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#MeToo & Mom -When Mom Doesn’t Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused

February 21, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

When #MeToo & Mom comes home.

What happens when a mother does not protect her daughter from sexual abuse?

What about when she doesn’t believe her daughter when she tells her she has been sexually abused?

Her daughter feels a deep level of betrayal she may not even fully get over. This is a horrible phenomenon and a shadow side of mothering failure. The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted is horrible enough, but when your mother doesn’t believe you or protect you, you suffer a secondary trauma.

 

 

Here are some of my thoughts stemming from over 30 years of counseling women in psychotherapy in the transcript of a recent video.

Good morning, it’s Katherine Fabrizio with help for the adult daughter of the narcissistic or otherwise difficult mother trapped in the role of the good daughter. So many women remain silent and never reveal that they were sexually abused or assaulted in the first place.

You know, this morning I was thinking about, with all the sexual assault and sexual abuse allegations in the news, what I see so much in my practice is the primary trauma of the original sexual assault or sexual abuse is horrific and terrible enough and many women keep these incidents secret and carry them to their grave because they feel guilty.

Why do so many women remain silent? They blame themselves if they were in, in a position… say they were in a place where they feel like they shouldn’t have been or they were dressed in a way that they feel like they shouldn’t have been or they were drinking or on and on and on and on- they put the blame on themselves. So many women in this good daughter role are trained to please other people and be good, which many times involves not being sexual.

Lack of reporting sexual assault/abuse cuts right to the heart of the conflict women feel about their sexuality. So many women feel ashamed about their sexuality at its core and mom doesn’t help. Mixed messages mothers give to daughters abound. Mom is conflicted and therefore she passes these messages down to her daughter. “Look good but not too good.”

What happens when women speak up and mom doesn’t protect them? Many women don’t speak up, but if they do and when they do  … tell their mothers or  the other women in their life and they’re not believed or they might be believed, but the mom says, and I’m going to quote from a comment I got from an article I wrote this week, ” I’ve got two kids to raise and, you know, I’m sorry your stepfather’s doing that to you, but there’s really nothing I can do. This is killing me. You’re making me choose between you.”

“Oh, my God.” From that particular client who sent in the comment this week, she, in particular, has lived with this her whole adult life and stayed close to a mother who never stood up for her and protected her.

Now I think it’s very complicated because women haven’t had the economic power that men have had. Some may, quote-unquote need to stay in that relationship. I think it’s very complicated, but what I want to speak to is what it does to the daughters who dare to speak up. I see this so many times… that they dare to speak up and are not believed or are not protected by their moms.

What message does it send when mothers don’t believe or don’t protect their own daughters? It damages daughters forever. They don’t and can’t trust ever again in quite the same way. I mean, what are they supposed to do with that? It sets them up for a lifetime of incredible internal conflict.

How are they supposed to go forward? How are they supposed to look at men and, and decide, you know, what you do for a man and what you don’t do for man?  When do you sell your soul?

What kind of Faustian bargain have you entered into? Many times it’s a mother who they’re taking care of or they’re looking to for identity and role modeling. When this person becomes mute or overlooks it or it’s, it’s just incredibly life damaging and has to stop!

What can women do instead? Yes, people should be allowed due process and all that, but when your daughter speaks up or your best friend speaks up, or women that you work with speaks up, you can take her seriously. You can become curious. You can ask caring, inquisitive questions that don’t imply a “what did you do? You know, what was your part in it”. Don’t imply that because a person was drinking or wore a certain outfit or, went on a date that gives the man permission to force himself on her. Or if it’s at work, and somebody’s in a higher position, they can say anything they want to somebody in a lower position.

What Sexual assault and abuse is, and is not about;

1. It’s about power. It’s not about sexuality.

2. It’s not about being good.

3. It’s not about being pretty.

4. It’s not about being feminine.

What to do instead – Believe your daughter. Ask her thoughtful questions & empathize.Don’t make your daughter feel like she’s alone or to blame, whatever you do.

 

As mothers and daughters let’s nip this in the bud. At least put a stop to the mother/daughter component of it. Time’s up. The time is now for mothers to stand up to, believe, and protect their daughters.

Find out if you are suffering from the “good daughter” syndrome here.

 

If you or someone you love needs immediate help please go here to learn more https://www.rainn.org/

 

Here are tweets for you to speak your truth.

The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted is horrible enough, but when your mother doesn't believe you or protect you, you suffer a secondary trauma. Click To Tweet So many women remain silent and never reveal that they were sexually abused or assaulted in the first place. This only compounds the shame that they feel. Click To Tweet Lack of reporting sexual assault/abuse cuts right to the heart of the conflict women feel about their sexuality. Click To Tweet #MeToo & Mom -When Mom Doesn’t Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused Click To Tweet What message does it send when mothers don't believe or protect their daughters when they speak up about sexual abuse or assault? Click To Tweet

 

Find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

This article was originally published by https://psychcentral.com/

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

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Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Parenting Issues Tagged With: Daughters, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Double Standards, feminism, Mom, sexual abuse, sexual assault

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
5.0
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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