Daughters Rising

BPD Mother: 7 Effects She Has On Her Daughter

by Katherine Fabrizio

( The effect of being raised by a BPD mother )

For most children, Mom is a safe home base.

She is the lap you come home to… and the lap you push off from. In the developmental dance from dependence to independence, a daughter needs Mom as the solid base of support- a mature version of what you hope to become.

Ideally, Mom is the one who can make it all better when the world gets too scary.

But what if Mom is the scary one?

What if instead of being a port in the storm… Mom is the storm.

BPD mother

What if mom is raging, out of control, self-destructive… and unpredictable?

Where do you go? What do you do?

In those moments when you were a child, scared, hurting, and alone….  you turned to Mom, and Mom couldn’t help you.

Caught in a raging sea of emotion, she was pulled far away from you and into a world of her own.

An emotional child in a grownup body, Mom, didn’t have the bandwidth to help you with your struggles when she had so many of her own. So you were left out in the cold all on your own.

child on a BPD mother

Alternatively, sensing you wanted closeness, she drew you in close, too close.

While at first, this might have felt good… soon you realized the closeness was for her benefit, not yours. There was a demanding, clinging nature to it.

You couldn’t break away from a Mom who just can’t let go without bringing on her upset.

And like a drowning person, she clung to you as if her emotional life depended on it – her psychological death grip threatened to pull you under with her.

SUFFOCATING. OVERWHELMING. OPPRESSIVE.

Then, at other times you are left to witness Mom’s churning, frantic attempts to fill her unbearable emptiness with men or booze, drugs or drama?  Either you were collateral damage to the drama, or you were the focus of her drama.

SO.MUCH.DRAMA.

Either way, living in the emotionally upside-down world as a child with a BPD mother, you are left with emotional wounds that don’t go away just because you’ve gotten older.

An untreated BPD Mother, otherwise known as a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder, has trouble meeting the demands of parenting adequately. Her disorder will render her devoid of the stability, resilience, and maturity to be the central support every child needs.

And daughters, especially the attuned, sensitive daughter, will take on the role of the good daughter.

Let’s turn to the characteristics of a BPD mother that impact her child

In general,  the BPD Mother has primitive defenses or psychological coping mechanisms.

And…

children by definition have primitive psychological defenses. Thus being dependent on someone older and has the power over you but not the maturity can be terrifying for a child who has yet to develop those skills herself.   Children frequently repress their needs for the sake of the needy parent-clearly to the detriment of the child.

Here are some traits of the BPD mother that have a substantial impact  on her daughter

Mom’s 

  • fear of abandonment– because she didn’t have reliable, consistent caregivers at pivotal times in her development, she can be stuck on hyper-alert for signs a person close to them will leave them.
  •  instability and volatility– a combination of sensitivity and vulnerability, the BPD mother never develops a stable sense of self.
  • chronic sense of emptiness- lacking a reliable sense of core self, a BPD mother can turn to self-destructive impulsive activities in an attempt to fill the void.
  •  tendency to idealize and vilify others– through a process called splitting, Mom sees people and circumstances as all good or all bad. Thus here, relationships are frequently in turmoil.

7  Ways Your BPD Mother Impacted You

1. You walks on eggshells

” I never know when Mom is going to lose it and… over what. I end up walking on eggshells around her.”

Never knowing when her BPD Mother will get triggered and freak out (often, without warning), her daughter learns to tiptoe around Mom, suppressing her own needs in an attempt to avoid upsetting Mom.

walking on egg shells BPD mother

2. You can’t trust your judgment

“When it comes to making decisions I’m always second-guessing myself. I can’t trust I’ll make the right decisions when it comes to relationships.”

In early life, we look to our mothers to mirror the effect we have on them. Then, we extrapolate this primary relationship template to others. This happens at an automatic and mainly unconscious level.   When Mom experiences you as her heroine one minute and the villain the next,  you don’t know who you are in relation to others- how could you?

3. You keep waiting for the other shoe to drop

” I can’t let down my guard and relax. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop…..because in my experience, it usually does.”

A lifetime of her BPD mother’s unpredictable moods trains her daughter to be on constant high alert. In her experience, things go south, and they go south at the drop of a hat. You figure it’s better to expect it than to be taken by surprise. If you anticipate everything going sour, you won’t be taken by surprise when it does.

4. You constantly feel guilty

“I always feel like everything is my fault even when I know it isn’t. I’m terrified to dissapoint anyone for any reason.”

Daughters of BPD mothers frequently internalize the belief that they are soley responsible for their Mother’s happiness. Living with a BPD Mother trains her daughter to atttend to everyone else’s needs rather than her own. Thus she feels guilty when she attends to her own life.

5. You can’t say, “No.”

You would think I’ve committed a federal crime by the way Mom reacts… if I tell her, ” No.”  I can’t even consider it.”

Because the BPD mother can smell (or thinks she can) rejection a country mile away, she is triggered and becomes very upset. Thus, her daughter is afraid to refuse her mother anything.

 

 

6. You have trouble setting and sticking to boundaries

” Setting a boundary makes me feel like I’ve broken a rule I didn’t know was there. Mom gets so upset, it’s just not worth it.”

Since boundaries are the antidote to enmeshment, even a normal one sets off Mom’s alarm bells. No wonder the daughter of the BPD mother feels like she’s doing something wrong to set a boundary and is likely to cave at the first sign of pushback.

boundaries for the BPD mother

7. You wonder if you’re the crazy one.

” I’m not sure what is normal anymore. Life has been such a chaotic roller coaster I think I have permanent vertigo. I just want peace and normal life. ”

 

You’re not bad, and you’re not crazy. You were having an absolutely normal reaction to an abnormal situation.  Most likely, you’ve done the work of two people to survive. In fact, you’ve been doing a high wire act your entire life- balancing your BPD mother’s ever-changing needs with your own.

You don’t know that you can come down and take a seat. You don’t have to work so hard. It really isn’t up to you to keep another person afloat.

Understanding the impact a BPD mother’s parenting has had on you is the first step towards recovery.

Find out if you are caught in the good daughter trap here.

For one on one help -go here.

 

Dear Daughter – How I Let You Go And What I Learned 

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

 

 

 

The heartbreak and gift of letting your daughter go

Dear Teenaged Daughter,

(written 10 years ago) 

You have that far away look in your eyes now. Home isn’t the center of your universe.

I knew it would be this way. I just didn’t know how much it would hurt.

That open face in the photo I have of you as a toddler, so eager and trusting of me- where did she go? Where did you go?

Yet, I reflect… my own mother struggled with letting me go, and I swore I’d do better. I just didn’t know it would hurt so much.

Now, made-up eyes and a knockout figure, you look down your pretty nose and smirk at the rest of us as though we were clueless trolls. I mispronounce the name of your favorite clothing store and you shudder visibly in disgust.

Even your compliments have a patronizing air.

Yesterday, the universe threw me a small crumb.

Watching TV in my bed, you were exhausted, and, uncharacteristically, fell asleep in my arms. It reminded me of when you were a baby and I’d let my arm go numb rather than move it and disturb your sleep. I thought to myself, if this is the last time I hold you, I dare not move.

I know I can’t make it “all better” anymore- but maybe you could just rest awhile in mommy’s arms.

Without words, lectures, questions, opinions between us, I hear your strong heartbeat; your breathing slow, your warm body loses its resistance and melts into mine. Yes, just like when you were little before you could talk.

Before we let the words-opinions-lectures get in the way. Before you found me out to be the imperfect being that I am.

Once upon a time, I was the mommy who made it all better, not the mommy who gets it all wrong.

Your need conjured my milk, my love, my comfort…

You awakened my inner movie star. I had, at long last, been discovered. I sang you show tunes and we danced. You squealed with delight. When you were hungry, I nursed you. When you were tired or cranky, I rocked you to sleep. You took naps in my arms and full-time residence in my heart.

You accepted me in ways I couldn’t accept myself. Now you reject me in ways I don’t understand.

So, little girl, rest your pretty head on my shoulder. Take a break from your hurry to grow up, your hurry to leave. I think I’ll take a break from trying to improve, cajole, and advise you.

Remember the perfection we had without even trying- before you found out you would have to leave. Before I started worrying if you have everything you need.

This may not be the last time I hold you close, but I know there will be a last time.

The train is coming for you and you are packing your bags. You have a one-way ticket.

Each time you leave the house you never return completely. Home is becoming more of a layover, instead of the destination, it is for the rest of us.

I know you need to make a home inside of yourself, and your dreams the destination. This, I know, is the only way.

Still, it hurts.

So let me hold you and we can remember a time when I had everything you needed, our perfection restored. We can both pretend we don’t hear that whistle calling you, and my heart isn’t on that track.

 (10 years later)-

More than a decade has passed and we are sharing a glass of wine in the home you now make with your husband, almost 3-year old daughter, and infant son.

We made it to the other side. Because you were brave enough to leave and I found the strength to let you go.

What looked only like a loss to me then… looks different to me now.

With a tender heart, I watch your 3-year old daughter load up her stroller with baby dolls and announce she is going to “work”.

Although I say nothing, I hear that haunting train whistle in the distance-the whistle that will call your precious daughter into her own life. I know what’s coming….who will leave, and whose heart will be on that track.

When the time comes, I hope to hold your hand and wipe your tears. 

I have faith you will find the strength to set her free. Finding that strength inside of yourself, you will give her the gift you never wanted to give and it will break your heart.

Yet, you see mothers who can’t let go; cripple their daughters, and steal their daughter’s chance of claiming a life they can call their own.  

You will know the price those daughters pay is much too high.

So, without martyrdom, but with strength, you will do what needs to be done. And, you will be better for it.

Fashioned from the pieces of your broken heart, you will acquire an expanded heart-one of compassion, wisdom, and grace.

• The compassion of a mother who knows her daughter’s dreams for herself is more important than the dreams she has for her daughter.

• The wisdom of a mother who sees the need her daughter has to do it her way, not as a rejection of her but a declaration of herself.

• The grace of a mother who knows a heart chained is a heart that is never truly hers, but the one she sets free can be hers forever.

Then and only then will you know this: of the many gifts you will give your daughter, after loving her, the gift of letting her go is the hardest gift and the greatest gift you have to give her.

Do you suffer from the Good daughter syndrome? Take the quiz here, it’s free.

 

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