Daughters Rising

Here Are 3 Ways The Pain of Your Childhood Can Make You A Better Mother

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” I don’t want to mess up my daughter the way my mom messed me up.”

 

Yep, EVERY mother on my psychotherapy couch ( especially the “good” daughter) who has a difficult mother and is now raising a daughter has the worry she will make the same mistakes her mother made and leave her daughter feeling anxious and insecure.

If you are one of those mothers I have good news for you- read on. You can turn straw into gold if you know what to do. It is truly the unexamined dysfunctional childhood that is likely to be repeated.

The old saying, “What we don’t pass back we pass on” holds true. But you might not know, the opposite holds true as well. When you process the pain of your childhood you become a wiser and more compassionate mother.  

When you remember and reflect on how you felt as a child, your awareness can make you more sensitive. Whether through therapy or soul-searching talks with someone close, you’ve taken the time to reflect on and process the pain of your dysfunctional childhood. This kind of reflection yields ninja parenting chops.

That doesn’t mean your home doesn’t look like a madhouse at times. When kids aren’t afraid or neglected all of their feelings are out in the open. This is a good thing. And, because you know what it is like to hurt as a child-

You can see beneath the surface.

You see that…

  1. The quiet, obedient child is not always a happy child. When a child feels despair or shame, she tends to constrict, become quiet, and draw into herself. You know that a child may be overly compliant out of fear, not confidence.
  2. Bad behavior is not always what it seems. The acting out child may be misbehaving because she cannot contain an upsetting feeling, and is working to discharge it or push it away. The out of control behavior is sometimes a cry for help. A cry for an adult to help her get control of her impulses or process overwhelming feelings.
  3. It is not necessarily a good thing when your child tries to take care of you. Although it touches your heart when your child shows concern for you-you know no child should feel responsible for her parent’s happiness.

Because of your own painful childhood, you know when you see these outward signs to look more deeply, remain curious, and approach your child with compassion.  Perhaps your greatest gift can be summed up in a word- empathy. Because every child struggles with powerful emotions, even those in functional homes with good mothers. Your empathy makes you a better mother.

At the opposite end of narcissistic and other rigid defenses, that are at the hallmark of dysfunction lies empathetic attunement. You know maintaining an empathetic connection with your child ( no matter her behavior in the moment) paves the way back to good relationship with you. And relationships that are alive, flexible, and loving, keep families functional.

Connection, not perfection, is the key to good mental health and a happy childhood. Even as you discipline your children, you are empathetic to their need for structure, as well as his/her need for an adult to stay in control when doling out the consequences. You can measure how your momentary withdrawal of approval lands with your child. You are careful to invite her back into your good graces as soon as possible rather than shaming and banishing her.

And, when all goes well- you kick back, a smile of delight spreading across your face, and feel that little catch in your throat as it registers deep within you how grateful you are your child feels loved, protected and cared for.

You know, really know, that the safe loved feeling your child feels… is anything but guaranteed. You work hard to make sure she will never know the pain you’ve felt.

*Bonus-

Not only can you use your childhood pain to inform your parenting today, but when you give to your child the love and compassion you never got from your own parents you can start to heal that place within yourself.

If you were the daughter, who took emotional care of mom chances are you are suffering from the “Good daughter” syndrome. To find out-go here.

When you process the pain of your childhood you become a wiser and more compassionate mother. Click To Tweet Connection, not perfection, is the key to good mental health and a happy childhood. Click To Tweet Not only can you use your childhood pain to inform your parenting today, but when you give to your child the love and compassion you never got from your own parents you can start to heal that place within yourself. Click To Tweet

When Mom Looks to Her Daughter To Be Her Emotional Partner- Why Maternal Parentification Is a Problem

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( Here is what maternal parentification looks like) 

“Help, my Mother won’t let go- Mom calls me many times a day and I  don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can.I know this hurts her feelings but what she doesn’t realize is this – “I am swamped with guilt,  I feel suffocated and resentful. Where did I sign on to be her emotional partner? I wish she would let me live my own life. “

As a psychotherapist for over 30 years, I have heard this more times than I can count. 

Daughters who just want the space to live their own lives without mom’s emotional clinging.

The reason for mom’s over-involvement range from full-blown personality disorder to differing cultural expectations. If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline or Addicted her attuned daughter may be trapped in the role of the good daughter.  She takes on an emotional burden that was never supposed to be hers.

How does this happen?

Sometimes mom is divorced and hasn’t successfully recoupled. Other times mom has checked out of her relationship with her husband and has a long-standing pattern of looking to her daughter for emotional support. Either way- When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary partner, instead of their partner or peer this interferes with their daughter’s emotional growth. This makes her daughter feel guilty for growing up and leaving home.

Looking to daughters for this level of closeness is called parentification and holds daughters back from living their lives. 

When mom has serious psychological difficulties, this difficult dynamic is put on steroids! Mom goes nuclear if she detects her daughter is pulling away. Using epic levels of guilt, the disturbed mother will stop at nothing to bring her daughter back into her realm of influence.

The unspoken rule is this- the daughter is responsible for mom’s emotional well-being. 

Either way, these daughters end up feeling a debilitating guilt for their natural strivings for independence. If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped inside of an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of making a healthy separation for herself. This is very unhealthy for her daughter.

To find out if you are in the role of the “good” daughter – go here.

 

 

 

Dear Mom- Here’s Why I Am Avoiding Your Calls & What I Wish I Could Tell You

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Dear Mom,

You call me and I don’t pick up. Do you wonder why I am avoiding your calls?

 Is it that I don’t love you?  Or, am I a thoughtless, ungrateful, heartless child? ( I seriously doubt it- I’m the “good” daughter after all) Or, is there something else going on?

Here is my truth as I see it. I am sorry I am hurting your feelings but I think you are insensitive to mine. Here is what I would tell you if I had the nerve and I had faith you would really listen.

 

 

 

 

 

  • 1 -You expect a report It is as if you are the FBI and have authority to ask anything you want. There is no topic you won’t breach. You act as if my time and privacy are yours for the taking. If you have questions, you expect me to provide you the answers, no matter how personal.

How this makes me feel? Invaded and intruded upon. When you expect me to report to you it feels as if I am offering up my life for your inspection.  That my life is yours to fret over, manage, and fix.

            There is always an air of judgment underlying your questions.

What you can do instead? Don’t automatically expect me to share everything with you. Approach me knowing that I have a choice about whether or not to share.  Know that there are some things I’d like to keep private,  if for only a while. When you respect my privacy, I will be more willing to share.

  • 2- You overreact –If I’m worried, I don’t need you to pile on or freak out. Your anxiety doesn’t help me, it just makes me feel more unsure. Paradoxically, when you worry I feel the need to reassure you, which only adds to my burden.

How it makes me feel? Defensive. Like I am not seeing the seriousness of the situation. That it is so much worse than I ever thought and I might make it worse if I didn’t have you to rescue me.

What to do instead? Listen and convey to me that I have what it takes to figure things out. Be my calm, steady safe place.

  • 3- You tell me what to do- Before I can flesh out my thoughts, you jump in with your suggestions and take over.

How it makes me feel? Stupid. Like I don’t have what it takes to make it on my own. Like I’m not good enough. That you think I don’t have what it takes to handle the situation.

What you can do instead? Say, “I might have some ideas, would you like me to weigh in or would you like me to listen now?”

The pressure and guilt that divide us

I get it. Our culture tells you if you love me… you should fix all of my problems – even into adulthood. I take issue with that line of thinking. That misguided thinking only leads to your overreach and my feelings of resentment. Then, I feel like my only option is to avoid you to avoid takeover, criticism and burdening you. As a result,  I walk around with this underlying sense of guilt, and you feel rejected.

When we do talk and you tell me how much you need my engagement with you, you put me in an impossible position. I feel an overwhelming sense of obligation. This is bad for our relationship because when I feel guilty, I will work to offload my guilt by fulfilling my obligation. And when I am operating on guilt and obligation – there will be resentment in the mix. This is not the way to sustain a loving relationship. I imagine what you really want is my affection, not my obligation or guilt.

Paradoxically, the power you have for the connection you want is right under your nose. You need to know the power you have. Because you have been a witness to my strengths and my vulnerabilities no one is in a better position to lift me up or put me down. I want to encourage you to use that power wisely. How you use it will determine how eager am to pick up the phone when you call.

Here’s how you might use this power-

  • 1) Ask me if I am free to talk. Respect my time and privacy.
  • 2) Be a calming presence in my life who reminds me of the times when I struggled and came through with a win.
  • 3) Let me come up with my own solutions even if I struggle and fail. Let me own my failures so I can own my successes.

I need and want your loving solid presence in my life. If you could put forth the effort I would gladly meet you halfway.

Postscript *

For daughters of mothers who are Narcissistic, Borderline Histrionic or Addicted, this trap of intrusion, criticism, and boundary-crossing is especially problematic. If she is in the role of the Good daughter, this dynamic can be hell on earth.

Find out if you are experiencing the Good Daughter Syndrome here.

 

Raise Awareness.  Rewrite Mother/Daughter Relating. TWEET IT OUT 

Mom -the power you have for the connection you want is right under your nose. Rather than tell me what to do, your solid loving witness is what I need. Click To Tweet Mom, let me come up with my own solutions even if I struggle and fail. Let me own my failures so I can own my successes. Click To Tweet Mom for a better connection, be a calming presence in my life who reminds me of the times when I struggled and came through with a win. Click To Tweet Mom, because you have been a witness to my strengths and my vulnerabilities no one is in a better position to lift me up or put me down. Click To Tweet Mom, I imagine what you really want is my affection, not my obligation or guilt. Click To Tweet Our culture tells you if you love me... you should fix all of my problems - even into adulthood. WRONG! That only leads to your overreach and my feelings of resentment. Click To Tweet Mom, If I'm worried, I don't need you to pile on or freak out. Your anxiety doesn't help me, it just makes me feel more unsure. Paradoxically, when you worry I feel the need to reassure you, which only adds to my burden. Click To Tweet Mom, I need you to love me not fix me. Click To Tweet Mom, when you respect my privacy I will be more willing to share. Click To Tweet Mom, please don't jump in with your fixes. It makes me feel like you don't trust my judgment. Click To Tweet Mom, when I don't take your suggestions, I'm not rejecting you, I'm developing me! Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Give Your Daughter The Self-Esteem Your Mother Never Gave You

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Do you want to give your daughter the self-esteem you never got from your own mother? Counseling women in psychotherapy for over 30 years, I hear this one wish mothers have above all others… ” I just want my daughter to feel good about herself.” What if I told you there are 3 ways you can profoundly enhance your daughter’s self-esteem? And what if I told you these tips won’t take more time or cost you more money? Would you listen to me? Good -stay with me… I have help for you. First, let’s consider where you are coming from.

What happened in your childhood that damaged your self-esteem? Was mom Narcissistic, Borderline or have traits of these disorders? Perhaps she was depressed, alcoholic or simply beaten down by life? Did the way she raised you leave you feeling you were “not good enough”? If so, by her treatment or example, your self-esteem suffered. If you took on the role of the Good Daughter you learned to be good for mom at your expense. Now that you have your own daughter, you want more than anything to give her the self-esteem your mother never gave you.

How do you give to your daughter what you didn’t get? There is so much pressure on mothers today. You worry you will mess her up by 1) what you do  2) what you don’t do. You are exhausted by trying so hard and yet, once again, you end up feeling like it’s not enough, feeling that you’re not enough. It wasn’t good enough for your mother, and now you wonder if you are a good enough mom for your daughter. You feel like you can’t win. In over 30 years of counseling women in psychotherapy, I’ve learned mothers are exhausting themselves and mistakenly doing exactly the wrong thing to help their daughter’s self-esteem. I know a better way.

Here are 3 ways to increase your daughter’s self-esteem-

How to Give Your Daughter The Self-Esteem Your Mother Never Gave You 

Transcript -( If you’d rather read)

Many mothers today are afraid, afraid for their daughters.  Mothers want to give their daughters self-esteem. They had a lack of it from their own mothers. If you can relate, I bet you’re running your self-ragged trying to do the right thing, trying to be a good mom. The problem is, so much of what you expect yourself to do is backfiring on you, and I know why.

Why me? I’ve spent the past 30 years counseling mothers and daughters in psychotherapy.

I’ve learned a lot, seeing what can go wrong. Perhaps more importantly though, I’ve raised two girls to adulthood and lived to tell. I know what it feels like, to wanna strangle your daughter one minute and be willing to take a bullet for her the next. Here’s the advice I give to my clients and the advice I wished I could give to my younger self.

Number one, when you see your daughter struggling, don’t steal the lesson. When you swoop in and rescue and fix it too often you prevent your daughter from learning from her mistakes. It’s learning from mistakes and bouncing back that she learns resilience. And it’s knowing her successes are hers and hers alone, that she gains confidence.

Number two, your example is more powerful than your lecture. You tell your daughter, she is as good as anybody, then you put yourself last, you don’t set healthy boundaries. Your daughter is watching and taking notes. You then wonder why she can’t stand up to that mean girl, or why she can’t say “no” to that bad boy?

Number three, own your “no”. Learn how to say “no” and mean it. Say “no” to your daughter, say “no” to your own mother. Say “no” to those messages that are telling you, “You’re not a good enough mom. Unless you buy your daughter one more thing. Unless you provide her with one more opportunity. Unless you orchestrate one more over the top celebration.” Those same messages are telling her she isn’t good enough without straight teeth, hair and A’s.

As a psychotherapist, I’m telling you mothers and daughters are cracking under this pressure. The pressure to do it all and be it all. Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction. And those are just the moms. Because, the truth is, as much as you like, you can’t live your daughter’s life for her. Trying is exhausting. You prevent her from truly growing up, and keeps you both locked in unending power struggles. How do you turn this around?

Know your worth, as a woman and as a mother. When you know your worth you can cheer from up in the stands, rather than run down onto the field. When you know your worth, you can prove your value. Instead of lecturing your daughter endlessly on hers. When you know your worth, you can say “no” with confidence, so you can show up for your “yes”.

In the next seven days:

  1. I’d like for you to resist over-helping.
  2. Do something for yourself, don’t apologize or explain.
  3. Say “no” to someone you love, kindly, but firmly. This will probably be hard. No, scratch that, this will be hard. But if you can parent from the place of self-esteem yourself, I think you’ll see the power struggles melt away.

This is the way, the only way that you can give your daughter that self-esteem that both you and I know she is going to need.

To find out if you are experiencing the Good Daughter Syndrome go here.

 

 

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

Click To Tweet Considering the #MeToo movement, increasing awareness of sexual abuse, and assault these days raising a daughter with a healthy self-esteem has never been more important. Click To Tweet Now that you have your own daughter, I'll bet you want more than anything to give her the self-esteem your mother never gave you. Click To Tweet There is so much pressure on mothers today. You worry you will mess her up by 1) what you do 2) what you don't do. Sometimes it feels like you can't win. Click To Tweet When you swoop in and rescue and fix it too often you prevent your daughter from learning from her mistakes. It's learning from mistakes and bouncing back that she learns resilience. Click To Tweet When you know your worth as a woman and a mother you can cheer from up in the stands, rather than run down onto the field. Click To Tweet When you know your worth as a woman and a mother, you can prove your value Instead of lecturing your daughter endlessly on hers. Click To Tweet When you see your daughter struggling, don't steal the lesson. When you swoop in too often and too soon you tell her by your actions she isn't good enough. Click To Tweet It's learning from mistakes and bouncing back that your daughter learns resilience. And it's knowing her successes are hers and hers alone, that she gains confidence. Click To Tweet Because, the truth is, as much as you like, you can't live your daughter's life for her. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Healing the Mother Wound- A Free Meditation

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To Heal The Mother Wound You Must Get Out Of Your Head And Into Your Body

( Read to the bottom to access the meditation) 

You get off the phone or come home from a visit with your mother and it didn’t go well. The worst thing about it are the feelings she leaves you with. You just can’t shake them. Frustration. Anxiety. Anger.  Ultimately you are left feeling sad.(Especially if you are stuck in the role of the “good daughter” ( feeling responsible for mom’s feelings) you suffer a double whammy. What can you do? It isn’t enough to understand what went wrong with your mother/daughter relationship you need to feel differently. Awareness is essential and at the same time, not enough.To heal the mother wound, you must first get in touch with your emotional pain. Then you must have experiences that soothe that pain.

Use this meditation when:

1) You are making changes in your relationship with your actual mother. (You need to address the anxiety you encounter when you are working to make changes. That anxiety can threaten to drive you right back to doing things the same way.)

2) If you have gone “no contact”, the feelings you must endure to keep your resolve can be crippling. Ensure you have supportive practices to help.

3)  You want to cool off, get perspective, and think with a rational head. You get off the phone, or have a troubling encounter with mom, and don’t want to act out of emotion.

All these are important reasons to learn self-regulation/ self-soothing methods for yourself.

Why are embodied experiences essential for healing the mother wound? To fully understand- let’s dial back the years for a moment. Perhaps something went wrong in your mother’s ability to access her capacity to soothe and comfort you when you were small. It might have been a personality disorder, addiction or simply stress that prevented mom from mothering you well. Or maybe it was later in teenage-hood that your connection to mom was interrupted by those same forces. (I’ve had many clients who have said their mothers were loving until they hit adolescence and then mom lost all of her loving feelings toward them.)

Others sat anxiously by as mom feel apart, derailing emotionally for one reason or another connected to a mother who was self-absorbed waiting on mom for loving attention that never came. Either way, the reality is you were incorporating your experience of your mother first in the womb and later in her arms, mom was first experienced, felt, taken in and embodied.

Along with her love you took in all of her. Her anxiety. Her anger. Her disapproval.

If you were attuned to mom, you took her in. That means you absorb her moods & anxieties along with her caring. Therefore it makes sense that……. healing from a deficit in mothering must incorporate those embodied felt elements. The incredibly good news is that you can still incorporate these felt elements to heal. 

Here’s how

1) Movement can heal and soothe. The rocking motion that mimics the motion in the womb. This is still soothing to the nervous system, as a baby or as an adult. You are wired to be soothed by rhythmic movement. Walking, running/jogging or dancing can be cathartic, empowering and healing.

Even holding yourself and rocking back and forth has proven to reset the psyche from trauma.

2) Soothing sounds can be calming. If you watch and listen to a mother and baby you see/hear that maternal voices are cooing or lilting.   Maternal voices rise and fall in pitch. They have a rhythmic cadence. Therefore, brain entrainment meditations (like the free one at the end of this post) can still heal and benefit you as an adult.

You may wonder, if it’s isn’t it too late – You are not as stuck, or limited, by the original experiences you have had with a Difficult Mother as we once thought. The good news is that your brain and your nervous system can still heal and benefit as an adult. A popular saying in neurological circles is “The brain is plastic.” & “What fires together wires together.” You can create experiences that change the structure of the brain. You can learn to shift to self-soothing. While it has been years (or could be never) since you were soothed in this way, your body remembers.

It will respond to-

  • soothing rhythms that mimic a mother’s heartbeat
  • regulated breathing that massages you from the inside out
  • sound frequencies that entrain your brain to experience relaxed states as you listen.

Isn’t that the key –  to give to yourself these primal healing experiences that you can access? In doing so, you learn to rely on yourself for feeling good. This is the key to calm, clarity, and the self-confidence you are seeking.  Talking alone is rarely enough. You need to dive deep into curative experiences.

Does dealing with your difficult mother cause you anxiety?

Here is a Free meditation I created just for you.

GET YOUR FREE MEDITATION

Does dealing with your difficult mother cause you anxiety?
Here is a Free meditation I created just for you

new-guide-photo

To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role -go here.

This is what you need to soothe the anxiety, heal the mother wound and come home to yourself. Click To Tweet To Heal The Mother Wound You Must Get Out Of Your Head And Into Your Body Click To Tweet To heal the mother wound, you must first get in touch with your emotional pain. Then you must have experiences that soothe that pain. Click To Tweet You are not as stuck, or limited, by the original experiences you have had with a Difficult Mother as we once thought. The good news is that your brain and your nervous system can still heal and benefit as an adult. Click To Tweet As we now know, the brain can be rewired when we give it targeted, intentionally corrective experiences. Click To Tweet

Access this meditation and feel the soothing effects immediately.

 

 

 

When Mom Won’t Let Go; Why This is a Problem

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“Mom calls me multiple times a day. Many times I just don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can. Her feelings are hurt and I can’t stop feeling guilty. She just can’t let go and I can’t live my own life. This is driving me crazy.”

As a psychotherapist, I have heard this more times than I can count. Does mom have a full-blown personality disorder or does she need a little help letting go? Either way- When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary emotional partner, this interferes with the daughter’s emotional growth.

This level of clinging prevents daughters from leaving home and making a healthy separation.

Looking to daughters for this level of closeness is called parentification and holds daughters back from living their lives fully.  Does Mom have an underlying personality disorder Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic or does she has traits of these disorders? If so, this difficult dynamic on put on steroids! Mom goes nuclear if she detects her daughter is pulling away. If mom is a Covert Narcissist her daughter feels suffocated by her mother’s needs but swamped with guilt for the resentment she feels. Either way, these daughters end up feeling guilty for their natural strivings for independence.

If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped inside of an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of making a healthy separation for herself. This is very unhealthy for her daughter. 

What does this mean for a daughter connecting with a life partner?

When a daughter leaves home and makes a healthy separation from mom and dad ideally she transfers her primary emotional connection from her parents to her partner. No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both. Moms need to let go and daughters need to grow up and leave.  Each has her own separate emotional task.

Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. If this doesn’t happen the adult daughter will not be free to invest fully in her relationship with her adult partner. In other words, in health, the daughter needs to choose her partner over her mother. This may sound harsh but this is the healthy trajectory.

 This transfer is vital to the health of the newly developed partnership.  

  • It is mom’s job to, let go and accept her daughter’s leaving.
  • It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a peer and leave behind her role as a child.

This is the way of healthy development. Each task has its own challenges and responsibilities. Leaving home and making a home of your own is the healthy trajectory, one paved with both loss and gratification. Letting go is the path towards growth. 

However, when mothers make their adult daughters feel responsible for their emotional well being, things are topsy-turvy. Only dysfunction and misery follows.Daughters resent having to care for mom emotionally. Underneath it all, they feel something isn’t right. When mothers look to their daughters to take care of them emotionally; to be the person they look to for closeness and connection as adults… they place an unnecessary burden on their daughters.

This emotional burden prevents them from making the healthy separation they need to make for themselves. This is especially true for the daughter trapped in the role of the good daughter and part of the good daughter syndrome.

From Good Daughter to Empowered Woman

The guide you need to break free from the "Good Daughter" syndrome.

Good Daughter Guide

Here is how this happens –

 

Transcript 

Hi, this is Katherine Fabrizio with help for the Good Daughter Syndrome. One thing I say that my clients talk about that’s, I see that happens really frequently … Many times mom doesn’t have a primary or a good connection with the partner. She may be married. She may be divorced. But in this scenario, many times she’s looking to the daughter for closeness and connection.

Well, why is this a problem? Well, if the daughter is trying to establish their primary connection with their intimate partner, there’s always this tension. Mom’s always pulling the daughter to do things her way.

It’s like a loyalty struggle that’s like of underground, and not really overtly talked about, yet can exert a lot of pressure on the good daughter’s marriage if what she needs to do is to establish her primary connection with her partner.

If mom is suddenly undermining it in some ways because she’s not maintaining her connection with her partner, or actively looking for one. This is Katherine Fabrizio with help for the good daughter who’s struggling with the Good Daughter Syndrome.

A postscript-

It is one thing for a mother and daughter to re-establish closeness after a period of healthy separation. If the period of healthy separation never happens then a genuine adult closeness can never take root.

However, if a mother clings to her daughter and doesn’t let go- her daughter can’t help but feel growing resentment that ends in a mother/daughter tension that is never-ending.

Can mothers and daughters ever be close in a healthy way?

Yes, but first, mom must let go in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship with her daughter. If you see yourself in this good daughter role there are steps you can take. If you need a script to tell mom to take a step back and stop giving unwanted advice here is one that is kind and respectful. If you suspect mom might be Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic, or has traits of these disorders here is a way to tell.

When you have awareness you can plan your next steps to living a life that is free.

Empowering women one mother/daughter relationship at a time.

To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role -go here.

Raise Awareness TWEET IT OUT –

When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary emotional partner, this interferes with the daughter's emotional growth. Click To Tweet It is mom's job to, let go and accept her daughter's leaving. Click To Tweet Mom must let go in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship with her daughter later in life. Click To Tweet No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both. Click To Tweet When a mother looks to her daughter to be her primary emotional partner, this is called parentification. This holds daughters back from fully living their own adult lives. Click To Tweet Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Hard, but necessary. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

This is how we Rise!

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

Mothers & Daughters: The Delicate Dance From Dependence to Independence

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A daughter’s healthy striving for independence is a long and winding road. Let’s face it, mothers and daughters have a history.Is it any wonder they have issues?No other relationship is tasked with wrestling the competing urges of dependence and independence right from the get-go.

From labor’s first contractions, mothers are both holding on to and letting go of their daughters. Considering one of the duos started off in the other’s body, it is no wonder the path from dependence to independence is a journey. First conceived of, then conceived, carried and finally labored over, a mother and daughter travel many an emotional and developmental mile. One that is reiterated many times over during the time mothers and daughters relate to each other.

How it all begins- Once baby arrives, mom takes care of baby… yes the helpless baby who can’t feed diaper or even hold up her head. They bond or let’s be real here. They fall in love.

 

If all goes well, they look into one another’s eyes and find that they only have eyes for each other. This bonding is neurologically programmed into our DNA to ensure survival!   The early babyhood stage starts at dependence and vulnerability. For mom – life as she knew it, is over. Her body is broken open, sore nipples and sleepless nights set the stage for a tremendous level of sacrifice.

Depending on whether mom is psychologically sound and has support will influence to a great degree how well she adapts to this very difficult role.

For baby- well the baby is just being a baby, laying down the psychological hard drive she will operate from the rest of her days.Psychologists say it is the time you can never remember yet you never forget.  It is that basic, that fundamental. But this story has a trajectory. Baby’s job is to grow from complete dependence to mastery and independence.

At about year one and a half just when mom says to herself,” I’ve got this! ”the game changes. Her job goes from being everything to the young fledgling, to learning how to let go. She must increasingly relinquish control as baby gains independence. Talk about a job description rewrite! So it all begins. At best, baby and mom ally enough and delight at babies progress. At best, mom knows instinctively that babies progress is a result of her good enough mothering. Then both mom and baby can feel good about babies burgeoning independent functioning.” Look I did it myself!” Mom keeps track of the developmental milestones- perhaps proudly reporting to the playgroup moms or perhaps to her own mom the progress being made. Baby, well baby, just feels good or protests in more or less effective ways to let mom know when she doesn’t. The hard drive of her experience of life is laid down.

If all goes well or good enough, baby learns that life feels good and doing for self-feels even better. And when it doesn’t all go swimmingly, mom’s arms or lap is the go-to place where she mommy makes it all better. Refuel and reset in mom’s lap. When in resonance this all feels good. There are enough good feelings to go around. But in music, like life,  there is the dark note playing in the background, the counterpoint.

Every step taken is a step away from mommy. If all goes well, mom is working herself out of a job. How mom copes with this reality and loss tells the tale of whether or not separation will go well. For many mothers and daughters, this dance can get complicated and convoluted. Particularly if mom has a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality disorder or if mom is depressed or addicted the dance will involve lots of painful stepping on toes. If this is the case, mom’s mothering can be woefully impaired and daughters can have a lifetime of suffering because of her mother’s limitations.

This already difficult dance from dependence to independence become nearly impossible. Mother/Daughter relationship issues start very early on, are complex, and involve the psychological core of both mother and daughter.Understanding and navigating a daughter’s recovery from being mothered by a difficult/impaired mother takes understanding the developmental tasks for both mothers and daughters. So much is at stake. A daughter needs to heal her wounds before she can effectively parent her own daughter. Any approach to healing must include a compassionate understanding of the difficult psychological tasks at hand.

To find out if you are caught in the Good Daughter role- go here.

This article first appeared on my sister site https://raleighcounselingandtherapy.com/

TWEET IT OUT –

From labor's first contractions, mothers are both holding on to and letting go of their daughters. Click To Tweet First conceived of, then conceived, carried and finally labored over, a mother and daughter travel many an emotional and developmental mile. Click To Tweet

If all goes well, mom is working herself out of a job. How mom copes with this reality and loss tells the tale of whether or not separation will go well. Click To Tweet.

Every step taken is a step away from mommy. Click To Tweet Let’s face it, mothers and daughters have a history. Is it any wonder they have issues? Click To Tweet If all goes well or well enough, baby learns that life feels good and doing for self-feels even better. Click To Tweet A daughter needs to heal her wounds before she can effectively parent her own daughter. Click To Tweet If mom has a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality disorder the dance of dependence to independence will involve lots of painful stepping on toes. Click To Tweet Understanding and navigating a daughter's recovery from being mothered by a difficult/impaired mother takes understanding the developmental tasks for both mothers and daughters. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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