Daughters Rising

Dear Teenaged Daughter -The Story of How I Let You Go And What I Learned 

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

 

 

 

The heartbreak and gift of letting your daughter go

Dear Teenaged Daughter,

(written 10 years ago) 

You have that far away look in your eyes now. Home isn’t the center of your universe.

I knew it would be this way. I just didn’t know how much it would hurt.

That open face in the photo I have of you as a toddler, so eager and trusting of me- where did she go? Where did you go?

Yet, I reflect… my own mother struggled with letting me go, and I swore I’d do better. I just didn’t know it would hurt so much.

Now, made-up eyes and a knockout figure, you look down your pretty nose and smirk at the rest of us as though we were clueless trolls. I mispronounce the name of your favorite clothing store and you shudder visibly in disgust.

Even your compliments have a patronizing air.

Yesterday, the universe threw me a small crumb.

Watching TV in my bed, you were exhausted, and, uncharacteristically, fell asleep in my arms. It reminded me of when you were a baby and I’d let my arm go numb rather than move it and disturb your sleep. I thought to myself, if this is the last time I hold you, I dare not move.

I know I can’t make it “all better” anymore- but maybe you could just rest awhile in mommy’s arms.

Without words, lectures, questions, opinions between us, I hear your strong heartbeat; your breathing slow, your warm body loses its resistance and melts into mine. Yes, just like when you were little before you could talk.

Before we let the words-opinions-lectures get in the way. Before you found me out to be the imperfect being that I am.

Once upon a time, I was the mommy who made it all better, not the mommy who gets it all wrong.

Your need conjured my milk, my love, my comfort…

You awakened my inner movie star. I had, at long last, been discovered. I sang you show tunes and we danced. You squealed with delight. When you were hungry, I nursed you. When you were tired or cranky, I rocked you to sleep. You took naps in my arms and full-time residence in my heart.

You accepted me in ways I couldn’t accept myself. Now you reject me in ways I don’t understand.

So, little girl, rest your pretty head on my shoulder. Take a break from your hurry to grow up, your hurry to leave. I think I’ll take a break from trying to improve, cajole, and advise you.

Remember the perfection we had without even trying- before you found out you would have to leave. Before I started worrying if you have everything you need.

This may not be the last time I hold you close, but I know there will be a last time.

The train is coming for you and you are packing your bags. You have a one-way ticket.

Each time you leave the house you never return completely. Home is becoming more of a layover, instead of the destination, it is for the rest of us.

I know you need to make a home inside of yourself, and your dreams the destination. This, I know, is the only way.

Still, it hurts.

So let me hold you and we can remember a time when I had everything you needed, our perfection restored. We can both pretend we don’t hear that whistle calling you, and my heart isn’t on that track.

 (10 years later)-

More than a decade has passed and we are sharing a glass of wine in the home you now make with your husband, almost 3-year old daughter, and infant son.

We made it to the other side. Because you were brave enough to leave and I found the strength to let you go.

What looked only like a loss to me then… looks different to me now.

With a tender heart, I watch your 3-year old daughter load up her stroller with baby dolls and announce she is going to “work”.

Although I say nothing, I hear that haunting train whistle in the distance-the whistle that will call your precious daughter into her own life. I know what’s coming….who will leave, and whose heart will be on that track.

When the time comes, I hope to once again hold your hand and wipe your tears. 

I have faith you will find the strength to set her free. Finding that strength inside of yourself, you will give her the gift you never wanted to give and it will break your heart.

Yet, you will see mothers who can’t let go; cripple their daughters, and steal their daughter’s chance of claiming a life they could call their own.  

You will know the price those daughters pay is much too high.

So, without martyrdom, but with strength, you will do what needs to be done. And, you will be better for it. Fashioned from the pieces of your broken heart, you will acquire an expanded heart-one of compassion, wisdom, and grace.

• The compassion of a mother who knows her daughter’s dreams for herself is more important than the dreams she has for her daughter.

• The wisdom of a mother who sees the need her daughter has to do it her way, not as a rejection of her but a declaration of herself.

• The grace of a mother who knows a heart chained is a heart that is never truly hers, but the one she sets free can be hers forever.

Then and only then will you know this: Of the many gifts you will give your daughter, after loving her, the gift of letting her go is the hardest gift and the greatest gift you have to give her.

Do you suffer from the Good daughter syndrome? Take the quiz here, it’s free.

 

 

This Is What It Costs The Adult Daughter Of A Narcissistic/Difficult Mother

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

( Here is how it feels to be the adult daughter of a narcissistic/difficult mother)

“My mother is driving me crazy!”

Is this just any daughter complaining about her mother or is it an indication that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship? Is she dealing with a Narcissistic Mother?

A daughter has been raised by a mother with serious psychological difficulty, isn’t just bitching about mom. She is trapped by her mother’s needs in ways that cost her then  & now. When mom has NPD ( Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or  BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder) or has traits of these personality disorders, her daughter will suffer.

The daughter who is attuned to mom is frequently stuck in the role of the “good daughter”. This role is good for mom but bad for her. For the “good” daughter, rejecting mom is simply not an option.  She is not only hurt by her damaged mother but on some level feels responsible for her mother’s well-being. This adaptation to moms’ distorted sense of self will affect every aspect of her daughter’s life.

Her mother’s defenses mandate she look “good” for mom or be “good” for mom. Mom’s need for self-preservation comes at the cost of her daughter’s developmental needs. Growing up – the good daughter learns that care-taking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. She has learned to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem.

For emotional survival, she learns to disconnects from herself and tunes into mom’s needs instead.

What does it cost her to be ‘good” for mom instead of real for herself?  The daughter in the role of the good daughter may look like she has it all together yet be flooded with self-doubt when met with the slightest criticism. Years of looking good for mom and feeling that she has to be better than she leaves her with little emotional resilience. Consequentially, detaching from her essential self, while letting another person in is almost impossible.

Because of this detachment, her capacity for intimate relating can be severely limited.

Isolated and lonely, the good daughter is plagued by an emptiness she doesn’t understand. She assumes everyone feels it. The acceptance she longs for frequently feels out of her reach. Tragically, when the “good daughter” feels the need to keep up an illusion of perfection, no one gets to see whom she really is at her core.

When a love interest gets too close, she may back away, fearing if she reveals her real self, she will be found lacking. This is her double-bind, show your true self and you risk losing the love you need. Keep up a front and you never really feel loved for yourself. Alternatively, she will pick partners who are in desperate need of narcissistic mirroring themselves.

She may be surrounded by people but feel profoundly lonely and not know why. Riddled with anxiety she won’t measure up in some way, the good daughter often over-functions at work or at school. Rather than bringing a sense of satisfaction, she feels like an imposter only waiting to be found out.

The good daughter might exercise and starve herself to quiet the internalized critical voice that relentlessly calls her “fat,” “lazy,”.  If she obeys the internal critical voices and gives of herself enough, she can sometimes calm the voices to a dull roar. Still, the internal tyrant is always there, lying in wait—waiting to hunt her down the minute the “good daughter” lets down her guard.

In an effort to look good, she may keep it all together only to turn to food or alcohol when no one is looking. In extreme cases, she resorts to cutting or other forms of self-harm to release the accumulated pressure she feels from keeping up the facade.

Keeping up the facade is exhausting and never-ending. The “good daughter” may not know how to fail in small ways and bounce back. There is no middle ground. Her so-called successes are both a pedestal and a prison. Every success sets an expectation she feels she has to meet, every time.

The fake smile, the protective mask, the relentless pursuit of perfection has crushed the little girl inside who has learned to look good her narcissistically defended mom instead of being real for herself. Being real wasn’t good enough for mom.

The good daughter must look good and make sure everyone is okay with her-even when mom is nowhere in sight. No one told her that this is an impossible task. Because happiness, even her own, is an inside job. As a result of trying, she may feel overwhelming shame, guilt, and self-doubt. These oppressive feelings threaten to bury her alive.

What can she do? 

She needs to know that her buried self is still there, waiting to be reclaimed and brought back to life.

Paradoxically, her discontent holds the breadcrumbs to trace a way back to herself. The good daughter’s unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self. Plugging back into the current of her true range of feelings—not merely the “nice” ones—can energize her passion and creativity. With that energy, she may finally be able to shake off the shame, claim her true feelings, and find her way back home—to her essential self. Armed with awareness, the Good Daughter can use the map of her mother’s narcissistic wounds as the detailed guide to finding her power as a woman. Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment.

 

To find out if you have the Good Daughter Syndrome go here.

 

Tweet it out; break the cycle

A daughter has been raised by a mother with serious psychological difficulty, isn't just bitching about mom. She is trapped by her mother's needs in ways that cost her then & cost her now. Click To Tweet Armed with awareness, the Good Daughter can use the map of her mother's narcissistic wounds as the detailed guide to finding her power as a woman. Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment. Click To Tweet The good daughter's unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self. Click To Tweet The fake smile, the protective mask, the relentless pursuit of perfection has crushed the little girl inside who has learned to look good her narcissistically defended mom instead of being real for herself. Click To Tweet Riddled with anxiety she won’t measure up in some way, the good daughter often over-functions at work or at school. Rather than bring a sense of satisfaction, she feels like an imposter only waiting to be found out. Click To Tweet Click To Tweet Growing up - the good daughter learns that caretaking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. She has to learn to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem. Click To Tweet

 

 

3 Ways The Good Daughter of the Narcissistic/Difficult Mother Feels Trapped

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

“My mother is driving me crazy!”

Does every daughter complain about her mother or is there something fundamentally wrong with the relationship?

Are you a daughter of a Narcissistic Mother?

If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic has traits of these disorders or is insecure, her daughter attuned to mom frequently finds herself in the role of the Good Daughter.

For the daughter in the role of the Good Daughter, she is trapped in a dynamic that she feels… but just can’t put her finger on.

When is good for mom, bad for her daughter?

Let’s dig in.

A daughter who has been raised by a mother with serious psychological difficulty isn’t just bitching about mom.

She is trapped by her mother’s needs in ways that cost her dearly. 

This destructive Good Daughter dynamic is often hidden.

Here are 3 ways this Good Daughter role is a trap.

  • 1. The daughter’s attunement traps her.  She is the one who sees, feels and senses when mom is upset. 

Her closeness to mom and hypervigilence to mom’s moods may feel like love to her. Why wouldn’t it? It is all she has ever known.

If mom is upset, the Good Daughter feels it is her job to fix it. This is habitual and ingrained.

This dynamic that is rooted in childhood when daughter needed mom to be okay.

Because her own needs have been intertwined with her mothers, the Good Daughter has a hard time rejecting mom or causing mom upset without feeling her own security is jeopardized.

2. She is not only hurt by her damaged mother but she feels responsible for her mother’s well-being.

Growing up – the Good Daughter learns that care-taking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. Making sure mom is okay comes first. Then and only then can she feel safe.

She has learned to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem.

3. The Good daughter is frequently the one mom looks to- to be the example. 

Her mother’s defenses mandate she look “good” for mom or be “good” for mom. Mom’s need for self-preservation comes at the cost of her daughter’s developmental needs.

For emotional survival, she learns to disconnect from her essential self and tune into mom’s needs instead.

What does it cost the Good Daughter to be “good” for mom instead of real for herself?

The daughter in the role of the Good Daughter may look like she has it all together yet be flooded with self-doubt when met with the slightest criticism.

Years of looking good for mom and feeling that she has to be better than she is leaves her with little emotional resilience.

Consequentially, detaching from her essential self and letting another person in is almost impossible.

Because of this detachment, her capacity for intimate relating is severely limited.

Isolated and lonely, the Good Daughter is plagued by an emptiness she doesn’t understand. The acceptance she longs for feels out of reach and she doesn’t know why.

She keeps thinking that perfection will be the fix that she needs when what she needs is connection.  

How does being good for mom get in the way of closeness with a partner?

When the Good Daughter feels the need to keep up an illusion of perfection, no one gets to see who she really is. When a love interest gets too close, she may back away, fearing if she reveals her real self, she will be found lacking.

This is her double-bind, let your true self-show and you risk losing the love you need.

Ironically though- if you keep up a front,  you are never loved for yourself.

Alternatively, she will pick partners who are in desperate need of narcissistic mirroring themselves.

The Good Daughter may be surrounded by people but feel profoundly lonely and not know why.

How does this Good Daughter role cause her to feel like an imposter?

Riddled with anxiety she won’t measure up in some way, the Good Daughter over-functions at work or at school. Yet, rather than bringing a sense of satisfaction, she feels like an imposter only waiting to be found out.

The Good Daughter might exercise and starve herself to quiet the internalized critical voice that relentlessly calls her “fat,” “lazy,”.  If she obeys the internal critical voices and gives of herself enough, she can sometimes calm the voices to a dull roar.

Still, the internal tyrant is always there, lying in wait—waiting to hunt her down the minute the Good Daughter lets her guard down.

In an effort to look good, she may keep it all together only to turn to food or alcohol when no one is looking. In extreme cases, she resorts to cutting or other forms of self-harm to release the accumulated pressure she feels from keeping up the facade.

Or she feels a chronic sense of self-doubt, never able to relax and simply be herself. 

She might be a suburban mom who can’t pull herself away from the shopping channel or the Chardonnay, her only escape from the relentless tedium of making her life and family look better than it is- emptiness and anxiety haunting her every footstep.

If she is a mom, she is likely to over function in her relationship with her daughter. She doesn’t know when enough is good enough. She wants so desperately for her daughter to feel good about herself.

For the Good Daughter, keeping up the facade is exhausting and never-ending.

The Good Daughter may not know how to fail in small ways and bounce back. There is no middle ground.

Her so-called successes are both a pedestal and a prison. Every success sets an expectation she feels she has to meet, every time.

The fake smile, the protective mask, the relentless pursuit of perfection has crushed the little girl inside who has learned to look good for her narcissistically defended mom instead of being real for herself.

Being real wasn’t good enough for mom.

The Good Daughter must look good and make sure everyone is okay with her-even when mom is nowhere in sight.

No one told her this is an impossible task. Because happiness, even her own, is an inside job.

As a result of trying, she feels overwhelming shame, guilt, and self-doubt.

Her essential self is buried under the Good Daughter facade.

What can the Good Daughter do to help herself?

She needs to know her buried self is still there, waiting to be reclaimed and brought back to life.

Paradoxically, her discontent holds the breadcrumbs tracing a way back to herself.

The Good Daughter’s unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self.

Plugging back into the current of her true range of feelings—not merely the “nice” ones—can energize her passion and creativity.

With that energy, she may finally be able to shake off the shame, claim her true feelings, and find her way back home—to her essential self.

Armed with awareness, the Good Daughter can use the map of her mother’s narcissistic wounds as the detailed guide to finding her power as a woman.

Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment.

This article originally appeared in https://psychcentral.com/

To Find out of you are caught in the Good Daughter trap- go here.

If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic has traits of these disorders or is insecure, her daughter attuned to mom frequently finds herself in the role of the Good Daughter. Click To Tweet If mom is upset, the Good Daughter feels it is her job to fix it. This is habitual and ingrained. Click To Tweet The daughter's attunement traps her in the role of the Good Daughter. She is the one who sees, feels and senses when mom is upset. Click To Tweet Because her own needs have been intertwined with her mother's, the Good Daughter has a hard time rejecting mom or causing mom upset without feeling her own security is jeopardized. Click To Tweet Growing up - the Good Daughter learns that caretaking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. Making sure mom is okay comes first. Then and only then can she feel safe. Click To Tweet The Good Daughter's unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self. Click To Tweet Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment. Click To Tweet Plugging back into the current of her true range of feelings—not merely the “nice” ones—can energize her passion and creativity. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

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DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
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Behind the Mask – What the “Good Daughter” of the Narcissistic Mother would Tell You if She Could.

by Katherine Fabrizio

( How the daughter of the Narcissistic Mother  develops imposter syndrome)

You might miss her unless you know what to look for. Plastering on a beauty queen/ camera-ready smile that functions more like a mask, than an expression of joy is the smile that insists, “I’m fine, perfect in fact. Why would you ask?” There is no joy, nor ease in that smile. It is more militant than confident. This smile is designed to keep you out rather than invite you in.

This daughter, trapped in the role of the “good” daughter of the Narcissistic Mother must hide her true self behind a mask of faux perfection. If she could speak from behind her mask and let you know how she feels, she might say something like this- “I’d rather take a razor blade to my arm than let you in on the dirty little secret that I am flawed and hurting. I don’t trust myself to be anything but people pleasing, yet I don’t trust people. I apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s safest that way.

She’s learned to be good instead of real. 

 “Listen closer, and you will hear her say, “In my house, we went by the motto, “if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. And it was true; Mom’s happiness is what mattered. If she wasn’t happy, it was my job to fix it. I don’t dare complain. I am always O.K. I’d better be.” Growing up with my Mother there was no room for me to feel anything but ok. That’s why, if I did complain I was told, “You’re too sensitive.” So, I’ve learned to pretend that I’m ok even when I’m not.”

Why she can’t tell her Mother how she feels? “I’ve tried to tell her what she does to hurt me, and it never does any good. It always ends up being my fault. I’ve learned it’s better to keep complaints to myself. Besides, any discussion about me always ends up about her. My real self is buried here underneath this mask. I might look alive, but honestly, I feel dead inside.”

The ‘good daughter’s” real self is buried alive underneath Mom’s neediness. “Everyone says I am a “good daughter.” They don’t know what it costs me. When I’m not good, my real self-threatens to break through. It is safer to be fake- no wonder I feel like an imposter. The problem is, my true self is angry and out of control. I’m afraid I can’t trust myself. So, I cut, exercise or starve myself to get her under control… to let off the pressure. I’m not always self-destructive. Sometimes it is enough to pull off good grades or get a job promotion. The trouble is when the good grades come in, or the job promotion is handed down, I feel like a fake. I’m flooded with doubt. I think I don’t deserve it. I’m just waiting to be found out- an imposter in my own life.”

 Success feels like only a stay of execution. “I can never let my guard down completely. If my teachers or boss could see behind my act, they would see what a loser I really am. They would know I eat a carton of ice cream and then go for a 5-mile run to stop the critics inside my head. Those friends who think I have it all together would see I measure whether or not it is a good or bad day or by the number that registers on my bathroom scale. I don’t leave the house without my makeup. I need the mask. Everyone thinks I’m nice, but no one really knows the real me. I’m not sure they would like the real me if they knew me. So I hide behind this mask. Yet, it gets so lonely in here buried underneath this pretense of perfection.”

The reason she stays trapped- 

“I’m like a Disney character, smiling on the outside while sweating bullets and cursing under my breath inside the suffocating costume. The only difference is… I can’t take off the costume. What’s worse, it isn’t even my fantasy- it’s Mom’s fantasy, and I’m just a prop in her magic kingdom. Sometimes, I get so mad at her and feel resentful. But, after I calm down, I feel waves of guilt. I can’t tell her what this is doing to me. It will only hurt her. That’s the real trap. The thing is, I don’t think she can help the way she is. She had a rough childhood, much rougher than mine, even though she hardly ever talks about it. When I ask questions, the look that comes over her face is enough to make me stop. I don’t want to see her suffer anymore.” But sometimes, I feel like it is her happiness or mine.”

Why the ‘good daughter’ never feels good enough- “Mom seems pleased when I do well. How can I take that away from her? That is, she is happy for the moment. She beams when I am making the grades, winning the trophy or acting like a plastic doll.

Can’t she see it is a performance, not a life? As pleased as Mom can be at the moment, once I stop making her look good, the criticisms startup. Trying to please her is exhausting and endless. I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough. So, I go on with the performance, mask firmly in place wondering if it will ever be my turn

Can this ever change? 

After treating adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers for 30 years, the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good daughter” can be the hardest to spot and the trickiest to treat. Yet, a rupture in the facade or a crack in the mask can also be an opportunity for growth. What looks on the outside, like a tragedy can be a much-needed cry for help and a path to the essential self.

A cry that can be answered -A therapist who knows what to look for and what to do can help bring the daughter of Narcissistic Mother, trapped inside the role of the “good daughter” back to life.

Because living for someone else is no way to live.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome go here.

This article was originally published by https://psychcentral.com

TWEET IT OUT –

After treating adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers for 30 years, the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good daughter” can be the hardest to spot and the trickiest to treat. Click To Tweet Living for someone else, even your mother, is no way to live. Click To Tweet Click To Tweet A therapist who knows what to look for and what to do can help bring the daughter of Narcissistic Mother, trapped inside the role of the “good daughter” back to life. Click To Tweet A rupture in the facade or a crack in the mask can also be an opportunity for growth. What looks on the outside, like a tragedy can be a much-needed cry for help and a path to the essential self. Click To Tweet Those friends who think I have it all together would see I measure whether or not it is a good or bad day or by the number that registers on my bathroom scale. Click To Tweet The ‘good daughter’s” real self is buried alive underneath Mom’s neediness. Click To Tweet
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