If the period of healthy separation never happens then a genuine adult closeness can never take root.
However, if a mother clings to her daughter and doesn’t let go- her daughter can’t help but feel growing resentment that ends in a mother/daughter tension that is never-ending.
Can mothers and daughters ever be close in a healthy way?
Yes, but first, mom must release her daughter into her own life in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship.
If your mom can’t let you go and you see yourself in the “good” daughter role there are steps you can take.
If you need a script to tell mom to take a step back and stop giving unwanted advice here is one that is kind and respectful. If you suspect mom might be Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic, or has traits of these disorders here is a way to tell.
To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role -go here.
What is your experience? Let me know in the comments.
Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.
When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary partner, this interferes with their daughter's emotional growth. Click To Tweet It is mom's job to let go and accept her daughter's leaving. Click To Tweet It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a partner or peers and leave behind her role as a child. Click To Tweet It is one thing for a mother and daughter to re-establish closeness after a period of healthy separation. If the period of healthy separation never happens then a genuine adult closeness can never take root. Click To Tweet Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and her mother. Click To Tweet
I am divorced for three years. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. We are completely committed to each other and our kids get along so well. The issue is that my mother lives with me and I want him to move in with me. She is not feeling him and says that he thinks he runs the home. She doesn’t have to worry about paying anything. She works part time and makes a car payment only. Everything else I take care of. Once my boyfriend moves in the responsibility will be shared it will release a lot of the burden. We love each other but my mother doesn’t want to have nothing to do with him. I’ve tried to talk to her but she will not budge. What should I do?
Hi Marlene,
Although I can’t know everything about your particular situation I can tell you what I’ve told (and asked) clients who have been in similar situations.
First I would need to know why your mother doesn’t live independently. Is this because of necessity or choice, your choice or hers? If I am to assume it is your choice and you have willingly taken her in, in my opinion, you have the authority to call the shots about who lives in your household. Having said that combining households that involve children is a huge step-one not to be taken lightly. I would advise you to focus less on convincing Mom and more on thinking this through for yourself.
Ask yourself if you have gotten clear on the division of labor, finances, childcare, etc with the boyfriend? What can you expect from him and what do you expect of yourself? I know those discussions can throw cold water on the “in love” feelings but are necessary in order to set expectations to empower you- not to convince Mom.
Here is an all too common trap that a lot of daughters of difficult mothers fall into-their mother has called the shots for so long, they put all of their efforts into convincing Mom instead of taking the time to make decisions that are best for you.
Once you know where you stand and are ready to take complete responsibility for the success or failure of the new union, you set the expectation that you all as a team will be calling the shots. Mom can come along or not, her choice.
That’s a big leap and one you need to have plenty of confidence in order to make.
A middle road might be to keep dating and look together for a new place- one that would be a fresh start for you both and you bear equal responsibility for maintaining. Then you could invite Mom to join you all as a couple with the clear expectation that you all are the heads of the household and a unified front extending your hospitality to her. I imagine this might feel like a ton of work. It is. But, it is also an opportunity to set on the path to leading a grown-up life, one that Mom doesn’t control. Best of luck to you.
Katherine
Hello I need help my boyfriend has cheated on me several times I have done so to him as well but I confessed down to all details and stopped completely while he swept his affairs under the rug and consistently denies everything. His mistress took his phone mid conversation with me and insulted me when he got the phone back he denied everything the proof is in the proof. My mom knows about it all and she will NEVER have anything to do with him and demanding I leave now or she leaves me. I still am addicted to him and tried leaving several times to no avail. He seems to have changed but still lies about the affairs and brings her up to taint me. I need to cut him off cold for my elderly mother and myself. What is your advice?
Hi Martine,
It sounds like a very upsetting existence- one in which you can find no peace if you go on this way.
From what I understand, you feel like you have to stay with a cheating boyfriend and cheat yourself (to feed your addiction) or cut him off because your mother threatens to leave you if you don’t.
While I agree would agree with your mother that he is a bad apple threatening to leave you sounds more like a romantic triangle than a loving mother concerned about her daughter’s well-being.
Since you’ve said she is elderly I am guessing you are a grown woman.
I am going to answer based on some assumptions which may or may not apply to your situation so take what applies to you and leave the rest.
It seems likely that the relationship template you have been operating on is flawed. And my guess is that you learned this in childhood. It has left you going from the frying pan into the fire and telling yourself this is how a good relationship works. It isn’t.
Threats, lying and cheating are more about manipulation and power struggles than love. I have seen daughters of difficult mothers assume that they don’t deserve to be treated well. The truth is, you deserve so much better but you have to be trustworthy to set a new standard for yourself.
If I could wave a magic wand and change things for you these are my wishes.
1) You establish your independence first before you get into a relationship so your mother doesn’t factor into your decisions about who to be in a relationship with so her threats “to leave you” have no weight.
2) You go slow and only let trustworthy men into your life.
3) You don’t cheat, knowing this degrades you and reinforces the notion that cheating is a necessary part of relationships.
It’s never too late to break cycles of addiction, find your willpower and learn to rely on yourself. You can let your pain lead you to a better way of life and love.
Best of luck,
Katherine
Thank you for this article. I just really hope that my mom will realize this. Just to give you a context. My parents were separated since I was 1 year old. To provide for us, my mom worked as a domestic helper abroad leaving me and my brother under my grandma’s care. She is working abroad since I was 10 years old.
I graduated when I was 20 years old. Right after graduation I was hired at an NGO. So I moved out of our house and become independent financially since then. I provide for myself and helped them with their finances as well.
Here’s my dilemma. I am now 23 years old and my fiance’ proposed to me last January 2021. It was supposed to be one of the happiest moments of my life. But nope, they rained on my parade! They are angry that my fiance’ didnt informed them the specifics of the proposal.
And until now, I am having a hard time talking with my mom since we are in a different wavelength. I feel so suffocated. We want to have our wedding last year, but she disapproved and became angry. and she makes me feel guilty that I am making adult decisions even if she disapproves. My fiance’ and I moved in together right after the proposal. We are now in a relationship for almost three years.
Because of my mom always playing the “guilt card” on me, I am thinking of moving out of our house (my fiance’ and I have our own house right now). Since they are insisting the cohabitating degrades you as a woman. (they always tell me that I am somehow less than a dignified woman because I moved in with him). So yep, I am thinking to move out, be alone, and I also dont want to hear anything from her anymore because I am so tired of my mother having these endless issues. and endless arguments with her.
Hi Jem,
Here is what I’m hearing- you are 23 years old, financially independent, (even helping out your family with finances), a homeowner, and have established a relationship that is almost 3 years running. Can we stop right there and celebrate your successful passage into adulthood!
Okay good… deep breath and deep bows. These are massive milestones and you have plenty of reason to be proud of yourself in my book.
In my way of thinking freedom is earned by assuming responsibility. You seem to have more than earned your right to make your own decisions about how you want to live and love.
Now for your Mom. It must have been incredibly difficult to make the decisions she made to make ends meet and to have to leave you in someone else’s care. And to have her marriage not work out when you were so young must have been a huge disappointment especially given her conventional( I’m guessing) ideas about men and women. There are certainly more questions I would have at this point such as…
-Did she regret not being the one to raise you and now wants to make up for lost time?
– Is she trying to protect you from being taken advantage of by a man- even though you are in a different kind of relationship than she was?
– Is she ashamed of her past and is projecting her shame onto you?
Obviously, I can’t know the answers to these questions but it seems likely she is projecting some unfinished (possibly) traumatic business of hers onto you.
So, if that is the case what should you do?
First, you refer to endless arguments.
I would ask you –
Are you trying to convince her (of your ways of doing things) as a way of asking for her permission?
Are you hoping if she sees that you are willing to sacrifice your happiness she will finally be satisfied and stop guilt-tripping you?
If your answer is yes to any of the above I would ask you-
Can you stand firm in your decisions and lead the way to a better more empowered way of living realizing you will never be able to “convince her” but you can lead by example?
Can you realize it is the little girl in you that is yearning for her mother’s approval even though the adult woman in you needs to get on with her life?
I’m betting you have it within you to take this next step into adulthood not buy into the shaming messages (that are from another place and time) that are no longer relevant in your life. Will you let guilt control you or will you say, ” Mom we feel differently about this”, let’s move on?
And yes, with resolve, it can be a simple as that. Not easy, but simple.
Best of luck,
Katherine
Hi, Thank you for this article. I am 24 years old living with my mom and my younger brother. My parents have been separated for a while now and we don’t receive any financial support from my dad. Close to 90% of what i earn goes towards the living expenses.
I have been in a relationship for over a year and a half now and I was honest to my mom about it from the beginning. In the span of 2 years, she has made me choose her over him twice and wants me to be the good obedient daughter despite all the verbal abuse and trauma I have received that had even resulted in me getting severe haemorrhoids and bleeding as i was told to eat food from outside and i was only permitted to live there. I was going back and forth with his boyfriend only because of this.
He wants me to get out of such a toxic situation and put me happiness over hers. I can’t leave home because they literally don’t have anyone to support them. My boyfriend has taken a stance saying he can’t be with me unless i learn to stand up for myself and decide the choices that will define my life. He feels like he’s been a dummy in the relationship for so long catering to everything i expected out of this relationship in terms of spending time together and feels like he had no say in anything. He says he can’t be with someone he could lose at anytime and he wants to put his mental state first.
I want him. He’s completely right in saying that i need to fight for my happiness. He says I need to put myself first even if he was not in the picture.
But how can I make this choice with this co-dependent relationship I have with my mother? I need to choose myself. I have realised that but how do i tell her that when she’s erratic and has self-harmed before?
Oh Becky – this sounds really hard. It’s hard to put your happiness first after so many years of abuse and the fear that your mother will harm herself if you don’t follow her orders.
But, as hard as this is to hear, if you are anything like many of my clients, you need to establish your independence before you are ready for a relationship. Many clients I’ve seen go from boyfriend to mom and back again – bypassing the necessary step of establishing yourself as an independent person first. If you don’t put yourself( not him or your mother) first you will stay forever torn between two people and subservient to their wishes.
If you are like many of my clients- there are more choices than you might originally see.
Take care and best of luck,
Katherine
Hello I am in a situation where I have to choose either my parents or my boyfriend what should I do? We have known each other for 6 years and always been wanting to get married but my parents would never accept, so now I have to choose one of them please help me.
Dear Dia,
Boy, that’s a tough one. Given I know very little about your situation, I probably have more questions for you than answers. I wonder what has transpired over the 6 years? Have you been in an ongoing relationship, or is this someone you have had as an acquaintance and recently formed a romantic attachment? And why marriage, now? What are the reasons your parents would never accept your boyfriend? I could be more helpful if I knew these things.
Thanks,
Katherine