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Difficult Mom? The Secret To Letting Go & Moving On

September 13, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

Can your mother empathize with you? Can she get past her defensiveness and put herself in your place? What if the answer is no? What if she doesn’t get you and never will. How do you let go of the hope that she will and move on with your life? What if you need to get past this, claim your life for yourself and parent your daughter.

First of all -this can be hard, very hard. Those of us who have traveled this road can tell you, there are are some things that don’t get better just because you continue to try.  Trying to get a mother understanding when it isn’t in the cards is one of those. There comes a time when you need to be your own witness.

As hard as this is, it may be the only way to freedom. Trapped in the role of the “good daughter” of your difficult mother, you bear the mark of your mother’s pain in this way- You have put your mother’s needs ahead of your own. In the relationship dynamic, you had no choice. To end this cycle, you might need to face the fact that justice is only going to come from you, and that will have to be enough.

The little girl in you wants for mom to understand and approve of you. You have worked so hard to be good for mom. But what if you need for her to understand that she is hurting you and she just can’t give you that one? Because of her limitations, she can’t put herself in your shoes and see things from your perspective. Some mothers just can’t.  And you have your own little girl looking at you…needing you. She needs you to be there for her. It is decision time.

At some point, the only relevant question becomes whether or not you are going to spend a lifetime trying to be heard and seen by someone who just can’t see you or hear you. If you’ve talked yourself blue in the face and find yourself always on the defensive, chances are there isn’t anyone home- psychologically speaking. At least not enough of reflective self to take in what you have to say. Whether she is narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, depressed, addicted, a toxic combo or you have simply hit a hot-button issue, she might be incapable of taking in what you have to say.

How do I know? I’ve heard many a daughter, trapped in the role of the Good Daughter on my therapy couch describe this same scenario over and over. Unconsciously, you blame yourself and stay tied to a mother who can’t truly empathize with you falsely thinking if you could only get it right then mom will understand and accept you.

If mom can’t empathize with you, you cannot experience the understanding you hungry for. So, one more explanation that falls on deaf ears is one too many. Let me save you some time, trouble and possible therapy dollars. As difficult as it is, at some point, you are better off cutting your losses, grieving and moving on. Calmly, peacefully and thoughtfully, but definitively.

To continue in the exhausting exercise of explaining yourself reaches a point of diminishing returns.No one can tell you where this point of diminishing return is. You have to sort it through for yourself. No contact, low contact or reconfigured contact. But somewhere, sometime, you will need to let go of explaining yourself to get free.

Whether you are giving up being understood on a certain hot-button issue or need more of a relationship overhaul, that is up to you. Either way, giving up and letting it drop is hard. Mom may have limitations she cannot get past. Staying angry with her doesn’t necessarily get you anywhere. It only keeps you stuck and feeling guilty. The positive grown-up thing to do is to accept the loss and give up wishing she was different. You can use that same energy to decide to be different yourself.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome – go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

There are are some things that don't get better just because you continue to try. Trying to get a mother's understanding when it isn't in the cards is one of those. Click To Tweet But what if you need your mother to understand that she is hurting you and she just can't give you that one? Click To Tweet Unconsciously, you blame yourself and stay tied to a mother who can't truly empathize with you falsely thinking if you could only get it right then mom will understand and accept you. Click To Tweet You were marked with your mother's pain. You don't have to pass that mark on to your daughter. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

Audio

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Audio-Will-Mom-Ever-Understand-You-What-to-do-if-she-never-does-8_17_17-10.25-AM.m4a

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL CLOSER TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND RAISE HER SELF ESTEEM – 3 HOW TO STEPS

Do You Want To Feel Closer To Your Daughter And Raise Her Self-Esteem?
3 Easy “How-To” Steps...
That Work Like Magic!

new-guide-photo

This is how we rise.

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Parenting Issues Tagged With: Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Questions, Self-Doubt

How To Spot Hidden Ways Mothers Can Create Self-Doubt in Daughters

August 25, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

 

You look great, but wonder if that dress comes in a larger size?

I’m glad you got the job, but are you sure you want to put the kids in daycare… all day?

The apartment is nice but can you really afford something so fancy with your job?

Does Mom offer up a question that’s not really a question but rather a judgment disguised as a question? Do you need to pay attention to what is not said, but implied to decipher the real message? Do you look to tone &  facial expression for the truth? Does mom have trouble being upfront, transparent, or real? Do her “questions” leave you second-guessing yourself?

Why is this a problem?

The problem is, when criticism isn’t direct, it is difficult to process and recognize the insult hidden inside. It makes you feel uncomfortable but your mind argues against it. When a question isn’t a question but an indictment of a choice you have already made- the “question” is designed to produce self-doubt.

I am here to say this is amongst the most destructive ways mothers relate to daughters.

Consider this-When someone in your life tells you upfront they don’t agree with you, that’s one thing. You have the opportunity to address it. You might not like it. It might even hurt, but ultimately you realize we all need to be challenged in order to make better decisions and grow. Conversely, mixed messages plant seeds of self-doubt.

It works like this- The toxicity in mom’s mixed messaged, double-speak, the subtext is ingested, taken in – like the shiny apple offered to Snow White in the Grimm’s Brothers fairy tale. Because her advice is offered as a gift and may look pretty/helpful on the outside, eager to please mom -you take a bite and swallow it whole. Before you know it, you feel something is not quite right.

Taking in a message that contains poison, you feel sick. This poison erodes your confidence and you begin to doubt yourself.

This is how the spell of self-doubt is cast. You don’t feel that you can refuse moms “caring”. You are not fully conscious of the hurt- so it is hard to refuse the offering. You feel that you have to play nice and take what is offered. That is the way you stay under the spell of the mixed message

As a psychotherapist, for over 30 years I have seen women struggling from the spell of the mixed message they were put under by their mothers. This is ugly and far more common than you would guess.

Some daughters in the role of “Good” Daughter have seriously impaired mothers who cause serious damage. Their care is laced with a huge dose of toxicity. Other daughters are hurt by mothers who are merely passing down what they themselves have suffered. They swallowed the toxicity from their own mothers and can’t help but poison their own daughters -if they follow ( patriarchal)  cultural expectations.

Either way, it is very hard to face the fact that the person who is lifting you up is also hurting you and undermining your self-esteem. Hurtful, even if mom is unaware of the hurt she is causing. What’s worse, you take this toxicity inside of yourself and it becomes part of your self-talk.It is very hard to face the fact that the person who is lifting you up is also hurting you and undermining your self-esteem. Hurtful, even if mom is unaware of the hurt she is causing.

What will it cost you if you don’t break the spell? If you can’t consciously face that your mother is serving up arsenic-laced apples, you will never be able to tell which relationships and life situations are good for you, you will need to repeat those destructive relational patterns in your close intimate relationships. You will take one shiny apple after another, ingest the poison therein and all the while tell yourself this is what you deserve.

At the unconscious level, you will need to keep yourself in shady situations and tell yourself that you are in sunshine. You will convince yourself that the problem is yours. The apple tastes good, not bitter and that the shadows are only in your imagination. You are too sensitive, that’s all.

It can be so very hard to face the truth of your relationship with your mother if this is the case. Yet if you don’t, you will be compelled to treat your own daughter the same way and put her under the same spell.

What you don’t pass back, you pass on. That is why it is both hard to face, and so important to face this for yourself.  But you must face this consciously, in order to break the spell. This is grown up work with grown-up rewards.

You must break this spell in order to get free of its grip on your life. Step out of the shadows, call a spade a spade and an insult an insult. Hand back the poison-laced apples along with the backhanded compliments. Only then can you claim what is most beautiful about you. Heal this one and you will heal so very much in your life.

Find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role- go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out-

As a psychotherapist, for over 30 years I have seen women struggling from the spell of the mixed message they were put under by their mothers. Click To Tweet

Breaking the spell of the mixed message is at the heart of healing the difficulties between mothers and daughters. Click To Tweet

It is very hard to face the fact that the person who is lifting you up is also hurting you and undermining your self-esteem. Hurtful, even if mom is unaware of the hurt she is causing. Click To Tweet Does Mom offer up a question that's not really a question but rather a judgment disguised as a question? Click To Tweet If you can't consciously face that your mother is serving up arsenic-laced apples, you will never be able to tell which relationships and life situations are good for you. Click To Tweet How To Spot Hidden Ways Mothers Can Create Self-Doubt in Daughters Click To Tweet

Audio-

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Audio-Does-Mom-Ask-Questions-That-Seed-Self-Doubt_-8_13_17-6.53-PM.m4a

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Destructive, Doubt, Mom, Psyche, Questions, Self-Doubt

The Good Daughter's Guide to Freedom

5 ways to break free and take back your life

Get my Guide

Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

Read more.

Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
5.0
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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