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10 Things Narcissistic Mothers Say- And What She REALLY Means

February 24, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

A thoughtful woman in recognition

Hurtful, dismissing, invalidating: a Narcissistic mother’s language is predictable as it is telling. The things Narcissistic mothers say, say more than you know.

It’s all part of a linguistic campaign to keep you in your place and provide cover for her hostility. You may be so used to the things narcissistic mothers say you don’t expect anything different. That doesn’t mean Mom’s words don’t erode your self-esteem, make you doubt yourself, and keep you from claiming your experience as your own.  Let’s look at 10 things Narcissistic mothers say and decode what they really mean.

  1. You’re just too sensitive. -I won’t be held accountable for the hurt you feel from my comments. Instead, I will imply there is something wrong with you rather than something hurtful about my comment.
  2. I never said that.– If you hold me accountable for the hurt I caused, I will simply deny I ever said it. Easy peasy.
  3. I’m only trying to help. I can criticize you, undermine you and overstep, but if you don’t experience my actions/comments as helpful, it’s your fault.  This gives me a free pass to act on my hostility and attribute blame to you.
  4. This is for your own good.– I know what you need better than you do. This gives me Carte Blanche to do cruel things and pass them off as helpful.
  5. Only your mother will tell you.– I give myself special dispensation to cut you down because I am your mother.
  6. I was just joking .– If you feel mocked by me, I bear no responsibility. I can say whatever I want, and you have no right to call me out.
  7. I’m sure you don’t mean that.– However, you feel in response to me is of no interest to be. I will invalidate your feelings if they don’t agree with mine.
  8. I’m sorry but you...If you dare question me, I’ll just turn the spotlight on you.  A good offense is the best defense.
  9. Is there something going on with you? I refuse to accept the legitimacy of what you are saying. Instead, I’m going to turn it back on you with faux concern.
  10. I’m sorry you took it that way.– What I said or did made you feel is 100% your responsibility, not mine. I am not interested in a mutually respectful relationship.

While those are 10 things Narcissistic mothers say, there are plenty more where they came from.

*** Bonus statements-

You’ll be sorry when I’m gone.–  I will silence you with guilt by implying there will be good things to miss when I am gone.  I won’t take relational responsibility for them here, and now, I’ll preemptively borrow it from the hereafter. Notice, I’m implying I won’t be the one held accountable for my actions, not now nor in the great by and by.

(Silent treatment)- Saying by not saying – I will withhold my attention and affection and make you squirm wondering what you did wrong. I’ll deny feeling angry and offer you no way back into my good graces.

Phew – sound familiar?

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/Untitled-design.mp4

I thought it might…

Well, ugh…but there it is.

Let’s strip these things narcissistic mothers say to reveal what they do to you.

Invalidating– In effect, Mom is saying your feelings and perspective don’t matter… so any hurt you feel is not legitimate.

Dismissing– By taking your feelings and perspective out of the equation and discarding them Mom says she is the only one that matters in the relationship.

Deflecting- If Mom can pawn the hostility off on you she doesn’t have to explain herself or own her part in the conflcit. So your hurt isn’t relevant. 

Basically these comments reduced to one statement goes like this- Protecting and promoting myself is more important to me than staying in loving connection with you.  

In fact, comments like these don’t promote connection; they do the opposite they sever, cut off, disenfranchise you. 

wire fence imagery to underscore mom protecting herself

“Hold on a minute,” you say- 

“How can you be sure that’s what she meant? Couldn’t any one of these statements taken at face value reflect a genuine misunderstanding?”

ABSOLUTELY.

In a loving, trusting relationship that has momentarily gone sideways- people make mistakes. Good, well-meaning people say snarky things, are tone deaf at times and can be genuinely surprised that they have upset someone they love.

Who doesn’t make a relational misstep now and then?

So what’s the difference between an honest miscommunication and one designed to hurt?

To get at the heart of the matter, ask yourself this: does mom treat you like an equal, apologize when she is wrong, and care about how her words make you feel? Does she circle back and check-in with you when the heat of the moment has passed, you both have cooled down, or when she realizes she has hurt your feelings?

Does she want to make it right or make her point?

 Is that pit in your stomach … telling you something?

Are you still giving Mom the benefit of the doubt when she doesn’t deserve it? If so, you might be stuck in the role of the good daughter. Good for Mom and decidedly bad for you. 

Consider if there a larger pattern at work here?

Does Mom need to lord her superiority over you, keep you in your place, and make sure you don’t get the relational upper hand? Could it be that she has Narcissistic personality disorder or is high in Narcissistic traits?

If so, these common sayings invalidate your internal experience and elevate her relevance and dominance.

The Narcissistic playbook has no room for equals, only superiors, and inferiors.  Their verbiage isn’t about building a loving, caring connection. It is designed to wield power over you.

Building a  healthy relationship requires a foundation of trust and respect. Trust that you can share vulnerabilities without repercussion and respect that each of you is a separate person with differing but equal perspectives.

The Narcissistic relationship is neither respectful nor trustworthy.

 These statements shut you down and shut you out.

They erode your self-esteem, cause you to doubt yourself, and discourage you from honestly communicating with Mom.

no exit

Here the doublespeak and verbal weaponry are decoded and stripped naked of its artifice. Small, petty, and insecure: saying these things doesn’t necessarily make Mom a Narcissist, but a Narcissistic Mother is sure to say them.

So, if you dread visits with Mom and leave feeling worse about yourself than when you came, you might want to take a closer look at why.

Remember- you can’t rise above something you don’t know is there. Lifting the psychological veil on these comments to reveal the intent behind them puts you in a position to rise above them. Knowledge is power!

If it is time to break free from the dysfunctional dynamic, go here.

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: calling mom out, controlling mother, covert mothers, Daughters, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, self esteem, Self-Doubt

Calling Mom Out Can Be Hard. This Could Help.

November 15, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

You have been stuffing your feelings for so long because you are afraid of standing up to mom. Yet, the anger and resentment have built up to a point you know you need to say something. You’re thinking about calling her out. So, you finally get up the courage to speak your truth and it hits you like ton of bricks- this is going to hurt mom. You feel guilty for calling mom out.

What’s more, she will probably become defensive and even deny she has done anything to hurt you. Mom can seem downright evil some days and then you get a glimpse of the insecurity she feels right beneath the surface and she seems so fragile. This keeps you stuck. You can’t help but think, your compassionate nature is working against you. The good daughter of the difficult mother wants very much to feel love from her mother. She feels compassion for mom and doesn’t want to hurt her. This is a tricky combination.

Calling mom out is done with a heavy heart. 

Transcript-

This is Katherine Fabrizio, with help for the good daughter suffering from the Good Daughter Syndrome.

One very complicated aspect of doing this kind of work and setting boundaries, finding your voice, claiming your life, is that you know what you have to say is going to be, on some level, hurtful to someone who you also love.

Even if you’re mad at her, you’re just so frustrated and could strangle her, you know that what you’re saying is going to be deeply unsettling on some level.

So, I find that women really want to think about this, how they do it, and it’s very important to be kind and compassionate and non-blaming, non-name calling. This needs to be gone about with care and compassion.

 


Postscript-

There are no easy answers, but I think it would be a mistake to only blame mom. Make no mistake- I am relentless in naming the many ways this good daughter dynamic is harmful to daughters.  Yet, I think I would be is remiss to lose sight of the attachment between mothers and daughters. Daughters feel a mix of feelings love and hate that compliment and contradict each other. And why wouldn’t they, mothers and daughters share so much.

Standing up to mom is hard- for good reason. There is an attachment to her, even if it is a painful one much of the time. You only have one mother. I don’t say that to make you feel guilty. Quite the contrary, in fact. After counseling women for over 30 years, here is the truth. I’m calling it as I know it-

If you don’t acknowledge the mix of feelings you will not be able to hold your ground when you confront mom’s hurtful behavior. You will crumble in a heap of guilt.

Even when you need to stand your ground, speak out and call out mom’s hurtful behavior. Understanding there are many daughters who are hurting and many mothers who are limited and impaired is a starting place. You are not alone. At times a daughter needs to speak her mind to clear the air even if her mother cannot take in what she is saying or hear her. Speaking your truth helps you.

Sometimes mom can’t or won’t come along. That’s ok.

To speak your truth is freeing and liberating. Do it for yourself. You are creating a new reality for yourself. You might say, “Mom – I feel ( frustrated, angry, sad, dismissed, forgotten) when you ( criticize, dismiss, ignore) me.   I want to have a good relationship with you but this gets in the way of that.” With kindness, understanding and the conviction that we, as women, can do better.

As daughters rising we must lead the way. Strong and kind don’t have to cancel each other out. Gratitude and truth-telling can coexist.

Find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

The change starts with you- Tweet it out

The good daughter of the difficult mother wants very much to feel love from her mother. She feels compassion for mom and doesn't want to hurt her. Click To Tweet” username=”daughterrising”]

Daughters feel a mix of feelings love and hate that compliment and contradict each other. And why wouldn't they, mothers and daughters share so much. Click To Tweet To speak your truth is freeing and liberating. Do it for yourself. You are creating a new reality for yourself. Click To Tweet When speaking your truth to your mother strong and kind don't have to cancel each other out. Gratitude and truth-telling can coexist. This is the new mother/daughter paradigm. Click To Tweet So, you finally get up the courage to speak your truth and it hits you like ton of bricks- this is going to hurt mom. You feel guilty for calling mom out. Click To Tweet Sometimes a daughter needs to speak her mind to clear the air even if her mother cannot take in what she is saying or hear her. Speaking your truth helps you. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
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Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: call-out, calling mom out, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Mom, standing up to mom, truth

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

Read more.

Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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