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Should I Go No Contact With My Mother? Here’s How To Decide

January 12, 2021 by Katherine Fabrizio

woman trying to decide if she should go no contact with her mother?

There’s usually a last straw, a deal-breaker, the final insult you can’t ignore.  You might find yourself asking…,

 Should I go no contact with my mother?

Here is your complete guide to decide. 

Table of Contents

  • Real-life examples from real clients
  • When it makes sense to go no contact
  • For other kinds of moms, you have other options.
  • Here is where most daughters go wrong
  • Instead of demanding she change, you must realize your value.
  • Here’s the problem with deploying the “no contact” option right out of the gate.
  •  Another approach besides going no contact
  • 5 examples of setting boundaries that are within your control.
  • What are the advantages of setting a boundary first – even if you ultimately go no contact down the road?
  • In summary – when you ask, “should I go no contact with my mother,” remember this…

First, realize you do have a choice-

Watch below to see what I mean.

Is this you?

Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat.  Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.

At what point do you say ENOUGH?! Enough abuse, dysfunction, bullying, momma drama, intrusion, insults, and toxicity for one lifetime, you say.

You’ve reached the end of your rope, the last straw, and you can’t let her treat you this way.

Frankly, you don’t know what else to do.

woman feeling exasperated and asking should i go no contact with my mother

Let me help you.

First of all…you are not alone.

Almost every daughter of a difficult mother I see in psychotherapy struggles with drawing the line and drawing a hard line with her mother.

I’ve led hundreds of women just like you through the process of deciding whether or not to go no contact with their mother. Whether or not they end up going no contact isn’t as important as the approach to making a change.

As you will see- unless you take the essential steps, the whole thing can easily backfire on you, leaving you worse than where you began.

Real-life examples from real clients- asking should I go no contact with my mother? 

woman on therapy coach askng should I go no contact with my mother?

 

Seated on my psychotherapy couch, Sarah is in agony.

” I can’t take one more discussion of my faults. Nothing is ever good enough for her. No matter what I do… she weighs in with criticism and judgment.  I get off the phone in tears feeling terrible about myself. Who needs that? I’d be better off never talking to her again.” 

In a later session, Emily says, “Mom’s a black hole.

“I constantly take care of her and have nothing left for myself. Her neediness is sucking the life out of me. Everything turns into a drama, and whatever happens, it’s always my fault. When will this end?”

Still later, Susan says,” My mother is toxic.

She poisons everything she touches. She twists the truth and constantly manipulates to make herself look good instead of owing up to anything. I’ve had it with her lies and manipulations. After what she said to me yesterday, I am never speaking to that woman again!”

Angry, resentful, and feeling betrayed, you’ve come away from a visit or a conversation that makes you feel like lashing out or caving into yourself in defeat.  Mom’s said the thing or done the thing that kills whatever hope you had for a good relationship with her.

There’s just no coming back from this one- you tell yourself.

woman wondering if she should go no contact with her mother?

 Should I go no contact with my mother?  

Maybe she’s criticized you for the last time or created so much unnecessary drama she has exhausted all the goodwill, second chances, or patience you’ve got in you. Or you’ve exhausted yourself trying to please her and find…nothing is ever good enough for her.

Either way, you are out of emotional gas.

In the course of a psychotherapy day, I hear more than one daughter trapped in the role of the “good daughter”  of a difficult mother struggle with this one agonizing question, “Should I go no contact with my mother or do something less drastic?”

When it makes sense to go no contact with your mother

Sometimes going no contact is the only acceptable option. Especially for daughters of mothers who fall on the antisocial, sociopathic end of the psychological spectrum, cutting off all contact can be the only way to save yourself.

Should you go no contact with your mother?

The short answer is probably “YES ” if your mother is one of those Moms.

woman deciding she should go no contact with her mother?

How can you tell if your mother is one of those moms- (the antisocial, sociopathic Mom)

 ask yourself

  • Does Mom regularly break the law, lie, steal, or cheat without any show of remorse?
  • Is she intentionally cruel and seems to take pleasure in causing others misery?
  • Does she possess no capacity for empathy… no matter the circumstance?

This kind of Mom is, frankly, rare. She is, however, someone you need to protect yourself from. If you can be 100% sure she is incapable of acting with basic human emotions, you need to get away… and fast. No contact is definitely in order.

 

For other Moms, you have other options.

For most narcissistic, borderline, or personality disordered moms (many of whom land somewhere on a spectrum), you have other options to exercise before you deploy the nuclear option- going no contact.

As angry and ready to take action as you are… thinking this one through will pay off in the long run even if you ultimately decide to go no contact. Stick with me here and…

 ask yourself –

Is Mom controlling, manipulative, and self-centered when her back is up against the wall? But, when the heat is off, and she doesn’t feel threatened, can she show some empathy? Does she follow the rules in some aspect of her life, even when it isn’t to her advantage?

* I want to be sure you know- if your answer is yes, that doesn’t make Mom’s behavior okay in my book… not by a long shot. It just means she has other, more human psychological tools in her toolbox. 

(You have to give her enough reason to use them- but more on that later.)

Here is where most daughters go wrong-

  1.  Insist Mom admit she is wrong and you are right.
  2. Insist Mom agree to therapy and work on changing herself.

And if not, you will go NO CONTACT! 

“What’s wrong with that, you say? Mom is wrong, and she needs to admit it before anything can change. She is the one that is messed up and needs help. Isn’t that obvious!”

If mom is wrong shouldn't she admit it

In a perfect world – YES!  But in my experience, this approach rarely goes well.

You see, Mom’s ways of thinking and doing things have been ingrained over years and years. She is very practiced at it and is unlikely to make a % 180-degree turn.

Giving Mom this kind of ultimatum, you will likely get defensive push-back rather than the hoped-for concession.

 

 

“But why,” you ask? “I’m only asking for her to own her part in the dysfunction and agree to change her ways. Is that too much to ask?”

The answer isn’t so much about what is fair… as it is about what is possible.

And I want to set you up for success, not failure.

Here’s the unvarnished truth as I know it- 

A mother whose personality structure has been dependent on deflecting blame and criticism is virtually allergic to taking responsibility for her actions. She will hardly EVER admit to being wrong, think she needs therapy, or commit to acting differently- at least, not in this lifetime.

Think of it this way: Mom has been using her defense mechanisms for pretty much her entire life, certainly way before you came along. As such, she will have encountered resistance to her ways. If none of the consequences she has encountered thus far has been enough to make her reconsider and self-reflect, she is unlikely to give them up now.

In her mind, admitting she is wrong, messed up, or needs to change will dismantle her entire psychologically constructed house of cards. She will fight to the psychological death to give it up even if it destroys all her relationships in the process.

 

Yes, if Mom is that difficult, she isn’t going to back down and admit she is the one with the problem.

Does that mean Mom is hopeless and you have no other choice but to go no contact? I would argue- no, not right away- if at all. But, the change that needs to happen is within you. You have to get clear on the fact that you matter.

Instead of demanding she change, you must realize your value and act accordingly.

I will show you how.

woman feeling confident

“Why is this so hard for me to do!”

Well, you see, the thing you need to do is the thing that is hardest for you to do.

This is because you have had NO practice or support claiming your needs. Life as the Good daughter has revolved around your mother’s needs, moods, and preferences. It’s like a muscle you’ve hardly ever used. So it has atrophied.

You don’t know that your needs, preferences, and opinions count TOO. Not yet, anyway. 

Ironically, demanding your mother change (and deep down knowing she won’t ) is just another version of making her the one that matters.

Put her on the defensive, and you will be dealt an onslaught of excuses, deflections, accusations, and well-worn arguments.  Either that or she will play the victim and crumble in a heap of tears designed to disarm you.

Most difficult mothers have black belts in launching an offense as the best defense or playing the victim, so you won’t hold her accountable.

She’s been in training for this one her whole life.

should I go no contact with my mother?

What’s more, Before you know it- IT’S. ALL. ABOUT. HER… AGAIN!

Here’s the other problem with deploying the “no contact” option right out of the gate.

After the anger subsides and the amnesia of time washes over you, you are in danger of succumbing to the biggest boundary-caving emotion of all- GUILT!

Especially for the daughter, trapped in the “good” daughter’s role, guilt has her in a vise grip. When the guilt sets in, I usually hear some variation of, “But she’s my MOTHER. She did the best she could. She didn’t let me starve-I’ll give her that. Besides, what would she do without me?  I can’t cut my own mother off, can I?”

BUT- let me tell you, feeling guilty and being guilty are two different things. You may feel guilty that you are destroying her life but only be guilty of wanting a healthy boundaried relationship.

You have to prepare. 

Otherwise, she will knock you off your game at the first sign of resistance.

If you have some tenderness in your relationship with your Mom, guilt can swamp you and kill off your resolve as soon as you can say, ” Mother, May I?” Then, before you know it, you are back in the subservient position with Mom apologizing for upsetting her.

Keep in mind- if you go no contact time will pass, and there will always be-

-A funeral

-A wedding-

-The birth of a baby-

 Will you stay away and miss out?

In some cases, staying away is necessary. Being in the same room with Mom isn’t worth your sanity.  But if you declare no contact, be prepared – from now on, the losses that come along will keep on adding up.

So is there a way, an approach that won’t box you in?

When you ask, should I go no contact with my mother?-

You have to face this central truth.

When you lay down any version of “this isn’t working for me,” it will cause some upset. Mom isn’t all of a sudden going to roll over and acquiesce. Nope, she will kick up a fuss of some kind- even if the fuss comes in the form of the silent treatment.

Is there another approach besides going no contact with your mother?

YES!

An alternative (which may or may not lead up to no contact depending on Mom’s response)  is to set a boundary around something important to you but isn’t the biggest issue you have with Mom.

*In my version, you will use the fact that she will give you push back to your advantage. You actually count on the fact that she is going to overreact.

The key is- you have to set a boundary that is about something you can control.

5 examples of setting boundaries that are within your control.

Telling Mom-

  1. You aren’t ready/willing to share when she asks you something too personal.
  2. Returning Mom’s emails or phone calls on your schedule instead of hers.
  3.  Right or wrong, you need to make your own adult decisions despite how she may feel about them.
  4.  You are going to spend the holidays with your in-laws.
  5. You will have to agree to disagree on a political or religious issue.

That’s it!

When she pushes back, you keep your cool and stand your ground.

  You don’t threaten anything big. You simply refuse to give her the power to have control over you. This way, you make a small change and expect a BIG reaction. By stating a reasonable boundary and sticking to it, you let her have an UNREASONABLE  overreaction.

That’s right. You expect the outsized reaction, and you stand your ground and change the dynamic.

Repeat as necessary- with each intrusion, boundary-crossing, unwanted advice, criticism, you assert your adult power.

No matter what Mom does, you can strengthen a muscle that has been weak up until now. You can score a personal win despite Mom’s reaction.  Watch below to find out how. 

 

What are the advantages of setting a boundary first – even if you ultimately go no contact down the road?

  • You can set a small (low emotional ) boundary and expect and prepare for some push back. That way, you can build the self-reliance muscle one small rep at a time.
  • You come from a place of thoughtful intention instead of a defensive reaction.
  • Setting a boundary this way enhances your self-esteem and sense of sovereignty over your life.

*In this way, you are signaling to Mom that you are taking charge of your life.

You are the boss of you! Imagine that! 

woman making an empowered decision

Here’s a little-acknowledged secret- as powerless as you are used to feeling, you ultimately hold the power now that you are an adult.

What?????? That’s right. As an adult, you get to decide how much contact you have with your Mom. And here’s another little secret. Despite her actions, and sometimes because of them …deep down… she knows it too.

As a child, she had the power. As an adult, you hold the power. 

This is your first task. To realize and accept the full extent of your power. Her actions, no matter how misguided, are designed to keep you from knowing this essential truth. Because when you realize it… she loses her hold on you.

Yes, it’s that simple.

So with that in mind-

Now next time you ask yourself, should I go no contact with my mother? You have a whole new way of thinking about it.

You get to decide what is and is not okay with you, communicate it, and stick to your guns. 

That means, know what you plan to do if Mom crosses a line or exhibits a behavior you have decided is off-limits. Setting the limit doesn’t involve controlling her but taking control of yourself. This is the key.

Again you aren’t asking her to do something you know she (probably) won’t do.  You are taking action.

What would this look like?

Walk away.

Stop talking.

End the phone conversation.

” Mom, I’m going to hang up now,” ” Mom, I’m not willing to talk about x with you anymore” ” Mom, I’ll let you know if I change my mind about x, but for now, I’m going to do y. Mom, I hear your concern, but I need to figure this out on my own.”

DISENGAGE.

These are choices that are within your power. It’s that simple and that hard, but the effort is more internal than external.

Will Mom go along? I expect not!  When you set those expectations and communicate them, most daughters say, “My mother won’t go for that.”

To that, I say, of course, she won’t. If you were to wait for mom to realize the error of her ways, you might be waiting a lifetime.  Just because mom has always called the shots in your relationship, you assume that’s the way it will always be. WRONG! 

In this healthier scenario-

you aren’t asking her for permission; you decide for yourself the kind of adult relationship you want. 

Big difference. It’s time to take the reins of your own life. Having her in your life, or not, is your choice. You didn’t choose your mother, but you can choose how you relate (or if you relate) to the mother you have.

Now let’s get down to the process that can get you there.

 3 mindest shifts to prepare- 

AWARENESS–  consider what it costs you when you abdicate your power to mom and let her call the shots. Are you going to live your life for your mother forever?

CONFIDENCE -find your voice and learn what stating your boundaries and limits sounds like, how to say it, and, what to say.

RESOLVE– steady yourself for the inevitable pushback you get when you set those boundaries. Did I say pushback? A tsunami of resistance would be more like it. You need to be emotionally prepared.

Will this be easy? Not on your life.

In fact, whether you get a minor tremor or a significant earthquake of resistance is directly proportional to the level of dysfunction in your relationship. A healthy, balanced relationship involves both parties who consider each other’s interests and compromise.

While the resistance is undeniably upsetting, it also holds incredibly valuable information. When your reasonable request touches off explosive resistance, you know you have unearthed a landmine of dysfunction. And, you can’t deal with something you don’t know is there.

Then, depending on how mom responds- this is a great litmus test to see if Mom has defenses that will be problematic and unchangeable or if she can reverse course.

If you are clear and have internal resolve (admittedly a huge task), the rest will fall into place.

Not easily or smoothly, but developing internal resolve is essential for your own healing whether your mother ever changes. By taking the upper hand, you have flipped the dynamics of the relationship. For the first part of your life, mom held the power. Now it’s your turn.

So, in summary – when you ask, should I go no contact with my mother? remember –

Whether you go low contact, no contact, or “I’m taking a break for now” contact, if you have communicated your needs and limits, you can let her decide the level of contact by her actions and response. In effect, you are saying, ” Mom, here is where I stand; you decide how ( and if) you choose to show up in my life.” 

In this way, you take control of your life instead of hoping she will change.

*A Bonus-  you don’t have to shoulder all of the responsibility of deciding whether or not you and your mother have a relationship. With a wake-up call, mom may alter her approach or not. Then, making the call about how much contact you want is based on real-life data.

One thing is for certain, hoping mom will change is not a strategy. Whatever her response, by exercising your power in this way, you build your confidence and start living life on your own terms. If you need me to help you formulate a plan, you can reach me here.

And that is always a good place to start no matter where you end up!

 

From Good Daughter To Empowered Woman – Get your free guide here.

Where are you in this?

Let me know in the comments.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Being Thoughtful, call-out, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Independence, no contact, self esteem, setting boundaries

Calling Mom Out Can Be Hard. This Could Help.

November 15, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

You have been stuffing your feelings for so long because you are afraid of standing up to mom. Yet, the anger and resentment have built up to a point you know you need to say something. You’re thinking about calling her out. So, you finally get up the courage to speak your truth and it hits you like ton of bricks- this is going to hurt mom. You feel guilty for calling mom out.

What’s more, she will probably become defensive and even deny she has done anything to hurt you. Mom can seem downright evil some days and then you get a glimpse of the insecurity she feels right beneath the surface and she seems so fragile. This keeps you stuck. You can’t help but think, your compassionate nature is working against you. The good daughter of the difficult mother wants very much to feel love from her mother. She feels compassion for mom and doesn’t want to hurt her. This is a tricky combination.

Calling mom out is done with a heavy heart. 

Transcript-

This is Katherine Fabrizio, with help for the good daughter suffering from the Good Daughter Syndrome.

One very complicated aspect of doing this kind of work and setting boundaries, finding your voice, claiming your life, is that you know what you have to say is going to be, on some level, hurtful to someone who you also love.

Even if you’re mad at her, you’re just so frustrated and could strangle her, you know that what you’re saying is going to be deeply unsettling on some level.

So, I find that women really want to think about this, how they do it, and it’s very important to be kind and compassionate and non-blaming, non-name calling. This needs to be gone about with care and compassion.

 


Postscript-

There are no easy answers, but I think it would be a mistake to only blame mom. Make no mistake- I am relentless in naming the many ways this good daughter dynamic is harmful to daughters.  Yet, I think I would be is remiss to lose sight of the attachment between mothers and daughters. Daughters feel a mix of feelings love and hate that compliment and contradict each other. And why wouldn’t they, mothers and daughters share so much.

Standing up to mom is hard- for good reason. There is an attachment to her, even if it is a painful one much of the time. You only have one mother. I don’t say that to make you feel guilty. Quite the contrary, in fact. After counseling women for over 30 years, here is the truth. I’m calling it as I know it-

If you don’t acknowledge the mix of feelings you will not be able to hold your ground when you confront mom’s hurtful behavior. You will crumble in a heap of guilt.

Even when you need to stand your ground, speak out and call out mom’s hurtful behavior. Understanding there are many daughters who are hurting and many mothers who are limited and impaired is a starting place. You are not alone. At times a daughter needs to speak her mind to clear the air even if her mother cannot take in what she is saying or hear her. Speaking your truth helps you.

Sometimes mom can’t or won’t come along. That’s ok.

To speak your truth is freeing and liberating. Do it for yourself. You are creating a new reality for yourself. You might say, “Mom – I feel ( frustrated, angry, sad, dismissed, forgotten) when you ( criticize, dismiss, ignore) me.   I want to have a good relationship with you but this gets in the way of that.” With kindness, understanding and the conviction that we, as women, can do better.

As daughters rising we must lead the way. Strong and kind don’t have to cancel each other out. Gratitude and truth-telling can coexist.

Find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

The change starts with you- Tweet it out

The good daughter of the difficult mother wants very much to feel love from her mother. She feels compassion for mom and doesn't want to hurt her. Click To Tweet” username=”daughterrising”]

Daughters feel a mix of feelings love and hate that compliment and contradict each other. And why wouldn't they, mothers and daughters share so much. Click To Tweet To speak your truth is freeing and liberating. Do it for yourself. You are creating a new reality for yourself. Click To Tweet When speaking your truth to your mother strong and kind don't have to cancel each other out. Gratitude and truth-telling can coexist. This is the new mother/daughter paradigm. Click To Tweet So, you finally get up the courage to speak your truth and it hits you like ton of bricks- this is going to hurt mom. You feel guilty for calling mom out. Click To Tweet Sometimes a daughter needs to speak her mind to clear the air even if her mother cannot take in what she is saying or hear her. Speaking your truth helps you. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: call-out, calling mom out, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Mom, standing up to mom, truth

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
5.0
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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