There’s usually a last straw, a deal-breaker, the final insult you just can’t ignore. You find yourself seriously asking…, ” Should I go no contact with my mother?”.
Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat. Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.
You’ve reached the end of your rope, the last straw, and you can’t let her treat you this way.
Frankly, you don’t know what else to do.
Let me help you. I’ve lead hundreds of women just like you through the process of deciding if you should go no contact.
Below is your complete guide to help you decide.
At what point do you say ENOUGH?! Enough abuse, dysfunction, bullying, momma drama, intrusion, insults, and toxicity for one lifetime, you say.
Almost every daughter of a difficult mother I see in psychotherapy struggles with where to draw the line, and if to draw a hard line with her mother.
What does this look like in real life?
Seated on my psychotherapy couch, Sarah is in agony. ” I just can’t take one more discussion of my faults. Nothing is ever good enough for her. No matter what I do… she weighs in with criticism and judgment. I get off the phone in tears feeling terrible about myself. Who needs that? I’d be better off never talking to her again.”
In a later session, Emily says, “Mom’s a black hole. I constantly take care of her and have nothing left for myself. Her neediness is sucking the life out of me. Everything turns into a drama, and whatever happens, it’s always my fault. When will this end?”
Still later, Susan says,” My mother is toxic. She poisons everything she touches. She twists the truth and manipulates constantly to make herself look good instead of owing up to anything. I’ve had it with her lies and manipulations. After what she said to me yesterday, I am never speaking to that woman again!”
Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat. Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.
There’s just no coming back from this one- you tell yourself.
Maybe she’s criticized you for the last time or created so much unnecessary drama she has exhausted all the goodwill, second chances, or patience you’ve got in you. Or you’ve exhausted yourself trying to please her and find…nothing is ever good enough for her.
Either way, you are out of emotional gas.
In the course of a psychotherapy day, I hear more than one daughter trapped in the role of the “good daughter” of a difficult mother struggle with this one agonizing question, “Should I cut my mother off and go no contact?”
Daughters of difficult mothers can’t imagine taking the abuse indefinitely, and they see only one way out… no contact.
This is indeed an option. In fact, sometimes it is the only acceptable option. Especially for daughters of mothers who fall on the antisocial, sociopathic end of the psychological spectrum, cutting off all contact can be the only way to save yourself.
So asking, should I go no contact with my mother? The short answer is probably “yes” if your mother is one of those Moms.
How can you tell?
When you feeling calm and not in a reactive mode, ask yourself:
- Does Mom regularly break the law, lie, steal, or cheat without any show of remorse?
- Is she intentionally cruel and seems to take pleasure in causing others misery?
- Does she possess no capacity for empathy… no matter the circumstance?
This kind of Mom is frankly, rare. She is, however, someone you need to protect yourself from. If you can be 100% sure she is incapable of acting with basic human emotions, you need to get away… and fast. No contact is definitely in order.
But, for the majority of narcissistic, borderline, or personality disordered moms, many of whom land somewhere on a spectrum, you have other options to exercise before you deploy the nuclear option- going no contact.
Ask yourself, is Mom controlling, manipulative, and self-centered because it works for her or when her back is up against the wall? When the heat is off and she doesn’t feel threatened, can she show some empathy? Does she follow the rules in some aspect of her life, even when it isn’t to her advantage?
* I want to be sure you know- if your answer is yes, that doesn’t make Mom’s behavior okay in my book… not by a long shot. It just means she has other, more human psychological tools in her toolbox, ones that she can revert to using even if they are not her go-to default behaviors.
(You just have to give her enough reason to use them- but more on that later.)
Feeling you have little choice and you may…
- Insist Mom admit she is wrong and her daughter (you) are right.
- Insist Mom get into therapy and work on changing herself.
- Insist Mom change her personality.
And if not, you will go NO CONTACT! And if that’s what you are sure you want, to go no contact then go ahead by all means. Otherwise… not so fast.
What’s wrong with that you say? Mom is wrong and she needs to admit it before anything can change. She is the one that is messed up and needs help. Isn’t that obvious!
While I would totally agree with you on the points you make, in my experience, this approach almost never goes well.
You see Mom’s ways of thinking and doing things has been ingrained over years and years. She is very practiced at it and is unlikely to make a % 180-degree turn.
If you give Mom this kind of ultimatum, you are likely to get defensive push-back rather than the hoped-for concession.
But why, you ask? “I’m only asking for her to own her part in the dysfunction and agree to change her ways. Is that too much to ask”
The answer isn’t so much about what is fair… as it is about what is possible.
A mother whose personality structure has been dependent on deflecting blame and criticism is virtually allergic to taking responsibility for her actions. She will hardly EVER admit to being wrong, think she needs therapy, or commit to acting differently- at least, not in this lifetime.
Think of it this way: Mom has been using her defense mechanisms for pretty much her entire life, certainly way before you came along. As such, she will have encountered resistance to her ways. If none of the consequences she has encountered thus far has been enough to make her reconsider and self-reflect, she is unlikely to give them up now.
In her mind, admitting she is wrong, messed up, or needs to change will dismantle her entire psychologically constructed house of cards. She will fight to the psychological death to give it up even if it destroys all her relationships in the process.
That doesn’t make it right but it does make it real.
Yes, if Mom is that difficult, her walls are going to be hard to breach.
Does that mean Mom is hopeless and you have no other choice but to go no contact? I would argue- no, not right away- if at all. But, the change that needs to happen is within you. You have to get clear on the fact that you matter.
“Why is this so hard for me to do!”
Well, you see, the thing you need to do is the thing that is hardest for you to do. This is because you have had NO practice or support claiming your needs. Life as the Good daughter has revolved around your mother’s needs, moods, and preferences. It’s like a muscle you’ve hardly ever used. So it’s all but atrophied.
You don’t know that your needs, preferences, and opinions count TOO. Not yet, anyway.
Ironically, demanding your mother change (and deep down knowing she won’t ) is just another version of making her the one that matters. Put her on the defensive and you will be dealt an onslaught of excuses, deflections, accusations, and well-worn arguments. Either that or she will play the victim and crumble in a heap of tears designed to disarm you. Most difficult mothers have black belts in launching an offense as the best defense or playing the victim so you won’t hold her accountable. She’s been in training for this one her whole life.
What’s more, Before you know it- IT’S. ALL. ABOUT. HER…. AGAIN!
Here’s the other problem with deploying the “no contact” option right out of the gate.
After the anger subsides, and the amnesia of time washes over you, you are in danger of succumbing to the biggest boundary caving emotion of all- GUILT! Especially for the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good” daughter, guilt has her in a vise grip. When the guilt sets in, I usually hear some variation of, “But she’s my MOTHER. She did the best she could. She didn’t let me starve. I’ll give her that. Besides, what would she do without me? I can’t cut my own mother off, can I?”
BUT- let me tell you, feeling guilty and being guilty are two different things. You may feel guilty that you are destroying her life but only be guilty of wanting a healthy boundaried relationship.
You have to be prepared to not let her knock you off your game at the first sign of resistance.
Also, if you have some tenderness in your relationship with your Mom, guilt can swamp you and kill off your resolve as soon as you can say ” Mother May I?” Then, before you know it, you are back in the subservient position with Mom apologizing for upsetting her.
YUK! This was not exactly what you had in mind!
The truth is…. when you lay down any version of “this isn’t working for me ” it will cause some upset. Mom isn’t all of a sudden going to roll over and acquiesce. Nope, she is going to kick up a fuss of some kind- even if the fuss comes in the form of the silent treatment.
What is another approach?
An alternative (which may or may not lead up to no contact depending on Mom’s response) is to set a boundary around something that is important to you but isn’t the biggest issue you have with Mom. The key is to make sure it is something that is within your control.
5 examples of setting boundaries that are within your control.
- Telling Mom you aren’t ready/willing to share when she asks you something too personal.
- Returning Mom’s emails or phone calls on your schedule instead of hers.
- Telling Mom, right or wrong, you need to make your own adult decisions despite how she may feel about them.
- Telling Mom you are going to spend the holidays with your in-laws.
- Telling Mom you will have to agree to disagree on a political or religious issue.
What are the advantages of setting a boundary first – even if you ultimately go no contact down the road?
- You can set a small (low emotional )boundary and expect and prepare for some push back. That way you can build the self-reliance muscle one small rep at a time.
- You come from a place of thoughtful intention instead of defensive reaction.
- Setting a boundary this way enhances your self-esteem and sense of sovereignty over your life.
*In this way you are signaling to Mom that you are taking charge of your life. You are the boss of you! Imagine that?
Here’s a little-acknowledged secret- as powerless as you are used to feeling, you ultimately hold the power now that you are an adult.
What?????? That’s right. As an adult, you get to decide how much contact you have with your Mom. And here’s another little secret. Despite her actions, and sometimes because of them …deep down… she knows it too.
As a child, she had the power. As an adult, you hold the power.
This is your first task. To realize and accept the full extent of your power. Her actions, no matter how misguided are designed to keep you from knowing this essential truth. Because when you realize it… she loses her hold on you.
Yes, it’s that simple.
So with that in mind-
Now you need to decide what is and is not okay with you, communicate it, and stick to your guns.
That means, know what you plan to do if Mom crosses a line or exhibits a behavior you have decided is off-limits. Setting the limit doesn’t involve controlling her, but taking control of yourself. This is the key.
What would this look like?
Walk away, stop talking, end the phone conversation, ” Mom I’m going to hang up now”, ” Mom I’m not willing to talk about x with you anymore” ” Mom, I’ll let you know if I change my mind about x, disengage. These are choices that are within your power. It’s that simple and that hard but the effort is more internal than external.
Will Mom go along? I expect not! When you set those expectations and communicate them most daughters say, “My mother won’t go for that.”
To that I say, of course, she won’t. If, you were to wait for mom to realize the error of her ways you might be waiting a lifetime. Because mom has always called the shots in your relationship you assume that’s the way it will always be.
In this healthier scenario, you aren’t asking her for permission, you are deciding for yourself the kind of adult relationship you want.
Big difference. It’s time to take the reins of your own life. Having her in your life, or not, is your choice. You didn’t choose your mother but you can choose how you relate (or if you relate) to the mother you have.
Now let’s get down to the process that can get you there.
3 mindest shifts to prepare-
AWARENESS– consider what it costs you when you abdicate your power to mom and let her call the shots. Are you going to live your life for your mother forever?
CONFIDENCE -find your voice and learn what stating your boundaries and limits sounds like, how to say it, and, what to say.
RESOLVE– steady yourself for the inevitable pushback you get when you set those boundaries. Did I say pushback? A tsunami of resistance would be more like it. You need to be emotionally prepared.
Will this be easy? Not on your life.
In fact, whether you get a minor tremor or a significant earthquake of resistance, is directly proportional to the level of dysfunction in your relationship. A healthy, balanced relationship involves both parties who consider each other’s interests and compromise.
While the resistance is undeniably upsetting, it also holds incredibly valuable information. When your reasonable request touches off explosive resistance, you know you have unearthed a landmine of dysfunction. And, you can’t deal with something you don’t know is there.
Then, depending on how mom responds- this is a great litmus test to see if Mom has defenses that are going to be problematic and unchangeable or if she can reverse course.
If you are clear and have internal resolve (admittedly a huge task), the rest will fall into place.
Not easily, or smoothly, but developing internal resolve is essential for your own healing whether or not your mother ever changes. By taking the upper hand, you have flipped the dynamics of the relationship. For the first part of your life, mom held the power. Now it’s your turn.
So, in summary – when you ask, “should I go no contact with my mother” remember –
Whether you go low contact, no contact, or “I’m taking a break for now” contact, if you have communicated your needs and limits, you can let her decide the level of contact by her actions and response. In effect you are saying, ” Mom here is where I stand, you decide how you will show up in my life.”
In this way, you take control of your life instead of hoping she will change.
*A Bonus- you don’t have to shoulder all of the responsibility of deciding whether or not you and your mother have a relationship. With a wake-up call, mom may alter her approach. You don’t know until you try. Then, making the call about how much contact you want is based on real-life data.
One thing is for certain, hoping mom will change is not a strategy. Whatever her response, by exercising your power in this way, you build your confidence, and start living life on your own terms.
And that is always a good place to start no matter where you end up!
To find out if you are trapped in the role of the good daughter go here.
Where are you in this?
Let me know in the comments.
