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Feeling Like You Have to Choose Between Your Mom And Your Partner?

July 11, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

It’s a terrible choice to have to make.

Feeling like you have to choose between  Mom and your partner can be gut-wrenching.

Your childhood self is programmed to obey and respond to mom. You feel guilty if you don’t choose mom.
On the other hand, you know you need to choose your partner to establish trust and closeness. When mom puts you in this untenable position &  doesn’t let go, this makes it hard for you to connect with and invest in your partner.

Here is how this breaks down-

When a daughter leaves home and makes a healthy separation from mom and dad ideally she transfers her primary emotional connection from her parents to her partner. This is healthy and necessary. Mom’s task is to let go and her daughter’s task is to grow up and leave.

Each has her own separate emotional task.

Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and her mother. If this doesn’t happen the adult daughter will not be free to invest fully in her relationship with her adult partner.

This transfer is vital to the health of the newly developed partnership.

  • It is a mom’s job to let go and accept her daughter’s leaving. She needs to connect with and get her emotional needs met by her peers.

  • It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a peer and leave behind her role as a child.

This is the way of healthy development.

Each task has its own challenges and responsibilities. Leaving home and making a home of your own is the healthy trajectory, one paved with both loss and gratification.

Letting go is the path toward growth.

However, when mothers make their adult daughters feel responsible for their emotional well being, things are topsy-turvy.

Only dysfunction and misery follow. Daughters resent having to care for mom emotionally. Underneath it all, they feel something isn’t right. This emotional burden prevents them from making the healthy separation they need to make for themselves. This is especially true for the daughter trapped in the role of the good daughter and part of the good daughter syndrome.

Here is how this happens –

*A postscript-

It is one thing for a mother and daughter to re-establish closeness after a period of healthy separation.

If the period of healthy separation never happens then a genuine adult closeness can never take root.

However, if a mother clings to her daughter and doesn’t let go- her daughter can’t help but feel growing resentment that ends in a mother/daughter tension that is never-ending.

Can mothers and daughters ever be close in a healthy way?

Yes, but first, mom must release her daughter into her own life in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship.

If your mom can’t let you go and you see yourself in the “good” daughter role there are steps you can take.

If you need a script to tell mom to take a step back and stop giving unwanted advice here is one that is kind and respectful. If you suspect mom might be Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic, or has traits of these disorders here is a way to tell.

To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role -go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary partner, this interferes with their daughter's emotional growth. Click To Tweet It is mom's job to let go and accept her daughter's leaving. Click To Tweet It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a partner or peers and leave behind her role as a child. Click To Tweet It is one thing for a mother and daughter to re-establish closeness after a period of healthy separation. If the period of healthy separation never happens then a genuine adult closeness can never take root. Click To Tweet Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and her mother. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues

Comments

  1. Marlene says

    December 11, 2020 at 1:59 am

    I am divorced for three years. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. We are completely committed to each other and our kids get along so well. The issue is that my mother lives with me and I want him to move in with me. She is not feeling him and says that he thinks he runs the home. She doesn’t have to worry about paying anything. She works part time and makes a car payment only. Everything else I take care of. Once my boyfriend moves in the responsibility will be shared it will release a lot of the burden. We love each other but my mother doesn’t want to have nothing to do with him. I’ve tried to talk to her but she will not budge. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      December 11, 2020 at 3:04 pm

      Hi Marlene,
      Although I can’t know everything about your particular situation I can tell you what I’ve told (and asked) clients who have been in similar situations.

      First I would need to know why your mother doesn’t live independently. Is this because of necessity or choice, your choice or hers? If I am to assume it is your choice and you have willingly taken her in, in my opinion, you have the authority to call the shots about who lives in your household. Having said that combining households that involve children is a huge step-one not to be taken lightly. I would advise you to focus less on convincing Mom and more on thinking this through for yourself.

      Ask yourself if you have gotten clear on the division of labor, finances, childcare, etc with the boyfriend? What can you expect from him and what do you expect of yourself? I know those discussions can throw cold water on the “in love” feelings but are necessary in order to set expectations to empower you- not to convince Mom.

      Here is an all too common trap that a lot of daughters of difficult mothers fall into-their mother has called the shots for so long, they put all of their efforts into convincing Mom instead of taking the time to make decisions that are best for you.
      Once you know where you stand and are ready to take complete responsibility for the success or failure of the new union, you set the expectation that you all as a team will be calling the shots. Mom can come along or not, her choice.

      That’s a big leap and one you need to have plenty of confidence in order to make.

      A middle road might be to keep dating and look together for a new place- one that would be a fresh start for you both and you bear equal responsibility for maintaining. Then you could invite Mom to join you all as a couple with the clear expectation that you all are the heads of the household and a unified front extending your hospitality to her. I imagine this might feel like a ton of work. It is. But, it is also an opportunity to set on the path to leading a grown-up life, one that Mom doesn’t control. Best of luck to you.
      Katherine

      Reply

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The Good Daughter's Guide to Freedom

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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