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Mothers & Daughters: The Delicate Dance From Dependence to Independence

December 6, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

 

A daughter’s healthy striving for independence is a long and winding road. Let’s face it, mothers and daughters have a history.Is it any wonder they have issues?No other relationship is tasked with wrestling the competing urges of dependence and independence right from the get-go.

From labor’s first contractions, mothers are both holding on to and letting go of their daughters. Considering one of the duos started off in the other’s body, it is no wonder the path from dependence to independence is a journey. First conceived of, then conceived, carried and finally labored over, a mother and daughter travel many an emotional and developmental mile. One that is reiterated many times over during the time mothers and daughters relate to each other.

How it all begins- Once baby arrives, mom takes care of baby… yes the helpless baby who can’t feed diaper or even hold up her head. They bond or let’s be real here. They fall in love.

 

If all goes well, they look into one another’s eyes and find that they only have eyes for each other. This bonding is neurologically programmed into our DNA to ensure survival!   The early babyhood stage starts at dependence and vulnerability. For mom – life as she knew it, is over. Her body is broken open, sore nipples and sleepless nights set the stage for a tremendous level of sacrifice.

Depending on whether mom is psychologically sound and has support will influence to a great degree how well she adapts to this very difficult role.

For baby- well the baby is just being a baby, laying down the psychological hard drive she will operate from the rest of her days.Psychologists say it is the time you can never remember yet you never forget.  It is that basic, that fundamental. But this story has a trajectory. Baby’s job is to grow from complete dependence to mastery and independence.

At about year one and a half just when mom says to herself,” I’ve got this! ”the game changes. Her job goes from being everything to the young fledgling, to learning how to let go. She must increasingly relinquish control as baby gains independence. Talk about a job description rewrite! So it all begins. At best, baby and mom ally enough and delight at babies progress. At best, mom knows instinctively that babies progress is a result of her good enough mothering. Then both mom and baby can feel good about babies burgeoning independent functioning.” Look I did it myself!” Mom keeps track of the developmental milestones- perhaps proudly reporting to the playgroup moms or perhaps to her own mom the progress being made. Baby, well baby, just feels good or protests in more or less effective ways to let mom know when she doesn’t. The hard drive of her experience of life is laid down.

If all goes well or good enough, baby learns that life feels good and doing for self-feels even better. And when it doesn’t all go swimmingly, mom’s arms or lap is the go-to place where she mommy makes it all better. Refuel and reset in mom’s lap. When in resonance this all feels good. There are enough good feelings to go around. But in music, like life,  there is the dark note playing in the background, the counterpoint.

Every step taken is a step away from mommy. If all goes well, mom is working herself out of a job. How mom copes with this reality and loss tells the tale of whether or not separation will go well. For many mothers and daughters, this dance can get complicated and convoluted. Particularly if mom has a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality disorder or if mom is depressed or addicted the dance will involve lots of painful stepping on toes. If this is the case, mom’s mothering can be woefully impaired and daughters can have a lifetime of suffering because of her mother’s limitations.

This already difficult dance from dependence to independence becomes nearly impossible. Mother/Daughter relationship issues start very early on, are complex, and involve the psychological core of both mother and daughter. Understanding and navigating a daughter’s recovery from being mothered by a difficult/impaired mother takes understanding the developmental tasks for both mothers and daughters. So much is at stake. A daughter needs to heal her wounds before she can effectively parent her own daughter. Any approach to healing must include a compassionate understanding of the difficult psychological tasks at hand.

To find out if you are caught in the Good Daughter role- go here.

This article first appeared on my sister site https://raleighcounselingandtherapy.com/

TWEET IT OUT –

From labor's first contractions, mothers are both holding on to and letting go of their daughters. Click To Tweet First conceived of, then conceived, carried and finally labored over, a mother and daughter travel many an emotional and developmental mile. Click To Tweet

If all goes well, mom is working herself out of a job. How mom copes with this reality and loss tells the tale of whether or not separation will go well. Click To Tweet.

Every step taken is a step away from mommy. Click To Tweet Let’s face it, mothers and daughters have a history. Is it any wonder they have issues? Click To Tweet If all goes well or well enough, baby learns that life feels good and doing for self-feels even better. Click To Tweet A daughter needs to heal her wounds before she can effectively parent her own daughter. Click To Tweet If mom has a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality disorder the dance of dependence to independence will involve lots of painful stepping on toes. Click To Tweet Understanding and navigating a daughter's recovery from being mothered by a difficult/impaired mother takes understanding the developmental tasks for both mothers and daughters. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
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Filed Under: Mother Issues Tagged With: Daughters, Dependance, Independence, Mom, Mothers, parenting daughters

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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