Why does my narcissistic mother lie?
While I can’t be exactly sure, I have a pretty good idea. Let’s start with some observations.
Sooner or later everyone tells a lie. In fact, over a lifetime, we all tell many lies. The narcissist, however, is a liar. It isn’t just what they do, it is who they are.
In my work with daughters of narcissistic mothers, daughters frequently can’t wrap their heads around why their mother would lie. Needless to say, it hurts them and confuses them.
What’s the difference between a person who tells a lie and a liar?
When confronted with the opportunity, to tell the truth, or tell a lie, most of us check in with our inner-selves to see if our answer feels right. This gut check is a calculation that happens automatically mostly at the unconscious level.
This is true even for liars… and if mom is narcissistic, this is true for her.
Thus, we all act in accordance with our sense of… who we know ourselves to be.
The three-year-old, mouth rimmed with chocolate, who declares with impunity she was NOT the one who ate the half-eaten candy bar, is given a pass because we all know intuitively she doesn’t have a fully formed sense of self.
Narcissism is a disorder of the self. It isn’t so much an undeveloped sense of self as it is an impaired/fragmented sense of self. A self-based on opportunism instead of values. Life is a game and they play to win.
What happens when otherwise good people tell a lie?
Somewhere, somehow most people will lie. Given enough reason, fear or perceived gain, most of us will violate our sense of integrity, our internalized values. We make the calculation that an untruth is worth telling. If we aren’t a liar we feel bad, sometimes really bad.
We feel bad because who we know ourselves to be and our values don’t match up. This incongruence makes us uncomfortable. It costs us to lie.
What happens when a narcissist tells a lie?
The narcissistic calculation is a different algebraic equation.
A narcissistic mothers’ lie also comes from her sense of self. The difference is that her life has become a lie.
When her life becomes a lie, her lying is different. Different because her sense of self is different. The lie is not inconsistent with her sense of self. For her, the lie is a necessity to preserve what she regards as a self.
That self, however, is a set of defenses, not internalized values. That set of defenses stand as armed guards against a horrible cauldron of self-loathing of which she is mostly unaware. And, her defenses keep her unaware of the emotional pain that would otherwise swallow her up, or so she believes.
The secrets, the layers of lies, become a fragile house of cards. The self she has built from those lies can easily cave in on itself under the weight of truth.
Her lying is an act of desperation.
The narcissistic mother is operating from a place of defense all of the time. The lie is more a PR stunt, a marketing ploy rather than a cohesive integrated set of values. mom’s narcissistic personality is more of a storefront designed to hide that there isn’t any there, there. She can’t ever let down their guard and let anyone in.
There is no true capacity for intimacy. She can’t invite you into the store because the store is full of empty discarded garbage. She wants you to buy the fiction that the storefront is so dazzling you wouldn’t need to come inside. “Nothing to see here…move along”. She may have tons of acquaintances, be the life of the party but no one knows the whole story. There will be gaps in her stories and in her life.
She is marketing a self she wants you to believe. She needs you to believe the storefront is the store. These days that can manifest as a carefully curated Facebook page or Instagram Feed. If she is convincing enough to others then maybe, just maybe they can believe it too. She doesn’t experience it as manipulation or lying, not exactly… she feels it is necessary for survival, psychological survival.
What you don’t see – true humility and remorse for mistakes made. That takes self-reflection and honesty. If you look more closely and you will see she takes no ownership in her struggles.
What she says about her lies.
“I had to lie. You see circumstances were such it only made sense for me to lie. External conditions forced me to lie- I would be stupid not to.” What they are not saying is that their lie is an outgrowth of internal conditions or that it violated their values. There is no accountability for lying.
“The other person is so ridiculous/stupid/unreasonable they left me with no other choice. “ They put the responsibility for lying on the other person. “They made me do it.” Again you see the lack of accountability coupled with the denigration of the other.
“I am protecting someone by lying to them.” If they knew the truth it would hurt them. Not that everyone needs to know every thought or fact about our lives. However, the narcissistic mother will mislead, omit or outright lie about huge aspects of her life and tell herself she is protecting people, not hurting them.
All of these excuses reflect an impoverished and distorted sense of self. Paradoxically she isn’t lying… not exactly, she is speaking the truth of who she is.
It is confusing and damaging to have a mother who is distorting reality to you when she is the one you look to- to interpret reality.
- It bears saying that the fractured abusive childhoods that create the need for this level of narcissistic defense imprison their victims in lives that are hard if not near impossible to heal from. When a person lies as a manner, of course, they not only do relational violence to others, tragically, they do it to themselves.
Wondering if you are in the role of the Good Daughter of a narcissistic mother? Take the quiz – it’s free.
Hello.
Good article. I am a 63 year old woman who is just realizing and breaking free from my abusive, narcissistic mother. It has been the toughest fight and journey. I will make it. This abuser abused me physically and mentally. She took all the stuffing out of me.
I am breaking free. I am very poor because she also financially wreaked havoc on this area as well. What I have realized though, is I am free.
And that is worth millions to me! Free, free at last!
Thank you Deborah, I hear your pain and struggle but I also hear your joy. May your joy grow and your pain diminish as you chart your new path.
My mother is dyslexic and gets her words wrong e.g. she says blakes instead of brakes. She also lies on a regular basis e.g. she says her phone is, “up the wall” when it works and when I pull her up on any issues she says that I should know her by now and that I can’t take a joke. I am now 52 and she is 76 and it is still all going on. I always thought that when I got older she would change but no she hasn’t. It is her birthday in two weeks and I said that I would travel up to see her. I told her that I would stay longer than my partner is staying for (he is staying for 3 days to see his mother then driving back) and that I would get the train back. She said that she can’t be bothered with her birthday and that she is, “past it all” and not to bother and to go back home when my partner does. I am getting to the point where I don’t want any more contact with her, but I still want to have contact with her. It’s very confusing and I feel that my head will one day just explode with stress. I let her get away with it because she is dyslexic. Apparantly my nan got pregnant with her through her step father and I think my nan tried to home abort her and caused her brain damage. It’s very difficult. Can you help me with any advice on how to go forward and to make the best of the time that we have left together. Thank you.
Although I don’t know your mother individually of course I can see that I’ve seen people mix up one condition for another. To my knowledge dyslexia (which I actually have) shouldn’t affect what you communicate -even if it is difficult to do so. When she says she is past it all – is it a threat/manipulation or could she be depressed? In general, if she is like a lot of my client’s mothers your best bet is to try and get past tying your happiness to hers. She sounds like someone who is entrenched in ” not being please” and your trying and trying only makes it worse. I see a lot of good daughters waste a lot of time and energy thinking Mom will get better with age. In my experience, this rarely happens. Perhaps running it by a therapist or good friend you could come up with your independent assessment/plan for how you want to communicate with her- how long and how often that isn’t tied to mom’s happiness. You sound like a very caring person. My guess is, it isn’t you that is uncaring it is her determination to string you along expecting you to make her happy. Sadly you can’t but you might drive yourself crazy trying. If that is the case- don’t do that 🙂
why does my mom always have to start drama with me? It’s like she’s bored with herself or something.
Hi Nicole –
If your mother is like many I have heard about she could be trying to provoke you to prevent feeling something inside of herself. If she can externalize the thing that is bothering her internally she can get some relief from feeling it. This could be for several reasons. Many mothers like this have a need to project their insecurities onto you and get you to “hold” them. For instance, she may feel she has some negative quality but picks and picks at you until she can pin the negative quality on you and admonish you for “having it”. Another reason might be she puts you down or picks at you until you break so she can be the one to give you a lift up. If she is more of the borderline variety she unconsciously fears abandonment and will settle for you being in conflict with her rather than “ignoring her”- even when ignoring her is simply you going about your separate business. She may feel more relevant and connected even if you all are in conflict. It isn’t right but it is real.
My mother contacts me usually some time after I’ve “ignored” her and gone about ny own business. She says I’m keeping her grandchildren away from her and using them against her which I’m not. She tells an awful lot of lies and cries if I point out the truth. She then retaliates and throws all sorts of things in my face. It’s such confusing behaviour as she makes out her family is everything on FB and paints a picture of an angel.
It’s difficult for me to realize at the age of 33 that my mother fits this description. But she’s hidden behind a veil I cannot understand. She has called people that know me to try to let them know “who I really am”… deliberate sabotage. I don’t understand how she can sit here and pretend there’s nothing wrong with her and pretend she’s my mother when different people have told me she has called them before. What does she want to achieve with this? I have lived with her all of my life, we have been peaceful and I thought we were close. But now I don’t know who I’m looking at… this is what drove me to find information.
It sounds like your mom has a very unstable sense of self. She might be more interested in representing an image of herself she can’t quite live up to… and then (incorrectly) blames it on you when it is she who, in fact, can’t keep up the self she “advertises” to others. Most likely, on some level, she believes her fiction.
I’d be curious to know what happens when you confront her? If you decide to, let me know what her response is.
Good luck,
Katherine
I’m 35 year old man. And my mother has always been over bearing and thinks I’m not capable of being a responsible adult. Even tho I’m happily married, have a child that’s happy and healthy. I have been successful with my career as a crane operator for the last decade. But lately I have been seeing on social media where my mother has been Lieing about what she does for a job. Even lied about her mother being dead in a comment she made on some news article post. I’m starting to kinda think maybe my mother is a narcissist now that I’m putting the pieces together. Between the way she has always tried to control every decision my sister and myself make. And now with the lying I have seen on social media. I havnt called her out on the social media posts. But I’m concerned.
Hi Jason-
I imagine this is very disturbing to you.
It would be interesting if you could confront her in a calm way- just the two of you, not calling her out in a public way. If you have the social media “evidence”, you could ask her to explain to you.
Keep in mind- if she is forgetting things she might be suffering from dementia. That would be important to rule out which is why it is best to go about these things calmly but firmly.
Best of luck to you,
Hi. I have realised after years that my mother constantly lies to me. She treats me like I am stupid and I feel this is damaging me. After a visit I come home and it can be a couple of days before I feel upbeat again. My sister is just as bad. I have said to them both ‘ just tell me the truth I can deal with the truth’ but I can get one story from my sister that totally disagrees with my mums. The worst part is they dont seem to care that I know they are lying to me which makes me feel worthless. I am at my wits end mentally. Its got so bad now that even if they told truth I dont think I would believe it. Any advice please.
Thank you
Hi Sandra,
I can imagine it feels so hurtful to realize those close to you are not being real with you. It is easy to make the mistake to equate their lying with whether or not you deserve to be told the truth. However, by equating their lying behavior with your self-worth, “The worst part is they don’t seem to care that I know they are lying to me which makes me feel worthless.” you give them tremendous power over you, and chances are you are wrong.
They lie because they are liars, not because you don’t deserve to be told the truth.
Best of luck,
Katherine