Daughters Rising

10 Things Narcissistic Mothers Say And What She REALLY Means

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

A thoughtful woman in recognition

 A narcissistic mother’s language is as predictable as it is telling. The things narcissistic mothers say will tell you everything you need to know about her.

It’s all part of a linguistic campaign to keep you in your place and provide cover for her hostility.

Yet, you may be so used to the things mom says you don’t expect anything different.

Still, that doesn’t mean Mom’s words don’t erode your self-esteem, make you doubt yourself, and keep you from claiming your experience as your own.

Let’s look at 10 things narcissistic mothers say and decode what they really mean.

  1. You’re just too sensitive. -I won’t be held accountable for the hurt you feel from my comments. Instead, I will imply there is something wrong with you rather than something hurtful about my comment.
  2. I never said that.– If you hold me accountable for the hurt I caused, I will simply deny I ever said it. Easy peasy.
  3. I’m only trying to help. I can criticize you, undermine you and overstep, but if you don’t experience my actions/comments as helpful, it’s your fault.  This gives me a free pass to act on my hostility and attribute blame to you.
  4. This is for your own good.– I know what you need better than you do. This gives me Carte Blanche to do cruel things and pass them off as helpful.
  5. Only your mother will tell you.– I give myself special dispensation to cut you down because I am your mother.
  6. I was just joking .– If you feel mocked by me, I bear no responsibility. I can say whatever I want, and you have no right to call me out.
  7. I’m sure you don’t mean that.– However, you feel in response to me is of no interest to be. I will invalidate your feelings if they don’t agree with mine.
  8. I’m sorry but you...If you dare question me, I’ll just turn the spotlight on you.  A good offense is the best defense.
  9. Is there something going on with you? I refuse to accept the legitimacy of what you are saying. Instead, I’m going to turn it back on you with faux concern.
  10. I’m sorry you took it that way.– What I said or did made you feel is 100% your responsibility, not mine. I am not interested in a mutually respectful relationship.

While those are only a hand full of the things narcissistic mothers say, there are plenty more where they came from.

*** For example-

You’ll be sorry when I’m gone.–  I will silence you with guilt by implying there will be good things to miss when I am gone.  I won’t take relational responsibility for them here, and now, I’ll preemptively borrow it from the hereafter. Notice, I’m implying I won’t be the one held accountable for my actions, not now nor in the great by and by.

(Silent treatment)- Saying by not saying – I will withhold my attention and affection and make you squirm wondering what you did wrong. I’ll deny feeling angry and offer you no way back into my good graces.

Phew – sound familiar?

I thought it might…

Well, ugh…but there it is.

What is she doing?

 

  1. Invalidating you– In effect, Mom is saying your feelings and perspective don’t matter… so any hurt you feel is not legitimate.

  2. Dismissing you– By taking your feelings and perspective out of the equation and discarding them Mom says she is the only one that matters in the relationship.

  3. Projecting the hurt back onto you – If Mom can pawn the hostility off on you she doesn’t have to explain herself or own her part in the conflict. So your hurt isn’t relevant.

(What she’s really saying:)

“Protecting and promoting myself is more important to me than staying in loving connection with you. ”  

In fact, these things narcissistic mothers say don’t promote connection; they do the opposite they sever, cut off, disenfranchise you. 

wire fence imagery to underscore mom protecting herself

Yet, you are probably wondering,

” Is that true? ”  

“How can you be sure that’s what she meant? Couldn’t any one of these statements taken at face value reflect a genuine misunderstanding?”

ABSOLUTELY.

In a loving, trusting relationship that has momentarily gone sideways- people make mistakes. Good, well-meaning people

  • Say snarky things
  • Are tone-deaf at times
  • Can be genuinely surprised that they have upset someone they love

Who doesn’t make a relational misstep now and then?

I know I do 🙂

So what’s the difference between an honest miscommunication and one designed to hurt?

To get at the heart of the matter, ask yourself this:

Does Mom-

  •  Treat you like an equal?
  • Apologize when she is wrong?
  • Care about how her words make you feel?
  •  Circle back and check-in with you when the heat of the moment has passed, you both have cooled down, or when she realizes she has hurt your feelings?
  •  Want to make it right or make her point?

 Hummmm, maybe that pit in your stomach or the tightness in your chest… is telling you something?

 

10 things narcissistic mothers say

Ask yourself-

Are you swallowing the hurt and still giving Mom the benefit of the doubt… when she doesn’t deserve it? If so, you might be stuck in the role of the good daughter. Good for Mom and decidedly bad for you. 

Does Mom need to lord her superiority over you, keep you in your place, and make sure you don’t get the relational upper hand? Could it be that she has a narcissistic personality disorder or is high in Narcissistic traits?

If the answer is yes-

these common statements are doing relational violence to you. They invalidate your internal experience and elevate her relevance and dominance.

But why would Mom want to do that to you?

The answer lies in understanding narcissism. To see if your mother is a Narcissist, go here. But the bottom line is this; the Narcissistic playbook has no room for equals, only superiors, and inferiors.  Their verbiage isn’t about building a loving, caring connection. It is designed to wield power over you.

In conclusion-

It doesn’t make it right, but it does make it real. 

Remember building a healthy relationship requires a foundation of trust and respect. Trust that you can share vulnerabilities without repercussion and respect that each of you is a separate person with differing but equal perspectives.

In contrast, the Narcissistic relationship is-

  • neither respectful nor trustworthy
  • Their statements shut you down and shut you out.
  • They erode your self-esteem, cause you to doubt yourself, and discourage you from open, honest communication.

no exit

Here’s the truth as I see it-

*** Saying these things doesn’t make Mom a narcissist, but a Narcissistic mother is sure to say them.***

So, if you dread visits with Mom and… leave feeling worse about yourself than when you came, you might want to take a closer look at why.

Know this –

Your life can be better. You can learn to shield yourself from interpersonal assault once you know it is there. If you can’t decode the language, you will keep coming away from encounters with her, not knowing why you feel so crappy.

Without awareness-

You will continue to wonder, ” Is it me or is it her? ” Because- you can’t rise above something you don’t know is there. And you can’t deal with something you can’t see. Lifting the psychological veil on the things Narcissistic mothers say to reveal the intent behind them puts you in a position to rise above them.

If it is time to break free and take your life back, go here! 

 

 

Choosing Mom Over Your Partner Can Ruin Your Sex Life And Undermine Your Relationship

by Katherine Fabrizio

Are you choosing Mom over your partner and sabotaging your sex life?

Read below and see if you see yourself.

Her timing is impeccable.

Just when you are starting to get intimate with your partner your cell goes off…”Hold on sweetie; I’ve got to get this. It’s mom calling!” Good lord, the invasion of Iraq didn’t take this much planning. Your oldest is having a play date, SCORE!
The baby down for a nap, SCORE! Your libido is somehow retrieved from the south pole……SCORE! SCORE! SCORE!

Nothing could ruin it, right?

A private moment stolen with your husband/partner, and just as you were starting to, you know, get that lovin’ feelin’, your cell goes off, and it’s YOUR MOTHER. As your husband rolls over, groaning in exasperation and clicks on the remote control, your mother intones into the phone that your sister has just gotten a DWI……..AGAIN! Or something, or someone, has upset her – a family crisis no doubt and she needs your attention, your listening ear. With your hand over the phone, you turn to your husband and whisper- “she really needs to talk. I’m sorry.”  (You’ve played the “good daughter” once again to your detriment.) And just like that your sex life, or what passes for one, has just been put on life support by dear old mom.“SCORE” is replaced with “EPIC FAIL”!

Even IF you could start-up again time-wise, nothing puts the kibosh on your libido like a convo with mom.

Yep- your libido just went into hiding again and has no plans to return.

Let’s take a look at what just happened here-

By answering mom’s call and interrupting your intimate session with your partner, you chose mom over your partner. Did you see that? It might not have even consciously registered.

You may be so used to putting mom first,  you aren’t aware you are choosing her over your adult partner. However, if you habitually choose mom over your partner,  you may have a much bigger problem on your hands. If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline or tremendously insecure, it may be very difficult to enforce healthy boundaries.

Either way, the consequences are just as damaging. All too often the mother/daughter duo steals from the relationship which needs nurturing sustaining and developing. It does so quietly, subtly, but surely. 

This bedroom scenario may be just one example of mom’s intrusion into your marriage.

Does mom’s overreach end here or does she-

  1. Weigh in on pivotal parenting decisions and circumvent your partner’s power?
  2. Relate to you as if she were your primary emotional partner?
  3. Tell you things and request you not tell your partner?

    What can happen if this goes unchecked-

Mom’s intrusiveness can be deadly to your relationship with your husband or significant other. Whether or not you consciously acknowledge it, she is forcing you to choose if this scene is played over and over. What looks at first, innocuous, can gain such destructive force, it can take down a marriage/partnership faster than you can say “Mother, may I?”

Where are you in this?

Is your ” too close”  alliance with mom costing you intimacy with your partner? Is this a corrosive toxin slowly eroding your love life? You may know that your mother drives you crazy and gets under your skin, but you may not know that this dysfunctional dynamic with her is stealing the very key to so much of your happiness.

When your Mother is Narcissistic or difficult, this unhealthy dynamic is put on steroids. The Narcissistic or insecure Mother will experience any closeness her daughter has with another as a threat.

Looking back at the wedding, you realize, mom was front and center. 

Here is how this plays out-

On the surface, the intrusive mother may appear supportive of her daughter’s marriage, yet the daughter, especially the daughter in the role of the”good daughter“, will feel a tug as her alliance is tested.  As a result, the “good daughter” will feel torn instead of support during the planning stages of the wedding.

Underneath the myriad of decisions, Mom is always calling the question- “Who is important here? Whose side are you on?” The ‘good daughter’ knows, always knows, the correct answer. She’d better choose mom. What first starts as a mother/daughter public event- otherwise known as a wedding, quickly devolves into three people in a marriage.

Before you know it, you have formed an unconscious alliance with your mother that leaves your husband or partner -odd man out. You may joke with mom about how clueless men are without seeing what this does to him and your relationship. What you can’t see so clearly is that your put-downs take their toll. Pretty soon the man in your life checks out in front of the television or buries his head in his electronics.

If you could see inside his heart, you might see that he has given up.

He is programmed not to show it, but he can’t take the put-downs anymore, so he protects himself by tuning you out, and keeping his head down. And if you aren’t careful, this begins to be the new normal. Here is where the odds are stacked against you- As a “Good Daughter” you have so many hang-ups about sex, your libido is just a fragile house of cards ready to come tumbling down with the first strong wind of mother guilt.

Sexual shame, mother guilt, and bad girl feelings are anything but a girl’s best friend when it comes to a sex life. With the business of everyday life plus or minus kids… your sex life can be in the toilet before you know it. My final words of caution. It’s not all about sex, but when the sex goes, a whole lot goes with it.

Here’s the bottom line-

3 people in a marriage are one too many. Without a vital connection to your partner, your marriage grows dead on the vine. By elevating mom to an equal or, god forbid, superior status in your marriage you might be quietly ( unconsciously) destroying it.

You can turn this around if you wake up to this underlying destructive dynamic that keeps you in the “good” daughter at the expense of your adult connection.

This is only one of the ways being stuck in the “good daughter” role is bad for you.

Before it’s too late find out if you are stuck in the ” good daughter” role- go here.

3 people in a marriage are one too many. Without a vital connection to your partner, your marriage grows dead on the vine. Click To Tweet Choosing Mom Over Your Partner Can Ruin Your Sex Life And Undermine Your Relationship Click To Tweet By elevating mom to an equal or, god forbid, superior status in your marriage you might be quietly ( unconsciously) destroying it. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

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