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Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Symptoms of The Good Daughter Syndrome

April 17, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

sympDaughters of Narcissistic Mothers Symptoms of The Good Daughter Syndrome

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers show symptoms of The Good Daughter Syndrome.

Your mother has issues.

Boy, does she have issues..manipulative, intrusive, self-absorbed, and critical… hardly begins to cover it.

And you feel it all. Attuned and sensitive, you’ve always picked up if Mom was okay.- It’s like you have this radar, this 6th sense about Mom.

You aren’t sure if it’s a blessing or a curse because…

you can’t relax until Mom is okay and okay with you.

This isn’t unusual.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers show symptoms that can be mild to devasting. This daughter works to be good for mom, look good for mom, and make sure mom is good with her. It’s an endless, thankless, and ultimately impossible quest.

Exhausted, daughters in this Good daughter role have been trained to place Mom’s needs ahead of their own.

How do I know?

After counseling daughters of difficult mothers for over 30 years, I started to notice a trend.

Daughters who were particularly compassionate and had mothers who were troubled, narcissistic, borderline, or histrionic frequently fell into what I call The Good Daughter trap, a trap that sucked the life out of them and chained them to their mothers’ pathology.

 

Here are 10 signs of the good daughter syndrome- can you relate?  

1) No matter how hard you work for Mom’s approval, it’s never good enough.

Whether Mom criticizes you outright or her criticism is implied, you get the message it’s never good enough; you are never good enough.  With her constant comments, you get a distinct feeling there’s something wrong with you and that she’s trying to fix or better you.

 

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Symptoms of The Good Daughter Syndrome

2) Mom gives you unsolicited advice.

She is always making suggestions about weight, hair, parenting; you name it, there isn’t an area she won’t weigh in on. What’s more, she expects you to answer to her and take her advice even when you haven’t asked for it.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

3) Mom is never wrong and never sorry.

You won’t hear, “I was wrong, and you were right.” Nope, she just can’t give it to you. By the same token, you won’t hear a genuine apology.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

4) She’s always crossing your boundaries

You have a hard time setting healthy boundaries with Mom and a harder time sticking to them.  Setting a boundary feels like you are breaking a rule you never knew existed.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

5) You feel responsible for Mom’s happiness.

You wish it were different, but if Mom isn’t happy, you fear if it’s, you’re your fault. This underlies many reasons you have such a hard time setting boundaries and standing up to mom. Deep down, you feel responsible for making your mother happy.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Symptoms of The Good Daughter Syndrome

6) Mom takes any pushback as a rejection of her.

Shutting you down, she says something along the lines of, “I was just trying to help. I guess I’m just a horrible mother.” It is almost impossible to have a reasonable conversation with mom. She gets defensive and upset if you have a problem with anything she does. You end up feeling like it just isn’t worth it.

 

7) Mom thinks she knows what is best for you.

Always. It goes without question, at least in her mind. The unstated but heavily implied rule is” Mother knows best.” If you dare to challenge it, there is hell to pay.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

8) Although not explicitly stated, making Mom look good and feel good is your job.

Whether you are picking out an outfit for a holiday meal or choosing a profession or mate, you know mom will regard your choice as a reflection on her.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Symptoms of The Good Daughter Syndrome

9) Standing up to Mom is hard for you.

You don’t want to rock the boat. Yep, more than hard, it’s almost impossible. You know the phrase all too well, ” If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Your mother’s mood sets the tone. You don’t want to mess with that.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

10) Plagued by self-doubt, you constantly second-guess yourself.

It is hard for you to make decisions and feel confident about them. Mom’s taught you that you can’t solely rely on your own judgment.

Do you see yourself in 7 out of the 10 statements?

As a psychotherapist of over 30 years, I keep seeing these empathetic daughters of Narcissistic Mothers show the Good Daughter Syndrome symptoms. These are the daughters who care too much and get too little.

I see my clients giving too much and getting too little in their intimate relationships, striving for unattainable perfection, or feeling like a fraud in their professional lives. When I dig further, I find insecure-anxious daughters taking care of or being good for their Mom instead of looking out for themselves.

Find out if you are the Good Daughter – go here to take the quiz- It’s quick, and it’s free.

 

How are you good for mom in ways that might be bad for you?

Let me know in the comments.

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: covert mothers, Daughters, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Doubt, parentified daughters, parenting daughters, setting boundaries, standing up to mom

“Is My Mom A Narcissist?” What You Need To Know

February 17, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

Is my mom a narcissist ?

Is my Mom a Narcissist?

You’ve always known something was off about Mom.

Maybe you wondered if there were something legitimately wrong with her. You might have noticed how she makes everything about her and goes off the rails if you challenge her.  You may have even thought it was your fault. If only you were better somehow, less sensitive, not so much trouble…maybe she would treat you better. You have friends who say their mother is their best friend, and you wonder how that works. Yours is barely supportive, at least not consistently supportive. Lately, you’ve been wondering, “Is my Mom a Narcissist?”

Here is everything you need to know to decide for yourself.

I have to warn you, discovering your mom is a Narcissist can be quite a shock. Learning that something serious is wrong with your mother can be both a relief and unsettling at the same time.

So I’m going to take it slow and steady.

 I will show you-

  •  How Narcissism is diagnosed in the general population
  •  How to spot Narcissism in your mother
  •  Ways a mother’s Narcissism affects her daughter.
  • What happened to mom to make her Narcissistic
  • Can Mom ever change?

****Stay with me until the end of the article.  By the end, you will know what makes your mother tick and how to deal with her.

Let your empowerment begin. 

.

Got power

How Narcissism is diagnosed in the general population

Let’s begin with the Diagnostic Statistical Manual that professionals use to diagnose mental illness. If we consult the DSM-5 Narcissistic personality disorder is defined  as comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following nine criteria:

  • Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects to be recognized as superior without actually completing the achievements)
  • Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love.
  • Believes that they are “special” and can only be understood by or should associate with other special people (or institutions).
  • Requires excessive admiration.
  • Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with his or her expectations).
  • Is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
  • Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others.
  • Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
  • Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes

AT LEAST  that’s what the male version looks like.

Lying, eye-rollingly self-absorbed, and self-promoting, … you can spot a male Narcissist from a mile away. A Narcissistic mother, not so much.

When it comes to women, it is estimated that 4.8% of women have NPD. Even though the same criteria apply, it may translate differently. Women are socialized to cover up these overt, braggadocious, self-aggrandizing, off-putting behaviors. Her Narcissism may be covert and fly right under the radar of social acceptability. Oftentimes, only her daughter knows the truth of who Mom really is. (Also, many women have traits of Narcissism without having a full-blown personality disorder.) But first, you need to know what you are dealing with.

How to spot Narcissism in your mother

Is my mom a narcissist?

After 30 years of counseling women and seeing them struggle with not knowing why their mothers make them feel so crappy, I’ve identified a few kinds of Narcissistic mothers. See if any or all apply to your mother.

The mother who needs to look perfect (Grandiosity)

is my mom a narcissist?  

This Mom’s life is one PR stunt, window dressing, and cover-up all rolled into one.

She needs to look perfect (or at least superior) to the outside world, and your job is to help her do just that. Your manners, grades, anything you do that people can see must reflect well on Mom. Because, underneath all that superiority, one inescapable fear drives your mother: What will people think?

This concern over what other people might think may override any concern about how her relationship with you feels.

Hiding any evidence of problems or struggle is even more important than looking good. There isn’t any room for missteps in Mom’s carefully constructed fantasy world, no visible margin for error. This rigidity is the one element that separates the mother who is pleased when her children reflect well on her from the Narcissistic mother, who absolutely cannot bear it to be otherwise. What makes her tick?

Why she does it

Underneath her defensive veneer of superiority is a scared, lonely person who is terrified of being seen for who she truly is. And who she is (in her mind) is not good enough. She is directly transferring her own most dreaded fear onto you, giving you that burden to bear, as it were.

To defend herself against this fear, your mother needs to look unique.  Her daughter must be a walking billboard, living evidence that Mom is indeed special, more special than anyone. Which leads me too…

The Mother Who Needs to Win (Superiority) 

Is my mother a narcissist?

Some mothers judge, micromanage, weigh-in, comment, and critique because they need to be the person with all the answers. Mothers like this feel compelled to top you no matter what. Whatever your opinion, they will counter with one of their own. If something bad happened to you, they had it worse.

Whatever you do, in Mom’s mind, you need correcting, setting straight, fixing, bettering, and improving. And Mom is just the person to do it. After all, who knows you better than your mother? So, when it comes to who you need to be and what you’re doing wrong, she is always right (and never sorry).

It’s as if you’d only do as Mom says; life (and you) would be perfect.

Even on those rare occasions when you eke out what feels like a victory- when Mom seems happy with you-you, you know one false step, and you slip right off that pedestal. You are always one conversation away from another piece of Mom’s advice, wanted or not.

You feel pressure to live out the myth that Mom knows best and is always looking out for you. Even after you have long outgrown that need, she can’t relinquish her role as the authority, the one with the power. What drives her? 

Why She Does It
The mother who needs to win needs to feel special because, deep down, she is insecure. She may look confident on the outside, but inside, her feelings of inadequacy can only overcome by making you feel “less-than.”

Mom isn’t worried about your self-esteem—she’s far more driven to elevate her own lest she falls into the abyss of unworthiness. It’s a slippery slope for her. Give you a leg up and down she goes. Her need to defeat you or at least keep you in your place is a cruel consequence of her insecurity. Constantly one-upping you or putting you down allows Mom to feel superior and, more importantly, relevant.

The sad truth is, (she fears) if you could get along without her, why would you choose to be with her? And now for the final kind of Narcissistic mother.

The Mother Who Wants a Do-Over (lacks empathy) 

projecting mom

A mother who treats you like a project, who is always making suggestions about how you can improve, may be trying to make herself whole by making you better. It goes without saying this does not work. She sees you as her do-over—more an extension of her than as an independent being.

Whether she appropriates your life for correction or glory, psychologists say she is relating to you as a narcissistic extension.

In real life, this means there is little daylight between the two of you. As her right arm, you are merely an extension of hers to trot out for show or examine for faults, while your purpose is to do her bidding and fight her fights as if they were your own. Which of course feels crappy.

That’s why she can criticize you without a thought as to how that criticism lands with you or demand you “behave” (as she defines it) rather than give you the space and respect to decide for yourself. She over-identifies with your successes and feels wounded by your setbacks and because she doesn’t experience you as a separate person with your own thoughts and feelings. And thus…

Mom can’t empathize with you, she is too busy overidentifying with you. 

Why She Does It
The Mom who wants a do-over can’t face the truth about herself. There are scary things hidden away in her psyche that she can’t contain through the defense mechanism of repression alone. As a result, she needs a container to hold all the stuff she wants to discard—and guess who gets to play the role of a garbage can? “Here, hold this, will you?” “Sure, Mom.”

This defense is called projection—Mom projects the unwanted parts of herself onto you and then endeavors to fix them…in you. This unconscious dynamic makes you Mom’s psychological trashcan and recycling receptacle all in one. Lucky you!

Ways a mother’s narcissism affects her daughter.

Throughout development, a child (that would be you) will exhibit a range of emotions—joy, anger, surprise, compassion, greed, happiness, sadness, and disgust—the full range. Yet, when Mom sees (and saw) feelings in you that she can’t face in herself, she overreacts and tries to stamp out whatever emotion you dared to display.

Because it’s not you she’s trying to do over; it’s her.

is my mom a narcissist?

A daughter’s response –

 Imposter Syndrome 
Depending on the severity of her need and how locked into this dynamic, you will try valiantly to look good for Mom. Everyday life struggles—with your career, your relationships, anything really—can send you into an anxious tailspin if you worry you are not measuring up. You wear a mask of perfection even though you feel anything but.

You buy into the myth that exceptional is the only acceptable standard, and if you feel you are falling short in some way, you do your best to hide it. As a consequence, you are prone to Imposter Syndrome.

You may look as though you don’t have a care in the world, but deep down inside, you may feel like a fraud just waiting for someone to find you out.

In this way, you carry Mom’s impossible dilemma: you are either worthless or spectacular. Which, more often than not, leaves you feeling worthless and very unspectacular.

Believing mother knows best 

You are prone to go along with the idea that Mom knows best and tell yourself that she only wants the best for you. Even though it irritates you on one level, it also seems normal that she is constantly correcting and “improving” you. Even if she doesn’t offer it, you seek out her input. That becomes the expectation. On a more unconscious level, you are careful not to outshine her.

You stay forever, her apprentice.

Thinking you are at fault and responsible for your mother’s happiness –

You keep falling for it—because of the unconscious pull to take care of Mom and make sure she’s okay.

Unconsciously, you think if you can just become whatever she wants you to be, you will finally be Good Enough. But you can’t. So, the doing-over never ends.

“Looking back, mom never let me have my own life. She tried to take over every aspect of my life…for all of my life. Although I had no way of understanding why at the time, any independence on my part was taken as a rejection of her. I never wanted to hurt her; I just wanted to live my own life.”

Like most clients on my psychotherapy couch, Susan couldn’t understand (as a child) that her mother was operating out of deep insecurity.

No child can.

Narcissism or traits of the disorder all have, at their core, deep insecurity. And, this disorder develops in an attempt to manage that insecurity.

A child can’t grasp that the person they depend on is empty. So empty; in fact, she doesn’t have much to give and is psychologically driven to take. The technical word for this is “appropriation.” A Narcissistic mother psychologically appropriates her daughter’s life to meet her unmet needs.

Most vulnerable is her empathetic, attuned daughter, trapped in the role of the good daughter. Her life is quietly appropriated as she tries to make her mother happy. She doesn’t know she has a choice.

is my mom a narcissist?

It makes you wonder…

what happened to mom to make her Narcissistic?

Your mother’s narcissism probably started in very early childhood, where she didn’t get the quality love and care she needed to get off to a good emotional start.

Just as you needed to see the delight in your mother’s eyes when you were a baby, she needed the same.  Bringing joy to our caregivers is the origin of what psychologists call narcissistic supplies.

Narcissistic people get “that way” because they are low on those supplies.

This means, if your mother is Narcissistic, she didn’t feel special enough as a child for simply being herself. When a person comes out of early childhood with a deficit in these supplies, she goes through life trying to fill up this internal emptiness.

That’s why your mother is likely very concerned about how she looks to the world and may exert a lot of effort in living up to cultural, religious, or familial ideals constructing and maintaining a carefully curated façade. She acts as if she has something to prove. And that’s because…well…she does.

So, she spends a lifetime trying to convince both herself and everyone around her that she is, indeed, worth something.

For some mothers, these efforts to look perfect or important are grandiose and overt. However, a covert Narcissistic mother keeps her quest to look perfect, more subtle, and hidden. Disguising her need to be special by micromanaging her daughter’s every move, this covert Narcissism looks on the outside as if she is sacrificing for her children. In reality, she’s transferring her need to be special to her child.

Because the Narcissistic mother has a leak in the bucket of her self-esteem—no matter how she manages to fill the bucket, whatever she puts in, will keep leaking out.

As a daughter, you’ve likely spent your life on the front lines, hauling bucket after bucket back to refill Mom’s leaky one and, of course, failing because it is an impossible task.

Ironically, while you work overtime to make Mom happy, because of her internal emptiness, Mom has a difficult time empathizing with you. She may delight in you when you’re making her look good but feel unsettled and become critical when you struggle.

Can Mom ever change?

Depending on the level of Narcissism, Mom may or may not be able to change. Two variables tell the tale- pervasiveness and persistence.

Pervasiveness– Mom’s who check every one of the boxes, grandiose, manipulative, entitled, and exploitive most… if not all of the time, are less likely to change.

Persistent– Mom’s who rarely show empathy, consideration of others, even a willingness to play fair in some aspect of their life and lie freely and without remorse is less likely to change.

Here’s why-

The defenses – grandiosity, entitlement, and exploitation act as armed guards keeping the beast of shame and low self-esteem at the core of the Narcissist’s psyche out. The full-blown personality disordered Mom will fight to the psychological death not to give them up. She can’t afford to give up any ground at all; at least the whole construct of her false specialness crumble.

Ironically the very defenses that she feels protect her doom her from allowing her to feel the vulnerability necessary to create and maintain intimate relationships.

To change or get better, Mom would have to give up her defenses and be vulnerable.  A mother who only brings out the big guns of superiority and entitlement some of the time has a greater capacity for change. This mother is more likely to have suffered specific trauma and has traits of narcissism instead of qualifying for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. The Mom who has traits of NPD might be able to change if you lead the way. Either way, changing the way you relate to her is the only way she will change.

You hold all the cards. You just need a strategy.

In summary – to answer your question “Is my mom a narcissist?” there are several factors to consider.

  1. Does she need to look perfect and be superior to others? Does she show little remorse for breaking the rules and no genuine empathy for others? Is she always right and never genuinely sorry?  Depending on how severe and persistent, you can be certain Narcissism is at play here.
  2. Narcissism can look different in women and mothers in particular. The underlying drives are still there; they show themselves in more covert ways.
  3. How your mother makes you feel is a significant clue about her style of relating and, thus, her. Do you feel trust and respected or used and appropriated?
  4.  Whether Mom’s defenses are persistent and pervasive tells you whether or not she is likely to change.

Whether your Mom is a full-blown narcissist or high in narcissistic traits, knowing what drives your mother is the first step in learning how to deal with her and empower yourself.

Awareness is the key to your empowerment.

To break free from this disempowering dynamic … get my guide  –The Good Daughter’s Guide the Freedom.

You’ll be glad you did.

 

.

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, imposter syndrome, parentified daughters, self esteem

Dear Teenaged Daughter -The Story of How I Let You Go And What I Learned 

August 18, 2019 by Katherine Fabrizio

 

 

 

 

The heartbreak and gift of letting your daughter go

Dear Teenaged Daughter,

(written 10 years ago) 

You have that far away look in your eyes now. Home isn’t the center of your universe.

I knew it would be this way. I just didn’t know how much it would hurt.

That open face in the photo I have of you as a toddler, so eager and trusting of me- where did she go? Where did you go?

Yet, I reflect… my own mother struggled with letting me go, and I swore I’d do better. I just didn’t know it would hurt so much.

Now, made-up eyes and a knockout figure, you look down your pretty nose and smirk at the rest of us as though we were clueless trolls. I mispronounce the name of your favorite clothing store and you shudder visibly in disgust.

Even your compliments have a patronizing air.

Yesterday, the universe threw me a small crumb.

Watching TV in my bed, you were exhausted, and, uncharacteristically, fell asleep in my arms. It reminded me of when you were a baby and I’d let my arm go numb rather than move it and disturb your sleep. I thought to myself, if this is the last time I hold you, I dare not move.

I know I can’t make it “all better” anymore- but maybe you could just rest awhile in mommy’s arms.

Without words, lectures, questions, opinions between us, I hear your strong heartbeat; your breathing slow, your warm body loses its resistance and melts into mine. Yes, just like when you were little before you could talk.

Before we let the words-opinions-lectures get in the way. Before you found me out to be the imperfect being that I am.

Once upon a time, I was the mommy who made it all better, not the mommy who gets it all wrong.

Your need conjured my milk, my love, my comfort…

You awakened my inner movie star. I had, at long last, been discovered. I sang you show tunes and we danced. You squealed with delight. When you were hungry, I nursed you. When you were tired or cranky, I rocked you to sleep. You took naps in my arms and full-time residence in my heart.

You accepted me in ways I couldn’t accept myself. Now you reject me in ways I don’t understand.

So, little girl, rest your pretty head on my shoulder. Take a break from your hurry to grow up, your hurry to leave. I think I’ll take a break from trying to improve, cajole, and advise you.

Remember the perfection we had without even trying- before you found out you would have to leave. Before I started worrying if you have everything you need.

This may not be the last time I hold you close, but I know there will be a last time.

The train is coming for you and you are packing your bags. You have a one-way ticket.

Each time you leave the house you never return completely. Home is becoming more of a layover, instead of the destination, it is for the rest of us.

I know you need to make a home inside of yourself, and your dreams the destination. This, I know, is the only way.

Still, it hurts.

So let me hold you and we can remember a time when I had everything you needed, our perfection restored. We can both pretend we don’t hear that whistle calling you, and my heart isn’t on that track.

 (10 years later)-

More than a decade has passed and we are sharing a glass of wine in the home you now make with your husband, almost 3-year old daughter, and infant son.

We made it to the other side. Because you were brave enough to leave and I found the strength to let you go.

What looked only like a loss to me then… looks different to me now.

With a tender heart, I watch your 3-year old daughter load up her stroller with baby dolls and announce she is going to “work”.

Although I say nothing, I hear that haunting train whistle in the distance-the whistle that will call your precious daughter into her own life. I know what’s coming….who will leave, and whose heart will be on that track.

When the time comes, I hope to once again hold your hand and wipe your tears. 

I have faith you will find the strength to set her free. Finding that strength inside of yourself, you will give her the gift you never wanted to give and it will break your heart.

Yet, you will see mothers who can’t let go; cripple their daughters, and steal their daughter’s chance of claiming a life they could call their own.  

You will know the price those daughters pay is much too high.

So, without martyrdom, but with strength, you will do what needs to be done. And, you will be better for it. Fashioned from the pieces of your broken heart, you will acquire an expanded heart-one of compassion, wisdom, and grace.

• The compassion of a mother who knows her daughter’s dreams for herself is more important than the dreams she has for her daughter.

• The wisdom of a mother who sees the need her daughter has to do it her way, not as a rejection of her but a declaration of herself.

• The grace of a mother who knows a heart chained is a heart that is never truly hers, but the one she sets free can be hers forever.

Then and only then will you know this: Of the many gifts you will give your daughter, after loving her, the gift of letting her go is the hardest gift and the greatest gift you have to give her.

Do you suffer from the Good daughter syndrome? Take the quiz here, it’s free.

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Parenting Issues Tagged With: covert mothers, Daughters, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, empathic parenting, imposter syndrome, letting your daughter go, mom's who won't let go, parentified daughters, parenting daughters

Helicopter Mom Or Covert Narcissist ? Here’s A Fool-Proof Way To Tell

June 9, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

Is Mom a helicopter, overly involved mother…or does she suffer from covert narcissism?

Mom knows best! Mom to the rescue! Mom is always right! Right? Humm.. the culture stands back and cheers, loudly! But where does good intention end and overreach begin? A closer look at the covert narcissistic mother would show you this mother micromanages her daughter’s every move.  She pushes for perfection in her relentless pursuit to orchestrate her daughter’s successes and her parenting glory.

What’s wrong with that you might ask? Doesn’t every mother want what’s best for her daughter? The problem is…this level of involvement isn’t necessarily best for her daughter. While the culture sees her as a saint, the perfect mom, the psychological truth is … this Mom is appropriating her daughter. Mom is living through her daughter rather than letting her daughter live. 

Unlike the braggadocious narcissistic male counterpart, the covert narcissistic mother gathers up her narcissistic supplies in more underground, covert ways. Attuned to social expectations, she uses her position as a doting mother & super mom as cover.

These mothers involve themselves in their daughter’s every decision—so involved, in fact, that their daughters are not allowed to make decisions on their own. This level of intimacy between mother and daughter may be seen by many as, “all good.”

“Look, they are so close. She tells her mother everything. They are just alike. “

However, a more careful look reveals a destructive dynamic.  Mom’s needs for relevance is met at the expense of her daughter’s need for independence and self-sufficiency. The apparent closeness of the mother-daughter relationship can obscure the reality of the situation—Mom is relying on her daughter in ways that are unhealthy.

Does the covertly narcissistic mother know what she is doing? I would say, rarely, if ever. It depends on the level of narcissism.  On the extreme end, (enough to qualify for NPD) Mom feels compelled, driven in fact, to pour herself into her daughter’s life without possessing the reflective capacity to see the negative effects of doing so.

The narcissistic defense renders her emotionally blind to what she is doing to her daughter.  In this case, the needs of the mother, not the daughter, are the central driving force in the relationship.

If, on the other hand, she only has traits of covert narcissism (and what mother doesn’t, hand raised) mom can step back and consider if her involvement benefits her daughter. She enjoys her daughter’s successes and her part in them, but she doesn’t need it for emotional survival.

 One thing is for certain. The daughter feels it, especially the daughter trapped in the role of the “good” daughter.T he daughter feels the difference between having a mother who is a bit over involved and a mother who is a covert narcissist. She can feel it on a gut level.

If you are the daughter, try this exercise-

 Imagine telling your mother “No”.

“No, it isn’t a good time to talk.”

“No, I don’t like the dress you picked out for me. It isn’t my style.”

No, I won’t be spending Thanksgiving day with you. We will be at my in-laws. “

Does this feel mildly awkward or do you respond with, “OMG I could never say that”? Why? What makes the difference in how you respond? The daughter of the covert narcissist bumps up against an unconscious taboo she didn’t know was there. The taboo has such force; she will do anything to avoid it-including sabotaging her own happiness.

And, what is this taboo? She can’t, mustn’t, shouldn’t… reject Mom. Why? Mom’s psyche can’t handle it.

 What’s going on here- 

Mom’s insecurity is the central reason for her narcissism. The narcissistic defense is standing guard at the edge of a bottomless pit of mom’s need and feelings of worthlessness. That’s why mom can’t withstand rejection. Rejection threatens to push her over the psychological edge. Any hint of rejection is met with a steely look, tone of voice, or a stony silence that can last for days.

The attuned empathetic daughter in the role of the “good daughter”  carries this burdensome knowledge around in her psyche and her body. She can’t unknow what she knows.

Her attunement to mom locks her into an impossible dilemma. She is faced with the choice, take care of mom or take care of herself. In this way, what’s good for mom can be very bad for her daughter. Many mothers today feel enormous pressure to over-involve themselves in their daughters’ lives. This involvement doesn’t have to end in dysfunction. However, the mothers who can’t let go when the time comes are at risk for hurting their daughters. The daughters most attuned to mom and her needs are at risk of getting stuck in the “good” daughter role and suffering from what I call the Good daughter Syndrome.

Find out if you are suffering from the “Good” daughter Syndrome here.

There is a way out and a way home to yourself.

But first, you need to know what you are dealing with. Awareness is power. Get yours. 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues Tagged With: Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, parentified daughters

Moms Who Cling to Their Daughters: The Destructive Effects

May 2, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

( Moms who cling to their daughter)

When Mom clings to her daughter and stops looking for closeness with her husband… she sets a dysfunctional destructive cycle in motion. 

This destructive dynamic happens all too easily. Dad says something clueless or in mom’s view, thoughtless, and a knowing glance towards her daughter is followed by an EYEROLL. Before you know it, mom and daughter have a repertoire of jokes, mutual understandings and you guessed it -a  closer relationship than her parents have with each other.

This dynamic originally makes Mom feel affirmed and her daughter enjoys a free ticket into the adult world of relating. A ticket, I would argue that does more harm than good. Because the daughter isn’t developmentally equipped to handle the adult realm of an emotional partnership (and shouldn’t be), the partnership she has with mom is by definition, one-sided. It is not the partnership of equals.

If this dynamic continues, what happens?

Over time an implicit familial agreement solidifies; a daughter is the only one who “gets mom” and therefore she feels the pressure to see that mom’s emotional needs are met. More times than not her parent’s marriage grows stale and the daughter is trapped in a dynamic that holds her back from following her own developmental trajectory- the role of the “good” daughter. All may look picture perfect on the outside, no divorce, a father in the home and mother/daughter closeness-

What could be wrong with that?

In this case, just about everything.

The beautiful family Holiday card hides a dysfunctional secret. Mom and dad’s marriage is dead on the vine and the attuned daughter trapped in the role of the good daughter is sacrificing her normal striving for independence. In this stifling environment, nothing healthy grows. 

Conversely, in a healthy family environment, the parents are attending to each other’s needs well enough so that the children are free to develop, differentiate and eventually set off on their own. In this darker dysfunctional scenario, the daughter is trapped in an impossible dilemma. Because she is attuned to mom and knows her moods like the back of her hand, she feels it is her job to take emotional care of mom.

Because of this clinging, the daughter may feel she can’t leave mom. She may be unaware of feeling guilty and unconsciously sabotage her own attempts at growing up. At the unconscious level, the daughter may feel that in growing up she is betraying mom.

Anxiety, depression, or eating disorders may have at their psychological core a daughter who doesn’t feel she has permission to grow up and away from mom. Like a Chinese finger trap, the grip only tightens when she tries to get free. Attempts to differentiate bring on guilt that constricts and suffocates.

How does this dynamic play out?

When the daughter does dare try and pull away from mom, mom grows more and more controlling. Mom can’t let go. What are normally tense times around boys, makeup, and clothing choices become full-out Amagedon battles to the death- the death of the daughter’s independence. Mom becomes ultra-critical of her daughter.

What underlies this criticism? It isn’t that her daughter is doing anything (necessarily) wrong, the ultra criticalness stems from mom’s realization her daughter is growing up and away from her. This is confusing and unfair for her daughter who doesn’t understand why she is suddenly coming under fire. In response to mom’s hyper control, daughters frequently respond in one of two ways;

1)  They buckle under, lose their quest for independence and often times with it their thirst for life.  They turn in on themselves in destructive ways. Depression, cutting, eating and anxiety disorders are all ways girls turn the rage they feel in on themselves.

2) Alternatively, they meet fire with fire, control with counter control and wage all-out defiance of their mother’s control- Alcohol and drug abuse, promiscuity or random rule-breaking. In a perfect dysfunctional storm, they express their rage in a way that will cause them to feel shame and guilt, resulting in a return to mother “who knows best”.

Often times, parentified daughters go underground and hide their acting out behaviors. They continue to feel ashamed of themselves and don’t have a full understanding of their actions.

Because of the built-up rage at having been unfairly handed a role that wasn’t their’s, to begin with, coupled with crippling guilt at betraying mom, some daughters act out in ways that express that rage while making them feel bad about themselves. A perfect storm of enmeshment, rage, guilt, and betrayal results in a cycle that ends with the daughters return to her partnership with mom. Neither response, either internalizing the battle or throwing themselves into an external battle help them gain an independence they can feel good about

 

What happens when the parentified daughter has her own daughter? Both the complacent daughter and the former rebel are likely to return to the fold without having fully established themselves as separate adults. Life may feel bleached of its vibrancy and the adult good daughter may not know why.

If mom stays at the center of her emotional life her adult daughter will have a hard time establishing and maintaining a full sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with her adult partner. Sadly, without awareness, she will also have difficulty letting her daughter fly guilt-free into her own life. Yet, with awareness and hard work, the cycle can be broken.

It is never too late to live fully into your own life.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

 

When Mom clings to her daughter and stops looking for closeness with her husband... she sets a dysfunctional destructive cycle into motion. Click To Tweet Anxiety, depression, or eating disorders can have at their psychological core a daughter who doesn't feel she has permission to grow up and away from mom. Click To Tweet When a daughter is attuned to mom and knows her moods like the back of her hand, she may feel it is her job to take emotional care of mom. Click To Tweet If mom stays at the center of her emotional life her adult daughter will have a hard time establishing and maintaining a full sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with her adult partner. Click To Tweet When daughters are parentified, both the complacent daughter and the former rebel are likely to return to the fold without having fully established themselves as separate adults. Click To Tweet A perfect dysfunctional storm of enmeshment, rage, guilt, and betrayal can result in daughter's return to her partnership with mom without having established a healthy independence. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Daughters, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Independence, parentified daughters, Self-Doubt

When Mom Looks to Her Daughter To Be Her Emotional Partner- Why Maternal Parentification Is a Problem

April 18, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

( Here is what maternal parentification looks like) 

“Help, my Mother won’t let go- Mom calls me many times a day and I  don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can.I know this hurts her feelings but what she doesn’t realize is this – “I am swamped with guilt,  I feel suffocated and resentful. Where did I sign on to be her emotional partner? I wish she would let me live my own life. “

As a psychotherapist for over 30 years, I have heard this more times than I can count. 

Daughters who just want the space to live their own lives without mom’s emotional clinging.

The reason for mom’s over-involvement range from full-blown personality disorder to differing cultural expectations. If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline or Addicted her attuned daughter may be trapped in the role of the good daughter.  She takes on an emotional burden that was never supposed to be hers.

How does this happen?

Sometimes mom is divorced and hasn’t successfully recoupled. Other times mom has checked out of her relationship with her husband and has a long-standing pattern of looking to her daughter for emotional support. Either way- When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary partner, instead of their partner or peer this interferes with their daughter’s emotional growth. This makes her daughter feel guilty for growing up and leaving home.

Looking to daughters for this level of closeness is called parentification and holds daughters back from living their lives. 

When mom has serious psychological difficulties, this difficult dynamic is put on steroids! Mom goes nuclear if she detects her daughter is pulling away. Using epic levels of guilt, the disturbed mother will stop at nothing to bring her daughter back into her realm of influence.

The unspoken rule is this- the daughter is responsible for mom’s emotional well-being. 

Letting go of your daughter will break your heart and is the most important gift you can give her. I should know.

Either way, these daughters end up feeling a debilitating guilt for their natural strivings for independence. If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped inside of an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of making a healthy separation for herself. This is very unhealthy for her daughter.

To find out if you are in the role of the “good” daughter – go here.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Romantic Relationship Issues Tagged With: Daughters, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Independence, parentified daughters, parenting daughters

The Good Daughter's Guide to Freedom

5 ways to break free and take back your life

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
5.0
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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