Daughters Rising

Dear Teenaged Daughter -The Story of How I Let You Go And What I Learned 

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

 

 

 

The heartbreak and gift of letting your daughter go

Dear Teenaged Daughter,

(written 10 years ago) 

You have that far away look in your eyes now. Home isn’t the center of your universe.

I knew it would be this way. I just didn’t know how much it would hurt.

That open face in the photo I have of you as a toddler, so eager and trusting of me- where did she go? Where did you go?

Yet, I reflect… my own mother struggled with letting me go, and I swore I’d do better. I just didn’t know it would hurt so much.

Now, made-up eyes and a knockout figure, you look down your pretty nose and smirk at the rest of us as though we were clueless trolls. I mispronounce the name of your favorite clothing store and you shudder visibly in disgust.

Even your compliments have a patronizing air.

Yesterday, the universe threw me a small crumb.

Watching TV in my bed, you were exhausted, and, uncharacteristically, fell asleep in my arms. It reminded me of when you were a baby and I’d let my arm go numb rather than move it and disturb your sleep. I thought to myself, if this is the last time I hold you, I dare not move.

I know I can’t make it “all better” anymore- but maybe you could just rest awhile in mommy’s arms.

Without words, lectures, questions, opinions between us, I hear your strong heartbeat; your breathing slow, your warm body loses its resistance and melts into mine. Yes, just like when you were little before you could talk.

Before we let the words-opinions-lectures get in the way. Before you found me out to be the imperfect being that I am.

Once upon a time, I was the mommy who made it all better, not the mommy who gets it all wrong.

Your need conjured my milk, my love, my comfort…

You awakened my inner movie star. I had, at long last, been discovered. I sang you show tunes and we danced. You squealed with delight. When you were hungry, I nursed you. When you were tired or cranky, I rocked you to sleep. You took naps in my arms and full-time residence in my heart.

You accepted me in ways I couldn’t accept myself. Now you reject me in ways I don’t understand.

So, little girl, rest your pretty head on my shoulder. Take a break from your hurry to grow up, your hurry to leave. I think I’ll take a break from trying to improve, cajole, and advise you.

Remember the perfection we had without even trying- before you found out you would have to leave. Before I started worrying if you have everything you need.

This may not be the last time I hold you close, but I know there will be a last time.

The train is coming for you and you are packing your bags. You have a one-way ticket.

Each time you leave the house you never return completely. Home is becoming more of a layover, instead of the destination, it is for the rest of us.

I know you need to make a home inside of yourself, and your dreams the destination. This, I know, is the only way.

Still, it hurts.

So let me hold you and we can remember a time when I had everything you needed, our perfection restored. We can both pretend we don’t hear that whistle calling you, and my heart isn’t on that track.

 (10 years later)-

More than a decade has passed and we are sharing a glass of wine in the home you now make with your husband, almost 3-year old daughter, and infant son.

We made it to the other side. Because you were brave enough to leave and I found the strength to let you go.

What looked only like a loss to me then… looks different to me now.

With a tender heart, I watch your 3-year old daughter load up her stroller with baby dolls and announce she is going to “work”.

Although I say nothing, I hear that haunting train whistle in the distance-the whistle that will call your precious daughter into her own life. I know what’s coming….who will leave, and whose heart will be on that track.

When the time comes, I hope to once again hold your hand and wipe your tears. 

I have faith you will find the strength to set her free. Finding that strength inside of yourself, you will give her the gift you never wanted to give and it will break your heart.

Yet, you will see mothers who can’t let go; cripple their daughters, and steal their daughter’s chance of claiming a life they could call their own.  

You will know the price those daughters pay is much too high.

So, without martyrdom, but with strength, you will do what needs to be done. And, you will be better for it. Fashioned from the pieces of your broken heart, you will acquire an expanded heart-one of compassion, wisdom, and grace.

• The compassion of a mother who knows her daughter’s dreams for herself is more important than the dreams she has for her daughter.

• The wisdom of a mother who sees the need her daughter has to do it her way, not as a rejection of her but a declaration of herself.

• The grace of a mother who knows a heart chained is a heart that is never truly hers, but the one she sets free can be hers forever.

Then and only then will you know this: Of the many gifts you will give your daughter, after loving her, the gift of letting her go is the hardest gift and the greatest gift you have to give her.

Do you suffer from the Good daughter syndrome? Take the quiz here, it’s free.

 

 

Helicopter Mom Or Covert Narcissist ? Here’s A Fool-Proof Way To Tell

by Katherine Fabrizio

Is Mom a helicopter, overly involved mother…or does she suffer from covert narcissism?

Mom knows best! Mom to the rescue! Mom is always right! Right? Humm.. the culture stands back and cheers, loudly! But where does good intention end and overreach begin? A closer look at the covert narcissistic mother would show you this mother micromanages her daughter’s every move.  She pushes for perfection in her relentless pursuit to orchestrate her daughter’s successes and her parenting glory.

What’s wrong with that you might ask? Doesn’t every mother want what’s best for her daughter? The problem is…this level of involvement isn’t necessarily best for her daughter. While the culture sees her as a saint, the perfect mom, the psychological truth is … this Mom is appropriating her daughter. Mom is living through her daughter rather than letting her daughter live. 

Unlike the braggadocious narcissistic male counterpart, the covert narcissistic mother gathers up her narcissistic supplies in more underground, covert ways. Attuned to social expectations, she uses her position as a doting mother & super mom as cover.

These mothers involve themselves in their daughter’s every decision—so involved, in fact, that their daughters are not allowed to make decisions on their own. This level of intimacy between mother and daughter may be seen by many as, “all good.”

“Look, they are so close. She tells her mother everything. They are just alike. “

However, a more careful look reveals a destructive dynamic.  Mom’s needs for relevance is met at the expense of her daughter’s need for independence and self-sufficiency. The apparent closeness of the mother-daughter relationship can obscure the reality of the situation—Mom is relying on her daughter in ways that are unhealthy.

Does the covertly narcissistic mother know what she is doing? I would say, rarely, if ever. It depends on the level of narcissism.  On the extreme end, (enough to qualify for NPD) Mom feels compelled, driven in fact, to pour herself into her daughter’s life without possessing the reflective capacity to see the negative effects of doing so.

The narcissistic defense renders her emotionally blind to what she is doing to her daughter.  In this case, the needs of the mother, not the daughter, are the central driving force in the relationship.

If, on the other hand, she only has traits of covert narcissism (and what mother doesn’t, hand raised) mom can step back and consider if her involvement benefits her daughter. She enjoys her daughter’s successes and her part in them, but she doesn’t need it for emotional survival.

 One thing is for certain. The daughter feels it, especially the daughter trapped in the role of the “good” daughter.T he daughter feels the difference between having a mother who is a bit over involved and a mother who is a covert narcissist. She can feel it on a gut level.

If you are the daughter, try this exercise-

 Imagine telling your mother “No”.

“No, it isn’t a good time to talk.”

“No, I don’t like the dress you picked out for me. It isn’t my style.”

No, I won’t be spending Thanksgiving day with you. We will be at my in-laws. “

Does this feel mildly awkward or do you respond with, “OMG I could never say that”? Why? What makes the difference in how you respond? The daughter of the covert narcissist bumps up against an unconscious taboo she didn’t know was there. The taboo has such force; she will do anything to avoid it-including sabotaging her own happiness.

And, what is this taboo? She can’t, mustn’t, shouldn’t… reject Mom. Why? Mom’s psyche can’t handle it.

 What’s going on here- 

Mom’s insecurity is the central reason for her narcissism. The narcissistic defense is standing guard at the edge of a bottomless pit of mom’s need and feelings of worthlessness. That’s why mom can’t withstand rejection. Rejection threatens to push her over the psychological edge. Any hint of rejection is met with a steely look, tone of voice, or a stony silence that can last for days.

The attuned empathetic daughter in the role of the “good daughter”  carries this burdensome knowledge around in her psyche and her body. She can’t unknow what she knows.

Her attunement to mom locks her into an impossible dilemma. She is faced with the choice, take care of mom or take care of herself. In this way, what’s good for mom can be very bad for her daughter. Many mothers today feel enormous pressure to over-involve themselves in their daughters’ lives. This involvement doesn’t have to end in dysfunction. However, the mothers who can’t let go when the time comes are at risk for hurting their daughters. The daughters most attuned to mom and her needs are at risk of getting stuck in the “good” daughter role and suffering from what I call the Good daughter Syndrome.

Find out if you are suffering from the “Good” daughter Syndrome here.

There is a way out and a way home to yourself.

But first, you need to know what you are dealing with. Awareness is power. Get yours. 

 

 

 

 

Moms Who Cling to Their Daughters: The Destructive Effects

by Katherine Fabrizio

( Moms who cling to their daughter)

When Mom clings to her daughter and stops looking for closeness with her husband… she sets a dysfunctional destructive cycle in motion. 

This destructive dynamic happens all too easily. Dad says something clueless or in mom’s view, thoughtless, and a knowing glance towards her daughter is followed by an EYEROLL. Before you know it, mom and daughter have a repertoire of jokes, mutual understandings and you guessed it -a  closer relationship than her parents have with each other.

This dynamic originally makes Mom feel affirmed and her daughter enjoys a free ticket into the adult world of relating. A ticket, I would argue that does more harm than good. Because the daughter isn’t developmentally equipped to handle the adult realm of an emotional partnership (and shouldn’t be), the partnership she has with mom is by definition, one-sided. It is not the partnership of equals.

If this dynamic continues, what happens?

Over time an implicit familial agreement solidifies; a daughter is the only one who “gets mom” and therefore she feels the pressure to see that mom’s emotional needs are met. More times than not her parent’s marriage grows stale and the daughter is trapped in a dynamic that holds her back from following her own developmental trajectory- the role of the “good” daughter. All may look picture perfect on the outside, no divorce, a father in the home and mother/daughter closeness-

What could be wrong with that?

In this case, just about everything.

The beautiful family Holiday card hides a dysfunctional secret. Mom and dad’s marriage is dead on the vine and the attuned daughter trapped in the role of the good daughter is sacrificing her normal striving for independence. In this stifling environment, nothing healthy grows. 

Conversely, in a healthy family environment, the parents are attending to each other’s needs well enough so that the children are free to develop, differentiate and eventually set off on their own. In this darker dysfunctional scenario, the daughter is trapped in an impossible dilemma. Because she is attuned to mom and knows her moods like the back of her hand, she feels it is her job to take emotional care of mom.

Because of this clinging, the daughter may feel she can’t leave mom. She may be unaware of feeling guilty and unconsciously sabotage her own attempts at growing up. At the unconscious level, the daughter may feel that in growing up she is betraying mom.

Anxiety, depression, or eating disorders may have at their psychological core a daughter who doesn’t feel she has permission to grow up and away from mom. Like a Chinese finger trap, the grip only tightens when she tries to get free. Attempts to differentiate bring on guilt that constricts and suffocates.

How does this dynamic play out?

When the daughter does dare try and pull away from mom, mom grows more and more controlling. Mom can’t let go. What are normally tense times around boys, makeup, and clothing choices become full-out Amagedon battles to the death- the death of the daughter’s independence. Mom becomes ultra-critical of her daughter.

What underlies this criticism? It isn’t that her daughter is doing anything (necessarily) wrong, the ultra criticalness stems from mom’s realization her daughter is growing up and away from her. This is confusing and unfair for her daughter who doesn’t understand why she is suddenly coming under fire. In response to mom’s hyper control, daughters frequently respond in one of two ways;

1)  They buckle under, lose their quest for independence and often times with it their thirst for life.  They turn in on themselves in destructive ways. Depression, cutting, eating and anxiety disorders are all ways girls turn the rage they feel in on themselves.

2) Alternatively, they meet fire with fire, control with counter control and wage all-out defiance of their mother’s control- Alcohol and drug abuse, promiscuity or random rule-breaking. In a perfect dysfunctional storm, they express their rage in a way that will cause them to feel shame and guilt, resulting in a return to mother “who knows best”.

Often times, parentified daughters go underground and hide their acting out behaviors. They continue to feel ashamed of themselves and don’t have a full understanding of their actions.

Because of the built-up rage at having been unfairly handed a role that wasn’t their’s, to begin with, coupled with crippling guilt at betraying mom, some daughters act out in ways that express that rage while making them feel bad about themselves. A perfect storm of enmeshment, rage, guilt, and betrayal results in a cycle that ends with the daughters return to her partnership with mom. Neither response, either internalizing the battle or throwing themselves into an external battle help them gain an independence they can feel good about

 

What happens when the parentified daughter has her own daughter? Both the complacent daughter and the former rebel are likely to return to the fold without having fully established themselves as separate adults. Life may feel bleached of its vibrancy and the adult good daughter may not know why.

If mom stays at the center of her emotional life her adult daughter will have a hard time establishing and maintaining a full sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with her adult partner. Sadly, without awareness, she will also have difficulty letting her daughter fly guilt-free into her own life. Yet, with awareness and hard work, the cycle can be broken.

It is never too late to live fully into your own life.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

 

When Mom clings to her daughter and stops looking for closeness with her husband... she sets a dysfunctional destructive cycle into motion. Click To Tweet Anxiety, depression, or eating disorders can have at their psychological core a daughter who doesn't feel she has permission to grow up and away from mom. Click To Tweet When a daughter is attuned to mom and knows her moods like the back of her hand, she may feel it is her job to take emotional care of mom. Click To Tweet If mom stays at the center of her emotional life her adult daughter will have a hard time establishing and maintaining a full sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with her adult partner. Click To Tweet When daughters are parentified, both the complacent daughter and the former rebel are likely to return to the fold without having fully established themselves as separate adults. Click To Tweet A perfect dysfunctional storm of enmeshment, rage, guilt, and betrayal can result in daughter's return to her partnership with mom without having established a healthy independence. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

When Mom Looks to Her Daughter To Be Her Emotional Partner- Why Maternal Parentification Is a Problem

by Katherine Fabrizio

( Here is what maternal parentification looks like) 

“Help, my Mother won’t let go- Mom calls me many times a day and I  don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can.I know this hurts her feelings but what she doesn’t realize is this – “I am swamped with guilt,  I feel suffocated and resentful. Where did I sign on to be her emotional partner? I wish she would let me live my own life. “

As a psychotherapist for over 30 years, I have heard this more times than I can count. 

Daughters who just want the space to live their own lives without mom’s emotional clinging.

The reason for mom’s over-involvement range from full-blown personality disorder to differing cultural expectations. If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline or Addicted her attuned daughter may be trapped in the role of the good daughter.  She takes on an emotional burden that was never supposed to be hers.

How does this happen?

Sometimes mom is divorced and hasn’t successfully recoupled. Other times mom has checked out of her relationship with her husband and has a long-standing pattern of looking to her daughter for emotional support. Either way- When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary partner, instead of their partner or peer this interferes with their daughter’s emotional growth. This makes her daughter feel guilty for growing up and leaving home.

Looking to daughters for this level of closeness is called parentification and holds daughters back from living their lives. 

When mom has serious psychological difficulties, this difficult dynamic is put on steroids! Mom goes nuclear if she detects her daughter is pulling away. Using epic levels of guilt, the disturbed mother will stop at nothing to bring her daughter back into her realm of influence.

The unspoken rule is this- the daughter is responsible for mom’s emotional well-being. 

Letting go of your daughter will break your heart and is the most important gift you can give her. I should know.

Either way, these daughters end up feeling a debilitating guilt for their natural strivings for independence. If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped inside of an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of making a healthy separation for herself. This is very unhealthy for her daughter.

To find out if you are in the role of the “good” daughter – go here.

 

 

 

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