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Calling Mom Out Can Be Hard. This Could Help.

November 15, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

You have been stuffing your feelings for so long because you are afraid of standing up to mom. Yet, the anger and resentment have built up to a point you know you need to say something. You’re thinking about calling her out. So, you finally get up the courage to speak your truth and it hits you like ton of bricks- this is going to hurt mom. You feel guilty for calling mom out.

What’s more, she will probably become defensive and even deny she has done anything to hurt you. Mom can seem downright evil some days and then you get a glimpse of the insecurity she feels right beneath the surface and she seems so fragile. This keeps you stuck. You can’t help but think, your compassionate nature is working against you. The good daughter of the difficult mother wants very much to feel love from her mother. She feels compassion for mom and doesn’t want to hurt her. This is a tricky combination.

Calling mom out is done with a heavy heart. 

Transcript-

This is Katherine Fabrizio, with help for the good daughter suffering from the Good Daughter Syndrome.

One very complicated aspect of doing this kind of work and setting boundaries, finding your voice, claiming your life, is that you know what you have to say is going to be, on some level, hurtful to someone who you also love.

Even if you’re mad at her, you’re just so frustrated and could strangle her, you know that what you’re saying is going to be deeply unsettling on some level.

So, I find that women really want to think about this, how they do it, and it’s very important to be kind and compassionate and non-blaming, non-name calling. This needs to be gone about with care and compassion.

 


Postscript-

There are no easy answers, but I think it would be a mistake to only blame mom. Make no mistake- I am relentless in naming the many ways this good daughter dynamic is harmful to daughters.  Yet, I think I would be is remiss to lose sight of the attachment between mothers and daughters. Daughters feel a mix of feelings love and hate that compliment and contradict each other. And why wouldn’t they, mothers and daughters share so much.

Standing up to mom is hard- for good reason. There is an attachment to her, even if it is a painful one much of the time. You only have one mother. I don’t say that to make you feel guilty. Quite the contrary, in fact. After counseling women for over 30 years, here is the truth. I’m calling it as I know it-

If you don’t acknowledge the mix of feelings you will not be able to hold your ground when you confront mom’s hurtful behavior. You will crumble in a heap of guilt.

Even when you need to stand your ground, speak out and call out mom’s hurtful behavior. Understanding there are many daughters who are hurting and many mothers who are limited and impaired is a starting place. You are not alone. At times a daughter needs to speak her mind to clear the air even if her mother cannot take in what she is saying or hear her. Speaking your truth helps you.

Sometimes mom can’t or won’t come along. That’s ok.

To speak your truth is freeing and liberating. Do it for yourself. You are creating a new reality for yourself. You might say, “Mom – I feel ( frustrated, angry, sad, dismissed, forgotten) when you ( criticize, dismiss, ignore) me.   I want to have a good relationship with you but this gets in the way of that.” With kindness, understanding and the conviction that we, as women, can do better.

As daughters rising we must lead the way. Strong and kind don’t have to cancel each other out. Gratitude and truth-telling can coexist.

Find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

The change starts with you- Tweet it out

The good daughter of the difficult mother wants very much to feel love from her mother. She feels compassion for mom and doesn't want to hurt her. Click To Tweet” username=”daughterrising”]

Daughters feel a mix of feelings love and hate that compliment and contradict each other. And why wouldn't they, mothers and daughters share so much. Click To Tweet To speak your truth is freeing and liberating. Do it for yourself. You are creating a new reality for yourself. Click To Tweet When speaking your truth to your mother strong and kind don't have to cancel each other out. Gratitude and truth-telling can coexist. This is the new mother/daughter paradigm. Click To Tweet So, you finally get up the courage to speak your truth and it hits you like ton of bricks- this is going to hurt mom. You feel guilty for calling mom out. Click To Tweet Sometimes a daughter needs to speak her mind to clear the air even if her mother cannot take in what she is saying or hear her. Speaking your truth helps you. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

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Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: call-out, calling mom out, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Mom, standing up to mom, truth

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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