Daughters Rising

Why Am I So Hard On Mothers?

by Katherine Fabrizio

hard on mothers

If you’ve landed here… you know I’ve created an entire website devoted to calling out difficult mothers and helping their daughters. Yikes! I’ve taken the hardest job on the planet (motherhood) and shone the spotlight on the cracks.

How dare I be so hard on mothers??

Aren’t we as women on the same team or at least….. shouldn’t we be? And isn’t my name-calling and picking apart every little thing a mother does wrong cruel given the masochistic, patriarchal world we live in?

Why don’t I just give mothers a break? !!!!

I’ve asked myself the same questions.

You see, I too have suffered sore nipples from nursing a colicky baby, staggered through a day on little sleep only a few years later to feel the twist of the knife as my teenager screamed” I hate you” when I said no. And yes I’ve struggled mightily letting my daughters go….when the time came.

It isn’t as if motherhood has been a cakewalk for me- far from it.

I’ve never worked harder at anything or cared more about anything…. than being a mother.

And yet. I’ve fallen short of the mark… many times. The demands of motherhood have brought me to my knees more than once.

Raising another human is a messy and sacred business that brings out the best and worst in all of us. Motherhood will steal your heart, rip it out of your chest, then break it again and again as you work yourself out of a job you both loved and hated. No other endeavor asks so much of you.

At least, it certainly did that to me.

So why do I insist on holding mothers to a high standard?

Simple.  Mothers have power over their daughters.

There is no getting around that one. Starting in infancy and then later in adulthood it is not and never will be a relationship of equals. There is an inherent power imbalance in the relationship. And with power comes great responsibility.

That’s the math, as I see it.

So when mothers use their daughters to meet their needs – through conscious or unconscious means, I call foul!

Enabling a mother’s dysfunctional behavior (even if mom has “good reasons” for being the way she is) only kicks the dysfunction down the road for the next generation to deal with.

The women who come after her will pay the price….anxiety, low self-esteem, depression…

hard on mothers

 

that is, until someone says ENOUGH!

But the thing is… most daughters only know their “Mom”. They don’t and can’t know that there is a reason for Mom’s bullying, intrusive, clingy, needy, or appropriating behavior.

Many assume everyone’s mother acts that way.

All they know is that the relationship makes them feel bad about themselves. They don’t know if Mom’s Narcissistic, Borderline, or passing down her trauma. 

Now, to be sure some Moms just have a hard time letting go and simply need a wake-up call, some are only reactive around certain hot button issues resulting from their own trauma, and some Moms have been out-of-control abusive bullies for their daughters’ entire lives.

I’ve come across all of the above.

Needless to say, a one-size approach does not fit all. There are all kinds of Difficult mothers and degrees of difficulty. 

So back to my original question. Why am I so hard on mothers?

Because when you combine the vulnerability of the daughter with the insecurity ( underlying all personality disorders) of the mother… damage is inevitable.

We can’t set straight what we can’t see. Someone has to draw a line in the sand.

Mothers need tons of support and understanding, but if we lapse into denial and insist all mothers are saints, no matter their behavior, we perpetuate the cycle.

Only that which is brought into the conscious light of day can be helped and healed.

When you know better you can do better.

Famous Gestalt therapist, Fritz Pearls said nothing changes until it becomes what it is- meaning you first must face the truth before you can change it.

In my experience, the mothers who can hear their daughter’s pain and are open to taking some responsibility will find their daughters eager and willing. However, mothers who can only gaslight and fail to concede any ground will find that their daughters can and should move on without them.

 

This is the time to hold mothers accountable to stop the cycle of intergenerational wounding that keeps all women from fulfilling their potential.

The Good Daughter

 

 

Staying stuck in misery helps no one.  In the universal story of oppressor and the oppressed someone has to rise up and say that they deserve better.

Mothers, holding daughters hostage with guilt and obligation is no way to foster a relationship. And deploying snarky subtext-laden messages are beneath us as women.

Getting our needs met in covert and manipulative ways diminishes both mother and daughter.

And yes, in order to course-correct, sometimes it is necessary to leave a relationship that is demoralizing and demeaning– even if that relationship is with your mother.

Staying put and staying angry only sucks the life force out of you. If Mom’s defenses are impenetrable, banging your head against that metaphorical wall will only leave you battered and bruised.

There’s too much work to be done on both micro and macro levels.

But whether or not I am hard on mothers is immaterial in the end. Whether or not she can come with you, go where you are going is not up to you or me, it is up to her.

But, it’s your job to live in your truth and move forward and it’s mine to call out the relationship dynamics that take us backward instead of forward. Even when that means being hard on mothers. And that includes me. I am still learning from my daughters.

When we rise up, we can lift each other up.

Won’t you join us?

Get your free guide Good Daughter to Empowered woman here.

 

 

 

 

Strategies for Dealing With a Narcissistic Mother That Work

by Katherine Fabrizio

strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother

 

“I know she’s a narcissist but I need strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother that work.”

Exhausted, demoralized, and frustrated, if you are a daughter of a narcissistic mother…you are at the end of your rope or will be in the near future.

Maybe you’ve thought about going no contact, telling her off, or simply hoping she will change. All you know for sure is that you’ve had enough pain and drama for one lifetime.

frustrated wom

 You want off the emotional roller coaster ride.

The thing is, you know she is narcissistic (or suspect she is), but that’s only half the battle…

Knowing isn’t enough. What you need is a strategy, a game plan, and fast.

Luckily I’ve been strategizing with psychotherapy clients (who have narcissistic or difficult mothers) for the past 30 years.  Take it from me, I’ve seen up close what doesn’t work. I can save you some time, possibly dollars, and a great deal of heartache.

But, before we get into what strategies will work, we need to examine the strategies that don’t work and why.

strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother

 

Here are the top 5 strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother that don’t work.

1) Insist Mom get into therapy –

Why you do it– Worn out, beat up, and exhausted from the endless back and forth, you are desperate for a 3rd party to help you navigate the relationship with Mom. You think, if she won’t listen to you, she will listen to an authority figure. You hope she will open up to a professional whose job it is to help her.

What’s likely to happen The hard-to-handle, defensive Mom will rarely, if ever, enter therapy truly open to getting help.  Her entire MO is deflecting blame and finding fault in other people. Anything less, she experiences as a defeat.  That’s how she has survived so far. So, IF and that’s a big IF she ever darkens the door of a therapist’s office, she will most likely do so with one of 2 objectives, a) to prove she is the victim of your unfair attack b) to prove the therapist wrong,

Mom will come out of the session declaring victory, say the therapist either sided with her or alternatively that the therapist is an idiot/doesn’t know what she is talking about. She will miss the point of therapy entirely. Sadly, she can not enter into the kind of therapeutic relationship with what it takes for her to change- the willingness to be vulnerable, transparent, and reflective.  Nope, not gonna happen in this lifetime.

2) Write her epic letters explaining how she has hurt you –

Why you do it-. You think if only she would hear you out, you could explain to her exactly and in detail how she has hurt you. You crave justice so badly you can taste it. Having been treated unfairly for so long now, you are ready to have your say.

What’s likely to happen- Getting it down on paper will probably feel good to you. Laying it all out there will be therapeutic for you. She, on the other hand, is likely to use it as a weapon, cherry-pick a few points to refute your entire argument, and point the finger back at you. She will accuse you of a false equivalence or demonstrate faux outrage, declaring herself the victim. ” This is my thanks for trying to help you! ”

3) Argue with her, hoping she will see your side-

Why you do it – Not willing to let her bully you any longer, you stick up for yourself and don’t back down. You’ve put up with too much for too long, and you aren’t going to roll over anymore.

What’s likely to happen- Even though it can feel cathartic to let her have it with both barrels after all this time, you rarely get the result you want. Either she fires back with all the ammo she can muster, or she crumbles in a tearful heap– thereby shutting down any effective communication.

4) Try to be good so she’ll be good to you-  

Why you do it- You keep thinking if you can look good for mom, make Mom look good, or make sure mom is good with you; she will return the favor and come through for you.

What’s likely to happen- Sadly, Mom comes to expect it. Her needs take priority and the motto” if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” becomes your mantra. You are programmed from childhood to defer to her needs. You keep waiting for a payoff that never comes.

5) Complain to everyone but Mom

Why you do it- stuck Between a rock and a hard place, you need someone to listen to because it never goes well when you try and talk to Mom. Instead, you chew your husband and/or best friend’s ear off with the same complaints. Troopers that they are, even they get worn out with the same old story time after time, especially when they aren’t the ones that can change things.

What’s likely to happen –They get worn out, and it never really scratches where you itch. The same issues with Mom keep happening, like groundhog day. Depression and anxiety get a foothold in your psyche as hopelessness sets in. 

At this point, I need to make one thing perfectly clear. 

You aren’t doing anything wrong. In fact, you are only doing what comes naturally to you, what would come naturally to any daughter, given what you have to work with. Working for mom’s approval, trying to reason with her, exploding in frustration when you can’t get through to her, and thinking it must be your fault when all of your attempts fail.

But you would be wrong in thinking that there was something wrong with you. You see, your survival brain, trying to keep you alive and well, made some bargains in early childhood and signed contracts with Mom that aren’t healthy for you now. Your evolutionary mandate to make it work with the one God gave you was in full operation.

The problem now is- you don’t know those contracts to put mom’s needs ahead of your own are way past their expiration dates and sorely in need of an upgrade. You may be using an old operating system even though you are a grown adult woman, yet the assumptions mom makes are a product of a time when she had full power over you.

Here’s the problem… and it’s not you!

If Mom is truly narcissistic and has a full-blown personality disorder– she cannot, will not, set her concerns aside and put herself in your place. The defenses that make up a narcissistic personality will prevent her from dropping the shield she uses to defend herself from what she fears is psychological devastation- even for her own child (you).

Unfortunately, all of your approaches are dependent on her willingness to at least meet you halfway. However, that particular chip is missing.

 

 Exactly why these strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother don’t work

A) Working for mom’s approval – if she is narcissistic, she needs to be superior; therefore, you need to be inferior. Ergo, she can’t give you the approval you crave. She would lose her advantage. It isn’t because she is evil; it’s because the defenses she uses to keep her from falling into a cauldron of self-loathing demand she come out on top.

Sadly she needs to defeat everyone, including you.

B) Waiting to get Mom’s permission to take charge of your adult life – Chances are you don’t even know you are doing it. You’ve been trained all of your life to take the subservient position so as not to rock the boat, challenge mom, or upset her. Yet, it is in your vocal tone, the way you ask a question rather than make a statement. You think if you don’t threaten her, she will grant you permission to do what’s best for you.

The truth is, if Mom is narcissistic, she needs to keep you subservient (under her), so she treats your deference as a weakness and refuses to grant you permission.

C) Expecting Mom to empathize with you-  I’ve seen too many daughters, particularly trapped in the role of the good daughter, collect hurts expecting Mom to wake up one day and realize all they have endured for mom and finally give them the love they deserve. Except the only one counting is you. Mom is just being Mom oblivious to the hurt she causes.

The harsh truth is, narcissism doesn’t allow her the bandwidth to empathize with you. Therefore she can’t see much less face what she has put you through. That would cause her too much shame, the emotion she is working to avoid. Suppose she does register (for a nanosecond) that she is causing you distress. In that case, her defenses quickly come to the rescue (hers, not yours) with a massive rationalization campaign to wipe away any discomfort she may be feeling.

Like an etch-a-sketch… any empathy for you is wiped away.

strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother

Why have I gone so far into the weeds about narcissism and what doesn’t work?

Because this leads to the number one strategy for dealing with a narcissistic mom that will work.

*RESTRAINT*

I know, I know, at first glance, it doesn’t look very sexy, mindblowing, or transformative. But believe me, it IS.

And, it will be the hardest thing you ever do. Holding back what comes naturally for a normal person is very hard. As a daughter, you keep hoping against hope that one more explanation, one more convincing argument, will make all the difference.

Sadly, it makes no difference. It only exhausts you.

Why is this the number one strategy for dealing with a narcissistic mother?

mouth shut -strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother

 Because a narcissist’s entire game plan is based on defeat, and if she can get and keep you engaged in the arena, she has a fighting chance. Narcissists thrive on gamesmanship. They live to fight, whereas it takes a chunk out of your soul.

You basically are playing two different games. More accurately put, you have two different objectives for relating. Your objective is relational. You want to build a relationship. Most people do. A narcissist’s objective is to wield power over you.

Up until now, you have been speaking the language of mutual respect, kindness, compassion, empathy, and fair play. She has been speaking the language of power, manipulation, intimidation, and of course, one-up-manship.

Strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother have more to do with power than establishing a relationship. Therefore, by keeping your engagement to a minimum, you refuse her the material she needs to put you down.

 

What does restraint look like?

So restraint means -withholding that which she would use to defeat you.

That means you don’t fall for gaslighting, baiting and love-bombing; all of which are manipulations… disguised as something else- the verbal wolf in sheep clothing. These manipulations are designed to throw you off the narcissist’s game, to put you at a disadvantage so she can gain power over you. In a nutshell (pun intended), if something feels off, consider the source.

So now that you are onto the narcissist’s games and less likely to fall for them you are better prepared to develop some proactive strategies.

Are these strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother easy? NOT ON YOUR LIFE!

Are they possible? ABSOLUTELY!

Are you ready? YES!

 

 Strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother that will work!

Reset expectations with Mom-

Whatever your past behavior has lead Mom to expect, you can take control and change it up.

For example- When you get an email, phone call, or text, wait for a beat-up (a moment or a day- depending) to respond. Instead of your usual, she says jump, and you say how high, reset her expectation of you. If you’ve always spent the holidays with her you might stay in a hotel, limit the visit or leave if it becomes uncomfortable.

Lead with intention.

Know what is important to you and where you will and will not concede. Take what hasn’t been granted to you.

For example – When mom pushes you to do something you don’t want to do, say, ” Mom, x isn’t as important to me as y. I will be (fill in the blank)ing from now on.

Deflect criticisms from Mom.

When Mom criticizes you or weighs in with a bit of unwanted advice make it clear you have no interest in entertaining her opinions.

For example- “I hear you feel that way and it’s hurtful to hear. ” ” I’m not sure why you’d want to say that to me? “I’ll be deciding (fill in the blank) for myself and will ask you if I need your help ”

Accept that Mom is who she is instead of who you need her to be.

This might seem obvious, yet, children tend to want their parents to be who they need them to be. If Mom has acted in certain ways for years, observed predictable patterns, don’t expect her to change.

For example- Instead of pointing out to her all of the things she does to hurt you, protect yourself accordingly and don’t tie your happiness to her opinion of you.

Own your mistakes and successes instead of serving them up to Mom.

Everyone messes up. It isn’t the end of the world. If you make a mistake, take the lesson and move on. Don’t make too much of the things that don’t work out and create a negative story about yourself.

For example– Instead of explaining what went wrong to Mom, thereby offering up material for her to bash you, process your experience with someone you trust, learn the lesson, and move past it.

Leave your childhood behind.

Accept responsibility for your adult life and claim that life as a grown-up even though your mother may still treat you like a child.

For example – When Mom tries to tell you what to do, tell her you will need to decide for yourself. Make decisions without asking for Mom’s input.

Redefine what it means to be good for yourself.

Good is now independent, self-sufficient, sovereign. Recalibrate your life to reflect your values instead of hers.

For example -Prioritize yourself. Literally, make sure your needs are taken care of before entertaining taking care of hers. Be prepared that she will test you on this.

Work to disengage any ties of obligation to her.

For It’s hard to negotiate from a position of obligation. If you live under her roof, use her for childcare, and borrow money from her, she will use it as leverage. Establish your independence even if you have to take it step by step.

The reason all of these strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother DO work

These strategies are all under your control.

All of your childhood she held the control. Now that you are grown you control her access to you and influence over you.

***All that’s left is for you to realize it.***

Once she knows you won’t waver and are solid in your resolve she knows you are the one with the power.

From Good Daughter To Empowered Woman – Get your free guide here.

 

What strategies have you tried that work or don’t work? Let me know in the comments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and Romantic Relationships: When Anxiety Feels Like Love

by Katherine Fabrizio

For daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, romantic relationships are set up for trouble, real trouble.

* Having never learned what a secure love feels like, they understandably mistake their anxiety for love.

If a Narcissistic mother raised you, and things aren’t going so well in your love life, I’d like to help you make sense of your experience.

showing how daughters of narcissistic mothers and romantic relationships begin

First, let’s start with how you are set up for failure?

Because Mom is your primary attachment figure (read, your first love), your experience with Mom is your template for love.

Let me explain:

Biologically, we are primed for attachment. In this extended state of dependency, we are one big love machine. Because we can’t feed ourselves, walk or talk on our own for almost a year, we literally can’t survive without a mothering (or caregiving) presence. Yep, that includes your mom.

Babies are cute for a reason, an evolutionary reason.

Mother nature ensures our survival by making us irresistibly cute and undeniably taken with our primary caregiver. We are, in fact, wired to love the one we are with. So baby (that would be you) is going to make the best of it… with all she’s got.

One of the brain’s primary functions at this stage is to bond…which is to fall deeply and completely in love.

Your first love is Mom. The first meal you enjoyed was at Mom’s breast or the bottle while gazing into her eyes. As her arms cradled you, this was your first bed.  The voice you first heard was hers in utero and then later cooing you to sleep. You were literally wired for attachment to your particular Mom.

And home to you was… wherever mom was.

The nest she created, your room, and the house you grew up in was an extension of mom. The way the kitchen smelled when she cooked your favorite food…. her perfume, the touch of the blanket or teddy bear that she gave you- all an extension of mom. We encode all of these things, and they all become elements of our attachment template.

That’s all well and good, but…

What happens if mom is depressed, narcissistic, or borderline?

daughters of narcissistic mothers and romantic relationships

You may have looked into your mother’s eyes only to find emptiness or worry rather than delight.

If she was fighting off anxiety, she might have been unable to be present in a way that soothed you. Perhaps your needs overwhelmed her, not because you were too much but because she felt inadequate as a mother. If she was depressed, she couldn’t muster the enthusiasm to give you a loving gaze in return. Instead, you got the flatline of indifference.

If she was unable to self-regulate, she was unable to be a soothing presence for you.

It should come as no surprise, Daughters of Narcissistic mothers have a completely different experience of romantic relationships. It is directly related to their experience of their first love, Mom.

Ask yourself:

What was going on with Mom when you were born?

Did she have enough food? Was your father out drinking, and she jumped every time she heard a police siren or the phone ring? Perhaps your brother or sister was challenging to handle and distracted mom so much that you lost her loving attention. Or she was unmothered herself… to such an extent that she just didn’t have it in her to give to you.

All of the above and more are possible.

If you were an attuned, empathetic “good” daughter, the chances are great that you did more than your fair share of the emotional work to make the relationship work. If mom were Narcissistic, she had major deficits in her sense of self and was unable to mother you in a way that made you feel safe and secure.

Bottom-line for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and their template for romantic relationships: This is what you have come to expect from love.

It isn’t your fault; it is your experience.  

Why on earth would you expect a later love to be any different?

When you fall in love-

When you fall for that beautiful boy, that handsome rogue, or that irresistible same-sex partner, your attachment systems go all out. The same system activated to ensure your survival is now activated to make sure you pair, bond, and reproduce.

Mother nature wants what she wants.

She doesn’t care if he or she is right or wrong for you.

Mother nature has her way with you.

This is why the whites of the eyes show as lovers gaze at each other. The pupils dilate, and the heart pounds. You call each other baby. You coo and feed each other, hold and caress. Simply gazing into each other’s eyes causes a cascade of feel-good hormones.

This template etched in your unconscious is the operating system running the show.

The script from which you speak is what you unconsciously bring into your relationships. Mother nature is trying to ensure the perpetuation of the species, and your brain is calling it love!

What happens when you meet the not-so-nice guy or gal?

Because of this unconscious template, when you are dropped, ignored, or dissed by your romantic interest, others might see it as a deal-breaker. But you, you see it as a challenge that you need to meet.

Better yet, if he/she’s unavailable, addicted, self-absorbed, or opportunistic – you insist they are misunderstood. They haven’t encountered your brand of loving. The loving that will make it all better. You go all in; you’ve got this.

That heart-pounding, shortness of breath is just proving to you that this is true love.  You just know it.

Then you go into over-drive, working like hell to make it work. Your well-meaning friends are trying to talk sense into you, but your unconscious isn’t listening. They just don’t understand. You’ve been here before, and it feels like home.

Hell, you were born for this!

How did you get so unlucky?

While some people (who have a different attachment template) might avoid or disengage when faced with an unavailable or not-so-nice partner, this isn’t you. You love love, love, a project. You go all out as if your life depended on making this relationship work.

Once rooted in your childhood experience, it is now buried deep in your unconscious brain, telling you dangerous lies. Lies that only put your hurtful experience on repeat.

How do you experience it consciously?

You might misinterpret your anxiety as butterflies… telling you this is the one instead of telling you the more appropriate message-RUN FOR THE HILLS!

When you experience this anxiety, you feel on a deep primal preverbal level that your very survival is in question.  When you don’t feel the other’s attention or love in a dependable, consistent way, you feel anxiety.

Your attachment system makes you an addict in need of a fix of attention.

You lose sight of considering whether the other person is a suitable partner.

We joke and say you lose your mind. But this is true.  You look for ways to keep the “other’s” attention. Instead of looking out for yourself, you work to elicit signs of their affection &/or caretaking from the other.

 You start to confuse anxiety with love.

This can be a slippery slope anxiously working to keep the other person’s attention. Do it enough, and you only reinforce the idea that you are in love.

Before you know it, love hurts.

What you call love, is in fact, primarily anxious bonding from an insecure attachment.

While the baby in you is trying to ensure survival, the good daughter in you is working too hard and settling for more she should.

*You aren’t doomed, and you aren’t broken.

You deserve to be loved and to give love.

To find out if you are caught in the good daughter trap, go here.

What has your experience been? Let me know in the comments.

 

 

 

The(Hidden)Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

by Katherine Fabrizio

*The effects of a narcissistic mother on her daughter can be hidden- yet the damage is just right beneath the surface. * 

 

You might miss her unless you know what to look for. 

Plastering on a beauty queen/ camera-ready smile that functions more like a mask than an expression of joy is the smile that insists, “I’m fine, perfect in fact. Why would you ask?”

Look closer and you will see there is no joy nor ease in that smile. It is more militant than confident. Designed to please, you, not her.

This daughter, trapped in the role of the “good” daughter of the Narcissistic Mother, must hide her true self behind a mask of faux perfection.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

 

If she could speak from behind her mask and let you know how she feels, she might say something like this- “I’ll put up any facade rather than let you in on the dirty little secret that I am flawed and hurting.

I don’t trust myself to be anything but people-pleasing, yet I don’t trust people. I explain and apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s safest that way.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers learn to be good instead of real. 

(The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter)

Ask her, and she will tell you, “In my house, we went by the motto, “if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. And it was true; Mom’s happiness is what mattered. If she wasn’t happy, it was my job to fix it.

I don’t dare complain. I am always O.K.

I’d better be.” Growing up with my Mother there was no room for me to feel anything but ok. That’s why, if I did complain, she told me, “You’re too sensitive.” So, I’ve learned to pretend that I’m ok even when I’m not.”

Why can’t she tell her mother how she feels? 

“I’ve tried to tell her what she does to hurt me, and it never does any good. It always ends up being my fault. I’ve learned it’s better to keep complaints to myself.  My real self is buried here underneath this mask. I might look alive, but honestly, I feel dead inside.”

The ‘good daughter’s” real self is buried alive underneath Mom’s needs. 

“Everyone says I am a “good daughter.” They don’t know what it costs me. When I’m not good, my real self threatens to breakthrough. It is safer to be fake- no wonder I feel like an imposter.

The problem is, my true self is angry and out of control. I’m afraid I can’t trust myself. So, I cut, exercise, or starve myself to get her under control… to let off the pressure. I’m not always self-destructive. Sometimes it is enough to pull off good grades or get a job promotion. The trouble is when the good grades come in or the job promotion is handed down, I feel like a fake. I’m flooded with doubt. I think I don’t deserve it. I’m just waiting to be found out- an imposter in my own life.”

 Success feels like only a stay of execution. 

“I can never let my guard down, not completely. If my teachers or boss could see behind my act, they would see what a loser I really am. They would know I eat a carton of ice cream and then go for a 5-mile run to stop the critics inside my head.

Those friends who think I have it all together would see I measure whether it is a good or bad day or by the number that registers on my bathroom scale.

I don’t leave the house without my makeup. I need the mask. Everyone thinks I’m nice, but no one really knows the real me. I’m not sure they would like the real me if they knew me. So I hide behind this mask. Yet, it gets so lonely in here buried underneath this pretense of perfection.”

The reason she stays trapped- 

“I’m like a Disney character, smiling on the outside while sweating bullets and cursing under my breath inside the suffocating costume. The only difference is… I can’t take off the costume. What’s worse, it isn’t even my fantasy- it’s Mom’s fantasy, and I’m just a prop in her magic kingdom.

Sometimes, I get so mad at her and feel resentful. But, after I calm down, I feel waves of guilt. I can’t tell her what this is doing to me. It will only hurt her. That’s the real trap.

The thing is, I don’t think she can help the way she is. She had a rough childhood, much rougher than mine, even though she hardly ever talks about it. When I ask questions, the look that comes over her face is enough to make me stop. I don’t want to see her suffer anymore.”

But sometimes, I feel like it is her happiness or mine.“

Why the ‘good daughter’ never feels good enough-

(The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter)

 “Mom seems pleased when I do well. How can I take that away from her? That is, she is happy for the moment. She beams when I am making the grades, winning the trophy, or acting like a plastic doll.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her DaughterCan’t she see it is a performance, not a life? As pleased as Mom can be at the moment, once I stop making her look good, the criticisms startup.

Trying to please her is exhausting and endless. I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough. So, I go on with the performance, mask firmly in place wondering if it will ever be my turn.

Was this or something close to it… your story?

Here are 3 ways this Good Daughter role is a trap.

  • 1. The daughter’s attunement traps her.  She is the one who sees, feels and senses when mom is upset. 

Her closeness to mom and hypervigilence to mom’s moods may feel like love to her. Why wouldn’t it? It is all she has ever known.

If mom is upset, the Good Daughter feels it is her job to fix it. This is habitual and ingrained.

This dynamic that is rooted in childhood when daughter needed mom to be okay.

Because her own needs have been intertwined with her mothers, the Good Daughter has a hard time rejecting mom or causing mom upset without feeling her own security is jeopardized.

2. She is not only hurt by her damaged mother but she feels responsible for her mother’s well-being.

Growing up – the Good Daughter learns that care-taking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. Making sure mom is okay comes first. Then and only then can she feel safe.

She has learned to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem.

3. The Good daughter is frequently the one mom looks to- to be the example. 

Her mother’s defenses mandate she look “good” for mom or be “good” for mom. Mom’s need for self-preservation comes at the cost of her daughter’s developmental needs.

If you can relate you might be wondering about the effects of a narcissistic mother on her daughter.

What has happened or is happening with this destructive dynamic?

Let me break the effects of a narcissistic mother on her daughter for you-

A daughter who has been raised by a mother with serious psychological difficulty is trapped by her mother’s needs in ways that cost her then  & now. When mom has NPD ( Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or  BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder) or has traits of these personality disorders, her daughter will on some level adapt her functioning to accommodate her mother’s impairment.

The daughter who is most attuned to mom is frequently stuck in the role of the “good daughter”.

This role is good for mom but bad for her. For the “good” daughter, rejecting mom is simply not an option.  She is not only hurt by her damaged mother but on some level feels responsible for her mother’s well-being. This adaptation to Moms’ distorted sense of self will affect every aspect of her daughter’s life.

Her mother’s defenses mandate she look “good” for mom or be “good” for mom. Mom’s need for self-preservation comes at the cost of her daughter’s developmental needs.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

Growing up – the good daughter learns that care-taking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe. She has learned to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem.

For emotional survival, she learns to disconnects from herself and tunes into mom’s needs instead.

What does it cost her to be ‘good” for mom instead of real for herself?

( The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter)

The daughter in the role of the good daughter may look like she has it all together yet be flooded with self-doubt when met with the slightest criticism.

Years of looking good for mom and feeling that she has to be better than she is leaves her with little emotional resilience. Consequentially, detaching from her essential self, while letting another person in is almost impossible.

Because of this detachment, her capacity for intimate relating can be severely limited.

Isolated and lonely, the good daughter is plagued by an emptiness she doesn’t understand.

showing the effects of a narcissistic mother on her daughter

She assumes everyone feels it. The acceptance she longs for frequently feels out of her reach. Tragically, when the “good daughter” feels the need to keep up an illusion of perfection, no one gets to see whom she really is at her core.

When a love interest gets too close, she may back away, fearing if she reveals her real self, she will be found lacking. This is her double-bind, show your true self and you risk losing the love you need. Or, keep up a front and you never really feel loved for yourself.

Alternatively, she will pick partners who are in desperate need of narcissistic mirroring themselves.

She may be surrounded by people but feel profoundly lonely and not know why. Riddled with anxiety she won’t measure up in some way, the good daughter often over-functions at work or at school. Rather than bringing a sense of satisfaction, she feels like an imposter only waiting to be found out.

The good daughter might exercise and starve herself to quiet the internalized critical voice that relentlessly calls her “fat,” “lazy,”.  If she obeys the internal critical voices and gives of herself enough, she can sometimes calm the voices to a dull roar.

Still, the internal tyrant is always there, lying in wait—waiting to hunt her down the minute the “good daughter” lets down her guard.

internal critic

In an effort to look good, she may keep it all together only to turn to food or alcohol when no one is looking.

In extreme cases, she resorts to cutting or other forms of self-harm to release the accumulated pressure she feels from keeping up the facade.

Keeping up the facade is exhausting and never-ending. The “good daughter” may not know how to fail in small ways and bounce back. There is no middle ground. Her so-called successes are both a pedestal and a prison. Every success sets an expectation she feels she has to meet, every time.

The fake smile, the protective mask, the relentless pursuit of perfection has crushed the little girl inside who has learned to look good her narcissistically defended mom instead of being real for herself.

Being real wasn’t good enough for mom.

The good daughter must look good and make sure everyone is okay with her even when mom is nowhere in sight. No one told her that this is an impossible task. Because happiness, even her own, is an inside job. As a result of trying, she may feel overwhelming shame, guilt, and self-doubt. These oppressive feelings threaten to bury her alive.

What can she do?

She needs to know that her buried self is still there, waiting to be reclaimed and brought back to life.

Paradoxically, her discontent holds the breadcrumbs to trace a way back to herself. The good daughter’s unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings.

The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self. Plugging back into the current of her true range of feelings—not merely the “nice” ones—can energize her passion and creativity.

With that energy, she may finally be able to shake off the shame, claim her true feelings, and find her way back home—to her essential self.

Armed with awareness, the Good Daughter can use the map of her mother’s narcissistic or borderline wounds as the detailed guide to finding her power as a woman.

Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment.

 

Because living for your mother is no way to live.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome go here.

TWEET IT OUT –

After treating adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers for 30 years, the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good daughter” can be the hardest to spot and the trickiest to treat. Click To Tweet Living for someone else, even your mother, is no way to live. Click To Tweet The(Hidden)Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter Click To Tweet A therapist who knows what to look for and what to do can help bring the daughter of Narcissistic Mother, trapped inside the role of the “good daughter” back to life. Click To Tweet A rupture in the facade or a crack in the mask can also be an opportunity for growth. What looks on the outside, like a tragedy can be a much-needed cry for help and a path to the essential self. Click To Tweet Those friends who think I have it all together would see I measure whether or not it is a good or bad day or by the number that registers on my bathroom scale. Click To Tweet The ‘good daughter’s” real self is buried alive underneath Mom’s neediness. Click To Tweet

Hidden Ways Mothers Can Create Self-Doubt in Their Daughters

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

You look great, but wonder if that dress comes in a larger size?

I’m glad you got the job, but are you sure you want to put the kids in daycare… all day?

The apartment is nice but can you really afford something so fancy with your job?

Does Mom offer up a question that’s not really a question but rather a judgment disguised as a question? Do you need to pay attention to what is not said, but implied to decipher the real message? Do you look to tone &  facial expression for the truth? Does mom have trouble being upfront, transparent, or real? Do her “questions” leave you second-guessing yourself?

Why is this a problem?

The problem is, when criticism isn’t direct, it is difficult to process and recognize the insult hidden inside. It makes you feel uncomfortable but your mind argues against it. When a question isn’t a question but an indictment of a choice you have already made- the “question” is designed to produce self-doubt.

I am here to say this is amongst the most destructive ways mothers relate to daughters.

Consider this-When someone in your life tells you upfront they don’t agree with you, that’s one thing. You have the opportunity to address it. You might not like it. It might even hurt, but ultimately you realize we all need to be challenged in order to make better decisions and grow. Conversely, mixed messages plant seeds of self-doubt.

It works like this- The toxicity in mom’s mixed messaged, double-speak, the subtext is ingested, taken in – like the shiny apple offered to Snow White in the Grimm’s Brothers fairy tale. Because her advice is offered as a gift and may look pretty/helpful on the outside, eager to please mom -you take a bite and swallow it whole. Before you know it, you feel something is not quite right.

Taking in a message that contains poison, you feel sick. This poison erodes your confidence and you begin to doubt yourself.

This is how the spell of self-doubt is cast. You don’t feel that you can refuse moms “caring”. You are not fully conscious of the hurt- so it is hard to refuse the offering. You feel that you have to play nice and take what is offered. That is the way you stay under the spell of the mixed message

As a psychotherapist, for over 30 years I have seen women struggling from the spell of the mixed message they were put under by their mothers. This is ugly and far more common than you would guess.

Some daughters in the role of “Good” Daughter have seriously impaired mothers who cause serious damage. Their care is laced with a huge dose of toxicity. Other daughters are hurt by mothers who are merely passing down what they themselves have suffered. They swallowed the toxicity from their own mothers and can’t help but poison their own daughters -if they follow ( patriarchal)  cultural expectations.

Either way, it is very hard to face the fact that the person who is lifting you up is also hurting you and undermining your self-esteem. Hurtful, even if mom is unaware of the hurt she is causing. What’s worse, you take this toxicity inside of yourself and it becomes part of your self-talk.It is very hard to face the fact that the person who is lifting you up is also hurting you and undermining your self-esteem. Hurtful, even if mom is unaware of the hurt she is causing.

What will it cost you if you don’t break the spell? If you can’t consciously face that your mother is serving up arsenic-laced apples, you will never be able to tell which relationships and life situations are good for you, you will need to repeat those destructive relational patterns in your close intimate relationships. You will take one shiny apple after another, ingest the poison therein and all the while tell yourself this is what you deserve.

At the unconscious level, you will need to keep yourself in shady situations and tell yourself that you are in sunshine. You will convince yourself that the problem is yours. The apple tastes good, not bitter and that the shadows are only in your imagination. You are too sensitive, that’s all.

It can be so very hard to face the truth of your relationship with your mother if this is the case. Yet if you don’t, you will be compelled to treat your own daughter the same way and put her under the same spell.

What you don’t pass back, you pass on. That is why it is both hard to face, and so important to face this for yourself.  But you must face this consciously, in order to break the spell. This is grown up work with grown-up rewards.

You must break this spell in order to get free of its grip on your life. Step out of the shadows, call a spade a spade and an insult an insult. Hand back the poison-laced apples along with the backhanded compliments. Only then can you claim what is most beautiful about you. Heal this one and you will heal so very much in your life.

Find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role- go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out-

As a psychotherapist, for over 30 years I have seen women struggling from the spell of the mixed message they were put under by their mothers. Click To Tweet

Breaking the spell of the mixed message is at the heart of healing the difficulties between mothers and daughters. Click To Tweet

It is very hard to face the fact that the person who is lifting you up is also hurting you and undermining your self-esteem. Hurtful, even if mom is unaware of the hurt she is causing. Click To Tweet Does Mom offer up a question that's not really a question but rather a judgment disguised as a question? Click To Tweet If you can't consciously face that your mother is serving up arsenic-laced apples, you will never be able to tell which relationships and life situations are good for you. Click To Tweet Hidden Ways Mothers Can Create Self-Doubt in Their Daughters Click To Tweet

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DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

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