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When Mom Looks to Her Daughter To Be Her Emotional Partner- Why Maternal Parentification Is a Problem

April 18, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

( Here is what maternal parentification looks like) 

“Help, my Mother won’t let go- Mom calls me many times a day and I  don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can.I know this hurts her feelings but what she doesn’t realize is this – “I am swamped with guilt,  I feel suffocated and resentful. Where did I sign on to be her emotional partner? I wish she would let me live my own life. “

As a psychotherapist for over 30 years, I have heard this more times than I can count. 

Daughters who just want the space to live their own lives without mom’s emotional clinging.

The reason for mom’s over-involvement range from full-blown personality disorder to differing cultural expectations. If mom is Narcissistic, Borderline or Addicted her attuned daughter may be trapped in the role of the good daughter.  She takes on an emotional burden that was never supposed to be hers.

How does this happen?

Sometimes mom is divorced and hasn’t successfully recoupled. Other times mom has checked out of her relationship with her husband and has a long-standing pattern of looking to her daughter for emotional support. Either way- When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary partner, instead of their partner or peer this interferes with their daughter’s emotional growth. This makes her daughter feel guilty for growing up and leaving home.

Looking to daughters for this level of closeness is called parentification and holds daughters back from living their lives. 

When mom has serious psychological difficulties, this difficult dynamic is put on steroids! Mom goes nuclear if she detects her daughter is pulling away. Using epic levels of guilt, the disturbed mother will stop at nothing to bring her daughter back into her realm of influence.

The unspoken rule is this- the daughter is responsible for mom’s emotional well-being. 

Letting go of your daughter will break your heart and is the most important gift you can give her. I should know.

Either way, these daughters end up feeling a debilitating guilt for their natural strivings for independence. If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped inside of an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of making a healthy separation for herself. This is very unhealthy for her daughter.

To find out if you are in the role of the “good” daughter – go here.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Romantic Relationship Issues Tagged With: Daughters, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Independence, parentified daughters, parenting daughters

Comments

  1. Dawn Hopkins says

    September 22, 2018 at 3:35 pm

    I’m in absolutely no doubt ….I am the good daughter…..I’m beginning to heal. But..my little sister is feeling the same, and even more difficult for her is she’s my mom’s primary care- giver., As I was for many years. I GOT AWAY! Continue to struggle with guilt..but I have the option of no contact. My sister doesn’t., And I feel a genuine sense of empathy for her and she knows this. So…it’s complicated. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge so women don’t feel so alone in this issue.

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      September 23, 2018 at 4:28 pm

      Thank you for writing. Let your sister know there are still things she can do to protect herself even in the light of feeling stuck. I can tell you feel for her despite having gotten away. I invite you to break free of the guilt- I know no small task, but at least let it into your consciousness. No one should be held hostage of another person’s demands no matter what the bloodline.
      My best to you,
      Katherine

      Reply

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The Good Daughter's Guide to Freedom

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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