• Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Daughters Rising

  • About
  • Coaching
  • Resources
    • Blog
    • Book
    • Courses
      • Recovery
      • Therapist Training
  • Dealing with a Difficult Mom
  • Take the Quiz

Should I Go No Contact With My Mother?

January 12, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

There’s usually a last straw, a deal-breaker, the final insult you just can’t ignore.  You find yourself seriously asking…, ” Should I go no contact with my mother?”.

Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat.  Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.

You’ve reached the end of your rope, the last straw, and you can’t let her treat you this way.

Frankly, you don’t know what else to do.

Let me help you. I’ve lead hundreds of women just like you through the process of deciding if you should go no contact.

Below is your complete guide to help you decide.

At what point do you say ENOUGH?! Enough abuse, dysfunction, bullying, momma drama, intrusion, insults, and toxicity for one lifetime, you say.

Almost every daughter of a difficult mother I see in psychotherapy struggles with where to draw the line, and if to draw a hard line with her mother.

What does this look like in real life?

Seated on my psychotherapy couch, Sarah is in agony. ” I just can’t take one more discussion of my faults. Nothing is ever good enough for her. No matter what I do… she weighs in with criticism and judgment.  I get off the phone in tears feeling terrible about myself. Who needs that? I’d be better off never talking to her again.” 

In a later session, Emily says, “Mom’s a black hole. I constantly take care of her and have nothing left for myself. Her neediness is sucking the life out of me. Everything turns into a drama, and whatever happens, it’s always my fault. When will this end?”

Still later, Susan says,” My mother is toxic. She poisons everything she touches. She twists the truth and manipulates constantly to make herself look good instead of owing up to anything. I’ve had it with her lies and manipulations. After what she said to me yesterday, I am never speaking to that woman again!”

Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat.  Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.

There’s just no coming back from this one- you tell yourself.

Maybe she’s criticized you for the last time or created so much unnecessary drama she has exhausted all the goodwill, second chances, or patience you’ve got in you. Or you’ve exhausted yourself trying to please her and find…nothing is ever good enough for her.

Either way, you are out of emotional gas.

In the course of a psychotherapy day, I hear more than one daughter trapped in the role of the “good daughter”  of a difficult mother struggle with this one agonizing question, “Should I cut my mother off and go no contact?” 

Daughters of difficult mothers can’t imagine taking the abuse indefinitely, and they see only one way out… no contact.

This is indeed an option. In fact, sometimes it is the only acceptable option. Especially for daughters of mothers who fall on the antisocial, sociopathic end of the psychological spectrum, cutting off all contact can be the only way to save yourself.

So asking, should I go no contact with my mother? The short answer is probably “yes” if your mother is one of those Moms.

How can you tell?

When you feeling calm and not in a reactive mode, ask yourself:

  • Does Mom regularly break the law, lie, steal, or cheat without any show of remorse?
  • Is she intentionally cruel and seems to take pleasure in causing others misery?
  • Does she possess no capacity for empathy… no matter the circumstance?

 

This kind of Mom is frankly, rare. She is, however, someone you need to protect yourself from. If you can be 100% sure she is incapable of acting with basic human emotions, you need to get away… and fast. No contact is definitely in order.

But, for the majority of narcissistic, borderline, or personality disordered moms, many of whom land somewhere on a spectrum, you have other options to exercise before you deploy the nuclear option- going no contact.

Ask yourself, is Mom controlling, manipulative, and self-centered because it works for her or when her back is up against the wall? When the heat is off and she doesn’t feel threatened, can she show some empathy? Does she follow the rules in some aspect of her life, even when it isn’t to her advantage?

* I want to be sure you know- if your answer is yes, that doesn’t make Mom’s behavior okay in my book… not by a long shot. It just means she has other, more human psychological tools in her toolbox, ones that she can revert to using even if they are not her go-to default behaviors.

(You just have to give her enough reason to use them- but more on that later.)

 Feeling you have little choice and you may…

  1.  Insist Mom admit she is wrong and her daughter (you) are right.
  2. Insist Mom get into therapy and work on changing herself.
  3. Insist Mom change her personality.

And if not, you will go NO CONTACT! And if that’s what you are sure you want, to go no contact then go ahead by all means. Otherwise… not so fast.

What’s wrong with that you say? Mom is wrong and she needs to admit it before anything can change. She is the one that is messed up and needs help. Isn’t that obvious!

While I would totally agree with you on the points you make, in my experience, this approach almost never goes well.

You see Mom’s ways of thinking and doing things has been ingrained over years and years. She is very practiced at it and is unlikely to make a % 180-degree turn.

If you give Mom this kind of ultimatum, you are likely to get defensive push-back rather than the hoped-for concession.

 

But why, you ask? “I’m only asking for her to own her part in the dysfunction and agree to change her ways. Is that too much to ask”

The answer isn’t so much about what is fair… as it is about what is possible.

A mother whose personality structure has been dependent on deflecting blame and criticism is virtually allergic to taking responsibility for her actions. She will hardly EVER admit to being wrong, think she needs therapy, or commit to acting differently- at least, not in this lifetime.

Think of it this way: Mom has been using her defense mechanisms for pretty much her entire life, certainly way before you came along. As such, she will have encountered resistance to her ways. If none of the consequences she has encountered thus far has been enough to make her reconsider and self-reflect,  she is unlikely to give them up now.

In her mind, admitting she is wrong, messed up, or needs to change will dismantle her entire psychologically constructed house of cards. She will fight to the psychological death to give it up even if it destroys all her relationships in the process.

That doesn’t make it right but it does make it real. 

Yes, if Mom is that difficult, her walls are going to be hard to breach.

Does that mean Mom is hopeless and you have no other choice but to go no contact? I would argue- no, not right away- if at all. But, the change that needs to happen is within you. You have to get clear on the fact that you matter.

“Why is this so hard for me to do!”

Well, you see, the thing you need to do is the thing that is hardest for you to do. This is because you have had NO practice or support claiming your needs. Life as the Good daughter has revolved around your mother’s needs, moods, and preferences. It’s like a muscle you’ve hardly ever used. So it’s all but atrophied.

You don’t know that your needs, preferences, and opinions count TOO. Not yet, anyway. 

Ironically, demanding your mother change (and deep down knowing she won’t ) is just another version of making her the one that matters. Put her on the defensive and you will be dealt an onslaught of excuses, deflections, accusations, and well-worn arguments.  Either that or she will play the victim and crumble in a heap of tears designed to disarm you. Most difficult mothers have black belts in launching an offense as the best defense or playing the victim so you won’t hold her accountable. She’s been in training for this one her whole life.

What’s more, Before you know it- IT’S. ALL. ABOUT. HER…. AGAIN!

Here’s the other problem with deploying the “no contact” option right out of the gate.

After the anger subsides, and the amnesia of time washes over you, you are in danger of succumbing to the biggest boundary caving emotion of all- GUILT!  Especially for the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good” daughter, guilt has her in a vise grip. When the guilt sets in, I usually hear some variation of, “But she’s my MOTHER. She did the best she could. She didn’t let me starve. I’ll give her that. Besides, what would she do without me?  I can’t cut my own mother off, can I?”

BUT- let me tell you, feeling guilty and being guilty are two different things. You may feel guilty that you are destroying her life but only be guilty of wanting a healthy boundaried relationship.

You have to be prepared to not let her knock you off your game at the first sign of resistance.

Also, if you have some tenderness in your relationship with your Mom, guilt can swamp you and kill off your resolve as soon as you can say ” Mother May I?” Then, before you know it, you are back in the subservient position with Mom apologizing for upsetting her.

YUK! This was not exactly what you had in mind!

The truth is…. when you lay down any version of “this isn’t working for me ” it will cause some upset. Mom isn’t all of a sudden going to roll over and acquiesce. Nope, she is going to kick up a fuss of some kind- even if the fuss comes in the form of the silent treatment.

What is another approach?

An alternative (which may or may not lead up to no contact depending on Mom’s response)  is to set a boundary around something that is important to you but isn’t the biggest issue you have with Mom.  The key is to make sure it is something that is within your control.

5 examples of setting boundaries that are within your control.

  1. Telling Mom you aren’t ready/willing to share when she asks you something too personal.
  2. Returning Mom’s emails or phone calls on your schedule instead of hers.
  3. Telling Mom, right or wrong, you need to make your own adult decisions despite how she may feel about them.
  4. Telling Mom you are going to spend the holidays with your in-laws.
  5. Telling Mom you will have to agree to disagree on a political or religious issue.

What are the advantages of setting a boundary first – even if you ultimately go no contact down the road?

  • You can set a small (low emotional )boundary and expect and prepare for some push back. That way you can build the self-reliance muscle one small rep at a time.
  • You come from a place of thoughtful intention instead of defensive reaction.
  • Setting a boundary this way enhances your self-esteem and sense of sovereignty over your life.

*In this way you are signaling to Mom that you are taking charge of your life. You are the boss of you! Imagine that?  

Here’s a little-acknowledged secret- as powerless as you are used to feeling, you ultimately hold the power now that you are an adult.

What?????? That’s right. As an adult, you get to decide how much contact you have with your Mom. And here’s another little secret. Despite her actions, and sometimes because of them …deep down… she knows it too.

As a child, she had the power. As an adult, you hold the power. 

This is your first task. To realize and accept the full extent of your power. Her actions, no matter how misguided are designed to keep you from knowing this essential truth. Because when you realize it… she loses her hold on you.

Yes, it’s that simple.

So with that in mind-

Now you need to decide what is and is not okay with you, communicate it, and stick to your guns. 

That means, know what you plan to do if Mom crosses a line or exhibits a behavior you have decided is off-limits. Setting the limit doesn’t involve controlling her, but taking control of yourself. This is the key.

What would this look like?

Walk away, stop talking, end the phone conversation, ” Mom I’m going to hang up now”, ” Mom I’m not willing to talk about x with you anymore” ” Mom, I’ll let you know if I change my mind about x, disengage. These are choices that are within your power. It’s that simple and that hard but the effort is more internal than external.

Will Mom go along? I expect not!  When you set those expectations and communicate them most daughters say, “My mother won’t go for that.”

To that I say, of course, she won’t. If, you were to wait for mom to realize the error of her ways you might be waiting a lifetime.  Because mom has always called the shots in your relationship you assume that’s the way it will always be. 

In this healthier scenario, you aren’t asking her for permission, you are deciding for yourself the kind of adult relationship you want. 

Big difference. It’s time to take the reins of your own life. Having her in your life, or not, is your choice. You didn’t choose your mother but you can choose how you relate (or if you relate) to the mother you have.

Now let’s get down to the process that can get you there.

 3 mindest shifts to prepare- 

AWARENESS–  consider what it costs you when you abdicate your power to mom and let her call the shots. Are you going to live your life for your mother forever?

CONFIDENCE -find your voice and learn what stating your boundaries and limits sounds like, how to say it, and, what to say.

RESOLVE– steady yourself for the inevitable pushback you get when you set those boundaries. Did I say pushback? A tsunami of resistance would be more like it. You need to be emotionally prepared.

Will this be easy? Not on your life.

In fact, whether you get a minor tremor or a significant earthquake of resistance, is directly proportional to the level of dysfunction in your relationship. A healthy, balanced relationship involves both parties who consider each other’s interests and compromise.

While the resistance is undeniably upsetting, it also holds incredibly valuable information. When your reasonable request touches off explosive resistance, you know you have unearthed a landmine of dysfunction. And, you can’t deal with something you don’t know is there.

Then, depending on how mom responds- this is a great litmus test to see if Mom has defenses that are going to be problematic and unchangeable or if she can reverse course.

If you are clear and have internal resolve (admittedly a huge task), the rest will fall into place.

Not easily, or smoothly, but developing internal resolve is essential for your own healing whether or not your mother ever changes. By taking the upper hand, you have flipped the dynamics of the relationship. For the first part of your life, mom held the power. Now it’s your turn.

 

 

 

 

 

So, in summary – when you ask, “should I go no contact with my mother” remember –

Whether you go low contact, no contact, or “I’m taking a break for now” contact, if you have communicated your needs and limits, you can let her decide the level of contact by her actions and response. In effect you are saying, ” Mom here is where I stand,  you decide how you will show up in my life.” 

In this way, you take control of your life instead of hoping she will change.

*A Bonus-  you don’t have to shoulder all of the responsibility of deciding whether or not you and your mother have a relationship. With a wake-up call, mom may alter her approach. You don’t know until you try. Then, making the call about how much contact you want is based on real-life data.

One thing is for certain, hoping mom will change is not a strategy. Whatever her response, by exercising your power in this way, you build your confidence, and start living life on your own terms. 

And that is always a good place to start no matter where you end up!

 

To find out if you are trapped in the role of the good daughter go here.

Where are you in this?

Let me know in the comments.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Being Thoughtful, call-out, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Independence, self esteem

Moms Who Cling to Their Daughters: The Destructive Effects

May 2, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

( Moms who cling to their daughter)

When Mom clings to her daughter and stops looking for closeness with her husband… she sets a dysfunctional destructive cycle in motion. 

This destructive dynamic happens all too easily. Dad says something clueless or in mom’s view, thoughtless, and a knowing glance towards her daughter is followed by an EYEROLL. Before you know it, mom and daughter have a repertoire of jokes, mutual understandings and you guessed it -a  closer relationship than her parents have with each other.

This dynamic originally makes Mom feel affirmed and her daughter enjoys a free ticket into the adult world of relating. A ticket, I would argue that does more harm than good. Because the daughter isn’t developmentally equipped to handle the adult realm of an emotional partnership (and shouldn’t be), the partnership she has with mom is by definition, one-sided. It is not the partnership of equals.

If this dynamic continues, what happens?

Over time an implicit familial agreement solidifies; a daughter is the only one who “gets mom” and therefore she feels the pressure to see that mom’s emotional needs are met. More times than not her parent’s marriage grows stale and the daughter is trapped in a dynamic that holds her back from following her own developmental trajectory- the role of the “good” daughter. All may look picture perfect on the outside, no divorce, a father in the home and mother/daughter closeness-

What could be wrong with that?

In this case, just about everything.

The beautiful family Holiday card hides a dysfunctional secret. Mom and dad’s marriage is dead on the vine and the attuned daughter trapped in the role of the good daughter is sacrificing her normal striving for independence. In this stifling environment, nothing healthy grows. 

Conversely, in a healthy family environment, the parents are attending to each other’s needs well enough so that the children are free to develop, differentiate and eventually set off on their own. In this darker dysfunctional scenario, the daughter is trapped in an impossible dilemma. Because she is attuned to mom and knows her moods like the back of her hand, she feels it is her job to take emotional care of mom.

Because of this clinging, the daughter may feel she can’t leave mom. She may be unaware of feeling guilty and unconsciously sabotage her own attempts at growing up. At the unconscious level, the daughter may feel that in growing up she is betraying mom.

Anxiety, depression, or eating disorders may have at their psychological core a daughter who doesn’t feel she has permission to grow up and away from mom. Like a Chinese finger trap, the grip only tightens when she tries to get free. Attempts to differentiate bring on guilt that constricts and suffocates.

How does this dynamic play out?

When the daughter does dare try and pull away from mom, mom grows more and more controlling. Mom can’t let go. What are normally tense times around boys, makeup, and clothing choices become full-out Amagedon battles to the death- the death of the daughter’s independence. Mom becomes ultra-critical of her daughter.

What underlies this criticism? It isn’t that her daughter is doing anything (necessarily) wrong, the ultra criticalness stems from mom’s realization her daughter is growing up and away from her. This is confusing and unfair for her daughter who doesn’t understand why she is suddenly coming under fire. In response to mom’s hyper control, daughters frequently respond in one of two ways;

1)  They buckle under, lose their quest for independence and often times with it their thirst for life.  They turn in on themselves in destructive ways. Depression, cutting, eating and anxiety disorders are all ways girls turn the rage they feel in on themselves.

2) Alternatively, they meet fire with fire, control with counter control and wage all-out defiance of their mother’s control- Alcohol and drug abuse, promiscuity or random rule-breaking. In a perfect dysfunctional storm, they express their rage in a way that will cause them to feel shame and guilt, resulting in a return to mother “who knows best”.

Often times, parentified daughters go underground and hide their acting out behaviors. They continue to feel ashamed of themselves and don’t have a full understanding of their actions.

Because of the built-up rage at having been unfairly handed a role that wasn’t their’s, to begin with, coupled with crippling guilt at betraying mom, some daughters act out in ways that express that rage while making them feel bad about themselves. A perfect storm of enmeshment, rage, guilt, and betrayal results in a cycle that ends with the daughters return to her partnership with mom. Neither response, either internalizing the battle or throwing themselves into an external battle help them gain an independence they can feel good about

 

What happens when the parentified daughter has her own daughter? Both the complacent daughter and the former rebel are likely to return to the fold without having fully established themselves as separate adults. Life may feel bleached of its vibrancy and the adult good daughter may not know why.

If mom stays at the center of her emotional life her adult daughter will have a hard time establishing and maintaining a full sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with her adult partner. Sadly, without awareness, she will also have difficulty letting her daughter fly guilt-free into her own life. Yet, with awareness and hard work, the cycle can be broken.

It is never too late to live fully into your own life.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

 

When Mom clings to her daughter and stops looking for closeness with her husband... she sets a dysfunctional destructive cycle into motion. Click To Tweet Anxiety, depression, or eating disorders can have at their psychological core a daughter who doesn't feel she has permission to grow up and away from mom. Click To Tweet When a daughter is attuned to mom and knows her moods like the back of her hand, she may feel it is her job to take emotional care of mom. Click To Tweet If mom stays at the center of her emotional life her adult daughter will have a hard time establishing and maintaining a full sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with her adult partner. Click To Tweet When daughters are parentified, both the complacent daughter and the former rebel are likely to return to the fold without having fully established themselves as separate adults. Click To Tweet A perfect dysfunctional storm of enmeshment, rage, guilt, and betrayal can result in daughter's return to her partnership with mom without having established a healthy independence. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Daughters, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Independence, parentified daughters, Self-Doubt

When Mom Looks to Her Daughter To Be Her Emotional Partner- Why Maternal Parentification Is a Problem

April 18, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

( Here is what maternal parentification looks like) 

“Help, my Mother won’t let go- Mom calls me many times a day and I  don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can.I know this hurts her feelings but what she doesn’t realize is this – “I am swamped with guilt,  I feel suffocated and resentful. Where did I sign on to be her emotional partner? I wish she would let me live my own life. “

As a psychotherapist for over 30 years, I have heard this more times than I can count. 

Daughters who just want the space to live their own lives without mom’s emotional clinging.

The reason for mom’s over-involvement range from full-blown personality disorder to differing cultural expectations. If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline or Addicted her attuned daughter may be trapped in the role of the good daughter.  She takes on an emotional burden that was never supposed to be hers.

How does this happen?

Sometimes mom is divorced and hasn’t successfully recoupled. Other times mom has checked out of her relationship with her husband and has a long-standing pattern of looking to her daughter for emotional support. Either way- When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary partner, instead of their partner or peer this interferes with their daughter’s emotional growth. This makes her daughter feel guilty for growing up and leaving home.

Looking to daughters for this level of closeness is called parentification and holds daughters back from living their lives. 

When mom has serious psychological difficulties, this difficult dynamic is put on steroids! Mom goes nuclear if she detects her daughter is pulling away. Using epic levels of guilt, the disturbed mother will stop at nothing to bring her daughter back into her realm of influence.

The unspoken rule is this- the daughter is responsible for mom’s emotional well-being. 

Letting go of your daughter will break your heart and is the most important gift you can give her. I should know.

Either way, these daughters end up feeling a debilitating guilt for their natural strivings for independence. If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped inside of an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of making a healthy separation for herself. This is very unhealthy for her daughter.

To find out if you are in the role of the “good” daughter – go here.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Romantic Relationship Issues Tagged With: Daughters, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Independence, parentified daughters, parenting daughters

Here’s Why You Can’t “Make” Mom Happy – Although You Can Waste A Lifetime Trying

April 5, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

When you look back do you realize how much of your life you have tried to make mom feel better about herself?

Before you realized it was an impossible thankless job, did you spent much of your childhood being good for mom so mom would be happy?

You didn’t, couldn’t, realize it was a trap.

It didn’t work. It never works.

Before you grew up and started feeling the yearnings to live your own life you spent much of your time trying to make mom happy. Working to be good enough and get mom’s approval was a central motivator in your life.

If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Am I right?

 

 

Now as an adult, you might feel pretty angry about all the wasted effort.

Even if she is demanding, intrusive and entitled, underneath it all you could always tell mom was/is an unhappy person. She didn’t feel good about herself.

Despite playing the role of the Good Daughter, the deep insecurity that is at mom’s core is always driving mom.

When mom has a full-blown personality disorder, Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic  ( here is how to tell) you never had a chance.

You couldn’t get through the impenetrable wall that lets no light in and no light out. This is the nature of a defense.

If mom has traits of these disorders, is addicted or is buried under cultural oppression the effect on you can be much the same.

Perhaps you wore a mask and worked hard to present the perfect image so mom could be proud of you.  The only problem is this – you were suffocating inside and it never really worked.

You wonder what keeps mom from taking in any good feeling? Why did mom remain critical and demanding?

Why is it impossible to fill her up no matter how hard you try.

That emptiness that threatens to swallow both of you, the impenetrable wall is behind the defense I am talking about.

Take a look below.  This may help.

 

 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 00:02 So you might say to yourself, you know, I love, mom,  why can’t she take that love in and feel it? Why can’t that cure her narcissism?

Speaker: 00:19 The answer lies in these two words, Narcissistic Defense; because the defense is a costume that you wear to yourself to keep you unaware of what you’re really feeling at the core.Speaker: 00:29 So this is, this is just the paradox of like you know, we hear it with movie stars and stuff, they have plenty of Oscars and, and gorgeous red carpet looks and they’re touted as brilliant. and then we find out they feel like nothing.

Speaker: 00:44 It’s because when something is defended against when a feeling is so awful that there is a defense, think about defense against being in touch with that feeling. Then the feeling never gets touched.

Speaker: 01:00 There are not enough special accolades, awards or complements that really fill that person up because it’s kind of apples and oranges. You’re itching here and you scratch here, right?

Speaker: 01:15 So it’s, it’s so complicated and difficult, to understand that the person who has a narcissistic defense is not settled.

Speaker: 01:27 They’re not happy. They may be very opportunistic, they may be glowing and performing and look like they have it all, but underneath it all there main psychological energy is to keep way feeling nothing, feeling like nothing to not fall into the abyss of emptiness.

Postscript-

So you see- you really can’t make mom happy.

You can dance to her tune, jump when she says jump and meet all of her demands, but you can’t make her happy.

Happiness is an inside job. Her defenses keep you on the outside.

Letting this sink in can be both a relief and a frustration.

But…

Understanding the nature of defenses can ultimately set you free.

You can stop trying to do the impossible.

You can learn to set boundaries without being swamped with guilt, put limits on your time and energy so you can live your own life.

Here is a script to help you out.

And here’s a meditation to soothe your conscious and unconscious mind.

I’ve got you covered. You can do this.

To find out if you suffer from the “good” daughter syndrome go here–

Tweet it out. Raise Awareness. Break the cycle!

You can't make your unhappy mother happy, but you can waste a lifetime trying. Click To Tweet Did you spent much of your childhood trying to make mom happy? Click To Tweet Did you wear a mask and work hard to present the perfect image so mom could be proud of you... thinking that would make her happy? Many a daughter, trapped in the role of good daughter has done just that Click To Tweet So you see- you really can't make mom happy. You can dance to her tune, jump when she says jump and meet all of her demands, but you can't make her happy. Click To Tweet Happiness is an inside job. A difficult/Narcissistic mother's psychological defenses keep you on the outside. Click To Tweet Once Click To Tweet If at the core of your mother's unhappiness is her insecurity and try as you might, you can't change that. Click To Tweet Ironically, mom's Narcissistic defenses prevent her from taking in what she needs to feel truly good about herself. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Independence, Mom, Self-Doubt

When Mom Won’t Let Go; Why This is a Problem

December 13, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

“Mom calls me multiple times a day. Many times I just don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can. Her feelings are hurt and I can’t stop feeling guilty. She just can’t let go and I can’t live my own life. This is driving me crazy.”

As a psychotherapist, I have heard this more times than I can count. Does mom have a full-blown personality disorder or does she need a little help letting go? Either way- When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary emotional partner, this interferes with the daughter’s emotional growth.

This level of clinging prevents daughters from leaving home and making a healthy separation.

Looking to daughters for this level of closeness is called parentification and holds daughters back from living their lives fully.  Does Mom have an underlying personality disorder Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic or does she has traits of these disorders? If so, this difficult dynamic on put on steroids! Mom goes nuclear if she detects her daughter is pulling away. If mom is a Covert Narcissist her daughter feels suffocated by her mother’s needs but swamped with guilt for the resentment she feels. Either way, these daughters end up feeling guilty for their natural strivings for independence.

If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped inside of an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of making a healthy separation for herself. This is very unhealthy for her daughter. 

What does this mean for a daughter connecting with a life partner?

When a daughter leaves home and makes a healthy separation from mom and dad ideally she transfers her primary emotional connection from her parents to her partner. No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both. Moms need to let go and daughters need to grow up and leave.  Each has her own separate emotional task.

Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Letting her go is the greatest gift you will give your daughter and it will break your heart. I should know.

Yet, if this doesn’t happen the adult daughter will not be free to invest fully in her relationship with her adult partner. In other words, in health, the daughter needs to choose her partner over her mother. This may sound harsh but this is the healthy trajectory.

 This transfer is vital to the health of the newly developed partnership.  

  • It is mom’s job to, let go and accept her daughter’s leaving.
  • It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a peer and leave behind her role as a child.

This is the way of healthy development. Each task has its own challenges and responsibilities. Leaving home and making a home of your own is the healthy trajectory, one paved with both loss and gratification. Letting go is the path towards growth. 

However, when mothers make their adult daughters feel responsible for their emotional well being, things are topsy-turvy. Only dysfunction and misery follows. Daughters resent having to care for mom emotionally. Underneath it all, they feel something isn’t right. When mothers look to their daughters to take care of them emotionally; to be the person they look to for closeness and connection as adults… they place an unnecessary burden on their daughters.

This emotional burden prevents them from making the healthy separation they need to make for themselves. This is especially true for the daughter trapped in the role of the good daughter and part of the good daughter syndrome.

From Good Daughter to Empowered Woman

The guide you need to break free from the "Good Daughter" syndrome.

Good Daughter Guide

Here is how this happens –

 

Transcript 

Hi, this is Katherine Fabrizio with help for the Good Daughter Syndrome. One thing I say that my clients talk about that’s, I see that happens really frequently … Many times mom doesn’t have a primary or a good connection with the partner. She may be married. She may be divorced. But in this scenario, many times she’s looking to the daughter for closeness and connection.

Well, why is this a problem? Well, if the daughter is trying to establish their primary connection with their intimate partner, there’s always this tension. Mom’s always pulling the daughter to do things her way.

It’s like a loyalty struggle that’s like of underground, and not really overtly talked about, yet can exert a lot of pressure on the good daughter’s marriage if what she needs to do is to establish her primary connection with her partner.

If mom is suddenly undermining it in some ways because she’s not maintaining her connection with her partner, or actively looking for one. This is Katherine Fabrizio with help for the good daughter who’s struggling with the Good Daughter Syndrome.

A postscript-

It is one thing for a mother and daughter to re-establish closeness after a period of healthy separation. If the period of healthy separation never happens then a genuine adult closeness can never take root.

However, if a mother clings to her daughter and doesn’t let go- her daughter can’t help but feel growing resentment that ends in a mother/daughter tension that is never-ending.

Can mothers and daughters ever be close in a healthy way?

Yes, but first, mom must let go in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship with her daughter. If you see yourself in this good daughter role there are steps you can take. If you need a script to tell mom to take a step back and stop giving unwanted advice here is one that is kind and respectful. If you suspect mom might be Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic, or has traits of these disorders here is a way to tell.

When you have awareness you can plan your next steps to living a life that is free.

Empowering women one mother/daughter relationship at a time.

To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role -go here.

Raise Awareness TWEET IT OUT –

When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary emotional partner, this interferes with the daughter's emotional growth. Click To Tweet It is mom's job to, let go and accept her daughter's leaving. Click To Tweet Mom must let go in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship with her daughter later in life. Click To Tweet No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both. Click To Tweet When a mother looks to her daughter to be her primary emotional partner, this is called parentification. This holds daughters back from fully living their own adult lives. Click To Tweet Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Hard, but necessary. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

This is how we Rise!

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Romantic Relationship Issues Tagged With: Daughters, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Independence, parenting daughters

Mothers & Daughters: The Delicate Dance From Dependence to Independence

December 6, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

 

A daughter’s healthy striving for independence is a long and winding road. Let’s face it, mothers and daughters have a history.Is it any wonder they have issues?No other relationship is tasked with wrestling the competing urges of dependence and independence right from the get-go.

From labor’s first contractions, mothers are both holding on to and letting go of their daughters. Considering one of the duos started off in the other’s body, it is no wonder the path from dependence to independence is a journey. First conceived of, then conceived, carried and finally labored over, a mother and daughter travel many an emotional and developmental mile. One that is reiterated many times over during the time mothers and daughters relate to each other.

How it all begins- Once baby arrives, mom takes care of baby… yes the helpless baby who can’t feed diaper or even hold up her head. They bond or let’s be real here. They fall in love.

 

If all goes well, they look into one another’s eyes and find that they only have eyes for each other. This bonding is neurologically programmed into our DNA to ensure survival!   The early babyhood stage starts at dependence and vulnerability. For mom – life as she knew it, is over. Her body is broken open, sore nipples and sleepless nights set the stage for a tremendous level of sacrifice.

Depending on whether mom is psychologically sound and has support will influence to a great degree how well she adapts to this very difficult role.

For baby- well the baby is just being a baby, laying down the psychological hard drive she will operate from the rest of her days.Psychologists say it is the time you can never remember yet you never forget.  It is that basic, that fundamental. But this story has a trajectory. Baby’s job is to grow from complete dependence to mastery and independence.

At about year one and a half just when mom says to herself,” I’ve got this! ”the game changes. Her job goes from being everything to the young fledgling, to learning how to let go. She must increasingly relinquish control as baby gains independence. Talk about a job description rewrite! So it all begins. At best, baby and mom ally enough and delight at babies progress. At best, mom knows instinctively that babies progress is a result of her good enough mothering. Then both mom and baby can feel good about babies burgeoning independent functioning.” Look I did it myself!” Mom keeps track of the developmental milestones- perhaps proudly reporting to the playgroup moms or perhaps to her own mom the progress being made. Baby, well baby, just feels good or protests in more or less effective ways to let mom know when she doesn’t. The hard drive of her experience of life is laid down.

If all goes well or good enough, baby learns that life feels good and doing for self-feels even better. And when it doesn’t all go swimmingly, mom’s arms or lap is the go-to place where she mommy makes it all better. Refuel and reset in mom’s lap. When in resonance this all feels good. There are enough good feelings to go around. But in music, like life,  there is the dark note playing in the background, the counterpoint.

Every step taken is a step away from mommy. If all goes well, mom is working herself out of a job. How mom copes with this reality and loss tells the tale of whether or not separation will go well. For many mothers and daughters, this dance can get complicated and convoluted. Particularly if mom has a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality disorder or if mom is depressed or addicted the dance will involve lots of painful stepping on toes. If this is the case, mom’s mothering can be woefully impaired and daughters can have a lifetime of suffering because of her mother’s limitations.

This already difficult dance from dependence to independence becomes nearly impossible. Mother/Daughter relationship issues start very early on, are complex, and involve the psychological core of both mother and daughter. Understanding and navigating a daughter’s recovery from being mothered by a difficult/impaired mother takes understanding the developmental tasks for both mothers and daughters. So much is at stake. A daughter needs to heal her wounds before she can effectively parent her own daughter. Any approach to healing must include a compassionate understanding of the difficult psychological tasks at hand.

To find out if you are caught in the Good Daughter role- go here.

This article first appeared on my sister site https://raleighcounselingandtherapy.com/

TWEET IT OUT –

From labor's first contractions, mothers are both holding on to and letting go of their daughters. Click To Tweet First conceived of, then conceived, carried and finally labored over, a mother and daughter travel many an emotional and developmental mile. Click To Tweet

If all goes well, mom is working herself out of a job. How mom copes with this reality and loss tells the tale of whether or not separation will go well. Click To Tweet.

Every step taken is a step away from mommy. Click To Tweet Let’s face it, mothers and daughters have a history. Is it any wonder they have issues? Click To Tweet If all goes well or well enough, baby learns that life feels good and doing for self-feels even better. Click To Tweet A daughter needs to heal her wounds before she can effectively parent her own daughter. Click To Tweet If mom has a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality disorder the dance of dependence to independence will involve lots of painful stepping on toes. Click To Tweet Understanding and navigating a daughter's recovery from being mothered by a difficult/impaired mother takes understanding the developmental tasks for both mothers and daughters. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

Filed Under: Mother Issues Tagged With: Daughters, Dependance, Independence, Mom, Mothers, parenting daughters

The Good Daughter's Guide to Freedom

5 ways to break free and take back your life

Get my Guide

Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

Read more.

Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
5.0
powered by Google
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
See All Reviews

Follow Along

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • The “Good Daughter” Syndrome Course
  • Daughters Rising Book
  • The “Good Daughter” Syndrome Quiz
Angel-Wings-150
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • About Katherine Fabrizio

Copyright © 2021 · Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in