Daughters Rising

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Symptoms of The Good Daughter Syndrome

by Katherine Fabrizio

sympDaughters of Narcissistic Mothers Symptoms of The Good Daughter Syndrome

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers show symptoms of The Good Daughter Syndrome.

Your mother has issues.

Boy, does she have issues..manipulative, intrusive, self-absorbed, and critical… hardly begins to cover it.

And you feel it all. Attuned and sensitive, you’ve always picked up if Mom was okay.- It’s like you have this radar, this 6th sense about Mom.

You aren’t sure if it’s a blessing or a curse because…

you can’t relax until Mom is okay and okay with you.

This isn’t unusual.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers show symptoms that can be mild to devasting. This daughter works to be good for mom, look good for mom, and make sure mom is good with her. It’s an endless, thankless, and ultimately impossible quest.

Exhausted, daughters in this Good daughter role have been trained to place Mom’s needs ahead of their own.

How do I know?

After counseling daughters of difficult mothers for over 30 years, I started to notice a trend.

Daughters who were particularly compassionate and had mothers who were troubled, narcissistic, borderline, or histrionic frequently fell into what I call The Good Daughter trap, a trap that sucked the life out of them and chained them to their mothers’ pathology.

 

Here are 10 signs of the good daughter syndrome- can you relate?  

1) No matter how hard you work for Mom’s approval, it’s never good enough.

Whether Mom criticizes you outright or her criticism is implied, you get the message it’s never good enough; you are never good enough.  With her constant comments, you get a distinct feeling there’s something wrong with you and that she’s trying to fix or better you.

 

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Symptoms of The Good Daughter Syndrome

2) Mom gives you unsolicited advice.

She is always making suggestions about weight, hair, parenting; you name it, there isn’t an area she won’t weigh in on. What’s more, she expects you to answer to her and take her advice even when you haven’t asked for it.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

3) Mom is never wrong and never sorry.

You won’t hear, “I was wrong, and you were right.” Nope, she just can’t give it to you. By the same token, you won’t hear a genuine apology.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

4) She’s always crossing your boundaries

You have a hard time setting healthy boundaries with Mom and a harder time sticking to them.  Setting a boundary feels like you are breaking a rule you never knew existed.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

5) You feel responsible for Mom’s happiness.

You wish it were different, but if Mom isn’t happy, you fear if it’s, you’re your fault. This underlies many reasons you have such a hard time setting boundaries and standing up to mom. Deep down, you feel responsible for making your mother happy.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Symptoms of The Good Daughter Syndrome

6) Mom takes any pushback as a rejection of her.

Shutting you down, she says something along the lines of, “I was just trying to help. I guess I’m just a horrible mother.” It is almost impossible to have a reasonable conversation with mom. She gets defensive and upset if you have a problem with anything she does. You end up feeling like it just isn’t worth it.

 

7) Mom thinks she knows what is best for you.

Always. It goes without question, at least in her mind. The unstated but heavily implied rule is” Mother knows best.” If you dare to challenge it, there is hell to pay.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

8) Although not explicitly stated, making Mom look good and feel good is your job.

Whether you are picking out an outfit for a holiday meal or choosing a profession or mate, you know mom will regard your choice as a reflection on her.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Symptoms of The Good Daughter Syndrome

9) Standing up to Mom is hard for you.

You don’t want to rock the boat. Yep, more than hard, it’s almost impossible. You know the phrase all too well, ” If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Your mother’s mood sets the tone. You don’t want to mess with that.

The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Daughter

10) Plagued by self-doubt, you constantly second-guess yourself.

It is hard for you to make decisions and feel confident about them. Mom’s taught you that you can’t solely rely on your own judgment.

Do you see yourself in 7 out of the 10 statements?

As a psychotherapist of over 30 years, I keep seeing these empathetic daughters of Narcissistic Mothers show the Good Daughter Syndrome symptoms. These are the daughters who care too much and get too little.

I see my clients giving too much and getting too little in their intimate relationships, striving for unattainable perfection, or feeling like a fraud in their professional lives. When I dig further, I find insecure-anxious daughters taking care of or being good for their Mom instead of looking out for themselves.

Find out if you are the Good Daughter – go here to take the quiz- It’s quick, and it’s free.

 

How are you good for mom in ways that might be bad for you?

Let me know in the comments.

 

10 Things Narcissistic Mothers Say And What She REALLY Means

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

A thoughtful woman in recognition

 A narcissistic mother’s language is as predictable as it is telling. The things narcissistic mothers say will tell you everything you need to know about her.

It’s all part of a linguistic campaign to keep you in your place and provide cover for her hostility.

Yet, you may be so used to the things mom says you don’t expect anything different.

Still, that doesn’t mean Mom’s words don’t erode your self-esteem, make you doubt yourself, and keep you from claiming your experience as your own.

Let’s look at 10 things narcissistic mothers say and decode what they really mean.

  1. You’re just too sensitive. -I won’t be held accountable for the hurt you feel from my comments. Instead, I will imply there is something wrong with you rather than something hurtful about my comment.
  2. I never said that.– If you hold me accountable for the hurt I caused, I will simply deny I ever said it. Easy peasy.
  3. I’m only trying to help. I can criticize you, undermine you and overstep, but if you don’t experience my actions/comments as helpful, it’s your fault.  This gives me a free pass to act on my hostility and attribute blame to you.
  4. This is for your own good.– I know what you need better than you do. This gives me Carte Blanche to do cruel things and pass them off as helpful.
  5. Only your mother will tell you.– I give myself special dispensation to cut you down because I am your mother.
  6. I was just joking .– If you feel mocked by me, I bear no responsibility. I can say whatever I want, and you have no right to call me out.
  7. I’m sure you don’t mean that.– However, you feel in response to me is of no interest to be. I will invalidate your feelings if they don’t agree with mine.
  8. I’m sorry but you...If you dare question me, I’ll just turn the spotlight on you.  A good offense is the best defense.
  9. Is there something going on with you? I refuse to accept the legitimacy of what you are saying. Instead, I’m going to turn it back on you with faux concern.
  10. I’m sorry you took it that way.– What I said or did made you feel is 100% your responsibility, not mine. I am not interested in a mutually respectful relationship.

While those are only a hand full of the things narcissistic mothers say, there are plenty more where they came from.

*** For example-

You’ll be sorry when I’m gone.–  I will silence you with guilt by implying there will be good things to miss when I am gone.  I won’t take relational responsibility for them here, and now, I’ll preemptively borrow it from the hereafter. Notice, I’m implying I won’t be the one held accountable for my actions, not now nor in the great by and by.

(Silent treatment)- Saying by not saying – I will withhold my attention and affection and make you squirm wondering what you did wrong. I’ll deny feeling angry and offer you no way back into my good graces.

Phew – sound familiar?

I thought it might…

Well, ugh…but there it is.

What is she doing?

 

  1. Invalidating you– In effect, Mom is saying your feelings and perspective don’t matter… so any hurt you feel is not legitimate.

  2. Dismissing you– By taking your feelings and perspective out of the equation and discarding them Mom says she is the only one that matters in the relationship.

  3. Projecting the hurt back onto you – If Mom can pawn the hostility off on you she doesn’t have to explain herself or own her part in the conflict. So your hurt isn’t relevant.

(What she’s really saying:)

“Protecting and promoting myself is more important to me than staying in loving connection with you. ”  

In fact, these things narcissistic mothers say don’t promote connection; they do the opposite they sever, cut off, disenfranchise you. 

wire fence imagery to underscore mom protecting herself

Yet, you are probably wondering,

” Is that true? ”  

“How can you be sure that’s what she meant? Couldn’t any one of these statements taken at face value reflect a genuine misunderstanding?”

ABSOLUTELY.

In a loving, trusting relationship that has momentarily gone sideways- people make mistakes. Good, well-meaning people

  • Say snarky things
  • Are tone-deaf at times
  • Can be genuinely surprised that they have upset someone they love

Who doesn’t make a relational misstep now and then?

I know I do 🙂

So what’s the difference between an honest miscommunication and one designed to hurt?

To get at the heart of the matter, ask yourself this:

Does Mom-

  •  Treat you like an equal?
  • Apologize when she is wrong?
  • Care about how her words make you feel?
  •  Circle back and check-in with you when the heat of the moment has passed, you both have cooled down, or when she realizes she has hurt your feelings?
  •  Want to make it right or make her point?

 Hummmm, maybe that pit in your stomach or the tightness in your chest… is telling you something?

 

10 things narcissistic mothers say

Ask yourself-

Are you swallowing the hurt and still giving Mom the benefit of the doubt… when she doesn’t deserve it? If so, you might be stuck in the role of the good daughter. Good for Mom and decidedly bad for you. 

Does Mom need to lord her superiority over you, keep you in your place, and make sure you don’t get the relational upper hand? Could it be that she has a narcissistic personality disorder or is high in Narcissistic traits?

If the answer is yes-

these common statements are doing relational violence to you. They invalidate your internal experience and elevate her relevance and dominance.

But why would Mom want to do that to you?

The answer lies in understanding narcissism. To see if your mother is a Narcissist, go here. But the bottom line is this; the Narcissistic playbook has no room for equals, only superiors, and inferiors.  Their verbiage isn’t about building a loving, caring connection. It is designed to wield power over you.

In conclusion-

It doesn’t make it right, but it does make it real. 

Remember building a healthy relationship requires a foundation of trust and respect. Trust that you can share vulnerabilities without repercussion and respect that each of you is a separate person with differing but equal perspectives.

In contrast, the Narcissistic relationship is-

  • neither respectful nor trustworthy
  • Their statements shut you down and shut you out.
  • They erode your self-esteem, cause you to doubt yourself, and discourage you from open, honest communication.

no exit

Here’s the truth as I see it-

*** Saying these things doesn’t make Mom a narcissist, but a Narcissistic mother is sure to say them.***

So, if you dread visits with Mom and… leave feeling worse about yourself than when you came, you might want to take a closer look at why.

Know this –

Your life can be better. You can learn to shield yourself from interpersonal assault once you know it is there. If you can’t decode the language, you will keep coming away from encounters with her, not knowing why you feel so crappy.

Without awareness-

You will continue to wonder, ” Is it me or is it her? ” Because- you can’t rise above something you don’t know is there. And you can’t deal with something you can’t see. Lifting the psychological veil on the things Narcissistic mothers say to reveal the intent behind them puts you in a position to rise above them.

If it is time to break free and take your life back, go here! 

 

 

Dear Teenaged Daughter -The Story of How I Let You Go And What I Learned 

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

 

 

 

The heartbreak and gift of letting your daughter go

Dear Teenaged Daughter,

(written 10 years ago) 

You have that far away look in your eyes now. Home isn’t the center of your universe.

I knew it would be this way. I just didn’t know how much it would hurt.

That open face in the photo I have of you as a toddler, so eager and trusting of me- where did she go? Where did you go?

Yet, I reflect… my own mother struggled with letting me go, and I swore I’d do better. I just didn’t know it would hurt so much.

Now, made-up eyes and a knockout figure, you look down your pretty nose and smirk at the rest of us as though we were clueless trolls. I mispronounce the name of your favorite clothing store and you shudder visibly in disgust.

Even your compliments have a patronizing air.

Yesterday, the universe threw me a small crumb.

Watching TV in my bed, you were exhausted, and, uncharacteristically, fell asleep in my arms. It reminded me of when you were a baby and I’d let my arm go numb rather than move it and disturb your sleep. I thought to myself, if this is the last time I hold you, I dare not move.

I know I can’t make it “all better” anymore- but maybe you could just rest awhile in mommy’s arms.

Without words, lectures, questions, opinions between us, I hear your strong heartbeat; your breathing slow, your warm body loses its resistance and melts into mine. Yes, just like when you were little before you could talk.

Before we let the words-opinions-lectures get in the way. Before you found me out to be the imperfect being that I am.

Once upon a time, I was the mommy who made it all better, not the mommy who gets it all wrong.

Your need conjured my milk, my love, my comfort…

You awakened my inner movie star. I had, at long last, been discovered. I sang you show tunes and we danced. You squealed with delight. When you were hungry, I nursed you. When you were tired or cranky, I rocked you to sleep. You took naps in my arms and full-time residence in my heart.

You accepted me in ways I couldn’t accept myself. Now you reject me in ways I don’t understand.

So, little girl, rest your pretty head on my shoulder. Take a break from your hurry to grow up, your hurry to leave. I think I’ll take a break from trying to improve, cajole, and advise you.

Remember the perfection we had without even trying- before you found out you would have to leave. Before I started worrying if you have everything you need.

This may not be the last time I hold you close, but I know there will be a last time.

The train is coming for you and you are packing your bags. You have a one-way ticket.

Each time you leave the house you never return completely. Home is becoming more of a layover, instead of the destination, it is for the rest of us.

I know you need to make a home inside of yourself, and your dreams the destination. This, I know, is the only way.

Still, it hurts.

So let me hold you and we can remember a time when I had everything you needed, our perfection restored. We can both pretend we don’t hear that whistle calling you, and my heart isn’t on that track.

 (10 years later)-

More than a decade has passed and we are sharing a glass of wine in the home you now make with your husband, almost 3-year old daughter, and infant son.

We made it to the other side. Because you were brave enough to leave and I found the strength to let you go.

What looked only like a loss to me then… looks different to me now.

With a tender heart, I watch your 3-year old daughter load up her stroller with baby dolls and announce she is going to “work”.

Although I say nothing, I hear that haunting train whistle in the distance-the whistle that will call your precious daughter into her own life. I know what’s coming….who will leave, and whose heart will be on that track.

When the time comes, I hope to once again hold your hand and wipe your tears. 

I have faith you will find the strength to set her free. Finding that strength inside of yourself, you will give her the gift you never wanted to give and it will break your heart.

Yet, you will see mothers who can’t let go; cripple their daughters, and steal their daughter’s chance of claiming a life they could call their own.  

You will know the price those daughters pay is much too high.

So, without martyrdom, but with strength, you will do what needs to be done. And, you will be better for it. Fashioned from the pieces of your broken heart, you will acquire an expanded heart-one of compassion, wisdom, and grace.

• The compassion of a mother who knows her daughter’s dreams for herself is more important than the dreams she has for her daughter.

• The wisdom of a mother who sees the need her daughter has to do it her way, not as a rejection of her but a declaration of herself.

• The grace of a mother who knows a heart chained is a heart that is never truly hers, but the one she sets free can be hers forever.

Then and only then will you know this: Of the many gifts you will give your daughter, after loving her, the gift of letting her go is the hardest gift and the greatest gift you have to give her.

Do you suffer from the Good daughter syndrome? Take the quiz here, it’s free.

 

 

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