Daughters Rising

Should I Go No Contact With My Mother?

by Katherine Fabrizio

There’s usually a last straw, a deal-breaker, the final insult you just can’t ignore.  You find yourself seriously asking…, ” Should I go no contact with my mother?”.

Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat.  Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.

You’ve reached the end of your rope, the last straw, and you can’t let her treat you this way.

Frankly, you don’t know what else to do.

Let me help you. I’ve lead hundreds of women just like you through the process of deciding if you should go no contact.

Below is your complete guide to help you decide.

At what point do you say ENOUGH?! Enough abuse, dysfunction, bullying, momma drama, intrusion, insults, and toxicity for one lifetime, you say.

Almost every daughter of a difficult mother I see in psychotherapy struggles with where to draw the line, and if to draw a hard line with her mother.

What does this look like in real life?

Seated on my psychotherapy couch, Sarah is in agony. ” I just can’t take one more discussion of my faults. Nothing is ever good enough for her. No matter what I do… she weighs in with criticism and judgment.  I get off the phone in tears feeling terrible about myself. Who needs that? I’d be better off never talking to her again.” 

In a later session, Emily says, “Mom’s a black hole. I constantly take care of her and have nothing left for myself. Her neediness is sucking the life out of me. Everything turns into a drama, and whatever happens, it’s always my fault. When will this end?”

Still later, Susan says,” My mother is toxic. She poisons everything she touches. She twists the truth and manipulates constantly to make herself look good instead of owing up to anything. I’ve had it with her lies and manipulations. After what she said to me yesterday, I am never speaking to that woman again!”

Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat.  Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.

There’s just no coming back from this one- you tell yourself.

Maybe she’s criticized you for the last time or created so much unnecessary drama she has exhausted all the goodwill, second chances, or patience you’ve got in you. Or you’ve exhausted yourself trying to please her and find…nothing is ever good enough for her.

Either way, you are out of emotional gas.

In the course of a psychotherapy day, I hear more than one daughter trapped in the role of the “good daughter”  of a difficult mother struggle with this one agonizing question, “Should I cut my mother off and go no contact?” 

Daughters of difficult mothers can’t imagine taking the abuse indefinitely, and they see only one way out… no contact.

This is indeed an option. In fact, sometimes it is the only acceptable option. Especially for daughters of mothers who fall on the antisocial, sociopathic end of the psychological spectrum, cutting off all contact can be the only way to save yourself.

So asking, should I go no contact with my mother? The short answer is probably “yes” if your mother is one of those Moms.

How can you tell?

When you feeling calm and not in a reactive mode, ask yourself:

  • Does Mom regularly break the law, lie, steal, or cheat without any show of remorse?
  • Is she intentionally cruel and seems to take pleasure in causing others misery?
  • Does she possess no capacity for empathy… no matter the circumstance?

 

This kind of Mom is frankly, rare. She is, however, someone you need to protect yourself from. If you can be 100% sure she is incapable of acting with basic human emotions, you need to get away… and fast. No contact is definitely in order.

But, for the majority of narcissistic, borderline, or personality disordered moms, many of whom land somewhere on a spectrum, you have other options to exercise before you deploy the nuclear option- going no contact.

Ask yourself, is Mom controlling, manipulative, and self-centered because it works for her or when her back is up against the wall? When the heat is off and she doesn’t feel threatened, can she show some empathy? Does she follow the rules in some aspect of her life, even when it isn’t to her advantage?

* I want to be sure you know- if your answer is yes, that doesn’t make Mom’s behavior okay in my book… not by a long shot. It just means she has other, more human psychological tools in her toolbox, ones that she can revert to using even if they are not her go-to default behaviors.

(You just have to give her enough reason to use them- but more on that later.)

 Feeling you have little choice and you may…

  1.  Insist Mom admit she is wrong and her daughter (you) are right.
  2. Insist Mom get into therapy and work on changing herself.
  3. Insist Mom change her personality.

And if not, you will go NO CONTACT! And if that’s what you are sure you want, to go no contact then go ahead by all means. Otherwise… not so fast.

What’s wrong with that you say? Mom is wrong and she needs to admit it before anything can change. She is the one that is messed up and needs help. Isn’t that obvious!

While I would totally agree with you on the points you make, in my experience, this approach almost never goes well.

You see Mom’s ways of thinking and doing things has been ingrained over years and years. She is very practiced at it and is unlikely to make a % 180-degree turn.

If you give Mom this kind of ultimatum, you are likely to get defensive push-back rather than the hoped-for concession.

 

But why, you ask? “I’m only asking for her to own her part in the dysfunction and agree to change her ways. Is that too much to ask”

The answer isn’t so much about what is fair… as it is about what is possible.

A mother whose personality structure has been dependent on deflecting blame and criticism is virtually allergic to taking responsibility for her actions. She will hardly EVER admit to being wrong, think she needs therapy, or commit to acting differently- at least, not in this lifetime.

Think of it this way: Mom has been using her defense mechanisms for pretty much her entire life, certainly way before you came along. As such, she will have encountered resistance to her ways. If none of the consequences she has encountered thus far has been enough to make her reconsider and self-reflect,  she is unlikely to give them up now.

In her mind, admitting she is wrong, messed up, or needs to change will dismantle her entire psychologically constructed house of cards. She will fight to the psychological death to give it up even if it destroys all her relationships in the process.

That doesn’t make it right but it does make it real. 

Yes, if Mom is that difficult, her walls are going to be hard to breach.

Does that mean Mom is hopeless and you have no other choice but to go no contact? I would argue- no, not right away- if at all. But, the change that needs to happen is within you. You have to get clear on the fact that you matter.

“Why is this so hard for me to do!”

Well, you see, the thing you need to do is the thing that is hardest for you to do. This is because you have had NO practice or support claiming your needs. Life as the Good daughter has revolved around your mother’s needs, moods, and preferences. It’s like a muscle you’ve hardly ever used. So it’s all but atrophied.

You don’t know that your needs, preferences, and opinions count TOO. Not yet, anyway. 

Ironically, demanding your mother change (and deep down knowing she won’t ) is just another version of making her the one that matters. Put her on the defensive and you will be dealt an onslaught of excuses, deflections, accusations, and well-worn arguments.  Either that or she will play the victim and crumble in a heap of tears designed to disarm you. Most difficult mothers have black belts in launching an offense as the best defense or playing the victim so you won’t hold her accountable. She’s been in training for this one her whole life.

What’s more, Before you know it- IT’S. ALL. ABOUT. HER…. AGAIN!

Here’s the other problem with deploying the “no contact” option right out of the gate.

After the anger subsides, and the amnesia of time washes over you, you are in danger of succumbing to the biggest boundary caving emotion of all- GUILT!  Especially for the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good” daughter, guilt has her in a vise grip. When the guilt sets in, I usually hear some variation of, “But she’s my MOTHER. She did the best she could. She didn’t let me starve. I’ll give her that. Besides, what would she do without me?  I can’t cut my own mother off, can I?”

BUT- let me tell you, feeling guilty and being guilty are two different things. You may feel guilty that you are destroying her life but only be guilty of wanting a healthy boundaried relationship.

You have to be prepared to not let her knock you off your game at the first sign of resistance.

Also, if you have some tenderness in your relationship with your Mom, guilt can swamp you and kill off your resolve as soon as you can say ” Mother May I?” Then, before you know it, you are back in the subservient position with Mom apologizing for upsetting her.

YUK! This was not exactly what you had in mind!

The truth is…. when you lay down any version of “this isn’t working for me ” it will cause some upset. Mom isn’t all of a sudden going to roll over and acquiesce. Nope, she is going to kick up a fuss of some kind- even if the fuss comes in the form of the silent treatment.

What is another approach?

An alternative (which may or may not lead up to no contact depending on Mom’s response)  is to set a boundary around something that is important to you but isn’t the biggest issue you have with Mom.  The key is to make sure it is something that is within your control.

5 examples of setting boundaries that are within your control.

  1. Telling Mom you aren’t ready/willing to share when she asks you something too personal.
  2. Returning Mom’s emails or phone calls on your schedule instead of hers.
  3. Telling Mom, right or wrong, you need to make your own adult decisions despite how she may feel about them.
  4. Telling Mom you are going to spend the holidays with your in-laws.
  5. Telling Mom you will have to agree to disagree on a political or religious issue.

What are the advantages of setting a boundary first – even if you ultimately go no contact down the road?

  • You can set a small (low emotional )boundary and expect and prepare for some push back. That way you can build the self-reliance muscle one small rep at a time.
  • You come from a place of thoughtful intention instead of defensive reaction.
  • Setting a boundary this way enhances your self-esteem and sense of sovereignty over your life.

*In this way you are signaling to Mom that you are taking charge of your life. You are the boss of you! Imagine that?  

Here’s a little-acknowledged secret- as powerless as you are used to feeling, you ultimately hold the power now that you are an adult.

What?????? That’s right. As an adult, you get to decide how much contact you have with your Mom. And here’s another little secret. Despite her actions, and sometimes because of them …deep down… she knows it too.

As a child, she had the power. As an adult, you hold the power. 

This is your first task. To realize and accept the full extent of your power. Her actions, no matter how misguided are designed to keep you from knowing this essential truth. Because when you realize it… she loses her hold on you.

Yes, it’s that simple.

So with that in mind-

Now you need to decide what is and is not okay with you, communicate it, and stick to your guns. 

That means, know what you plan to do if Mom crosses a line or exhibits a behavior you have decided is off-limits. Setting the limit doesn’t involve controlling her, but taking control of yourself. This is the key.

What would this look like?

Walk away, stop talking, end the phone conversation, ” Mom I’m going to hang up now”, ” Mom I’m not willing to talk about x with you anymore” ” Mom, I’ll let you know if I change my mind about x, disengage. These are choices that are within your power. It’s that simple and that hard but the effort is more internal than external.

Will Mom go along? I expect not!  When you set those expectations and communicate them most daughters say, “My mother won’t go for that.”

To that I say, of course, she won’t. If, you were to wait for mom to realize the error of her ways you might be waiting a lifetime.  Because mom has always called the shots in your relationship you assume that’s the way it will always be. 

In this healthier scenario, you aren’t asking her for permission, you are deciding for yourself the kind of adult relationship you want. 

Big difference. It’s time to take the reins of your own life. Having her in your life, or not, is your choice. You didn’t choose your mother but you can choose how you relate (or if you relate) to the mother you have.

Now let’s get down to the process that can get you there.

 3 mindest shifts to prepare- 

AWARENESS–  consider what it costs you when you abdicate your power to mom and let her call the shots. Are you going to live your life for your mother forever?

CONFIDENCE -find your voice and learn what stating your boundaries and limits sounds like, how to say it, and, what to say.

RESOLVE– steady yourself for the inevitable pushback you get when you set those boundaries. Did I say pushback? A tsunami of resistance would be more like it. You need to be emotionally prepared.

Will this be easy? Not on your life.

In fact, whether you get a minor tremor or a significant earthquake of resistance, is directly proportional to the level of dysfunction in your relationship. A healthy, balanced relationship involves both parties who consider each other’s interests and compromise.

While the resistance is undeniably upsetting, it also holds incredibly valuable information. When your reasonable request touches off explosive resistance, you know you have unearthed a landmine of dysfunction. And, you can’t deal with something you don’t know is there.

Then, depending on how mom responds- this is a great litmus test to see if Mom has defenses that are going to be problematic and unchangeable or if she can reverse course.

If you are clear and have internal resolve (admittedly a huge task), the rest will fall into place.

Not easily, or smoothly, but developing internal resolve is essential for your own healing whether or not your mother ever changes. By taking the upper hand, you have flipped the dynamics of the relationship. For the first part of your life, mom held the power. Now it’s your turn.

 

 

 

 

 

So, in summary – when you ask, “should I go no contact with my mother” remember –

Whether you go low contact, no contact, or “I’m taking a break for now” contact, if you have communicated your needs and limits, you can let her decide the level of contact by her actions and response. In effect you are saying, ” Mom here is where I stand,  you decide how you will show up in my life.” 

In this way, you take control of your life instead of hoping she will change.

*A Bonus-  you don’t have to shoulder all of the responsibility of deciding whether or not you and your mother have a relationship. With a wake-up call, mom may alter her approach. You don’t know until you try. Then, making the call about how much contact you want is based on real-life data.

One thing is for certain, hoping mom will change is not a strategy. Whatever her response, by exercising your power in this way, you build your confidence, and start living life on your own terms. 

And that is always a good place to start no matter where you end up!

 

To find out if you are trapped in the role of the good daughter go here.

Where are you in this?

Let me know in the comments.

 

 

 

 

Narcissistic, Borderline and Histrionic Personality Disorders All Have This In Common

by Katherine Fabrizio

(Narcissistic, Borderline and Histrionic Personality Disorders all have this in common)

You may know mom drives you crazy but you don’t exactly why acts the way she does.

 

All you know is that it hurts.

 

You may know she is narcissistic, borderline, or histrionic but you don’t know exactly why she has to be clingy, needy, or downright mean.  It’s as if there is something driving her to be this way.

 

Bingo!

You nailed it …there IS something driving her to be this way.

And it has been hidden from you.

 

That is, until now.

Let’s pull back the psychological curtain and see what is happening.

Take a look below-

 

If you prefer to read

Transcript

Speaker 1:    What does the narcissistic, borderline, and histrionic defense all have in common, if anything?   Why should we care?

In order to answer this question, we need to look back in childhood and understand that a mother who develops these personality disorders or has traits of one, or any of them, develops these set of defenses, and that’s what a diagnosis is, a set of defenses in order to counter a deficit.

Speaker 1:     When we look at a descriptor of narcissism. We’d say, “Oh, yeah, that’s my mother.”

That’s helpful for recognition, but it doesn’t really talk about or let us know exactly what these disorders are. They are like what a fever is to infection. A fever arises to fight off an infection, but the fever isn’t the streptococcus or the bacterial infection.

Speaker 1:  Moms who didn’t get what she needed in development develops this. She doesn’t choose to do so, but the psyche takes care of itself in that it develops a defense against knowing how scary it was to be that kid or empty it was to be that kid. These defenses, well, they work until they don’t work.

Speaker 1:    They work to keep mom unaware of this emptiness, of the terror of this emotional pain. When they become rigid enough that they’re what we call intractable and part of a personality it is her personality, but it may not be her essential self.

Speaker 1:            Can you change it? Probably not. Can you impact it? Maybe a little bit.

New Speaker:    All these disorders are on a spectrum- enough to merit a diagnosis or enough to have traits of it.

Some people ask if mom’s narcissistic or histrionic or borderline will I be too? I would say the main thing you need to know about that is that it requires some kind of reflection. If you’re reflective and you’re like, “Oh, that was kind of narcissistic response,” or had a borderline over the top reaction to something if you’re able to reflect chances are that that defense won’t calcify and you won’t be described as that person, although you were capable of acting, as we all are of acting a little bit off the grid every now and again.

Speaker 1:      It’s important to know what these defenses have in common is that they are a reaction to an original deficit.

The more you know the more free you become.

 

 

 

Why Does My Narcissistic Mother Lie To Me?

by Katherine Fabrizio

Why does my narcissistic mother lie?

While I can’t be exactly sure, I have a pretty good idea. Let’s start with some observations.

Sooner or later everyone tells a lie. In fact, over a lifetime, we all tell many lies. The narcissist, however, is a liar. It isn’t just what they do, it is who they are.

In my work with daughters of narcissistic mothers, daughters frequently can’t wrap their heads around why their mother would lie.  Needless to say, it hurts them and confuses them.

What’s the difference between a person who tells a lie and a liar?   

When confronted with the opportunity, to tell the truth, or tell a lie, most of us check in with our inner-selves to see if our answer feels right. This gut check is a calculation that happens automatically mostly at the unconscious level.

This is true even for liars… and if mom is narcissistic, this is true for her.

Thus, we all act in accordance with our sense of… who we know ourselves to be.

The three-year-old, mouth rimmed with chocolate, who declares with impunity she was NOT the one who ate the half-eaten candy bar, is given a pass because we all know intuitively she doesn’t have a fully formed sense of self.

Narcissism is a disorder of the self. It isn’t so much an undeveloped sense of self as it is an impaired/fragmented sense of self. A self-based on opportunism instead of values. Life is a game and they play to win.

What happens when otherwise good people tell a lie? 

Somewhere, somehow most people will lie. Given enough reason, fear or perceived gain, most of us will violate our sense of integrity, our internalized values. We make the calculation that an untruth is worth telling. If we aren’t a liar we feel bad, sometimes really bad.

We feel bad because who we know ourselves to be and our values don’t match up. This incongruence makes us uncomfortable. It costs us to lie.

What happens when a narcissist tells a lie?

The narcissistic calculation is a different algebraic equation.

A narcissistic mothers’ lie also comes from her sense of self. The difference is that her life has become a lie. 

 

When her life becomes a lie, her lying is different. Different because her sense of self is different. The lie is not inconsistent with her sense of self. For her, the lie is a necessity to preserve what she regards as a self.

That self, however, is a set of defenses, not internalized values. That set of defenses stand as armed guards against a horrible cauldron of self-loathing of which she is mostly unaware. And, her defenses keep her unaware of the emotional pain that would otherwise swallow her up, or so she believes.

The secrets, the layers of lies, become a fragile house of cards. The self she has built from those lies can easily cave in on itself under the weight of truth.

Her lying is an act of desperation.

The narcissistic mother is operating from a place of defense all of the time. The lie is more a PR stunt, a marketing ploy rather than a cohesive integrated set of values. mom’s narcissistic personality is more of a storefront designed to hide that there isn’t any there, there. She can’t ever let down their guard and let anyone in.

There is no true capacity for intimacy. She can’t invite you into the store because the store is full of empty discarded garbage. She wants you to buy the fiction that the storefront is so dazzling you wouldn’t need to come inside. “Nothing to see here…move along”. She may have tons of acquaintances, be the life of the party but no one knows the whole story.  There will be gaps in her stories and in her life.

She is marketing a self she wants you to believe. She needs you to believe the storefront is the store. These days that can manifest as a carefully curated Facebook page or Instagram Feed. If she is convincing enough to others then maybe, just maybe they can believe it too. She doesn’t experience it as manipulation or lying, not exactly… she feels it is necessary for survival, psychological survival.

What you don’t see – true humility and remorse for mistakes made. That takes self-reflection and honesty.  If you look more closely and you will see she takes no ownership in her struggles.

What she says about her lies.

“I had to lie. You see circumstances were such it only made sense for me to lie. External conditions forced me to lie- I would be stupid not to.” What they are not saying is that their lie is an outgrowth of internal conditions or that it violated their values. There is no accountability for lying.

“The other person is so ridiculous/stupid/unreasonable they left me with no other choice. “ They put the responsibility for lying on the other person. “They made me do it.” Again you see the lack of accountability coupled with the denigration of the other.

“I am protecting someone by lying to them.” If they knew the truth it would hurt them. Not that everyone needs to know every thought or fact about our lives. However, the narcissistic mother will mislead, omit or outright lie about huge aspects of her life and tell herself she is protecting people, not hurting them.

All of these excuses reflect an impoverished and distorted sense of self.  Paradoxically she isn’t lying… not exactly, she is speaking the truth of who she is.

It is confusing and damaging to have a mother who is distorting reality to you when she is the one you look to- to interpret reality.

  • It bears saying that the fractured abusive childhoods that create the need for this level of narcissistic defense imprison their victims in lives that are hard if not near impossible to heal from. When a person lies as a manner, of course, they not only do relational violence to others, tragically, they do it to themselves. 

Wondering if you are in the role of the Good Daughter of a narcissistic mother? Take the quiz – it’s free.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Teenaged Daughter -The Story of How I Let You Go And What I Learned 

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

 

 

 

The heartbreak and gift of letting your daughter go

Dear Teenaged Daughter,

(written 10 years ago) 

You have that far away look in your eyes now. Home isn’t the center of your universe.

I knew it would be this way. I just didn’t know how much it would hurt.

That open face in the photo I have of you as a toddler, so eager and trusting of me- where did she go? Where did you go?

Yet, I reflect… my own mother struggled with letting me go, and I swore I’d do better. I just didn’t know it would hurt so much.

Now, made-up eyes and a knockout figure, you look down your pretty nose and smirk at the rest of us as though we were clueless trolls. I mispronounce the name of your favorite clothing store and you shudder visibly in disgust.

Even your compliments have a patronizing air.

Yesterday, the universe threw me a small crumb.

Watching TV in my bed, you were exhausted, and, uncharacteristically, fell asleep in my arms. It reminded me of when you were a baby and I’d let my arm go numb rather than move it and disturb your sleep. I thought to myself, if this is the last time I hold you, I dare not move.

I know I can’t make it “all better” anymore- but maybe you could just rest awhile in mommy’s arms.

Without words, lectures, questions, opinions between us, I hear your strong heartbeat; your breathing slow, your warm body loses its resistance and melts into mine. Yes, just like when you were little before you could talk.

Before we let the words-opinions-lectures get in the way. Before you found me out to be the imperfect being that I am.

Once upon a time, I was the mommy who made it all better, not the mommy who gets it all wrong.

Your need conjured my milk, my love, my comfort…

You awakened my inner movie star. I had, at long last, been discovered. I sang you show tunes and we danced. You squealed with delight. When you were hungry, I nursed you. When you were tired or cranky, I rocked you to sleep. You took naps in my arms and full-time residence in my heart.

You accepted me in ways I couldn’t accept myself. Now you reject me in ways I don’t understand.

So, little girl, rest your pretty head on my shoulder. Take a break from your hurry to grow up, your hurry to leave. I think I’ll take a break from trying to improve, cajole, and advise you.

Remember the perfection we had without even trying- before you found out you would have to leave. Before I started worrying if you have everything you need.

This may not be the last time I hold you close, but I know there will be a last time.

The train is coming for you and you are packing your bags. You have a one-way ticket.

Each time you leave the house you never return completely. Home is becoming more of a layover, instead of the destination, it is for the rest of us.

I know you need to make a home inside of yourself, and your dreams the destination. This, I know, is the only way.

Still, it hurts.

So let me hold you and we can remember a time when I had everything you needed, our perfection restored. We can both pretend we don’t hear that whistle calling you, and my heart isn’t on that track.

 (10 years later)-

More than a decade has passed and we are sharing a glass of wine in the home you now make with your husband, almost 3-year old daughter, and infant son.

We made it to the other side. Because you were brave enough to leave and I found the strength to let you go.

What looked only like a loss to me then… looks different to me now.

With a tender heart, I watch your 3-year old daughter load up her stroller with baby dolls and announce she is going to “work”.

Although I say nothing, I hear that haunting train whistle in the distance-the whistle that will call your precious daughter into her own life. I know what’s coming….who will leave, and whose heart will be on that track.

When the time comes, I hope to once again hold your hand and wipe your tears. 

I have faith you will find the strength to set her free. Finding that strength inside of yourself, you will give her the gift you never wanted to give and it will break your heart.

Yet, you will see mothers who can’t let go; cripple their daughters, and steal their daughter’s chance of claiming a life they could call their own.  

You will know the price those daughters pay is much too high.

So, without martyrdom, but with strength, you will do what needs to be done. And, you will be better for it. Fashioned from the pieces of your broken heart, you will acquire an expanded heart-one of compassion, wisdom, and grace.

• The compassion of a mother who knows her daughter’s dreams for herself is more important than the dreams she has for her daughter.

• The wisdom of a mother who sees the need her daughter has to do it her way, not as a rejection of her but a declaration of herself.

• The grace of a mother who knows a heart chained is a heart that is never truly hers, but the one she sets free can be hers forever.

Then and only then will you know this: Of the many gifts you will give your daughter, after loving her, the gift of letting her go is the hardest gift and the greatest gift you have to give her.

Do you suffer from the Good daughter syndrome? Take the quiz here, it’s free.

 

 

Why Daughters of Narcissistic/Difficult Mothers Mistake Anxiety For Love

by Katherine Fabrizio

The empathetic, sensitive daughter of the narcissistic or otherwise difficult mother… never learns what love really looks like.

The lessons she learns about love cause her to mistake anxiety for love.

(*disclaimer- this will apply in varying degrees to each individual- see what is applicable for you)

How does this happen?

Because mom is your primary attachment figure (read, your first love) the way you learned to love is your template for love. Biologically we are primed for attachment. In this extended state of dependency, we are one big love machine. Because we can’t feed ourselves, walk or talk on our own for almost a year, we literally can’t survive without a mothering (or caregiving) presence.

Babies are cute for a reason, an evolutionary reason. Mother nature ensures our survival by making us irresistibly cute and undeniably taken with our primary caregiver. We are in fact wired to love the one we are with. So baby ( that would be you) is going to make the best of it… with all she’s got.

Mother nature has her way

One of the brain’s primary functions at this stage is to bond…which is to fall deeply and completely in love.  Your first meal was at Mom’s breast or the bottle while gazing into her eyes. Your first bed was found in her arms. The voice you first heard was hers in utero, and then later cooing you to sleep.

Home to you was wherever mom was. The nest she created, your room, and the house you grew up in was an extension of mom. The way the kitchen smelled when she cooked your favorite food…. her perfume, the touch of the blanket or teddy bear that she gave you- all an extension of mom.

What happens if mom is depressed, narcissistic or borderline?

You may have looked into your mother’s eyes only to find emptiness rather than delight. If she was fighting off anxiety, she might have been unable to be present in a way that soothed you.  Perhaps your needs overwhelmed her. Not because you were too much but because she felt inadequate as a mother.

If she was unable to self-regulate, she was unable to be a soothing presence for you.

Did she have enough food? Was your father out drinking and she jumped every time she heard a police siren or the phone ring? Perhaps brother or sister was challenging to handle and distracted mom so much that you lost her loving attention. Or she was unmothered herself… to such an extent that she just didn’t have it in her to give to you.

As the good, attuned, empathetic daughter you did more than your fair share of the emotional work to make the relationship work- especially if mom was psychologically impaired.

When you fall in love-

When you fall for that beautiful boy, that handsome rouge or that irresistible same-sex partner your attachment systems go all out. The same system that activated to ensure your survival is now activated to make sure you pair bond and reproduce.

Mother nature wants what she wants. She doesn’t care if he or she is right or wrong for you. Indiscriminately, all attachment systems are set on go.

Mother nature is having her way with you.

This is why the whites of the eyes show as lovers gaze at each other. The pupils dilate, and the heart pounds. You call each other baby. You coo and feed each other, hold and caress. Simply gazing into each other’s eyes can cause a cascade of feel-good hormones.

This template etched in your unconscious is the operating system running the show.  The script from which you speak is what you unconsciously bring into your relationships. Mother nature is trying to ensure your next meal and protection from the elements, and your brain is calling it love!

What happens when you meet the not so nice guy or gal.

Because of this unconscious template, when you are dropped, ignored or dissed by your romantic interest you automatically feel… it is your fault.

This isn’t true, but your faulty attachment system is telling you it is true.

How did you get so unlucky?

While some people (who have a different attachment template) might avoid or disengage when faced with an unavailable or not so nice partner, this isn’t you. You love, love, love, a project. You go all out as if your life depended on making this relationship work.

What was once rooted in your childhood experience is now buried deep in your unconscious brain telling you dangerous lies.

How do you experience it consciously?

You might misinterpret your anxiety as butterflies… telling you this is the one instead of telling you the more appropriate message- run for the hills.

You feel on a deep primal preverbal level that your very lovability is in question. And associated with this is your very survival. When you don’t feel the attention or love from the other in a dependable, consistent way, you feel anxiety.

Your attachment system makes you an addict in need of a fix of attention.

You lose sight of considering whether the other person is a suitable partner. We joke and say you lose your mind. But this is true.  You look for ways to keep the “other’s” attention. Instead of looking out for yourself, you work to elicit signs of their affection &/or caretaking from the other.

And you start to confuse anxiety with love-

This can be a slippery slope anxiously working to keep the other person’s attention. Do it enough, and you only reinforce the idea that you are in love. Before you know it, love hurts.

What you call it love, is in fact, primarily anxious bonding from an insecure attachment.

While the baby in you trying to ensure survival, the good daughter in you is working too hard and settling for more she should.

*You aren’t doomed and you aren’t broken. You deserve to be loved and give love. If you find yourself trapped in a pattern of mistaking anxiety for love know it isn’t your fault. Healing begins with awareness.

To find out if you are caught in the good daughter trap go here.

Because mom is your primary attachment figure (read, your first love) the way you learned to love is your template for love. Click To Tweet If you find yourself trapped in a pattern of mistaking anxiety for love know it isn't your fault. Healing begins with awareness. Click To Tweet You might misinterpret your anxiety as butterflies... telling you this is the one instead of telling you the more appropriate message- run for the hills. Click To Tweet

 

Helicopter Mom Or Covert Narcissist ? Here’s A Fool-Proof Way To Tell

by Katherine Fabrizio

Is Mom a helicopter, overly involved mother…or does she suffer from covert narcissism?

Mom knows best! Mom to the rescue! Mom is always right! Right? Humm.. the culture stands back and cheers, loudly! But where does good intention end and overreach begin? A closer look at the covert narcissistic mother would show you this mother micromanages her daughter’s every move.  She pushes for perfection in her relentless pursuit to orchestrate her daughter’s successes and her parenting glory.

What’s wrong with that you might ask? Doesn’t every mother want what’s best for her daughter? The problem is…this level of involvement isn’t necessarily best for her daughter. While the culture sees her as a saint, the perfect mom, the psychological truth is … this Mom is appropriating her daughter. Mom is living through her daughter rather than letting her daughter live. 

Unlike the braggadocious narcissistic male counterpart, the covert narcissistic mother gathers up her narcissistic supplies in more underground, covert ways. Attuned to social expectations, she uses her position as a doting mother & super mom as cover.

These mothers involve themselves in their daughter’s every decision—so involved, in fact, that their daughters are not allowed to make decisions on their own. This level of intimacy between mother and daughter may be seen by many as, “all good.”

“Look, they are so close. She tells her mother everything. They are just alike. “

However, a more careful look reveals a destructive dynamic.  Mom’s needs for relevance is met at the expense of her daughter’s need for independence and self-sufficiency. The apparent closeness of the mother-daughter relationship can obscure the reality of the situation—Mom is relying on her daughter in ways that are unhealthy.

Does the covertly narcissistic mother know what she is doing? I would say, rarely, if ever. It depends on the level of narcissism.  On the extreme end, (enough to qualify for NPD) Mom feels compelled, driven in fact, to pour herself into her daughter’s life without possessing the reflective capacity to see the negative effects of doing so.

The narcissistic defense renders her emotionally blind to what she is doing to her daughter.  In this case, the needs of the mother, not the daughter, are the central driving force in the relationship.

If, on the other hand, she only has traits of covert narcissism (and what mother doesn’t, hand raised) mom can step back and consider if her involvement benefits her daughter. She enjoys her daughter’s successes and her part in them, but she doesn’t need it for emotional survival.

 One thing is for certain. The daughter feels it, especially the daughter trapped in the role of the “good” daughter.T he daughter feels the difference between having a mother who is a bit over involved and a mother who is a covert narcissist. She can feel it on a gut level.

If you are the daughter, try this exercise-

 Imagine telling your mother “No”.

“No, it isn’t a good time to talk.”

“No, I don’t like the dress you picked out for me. It isn’t my style.”

No, I won’t be spending Thanksgiving day with you. We will be at my in-laws. “

Does this feel mildly awkward or do you respond with, “OMG I could never say that”? Why? What makes the difference in how you respond? The daughter of the covert narcissist bumps up against an unconscious taboo she didn’t know was there. The taboo has such force; she will do anything to avoid it-including sabotaging her own happiness.

And, what is this taboo? She can’t, mustn’t, shouldn’t… reject Mom. Why? Mom’s psyche can’t handle it.

 What’s going on here- 

Mom’s insecurity is the central reason for her narcissism. The narcissistic defense is standing guard at the edge of a bottomless pit of mom’s need and feelings of worthlessness. That’s why mom can’t withstand rejection. Rejection threatens to push her over the psychological edge. Any hint of rejection is met with a steely look, tone of voice, or a stony silence that can last for days.

The attuned empathetic daughter in the role of the “good daughter”  carries this burdensome knowledge around in her psyche and her body. She can’t unknow what she knows.

Her attunement to mom locks her into an impossible dilemma. She is faced with the choice, take care of mom or take care of herself. In this way, what’s good for mom can be very bad for her daughter. Many mothers today feel enormous pressure to over-involve themselves in their daughters’ lives. This involvement doesn’t have to end in dysfunction. However, the mothers who can’t let go when the time comes are at risk for hurting their daughters. The daughters most attuned to mom and her needs are at risk of getting stuck in the “good” daughter role and suffering from what I call the Good daughter Syndrome.

Find out if you are suffering from the “Good” daughter Syndrome here.

There is a way out and a way home to yourself.

But first, you need to know what you are dealing with. Awareness is power. Get yours. 

 

 

 

 

This Is How Mom Became Narcissistic- What She Didn’t Get in Childhood

by Katherine Fabrizio

Mom just can’t take criticism.

Regardless of how carefully you put your complaint, mom can’t admit any wrongdoing. No matter what you say, she always has a comeback. Does she think she is untouchable or perfect? That would be an easy answer, but you know, that’s not it the whole story.

Despite what looks like arrogance on the outside, you know she is an unhappy person on the inside. There’s a hard shell, an armor she can’t let anyone see beneath. You care about mom and you wonder if there something psychologically wrong with her?

She desperately needs for everything to look perfect on the outside. What’s more, she needs for you to look perfect. That’s why… what you do is never good enough for her. Underneath it all, she doesn’t feel good enough about herself. As a result, she needs for you to look good to make her look good.

The technical word for this is “narcissistic extension.” She relates to you as if you were an extension of her. You are like her right arm. In this way, she owns you, uses you, and doesn’t regard you as separate from her. If you are the daughter trapped in the “good daughter” role, you may suffer from the good daughter syndrome.

So, what happened to mom to make her this way? You may have long suspected mom has NPD or is at least is high in Narcissistic traits. You may wonder what happened to mom in her childhood to make her develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder or have traits of the disorder.

  • I think it is possible to have great distain for the destructive effects of these narcissistic defenses that hurt you as a daughter while holding in your mind that mom has been hurt too. 

I discuss in this video what it was mom didn’t get in her childhood (that every child needs) to cause her to be narcissistic.

 

Transcript

A mother who is narcissistic or has narcissistic traits is someone who didn’t get what we call narcissistic supplies where they were little. What we mean by that is that when children are very little, if all goes well, they get the idea that their very being brings at least one person delight. We all need this. Whether there are words of praise, whether there’s just the glimmer in Mom’s eyes and the delight that when baby looks back up at Mom, that enough of the time, not all the time, but enough of the time, what baby sees mirrored back is delight. It’s preverbal at first. There are just coos and wonderful words, but what the baby takes in is an idea that their very present presence brings another person delight. If they do not get this, they do not get enough narcissistic supplies, then what can happen is they can spend the rest of their lives trying to get that special feeling, which leads to all kinds of narcissistic defenses, which I’ll talk about in another video.

In summary –

Narcissistic mothers didn’t get what they needed in childhood. From that original deficit, destructive psychological consequences can follow. Specifically, the defenses that help her survive emotional wounding, damage the ways she relates to herself and others.

It is this core deficit that can set in motion a relentless quest to make up for good feelings later in life. The narcissistic mother can never feel special enough. This quest is off-putting, manipulative and destructive to her subsequent relationships.

Those around her can be sucked into the bottomless pit of her need for affirmation. The final irony is that she can’t take in the affirmation she demands, and appropriates from others. It is like a bucket with a hole in it. No matter how much she gets filled up -she empties out at a faster rate.

At the narcissistic core is an untouchable emptiness. Attuned daughters feel this.

What is important to remember is this- You didn’t cause your mothers narcissism, and you can’t cure it. You can have compassion for her while not being sucked into the vortex of her need for control and affirmation.

You can and should stand up for yourself, find your voice and claim your own life. Once you truly grasp an understanding of her narcissism, you can learn to take care of yourself and live your life on your own terms.

The way to stop this cycle is first, to understand.

To find out if you suffer from the good daughter syndrome – go here.

 

 

Moms Who Cling to Their Daughters: The Destructive Effects

by Katherine Fabrizio

( Moms who cling to their daughter)

When Mom clings to her daughter and stops looking for closeness with her husband… she sets a dysfunctional destructive cycle in motion. 

This destructive dynamic happens all too easily. Dad says something clueless or in mom’s view, thoughtless, and a knowing glance towards her daughter is followed by an EYEROLL. Before you know it, mom and daughter have a repertoire of jokes, mutual understandings and you guessed it -a  closer relationship than her parents have with each other.

This dynamic originally makes Mom feel affirmed and her daughter enjoys a free ticket into the adult world of relating. A ticket, I would argue that does more harm than good. Because the daughter isn’t developmentally equipped to handle the adult realm of an emotional partnership (and shouldn’t be), the partnership she has with mom is by definition, one-sided. It is not the partnership of equals.

If this dynamic continues, what happens?

Over time an implicit familial agreement solidifies; a daughter is the only one who “gets mom” and therefore she feels the pressure to see that mom’s emotional needs are met. More times than not her parent’s marriage grows stale and the daughter is trapped in a dynamic that holds her back from following her own developmental trajectory- the role of the “good” daughter. All may look picture perfect on the outside, no divorce, a father in the home and mother/daughter closeness-

What could be wrong with that?

In this case, just about everything.

The beautiful family Holiday card hides a dysfunctional secret. Mom and dad’s marriage is dead on the vine and the attuned daughter trapped in the role of the good daughter is sacrificing her normal striving for independence. In this stifling environment, nothing healthy grows. 

Conversely, in a healthy family environment, the parents are attending to each other’s needs well enough so that the children are free to develop, differentiate and eventually set off on their own. In this darker dysfunctional scenario, the daughter is trapped in an impossible dilemma. Because she is attuned to mom and knows her moods like the back of her hand, she feels it is her job to take emotional care of mom.

Because of this clinging, the daughter may feel she can’t leave mom. She may be unaware of feeling guilty and unconsciously sabotage her own attempts at growing up. At the unconscious level, the daughter may feel that in growing up she is betraying mom.

Anxiety, depression, or eating disorders may have at their psychological core a daughter who doesn’t feel she has permission to grow up and away from mom. Like a Chinese finger trap, the grip only tightens when she tries to get free. Attempts to differentiate bring on guilt that constricts and suffocates.

How does this dynamic play out?

When the daughter does dare try and pull away from mom, mom grows more and more controlling. Mom can’t let go. What are normally tense times around boys, makeup, and clothing choices become full-out Amagedon battles to the death- the death of the daughter’s independence. Mom becomes ultra-critical of her daughter.

What underlies this criticism? It isn’t that her daughter is doing anything (necessarily) wrong, the ultra criticalness stems from mom’s realization her daughter is growing up and away from her. This is confusing and unfair for her daughter who doesn’t understand why she is suddenly coming under fire. In response to mom’s hyper control, daughters frequently respond in one of two ways;

1)  They buckle under, lose their quest for independence and often times with it their thirst for life.  They turn in on themselves in destructive ways. Depression, cutting, eating and anxiety disorders are all ways girls turn the rage they feel in on themselves.

2) Alternatively, they meet fire with fire, control with counter control and wage all-out defiance of their mother’s control- Alcohol and drug abuse, promiscuity or random rule-breaking. In a perfect dysfunctional storm, they express their rage in a way that will cause them to feel shame and guilt, resulting in a return to mother “who knows best”.

Often times, parentified daughters go underground and hide their acting out behaviors. They continue to feel ashamed of themselves and don’t have a full understanding of their actions.

Because of the built-up rage at having been unfairly handed a role that wasn’t their’s, to begin with, coupled with crippling guilt at betraying mom, some daughters act out in ways that express that rage while making them feel bad about themselves. A perfect storm of enmeshment, rage, guilt, and betrayal results in a cycle that ends with the daughters return to her partnership with mom. Neither response, either internalizing the battle or throwing themselves into an external battle help them gain an independence they can feel good about

 

What happens when the parentified daughter has her own daughter? Both the complacent daughter and the former rebel are likely to return to the fold without having fully established themselves as separate adults. Life may feel bleached of its vibrancy and the adult good daughter may not know why.

If mom stays at the center of her emotional life her adult daughter will have a hard time establishing and maintaining a full sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with her adult partner. Sadly, without awareness, she will also have difficulty letting her daughter fly guilt-free into her own life. Yet, with awareness and hard work, the cycle can be broken.

It is never too late to live fully into your own life.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

 

When Mom clings to her daughter and stops looking for closeness with her husband... she sets a dysfunctional destructive cycle into motion. Click To Tweet Anxiety, depression, or eating disorders can have at their psychological core a daughter who doesn't feel she has permission to grow up and away from mom. Click To Tweet When a daughter is attuned to mom and knows her moods like the back of her hand, she may feel it is her job to take emotional care of mom. Click To Tweet If mom stays at the center of her emotional life her adult daughter will have a hard time establishing and maintaining a full sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with her adult partner. Click To Tweet When daughters are parentified, both the complacent daughter and the former rebel are likely to return to the fold without having fully established themselves as separate adults. Click To Tweet A perfect dysfunctional storm of enmeshment, rage, guilt, and betrayal can result in daughter's return to her partnership with mom without having established a healthy independence. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

When Mom Looks to Her Daughter To Be Her Emotional Partner- Why Maternal Parentification Is a Problem

by Katherine Fabrizio

( Here is what maternal parentification looks like) 

“Help, my Mother won’t let go- Mom calls me many times a day and I  don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can.I know this hurts her feelings but what she doesn’t realize is this – “I am swamped with guilt,  I feel suffocated and resentful. Where did I sign on to be her emotional partner? I wish she would let me live my own life. “

As a psychotherapist for over 30 years, I have heard this more times than I can count. 

Daughters who just want the space to live their own lives without mom’s emotional clinging.

The reason for mom’s over-involvement range from full-blown personality disorder to differing cultural expectations. If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline or Addicted her attuned daughter may be trapped in the role of the good daughter.  She takes on an emotional burden that was never supposed to be hers.

How does this happen?

Sometimes mom is divorced and hasn’t successfully recoupled. Other times mom has checked out of her relationship with her husband and has a long-standing pattern of looking to her daughter for emotional support. Either way- When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary partner, instead of their partner or peer this interferes with their daughter’s emotional growth. This makes her daughter feel guilty for growing up and leaving home.

Looking to daughters for this level of closeness is called parentification and holds daughters back from living their lives. 

When mom has serious psychological difficulties, this difficult dynamic is put on steroids! Mom goes nuclear if she detects her daughter is pulling away. Using epic levels of guilt, the disturbed mother will stop at nothing to bring her daughter back into her realm of influence.

The unspoken rule is this- the daughter is responsible for mom’s emotional well-being. 

Letting go of your daughter will break your heart and is the most important gift you can give her. I should know.

Either way, these daughters end up feeling a debilitating guilt for their natural strivings for independence. If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped inside of an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of making a healthy separation for herself. This is very unhealthy for her daughter.

To find out if you are in the role of the “good” daughter – go here.

 

 

 

Here’s Why You Can’t “Make” Mom Happy – Although You Can Waste A Lifetime Trying

by Katherine Fabrizio

When you look back do you realize how much of your life you have tried to make mom feel better about herself?

Before you realized it was an impossible thankless job, did you spent much of your childhood being good for mom so mom would be happy?

You didn’t, couldn’t, realize it was a trap.

It didn’t work. It never works.

Before you grew up and started feeling the yearnings to live your own life you spent much of your time trying to make mom happy. Working to be good enough and get mom’s approval was a central motivator in your life.

If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Am I right?

 

 

Now as an adult, you might feel pretty angry about all the wasted effort.

Even if she is demanding, intrusive and entitled, underneath it all you could always tell mom was/is an unhappy person. She didn’t feel good about herself.

Despite playing the role of the Good Daughter, the deep insecurity that is at mom’s core is always driving mom.

When mom has a full-blown personality disorder, Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic  ( here is how to tell) you never had a chance.

You couldn’t get through the impenetrable wall that lets no light in and no light out. This is the nature of a defense.

If mom has traits of these disorders, is addicted or is buried under cultural oppression the effect on you can be much the same.

Perhaps you wore a mask and worked hard to present the perfect image so mom could be proud of you.  The only problem is this – you were suffocating inside and it never really worked.

You wonder what keeps mom from taking in any good feeling? Why did mom remain critical and demanding?

Why is it impossible to fill her up no matter how hard you try.

That emptiness that threatens to swallow both of you, the impenetrable wall is behind the defense I am talking about.

Take a look below.  This may help.

 

 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 00:02 So you might say to yourself, you know, I love, mom,  why can’t she take that love in and feel it? Why can’t that cure her narcissism?

Speaker: 00:19 The answer lies in these two words, Narcissistic Defense; because the defense is a costume that you wear to yourself to keep you unaware of what you’re really feeling at the core.Speaker: 00:29 So this is, this is just the paradox of like you know, we hear it with movie stars and stuff, they have plenty of Oscars and, and gorgeous red carpet looks and they’re touted as brilliant. and then we find out they feel like nothing.

Speaker: 00:44 It’s because when something is defended against when a feeling is so awful that there is a defense, think about defense against being in touch with that feeling. Then the feeling never gets touched.

Speaker: 01:00 There are not enough special accolades, awards or complements that really fill that person up because it’s kind of apples and oranges. You’re itching here and you scratch here, right?

Speaker: 01:15 So it’s, it’s so complicated and difficult, to understand that the person who has a narcissistic defense is not settled.

Speaker: 01:27 They’re not happy. They may be very opportunistic, they may be glowing and performing and look like they have it all, but underneath it all there main psychological energy is to keep way feeling nothing, feeling like nothing to not fall into the abyss of emptiness.

Postscript-

So you see- you really can’t make mom happy.

You can dance to her tune, jump when she says jump and meet all of her demands, but you can’t make her happy.

Happiness is an inside job. Her defenses keep you on the outside.

Letting this sink in can be both a relief and a frustration.

But…

Understanding the nature of defenses can ultimately set you free.

You can stop trying to do the impossible.

You can learn to set boundaries without being swamped with guilt, put limits on your time and energy so you can live your own life.

Here is a script to help you out.

And here’s a meditation to soothe your conscious and unconscious mind.

I’ve got you covered. You can do this.

To find out if you suffer from the “good” daughter syndrome go here–

Tweet it out. Raise Awareness. Break the cycle!

You can't make your unhappy mother happy, but you can waste a lifetime trying. Click To Tweet Did you spent much of your childhood trying to make mom happy? Click To Tweet Did you wear a mask and work hard to present the perfect image so mom could be proud of you... thinking that would make her happy? Many a daughter, trapped in the role of good daughter has done just that Click To Tweet So you see- you really can't make mom happy. You can dance to her tune, jump when she says jump and meet all of her demands, but you can't make her happy. Click To Tweet Happiness is an inside job. A difficult/Narcissistic mother's psychological defenses keep you on the outside. Click To Tweet Once Click To Tweet If at the core of your mother's unhappiness is her insecurity and try as you might, you can't change that. Click To Tweet Ironically, mom's Narcissistic defenses prevent her from taking in what she needs to feel truly good about herself. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

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