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Should I Go No Contact With My Mother?

January 12, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

There’s usually a last straw, a deal-breaker, the final insult you just can’t ignore.  You find yourself seriously asking…, ” Should I go no contact with my mother?”.

Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat.  Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.

You’ve reached the end of your rope, the last straw, and you can’t let her treat you this way.

Frankly, you don’t know what else to do.

Let me help you. I’ve lead hundreds of women just like you through the process of deciding if you should go no contact.

Below is your complete guide to help you decide.

At what point do you say ENOUGH?! Enough abuse, dysfunction, bullying, momma drama, intrusion, insults, and toxicity for one lifetime, you say.

Almost every daughter of a difficult mother I see in psychotherapy struggles with where to draw the line, and if to draw a hard line with her mother.

What does this look like in real life?

Seated on my psychotherapy couch, Sarah is in agony. ” I just can’t take one more discussion of my faults. Nothing is ever good enough for her. No matter what I do… she weighs in with criticism and judgment.  I get off the phone in tears feeling terrible about myself. Who needs that? I’d be better off never talking to her again.” 

In a later session, Emily says, “Mom’s a black hole. I constantly take care of her and have nothing left for myself. Her neediness is sucking the life out of me. Everything turns into a drama, and whatever happens, it’s always my fault. When will this end?”

Still later, Susan says,” My mother is toxic. She poisons everything she touches. She twists the truth and manipulates constantly to make herself look good instead of owing up to anything. I’ve had it with her lies and manipulations. After what she said to me yesterday, I am never speaking to that woman again!”

Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat.  Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.

There’s just no coming back from this one- you tell yourself.

Maybe she’s criticized you for the last time or created so much unnecessary drama she has exhausted all the goodwill, second chances, or patience you’ve got in you. Or you’ve exhausted yourself trying to please her and find…nothing is ever good enough for her.

Either way, you are out of emotional gas.

In the course of a psychotherapy day, I hear more than one daughter trapped in the role of the “good daughter”  of a difficult mother struggle with this one agonizing question, “Should I cut my mother off and go no contact?” 

Daughters of difficult mothers can’t imagine taking the abuse indefinitely, and they see only one way out… no contact.

This is indeed an option. In fact, sometimes it is the only acceptable option. Especially for daughters of mothers who fall on the antisocial, sociopathic end of the psychological spectrum, cutting off all contact can be the only way to save yourself.

So asking, should I go no contact with my mother? The short answer is probably “yes” if your mother is one of those Moms.

How can you tell?

When you feeling calm and not in a reactive mode, ask yourself:

  • Does Mom regularly break the law, lie, steal, or cheat without any show of remorse?
  • Is she intentionally cruel and seems to take pleasure in causing others misery?
  • Does she possess no capacity for empathy… no matter the circumstance?

 

This kind of Mom is frankly, rare. She is, however, someone you need to protect yourself from. If you can be 100% sure she is incapable of acting with basic human emotions, you need to get away… and fast. No contact is definitely in order.

But, for the majority of narcissistic, borderline, or personality disordered moms, many of whom land somewhere on a spectrum, you have other options to exercise before you deploy the nuclear option- going no contact.

Ask yourself, is Mom controlling, manipulative, and self-centered because it works for her or when her back is up against the wall? When the heat is off and she doesn’t feel threatened, can she show some empathy? Does she follow the rules in some aspect of her life, even when it isn’t to her advantage?

* I want to be sure you know- if your answer is yes, that doesn’t make Mom’s behavior okay in my book… not by a long shot. It just means she has other, more human psychological tools in her toolbox, ones that she can revert to using even if they are not her go-to default behaviors.

(You just have to give her enough reason to use them- but more on that later.)

 Feeling you have little choice and you may…

  1.  Insist Mom admit she is wrong and her daughter (you) are right.
  2. Insist Mom get into therapy and work on changing herself.
  3. Insist Mom change her personality.

And if not, you will go NO CONTACT! And if that’s what you are sure you want, to go no contact then go ahead by all means. Otherwise… not so fast.

What’s wrong with that you say? Mom is wrong and she needs to admit it before anything can change. She is the one that is messed up and needs help. Isn’t that obvious!

While I would totally agree with you on the points you make, in my experience, this approach almost never goes well.

You see Mom’s ways of thinking and doing things has been ingrained over years and years. She is very practiced at it and is unlikely to make a % 180-degree turn.

If you give Mom this kind of ultimatum, you are likely to get defensive push-back rather than the hoped-for concession.

 

But why, you ask? “I’m only asking for her to own her part in the dysfunction and agree to change her ways. Is that too much to ask”

The answer isn’t so much about what is fair… as it is about what is possible.

A mother whose personality structure has been dependent on deflecting blame and criticism is virtually allergic to taking responsibility for her actions. She will hardly EVER admit to being wrong, think she needs therapy, or commit to acting differently- at least, not in this lifetime.

Think of it this way: Mom has been using her defense mechanisms for pretty much her entire life, certainly way before you came along. As such, she will have encountered resistance to her ways. If none of the consequences she has encountered thus far has been enough to make her reconsider and self-reflect,  she is unlikely to give them up now.

In her mind, admitting she is wrong, messed up, or needs to change will dismantle her entire psychologically constructed house of cards. She will fight to the psychological death to give it up even if it destroys all her relationships in the process.

That doesn’t make it right but it does make it real. 

Yes, if Mom is that difficult, her walls are going to be hard to breach.

Does that mean Mom is hopeless and you have no other choice but to go no contact? I would argue- no, not right away- if at all. But, the change that needs to happen is within you. You have to get clear on the fact that you matter.

“Why is this so hard for me to do!”

Well, you see, the thing you need to do is the thing that is hardest for you to do. This is because you have had NO practice or support claiming your needs. Life as the Good daughter has revolved around your mother’s needs, moods, and preferences. It’s like a muscle you’ve hardly ever used. So it’s all but atrophied.

You don’t know that your needs, preferences, and opinions count TOO. Not yet, anyway. 

Ironically, demanding your mother change (and deep down knowing she won’t ) is just another version of making her the one that matters. Put her on the defensive and you will be dealt an onslaught of excuses, deflections, accusations, and well-worn arguments.  Either that or she will play the victim and crumble in a heap of tears designed to disarm you. Most difficult mothers have black belts in launching an offense as the best defense or playing the victim so you won’t hold her accountable. She’s been in training for this one her whole life.

What’s more, Before you know it- IT’S. ALL. ABOUT. HER…. AGAIN!

Here’s the other problem with deploying the “no contact” option right out of the gate.

After the anger subsides, and the amnesia of time washes over you, you are in danger of succumbing to the biggest boundary caving emotion of all- GUILT!  Especially for the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good” daughter, guilt has her in a vise grip. When the guilt sets in, I usually hear some variation of, “But she’s my MOTHER. She did the best she could. She didn’t let me starve. I’ll give her that. Besides, what would she do without me?  I can’t cut my own mother off, can I?”

BUT- let me tell you, feeling guilty and being guilty are two different things. You may feel guilty that you are destroying her life but only be guilty of wanting a healthy boundaried relationship.

You have to be prepared to not let her knock you off your game at the first sign of resistance.

Also, if you have some tenderness in your relationship with your Mom, guilt can swamp you and kill off your resolve as soon as you can say ” Mother May I?” Then, before you know it, you are back in the subservient position with Mom apologizing for upsetting her.

YUK! This was not exactly what you had in mind!

The truth is…. when you lay down any version of “this isn’t working for me ” it will cause some upset. Mom isn’t all of a sudden going to roll over and acquiesce. Nope, she is going to kick up a fuss of some kind- even if the fuss comes in the form of the silent treatment.

What is another approach?

An alternative (which may or may not lead up to no contact depending on Mom’s response)  is to set a boundary around something that is important to you but isn’t the biggest issue you have with Mom.  The key is to make sure it is something that is within your control.

5 examples of setting boundaries that are within your control.

  1. Telling Mom you aren’t ready/willing to share when she asks you something too personal.
  2. Returning Mom’s emails or phone calls on your schedule instead of hers.
  3. Telling Mom, right or wrong, you need to make your own adult decisions despite how she may feel about them.
  4. Telling Mom you are going to spend the holidays with your in-laws.
  5. Telling Mom you will have to agree to disagree on a political or religious issue.

What are the advantages of setting a boundary first – even if you ultimately go no contact down the road?

  • You can set a small (low emotional )boundary and expect and prepare for some push back. That way you can build the self-reliance muscle one small rep at a time.
  • You come from a place of thoughtful intention instead of defensive reaction.
  • Setting a boundary this way enhances your self-esteem and sense of sovereignty over your life.

*In this way you are signaling to Mom that you are taking charge of your life. You are the boss of you! Imagine that?  

Here’s a little-acknowledged secret- as powerless as you are used to feeling, you ultimately hold the power now that you are an adult.

What?????? That’s right. As an adult, you get to decide how much contact you have with your Mom. And here’s another little secret. Despite her actions, and sometimes because of them …deep down… she knows it too.

As a child, she had the power. As an adult, you hold the power. 

This is your first task. To realize and accept the full extent of your power. Her actions, no matter how misguided are designed to keep you from knowing this essential truth. Because when you realize it… she loses her hold on you.

Yes, it’s that simple.

So with that in mind-

Now you need to decide what is and is not okay with you, communicate it, and stick to your guns. 

That means, know what you plan to do if Mom crosses a line or exhibits a behavior you have decided is off-limits. Setting the limit doesn’t involve controlling her, but taking control of yourself. This is the key.

What would this look like?

Walk away, stop talking, end the phone conversation, ” Mom I’m going to hang up now”, ” Mom I’m not willing to talk about x with you anymore” ” Mom, I’ll let you know if I change my mind about x, disengage. These are choices that are within your power. It’s that simple and that hard but the effort is more internal than external.

Will Mom go along? I expect not!  When you set those expectations and communicate them most daughters say, “My mother won’t go for that.”

To that I say, of course, she won’t. If, you were to wait for mom to realize the error of her ways you might be waiting a lifetime.  Because mom has always called the shots in your relationship you assume that’s the way it will always be. 

In this healthier scenario, you aren’t asking her for permission, you are deciding for yourself the kind of adult relationship you want. 

Big difference. It’s time to take the reins of your own life. Having her in your life, or not, is your choice. You didn’t choose your mother but you can choose how you relate (or if you relate) to the mother you have.

Now let’s get down to the process that can get you there.

 3 mindest shifts to prepare- 

AWARENESS–  consider what it costs you when you abdicate your power to mom and let her call the shots. Are you going to live your life for your mother forever?

CONFIDENCE -find your voice and learn what stating your boundaries and limits sounds like, how to say it, and, what to say.

RESOLVE– steady yourself for the inevitable pushback you get when you set those boundaries. Did I say pushback? A tsunami of resistance would be more like it. You need to be emotionally prepared.

Will this be easy? Not on your life.

In fact, whether you get a minor tremor or a significant earthquake of resistance, is directly proportional to the level of dysfunction in your relationship. A healthy, balanced relationship involves both parties who consider each other’s interests and compromise.

While the resistance is undeniably upsetting, it also holds incredibly valuable information. When your reasonable request touches off explosive resistance, you know you have unearthed a landmine of dysfunction. And, you can’t deal with something you don’t know is there.

Then, depending on how mom responds- this is a great litmus test to see if Mom has defenses that are going to be problematic and unchangeable or if she can reverse course.

If you are clear and have internal resolve (admittedly a huge task), the rest will fall into place.

Not easily, or smoothly, but developing internal resolve is essential for your own healing whether or not your mother ever changes. By taking the upper hand, you have flipped the dynamics of the relationship. For the first part of your life, mom held the power. Now it’s your turn.

 

 

 

 

 

So, in summary – when you ask, “should I go no contact with my mother” remember –

Whether you go low contact, no contact, or “I’m taking a break for now” contact, if you have communicated your needs and limits, you can let her decide the level of contact by her actions and response. In effect you are saying, ” Mom here is where I stand,  you decide how you will show up in my life.” 

In this way, you take control of your life instead of hoping she will change.

*A Bonus-  you don’t have to shoulder all of the responsibility of deciding whether or not you and your mother have a relationship. With a wake-up call, mom may alter her approach. You don’t know until you try. Then, making the call about how much contact you want is based on real-life data.

One thing is for certain, hoping mom will change is not a strategy. Whatever her response, by exercising your power in this way, you build your confidence, and start living life on your own terms. 

And that is always a good place to start no matter where you end up!

 

To find out if you are trapped in the role of the good daughter go here.

Where are you in this?

Let me know in the comments.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Being Thoughtful, call-out, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Independence, self esteem

3 Ways The Good Daughter of the Narcissistic/Difficult Mother Feels Trapped

March 7, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

 

“My mother is driving me crazy!”

Does every daughter complain about her mother or is there something fundamentally wrong with the relationship?

Are you a daughter of a Narcissistic Mother?

If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic has traits of these disorders or is insecure, her daughter attuned to mom frequently finds herself in the role of the Good Daughter.

For the daughter in the role of the Good Daughter, she is trapped in a dynamic that she feels… but just can’t put her finger on.

When is good for mom, bad for her daughter?

Let’s dig in.

A daughter who has been raised by a mother with serious psychological difficulty isn’t just bitching about mom.

She is trapped by her mother’s needs in ways that cost her dearly. 

This destructive Good Daughter dynamic is often hidden.

Here are 3 ways this Good Daughter role is a trap.

  • 1. The daughter’s attunement traps her.  She is the one who sees, feels and senses when mom is upset. 

Her closeness to mom and hypervigilence to mom’s moods may feel like love to her. Why wouldn’t it? It is all she has ever known.

If mom is upset, the Good Daughter feels it is her job to fix it. This is habitual and ingrained.

This dynamic that is rooted in childhood when daughter needed mom to be okay.

Because her own needs have been intertwined with her mothers, the Good Daughter has a hard time rejecting mom or causing mom upset without feeling her own security is jeopardized.

2. She is not only hurt by her damaged mother but she feels responsible for her mother’s well-being.

Growing up – the Good Daughter learns that care-taking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. Making sure mom is okay comes first. Then and only then can she feel safe.

She has learned to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem.

3. The Good daughter is frequently the one mom looks to- to be the example. 

Her mother’s defenses mandate she look “good” for mom or be “good” for mom. Mom’s need for self-preservation comes at the cost of her daughter’s developmental needs.

For emotional survival, she learns to disconnect from her essential self and tune into mom’s needs instead.

What does it cost the Good Daughter to be “good” for mom instead of real for herself?

The daughter in the role of the Good Daughter may look like she has it all together yet be flooded with self-doubt when met with the slightest criticism.

Years of looking good for mom and feeling that she has to be better than she is leaves her with little emotional resilience.

Consequentially, detaching from her essential self and letting another person in is almost impossible.

Because of this detachment, her capacity for intimate relating is severely limited.

Isolated and lonely, the Good Daughter is plagued by an emptiness she doesn’t understand. The acceptance she longs for feels out of reach and she doesn’t know why.

She keeps thinking that perfection will be the fix that she needs when what she needs is connection.  

How does being good for mom get in the way of closeness with a partner?

When the Good Daughter feels the need to keep up an illusion of perfection, no one gets to see who she really is. When a love interest gets too close, she may back away, fearing if she reveals her real self, she will be found lacking.

This is her double-bind, let your true self-show and you risk losing the love you need.

Ironically though- if you keep up a front,  you are never loved for yourself.

Alternatively, she will pick partners who are in desperate need of narcissistic mirroring themselves.

The Good Daughter may be surrounded by people but feel profoundly lonely and not know why.

How does this Good Daughter role cause her to feel like an imposter?

Riddled with anxiety she won’t measure up in some way, the Good Daughter over-functions at work or at school. Yet, rather than bringing a sense of satisfaction, she feels like an imposter only waiting to be found out.

The Good Daughter might exercise and starve herself to quiet the internalized critical voice that relentlessly calls her “fat,” “lazy,”.  If she obeys the internal critical voices and gives of herself enough, she can sometimes calm the voices to a dull roar.

Still, the internal tyrant is always there, lying in wait—waiting to hunt her down the minute the Good Daughter lets her guard down.

In an effort to look good, she may keep it all together only to turn to food or alcohol when no one is looking. In extreme cases, she resorts to cutting or other forms of self-harm to release the accumulated pressure she feels from keeping up the facade.

Or she feels a chronic sense of self-doubt, never able to relax and simply be herself. 

She might be a suburban mom who can’t pull herself away from the shopping channel or the Chardonnay, her only escape from the relentless tedium of making her life and family look better than it is- emptiness and anxiety haunting her every footstep.

If she is a mom, she is likely to over function in her relationship with her daughter. She doesn’t know when enough is good enough. She wants so desperately for her daughter to feel good about herself.

For the Good Daughter, keeping up the facade is exhausting and never-ending.

The Good Daughter may not know how to fail in small ways and bounce back. There is no middle ground.

Her so-called successes are both a pedestal and a prison. Every success sets an expectation she feels she has to meet, every time.

The fake smile, the protective mask, the relentless pursuit of perfection has crushed the little girl inside who has learned to look good for her narcissistically defended mom instead of being real for herself.

Being real wasn’t good enough for mom.

The Good Daughter must look good and make sure everyone is okay with her-even when mom is nowhere in sight.

No one told her this is an impossible task. Because happiness, even her own, is an inside job.

As a result of trying, she feels overwhelming shame, guilt, and self-doubt.

Her essential self is buried under the Good Daughter facade.

What can the Good Daughter do to help herself?

She needs to know her buried self is still there, waiting to be reclaimed and brought back to life.

Paradoxically, her discontent holds the breadcrumbs tracing a way back to herself.

The Good Daughter’s unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self.

Plugging back into the current of her true range of feelings—not merely the “nice” ones—can energize her passion and creativity.

With that energy, she may finally be able to shake off the shame, claim her true feelings, and find her way back home—to her essential self.

Armed with awareness, the Good Daughter can use the map of her mother’s narcissistic wounds as the detailed guide to finding her power as a woman.

Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment.

This article originally appeared in https://psychcentral.com/

To Find out of you are caught in the Good Daughter trap- go here.

If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic has traits of these disorders or is insecure, her daughter attuned to mom frequently finds herself in the role of the Good Daughter. Click To Tweet If mom is upset, the Good Daughter feels it is her job to fix it. This is habitual and ingrained. Click To Tweet The daughter's attunement traps her in the role of the Good Daughter. She is the one who sees, feels and senses when mom is upset. Click To Tweet Because her own needs have been intertwined with her mother's, the Good Daughter has a hard time rejecting mom or causing mom upset without feeling her own security is jeopardized. Click To Tweet Growing up - the Good Daughter learns that caretaking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. Making sure mom is okay comes first. Then and only then can she feel safe. Click To Tweet The Good Daughter's unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self. Click To Tweet Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment. Click To Tweet Plugging back into the current of her true range of feelings—not merely the “nice” ones—can energize her passion and creativity. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Doubt, fake, imposter syndrome, Mom, self esteem

How to Give Your Daughter The Self-Esteem Your Mother Never Gave You

January 17, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

Do you want to give your daughter the self-esteem you never got from your own mother? Counseling women in psychotherapy for over 30 years, I hear this one wish mothers have above all others… ” I just want my daughter to feel good about herself.” What if I told you there are 3 ways you can profoundly enhance your daughter’s self-esteem? And what if I told you these tips won’t take more time or cost you more money? Would you listen to me? Good -stay with me… I have help for you. First, let’s consider where you are coming from.

What happened in your childhood that damaged your self-esteem? Was mom Narcissistic, Borderline or have traits of these disorders? Perhaps she was depressed, alcoholic or simply beaten down by life? Did the way she raised you leave you feeling you were “not good enough”? If so, by her treatment or example, your self-esteem suffered. If you took on the role of the Good Daughter you learned to be good for mom at your expense. Now that you have your own daughter, you want more than anything to give her the self-esteem your mother never gave you.

How do you give to your daughter what you didn’t get? There is so much pressure on mothers today. You worry you will mess her up by 1) what you do  2) what you don’t do. You are exhausted by trying so hard and yet, once again, you end up feeling like it’s not enough, feeling that you’re not enough. It wasn’t good enough for your mother, and now you wonder if you are a good enough mom for your daughter. You feel like you can’t win. In over 30 years of counseling women in psychotherapy, I’ve learned mothers are exhausting themselves and mistakenly doing exactly the wrong thing to help their daughter’s self-esteem. I know a better way.

Here are 3 ways to increase your daughter’s self-esteem-

How to Give Your Daughter The Self-Esteem Your Mother Never Gave You 

Transcript -( If you’d rather read)

Many mothers today are afraid, afraid for their daughters.  Mothers want to give their daughters self-esteem. They had a lack of it from their own mothers. If you can relate, I bet you’re running your self-ragged trying to do the right thing, trying to be a good mom. The problem is, so much of what you expect yourself to do is backfiring on you, and I know why.

Why me? I’ve spent the past 30 years counseling mothers and daughters in psychotherapy.

I’ve learned a lot, seeing what can go wrong. Perhaps more importantly though, I’ve raised two girls to adulthood and lived to tell. I know what it feels like, to wanna strangle your daughter one minute and be willing to take a bullet for her the next. Here’s the advice I give to my clients and the advice I wished I could give to my younger self.

Number one, when you see your daughter struggling, don’t steal the lesson. When you swoop in and rescue and fix it too often you prevent your daughter from learning from her mistakes. It’s learning from mistakes and bouncing back that she learns resilience. And it’s knowing her successes are hers and hers alone, that she gains confidence.

Number two, your example is more powerful than your lecture. You tell your daughter, she is as good as anybody, then you put yourself last, you don’t set healthy boundaries. Your daughter is watching and taking notes. You then wonder why she can’t stand up to that mean girl, or why she can’t say “no” to that bad boy?

Number three, own your “no”. Learn how to say “no” and mean it. Say “no” to your daughter, say “no” to your own mother. Say “no” to those messages that are telling you, “You’re not a good enough mom. Unless you buy your daughter one more thing. Unless you provide her with one more opportunity. Unless you orchestrate one more over the top celebration.” Those same messages are telling her she isn’t good enough without straight teeth, hair and A’s.

As a psychotherapist, I’m telling you mothers and daughters are cracking under this pressure. The pressure to do it all and be it all. Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction. And those are just the moms. Because, the truth is, as much as you like, you can’t live your daughter’s life for her. Trying is exhausting. You prevent her from truly growing up, and keeps you both locked in unending power struggles. How do you turn this around?

Know your worth, as a woman and as a mother. When you know your worth you can cheer from up in the stands, rather than run down onto the field. When you know your worth, you can prove your value. Instead of lecturing your daughter endlessly on hers. When you know your worth, you can say “no” with confidence, so you can show up for your “yes”.

In the next seven days:

  1. I’d like for you to resist over-helping.
  2. Do something for yourself, don’t apologize or explain.
  3. Say “no” to someone you love, kindly, but firmly. This will probably be hard. No, scratch that, this will be hard. But if you can parent from the place of self-esteem yourself, I think you’ll see the power struggles melt away.

This is the way, the only way that you can give your daughter that self-esteem that both you and I know she is going to need.

To find out if you are experiencing the Good Daughter Syndrome go here.

 

 

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

Click To Tweet Considering the #MeToo movement, increasing awareness of sexual abuse, and assault these days raising a daughter with a healthy self-esteem has never been more important. Click To Tweet Now that you have your own daughter, I'll bet you want more than anything to give her the self-esteem your mother never gave you. Click To Tweet There is so much pressure on mothers today. You worry you will mess her up by 1) what you do 2) what you don't do. Sometimes it feels like you can't win. Click To Tweet When you swoop in and rescue and fix it too often you prevent your daughter from learning from her mistakes. It's learning from mistakes and bouncing back that she learns resilience. Click To Tweet When you know your worth as a woman and a mother you can cheer from up in the stands, rather than run down onto the field. Click To Tweet When you know your worth as a woman and a mother, you can prove your value Instead of lecturing your daughter endlessly on hers. Click To Tweet When you see your daughter struggling, don't steal the lesson. When you swoop in too often and too soon you tell her by your actions she isn't good enough. Click To Tweet It's learning from mistakes and bouncing back that your daughter learns resilience. And it's knowing her successes are hers and hers alone, that she gains confidence. Click To Tweet Because, the truth is, as much as you like, you can't live your daughter's life for her. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Parenting Issues Tagged With: Daughters, Mothers, parenting daughters, self esteem

The Good Daughter's Guide to Freedom

5 ways to break free and take back your life

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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