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How To Listen To Your Daughter Instead Of Giving Advice

February 14, 2019 by Katherine Fabrizio

You know the feeling. You are just itching to give advice, but you can sense it isn’t the best thing to do.

( how to listen to your daughter instead of giving advice and why you should)

You’ve noticed:

-Your advice always seems to fall on deaf ears.
-You can talk yourself blue… but your advice seems to go in one ear and out the other.
-From the depths of your experience, you give her your very best hard-won, heartfelt advice. Then, she turns around and ignores it, or does the complete opposite.-Or worse, your daughter appears to listen & seems to agree, only to proceed precisely the way she was going to in the first place as if you never said a thing.

“Why even try?”, you ask yourself, exhausted.

You wished you had someone there for you the way you’re there for her, caring enough to listen.

When it isn’t making you ill as a hornet, her dismissal is breaking your heart. You have so much to offer your daughter, so much pain to spare her, and she just throws your advice away like yesterday’s news.

You sense she needs something more from you but, for the life of you,  you don’t know what.

If this happens more than you care to admit, and resentment has begun to set in, perhaps it is time to take a step back and re-evaluate your approach.

Ask yourself- Do you want to be right? Or would you rather feel close and connected?

Is this the time for setting her straight?  Or is it the time to lay the groundwork for trust and emotional safety.

Getting clear on this may be harder than you think.

If you are like so many mothers, you feel intense internal pressure to be right, to have the answers. In this culture, most mothers do feel pressure to fix things for their daughters.  They are tasked with the competing demands of being everything to their daughters while, simultaneously, letting them go.

Nevermind it is impossible to do both at once.

What can you do?

If it is a more significant connection you want, you will be ready to reassess your approach.

To that end, you can increase your sense of connection by asking questions that keep the focus on your daughter who is struggling, rather than telling her what to do.

6 Questions To Ask Instead Of Giving Advice- (when you’d rather be close than be right)

1. What do you see as your options in this situation?

2. How do you understand the problem?

3. What do you feel is at stake here?

4. What is it that you want out of the situation?

5. If you could bring yourself to do anything, what would that be?

6. What kind of outcome would you consider a success?

By asking follow-up questions, you convey that you trust the intelligence, sensitivity, and competence of your daughter.

This helps her feel valued instead of corrected.

When she feels valued, she will be more open and less guarded with you. And, over time, being open and accepted strengthens the connection and builds feelings of trust.

If it is connection you want, you have to demonstrate that you care more than you need to be right.

When you ask questions rather than give answers and opinions,  you show her you believe in her ability to figure things out for herself. What’s more, when you have nurtured a genuine connection, any advice ( when it is asked for) actually has a better chance of landing.

As a therapist to women for 30 years, I see that many women, especially mothers,  feel that they need to provide answers. Many times their daughters don’t need answers as much as they need witness, acceptance, warmth, and connection.

If they don’t explicitly ask for advice, many times they know what they should do… they just have trouble implementing it. When she talks it out with you, she feels connected and supported. This will help your relationship and, ultimately, help her carry out what she knows is right- for her.

If I could put a bug in many a mother’s ear of a grown daughter, this is what I would say.-

” Your daughter is trusting you with her struggle. Listen generously, and only give advice that is asked for. You need to make sure that your daughter feels heard, accepted, and valued before you give advice.”

As a mother, I know it is hard to forgo being the one with the answers. But, if you let your daughter come to her own solutions as you support her, the payoff is huge.

 

You will feel more connected, and she will be more willing to come to you again and share her struggles all the while helping you grow closer.

It’s all part of the important work of letting your daughter go. It is the hardest gift to give her but the most important gift to give.

To find out if you suffer from the good daughter syndrome- take the quiz here!

 

When you feel connected, your daughter will be more willing to come to you again and share her struggles.. while helping you grow closer. Click To Tweet Your daughter is trusting you with her struggle. Listen generously, and only give advice that is asked for. Click To Tweet How To Listen To Your Daughter Instead Of Giving Advice Click To Tweet If it is connection you want, you have to demonstrate that you care more than you need to be right. Click To Tweet

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues

Comments

  1. Patti Downing says

    February 5, 2020 at 4:52 pm

    I offer general knowledge when I read or hear it. I NEVER GIVE ADVICE UNLESS ASKED—-So why does she still go on super blast when I email just a piece of information that I learned to pass on—same as to pass on to a neighbor, a friend or my husband. JUST NEW KNOWLEDGE , SOMETHING I may have read in the New York Times, or saw on TV—I still get attacked for breaking boundaries—and it is just something like a health tip !!! Or information to get the new REAL ID for your drivers license–which is a lot now a days because of immigration. Just stuff like that ???

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      March 25, 2020 at 2:33 pm

      I’m really glad you asked this. As a mother of two daughters myself, I recently ran into this. I was texting my youngest daughter about social distancing and she got very defensive. She suggested we talk person to person about it. Good call. When we talked she said she knew I didn’t mean it that way but that it felt like I was not trusting her to keep up on the issues herself and that I was treating her like a child. I defended myself ( of course LOL) but ultimately agreed that although it wasn’t what I intended I could understand how it felt that way to her. I told her I texted her and got right to the point so as not to waste her time and because I was afraid for her. But I wanted to have a good relationship with her more than I needed to be right. I then listened to her understanding of the issues. We decided to take any discussion like that offline and have a person to person discussion.
      I think it is especially hard for those of us living in an era where kids, even grown ones, have access to information. We are no longer a sole source of information and are used to being the authority and would feel negligent, NOT sharing. It’s tough, isn’t it? As I said to my daughter, I’m still a work in progress and continue to learn and navigate this new era. As long as we are talking we seem to be able to navigate each tough spot. Mostly I want to foster an atmosphere of two imperfect people working out a relationship that feels good to both of us. Being able to get it “wrong” and hearing that from her seems to help. Good luck. It’s hard being a momma that tries. I’m learning with you.

      Reply

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The Good Daughter's Guide to Freedom

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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