Daughters Rising

Dear Mom- Here’s Why I Am Avoiding Your Calls & What I Wish I Could Tell You

by Katherine Fabrizio

Dear Mom,

You call me and I don’t pick up. Do you wonder why I am avoiding your calls?

 Is it that I don’t love you?  Or, am I a thoughtless, ungrateful, heartless child? ( I seriously doubt it- I’m the “good” daughter after all) Or, is there something else going on?

Here is my truth as I see it. I am sorry I am hurting your feelings but I think you are insensitive to mine. Here is what I would tell you if I had the nerve and I had faith you would really listen.

 

 

 

 

 

  • 1 -You expect a report It is as if you are the FBI and have authority to ask anything you want. There is no topic you won’t breach. You act as if my time and privacy are yours for the taking. If you have questions, you expect me to provide you the answers, no matter how personal.

How this makes me feel? Invaded and intruded upon. When you expect me to report to you it feels as if I am offering up my life for your inspection.  That my life is yours to fret over, manage, and fix.

            There is always an air of judgment underlying your questions.

What you can do instead? Don’t automatically expect me to share everything with you. Approach me knowing that I have a choice about whether or not to share.  Know that there are some things I’d like to keep private,  if for only a while. When you respect my privacy, I will be more willing to share.

  • 2- You overreact –If I’m worried, I don’t need you to pile on or freak out. Your anxiety doesn’t help me, it just makes me feel more unsure. Paradoxically, when you worry I feel the need to reassure you, which only adds to my burden.

How it makes me feel? Defensive. Like I am not seeing the seriousness of the situation. That it is so much worse than I ever thought and I might make it worse if I didn’t have you to rescue me.

What to do instead? Listen and convey to me that I have what it takes to figure things out. Be my calm, steady safe place.

  • 3- You tell me what to do- Before I can flesh out my thoughts, you jump in with your suggestions and take over.

How it makes me feel? Stupid. Like I don’t have what it takes to make it on my own. Like I’m not good enough. That you think I don’t have what it takes to handle the situation.

What you can do instead? Say, “I might have some ideas, would you like me to weigh in or would you like me to listen now?”

The pressure and guilt that divide us

I get it. Our culture tells you if you love me… you should fix all of my problems – even into adulthood. I take issue with that line of thinking. That misguided thinking only leads to your overreach and my feelings of resentment. Then, I feel like my only option is to avoid you to avoid takeover, criticism and burdening you. As a result, I walk around with this underlying sense of guilt, and you feel rejected.

When we do talk and you tell me how much you need my engagement with you, you put me in an impossible position. I feel an overwhelming sense of obligation. This is bad for our relationship because when I feel guilty, I will work to offload my guilt by fulfilling my obligation. And when I am operating on guilt and obligation – there will be resentment in the mix. This is not the way to sustain a loving relationship. I imagine what you really want is my affection, not my obligation or guilt.

Paradoxically, the power you have for the connection you want is right under your nose. You need to know the power you have. Because you have been a witness to my strengths and my vulnerabilities no one is in a better position to lift me up or put me down. I want to encourage you to use that power wisely. How you use it will determine how eager am to pick up the phone when you call.

Here’s how you might use this power-

  • 1) Ask me if I am free to talk. Respect my time and privacy.
  • 2) Be a calming presence in my life who reminds me of the times when I struggled and came through with a win.
  • 3) Let me come up with my own solutions even if I struggle and fail. Let me own my failures so I can own my successes.
  • 4) Learn that, after loving me, letting go is the greatest gift you can give me.

I need and want your loving solid presence in my life. If you could put forth the effort I would gladly meet you halfway.

Postscript *

For daughters of mothers who are Narcissistic, Borderline Histrionic or Addicted, this trap of intrusion, criticism, and boundary-crossing is especially problematic. If she is in the role of the Good daughter, this dynamic can be hell on earth.

Find out if you are experiencing the Good Daughter Syndrome here.

 

Raise Awareness.  Rewrite Mother/Daughter Relating. TWEET IT OUT 

Mom -the power you have for the connection you want is right under your nose. Rather than tell me what to do, your solid loving witness is what I need. Click To Tweet Mom, let me come up with my own solutions even if I struggle and fail. Let me own my failures so I can own my successes. Click To Tweet Mom for a better connection, be a calming presence in my life who reminds me of the times when I struggled and came through with a win. Click To Tweet Mom, because you have been a witness to my strengths and my vulnerabilities no one is in a better position to lift me up or put me down. Click To Tweet Mom, I imagine what you really want is my affection, not my obligation or guilt. Click To Tweet Our culture tells you if you love me... you should fix all of my problems - even into adulthood. WRONG! That only leads to your overreach and my feelings of resentment. Click To Tweet Mom, If I'm worried, I don't need you to pile on or freak out. Your anxiety doesn't help me, it just makes me feel more unsure. Paradoxically, when you worry I feel the need to reassure you, which only adds to my burden. Click To Tweet Mom, I need you to love me not fix me. Click To Tweet Mom, when you respect my privacy I will be more willing to share. Click To Tweet Mom, please don't jump in with your fixes. It makes me feel like you don't trust my judgment. Click To Tweet Mom, when I don't take your suggestions, I'm not rejecting you, I'm developing me! Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Is What It Costs The Adult Daughter Of A Narcissistic/Difficult Mother

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

( Here is how it feels to be the adult daughter of a narcissistic/difficult mother)

“My mother is driving me crazy!”

Is this just any daughter complaining about her mother or is it an indication that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship? Is she dealing with a Narcissistic Mother?

A daughter has been raised by a mother with serious psychological difficulty, isn’t just bitching about mom. She is trapped by her mother’s needs in ways that cost her then  & now. When mom has NPD ( Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or  BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder) or has traits of these personality disorders, her daughter will suffer.

The daughter who is attuned to mom is frequently stuck in the role of the “good daughter”. This role is good for mom but bad for her. For the “good” daughter, rejecting mom is simply not an option.  She is not only hurt by her damaged mother but on some level feels responsible for her mother’s well-being. This adaptation to moms’ distorted sense of self will affect every aspect of her daughter’s life.

Her mother’s defenses mandate she look “good” for mom or be “good” for mom. Mom’s need for self-preservation comes at the cost of her daughter’s developmental needs. Growing up – the good daughter learns that care-taking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. She has learned to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem.

For emotional survival, she learns to disconnects from herself and tunes into mom’s needs instead.

What does it cost her to be ‘good” for mom instead of real for herself?  The daughter in the role of the good daughter may look like she has it all together yet be flooded with self-doubt when met with the slightest criticism. Years of looking good for mom and feeling that she has to be better than she leaves her with little emotional resilience. Consequentially, detaching from her essential self, while letting another person in is almost impossible.

Because of this detachment, her capacity for intimate relating can be severely limited.

Isolated and lonely, the good daughter is plagued by an emptiness she doesn’t understand. She assumes everyone feels it. The acceptance she longs for frequently feels out of her reach. Tragically, when the “good daughter” feels the need to keep up an illusion of perfection, no one gets to see whom she really is at her core.

When a love interest gets too close, she may back away, fearing if she reveals her real self, she will be found lacking. This is her double-bind, show your true self and you risk losing the love you need. Keep up a front and you never really feel loved for yourself. Alternatively, she will pick partners who are in desperate need of narcissistic mirroring themselves.

She may be surrounded by people but feel profoundly lonely and not know why. Riddled with anxiety she won’t measure up in some way, the good daughter often over-functions at work or at school. Rather than bringing a sense of satisfaction, she feels like an imposter only waiting to be found out.

The good daughter might exercise and starve herself to quiet the internalized critical voice that relentlessly calls her “fat,” “lazy,”.  If she obeys the internal critical voices and gives of herself enough, she can sometimes calm the voices to a dull roar. Still, the internal tyrant is always there, lying in wait—waiting to hunt her down the minute the “good daughter” lets down her guard.

In an effort to look good, she may keep it all together only to turn to food or alcohol when no one is looking. In extreme cases, she resorts to cutting or other forms of self-harm to release the accumulated pressure she feels from keeping up the facade.

Keeping up the facade is exhausting and never-ending. The “good daughter” may not know how to fail in small ways and bounce back. There is no middle ground. Her so-called successes are both a pedestal and a prison. Every success sets an expectation she feels she has to meet, every time.

The fake smile, the protective mask, the relentless pursuit of perfection has crushed the little girl inside who has learned to look good her narcissistically defended mom instead of being real for herself. Being real wasn’t good enough for mom.

The good daughter must look good and make sure everyone is okay with her-even when mom is nowhere in sight. No one told her that this is an impossible task. Because happiness, even her own, is an inside job. As a result of trying, she may feel overwhelming shame, guilt, and self-doubt. These oppressive feelings threaten to bury her alive.

What can she do? 

She needs to know that her buried self is still there, waiting to be reclaimed and brought back to life.

Paradoxically, her discontent holds the breadcrumbs to trace a way back to herself. The good daughter’s unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self. Plugging back into the current of her true range of feelings—not merely the “nice” ones—can energize her passion and creativity. With that energy, she may finally be able to shake off the shame, claim her true feelings, and find her way back home—to her essential self. Armed with awareness, the Good Daughter can use the map of her mother’s narcissistic wounds as the detailed guide to finding her power as a woman. Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment.

 

To find out if you have the Good Daughter Syndrome go here.

 

Tweet it out; break the cycle

A daughter has been raised by a mother with serious psychological difficulty, isn't just bitching about mom. She is trapped by her mother's needs in ways that cost her then & cost her now. Click To Tweet Armed with awareness, the Good Daughter can use the map of her mother's narcissistic wounds as the detailed guide to finding her power as a woman. Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment. Click To Tweet The good daughter's unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self. Click To Tweet The fake smile, the protective mask, the relentless pursuit of perfection has crushed the little girl inside who has learned to look good her narcissistically defended mom instead of being real for herself. Click To Tweet Riddled with anxiety she won’t measure up in some way, the good daughter often over-functions at work or at school. Rather than bring a sense of satisfaction, she feels like an imposter only waiting to be found out. Click To Tweet This Is What It Costs The Adult Daughter Of A Narcissistic/Difficult Mother Click To Tweet Growing up - the good daughter learns that caretaking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. She has to learn to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem. Click To Tweet

 

 

Does Mom Need You To Be Perfect? Are You Ensnared In The “Good” Daughter Trap?

by Katherine Fabrizio

 When a mother needs her daughter to be perfect, this ensnares her in the “good daughter” trap. Golden child, false self, imposter syndrome… are all ways daughters feel the pressure to look good for mom behind a mask of perfection.

Here is how it unfolds.

Thundering applause and you take your bow. An audience of one holds you in her sights. Mom approves! You have gotten into the college of your choice. You’ve scored a promotion or delivered mom’s first grandchild. Beaming proudly, mom has a self-satisfied look on her face. You’ve made her look good and that’s what counts. You’re golden. Success. So why do you feel like a fraud, an imposter, a fake? The sinking feeling in your gut tells you, mom needs you to be perfect… perfect for her.

The way the “good” daughter trap works- When mom lifts you up and puts you on a pedestal -it feels so good. Tentative, but good. You do the thing that makes mom glow. The good grade, the impeccable manners, the flattering hairstyle (according to mom ) or appropriate (again according to mom) outfit. You’re good. Mom’s good. But…it’s hard to live on a pedestal. 

Impossible actually. You are always worried about slipping off. It’s confining up there- no room to move and a terrifying drop if you fall. Plus, the prospect of falling is always there. One slip up and down you go…If you are completely honest with yourself, you wish your success didn’t matter so much to mom. You can’t shake the feeling that mom cares too much.

It’s like she is living through you and your successes. Ahhh, yes- that’s it. And, that’s a lot of pressure. The pedestal mom puts you on becomes your prison. Anxiety is your prison guard. You feel anxious you will lose your footing… say or do something that disappoints mom or makes you look less than perfect and you’ll let both of you down.

Mom’s compliments feel more like mandates.  In this way, you don’t feel like you can try something out and risk failure. There are no do-overs when you are looking good for someone else. It’s all so tentative. You never know what will make her and her opinion of you crumble. And you wonder deep down that she might crumble if you don’t keep up the show.

Because of her internal limitations, she is living through your successes. Deep down she doesn’t have the self-esteem to stand on her own. You wonder if she could be Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic, struggle with an addiction or simply have low self-worth. No matter the reason, this dynamic feels suffocating and confining.

You wish mom’s support was solid and dependable. It doesn’t feel that way. That would give you the confidence to try, fail and bounce back. Instead, you constantly worry you will lose her approval.  So winning her approval isn’t really a win. It is a “win for now”. You can’t count on it. You want to be able to make mistakes, struggle, stretch and try your wings without feeling like you will destroy mom if you don’t get it right.

The expectations set for you are sky high.

The very same “good” daughter behavior that elevates you in mom’s eyes traps you in a  prison. Here’s how –

Transcript 

Hi, this is Katherine Fabrizio with help for The Good Daughter Syndrome. I’ve been seeing women in psychotherapy for 27 years. I’ve come to identify several things about The Good Daughter Syndrome. One thing I’ve seen, I call The Pedestal and The Prison. The good daughter gets lots of accolades. Mom usually has praise. She has praise, she’s your highest cheerleader and your harshest critic many times. When you come through, when you do something that pleases mom, you’re put on a pedestal. Then when you want to push back, make your own decisions. Set some boundaries because that very pedestal can become a prison. You’re the only person mom can count on. When you’ve reached a level of what you would say is perfection, I don’t like that word, but a certain level. Many good daughters feel like they have to maintain that level. This is exhausting and is not a real way for anyone to live. Working to make your mother look good traps the daughter in the role of the good daughter in an unending cycle that is neither healthy for mother or her daughter. There is a way out and a way home. A way out of the trap and a way home to yourself.

Start here with this healing meditation.

To find out if you are caught in this Good Daughter trap- go here.

This article was originally published by https://psychcentral.com/

 

Tweet it out-break the cycle

Working to make your mother look good traps you in the role of the good daughter. Click To Tweet

You want to be able to make mistakes, struggle, stretch and try your wings without feeling like you will destroy mom if you don't get it right. Click To Tweet” username=”daughterrising”]

If mom needs you to be perfect the pedestal she puts you on becomes your prison. Anxiety is your prison guard. Click To Tweet

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

3 Ways The Good Daughter of the Narcissistic/Difficult Mother Feels Trapped

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

“My mother is driving me crazy!”

Does every daughter complain about her mother or is there something fundamentally wrong with the relationship?

Are you a daughter of a Narcissistic Mother?

If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic has traits of these disorders or is insecure, her daughter attuned to mom frequently finds herself in the role of the Good Daughter.

For the daughter in the role of the Good Daughter, she is trapped in a dynamic that she feels… but just can’t put her finger on.

When is good for mom, bad for her daughter?

Let’s dig in.

A daughter who has been raised by a mother with serious psychological difficulty isn’t just bitching about mom.

She is trapped by her mother’s needs in ways that cost her dearly. 

This destructive Good Daughter dynamic is often hidden.

Here are 3 ways this Good Daughter role is a trap.

  • 1. The daughter’s attunement traps her.  She is the one who sees, feels and senses when mom is upset. 

Her closeness to mom and hypervigilence to mom’s moods may feel like love to her. Why wouldn’t it? It is all she has ever known.

If mom is upset, the Good Daughter feels it is her job to fix it. This is habitual and ingrained.

This dynamic that is rooted in childhood when daughter needed mom to be okay.

Because her own needs have been intertwined with her mothers, the Good Daughter has a hard time rejecting mom or causing mom upset without feeling her own security is jeopardized.

2. She is not only hurt by her damaged mother but she feels responsible for her mother’s well-being.

Growing up – the Good Daughter learns that care-taking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. Making sure mom is okay comes first. Then and only then can she feel safe.

She has learned to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem.

3. The Good daughter is frequently the one mom looks to- to be the example. 

Her mother’s defenses mandate she look “good” for mom or be “good” for mom. Mom’s need for self-preservation comes at the cost of her daughter’s developmental needs.

For emotional survival, she learns to disconnect from her essential self and tune into mom’s needs instead.

What does it cost the Good Daughter to be “good” for mom instead of real for herself?

The daughter in the role of the Good Daughter may look like she has it all together yet be flooded with self-doubt when met with the slightest criticism.

Years of looking good for mom and feeling that she has to be better than she is leaves her with little emotional resilience.

Consequentially, detaching from her essential self and letting another person in is almost impossible.

Because of this detachment, her capacity for intimate relating is severely limited.

Isolated and lonely, the Good Daughter is plagued by an emptiness she doesn’t understand. The acceptance she longs for feels out of reach and she doesn’t know why.

She keeps thinking that perfection will be the fix that she needs when what she needs is connection.  

How does being good for mom get in the way of closeness with a partner?

When the Good Daughter feels the need to keep up an illusion of perfection, no one gets to see who she really is. When a love interest gets too close, she may back away, fearing if she reveals her real self, she will be found lacking.

This is her double-bind, let your true self-show and you risk losing the love you need.

Ironically though- if you keep up a front,  you are never loved for yourself.

Alternatively, she will pick partners who are in desperate need of narcissistic mirroring themselves.

The Good Daughter may be surrounded by people but feel profoundly lonely and not know why.

How does this Good Daughter role cause her to feel like an imposter?

Riddled with anxiety she won’t measure up in some way, the Good Daughter over-functions at work or at school. Yet, rather than bringing a sense of satisfaction, she feels like an imposter only waiting to be found out.

The Good Daughter might exercise and starve herself to quiet the internalized critical voice that relentlessly calls her “fat,” “lazy,”.  If she obeys the internal critical voices and gives of herself enough, she can sometimes calm the voices to a dull roar.

Still, the internal tyrant is always there, lying in wait—waiting to hunt her down the minute the Good Daughter lets her guard down.

In an effort to look good, she may keep it all together only to turn to food or alcohol when no one is looking. In extreme cases, she resorts to cutting or other forms of self-harm to release the accumulated pressure she feels from keeping up the facade.

Or she feels a chronic sense of self-doubt, never able to relax and simply be herself. 

She might be a suburban mom who can’t pull herself away from the shopping channel or the Chardonnay, her only escape from the relentless tedium of making her life and family look better than it is- emptiness and anxiety haunting her every footstep.

If she is a mom, she is likely to over function in her relationship with her daughter. She doesn’t know when enough is good enough. She wants so desperately for her daughter to feel good about herself.

For the Good Daughter, keeping up the facade is exhausting and never-ending.

The Good Daughter may not know how to fail in small ways and bounce back. There is no middle ground.

Her so-called successes are both a pedestal and a prison. Every success sets an expectation she feels she has to meet, every time.

The fake smile, the protective mask, the relentless pursuit of perfection has crushed the little girl inside who has learned to look good for her narcissistically defended mom instead of being real for herself.

Being real wasn’t good enough for mom.

The Good Daughter must look good and make sure everyone is okay with her-even when mom is nowhere in sight.

No one told her this is an impossible task. Because happiness, even her own, is an inside job.

As a result of trying, she feels overwhelming shame, guilt, and self-doubt.

Her essential self is buried under the Good Daughter facade.

What can the Good Daughter do to help herself?

She needs to know her buried self is still there, waiting to be reclaimed and brought back to life.

Paradoxically, her discontent holds the breadcrumbs tracing a way back to herself.

The Good Daughter’s unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self.

Plugging back into the current of her true range of feelings—not merely the “nice” ones—can energize her passion and creativity.

With that energy, she may finally be able to shake off the shame, claim her true feelings, and find her way back home—to her essential self.

Armed with awareness, the Good Daughter can use the map of her mother’s narcissistic wounds as the detailed guide to finding her power as a woman.

Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment.

This article originally appeared in https://psychcentral.com/

To Find out of you are caught in the Good Daughter trap- go here.

If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic has traits of these disorders or is insecure, her daughter attuned to mom frequently finds herself in the role of the Good Daughter. Click To Tweet If mom is upset, the Good Daughter feels it is her job to fix it. This is habitual and ingrained. Click To Tweet The daughter's attunement traps her in the role of the Good Daughter. She is the one who sees, feels and senses when mom is upset. Click To Tweet Because her own needs have been intertwined with her mother's, the Good Daughter has a hard time rejecting mom or causing mom upset without feeling her own security is jeopardized. Click To Tweet Growing up - the Good Daughter learns that caretaking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. Making sure mom is okay comes first. Then and only then can she feel safe. Click To Tweet The Good Daughter's unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self. Click To Tweet Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment. Click To Tweet Plugging back into the current of her true range of feelings—not merely the “nice” ones—can energize her passion and creativity. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

GET YOUR FREE MEDITATION

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DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

Promises to Our Daughters- Sexual Assault Prevention Starts With Messages Mothers Give To Their Daughters

by Katherine Fabrizio

Messages mothers give to their daughters about their bodies reverberate throughout their daughters’ lives and have major consequences for their safety now and later. By that, I mean mothers signal to their daughters what is expected of them through everyday interactions.

Mothers are the initial guardians of their daughter’s bodies first in utero and then later in life. So the messages mothers give daughters are foundational. They start with what mothers say to their daughters and mom’s attitude conveyed through nonverbal cues.

Many daughters in the role of Good daughter are specially programmed to put others comfort before herself. When they have daughters they may struggle with what to say to their own daughters.

It may come down to mom’s willingness to be socially uncomfortable. Women are heavily socialized to smooth things over rather than rock the boat- an unconscious attitude we don’t even fully know we carry.

 

 

 

Here are some questions we need to ask ourselves. 

  1. -Do daughters owe others a hug to show their gratitude- even when they don’t feel like it?
  2. -Should daughters smile to make another person happy and override their own feelings?
  3. -Should a daughter “get over” feeling uncomfortable with a certain relative or family friend?

 

*Daughters encode these messages early on and are either strengthened by them or left vulnerable. (Be easy on yourself -through this discovery process. Most of us have no idea we are carrying potentially dangerous attitudes at the unconscious level.)

 

Many daughters in the role of  Good daughter are specially programmed to put others comfort before themselves.

Tweet It Out

Many daughters in the role of Good daughter are specially programmed to put others comfort before herself. Click To Tweet Messages mothers give to their daughters about their bodies reverberate throughout their daughters' lives and have major consequences for their safety now and later. Click To Tweet The bottom line many times is mom's willingness to be socially uncomfortable instead of expecting her daughter to make her comfortable. Click To Tweet Mothers are the initial guardians of their daughter's bodies first in utero and then later in life. What they signal to their daughters matters! Click To Tweet

 

Let’s turn this around and make the following promises to our daughters. Who’s with me?

 

What messages did your mother give you?

Let me know in the comments.

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

#MeToo & Mom -When Mom Doesn’t Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused

by Katherine Fabrizio

When #MeToo & Mom comes home.

What happens when a mother does not protect her daughter from sexual abuse?

What about when she doesn’t believe her daughter when she tells her she has been sexually abused?

Her daughter feels a deep level of betrayal she may not even fully get over. This is a horrible phenomenon and a shadow side of mothering failure. The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted is horrible enough, but when your mother doesn’t believe you or protect you, you suffer a secondary trauma.

 

 

Here are some of my thoughts stemming from over 30 years of counseling women in psychotherapy in the transcript of a recent video.

Good morning, it’s Katherine Fabrizio with help for the adult daughter of the narcissistic or otherwise difficult mother trapped in the role of the good daughter. So many women remain silent and never reveal that they were sexually abused or assaulted in the first place.

You know, this morning I was thinking about, with all the sexual assault and sexual abuse allegations in the news, what I see so much in my practice is the primary trauma of the original sexual assault or sexual abuse is horrific and terrible enough and many women keep these incidents secret and carry them to their grave because they feel guilty.

Why do so many women remain silent? They blame themselves if they were in, in a position… say they were in a place where they feel like they shouldn’t have been or they were dressed in a way that they feel like they shouldn’t have been or they were drinking or on and on and on and on- they put the blame on themselves. So many women in this good daughter role are trained to please other people and be good, which many times involves not being sexual.

Lack of reporting sexual assault/abuse cuts right to the heart of the conflict women feel about their sexuality. So many women feel ashamed about their sexuality at its core and mom doesn’t help. Mixed messages mothers give to daughters abound. Mom is conflicted and therefore she passes these messages down to her daughter. “Look good but not too good.”

What happens when women speak up and mom doesn’t protect them? Many women don’t speak up, but if they do and when they do  … tell their mothers or  the other women in their life and they’re not believed or they might be believed, but the mom says, and I’m going to quote from a comment I got from an article I wrote this week, ” I’ve got two kids to raise and, you know, I’m sorry your stepfather’s doing that to you, but there’s really nothing I can do. This is killing me. You’re making me choose between you.”

“Oh, my God.” From that particular client who sent in the comment this week, she, in particular, has lived with this her whole adult life and stayed close to a mother who never stood up for her and protected her.

Now I think it’s very complicated because women haven’t had the economic power that men have had. Some may, quote-unquote need to stay in that relationship. I think it’s very complicated, but what I want to speak to is what it does to the daughters who dare to speak up. I see this so many times… that they dare to speak up and are not believed or are not protected by their moms.

What message does it send when mothers don’t believe or don’t protect their own daughters? It damages daughters forever. They don’t and can’t trust ever again in quite the same way. I mean, what are they supposed to do with that? It sets them up for a lifetime of incredible internal conflict.

How are they supposed to go forward? How are they supposed to look at men and, and decide, you know, what you do for a man and what you don’t do for man?  When do you sell your soul?

What kind of Faustian bargain have you entered into? Many times it’s a mother who they’re taking care of or they’re looking to for identity and role modeling. When this person becomes mute or overlooks it or it’s, it’s just incredibly life damaging and has to stop!

What can women do instead? Yes, people should be allowed due process and all that, but when your daughter speaks up or your best friend speaks up, or women that you work with speaks up, you can take her seriously. You can become curious. You can ask caring, inquisitive questions that don’t imply a “what did you do? You know, what was your part in it”. Don’t imply that because a person was drinking or wore a certain outfit or, went on a date that gives the man permission to force himself on her. Or if it’s at work, and somebody’s in a higher position, they can say anything they want to somebody in a lower position.

What Sexual assault and abuse is, and is not about;

1. It’s about power. It’s not about sexuality.

2. It’s not about being good.

3. It’s not about being pretty.

4. It’s not about being feminine.

What to do instead – Believe your daughter. Ask her thoughtful questions & empathize.Don’t make your daughter feel like she’s alone or to blame, whatever you do.

 

As mothers and daughters let’s nip this in the bud. At least put a stop to the mother/daughter component of it. Time’s up. The time is now for mothers to stand up to, believe, and protect their daughters.

Find out if you are suffering from the “good daughter” syndrome here.

 

If you or someone you love needs immediate help please go here to learn more https://www.rainn.org/

 

Here are tweets for you to speak your truth.

The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted is horrible enough, but when your mother doesn't believe you or protect you, you suffer a secondary trauma. Click To Tweet So many women remain silent and never reveal that they were sexually abused or assaulted in the first place. This only compounds the shame that they feel. Click To Tweet Lack of reporting sexual assault/abuse cuts right to the heart of the conflict women feel about their sexuality. Click To Tweet #MeToo & Mom -When Mom Doesn’t Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused Click To Tweet What message does it send when mothers don't believe or protect their daughters when they speak up about sexual abuse or assault? Click To Tweet

 

Find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

This article was originally published by https://psychcentral.com/

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
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8 Lies Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Tell Themselves About Men And What They Should Be Asking Themselves Instead

by Katherine Fabrizio

Here are eight lies daughters of narcissistic mothers tell themselves about men and the critical questions they should be asking themselves instead.

From my therapy couch, I see woman after woman convince herself to “settle” for less than she should. When she has an impaired mother she comes by this honestly. Especially if she is in the “good” daughter  role with her difficult mother she is used to putting another person’s needs ahead of her own.

 

1.“You know John is great. Except, of course, when he isn’t. The good times outnumber the bad.” – Are you always holding on to the good times and trying to forget the bad ones?

2.“There is a lot about him I do like, but he doesn’t always come through with his promises.”– Are you still hoping his behavior will somehow get better, that lapses are the exception rather than the rule?

3.“I think he has a lot on his mind these days.”– Do you always make excuses for him and give him a pass?

4.”I wish he would talk to someone.” Yep, there is always that one—he isn’t the one on my couch, paying my fee & examining himself, now is he?

5.“I’m just going to give it some time and see how things go.”-Time isn’t going to fix this one; it will only prolong your misery.

6.“I know no one is perfect.” True, no one is perfect but is he reliable, honest and trustworthy?

7.“I’m not sure whether to say anything or not. I don’t want to come across as demanding or chase him off.”– Are you selling yourself short, blaming yourself rather than moving on?

8.“I really don’t want to go back out there in the dating pool. You just don’t know how bad it is. I’m not going to find anything better.” – Is this ever a good reason for settling for less than you should?

Translation—In one form or another all these women are all saying the same thing:

“I don’t know what to do with my needs in a relationship.” Can I just tell you how often I hear the ways my clients sell themselves short? It makes me so sad. I wonder—how could we as women have failed each other so completely that daughter after daughter keeps throwing herself away and selling herself short? Men will never step up to the plate if we keep settling for less.

As a psychotherapist to women for the past 30 years, I have found adult daughters of Narcissistic Mothers internalize disempowering messages from their mothers. These messages sabotage their well-meaning attempts at finding happiness. Daughters of Narcissistic or Difficult Mothers carry the unconscious assumption that they must make up for their inherent unworthiness by overcompensating in their relationships.

If you have a Narcissistic Mother and take on the role of the “Good Daughter,” you learned that your needs don’t count—
So you either…

1) Work to manipulate a man, instead of setting the foundation for a good relationship by being genuine and letting things develop in their own time.

Or…

2) Settle for less than you deserve hoping he will come around.

You don’t speak up about the hurt you feel for fear of appearing too needy. And then you find yourself faithfully waiting & hoping. You just want to love and be loved. “Is that asking too much?”, you say. The Narcissistic Mother sends the message to her daughter that the way to be loved is to accommodate and adapt! Chances are, if you have been raised by a  Narcissistic Mother, her defenses have left you feeling unlovable at worst, or that love is conditional at best.

If so, you may feel ashamed that you have any needs at all. You have been unconsciously programmed to put yourself last. And the more you settle for less, the harder it is to see the inequities or to extricate yourself from an unbalanced relationship. What you can’t see is that “making it work” is both breaking your heart and chipping away at your self-worth, one compromise at a time.

Here is the truth, as I know it—

Just because Mom was insecure ( the core reason for the Narcissistic defense)  and acted as if she didn’t count, you don’t have to do the same. When you ask yourself the hard questions that will get to the truth of what is actually going on in your relationship, you protect and value yourself in ways mom couldn’t.

 

You can grow beyond your Narcissistic Mother’s imprinting. Paradoxically, when you stop settling and start valuing yourself, you will attract men who will do the same.

Before my head explodes- hear me out. There are some good men out there. When you give up the Good Daughter role with mom and yourself – you can embrace your inner feminine power. That power is whole, multidimensional and SEXY! It starts with you.

I’m going to tell you something you mother couldn’t. Your essential feminine essence is your truth and your power. Get in touch with her and leave the lies behind for good. You are so much more than good, daughter.

Find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role here.

This article first appeared in https://psychcentral.com/

Raise Awareness. Don’t Settle. Tweet it Out!

As a psychotherapist to women for the past 30 years, I have found Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers internalize disempowering messages from their mothers. Click To Tweet If you have a Narcissistic Mother and take on the role of the “Good Daughter,” you learned that your needs don’t count and you take this into your romantic relationships— Click To Tweet Paradoxically, when you stop settling and start valuing yourself, you will attract men who will value you. Click To Tweet

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

Is My Mother a Covert Narcissist? – 5 ( Not So Obvious) Ways To Tell

by Katherine Fabrizio

It can be a hard question to ask yourself,- ” Is my mother a covert narcissist? ” You know something is amiss but you can’t quite put your finger on it. 

Mom isn’t loud and overtly self-centered but she does always seem make it about her.  In fact, if mom doesn’t get her way there is hell to pay.  This you know is true.  And if you are in the role of the “good” daughter you may have been enabling mom’s covert narcissism for years without realizing it. It’s time to become informed.

Let’s have a look beneath the surface.

Because mom knows the socially appropriate ways to co-opt you her ways are underground and slippery.  This makes it hard to detect and harder still for daughters to understand their justifiable anger at having their lives appropriated. Mom might be the helicoptering PTA president, a squeaky clean Sunday school teacher or long-suffering martyred momma yet still have an underlying personality disorder or be high in traits of this disorder.

Don’t be fooled. Many covert narcissistic mothers have much more subtle telltale moves. Here is how to spot them:

Disclaimer- it is important to remember Narcissism isn’t a crime. It is a disorder. If mom has this disorder she is suffering too. She doesn’t consciously decide to act selfishly, she is driven to do it.

1. When you are making her look good, she glows… 

but when you are struggling she peppers you with criticism and questions. You have broken a rule you didn’t know was there; your purpose is to make her look good. If you break this rule you will pay, pay with your self-esteem. There are no practice tests, no dress rehearsals. All of life is a performance. Her limitations can’t withstand tolerating your struggle.

Sadly, It’s about how you make her look as a mother not about supporting you as a daughter. Subtext: she exists on a steady diet of self-importance, you are there to feed her not the other way around.

2. Gift giving- she may ask for the gift back or tell you what to give her.

On holidays, she doesn’t graciously receive the gift you choose for her. She can’t receive; this would mean giving up control. Subtext: “You are not free to choose what to give me. That would imply we are equals. I will  control the giving and taking.”

3. Despite outward appearances to the contrary, your life must take a back seat to her needs. 

When you are unable to immediately attend to her, she becomes resentful. Again, the subtext is this; it is her needs that are important.

4. When you question her or ask for clarification, she becomes immediately defensive and fires back at you.

Or she gives an overblown hyperbolic response. Something along the lines of I’m SO SORRY for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING she MIGHT have done. She was, after all ONLY trying to help. The subtext is this; you are to answer to her, not the other way around. This move is designed to deflect blame and make you feel guilty. She is protecting the emptiness inside of herself.

5. When your boundaries about your personal life are not respected.

Everything and anything is her business. The requests for information feel more like a demand, not a respectful exchange. You get push back if you try and set healthy boundaries. The subtext is this; your business is mine for the taking.  In a relationship with a covertly Narcissistic mother,  you feel owned, more than loved.

6. Mom can’t let go.

Letting go of a daughter is hard, really hard. The covert narcissistic mother can’t support her daughter’s need for growing independence. She takes it as a rejection of her.

This is my “no punches pulled” list to help you spot the signs of a covert narcissistic mother.  Harsh maybe, truthful, you bet.

Why would I want to call out these characteristics?

Because I have seen many daughters suffer and not know why they feel so angry one minute and guilty the next. They are truly trapped in the good daughter syndrome and can’t see their way out. They may be wearing a mask to the world and yet be suffocating inside and not know why.

——————————————-

As a psychotherapist counseling women for 30 years, I have seen these manipulative moves by mothers.

They are more subtle than the boorish moves you might see in a narcissistic man. These are the moves of the covert narcissistic mother. Not the blowhard bluster of the narcissistic man. Still, they are every bit as destructive to her daughter as the overt narcissistic mother. I would argue the damage is worse because of the insidious nature of the wounds.  Like a nick from an extra sharp razor, you don’t know you’ve been cut until you see the blood running down your leg.

As the daughter of the covert narcissistic mother, you feel the sting of shame but think it is your fault, not hers. Shame keeps you second-guessing yourself. Bogged down in a sea of self-doubt you can’t see these moves for what they are- a desperate attempt to shore up mom at your expense.

It’s not you. It’s her. Really. By that I mean it is her needs that are getting met by your actions. Again, she isn’t evil – just unaware and driven to shore up her fragile sense of self.

Calling out these moves and naming them for what they are is the first step towards healing. With awareness, you can evolve beyond Good Daughter into an empowered woman. You need to see mom’s moves for what they are and how they have held you back. We are women. We can do better. Empowering women one mother/daughter relationship at a time.

Find out if you are trapped in the role of the good daughter here

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

TWEET IT OUT-

Women have been socialized to appear accommodating and self-effacing. These learned behaviors can obscure an underlying covert narcissistic personality disorder. Click To Tweet As the daughter of the covert narcissistic mother you feel the sting of shame, but think it is your fault, not hers. Click To Tweet Shame keeps you second-guessing yourself. Bogged down in a sea of self-doubt you can't see these moves for what they are- a desperate attempt to shore up mom at your expense. Click To Tweet When you question the covert Narcissistic mother or ask for clarification, she becomes immediately defensive and fires back at you. Or she gives an overblown hyperbolic response. She was, after all ONLY trying to help. Click To Tweet For the Covertly Narcissistic mother, your boundaries are not respected. Everything and anything is her business. The requests for information feel more like a demand, not a respectful exchange. Click To Tweet Giving a gift to the covertly Narcissistic mother is difficult. She must control the process and the outcome. The subtext is, “You are not free to choose what to give me. That would imply we are equals. Click To Tweet When the Covert Narcissistic mother gives you gifts, there are always strings attached. Gift giving has a push me, pull me feel. She feels so empty herself that she can’t give without extracting something from you. Click To Tweet With a covertly Narcissistic mother, your life must take a back seat to her needs. When you are unable to immediately attend to her, she becomes resentful. Click To Tweet In a relationship with a covertly Narcissistic mother, you feel owned, instead of loved. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

How Mom Lost Touch With Her Feminine Power- Here’s What Happened

by Katherine Fabrizio

Feminine Power and Mom

 

As we won our race to the moon and planted our flag, our culture lost touch with her feminine power. 

Our mothers or grandmothers worshiped at the altar of Wonder Bread® and other processed foods, drank their pulp-less Tang®, and fed their babies scientifically derived formula.

 The prevailing culture defined this as the standard.

Like a giddy teenager, Mom fell head-over-heels in love with science and forgot Mother Earth beneath her feet. So enamored was she, that she threw out the baby with the bath water.

As science made incredible advances in wiping out disease, our mamas neglected their immune systems and in doing so quieted the internalized wise mother.

 Simultaneously, and throughout the ages, men have been threatened by the mystery of the feminine.

They longed for the feminine, yet didn’t understand it.

 Because of this intense conflict, some men have done destructive things out of their fear. This institutionalized fear has sent powerful messages into the culture about the danger of acknowledging and supporting the feminine.

Historically, men have burned women at the stake, denied them voting rights, the right to own property, and tried to control their bodies in various detrimental ways.

But the greater instinctual truth is that men love women. They always have.

 And what they love and want is for women to succumb to their power—the power of the masculine. Man’s desire to acquire, control and, ultimately, dominate feminine power has succeeded admirably over at least twenty-five centuries.

 

And oo ahh, witchy woman, we know it is in a man’s DNA to seek out and gain entrance into the female. It is written in their genetic code. It is the way he spreads his seed and propagates the species.

Let me break it down even further:

 That which was longed for, and held such a mystery, has yielded a significant threat to some men. To compensate for the power that women have had over men, men have tried to take back and then control that power.

Not surprisingly, the culture has perpetuated that lie by advancing the concept that the only real power is masculine.

When the feminine powers of receptivity and nurturing ally with the masculine powers of will and problem solving both energies are enhanced. In outdated ways of thinking, the gifts of intuition and problem solving have been deemed non-scientific at best—suspect or crazy at worst.

 In response, women adopted an “If you can’t beat them join them” mindset. Women learned to compete in a man’s world by buying into their value structure.

To break through glass ceilings and succeed in a man’s world, women learned to act like men. They put on suits and sought control and domination at the forefront of the power game.

They learned to roar! They adopted the male version of power as if it were, all along, their own.

And roar they did!

 

But herein lies the rub. Women have been mimicking men, acting like men, imitating them. It has in some respects been a lie, as many women, and a good number of men know.

 

Women have been someone other than who they are at their essence, suffocating something very precious at their core—their worth as women.

But not all was lost.

 Over time, and because of their intuitive nature, women began to awaken from their slumber, to feel the deep conflict within them that had lain dormant for so many years.

They realized something wasn’t quite right, something that could no longer be ignored.

Ironically, however, to express some of the frustration they felt, much of their woundedness was unconsciously visited upon the most vulnerable and tender of their charges— their daughters.

These daughters, who now carry the same lie, unconsciously, within themselves.

Audio-

 

Adapted from Katherine Fabrizio’s book Daughters Rising: Rising From the Hidden Messages of Shame, Guilt and Self Doubt Passed Down From Mother to Daughter

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

 

How to Give Your Daughter The Self-Esteem Your Mother Never Gave You

by Katherine Fabrizio

Do you want to give your daughter the self-esteem you never got from your own mother? Counseling women in psychotherapy for over 30 years, I hear this one wish mothers have above all others… ” I just want my daughter to feel good about herself.” What if I told you there are 3 ways you can profoundly enhance your daughter’s self-esteem? And what if I told you these tips won’t take more time or cost you more money? Would you listen to me? Good -stay with me… I have help for you. First, let’s consider where you are coming from.

What happened in your childhood that damaged your self-esteem? Was mom Narcissistic, Borderline or have traits of these disorders? Perhaps she was depressed, alcoholic or simply beaten down by life? Did the way she raised you leave you feeling you were “not good enough”? If so, by her treatment or example, your self-esteem suffered. If you took on the role of the Good Daughter you learned to be good for mom at your expense. Now that you have your own daughter, you want more than anything to give her the self-esteem your mother never gave you.

How do you give to your daughter what you didn’t get? There is so much pressure on mothers today. You worry you will mess her up by 1) what you do  2) what you don’t do. You are exhausted by trying so hard and yet, once again, you end up feeling like it’s not enough, feeling that you’re not enough. It wasn’t good enough for your mother, and now you wonder if you are a good enough mom for your daughter. You feel like you can’t win. In over 30 years of counseling women in psychotherapy, I’ve learned mothers are exhausting themselves and mistakenly doing exactly the wrong thing to help their daughter’s self-esteem. I know a better way.

Here are 3 ways to increase your daughter’s self-esteem-

How to Give Your Daughter The Self-Esteem Your Mother Never Gave You 

Transcript -( If you’d rather read)

Many mothers today are afraid, afraid for their daughters.  Mothers want to give their daughters self-esteem. They had a lack of it from their own mothers. If you can relate, I bet you’re running your self-ragged trying to do the right thing, trying to be a good mom. The problem is, so much of what you expect yourself to do is backfiring on you, and I know why.

Why me? I’ve spent the past 30 years counseling mothers and daughters in psychotherapy.

I’ve learned a lot, seeing what can go wrong. Perhaps more importantly though, I’ve raised two girls to adulthood and lived to tell. I know what it feels like, to wanna strangle your daughter one minute and be willing to take a bullet for her the next. Here’s the advice I give to my clients and the advice I wished I could give to my younger self.

Number one, when you see your daughter struggling, don’t steal the lesson. When you swoop in and rescue and fix it too often you prevent your daughter from learning from her mistakes. It’s learning from mistakes and bouncing back that she learns resilience. And it’s knowing her successes are hers and hers alone, that she gains confidence.

Number two, your example is more powerful than your lecture. You tell your daughter, she is as good as anybody, then you put yourself last, you don’t set healthy boundaries. Your daughter is watching and taking notes. You then wonder why she can’t stand up to that mean girl, or why she can’t say “no” to that bad boy?

Number three, own your “no”. Learn how to say “no” and mean it. Say “no” to your daughter, say “no” to your own mother. Say “no” to those messages that are telling you, “You’re not a good enough mom. Unless you buy your daughter one more thing. Unless you provide her with one more opportunity. Unless you orchestrate one more over the top celebration.” Those same messages are telling her she isn’t good enough without straight teeth, hair and A’s.

As a psychotherapist, I’m telling you mothers and daughters are cracking under this pressure. The pressure to do it all and be it all. Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction. And those are just the moms. Because, the truth is, as much as you like, you can’t live your daughter’s life for her. Trying is exhausting. You prevent her from truly growing up, and keeps you both locked in unending power struggles. How do you turn this around?

Know your worth, as a woman and as a mother. When you know your worth you can cheer from up in the stands, rather than run down onto the field. When you know your worth, you can prove your value. Instead of lecturing your daughter endlessly on hers. When you know your worth, you can say “no” with confidence, so you can show up for your “yes”.

In the next seven days:

  1. I’d like for you to resist over-helping.
  2. Do something for yourself, don’t apologize or explain.
  3. Say “no” to someone you love, kindly, but firmly. This will probably be hard. No, scratch that, this will be hard. But if you can parent from the place of self-esteem yourself, I think you’ll see the power struggles melt away.

This is the way, the only way that you can give your daughter that self-esteem that both you and I know she is going to need.

To find out if you are experiencing the Good Daughter Syndrome go here.

 

 

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

How to Give Your Daughter The Self-Esteem Your Mother Never Gave You Click To Tweet Considering the #MeToo movement, increasing awareness of sexual abuse, and assault these days raising a daughter with a healthy self-esteem has never been more important. Click To Tweet Now that you have your own daughter, I'll bet you want more than anything to give her the self-esteem your mother never gave you. Click To Tweet There is so much pressure on mothers today. You worry you will mess her up by 1) what you do 2) what you don't do. Sometimes it feels like you can't win. Click To Tweet When you swoop in and rescue and fix it too often you prevent your daughter from learning from her mistakes. It's learning from mistakes and bouncing back that she learns resilience. Click To Tweet When you know your worth as a woman and a mother you can cheer from up in the stands, rather than run down onto the field. Click To Tweet When you know your worth as a woman and a mother, you can prove your value Instead of lecturing your daughter endlessly on hers. Click To Tweet When you see your daughter struggling, don't steal the lesson. When you swoop in too often and too soon you tell her by your actions she isn't good enough. Click To Tweet It's learning from mistakes and bouncing back that your daughter learns resilience. And it's knowing her successes are hers and hers alone, that she gains confidence. Click To Tweet Because, the truth is, as much as you like, you can't live your daughter's life for her. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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