• Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Daughters Rising

  • About
  • Coaching
  • Resources
    • Blog
    • Book
    • Courses
      • Recovery
      • Therapist Training
  • Dealing with a Difficult Mom
  • Take the Quiz

Here Are 3 Ways The Pain of Your Childhood Can Make You A Better Mother

July 7, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

” I don’t want to mess up my daughter the way my mom messed me up.”

 

Yep, EVERY mother on my psychotherapy couch ( especially the “good” daughter) who has a difficult mother and is now raising a daughter has the worry she will make the same mistakes her mother made and leave her daughter feeling anxious and insecure.

If you are one of those mothers I have good news for you- read on. You can turn straw into gold if you know what to do. It is truly the unexamined dysfunctional childhood that is likely to be repeated.

The old saying, “What we don’t pass back we pass on” holds true. But you might not know, the opposite holds true as well. When you process the pain of your childhood you become a wiser and more compassionate mother.  

When you remember and reflect on how you felt as a child, your awareness can make you more sensitive. Whether through therapy or soul-searching talks with someone close, you’ve taken the time to reflect on and process the pain of your dysfunctional childhood. This kind of reflection yields ninja parenting chops.

That doesn’t mean your home doesn’t look like a madhouse at times. When kids aren’t afraid or neglected all of their feelings are out in the open. This is a good thing. And, because you know what it is like to hurt as a child-

You can see beneath the surface.

You see that…

  1. The quiet, obedient child is not always a happy child. When a child feels despair or shame, she tends to constrict, become quiet, and draw into herself. You know that a child may be overly compliant out of fear, not confidence.
  2. Bad behavior is not always what it seems. The acting out child may be misbehaving because she cannot contain an upsetting feeling, and is working to discharge it or push it away. The out of control behavior is sometimes a cry for help. A cry for an adult to help her get control of her impulses or process overwhelming feelings.
  3. It is not necessarily a good thing when your child tries to take care of you. Although it touches your heart when your child shows concern for you-you know no child should feel responsible for her parent’s happiness.

Because of your own painful childhood, you know when you see these outward signs to look more deeply, remain curious, and approach your child with compassion.  Perhaps your greatest gift can be summed up in a word- empathy. Because every child struggles with powerful emotions, even those in functional homes with good mothers. Your empathy makes you a better mother.

At the opposite end of narcissistic and other rigid defenses, that are at the hallmark of dysfunction lies empathetic attunement. You know maintaining an empathetic connection with your child ( no matter her behavior in the moment) paves the way back to good relationship with you. And relationships that are alive, flexible, and loving, keep families functional.

Connection, not perfection, is the key to good mental health and a happy childhood. Even as you discipline your children, you are empathetic to their need for structure, as well as his/her need for an adult to stay in control when doling out the consequences. You can measure how your momentary withdrawal of approval lands with your child. You are careful to invite her back into your good graces as soon as possible rather than shaming and banishing her.

And, when all goes well- you kick back, a smile of delight spreading across your face, and feel that little catch in your throat as it registers deep within you how grateful you are your child feels loved, protected and cared for.

You know, really know, that the safe loved feeling your child feels… is anything but guaranteed. You work hard to make sure she will never know the pain you’ve felt.

*Bonus-

Not only can you use your childhood pain to inform your parenting today, but when you give to your child the love and compassion you never got from your own parents you can start to heal that place within yourself.

If you were the daughter, who took emotional care of mom chances are you are suffering from the “Good daughter” syndrome. To find out-go here.

When you process the pain of your childhood you become a wiser and more compassionate mother. Click To Tweet Connection, not perfection, is the key to good mental health and a happy childhood. Click To Tweet Not only can you use your childhood pain to inform your parenting today, but when you give to your child the love and compassion you never got from your own parents you can start to heal that place within yourself. Click To Tweet

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Parenting Issues Tagged With: Being Thoughtful, compassionate parentning, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, empathic parenting, Mom, parenting daughters

Comments

  1. Loreán says

    July 13, 2018 at 9:47 am

    Hi there,I so deeply appreciate & am greatful for this. That someone knows about this thing that exists & is real. I have a son, & I’m trying to do everything that you say in this article to be a better mom for him. But I feel like a failure 24/7. I have no idea if I’m doing right by him. Everything just hurts so much. Please help me. I am consumed with sadness & heartache.
    Kind regards
    Loreán Swartz

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      July 13, 2018 at 1:40 pm

      Lorean- Thank you for writing. My heart breaks for you. I have no idea what you have been through but it sounds like a lot. Although I can’t offer therapeutic advice over the intern ( in this form) or without knowing more about your situation it sounds like you might be suffering from depression.
      It is not uncommon with empathetic mothers who want to be in touch with their children’s emotional lives are triggered and revisit their own childhood pain. It is a fine line to walk. Know this-getting help for and healing yourself is not selfish. It is the best thing you can do for your child.
      I am working on a book or course that would help mothers who want to give their child a better childhood than they have had. Check back on this website for updates.

      Reply
  2. Kay says

    April 20, 2019 at 4:24 am

    I just realized tonight that I might be a narcissistic mother. My oldest daughter (14) told me that she lived to make me happy and that now knows it’s never enough for me, so she stopped being the good daughter, but I happened to keep demanding and she feels guilty, and so on….
    I come from a broken, dysfunctional home and absent parents. I am guessing every day how parenting works!! Is there any book or something that Incan read to stop doing what I’m doing wrong, and actually to find out what it is!?
    Thank you.

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      April 20, 2019 at 2:17 pm

      Hi Kay- First of all I want to say good for you! It takes a lot of courage to wonder if you have been acting in a narcissistic manner and to be willing to change. Just the fact that you want to know the truth puts you head and shoulders above most. I too have acted in narcissistic ways towards my own daughters and worked hard to break the cycle. It isn’t easy. However, in the long run, it is worth it.

      I hope to write a book on breaking the cycle. Here is a blog post https://daughtersrising.info/2019/02/14/how-to-listen-to-your-daughter-without-giving-advice/ that might help. Also, look at my video talk on How to give your daughter the self-esteem you never got from your mother on this site. Also, there are tons of freebies on this site. In a nutshell, you want to let your daughters life be just that- her life, not your do-over. Learn to listen to her and place her feelings above your need to be right. Since she is 14 you do need to set rules. Make sure those rules are clear and without too much emotion. I like the book How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen. Keep in mind I have taken and still take my own medicine.. and will say raising a 14-year-old is uber tricky. Sometimes a 14-year-old will just “hate mom” and you’ve done nothing wrong.
      Her is a great bonus- when you break a cycle of narcissism and dysfunction you heal yourself and will be doing all you can to heal the generations to come. Thanks for writing and best of luck. Keep checking back for more material and updates.

      Reply
  3. EM says

    July 1, 2019 at 10:08 pm

    I wrote a comment… then erased it realizing it was a super passive-aggressive comment about my parents (my therapist wants me to get in touch with my anger, at which point I… giggle nervously. But working on it!)

    This article made me happy. I’ve got some things to straighten out before I have kids, but I do want to have them one day, and this is a reassuring counter point to my own narrative of anxiety surrounding my future parenting skills. I don’t know much about some things, but I know a LOT about other things, and my best just… has to be good enough. And my future partner, who will have to have a secure attachment style :), will be there too!

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      December 31, 2020 at 3:12 am

      Good for you EM.
      Yes you can use your past pain to help you navigate a thoughtful loving future for your children. Keep an open mind and continue to educate yourself and you will be fine.

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

The Good Daughter's Guide to Freedom

5 ways to break free and take back your life

Get my Guide

Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

Read more.

Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
5.0
powered by Google
Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
See All Reviews

Follow Along

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • The “Good Daughter” Syndrome Course
  • Daughters Rising Book
  • The “Good Daughter” Syndrome Quiz
Angel-Wings-150
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • About Katherine Fabrizio

Copyright © 2021 · Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in