Daughters Rising

“Should I Go No Contact with My Mother?”- Read This First

by Katherine Fabrizio

woman trying to decide if she should go no contact with her mother?

There’s usually a last straw, a deal-breaker, the final insult you can’t ignore.  You might find yourself saying…,

  I have no other choice except to go no contact with my mother?

That may indeed be the right choice, but you will be helped if you take a moment and think this through.

Table of Contents

First, realize you do have a choice-

Watch below to see what I mean.

Is this you?

Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat.  Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.

At what point do you say ENOUGH?! Enough abuse, dysfunction, bullying, momma drama, intrusion, insults, and toxicity for one lifetime, you say.

You’ve reached the end of your rope, the last straw, and you can’t let her treat you this way.

Frankly, you don’t know what else to do.

woman feeling exasperated and asking should i go no contact with my mother

Let me help you.

First of all…you are not alone.

Almost every daughter of a difficult mother I see in psychotherapy struggles with drawing the line and drawing a hard line with her mother.

I’ve led hundreds of women just like you through the process of deciding whether or not to go no contact with their mother. Whether or not they end up going no contact isn’t as important as the approach to making the change.

As you will see- unless you take the essential steps, the whole thing can easily backfire on you, leaving you worse than where you began.

Real-life examples from real clients- considering no contact with Mom.  

woman on therapy coach askng should I go no contact with my mother?

 

Seated on my psychotherapy couch, Sarah is in agony.

” I can’t take one more discussion of my faults. Nothing is ever good enough for her. No matter what I do… she weighs in with criticism and judgment.  I get off the phone in tears feeling terrible about myself. Who needs that? I’d be better off never talking to her again.” 

In a later session, Emily says, “Mom’s a black hole.

“I constantly take care of her and have nothing left for myself. Her neediness is sucking the life out of me. Everything turns into drama, and whatever happens, it’s always my fault. When will this end?”

Still later, Susan says,” My mother is toxic.

She poisons everything she touches. She twists the truth and constantly manipulates to make herself look good instead of owning up to anything. I’ve had it with her lies and manipulations. After what she said to me yesterday, I am never speaking to that woman again!”

Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat.  Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.

There’s just no coming back from this one- you tell yourself.

woman wondering if she should go no contact with her mother?

 Should I go no contact with my mother?  

Maybe she’s criticized you for the last time or created so much unnecessary drama she has exhausted all the goodwill, second chances, or patience you’ve got in you. Or you’ve exhausted yourself trying to please her and find…nothing is ever good enough for her.

Either way, you are out of emotional gas.

In the course of a psychotherapy day, I hear more than one daughter trapped in the role of the “good daughter”  of a difficult mother struggle with this one agonizing question, “Should I go no contact with my mother or do something less drastic?”

When it makes sense to go no contact with your mother

Sometimes going no contact is the only acceptable option. Especially for daughters of mothers who fall on the antisocial, sociopathic end of the psychological spectrum, cutting off all contact can be the only way to save yourself. Or if you have put up with abusive treatment and want to call it quits you have it within your rights to decide who you will give access- full stop.

Should you go no contact with your mother? Sometimes it is plain as day.

The short answer is probably “YES ” if your mother is one of those Moms.

woman deciding she should go no contact with her mother?

How can you tell if your mother is one of those moms- (the antisocial, sociopathic or extremely disturbed Moms)

 ask yourself

  • Does Mom regularly break the law, lie, steal, or cheat without any show of remorse?
  • Is she intentionally cruel and seems to take pleasure in causing others misery?
  • Does she possess no capacity for empathy… no matter the circumstance?
  • Has she shown little or no capacity for self-reflection
  • You need to get off the roller coaster with a mother who is making your life a living hell.

The sociopathic mother is, frankly, rare. She is, however, someone you need to protect yourself from. If you can be 100% sure she is incapable of acting with basic human emotions, you need to get away… and fast. No contact is definitely in order.

 

If you are on the fence, I may have another option for you.

For most narcissistic, borderline, or personality disordered moms (many of whom land somewhere on a spectrum), you have other options to exercise before you deploy the nuclear option- going no contact. ( and remember you always have that option).

As angry and ready to take action as you are… thinking this one through will pay off in the long run even if you ultimately decide to go no contact. Stick with me here and…

 ask yourself –

Is Mom controlling, manipulative, and self-centered when her back is up against the wall? But, when the heat is off, and she doesn’t feel threatened, can she show some empathy? Does she follow the rules in some aspect of her life, even when it isn’t to her advantage?

* I want to be sure you know- if your answer is yes, that doesn’t make Mom’s behavior okay in my book… not by a long shot. It just means she has other, more human psychological tools in her toolbox. 

(You have to give her enough reason to use them- but more on that later.)

Here is where most daughters go wrong-

  1.  Insist Mom admit she is wrong and you are right.
  2. Insist Mom agrees to therapy and works on changing herself.

And if not, you will go NO CONTACT! 

“What’s wrong with that, you say? Mom is wrong, and she needs to admit it before anything can change. She is the one that is messed up and needs help. Isn’t that obvious!”

If mom is wrong shouldn't she admit it

In a perfect world – YES!  But in my experience, this approach rarely goes well.

You see, Mom’s ways of thinking and doing things have been ingrained over years and years. She is very practiced at it and is unlikely to make a % 180-degree turn.

Giving Mom this kind of ultimatum, you will likely get defensive push-back rather than the hoped-for concession.

 

 

“But why,” you ask? “I’m only asking for her to own her part in the dysfunction and agree to change her ways. Is that too much to ask?”

The answer isn’t so much about what is fair… as it is about what is possible.

And I want to set you up for success, not failure.

Here’s the unvarnished truth as I know it- 

A mother whose personality structure has been dependent on deflecting blame and criticism is virtually allergic to taking responsibility for her actions. She will hardly EVER admit to being wrong, think she needs therapy, or commit to acting differently- at least, not in this lifetime.

Think of it this way: Mom has been using her defense mechanisms for pretty much her entire life, certainly way before you came along. As such, she will have encountered resistance to her ways. If none of the consequences she has encountered thus far has been enough to make her reconsider and self-reflect, she is unlikely to give them up now.

In her mind, admitting she is wrong, messed up, or needs to change will dismantle her entire psychologically constructed house of cards. She will fight to the psychological death to give it up even if it destroys all her relationships in the process.

 

Yes, if Mom is that difficult, she isn’t going to back down and admit she is the one with the problem.

Does that mean Mom is hopeless and you have no other choice but to go no contact? I would argue- no, not right away anyway.  But, the change that needs to happen is within you. You have to get clear on the fact that you matter.

Instead of demanding she change, you must realize your value and act accordingly.

I will show you how.

woman feeling confident

“Why is this so hard for me to do!”

Well, you see, the thing you need to do is the thing that is hardest for you to do.

This is because you have had NO practice or support claiming your needs. Life as the Good daughter has revolved around your mother’s needs, moods, and preferences. It’s like a muscle you’ve hardly ever used. So it has atrophied.

You don’t know that your needs, preferences, and opinions count TOO. Not yet, anyway. 

Ironically, demanding your mother change (and deep down knowing she won’t ) is just another version of making her the one that matters.

Put her on the defensive, and you will be dealt an onslaught of excuses, deflections, accusations, and well-worn arguments.  Either that or she will play the victim and crumble in a heap of tears designed to disarm you.

Most difficult mothers have black belts in launching an offense as the best defense or playing the victim, so you won’t hold her accountable.

She’s been in training for this one her whole life.

should I go no contact with my mother?

What’s more, Before you know it- IT’S. ALL. ABOUT. HER… AGAIN!

Here’s the other problem with deploying the “no contact” option right out of the gate.

After the anger subsides and the amnesia of time washes over you, you are in danger of succumbing to the biggest boundary-caving emotion of all- GUILT!

Especially for the daughter, trapped in the “good” daughter’s role, guilt has her in a vise grip. When the guilt sets in, I usually hear some variation of, “But she’s my MOTHER. She did the best she could. She didn’t let me starve-I’ll give her that. Besides, what would she do without me?  I can’t cut my own mother off, can I?”

BUT- let me tell you, feeling guilty and being guilty are two different things. You may feel guilty that you are destroying her life but only be guilty of wanting a healthy boundaried relationship.

You have to prepare. 

Otherwise, she will knock you off your game at the first sign of resistance.

If you have some tenderness in your relationship with your Mom, guilt can swamp you and kill off your resolve as soon as you can say, ” Mother, May I?” Then, before you know it, you are back in the subservient position with Mom apologizing for upsetting her.

Keep in mind- if you go no contact time will pass, and there will always be-

-A funeral

-A wedding-

-The birth of a baby-

 Will you stay away and miss out?

In some cases, staying away is necessary. Being in the same room with Mom isn’t worth your sanity.  But if you declare no contact, be prepared – from now on, the losses that come along will keep on adding up.

So is there a way, an approach that won’t box you in?

When you ask, should I go no contact with my mother?-

You have to face this central truth.

When you lay down any version of “this isn’t working for me,” it will cause some upset. Mom isn’t all of a sudden going to roll over and acquiesce. Nope, she will kick up a fuss of some kind- even if the fuss comes in the form of the silent treatment.

Is there another approach besides going no contact with your mother?

YES!

An alternative (which may or may not lead up to no contact depending on Mom’s response)  is to set a boundary around something important to you but isn’t the biggest issue you have with Mom.

*In my version, you will use the fact that she will give you push back to your advantage. You actually count on the fact that she is going to overreact.

The key is- you have to set a boundary that is about something you can control.

5 examples of setting boundaries that are within your control.

Telling Mom-

  1. You aren’t ready/willing to share when she asks you something too personal.
  2. Returning Mom’s emails or phone calls on your schedule instead of hers.
  3.  Right or wrong, you need to make your own adult decisions despite how she may feel about them.
  4.  You are going to spend the holidays with your in-laws.
  5. You will have to agree to disagree on a political or religious issue.

That’s it!

When she pushes back, you keep your cool and stand your ground.

  You don’t threaten anything big. You simply refuse to give her the power to have control over you. This way, you make a small change and expect a BIG reaction. By stating a reasonable boundary and sticking to it, you let her have an UNREASONABLE  overreaction.

That’s right. You expect the outsized reaction, and you stand your ground and change the dynamic.

Repeat as necessary- with each intrusion, boundary-crossing, unwanted advice, criticism, you assert your adult power.

No matter what Mom does, you can strengthen a muscle that has been weak up until now. You can score a personal win despite Mom’s reaction.  Watch below to find out how. 

 

What are the advantages of setting a boundary first – even if you ultimately go no contact down the road?

  • You can set a small (low emotional ) boundary and expect and prepare for some pushback. That way, you can build the self-reliance muscle one small rep at a time.
  • You come from a place of thoughtful intention instead of a defensive reaction.
  • Setting a boundary this way enhances your self-esteem and sense of sovereignty over your life.

*In this way, you are signaling to Mom that you are taking charge of your life.

You are the boss of you! Imagine that! 

woman making an empowered decision

Here’s a little-acknowledged secret- as powerless as you are used to feeling, you ultimately hold the power now that you are an adult.

(And that includes going no contact if that’s what you choose.)

What?????? That’s right. As an adult, you get to decide how much contact you have with your Mom. And here’s another little secret. Despite her actions, and sometimes because of them …deep down… she knows it too.

As a child, she had the power. As an adult, you hold the power. 

This is your first task. To realize and accept the full extent of your power. Her actions, no matter how misguided, are designed to keep you from knowing this essential truth. Because when you realize it… she loses her hold on you.

Yes, it’s that simple.

So with that in mind-

Now next time you ask yourself, should I go no contact with my mother? You have a whole new way of thinking about it.

You get to decide what is and is not okay with you, communicate it, and stick to your guns. 

That means, know what you plan to do if Mom crosses a line or exhibits a behavior you have decided is off-limits. Setting the limit doesn’t involve controlling her but taking control of yourself. This is the key.

Again you aren’t asking her to do something you know she (probably) won’t do.  You are taking action.

What would this look like?

Walk away.

Stop talking.

End the phone conversation.

” Mom, I’m going to hang up now,” ” Mom, I’m not willing to talk about x with you anymore” ” Mom, I’ll let you know if I change my mind about x, but for now, I’m going to do y. Mom, I hear your concern, but I need to figure this out on my own.”

DISENGAGE.

These are choices that are within your power. It’s that simple and that hard, but the effort is more internal than external.

Will Mom go along? I expect not!  When you set those expectations and communicate them, most daughters say, “My mother won’t go for that.”

To that, I say, of course, she won’t. If you were to wait for mom to realize the error of her ways, you might be waiting a lifetime.  Just because mom has always called the shots in your relationship, you assume that’s the way it will always be. WRONG! 

In this healthier scenario-

you aren’t asking her for permission; you decide for yourself the kind of adult relationship you want. 

Big difference. It’s time to take the reins of your own life. Having her in your life, or not, is your choice. You didn’t choose your mother, but you can choose how you relate (or if you relate) to the mother you have.

Now let’s get down to the process that can get you there.

 3 mindest shifts to prepare- 

AWARENESS–  consider what it costs you when you abdicate your power to mom and let her call the shots. Are you going to live your life for your mother forever?

CONFIDENCE -find your voice and learn what stating your boundaries and limits sounds like, how to say it, and, what to say.

RESOLVE– steady yourself for the inevitable pushback you get when you set those boundaries. Did I say pushback? A tsunami of resistance would be more like it. You need to be emotionally prepared.

Will this be easy? Not on your life.

In fact, whether you get a minor tremor or a significant earthquake of resistance is directly proportional to the level of dysfunction in your relationship. A healthy, balanced relationship involves both parties who consider each other’s interests and compromise.

While the resistance is undeniably upsetting, it also holds incredibly valuable information. When your reasonable request touches off explosive resistance, you know you have unearthed a landmine of dysfunction. And, you can’t deal with something you don’t know is there.

Then, depending on how mom responds- this is a great litmus test to see if Mom has defenses that will be problematic and unchangeable or if she can reverse course.

If you are clear and have internal resolve (admittedly a huge task), the rest will fall into place.

Not easily or smoothly, but developing internal resolve is essential for your own healing whether your mother ever changes. By taking the upper hand, you have flipped the dynamics of the relationship. For the first part of your life, mom held the power. Now it’s your turn.

So, in summary – when you ask, should I go no contact with my mother? remember –

Whether you go low contact, no contact, or “I’m taking a break for now” contact, if you have communicated your needs and limits, you can let her decide the level of contact by her actions and response. In effect, you are saying, ” Mom, here is where I stand; you decide how ( and if) you choose to show up in my life.” 

In this way, you take control of your life instead of hoping she will change.

*A Bonus-  you don’t have to shoulder all of the responsibility of deciding whether or not you and your mother have a relationship. With a wake-up call, mom may alter her approach or not. Then, making the call about how much contact you want is based on real-life data.

One thing is for certain, hoping mom will change is not a strategy. Whatever her response, by exercising your power in this way, you build your confidence and start living life on your own terms. If you need me to help you formulate a plan, you can reach me here.

And that is always a good place to start no matter where you end up!

 

From Good Daughter To Empowered Woman – Get your free guide here.

Where are you in this? Have you tried no contact or low contact? Let me know in the comments.

 

 

 

 

Parentified Daughters : The Destructive Effects

by Katherine Fabrizio

( Parentified Daughters )

When Mom clings to her daughter and looks to her for closeness … she sets a dysfunctional destructive cycle in motion. 

This destructive dynamic happens all too easily.

Dad says something clueless or, in mom’s view, thoughtless, and a knowing glance towards her daughter is followed by an EYEROLL.

Before you know it, mom and daughter have a repertoire of jokes, mutual understandings, and, you guessed it-a closer relationship than her parents have with each other.

This dynamic initially makes Mom feel affirmed, and her daughter enjoys a free ticket into the adult world of relating.

If this dynamic continues, what happens? ticket, I would argue that it does more harm than good. 

Because the daughter isn’t developmentally equipped to handle the adult realm of an emotional partnership (and shouldn’t be), her partnership with mom is, by definition, one-sided.

It is not the partnership of equals.

Over time an implicit familial agreement solidifies; a daughter is the only one who “gets Mom,” Therefore, she feels the pressure to see that mom’s emotional needs are met.

Her parent’s marriage grows stale more often than not, and the daughter is trapped in a dynamic that holds her back from following her own developmental trajectory- the role of the “good” daughter.

All may look picture perfect on the outside, no divorce, a father in the home, and mother/daughter closeness-

What could be wrong with that?

In this case, just about everything.

The beautiful family Holiday card hides a dysfunctional secret. 

Mom and dad’s marriage is dead on the vine, and the attuned daughter trapped in the role of the good daughter is sacrificing her normal striving for independence. In this oppressive environment, nothing healthy grows. 

Conversely, in a healthy family environment, the parents attend to each other’s needs well enough to free the children to develop, differentiate, and eventually set off on their own.

In this darker dysfunctional scenario, the daughter is trapped in an impossible dilemma. Because she is attuned to mom and knows her moods like the back of her hand, she feels it is her job to take emotional care of mom.

Because of this clinging, the daughter may feel she can’t leave Mom.

She may be unaware of feeling guilty and unconsciously sabotage her attempts at growing up. At the unconscious level, the daughter may feel that in growing up, she is betraying mom.

Anxiety, depression, or eating disorders may have at their psychological core a daughter who doesn’t feel she has permission to grow up and away from mom.

Like a Chinese finger trap, the grip only tightens when she tries to get free. Attempts to differentiate bring on guilt that constricts and suffocates.

How does this dynamic play out?

When the daughter does dare try and pull away from mom, mom grows more and more controlling. Finally, mom can’t let go.

What are normally tense times around boys, makeup, and clothing choices become full-out Amagedon battles to the death- the death of the daughter’s independence. Mom becomes ultra-critical of her daughter.

What underlies this criticism? 

It isn’t that her daughter is doing anything (necessarily) wrong. Instead, the ultra-criticalness stems from mom’s realization her daughter is growing up and away from her.

This criticism is confusing and unfair for her daughter. She doesn’t understand why she suddenly comes under fire. In response to mom’s hyper control, daughters frequently respond in one of two ways;

1)  They buckle under, lose their quest for independence, and often with it their thirst for life.  They turn in on themselves in destructive ways. Depression, cutting, eating, and anxiety disorders are ways girls turn the rage they feel in on themselves.

2) Alternatively, they meet fire with fire, control with counter control, and wage all-out defiance of their mother’s control- Alcohol and drug abuse, promiscuity, or random rule-breaking. Finally, in a perfect dysfunctional storm, they express their rage in a way that will cause them to feel shame and guilt, resulting in a return to mother “who knows best.”

Frequently, parentified daughters go underground and hide their acting out behaviors. As a result, they continue to feel ashamed of themselves and don’t have a complete understanding of their actions.

parentified daughter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because of the built-up rage at having been unfairly handed a role that wasn’t theirs, to begin with, coupled with crippling guilt at betraying mom, some daughters act out in ways that express that rage while making them feel bad about themselves. 

A perfect storm of enmeshment, rage, guilt, and betrayal results in a cycle that ends with the daughter’s return to her partnership with mom. Neither response, either internalizing the battle or throwing themselves into an external battle, help them gain independence they can feel good about

 

What happens when the parentified daughter has her own daughter? 

Both the complacent daughter and the former rebel are likely to return to the fold without fully establishing themselves as separate adults. Life may feel bleached of its vibrancy, and the adult good daughter may not know why.

If mom stays at the center of her emotional life, her adult daughter will have difficulty establishing and maintaining a full sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with her adult partner. Sadly, without awareness, she will also have difficulty letting her daughter fly guilt-free into her own life. Yet, with awareness and hard work, the cycle can be broken.

It is never too late to live fully into your own life.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

 

When Mom clings to her daughter and stops looking for closeness with her husband... she sets a dysfunctional destructive cycle into motion. Click To Tweet Anxiety, depression, or eating disorders can have at their psychological core a daughter who doesn't feel she has permission to grow up and away from mom. Click To Tweet When a daughter is attuned to mom and knows her moods like the back of her hand, she may feel it is her job to take emotional care of mom. Click To Tweet If mom stays at the center of her emotional life her adult daughter will have a hard time establishing and maintaining a full sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with her adult partner. Click To Tweet When daughters are parentified, both the complacent daughter and the former rebel are likely to return to the fold without having fully established themselves as separate adults. Click To Tweet A perfect dysfunctional storm of enmeshment, rage, guilt, and betrayal can result in daughter's return to her partnership with mom without having established a healthy independence. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

When Mom Looks to Her Daughter To Be Her Emotional Partner- Why Maternal Parentification Is a Problem

by Katherine Fabrizio

( Here is what maternal parentification looks like) 

“Help, my Mother won’t let go- Mom calls me many times a day and I  don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can.I know this hurts her feelings but what she doesn’t realize is this – “I am swamped with guilt,  I feel suffocated and resentful. Where did I sign on to be her emotional partner? I wish she would let me live my own life. “

As a psychotherapist for over 30 years, I have heard this more times than I can count. 

Daughters who just want the space to live their own lives without mom’s emotional clinging.

The reason for mom’s over-involvement range from full-blown personality disorder to differing cultural expectations. If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline or Addicted her attuned daughter may be trapped in the role of the good daughter.  She takes on an emotional burden that was never supposed to be hers.

How does this happen?

Sometimes mom is divorced and hasn’t successfully recoupled. Other times mom has checked out of her relationship with her husband and has a long-standing pattern of looking to her daughter for emotional support. Either way- When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary partner, instead of their partner or peer this interferes with their daughter’s emotional growth. This makes her daughter feel guilty for growing up and leaving home.

Looking to daughters for this level of closeness is called parentification and holds daughters back from living their lives. 

When mom has serious psychological difficulties, this difficult dynamic is put on steroids! Mom goes nuclear if she detects her daughter is pulling away. Using epic levels of guilt, the disturbed mother will stop at nothing to bring her daughter back into her realm of influence.

The unspoken rule is this- the daughter is responsible for mom’s emotional well-being. 

Letting go of your daughter will break your heart and is the most important gift you can give her. I should know.

Either way, these daughters end up feeling a debilitating guilt for their natural strivings for independence. If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped inside of an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of making a healthy separation for herself. This is very unhealthy for her daughter.

To find out if you are in the role of the “good” daughter – go here.

 

 

 

Why You Can’t “MAKE” Mom Happy

by Katherine Fabrizio

You can’t make Mom happy, but you certainly can waste a lifetime trying.

 

When you look back you may realize how much of your life you have tried to make mom feel better about herself?

Before you realized it was an impossible thankless job, did you spent much of your childhood being good for mom so mom would be happy?

You didn’t, couldn’t, realize it was a trap.

It didn’t work. It never works.

Before you grew up and started feeling the yearnings to live your own life you spent much of your time trying to make mom happy. Working to be good enough and get mom’s approval was a central motivator in your life.

If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Am I right?

 

 

Now as an adult, you might feel pretty angry about all the wasted effort.

Even if she is demanding, intrusive and entitled, underneath it all you could always tell mom was/is an unhappy person. She didn’t feel good about herself.

Despite playing the role of the Good Daughter, the deep insecurity that is at mom’s core is always driving mom.

When mom has a full-blown personality disorder, Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic  ( here is how to tell) you never had a chance.

You couldn’t get through the impenetrable wall that lets no light in and no light out. This is the nature of a defense.

If mom has traits of these disorders, is addicted or is buried under cultural oppression the effect on you can be much the same.

Perhaps you wore a mask and worked hard to present the perfect image so mom could be proud of you.  The only problem is this – you were suffocating inside and it never really worked.

You wonder what keeps mom from taking in any good feeling? Why did mom remain critical and demanding?

Why is it impossible to fill her up no matter how hard you try.

That emptiness that threatens to swallow both of you, the impenetrable wall is behind the defense I am talking about.

Take a look below.  This may help.

 

 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 00:02 So you might say to yourself, you know, I love, mom,  why can’t she take that love in and feel it? Why can’t that cure her narcissism?

Speaker: 00:19 The answer lies in these two words, Narcissistic Defense; because the defense is a costume that you wear to yourself to keep you unaware of what you’re really feeling at the core.Speaker: 00:29 So this is, this is just the paradox of like you know, we hear it with movie stars and stuff, they have plenty of Oscars and, and gorgeous red carpet looks and they’re touted as brilliant. and then we find out they feel like nothing.

Speaker: 00:44 It’s because when something is defended against when a feeling is so awful that there is a defense, think about defense against being in touch with that feeling. Then the feeling never gets touched.

Speaker: 01:00 There are not enough special accolades, awards or complements that really fill that person up because it’s kind of apples and oranges. You’re itching here and you scratch here, right?

Speaker: 01:15 So it’s, it’s so complicated and difficult, to understand that the person who has a narcissistic defense is not settled.

Speaker: 01:27 They’re not happy. They may be very opportunistic, they may be glowing and performing and look like they have it all, but underneath it all there main psychological energy is to keep way feeling nothing, feeling like nothing to not fall into the abyss of emptiness.

Postscript-

So you see- you really can’t make mom happy.

You can dance to her tune, jump when she says jump and meet all of her demands, but you can’t make her happy.

Happiness is an inside job. Her defenses keep you on the outside.

Letting this sink in can be both a relief and a frustration.

But…

Understanding the nature of defenses can ultimately set you free.

You can stop trying to do the impossible.

You can learn to set boundaries without being swamped with guilt, put limits on your time and energy so you can live your own life.

Here is a script to help you out.

And here’s a meditation to soothe your conscious and unconscious mind.

I’ve got you covered. You can do this.

To find out if you suffer from the “good” daughter syndrome go here–

Tweet it out. Raise Awareness. Break the cycle!

You can't make your unhappy mother happy, but you can waste a lifetime trying. Click To Tweet Did you spent much of your childhood trying to make mom happy? Click To Tweet Did you wear a mask and work hard to present the perfect image so mom could be proud of you... thinking that would make her happy? Many a daughter, trapped in the role of good daughter has done just that Click To Tweet So you see- you really can't make mom happy. You can dance to her tune, jump when she says jump and meet all of her demands, but you can't make her happy. Click To Tweet Happiness is an inside job. A difficult/Narcissistic mother's psychological defenses keep you on the outside. Click To Tweet Once Click To Tweet If at the core of your mother's unhappiness is her insecurity and try as you might, you can't change that. Click To Tweet Ironically, mom's Narcissistic defenses prevent her from taking in what she needs to feel truly good about herself. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

When Mom Won’t Let Go, Daughters Pay A Terrible Price

by Katherine Fabrizio

“Mom calls me multiple times a day. Sometimes I don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can.

It hurts her feelings and, well,  I can’t stop feeling guilty. She just can’t let me go so that I can live my own life.“

When Mom won’t let go…this causes understandable and predictable problems for her daughter, problems that can have far reaching effects and last a lifetime.

As a psychotherapist, I have heard the same issue more times than I can count.

See if you can relate-

Mom weighs-in, offers up “suggestions” and intrudes on your decisions. Mom questions your every move and gives you unsolicited advice. When you’ve had enough you snap at her and she comes back with, ” I was only trying to help”.

Or maybe you’ve been dying to say something.. but you are paralyzed with the fear she will take what you have to say you as a rejection of her- so you swallow your anger and say nothing while you feel your resentment grow and grow?

You always thought when you became an adult your mother would respect you as a peer.

In other words…

You thought when you became an adult Mom would let you go?

I understand.

Most adult daughters think Mom will at least loosen up the controls when they become adults. Unfortunately, here you are waiting for your permission slip to become an adult. You hope against hope Mom will recognize that you are grown and let you make your own adult decisions. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

You see the problem didn’t just start here. In fact, these patterns have been there all along throughout your development– hidden in plain sight. You just didn’t see them,

not fully.

Mom’s overreach, her intrusions, have been baked into her brand of mothering from the start. Her style of mothering is so normalized that it has become like the air that you breathe.  Yet all the while, she held you back and appropriated you because of her own insecurities.  Driven by unconscious forces, she didn’t even fully know she was doing it…,

not really.

When this is your childhood reality, you don’t know any better.  All you do know is that you are deathly afraid of leaving Mom out or disappointing her. You are sure Mom will take it as a rejection and either crumble or pay you back… double.

You tell yourself, “let her have her say, it’s just easier that way.”

When Mom treats you as her therapist or best friend.

Her relationship problems, her complaints about your dad, nothing is off-limits and you seriously wish they were. But, it’s been like this forever.  She’s told you things that were too much for a kid to handle… and it never stopped. She still calls you when things go badly and talks and talks and talks…

She expects that you will take her side in every fight and there are plenty of them. Truth be told, you aren’t allowed a separate opinion. You feel like the only acceptable opinion is an echo of hers.

Talking with Mom is more like a monologue with you trapped as the audience.

Either way, this kind of “closeness” can feel suffocating.  You just want the freedom to live your life without Mom’s input or worrying she will be hurt if you make a move without her. Instead, you toggle between guilt and resentment– never knowing if you are ungrateful or unlucky.

I’m here to tell you; there’s a problem and it’s not you.

Why Mom can’t let go?

If she has a full-blown personality disorder she will cling to her daughter for dear (emotional) life-sucking out every bit of her daughter’s vitality. It is not unusual for both narcissistic personality disordered and borderline personality disordered mothers to use their daughters to make up for their own childhood deficits and look to their daughter to be an emotional partner. Depending on your mother’s wound, she will look to her daughter for similar but slightly different reasons.

  1. Narcissistic mothers need to be superior, relevant, and in control.
  2. Borderline Moms are unpredictable, clingy, and needy. They are obsessed with warding off fears of abandonment.

Your normal, healthy need to grow up and away triggers your mother’s childhood wound.

Either way, when Mom can’t let you go she is putting her needs ahead of your need to grow up, leave home, and make a healthy separation.

When she looks for you to take care of her- this is called parentification and it traps you into a role that is no good for you.

 

When Moms with an underlying personality disorder Narcissistic, Borderline, or Histrionic, turn to their daughters to meet their unmet emotional needs their daughters feel guilty for their natural strivings for independence.

If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped in an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of becoming her own person.

Needless to say, The cost can have far-reaching consequences.

How can this affect her daughter’s ability to connect with a life partner?

Let’s start with what a healthy mother/daughter dynamic looks like.

When a daughter leaves home and makes a healthy separation from mom and dad ideally she transfers her primary emotional connection from her parents to her partner. No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both.

Mothers need to let go and daughters need to grow up and leave.  Each has her own separate emotional task.

Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Letting her go is the greatest gift you will give your daughter and it will break your heart. I should know. While my own mother couldn’t let me go smoothly or easily, I was determined to do better by my girls.  Yet, letting them go was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Yet, as the psychologist, Pat Love states, adults, need to have their emotional needs met by other adults. – period.

If this doesn’t happen life can’t move on as it is supposed to.

An adult daughter will not be free to fully invest in her relationship with an adult partner. In other words, in health, the daughter needs to choose her partner over her mother. This may sound harsh but this is the healthy trajectory.

 Both Mom and Daughter have their separate challenges. 

  • It is Mom’s job to, let go and accept her daughter’s leaving the familial nest.
  • It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a peer and leave behind her role as a child.

This is the way of healthy development. Each task has its own responsibilities. Leaving home and making a home of your own is the healthy trajectory, one paved with both loss and gratification. Letting go is the path towards growth. 

However, when mothers make their adult daughters feel responsible for their emotional well-being, things are upside down.

Only dysfunction and misery follow.

Daughters resent having to care for mom emotionally. Underneath it all, they know something isn’t right. Asking your daughter to take care of you emotionally; to be the person they look to for closeness and connection as adults… places an unnecessary burden on your daughter.

This emotional burden traps daughters in the role of the good daughter and part of the good daughter syndrome.

Here is how this happens –

 

A postscript-

If you find yourself caught in the grip of this unhealthy dynamic, don’t despair. There is a way out. A way that is kind and fair and sane. It isn’t easy, but it is possible.  I’ve led daughters like you through the valley of struggle to the other side.

Find your first step (below) and take it. Your life is waiting for you.

1)If you see yourself in this good daughter role there are steps you can take.

2) If you need a script to tell mom to take a step back and stop giving unwanted advice here is one that is kind and respectful.

3) If you suspect mom might be Narcissistic, Borderline, or Histrionic, or has traits of these disorders here is a way to tell.

Let me know in the comments if your mom has let go.

 

Raise Awareness TWEET IT OUT –

When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary emotional partner, this interferes with the daughter's emotional growth. Click To Tweet It is mom's job to, let go and accept her daughter's leaving. Click To Tweet Mom must let go in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship with her daughter later in life. Click To Tweet No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both. Click To Tweet When a mother looks to her daughter to be her primary emotional partner, this is called parentification. This holds daughters back from fully living their own adult lives. Click To Tweet Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Hard, but necessary. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

This is how we Rise!

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

Mothers & Daughters: The Delicate Dance From Dependence to Independence

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

A daughter’s healthy striving for independence is a long and winding road. Let’s face it, mothers and daughters have a history.Is it any wonder they have issues?No other relationship is tasked with wrestling the competing urges of dependence and independence right from the get-go.

From labor’s first contractions, mothers are both holding on to and letting go of their daughters. Considering one of the duos started off in the other’s body, it is no wonder the path from dependence to independence is a journey. First conceived of, then conceived, carried and finally labored over, a mother and daughter travel many an emotional and developmental mile. One that is reiterated many times over during the time mothers and daughters relate to each other.

How it all begins- Once baby arrives, mom takes care of baby… yes the helpless baby who can’t feed diaper or even hold up her head. They bond or let’s be real here. They fall in love.

 

If all goes well, they look into one another’s eyes and find that they only have eyes for each other. This bonding is neurologically programmed into our DNA to ensure survival!   The early babyhood stage starts at dependence and vulnerability. For mom – life as she knew it, is over. Her body is broken open, sore nipples and sleepless nights set the stage for a tremendous level of sacrifice.

Depending on whether mom is psychologically sound and has support will influence to a great degree how well she adapts to this very difficult role.

For baby- well the baby is just being a baby, laying down the psychological hard drive she will operate from the rest of her days.Psychologists say it is the time you can never remember yet you never forget.  It is that basic, that fundamental. But this story has a trajectory. Baby’s job is to grow from complete dependence to mastery and independence.

At about year one and a half just when mom says to herself,” I’ve got this! ”the game changes. Her job goes from being everything to the young fledgling, to learning how to let go. She must increasingly relinquish control as baby gains independence. Talk about a job description rewrite! So it all begins. At best, baby and mom ally enough and delight at babies progress. At best, mom knows instinctively that babies progress is a result of her good enough mothering. Then both mom and baby can feel good about babies burgeoning independent functioning.” Look I did it myself!” Mom keeps track of the developmental milestones- perhaps proudly reporting to the playgroup moms or perhaps to her own mom the progress being made. Baby, well baby, just feels good or protests in more or less effective ways to let mom know when she doesn’t. The hard drive of her experience of life is laid down.

If all goes well or good enough, baby learns that life feels good and doing for self-feels even better. And when it doesn’t all go swimmingly, mom’s arms or lap is the go-to place where she mommy makes it all better. Refuel and reset in mom’s lap. When in resonance this all feels good. There are enough good feelings to go around. But in music, like life,  there is the dark note playing in the background, the counterpoint.

Every step taken is a step away from mommy. If all goes well, mom is working herself out of a job. How mom copes with this reality and loss tells the tale of whether or not separation will go well. For many mothers and daughters, this dance can get complicated and convoluted. Particularly if mom has a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality disorder or if mom is depressed or addicted the dance will involve lots of painful stepping on toes. If this is the case, mom’s mothering can be woefully impaired and daughters can have a lifetime of suffering because of her mother’s limitations.

This already difficult dance from dependence to independence becomes nearly impossible. Mother/Daughter relationship issues start very early on, are complex, and involve the psychological core of both mother and daughter. Understanding and navigating a daughter’s recovery from being mothered by a difficult/impaired mother takes understanding the developmental tasks for both mothers and daughters. So much is at stake. A daughter needs to heal her wounds before she can effectively parent her own daughter. Any approach to healing must include a compassionate understanding of the difficult psychological tasks at hand.

To find out if you are caught in the Good Daughter role- go here.

This article first appeared on my sister site https://raleighcounselingandtherapy.com/

TWEET IT OUT –

From labor's first contractions, mothers are both holding on to and letting go of their daughters. Click To Tweet First conceived of, then conceived, carried and finally labored over, a mother and daughter travel many an emotional and developmental mile. Click To Tweet

If all goes well, mom is working herself out of a job. How mom copes with this reality and loss tells the tale of whether or not separation will go well. Click To Tweet.

Every step taken is a step away from mommy. Click To Tweet Let’s face it, mothers and daughters have a history. Is it any wonder they have issues? Click To Tweet If all goes well or well enough, baby learns that life feels good and doing for self-feels even better. Click To Tweet A daughter needs to heal her wounds before she can effectively parent her own daughter. Click To Tweet If mom has a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality disorder the dance of dependence to independence will involve lots of painful stepping on toes. Click To Tweet Understanding and navigating a daughter's recovery from being mothered by a difficult/impaired mother takes understanding the developmental tasks for both mothers and daughters. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

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