Updated October 5. 2024
( Covert Narcissistic Mother)
( For the audio version of this post, go to the end of the article)
You’ve read about narcissistic mothers… but the descriptions don’t exactly fit your Mother’s behavior.
Yes, she’s difficult; impossible is more like it… but instead of the loud, brash variety of narcissistic, she’s subtle, quiet, and more manipulative.
Just because she isn’t outwardly narcissistic doesn’t make her any less dangerous.
If anything, if she is a covert narcissist (sometimes called an inverted narcissist or vulnerable narcissist), she’s MORE dangerous- a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
She may seem loving and caring on the outside, but a darkness lurks underneath.
Especially if you don’t know what to look for…
She’s so good at manipulating, you wonder if she’s really narcissistic… or if it is all in your head?
All you want is- for Mom to be okay and okay with you.
No wonder you are confused. Anyone would be.
Never fear- I have clarity for you.
Stick with me until the end, and I promise you that her covert moves will no longer have the same power over you they once did.
First, ask yourself if any of the following feels familiar-
-An encounter with a covert narcissistic mother might look pleasant enough on the surface, but you come away with a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. Something is off. Instead of feeling supported and uplifted, you feel guilty, but you aren’t quite sure what you did wrong, if anything..
-And boundaries-well… because the covert narcissistic mother has an allergy to anything resembling a boundary, you have a hard time setting a boundary and an even harder time sticking to them.
In fact, you might feel guilty for even thinking about setting boundaries in the first place.
This reluctance or complete inability to set a boundary is due to the fact that covertly narcissistic mother doesn’t have any plans to let you go and grow away from her. Therefore- boundaries have no relevance in her agenda. When enmeshment is working just fine for her, a boundary is seen as the enemy.
-Bringing up touchy subjects always seem to go sideways or in circles. You become exhausted from trying to get your point across. While Mom never seems to tire of arguing, you wouldn’t say you get anywhere by talking.
Confused, you aren’t quite sure what goes wrong. Most strategies to deal with her backfire on you.
In the end, after an encounter with a covert narcissistic mother, you come away feeling bad about yourself, misunderstood and frustrated.
Here’s more clarity for you-
With a straightforwardly narcissistic mother, you come away feeling bad about her; a covert narcissistic mother leaves you feeling bad about yourself.
Why is this?
A covert narcissistic mother needs to be superior in the relationship. She is very good at disguising her hostility but, like any narcissist, she needs to inflict emotional pain or at least one-up you to feel she has won.
Defeating the other is a narcissists way to feel special.
Additionally a covert narcissist ( also known as the inverted or vulnerable narcissist) needs to play the victim. To this end, she must caste you as the perpetrator. The way she does this is to project her shadow side ( aspects of herself she can’t admit to) onto you. In this way you end up feeling like the “bad guy” -or girl in this case.
It’s a pretty neat trick if you can get away with it. And Mom may have been getting away with it your entire life.
When you know what to look for, it’s obvious, the damage done is there in plain sight – and has been there every step of your development.
Luckily for you, I’m here to show you just how it works.
Why would you listen to me?
As a licensed psychotherapist, I’ve been treating women for the past 35 years and have learned to spot every variation of these tactics – no matter how well disguised. I’m not anti-mother (having been one for the past 32 years) but I am adamant about revealing these unfair disempowering tactics some mothers perpetuate on their unsuspecting daughters.
Hurt people hurt people. Calling out the hurtful ways is the only way to break the cycle.
I know all the moves and can break them down so that you can see them for what they are, too.
Let’s begin to decode the covert narcissistic mother’s behavior and break her spell over you…
Here’s how the Covert Narcissistic Mother accomplishes the same goals as an Overt Narcissistic Mother.
A side by side comparison.
1) She needs to look perfect –
a) Overt NPD trait – These mothers may be dressed to the nines, botoxed to the max, and name-drop her latest posh vacation spot. It’s all about how it looks and how she looks to the world. Yes, it’s obnoxious, but also easy to spot.
b) Covert NPD trait– This Mom transfers her need to look perfect to you. You are what we call in the field her narcissistic extension. While she will brush off a compliment about herself, ” Oh, this old thing, I’ve had it for ages,” she needs you to be her show pony, perfect and polished.
While appearing to be the loving mother when there is an audience, she can be brutally critical of you behind the scenes.
She glows when you make her look good and has little tolerance for your struggles. She micromanages your every move and will ride you relentlessly, pressuring you to achieve success that reflects well on her.
Checking your email and text messages when you were younger or coming by uninvited when you are grown- she seems nothing wrong with her behavior.
She thinks you are hers- that you belong to her.
2) She can’t admit she is wrong.
a) Overt NPD trait – Braggadocious and obnoxious, this Mom argues your every point, never backs down, and never admits fault.
b) Covert NPD trait- the sneakier variety still can’t admit she is wrong and will engage in endless arguments but will do so in a roundabout way. For example, she may say, “What do I know? I’m only your mother. OR I was only trying to help”.
If she does apologize, it isn’t genuine and is frequently followed by a ” Yes, but you…”.
3) She has to be right-
a) Overt NPD Trait– Mom will tell anyone who will listen to what she thinks, and she thinks plenty. She will sound off and won’t back down, no matter the evidence to the contrary. Her need to be right stems from her need to feel superior.
b) Covert NPD Trait– Mom privately prevails on you to see things her way, although, with others, she keeps her feelings of superiority under wraps. With you, she can be relentless. She won’t quit trying to prove her point until you back down or give up your position entirely. You tel yourself, ” it’s just not worth it.”
And when you try your way and fail, instead of protecting your pride, no one can wield an ” I told you so” with more self-satisfaction than a covert narcissistic mother. Although you may be quick to dismiss it, you get the distinct feeling that she is competing with you.
4) She lacks empathy-
a) Overt NPD trait- Mom can’t put herself in another person’s place. Frankly, she sees no need to do so. Instead, she’ll bully and dominate without a second thought about how her actions land.
b) Covert NPD trait- Mom insists she is in your corner but tells you that you are just too sensitive if you show hurt feelings. She will blame you for the harm she causes and tells you her critical comments are “for your own good.”
She needs your buy-in to her cruelty.
5) She needs to win at any cost-
a) Overt NPD trait – Everything is a contest, and there are winners and losers. If Mom isn’t the winner, in her mind, she’s a loser. As a result, she will do anything to win.
b) Covert NPD trait—It will threaten. her if she can’t take credit for. The line in the Snow White fairy tale, “Mirror, mirror on the wall,” is very real to her. While most Mothers take pride in their daughters’ beauty and accomplishments, the Covert Narcissistic Mother is weirdly swings between appropriating your successes and being threaten by them.
She needs to take her daughter down a notch and is the master of the backhanded compliment and doublespeak.
6) She acts entitled-
a) Overt NPD trait – Somehow, the rules don’t apply to Mom. She breaks in line, lies, expects special treatment for no reason, and thinks others should do her bidding just because. Depending on the level of narcissism, this can range from bending the rules to out-and-out criminality.
B) Covert NPD trait – She is just as entitled yet gets her way through manipulation and has no trouble lying and making up the facts as she goes along as long as they fit her purposes.
However, her preferred ways to avoid being found out are gaslighting and artfully dodging the truth.
She feels justified in her truth-bending and will portray herself as the victim instead of owning up to victimizing another.
7) She exploits others-
a) Overt NPD trait – She uses people and then discards and devalues them when they are no longer of use to her.
b) Covert NPD trait- She might look as if she is close and caring, but in reality, Mom is collecting chips she hopes to cash in when she needs them. This includes appropriating her daughter to supply her needs.
Many times, the Covert Narcissistic Mother parentifies her daughter. She wants you two to be best friends – but only one friend is in charge. It isn’t a relationship of equals.
Bonus- Traits for the Covert Narcissistic Mother
8) Guilt-tripping-
Nobody, and I mean nobody, is better at making you feel guilty than the Covert Narcissistic Mother. She won’t be done with you until you show some sign that YOU are the one who shows remorse and culpability, not her. She needs you to go away with the feeling that you owe her something.
Your guilt is a credit she can cash in when she pleases.
9) Silent treatment and withholding affection.
If she is unhappy with you or feels you are out from under her control, she will give you the silent treatment. Her silence speaks louder than any words could.
Mom keeps the relational tension leash tight and doesn’t let up until you’ve shown your fealty to her. She keeps you second-guessing until you have figured out what she thinks you have done wrong and are working to get back in her good graces.
In this way, she uses your anxiety for control over you.
10) She says one thing and does another
Mind reading is a requirement to stay in Mom’s good graces. And since it is hell on earth to be outside of them, you are a willing student.
You need to watch for her gestures, an eye-roll, the rage cleaning, the slammed doors – all backed in with plausible deniability. ” What, I’m not mad- I don’t know what you are talking about. ” to know when she is displeased without having to own it.
11) She will play one sibling against another if it suits her purposes
Not afraid to pit siblings against one another to maintain her control, the Covert Narcissistic Mother plays favorites. She praises the child working to please or make her look good. This, of course, sets siblings up to be at odds with each other.
Mom will say she loves all her children equally, but her actions tell a different story.
12) She will make Dad’s life a living hell if he crosses her.
Dad is in a no-win situation.
Besides divorce, there isn’t any escape or hope for a better life as long he is with Mom. Mostly, men in this situation try to keep their heads down and go along to get along. Of course, this leaves their children with no protection or example of how to stand up to Mom.
Frequently, Mom won’t “let” her daughter have a relationship with her father without feeling highly threatened. Daughters pick up the unspoken rule- I belong to Mom.
Why is it so hard to tell if your mother is a Covert Narcissist?
We’re all familiar with the jerk at the bar, certain politicians, and the jerk of a boss you can barely tolerate. We even know to watch our back around the mean girl/neighbor/coworker who would sleep with our partner if given half a chance or throw you under the bus if it suits her purposes. With Narcissism so prevalent in our culture, we know the classic narcissist signs, and we know to stay away.
But when it comes to our very own Mother Dearest, it gets a bit trickier. A child needs her mother. She doesn’t have the luxury of moving out or finding another, so she follows a biological mandate to make it work, whatever it takes. Because she is used to putting Mom’s needs ahead of her own, she has normalized much of Mom’s behavior.
And it’s even trickier when the symptoms or traits are veiled, hidden, inverted, or covert.
If Mom is a Covert Narcissist, why can’t anyone else (including my family) see it?
Because women, especially mothers, are hyper-aware of what the culture expects from them, they know how to put on a good front. In fact, they are experts at it.
You will ( likely) find a supporting cast of characters behind the scenes, including an enabling passive father and (possibly) a golden child brother. The Narcissistic mother’s outside friendships tend toward the superficial. No one outside the family is allowed a backstage pass to her inner workings. Strangely, but not so strangely, she will have few to no really close friendships.
If Dad has stuck around, he has most likely made his peace with it by doing her bidding instead of protecting you or standing up for himself. He is very invested in not rocking the boat and will encourage you to do the same. With a “you know how your mother is,” the expectation is that she will get her way no matter the cost. Her social relationships are a mile wide and an inch deep, primarily designed for show.
Unless everyone has had enough and flown the coop, only her daughter will have intimate knowledge of her harmful ways. This can be confusing at best, isolating, and infuriating at worst.
So, what is Narcissism at its root?
What is the core of Narcissism?
Narcissism, at its core, is a problem of desperate insecurity. The traits or defenses we’re discussing here keep Mom unaware of the painful core reality she can’t face. At her very center, she feels unbearable unworthiness, shame, and emptiness. Thus, this is the reason for the show of specialness, manipulation, and entitlement.
It’s all a carefully constructed act.
If you are curious about how your mothers covert narcissism may have effected you go here.
You might be surprised.
Wake up so that you can find freedom from the oppressive chains of bondage to a dysfunctional relationship.
To listen- here is the audio version of this post)
You’ve taken an important step towards getting free. Here’s a guide to your next steps.
To find out if you are trapped in the role of the good daughter- take the quiz-
Suggested further reading:
When Mom Won’t Let Go https://daughtersrising.info/2017/12/13/when-mothers-wont-let-go-of-their-adult-daughters/
The Effect of Being Raised By A Mother With BPD https://daughtersrising.info/2021/09/20/bpd-mother-7-effects-she-has-on-her-daughter/
How a Covert Narcissistic Mother Affects Her Daughter https://daughtersrising.info/2024/08/06/7-damaging-effects-of-a-covert-narcissistic-mother-on-her-daughter/
Setting Guilt-Free Boundaries https://daughtersrising.info/2024/07/13/setting-guilt-free-boundaries-with-mom/
Passive Father https://daughtersrising.info/2024/03/26/dont-upset-your-mother-narcissistic-mother-passive-enabling-father/
The Good Daughter Syndrome® https://daughtersrising.info/2024/03/20/what-is-the-good-daughter-syndrome-do-i-have-it/
How to Deal with a Guilt-Tripping Mother https://daughtersrising.info/2022/11/20/guilt-tripping-mother/
What traits would you add? Let me know in the comments.
Frequently Asked Questions:
They transfer their need to be special to their daughters, whom they appropriate, criticize, and micromanage.
Not usually; most are passive-aggressive and use manipulation to get their way instead of bullying and overt force. However, when pressed, some covert narcissists will drop the mask and become more like their overt counterparts. The entitlement and aggression was always there- just hidden.
Covert narcissists ar also known as vulnerable or inverted narcissists.
Volatility, instability, mood swings, and the lack of resilience, are all traits of a mother with BPD.
A covert narcissist is a narcissist who disguises their need for power, admiration, and entitlement by appearing meek and vulnerable. Underneath it all, they are both driven to cover up their insecurity- just in seemingly opposite ways.
They play the role of the victim.
I found out the answer at 35 because of your help online. Thank you so much!!! God be with you as He is daily with me
Hi Emily,
Thank you for writing. I’m glad it helped.
Take care,
Katherine
I’m a 51 year old man, and decided to block my mother’s phone number . It felt like a new day the following morning and I looked up covert narcissist mothers and read this one confirming my experience with the control by subtle shaming for one example and I can’t exaggerate enough how serious it actually is. Now I need to ask if I will ever go back and in what circumstances. How to erect healthy boundaries for good. I owe her nothing.
Hi-
I’m recently divorced from a vulnerable narcissist and have split custody of our 6 yr old daughter. My ex wife’s anger was always targeted at me, but after she lashed out at our daughter in front of me– I realize she took my place & everything is redirected solely on her.
Do you know of any good resources for handling this? Her mom is an extreme vulnerable narcissist, on steroids with every trait magnified.
Thanks!
Hi Ivan-
How difficult it must be to witness your ex’s behavior towards the daughter you both share. It’s hard for you because you can’t go directly at your ex. You can, however offer your daughter a sense of stability and base your parenting on supporting her (your daughter’s) separate sense of self. Don’t underestimate how powerful the experience of a different way of relating to her can be.
You might have guessed this already, but the danger here is that/if your daughter feels the need to defend her mother. So you are best to tread lightly and not bring that on- as tempting as it might be.
This type of mother/daughter dynamic tends to produce a very enmeshed relationship. That is… your daughter may have a hard time differentiating from her mother and instead settle for being her ally.
If you are patient however- there will come a time when your daughter will most likely turn to you and need your help in sorting out her dynamic with her mother.
For now, my best guess is.. that you will have to settle for modeling a different type of parenting.
Of course it would be great if your daughter could form a relationship with a therapist where she could sort through her experience without feeling like she is betraying one parent over the other.
Best of luck,
Katherine
Are there any forms of free support for an adult living with a covert narcissist parent? I used to have a career, earning over 100 grand/yr living in NYC. I left my career, the plan for next phase didn’t go well, I went through my savings, and it was either move in with my mother or be homeless. 3 years later, I have no glasses, an expired ID, no bank account, and no phone. My name isn’t on anything. My sister owns the place and so, the second my mother dies, I am homeless. There is zero chance I’ll be able to stay here. My sister hates me. Actually, she cant be bothered to hate me. It’s just apathy. She won’t help. I technically am homeless since my name isn’t on anything. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. The amount of time it would take to save enough to move out… I can’t seem to be productive consistently. I have a couple weeks where I earn okay with the at-home closed captioning work I do (which is on an account in her name, not mine), but then I have weeks where I’m unproductive. The stress is overwhelming physically as well as emotionally. And every is soul-crushing. If it weren’t for my cat (who is the most loving animal ever and who relies on me) I’d have walked into traffic long ago. Obviously, I can’t pay for therapy, or I’d have done that from the start.
Hi E.Fay,
I have to say your comment left me somewhat at a loss… There is of course so much I can’t know reading your post. Mostly what I can say is I am so very sorry things look so dire for you. Depending on your state and community I don’t know what in-person resources are available to you.
So I will respond to your question- are there any free resources for an adult living with a covert narcissist?
In the past few years, there has been an explosion of folks that are sharing their time, effort, and expertise with you on the internet.
You, and anyone reading may discount these resources because they are free. Don’t make that mistake.
Most of us who write about mental health issues (who are individual authors) pour hours into researching and writing what we know. We write because we wished there was someone out there for us when we needed this information. The percentage of folks who purchase our paid offerings compared to how many read and benefit for free is minuscule.
Yes, the gold standard is individual or group help… however even those folks who come in for their first session with me have had the benefit of educating themselves from me and many others online- before we have our first session. This turbocharges what we are able to accomplish in much less time.
It is a win-win for all.
So while it certainly sounds like you need/want therapy ( which you say you can’t afford- and I get it) you can make a plan to read the many articles online about covert narcissism, make a plan to exercise, and meditate ( good youtube guided mediation videos to choose from) every day without spending a dime.
If any of the above speaks to you as useful I am glad, and if it is not a good fit for your situation, please disregard it.
I wonder if that girl who made over 100k in her career in NYC and felt like life was good at one time is still in there. Take one step towards self-sufficiency at a time and see how that feels. I’m rooting for you and your wonderful divine feline companion 🙂
Katherine
O.M.G!!!!! E. Fay I can SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO relate to you and your story….thank you for sharing….there is so much that you wrote of that hits the bulls eye for me. I just recently discovered this site and am learning so much. Unfortunately I am 74….not a lot of time left that I’m aware of but I’m getting energized just readking all that I can on this subject. It is giving me soooooo much comfort and understanding. And even hope that maybe it isn’t too late to make some changes for myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Hang in!
Hi E. Fay! I am in a similar parallel and deeply felt what you wrote. I was making 80k and then was laid off abruptly and I lost my apartment in Charleston SC. Grew up in MA but moved, as did my sisters, far from my toxic parents, and after 4 years no contact had to move in with them or be homeless. Been here for 2 years now. Father is a sociopathic narcissist and mother is a covert narc which I only realized when I got back here becasue her abuse was so hidden behind his overt rage and all the guilt bc of ‘how much she’s done for me’ lol. It took me so long to find work while being harrassed by both of them making me feel like a worthless failure all over again and finally was able to get a job as an Amazon driver making $20/hr-big change from before. It’s hard for us to not have all these things impact our sense of self worth especially when we grew up like we did-by narcs who only prioritize the external. I like what Katherine said about little by little. The rent aspect was something crippling me too as I can no longer work 40 hour weeks. I had to think outside the box. My plan is to trade my Civic for an RV and work at a library (peaceful not stressful) somewhere down south where there is sun for 3 days/week and taking months to travel. Also just had a work injury and have been using the 2 months off to study interior design which I like. I feel like finding something that isn’t mind numbingly boring for work is so crucial because that can help revive our weary spirits. Much love.
omg this story is crazy. i had to look TWICE at your name bc i thought somehow my own story got on here. i know you posted this in 2022, but if you do see this PLEASE REACH OUT TO ME!! there isn’t enough support groups (that are free) for children of narcissists.
Thanks so much for this. My mother is a covert narcissist who engaged in all of these behaviors, and my older brother is also like that. This led to me repeating these relationship patterns in romantic relationships and friendships until a couple of years ago, when I woke up and realized what was happening. I no longer interact with them because it’s too painful, and it’s been a long road recovering from all of this, but I’ve built a great life with my husband and stepdaughter. Sadly, my stepdaughter’s mother is also a covert narcissist, and now I see the same things playing out from an outsider’s perspective. My husband and I work hard to create a stable, loving, and positive environment at our home to counteract her experiences with her mom, but it’s still hard dealing with this person as a co-parent. Do you have any advice for dealing with a covert narcissist as a co-parent or any resources?
H I Alexis-
I’m glad you’ve found my article helpful, and good for you that you have managed to get some distance from the people in your life that are hurtful.
You ask a good question about what you can do as a stepmother as you notice your stepdaughter’s mother operating out of the same playbook.
Yours is a tricky role, as I am sure you are aware. You can probably make the most impact in an indirect way. You are kind of boxed in- in that if you criticize your stepdaughter’s mother, your stepdaughter will most likely come to her mother’s defense- not because you are wrong, but because young children tend to come to the dense of the most fragile parent. They can’t see the manipulation- not until they are much older, and even then- it needs to be her observation.
That leaves you in the position of offering an alternative way of relating. And she will see you and her father relating in a healthy way.
Indeed, it may take many years, but eventually, she will most likely be able to see it and appreciate your approach. I know that means waiting- perhaps years before you see any payoff. That will take huge amounts of patience, but I think in the long run will be well worth it in the long run.
Best of luck,
Katherine
Does it somehow sound like you may have to be a perfect mom in order to not be considered a narcissist? Just a thought
Dear Anonymous,
I imagine many readers out there might feel the same way. And, as odd as it may seem on the surface of it, I agree with your sentiment.
In my way of thinking, the opposite of a narcissistic mother isn’t a perfect mother… but one who is comfortable with her own imperfections.
She is open to listening and considering her daughter’s (or son’s) point of view, doesn’t have to be right or perfect, and can admit when she is wrong. She is able to offer a genuine apology when warranted and works to repair any hurt inadvertently caused by her actions because people don’t always feel what we intend.
She can be vulnerable and empathize. She can entertain her child’s perspective without vehemently defending her own.
Looking back as a mother of two grown daughters, I wish I had spent more time empathizing with them and less time trying to be some (culturally dictated) version of perfect.
Take care,
Katherine
My mother is a covert narcissist. I started seeing the odd signs when i went into therapy at a young age of 14 for an eating disorder and the therapist explain to me that my behaviors seemed to exist because of the relationship with my mom. My mom would constantiy yell at the therapist. It was nuts. now im 33 years old with a husband and two young boys and the manipulation, guilt, control, and shame still exist. My husband is tired of it. He wants me to cut off my mother but i dont know how because everytime I do she becomes more crazy and more MEAN. Her scariness has no limits and she wont stop until she gets what she wants which is a reaction out of me. Last time i cut her off for a year my therapist recommended a restraining order just bc my mom started coming to my house harassing me. We patched things up after that but its like she can only fake nice for so long before the monster comes out. I dont want to cut her off again because im scared of the blacklash. But how do i convince my husband to deal with the crazy?
Dear Niki,
I’m sorry you are having to deal with an extremely difficult situation.
I will respond with the understanding that I don’t know much about your situation and that you should consult with a therapist or another professional to dig into the particulars.
With that in mind- here are my thoughts-
From what you have written… I am to understand that a professional has already pointed to your mother’s role in your eating disorder, your husband wants you to cut her off, and a past therapist has recommended a restraining order.
From those observations, it looks safe to say people who care and know much more about your situation (either professionally or personally) see your mother as harmful to you.
But, if I understand where you are coming from… you say appease her a little, and she won’t be so bad. And you want your husband on board with that program.
You may think your mom is unique- and she may be… however If she is like my clients’ mothers, she may not be so unique. What she is doing and has done may fit a pattern that is recognizable.
I wonder if you know deep down that she (Mom) will never be satisfied with just a little- that she won’t stop until she has you totally under her control. That’s just how the personality-disordered mother is driven to act.
It is important now to look at the dynamics of a bully. They get their way through intimidation. Interestingly, covert narcissists will show their narcissism when they are challenged. In other words, you may have unmasked your mother’s narcissism by setting boundaries or limits.
It can unleash their sense of entitlement.
If this fits your situation so far (and it may not), you may want to ask yourself some questions-
If you give in to her bullying, where will your relationship with your husband be in 5 or 10 years?
What message do you want to send to your boys about standing up for themselves?
And last but definitely not least, do you find yourself working to appease everyone and never really considering what you want out of life?
If so, you can plot a new course for yourself if you are highly motivated. It isn’t easy and won’t be quick, but there is a way out of being held hostage by your difficult mother and claiming your life for yourself.
If you need more support I can help with my book The Good Daughter Syndrome®The Good Daughter Syndrome® .
I wish you all the best,
Katherine
Thank you for this article I related to all of it. I am the ‘good’ daughter, except for a rebellious streak as a teenager. My mum fits the bill perfectly and extracting myself is very difficult. I found that although covert, at home, when my dad wasn’t there, my mum was incredibly aggresive verbally and at times violent, when I was a young child and teenager, I was certainly afraid of her anger and that ‘voice’ she used in public which I knew meant trouble after. However, you say in the FAQs that covert narcissists aren’t agressive and dominant? I found that behind closed doors she expressed more overtly narcissistic traits. Reading this also reminded me that I learnt a lot of my coping strategies and behaviours from her – playing victim, finding it hard to take responsibility, being passive aggressive, although I am working on all of these, with the help of free programmes and therapy. My mum is like a social butterfly, everyone thinks she’s wonderful and I just feel sick with dread now when I have to have any contact with her. It was particularly helpful that you touched upon the role of the dad, my dad is exactly like you describe as is my ‘golden child’ brother. Where does it end? As they age do they soften or become worse? My golden child brother is getting married in May, I am dreading it. I know I have to go, I will take my husband and children. Do you have any advice for this type of occasion. The wedding is big, I have three brothers (none acknowledge fully the truth of our mother) and my mother is like a director at occasions, she wants us all to dance (inculding my young children) to her tune and show us off and criticise me, whilst making it look like a joke or try to demand affection and guilt trip me 24/7. I’m not overweight but I am already stressing about my appearance and thinking about losing weight to physically shrink myself and try to avoid her criticism, but also avoid people complimenting me because she will become jealous and start finding other ways to shame me. I’d really appreciate any feedback.
Dear Jade,
Wow, you have certainly learned and identified a lot. It sounds like you have been living a nightmare.
And bravo to you for doing your own therapy and claiming and rethinking your own coping strategies!
You point out something very important, and that is that any covert narcissist can behave overtly- given the right circumstance -perhaps the presumed privacy your mom thought she had when you were younger. Because narcissism, in all its varieties, is driven by the same underlying motivation. Your loss is their gain.
Sometimes they are a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and sometimes they are just a wolf.
Unfortunately, at this level (what you describe here), it becomes part of a family system with the golden child ( sometimes brother) and passive dad. As you point out, that makes it even trickier. Her tentacles reach into all the inner psychological workings of family relationships.
It is hard to extricate yourself from the system without knowing and addressing the underlying traps I talk about in my book, The Good Daughter Syndrome®. Moms like yours get their hold over you from very early childhood, and the unconscious agreements your survival brain makes just to get along can keep you tied to her needs instead of attending to your own.
Do check the book out if you need additional support. Breaking free from a mother (such as what you have described here) is very difficult, but it is possible.
I know you’ve asked for specific advice on your brother’s wedding. I could give you some ideas, but they would only scratch the surface without the deep internal work that needs to come first so that when you set boundaries and refuse to dance to her tune, and she pushes back… you are prepared.
From what you’ve written here, it sounds like you have what it takes to take on this huge but oh-so-important psychological and developmental task
Best of luck,
Katherine
Hello,
Just wanted to say that you give very thoughtful and helpful replies. Your information about these relationships is very insightful. Thank you for the time and effort you share here!
Jewell,
Thank you so much. I do like to go into the specifics and reply to the real-time questions and address the issues that come up for individuals. I so appreciate that you took the time to say this.
Take care,
Katherine
Hello ! I am 68 years old and I have 3 sisters. Each our turn every week we go spend the day with our 90 year old Mother.We bring her shopping, go to restaurant,visit friends,etc.
And it is never enough.
Finally after all these years We finally understand she is : A Covert Narcissist
She’s manipulated us our hole life. And now she is still doing it. The guilt trip because we won’t bring her living with one of us. It is Absolutely impossible ,she needs to much care.
She is living in the best place for her ,a 5 stars home for the elderly. We need guidance to know how to react to her demands.
Our Dad passed away a few years ago and now we know he was a saint living with her for 65 years.
If you have any suggestions ,we do not know what to do.
She does not have that many years left so we feel always sad and guilty .
Hi Lyse,
I hear you. It is a familiar story that just when you are hoping she would mellow… a narcissist can get worse, much worse with age.
It makes it so uncomfortable when you want to make her last years more pleasant and she makes it impossible to please her.
If you can take in the following advice- this will save your sanity.
I know it is easier said than done and is counter intuitive but the key is to stop trying to please her. Trying to please her only gives her ammunition to keep you in the game. Instead you have to make peace with yourself and your efforts.
Here is another blog post I wrote on the subject. https://daughtersrising.info/2021/07/16/how-to-deal-with-an-elderly-narcissistic-mother-12-tips-to-save-your-sanity/.
If it helps at all I hear from daughters of elderly narcissistic mothers. You aren’t alone.
Take care,
Katherine
Thanks for this brilliant article – it exactly describes my mother. Oddly, she wasn’t as extreme in these behaviours when I was a small child, but when her support system broke away and she got re-traumatized (she indeed had a horrible childhood), she started isolating herself and since then becomes worse and worse. I am 38 years old, still single and allowed my mom to live with me in my house (that I own, not rent) because she was always so helpless, poor and not in good health. For decades, I bent over and backwards (emotionally and financially) trying to help mom, make her happy and heathly and heailing her pain. It didn’t work.
I start to see through her games and build up boundaries. I realized how she made me stay away from relationships and friendship to only be with her. But still I feel loads of guilt when I think like this about my mom because “she did so much for me and is just a poor victim of her life”….It’s a long way indeed.
But my question is: How can I keep my sanity PLUS build an own life while living with her? She is over 70. The last thing I can and want to do is to kick her out of the place she calls home. But on the other hand, I still pay the mortgage for my house and cannot afford moving out and paying rent while keeping my house (I love this house, it is my dream house). She has no money because she cannot handle her finances. She is deeply in debt and has almost no rent.
Any ideas when no contact (or even hanging up the phone when it is too much) is no answer? Thansk a lot!!
Hi Sandra,
It sounds as if you, like so many daughters I counsel, feel conflicted about your mom. You love her and want to care for her but don’t want to relate to her in ways that make your life hellish. And the feeling that gets in your way of doing what you need to do is guilt.
This is primarily why I wrote my book, The Good Daughter Syndrome®. Because it’s not just like a bad boyfriend or even a bad husband that you can dissolve the relationship and put it behind you.
No, with a difficult mother, you may have very mixed emotions and you may need or want to be involved with her.
From what you have described, I can see how you have more leverage than you might be aware. There are things you can say and do that will put the relationship on a more healthy footing.
But first, you need to heal the little girl inside of you so that she can feel good about all of the changes that will bring you more peace. That is possible. Not easy but possible.
You sound like an incredibly generous and kind person. There is a way out… but it takes more than what I can write in. comment to a blog post. I think my book would help you. Read the reviews and see if they sounds like you.
You deserve to have other relationships in your life and to be happy.
Best of luck,
Katherine
Thanks for your article. I have been no contact with my parents for a few years now and moved to get better healthcare treatment.
My brother is definitely the golden child and won’t acknowledge anything bad my mom has done “she would never do something like that.” I’m saddened I have to go no contact with him too because he’s been trying to guilt trip me into calling her after I specifically set the boundaries to not talk about our parents or be pressured into talking to them.
My dad is an overt narcissist and they would frequently work together or fight each other. My mom admitted she provoked him to “punish” me and make me plea with her so she wouldn’t provoke him again each time she got any dirt on me.
Nowadays, my mom is playing victim to anyone who will listen that I abandoned and used her. I wish so badly there could be a path forward. I’m not even sure i would want to visit them on their deathbeds or go to their funerals.
Dearest Grace,
,
While you didn’t ask me a direct question… I just had to respond to all of what you wrote.
First of all, I hear the pain of dealing with two realllllllly difficult parents who played you one against the other- pretty evil stuff if you ask me.
Then your brother who is not only no help but refuses to honor your boundaries.
That must be so very hard.
Then this,… “ I wish so badly there could be a path forward.” I hear the angst, the heartbreak, the wish… no matter how slim or improbable.
I wish all of the parents of estranged children could realize that their children do not want to be estranged – that they feel they have no other choice but to do so. That it truly is a last resort for most.
And finally, their children are feeling real grief- often ongoing grief.
I hope you will check out my book, The Good Daughter Syndrome®. While it doesn’t focus on going no contact tt will either reaffirm your decision and help you feel more solid about it or it might open up a pathway you haven’t considered. At the very least, it has the potential to soothe the pangs of guilt/heartache you may have when you think about your decision and help you through this grief period.
Either way, I wish you the best, and I wish you didn’t have to feel this pain.
My best,
Katherine
My covert narcissist mother has an insatiable need to be needed. She wants to be who her kids and grandkids turn to for everything from advice to financial support. As a young adult – She would help me get a job so I could move out of hee house and when I became successful – she would cause me to get fired so I’d need to move back in or need help pating bills for a few months.
Her help was often a setup – she sent me away to college and was paying my room rent then suddenly stopped mid semester right when rent was due – forcing me to drop out and work to earn enough to fly myself home. She told everyone I quit school cuz ‘I couldn’t hack it”.
I got her to stop trying to make me need her by letting her pay for my kids tuition at private school. She paid for braces for them.
She would get upset if I paid for things for my kids. She would tell everyone how she had to provide for them because I wouldn’t. When my daughter was in college my mom hated when I would send my daughter money. (So I would send her even more) She wanted my daughter to only turn to her for everything.
When I wouldn’t stop helping – she started smear campaigns against me. Made my daughter think what I would say has a totally different meaning than it did. Got her to stop talking to me for 3 years and then 1.5 years.
I covert Narcissist blames one kid for their misery and turns the whole family against them over things that aren’t even happening. For example when my daughter was at the end of high school – I was filling out the FAFSA application. My mother said to get my taxes done. I was on disability at the time -which your not even allowed to file taxes on. I told her this and she told the family I refused to file because I was trying to make it so my daughter couldn’t move away for college. She had the whole family calling me asking me why would I do this to my daughter. I told all of them and emailed them proof that you don’t file taxes when on SSI. They still believed her. The worst was my daughter believed her. When the FAFSA processed with no issues my mom didn’t apologize for lying to everyone. She told me – “I gust want what’s best for her” She didnt care that making my daughter think i would do that to her hurt her. Its particularly crazy because I moved from Hawaii to California 6 years earlier just so my daughter could go to college as a resident. I didn’t know anyone in California. I was a single mom. Another example of fake support is she gave my x husband money to hire an attorney to get full custody then acts surprised and sympathet when I told her. She said – we are here for you. We will support you in any way you need. His lawyer hated women and was so underhanded that he later ban from practicing law. I represented my self and won. I found out she paid for his lawyer a few months later.
A covert Narcissist mother wants the grandkids to herself and stops at nothing to get it. Demanding weekly sleepovers (where she would t even spend much time with her) She lavishes them with expensive gifts. Consider all acts of kindness towards you to do with the kids as suspicious. I had to move back in for a few months when my son was 3.She started offering to drop him off and pick him up at preschool daily. Then she started insisting to do it. It seemed off – then I got a call from my stepdad saying I have to come to his office – also weird -so I refused and went and picked up my son early instead. His teacher was really surprisedtosee me and took me aside and said my mother was telling her I wasn’t able to care for my son and that she would be taking custody. She told me they were scheduled to have me committed against my will that afternoon . The teacher said it was obvious to her that she’d been lied to. I rushed back to my mother’s – packed and left before she came home. My stepdad said she flipped out screaming when she realized I got away.
Too many stores to tell here.
I didn’t know why so was horrible to me until about a month ago. I’m 56.
Wow- just wow. I’ve heard a lot of stories but this one takes the cake.
I am so very sorry you have been treated so horribly.
I hope you can get away from this toxicity and the farther the better.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think it will help others.
Take care,
Katherine
Hi and thank you for your enlightening writing. I am 41 years old and recently after reading your text I realized that my mother is a covert narcissist.
when i read all the points they all fit exactly with her behavior and how she has been throughout the years in my life.
she always got mad if I talked to my dad or wanted to do something with him and she wasn’t around. she behaved like a defiant 5 year old in her behavior.
she has always favored my elder brother.
when I was younger she could tell me that I had saggy breasts, that I behaved like a whore, etc.
the biggest and most energy draining through the years is her negative side to everything and everyone and that she is always a victim no matter what it is about.
guilt and shame she is extremely good at transferring to me.
1/2 year ago I got fed up with her behavior and asked her to talk to a speech therapist, but she got very angry with me then.
since then I have not spoken to her and now I have cut ties with her completely.blocked her number. it’s tough but at the same time I feel much better without her than with her Even if she is my mum.
Thank you so much for your text
Hi Sofie-
Thank you for writing. I’m glad the website is helping you sort things out for yourself. It is better to know what/whom you are dealing than to suffer wondering if you are the problem. It is too bad that some mothers are troubled people underneath and their vulnerable children pay the price.
It sounds like you have found the solution that is right for you.
I hope you will take care of yourself,
Katherine
This is an excellent article. The best I have ever read about NPD mothers, and I have been studying this for a while. Only significant part this is missing (in my case) is the “Are you OK?” and making you appear crazy and smearing you when you stand up for yourself or try and get her to understand your point.
This goes hand in hand with the “she holds onto your failures, waiting for the right time to throw them back in your face when it serves her purposes.” part. I was on SSRI’s for no more than 4 months due to anxiety a few years ago. This gave her the perfect excuse to act like I am having an mental breakdown or episode (which I have never done) and she still holds that against me and brings it out when she can to discredit me.
Hi Hugo-
Thank you for your comment.
Agreed- the “are you okay?” when issued to indicate that there must be something wrong with you or discredit you when you are calling them out or simply trying to get clarity -is a common play in a covert narcissists playbook to deflect away from their unacceptable behavior and put you back on your heels.
A person in a balanced genuine relationship says ” are you okay” out of caring. A narcissist is playing a zero sum game and relates in order to defeat their relational partner. As you have noted, this makes a world of difference.
Take care,
Katherine