Daughters Rising

Dear Teenaged Daughter -The Story of How I Let You Go And What I Learned 

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The heartbreak and gift of letting your daughter go

Dear Teenaged Daughter,

(written 10 years ago) 

You have that far away look in your eyes now. Home isn’t the center of your universe.

I knew it would be this way. I just didn’t know how much it would hurt.

That open face in the photo I have of you as a toddler, so eager and trusting of me- where did she go? Where did you go?

Yet, I reflect… my own mother struggled with letting me go, and I swore I’d do better. I just didn’t know it would hurt so much.

Now, made-up eyes and a knockout figure, you look down your pretty nose and smirk at the rest of us as though we were clueless trolls. I mispronounce the name of your favorite clothing store and you shudder visibly in disgust.

Even your compliments have a patronizing air.

Yesterday, the universe threw me a small crumb.

Watching TV in my bed, you were exhausted, and, uncharacteristically, fell asleep in my arms. It reminded me of when you were a baby and I’d let my arm go numb rather than move it and disturb your sleep. I thought to myself, if this is the last time I hold you, I dare not move.

I know I can’t make it “all better” anymore- but maybe you could just rest awhile in mommy’s arms.

Without words, lectures, questions, opinions between us, I hear your strong heartbeat; your breathing slow, your warm body loses its resistance and melts into mine. Yes, just like when you were little before you could talk.

Before we let the words-opinions-lectures get in the way. Before you found me out to be the imperfect being that I am.

Once upon a time, I was the mommy who made it all better, not the mommy who gets it all wrong.

Your need conjured my milk, my love, my comfort…

You awakened my inner movie star. I had, at long last, been discovered. I sang you show tunes and we danced. You squealed with delight. When you were hungry, I nursed you. When you were tired or cranky, I rocked you to sleep. You took naps in my arms and full-time residence in my heart.

You accepted me in ways I couldn’t accept myself. Now you reject me in ways I don’t understand.

So, little girl, rest your pretty head on my shoulder. Take a break from your hurry to grow up, your hurry to leave. I think I’ll take a break from trying to improve, cajole, and advise you.

Remember the perfection we had without even trying- before you found out you would have to leave. Before I started worrying if you have everything you need.

This may not be the last time I hold you close, but I know there will be a last time.

The train is coming for you and you are packing your bags. You have a one-way ticket.

Each time you leave the house you never return completely. Home is becoming more of a layover, instead of the destination, it is for the rest of us.

I know you need to make a home inside of yourself, and your dreams the destination. This, I know, is the only way.

Still, it hurts.

So let me hold you and we can remember a time when I had everything you needed, our perfection restored. We can both pretend we don’t hear that whistle calling you, and my heart isn’t on that track.

 (10 years later)-

More than a decade has passed and we are sharing a glass of wine in the home you now make with your husband, almost 3-year old daughter, and infant son.

We made it to the other side. Because you were brave enough to leave and I found the strength to let you go.

What looked only like a loss to me then… looks different to me now.

With a tender heart, I watch your 3-year old daughter load up her stroller with baby dolls and announce she is going to “work”.

Although I say nothing, I hear that haunting train whistle in the distance-the whistle that will call your precious daughter into her own life. I know what’s coming….who will leave, and whose heart will be on that track.

When the time comes, I hope to once again hold your hand and wipe your tears. 

I have faith you will find the strength to set her free. Finding that strength inside of yourself, you will give her the gift you never wanted to give and it will break your heart.

Yet, you will see mothers who can’t let go; cripple their daughters, and steal their daughter’s chance of claiming a life they could call their own.  

You will know the price those daughters pay is much too high.

So, without martyrdom, but with strength, you will do what needs to be done. And, you will be better for it. Fashioned from the pieces of your broken heart, you will acquire an expanded heart-one of compassion, wisdom, and grace.

• The compassion of a mother who knows her daughter’s dreams for herself is more important than the dreams she has for her daughter.

• The wisdom of a mother who sees the need her daughter has to do it her way, not as a rejection of her but a declaration of herself.

• The grace of a mother who knows a heart chained is a heart that is never truly hers, but the one she sets free can be hers forever.

Then and only then will you know this: Of the many gifts you will give your daughter, after loving her, the gift of letting her go is the hardest gift and the greatest gift you have to give her.

Do you suffer from the Good daughter syndrome? Take the quiz here, it’s free.

 

 

Why Daughters of Narcissistic/Difficult Mothers Mistake Anxiety For Love

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The empathetic, sensitive daughter of the narcissistic or otherwise difficult mother… never learns what love really looks like.

The lessons she learns about love cause her to mistake anxiety for love.

(*disclaimer- this will apply in varying degrees to each individual- see what is applicable for you)

How does this happen?

Because mom is your primary attachment figure (read, your first love) the way you learned to love is your template for love. Biologically we are primed for attachment. In this extended state of dependency, we are one big love machine. Because we can’t feed ourselves, walk or talk on our own for almost a year, we literally can’t survive without a mothering (or caregiving) presence.

Babies are cute for a reason, an evolutionary reason. Mother nature ensures our survival by making us irresistibly cute and undeniably taken with our primary caregiver. We are in fact wired to love the one we are with. So baby ( that would be you) is going to make the best of it… with all she’s got.

Mother nature has her way

One of the brain’s primary functions at this stage is to bond…which is to fall deeply and completely in love.  Your first meal was at Mom’s breast or the bottle while gazing into her eyes. Your first bed was found in her arms. The voice you first heard was hers in utero, and then later cooing you to sleep.

Home to you was wherever mom was. The nest she created, your room, and the house you grew up in was an extension of mom. The way the kitchen smelled when she cooked your favorite food…. her perfume, the touch of the blanket or teddy bear that she gave you- all an extension of mom.

What happens if mom is depressed, narcissistic or borderline?

You may have looked into your mother’s eyes only to find emptiness rather than delight. If she was fighting off anxiety, she might have been unable to be present in a way that soothed you.  Perhaps your needs overwhelmed her. Not because you were too much but because she felt inadequate as a mother.

If she was unable to self-regulate, she was unable to be a soothing presence for you.

Did she have enough food? Was your father out drinking and she jumped every time she heard a police siren or the phone ring? Perhaps brother or sister was challenging to handle and distracted mom so much that you lost her loving attention. Or she was unmothered herself… to such an extent that she just didn’t have it in her to give to you.

As the good, attuned, empathetic daughter you did more than your fair share of the emotional work to make the relationship work- especially if mom was psychologically impaired.

When you fall in love-

When you fall for that beautiful boy, that handsome rouge or that irresistible same-sex partner your attachment systems go all out. The same system that activated to ensure your survival is now activated to make sure you pair bond and reproduce.

Mother nature wants what she wants. She doesn’t care if he or she is right or wrong for you. Indiscriminately, all attachment systems are set on go.

Mother nature is having her way with you.

This is why the whites of the eyes show as lovers gaze at each other. The pupils dilate, and the heart pounds. You call each other baby. You coo and feed each other, hold and caress. Simply gazing into each other’s eyes can cause a cascade of feel-good hormones.

This template etched in your unconscious is the operating system running the show.  The script from which you speak is what you unconsciously bring into your relationships. Mother nature is trying to ensure your next meal and protection from the elements, and your brain is calling it love!

What happens when you meet the not so nice guy or gal.

Because of this unconscious template, when you are dropped, ignored or dissed by your romantic interest you automatically feel… it is your fault.

This isn’t true, but your faulty attachment system is telling you it is true.

How did you get so unlucky?

While some people (who have a different attachment template) might avoid or disengage when faced with an unavailable or not so nice partner, this isn’t you. You love, love, love, a project. You go all out as if your life depended on making this relationship work.

What was once rooted in your childhood experience is now buried deep in your unconscious brain telling you dangerous lies.

How do you experience it consciously?

You might misinterpret your anxiety as butterflies… telling you this is the one instead of telling you the more appropriate message- run for the hills.

You feel on a deep primal preverbal level that your very lovability is in question. And associated with this is your very survival. When you don’t feel the attention or love from the other in a dependable, consistent way, you feel anxiety.

Your attachment system makes you an addict in need of a fix of attention.

You lose sight of considering whether the other person is a suitable partner. We joke and say you lose your mind. But this is true.  You look for ways to keep the “other’s” attention. Instead of looking out for yourself, you work to elicit signs of their affection &/or caretaking from the other.

And you start to confuse anxiety with love-

This can be a slippery slope anxiously working to keep the other person’s attention. Do it enough, and you only reinforce the idea that you are in love. Before you know it, love hurts.

What you call it love, is in fact, primarily anxious bonding from an insecure attachment.

While the baby in you trying to ensure survival, the good daughter in you is working too hard and settling for more she should.

*You aren’t doomed and you aren’t broken. You deserve to be loved and give love. If you find yourself trapped in a pattern of mistaking anxiety for love know it isn’t your fault. Healing begins with awareness.

To find out if you are caught in the good daughter trap go here.

Because mom is your primary attachment figure (read, your first love) the way you learned to love is your template for love. Click To Tweet If you find yourself trapped in a pattern of mistaking anxiety for love know it isn't your fault. Healing begins with awareness. Click To Tweet You might misinterpret your anxiety as butterflies... telling you this is the one instead of telling you the more appropriate message- run for the hills. Click To Tweet

 

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Are At Risk For Postpartum Depression- Here’s Why

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Postpartum Depression-

 When you become a mother.

For, you, the daughter of the Narcissistic or Difficult mother, new motherhood can be terrifying. Just when everyone expects you to be blissing out, you can feel like a failure and nobody wants to talk about why.

You look at your beautiful baby only to have tears stream down your face. You are swamped with not feeling good enough and overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. It might be merely hormonal, but then again it might be something more.

This may help you make sense of your feelings. It wasn’t your fault. Here’s why.

If you are a daughter of a  Narcissistic or difficult mother,  you have so little in your tank, so little to draw on, a babies needs can feel draining and endless.

Pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, infancy, are all fraught with the dangerous feelings of “not good enough.”

Does your babies newborn cry feel torturous?

You might feel that your baby is screaming to all the world that you are worthlessness and that she sees it.

Or, equally tortuous,  you can feel that your baby is a monster sucking the life out of you. Her needs, feel like too much.

What’s more, you are filled with shame for having those feelings. You know how crazy this all sounds, it is hard to talk about with anyone.  

It doesn’t help that everyone around you is expecting you to be joyful,  but you can’t stop crying and feeling hopeless.

With the physical trauma of childbirth and the hormonal upheaval, it can all come crashing down on you in the form of postpartum depression.

When the baby-blues hang on for weeks, even months without lifting you and your baby will suffer.

This can be so hard.

This isn’t trivial whining about mom. This is real emotional pain.

I have hope for you.

But first, you must understand something.

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The feelings that are coming up for you are not your fault.

If you could understand what is happening and be gentle with yourself.

These uncomfortable feelings are from the basement of your unconscious. You don’t choose to feel this way. In fact, every cell in your being is saying.. Stop. Stop. Stop.

It has nothing to do with how much you love your baby or whether you are good enough.

Did you hear me?

Let me repeat-

These feelings have nothing to do with how much you love your baby or how much you will love your baby.

You are (unconsciously) responding to what your baby symbolizes.

Perhaps your own mother suffered herself. You looked into her eyes and for one reason or another, all you got was, lights out, distraction or flat affect.

No delight. No joy. Just an emptiness.

You don’t choose to have these negative nightmare feelings- they are just there.

Even if you love your baby beyond belief, you might still have these feelings. That is so hard to understand yourself, much less describe to anyone else.

Yet,  I get you.  This is completely understandable. 

If you are the daughter of the narcissistic or difficult mother, you put your mother’s happiness ahead of your own without even knowing it.

You had to.

When baby arrives on the scene, even a much wished for baby; it hits you on a primal level -your time will never come.

It hits you in the gut – you never got to live for yourself. And now it is too late. 

This, of course, is not true- but emotionally it hits you as true.

But life goes on and …

You and your baby have found your way to each other.  But you still remember that awful emptiness when everything seemed too much.

You can never forget that feeling.

Did anyone help you with this? Did you suffer in silence and shame? Was your postpartum depression passed off as simply a medical problem, not a psychological one with real understandable roots?

You did your best then.  The more you know about the cycle and make healing a priority now, the better.

That is why this mother /daughter work is so very important. Revolutionary, even.

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The silence and shame have to stop. The psychological curtain of postpartum depression must be pulled back; the unconscious made conscious.

You are not alone, and you are not crazy.

We need communities of healing, affordable, accessible healing modalities, and understanding. Above all, we need to understand each other.

We all inherit different templates depending on our own mother’s mental health.

This is not in our control, therefore it isn’t our fault.

This isn’t mother against daughter. This work is about lifting up all women. Elevating and supporting all daughters in their time of need so that no one goes it alone.

We are in this together.

If you are going through this right now, reach out to your health professional.

If you remember feeling lost and are now on the other side but still suffer from feelings of guilt, show yourself some kindness and compassion.

I know where you are coming from.

You can heal one story at a time.

This is how we rise.

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DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

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If you are a daughter of a Narcissistic or Difficult mother, you have so little in your tank, so little to draw on, a babies needs can feel draining and endless. Click To Tweet These uncomfortable feelings are from the basement of your unconscious. You don't choose to feel this way. It has nothing to do with how much you love your baby or whether you are good enough. Click To Tweet This isn't mother against daughter. This work is about lifting up all women. Elevating and supporting all daughters in their time of need so that no one goes it alone. Click To Tweet

 

 

Here Are 3 Ways The Pain of Your Childhood Can Make You A Better Mother

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” I don’t want to mess up my daughter the way my mom messed me up.”

 

Yep, EVERY mother on my psychotherapy couch ( especially the “good” daughter) who has a difficult mother and is now raising a daughter has the worry she will make the same mistakes her mother made and leave her daughter feeling anxious and insecure.

If you are one of those mothers I have good news for you- read on. You can turn straw into gold if you know what to do. It is truly the unexamined dysfunctional childhood that is likely to be repeated.

The old saying, “What we don’t pass back we pass on” holds true. But you might not know, the opposite holds true as well. When you process the pain of your childhood you become a wiser and more compassionate mother.  

When you remember and reflect on how you felt as a child, your awareness can make you more sensitive. Whether through therapy or soul-searching talks with someone close, you’ve taken the time to reflect on and process the pain of your dysfunctional childhood. This kind of reflection yields ninja parenting chops.

That doesn’t mean your home doesn’t look like a madhouse at times. When kids aren’t afraid or neglected all of their feelings are out in the open. This is a good thing. And, because you know what it is like to hurt as a child-

You can see beneath the surface.

You see that…

  1. The quiet, obedient child is not always a happy child. When a child feels despair or shame, she tends to constrict, become quiet, and draw into herself. You know that a child may be overly compliant out of fear, not confidence.
  2. Bad behavior is not always what it seems. The acting out child may be misbehaving because she cannot contain an upsetting feeling, and is working to discharge it or push it away. The out of control behavior is sometimes a cry for help. A cry for an adult to help her get control of her impulses or process overwhelming feelings.
  3. It is not necessarily a good thing when your child tries to take care of you. Although it touches your heart when your child shows concern for you-you know no child should feel responsible for her parent’s happiness.

Because of your own painful childhood, you know when you see these outward signs to look more deeply, remain curious, and approach your child with compassion.  Perhaps your greatest gift can be summed up in a word- empathy. Because every child struggles with powerful emotions, even those in functional homes with good mothers. Your empathy makes you a better mother.

At the opposite end of narcissistic and other rigid defenses, that are at the hallmark of dysfunction lies empathetic attunement. You know maintaining an empathetic connection with your child ( no matter her behavior in the moment) paves the way back to good relationship with you. And relationships that are alive, flexible, and loving, keep families functional.

Connection, not perfection, is the key to good mental health and a happy childhood. Even as you discipline your children, you are empathetic to their need for structure, as well as his/her need for an adult to stay in control when doling out the consequences. You can measure how your momentary withdrawal of approval lands with your child. You are careful to invite her back into your good graces as soon as possible rather than shaming and banishing her.

And, when all goes well- you kick back, a smile of delight spreading across your face, and feel that little catch in your throat as it registers deep within you how grateful you are your child feels loved, protected and cared for.

You know, really know, that the safe loved feeling your child feels… is anything but guaranteed. You work hard to make sure she will never know the pain you’ve felt.

*Bonus-

Not only can you use your childhood pain to inform your parenting today, but when you give to your child the love and compassion you never got from your own parents you can start to heal that place within yourself.

If you were the daughter, who took emotional care of mom chances are you are suffering from the “Good daughter” syndrome. To find out-go here.

When you process the pain of your childhood you become a wiser and more compassionate mother. Click To Tweet Connection, not perfection, is the key to good mental health and a happy childhood. Click To Tweet Not only can you use your childhood pain to inform your parenting today, but when you give to your child the love and compassion you never got from your own parents you can start to heal that place within yourself. Click To Tweet

Choosing Mom Over Your Partner Can Ruin Your Sex Life And Undermine Your Relationship

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Are you choosing Mom over your partner and sabotaging your sex life?

Read below and see if you see yourself.

Her timing is impeccable.

Just when you are starting to get intimate with your partner your cell goes off…”Hold on sweetie; I’ve got to get this. It’s mom calling!” Good lord, the invasion of Iraq didn’t take this much planning. Your oldest is having a play date, SCORE!
The baby down for a nap, SCORE! Your libido is somehow retrieved from the south pole……SCORE! SCORE! SCORE!

Nothing could ruin it, right?

A private moment stolen with your husband/partner, and just as you were starting to, you know, get that lovin’ feelin’, your cell goes off, and it’s YOUR MOTHER. As your husband rolls over, groaning in exasperation and clicks on the remote control, your mother intones into the phone that your sister has just gotten a DWI……..AGAIN! Or something, or someone, has upset her – a family crisis no doubt and she needs your attention, your listening ear. With your hand over the phone, you turn to your husband and whisper- “she really needs to talk. I’m sorry.”  (You’ve played the “good daughter” once again to your detriment.) And just like that your sex life, or what passes for one, has just been put on life support by dear old mom.“SCORE” is replaced with “EPIC FAIL”!

Even IF you could start-up again time-wise, nothing puts the kibosh on your libido like a convo with mom.

Yep- your libido just went into hiding again and has no plans to return.

Let’s take a look at what just happened here-

By answering mom’s call and interrupting your intimate session with your partner, you chose mom over your partner. Did you see that? It might not have even consciously registered.

You may be so used to putting mom first,  you aren’t aware you are choosing her over your adult partner. However, if you habitually choose mom over your partner,  you may have a much bigger problem on your hands. If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline or tremendously insecure, it may be very difficult to enforce healthy boundaries.

Either way, the consequences are just as damaging. All too often the mother/daughter duo steals from the relationship which needs nurturing sustaining and developing. It does so quietly, subtly, but surely. 

This bedroom scenario may be just one example of mom’s intrusion into your marriage.

Does mom’s overreach end here or does she-

  1. Weigh in on pivotal parenting decisions and circumvent your partner’s power?
  2. Relate to you as if she were your primary emotional partner?
  3. Tell you things and request you not tell your partner?

    What can happen if this goes unchecked-

Mom’s intrusiveness can be deadly to your relationship with your husband or significant other. Whether or not you consciously acknowledge it, she is forcing you to choose if this scene is played over and over. What looks at first, innocuous, can gain such destructive force, it can take down a marriage/partnership faster than you can say “Mother, may I?”

Where are you in this?

Is your ” too close”  alliance with mom costing you intimacy with your partner? Is this a corrosive toxin slowly eroding your love life? You may know that your mother drives you crazy and gets under your skin, but you may not know that this dysfunctional dynamic with her is stealing the very key to so much of your happiness.

When your Mother is Narcissistic or difficult, this unhealthy dynamic is put on steroids. The Narcissistic or insecure Mother will experience any closeness her daughter has with another as a threat.

Looking back at the wedding, you realize, mom was front and center. 

Here is how this plays out-

On the surface, the intrusive mother may appear supportive of her daughter’s marriage, yet the daughter, especially the daughter in the role of the”good daughter“, will feel a tug as her alliance is tested.  As a result, the “good daughter” will feel torn instead of support during the planning stages of the wedding.

Underneath the myriad of decisions, Mom is always calling the question- “Who is important here? Whose side are you on?” The ‘good daughter’ knows, always knows, the correct answer. She’d better choose mom. What first starts as a mother/daughter public event- otherwise known as a wedding, quickly devolves into three people in a marriage.

Before you know it, you have formed an unconscious alliance with your mother that leaves your husband or partner -odd man out. You may joke with mom about how clueless men are without seeing what this does to him and your relationship. What you can’t see so clearly is that your put-downs take their toll. Pretty soon the man in your life checks out in front of the television or buries his head in his electronics.

If you could see inside his heart, you might see that he has given up.

He is programmed not to show it, but he can’t take the put-downs anymore, so he protects himself by tuning you out, and keeping his head down. And if you aren’t careful, this begins to be the new normal. Here is where the odds are stacked against you- As a “Good Daughter” you have so many hang-ups about sex, your libido is just a fragile house of cards ready to come tumbling down with the first strong wind of mother guilt.

Sexual shame, mother guilt, and bad girl feelings are anything but a girl’s best friend when it comes to a sex life. With the business of everyday life plus or minus kids… your sex life can be in the toilet before you know it. My final words of caution. It’s not all about sex, but when the sex goes, a whole lot goes with it.

Here’s the bottom line-

3 people in a marriage are one too many. Without a vital connection to your partner, your marriage grows dead on the vine. By elevating mom to an equal or, god forbid, superior status in your marriage you might be quietly ( unconsciously) destroying it.

You can turn this around if you wake up to this underlying destructive dynamic that keeps you in the “good” daughter at the expense of your adult connection.

This is only one of the ways being stuck in the “good daughter” role is bad for you.

Before it’s too late find out if you are stuck in the ” good daughter” role- go here.

3 people in a marriage are one too many. Without a vital connection to your partner, your marriage grows dead on the vine. Click To Tweet Click To Tweet By elevating mom to an equal or, god forbid, superior status in your marriage you might be quietly ( unconsciously) destroying it. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

“Should I Go “No Contact” With Mom”? A 3 Step Guide To Help You Decide

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At what point do you say ENOUGH!

Enough abuse, dysfunction, bullying, drama, intrusion, insults, and toxicity for one lifetime. At what point do you decide going “no contact” with your difficult mother is the way to go?

Almost every daughter of a difficult mother I see struggles with where to draw the line, and if to draw a hard line. 

Seated on my psychotherapy couch, Sarah is in agony. ” I just can’t take one more discussion of my faults. Nothing is ever good enough for her. No matter what I do… she weighs in with criticism and judgment.  I get off the phone in tears feeling terrible about myself. Who needs that? I’d be better off never talking to her again.” 

In a later session, Emily says, “Mom’s a black hole. I constantly take care of her and have nothing left for myself. Her neediness is sucking the life out of me. Everything turns into a drama, and whatever happens, it’s always my fault. When will this end?”

Still later, Susan says,” My mother is toxic. She poisons everything she touches. She twists the truth and manipulates constantly to make herself look good instead of owing up to anything. I’ve had it with her lies and manipulations. After what she said to me yesterday, I am never speaking to that woman again!”

In the course of a therapy day, I hear more than one daughter trapped in the role of the “good daughter”  of a difficult mother struggle with this one agonizing question. “Should I cut my mother off and go no contact? ” Daughters of difficult mothers can’t imagine taking the abuse indefinitely, and they see only one way out… no contact. This is indeed an option. In fact, sometimes it is the only acceptable option.

However, for most of my clients, it is more complicated than that. After the anger subsides, and the amnesia of time washes over them, this one feeling threatens to challenge their resolve- GUILT! Especially for the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good” daughter, guilt has her in a vise grip. When the guilt sets in, I hear some variation of-“But she’s my MOTHER. She did the best she could. She didn’t let me starve. I’ll give her that. Besides, what would she do without me?  I can’t cut my own mother off, can I?”

After 30 years of helping women get to the answer that works for them, I find it boils down to this-

You need to decide what is and is not okay with you, communicate it, and stick to your guns. You only have control over you. You can’t force mom to change, but you can decide how much contact you will have with her. 

When you set those expectations and communicate them most daughters say, “My mother won’t go for that.” Of course, she won’t. If, you were to wait for mom to realize the error of her ways you might be waiting a lifetime.  Chances are you have always let mom call the shots. That’s just the way it is. Because we are shaking things up a bit this isn’t about your usual stance, submitting to mom, this is about considering yourself.

In this scenario, you aren’t asking her for permission, you are deciding what is okay with you. Big difference. It’s time to take the reins of your own life. Having her in your life, or not, is your choice. You didn’t choose your mother but you can choose how you relate (or if you relate)  to the mother you have.

Now let’s get down to the process that can get you there.

Your 3 step guide

AWARENESS–  consider what it costs you when you abdicate your power to mom and let her call the shots. Are you going to live your life for your mother forever?

CONFIDENCE -find your voice and learn what stating your boundaries and limits sounds like, how to say it, and, what to say.

RESOLVE– steady yourself for the inevitable pushback you get when you set those boundaries. Did I say pushback? A tsunami of resistance would be more like it. You need to be emotionally prepared.

Sounds good. Will this be easy? Not on your life. In fact, whether you get a minor tremor or a significant earthquake of resistance, is directly proportional to the level of dysfunction in your relationship. A healthy, balanced relationship involves both parties who consider each other’s interests and compromise.

While the resistance is undeniably upsetting, it also holds incredibly valuable information. When your reasonable request touches off explosive resistance, you know you have unearthed a landmine of dysfunction. And, you can’t deal with something you don’t know is there.

How you can prepare?

If you are clear and have internal resolve (admittedly a huge task), the rest will fall into place. Not easily, or smoothly, but developing internal resolve is essential for your own healing whether or not your mother ever changes. By taking the upper hand, you have flipped the dynamics of the relationship. The first part of your life, mom held the power. Now it’s your turn.

Whether you go low contact, no contact or “I’m taking a break for now” contact, if you have communicated your needs and limits, you can let her decide the level of contact by her actions and response. In effect you are saying, ” Mom here is where I stand,  you decide how you will show up in my life.” In this way, you take control of your life instead of hoping she will change

*A Bonus-  you don’t have to shoulder all of the responsibility of deciding whether or not you and your mother have a relationship or what kind of relationship. With a wake-up call, mom may alter her approach. You don’t know until you try. Then, making the call about how much contact you want is based on real-life data. One thing is for certain, hoping mom will change is not a strategy. Whatever her response, by exercising your power in this way, you build your confidence, and start living life on your own terms. 

Nothing will ever change unless you do.

To find out if you are trapped in the role of the good daughter go here.

 

 

 

Helicopter Mom Or Covert Narcissist ? Here’s A Fool-Proof Way To Tell

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Is Mom a helicopter, overly involved mother…or does she suffer from covert narcissism?

Mom knows best! Mom to the rescue! Mom is always right! Right? Humm.. the culture stands back and cheers, loudly! But where does good intention end and overreach begin? A closer look at the covert narcissistic mother would show you this mother micromanages her daughter’s every move.  She pushes for perfection in her relentless pursuit to orchestrate her daughter’s successes and her parenting glory.

What’s wrong with that you might ask? Doesn’t every mother want what’s best for her daughter? The problem is…this level of involvement isn’t necessarily best for her daughter. While the culture sees her as a saint, the perfect mom, the psychological truth is … this Mom is appropriating her daughter. Mom is living through her daughter rather than letting her daughter live. 

Unlike the braggadocious narcissistic male counterpart, the covert narcissistic mother gathers up her narcissistic supplies in more underground, covert ways. Attuned to social expectations, she uses her position as a doting mother & super mom as cover.

These mothers involve themselves in their daughter’s every decision—so involved, in fact, that their daughters are not allowed to make decisions on their own. This level of intimacy between mother and daughter may be seen by many as, “all good.”

“Look, they are so close. She tells her mother everything. They are just alike. “

However, a more careful look reveals a destructive dynamic.  Mom’s needs for relevance is met at the expense of her daughter’s need for independence and self-sufficiency. The apparent closeness of the mother-daughter relationship can obscure the reality of the situation—Mom is relying on her daughter in ways that are unhealthy.

Does the covertly narcissistic mother know what she is doing? I would say, rarely, if ever. It depends on the level of narcissism.  On the extreme end, (enough to qualify for NPD) Mom feels compelled, driven in fact, to pour herself into her daughter’s life without possessing the reflective capacity to see the negative effects of doing so.

The narcissistic defense renders her emotionally blind to what she is doing to her daughter.  In this case, the needs of the mother, not the daughter, are the central driving force in the relationship.

If, on the other hand, she only has traits of covert narcissism (and what mother doesn’t, hand raised) mom can step back and consider if her involvement benefits her daughter. She enjoys her daughter’s successes and her part in them, but she doesn’t need it for emotional survival.

 One thing is for certain. The daughter feels it, especially the daughter trapped in the role of the “good” daughter.T he daughter feels the difference between having a mother who is a bit over involved and a mother who is a covert narcissist. She can feel it on a gut level.

If you are the daughter, try this exercise-

 Imagine telling your mother “No”.

“No, it isn’t a good time to talk.”

“No, I don’t like the dress you picked out for me. It isn’t my style.”

No, I won’t be spending Thanksgiving day with you. We will be at my in-laws. “

Does this feel mildly awkward or do you respond with, “OMG I could never say that”? Why? What makes the difference in how you respond? The daughter of the covert narcissist bumps up against an unconscious taboo she didn’t know was there. The taboo has such force; she will do anything to avoid it-including sabotaging her own happiness.

And, what is this taboo? She can’t, mustn’t, shouldn’t… reject Mom. Why? Mom’s psyche can’t handle it.

 What’s going on here- 

Mom’s insecurity is the central reason for her narcissism. The narcissistic defense is standing guard at the edge of a bottomless pit of mom’s need and feelings of worthlessness. That’s why mom can’t withstand rejection. Rejection threatens to push her over the psychological edge. Any hint of rejection is met with a steely look, tone of voice, or a stony silence that can last for days.

The attuned empathetic daughter in the role of the “good daughter”  carries this burdensome knowledge around in her psyche and her body. She can’t unknow what she knows.

Her attunement to mom locks her into an impossible dilemma. She is faced with the choice, take care of mom or take care of herself. In this way, what’s good for mom can be very bad for her daughter. Many mothers today feel enormous pressure to over-involve themselves in their daughters’ lives. This involvement doesn’t have to end in dysfunction. However, the mothers who can’t let go when the time comes are at risk for hurting their daughters. The daughters most attuned to mom and her needs are at risk of getting stuck in the “good” daughter role and suffering from what I call the Good daughter Syndrome.

Find out if you are suffering from the “Good” daughter Syndrome here.

There is a way out and a way home to yourself.

But first, you need to know what you are dealing with. Awareness is power. Get yours. 

 

 

 

 

This Is How Mom Became Narcissistic- What She Didn’t Get in Childhood

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Mom just can’t take criticism.

Regardless of how carefully you put your complaint, mom can’t admit any wrongdoing. No matter what you say, she always has a comeback. Does she think she is untouchable or perfect? That would be an easy answer, but you know, that’s not it the whole story.

Despite what looks like arrogance on the outside, you know she is an unhappy person on the inside. There’s a hard shell, an armor she can’t let anyone see beneath. You care about mom and you wonder if there something psychologically wrong with her?

She desperately needs for everything to look perfect on the outside. What’s more, she needs for you to look perfect. That’s why… what you do is never good enough for her. Underneath it all, she doesn’t feel good enough about herself. As a result, she needs for you to look good to make her look good.

The technical word for this is “narcissistic extension.” She relates to you as if you were an extension of her. You are like her right arm. In this way, she owns you, uses you, and doesn’t regard you as separate from her. If you are the daughter trapped in the “good daughter” role, you may suffer from the good daughter syndrome.

So, what happened to mom to make her this way? You may have long suspected mom has NPD or is at least is high in Narcissistic traits. You may wonder what happened to mom in her childhood to make her develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder or have traits of the disorder.

  • I think it is possible to have great distain for the destructive effects of these narcissistic defenses that hurt you as a daughter while holding in your mind that mom has been hurt too. 

I discuss in this video what it was mom didn’t get in her childhood (that every child needs) to cause her to be narcissistic.

 

Transcript

A mother who is narcissistic or has narcissistic traits is someone who didn’t get what we call narcissistic supplies where they were little. What we mean by that is that when children are very little, if all goes well, they get the idea that their very being brings at least one person delight. We all need this. Whether there are words of praise, whether there’s just the glimmer in Mom’s eyes and the delight that when baby looks back up at Mom, that enough of the time, not all the time, but enough of the time, what baby sees mirrored back is delight. It’s preverbal at first. There are just coos and wonderful words, but what the baby takes in is an idea that their very present presence brings another person delight. If they do not get this, they do not get enough narcissistic supplies, then what can happen is they can spend the rest of their lives trying to get that special feeling, which leads to all kinds of narcissistic defenses, which I’ll talk about in another video.

In summary –

Narcissistic mothers didn’t get what they needed in childhood. From that original deficit, destructive psychological consequences can follow. Specifically, the defenses that help her survive emotional wounding, damage the ways she relates to herself and others.

It is this core deficit that can set in motion a relentless quest to make up for good feelings later in life. The narcissistic mother can never feel special enough. This quest is off-putting, manipulative and destructive to her subsequent relationships.

Those around her can be sucked into the bottomless pit of her need for affirmation. The final irony is that she can’t take in the affirmation she demands, and appropriates from others. It is like a bucket with a hole in it. No matter how much she gets filled up -she empties out at a faster rate.

At the narcissistic core is an untouchable emptiness. Attuned daughters feel this.

What is important to remember is this- You didn’t cause your mothers narcissism, and you can’t cure it. You can have compassion for her while not being sucked into the vortex of her need for control and affirmation.

You can and should stand up for yourself, find your voice and claim your own life. Once you truly grasp an understanding of her narcissism, you can learn to take care of yourself and live your life on your own terms.

The way to stop this cycle is first, to understand.

To find out if you suffer from the good daughter syndrome – go here.

 

 

Dreading Mother’s Day? A New Perspective Could Help

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Standing in the card aisle looking for a Mother’s Day card, you freeze. [The same holds true for all holidays and required gift-giving celebrations.]

 Nothing seems to fit how you feel. All of the cards you see describe a mother/daughter relationship you don’t recognize. Sappy. Sugary sweet. Over the top.

“ARGGG,  Why do I have to go through this every year”, you say to yourself. Does everyone but me have a mom who makes them feel supported and accepted no matter what?” Unconditional support. Total acceptance for who you are with no judgment. Yeah, right. Not my mom. Not in this lifetime.

Or maybe you feel this way- You love your mother and overall you appreciate she did the best she could. But, the truth is, you still struggle with major aspects of your relationship with her.

Most visits and conversations have an uncomfortable edge to them. Although you wish it weren’t the case, you come away from visits with mom feeling worse about yourself.  Tension and unspoken resentments fill the space between you. She may be oblivious to how hard you work to make encounters with her appear to go smoothly.

Do you-

  • Let barbs/judgmental statements go by without calling mom out? 
  • Politely answer intrusive questions even though they cross boundaries?
  • Endure backhanded compliments that sting but don’t push back?   

If so, chances are you are trapped in the role of the “good daughter”, the one who feels responsible for mom’s feelings. You feel like you have to come through no matter what! No matter what it costs you. You adhere to the familial golden rule, “Whatever you do, don’t upset mom on Mother’s day/Christmas/Passover/ her Birthday! ”

Yet, despite these tensions, you hold out hope that one day you will be able to have a real conversation with mom that might heal some old wounds. Yet, you see in your mind’s eye… mom opening your card. The card is one of those “over the top” cards full of sentiment you wish you felt but don’t.

She clutches it to her chest in gratitude. Your heart sinks as you realize this display pulls you even further away from any honest conversation that might actually clear some things up.

The pressure to be fake on Mother’s Day (or other celebratory days) hurts both Mothers and Daughters.

Ironically it paints you both into a corner that precludes any candid conversation that could bring you closer to a real connection. As it is…you are in the card aisle caught between two impossible choices.

  1. Do nothing and you might as well take out a billboard saying “I hate my mother” or better yet “I am a horrible daughter.”
  2.  Get that fake card and feel slightly nauseous. Even mom knows you all have issues and pretending you don’t is weirdly humiliating for you both.

This is how this idealization of mothers on mother’s day hurts both of you. This idealization of mothers on mother’s day is, in fact, dismissive of the real struggles and triumphs involved in the messy relating that is between mothers and daughters.

In yet another scenario – you’ve gone no contact and feel like a pariah on Mother’s day.

You’ve made the healthiest choice for yourself and that doesn’t involve seeing mom on mother’s day. You may stay no contact forever but, for now, a Hallmark holiday isn’t going to jeopardize your mental health.

This is a very private sometimes painful choice but perhaps the best choice for you. The toxicity is just too much. Although the decision to go no contact is the healthiest for you at this time in your life, you still have a hard time feeling okay going against the pervasive cultural norm.

Either way, this idealization of mothers paints both mothers and daughters into a corner.

Wouldn’t it be great if daughters weren’t faced with the impossible choice of honoring their mothers at the expense of honoring themselves?

What if we as a culture could honor all mothering relationships in all of its complexity and authentic beauty without the phony commercial overlay that restricts us all.

To find out if you experience the good daughter Syndrome go here 

If you are dreading your upcoming visit I have help for you. For a free survival guide to a visit with mom go here 

 

 

 

Moms Who Cling to Their Daughters: The Destructive Effects

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( Moms who cling to their daughter)

When Mom clings to her daughter and stops looking for closeness with her husband… she sets a dysfunctional destructive cycle in motion. 

This destructive dynamic happens all too easily. Dad says something clueless or in mom’s view, thoughtless, and a knowing glance towards her daughter is followed by an EYEROLL. Before you know it, mom and daughter have a repertoire of jokes, mutual understandings and you guessed it -a  closer relationship than her parents have with each other.

This dynamic originally makes Mom feel affirmed and her daughter enjoys a free ticket into the adult world of relating. A ticket, I would argue that does more harm than good. Because the daughter isn’t developmentally equipped to handle the adult realm of an emotional partnership (and shouldn’t be), the partnership she has with mom is by definition, one-sided. It is not the partnership of equals.

If this dynamic continues, what happens?

Over time an implicit familial agreement solidifies; a daughter is the only one who “gets mom” and therefore she feels the pressure to see that mom’s emotional needs are met. More times than not her parent’s marriage grows stale and the daughter is trapped in a dynamic that holds her back from following her own developmental trajectory- the role of the “good” daughter. All may look picture perfect on the outside, no divorce, a father in the home and mother/daughter closeness-

What could be wrong with that?

In this case, just about everything.

The beautiful family Holiday card hides a dysfunctional secret. Mom and dad’s marriage is dead on the vine and the attuned daughter trapped in the role of the good daughter is sacrificing her normal striving for independence. In this stifling environment, nothing healthy grows. 

Conversely, in a healthy family environment, the parents are attending to each other’s needs well enough so that the children are free to develop, differentiate and eventually set off on their own. In this darker dysfunctional scenario, the daughter is trapped in an impossible dilemma. Because she is attuned to mom and knows her moods like the back of her hand, she feels it is her job to take emotional care of mom.

Because of this clinging, the daughter may feel she can’t leave mom. She may be unaware of feeling guilty and unconsciously sabotage her own attempts at growing up. At the unconscious level, the daughter may feel that in growing up she is betraying mom.

Anxiety, depression, or eating disorders may have at their psychological core a daughter who doesn’t feel she has permission to grow up and away from mom. Like a Chinese finger trap, the grip only tightens when she tries to get free. Attempts to differentiate bring on guilt that constricts and suffocates.

How does this dynamic play out?

When the daughter does dare try and pull away from mom, mom grows more and more controlling. Mom can’t let go. What are normally tense times around boys, makeup, and clothing choices become full-out Amagedon battles to the death- the death of the daughter’s independence. Mom becomes ultra-critical of her daughter.

What underlies this criticism? It isn’t that her daughter is doing anything (necessarily) wrong, the ultra criticalness stems from mom’s realization her daughter is growing up and away from her. This is confusing and unfair for her daughter who doesn’t understand why she is suddenly coming under fire. In response to mom’s hyper control, daughters frequently respond in one of two ways;

1)  They buckle under, lose their quest for independence and often times with it their thirst for life.  They turn in on themselves in destructive ways. Depression, cutting, eating and anxiety disorders are all ways girls turn the rage they feel in on themselves.

2) Alternatively, they meet fire with fire, control with counter control and wage all-out defiance of their mother’s control- Alcohol and drug abuse, promiscuity or random rule-breaking. In a perfect dysfunctional storm, they express their rage in a way that will cause them to feel shame and guilt, resulting in a return to mother “who knows best”.

Often times, parentified daughters go underground and hide their acting out behaviors. They continue to feel ashamed of themselves and don’t have a full understanding of their actions.

Because of the built-up rage at having been unfairly handed a role that wasn’t their’s, to begin with, coupled with crippling guilt at betraying mom, some daughters act out in ways that express that rage while making them feel bad about themselves. A perfect storm of enmeshment, rage, guilt, and betrayal results in a cycle that ends with the daughters return to her partnership with mom. Neither response, either internalizing the battle or throwing themselves into an external battle help them gain an independence they can feel good about

 

What happens when the parentified daughter has her own daughter? Both the complacent daughter and the former rebel are likely to return to the fold without having fully established themselves as separate adults. Life may feel bleached of its vibrancy and the adult good daughter may not know why.

If mom stays at the center of her emotional life her adult daughter will have a hard time establishing and maintaining a full sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with her adult partner. Sadly, without awareness, she will also have difficulty letting her daughter fly guilt-free into her own life. Yet, with awareness and hard work, the cycle can be broken.

It is never too late to live fully into your own life.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

 

When Mom clings to her daughter and stops looking for closeness with her husband... she sets a dysfunctional destructive cycle into motion. Click To Tweet Anxiety, depression, or eating disorders can have at their psychological core a daughter who doesn't feel she has permission to grow up and away from mom. Click To Tweet When a daughter is attuned to mom and knows her moods like the back of her hand, she may feel it is her job to take emotional care of mom. Click To Tweet If mom stays at the center of her emotional life her adult daughter will have a hard time establishing and maintaining a full sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with her adult partner. Click To Tweet When daughters are parentified, both the complacent daughter and the former rebel are likely to return to the fold without having fully established themselves as separate adults. Click To Tweet A perfect dysfunctional storm of enmeshment, rage, guilt, and betrayal can result in daughter's return to her partnership with mom without having established a healthy independence. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

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