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Are You Unfairly Blaming Mom ? – Here’s How To Tell

October 11, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

Do daughters revel in their anger towards their difficult mothers? Are they just too sensitive? 

Do they enjoy blaming mom? If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother. Although it might look this way on the surface, in my 30 years as a psychotherapist, I find quite the opposite is true.

 I find most daughters want to feel love from and towards their mothers. They desperately want to believe their mothers are capable of giving them that love. Especially daughters of Narcissistic or Difficult mothers long to feel the love and approval, which often is just out of reach. Blaming mom, truly blaming mom is the last resort for daughters of limited/damaged mothers.

It is easier to blame themselves. Here’s why daughters are more likely to blame themselves rather than blame their mother-

If they blame themselves and work to be better ( whatever that means), then at least there is hope for getting the mothering they need. They operate under the illusion that if only they were good enough, then mom would feel okay enough footing to give them the love and acceptance they long for.

When they don’t get that love, they decide that they are unlovable. They carry that shame with them throughout their lives.

Watch below to see what I mean- 

If this is your story- you work so hard for mom to be happy with you. Then you spiral down into feelings of resentment and anger as you drown in doubt that you will ever be good enough for mom. You don’t want to feel angry and resentful. To feel this angry hurts your heart and wears you down. It is exhausting and erodes your self-confidence.

So many daughters trapped in the role of the “Good daughter” keep trying to be good for mom in hopes that she will approve of them.

Why do daughters cling to the idea of an all-loving mother even though this runs contrary to her experience?  

 A part of us holds out mother love as a guarantee, a right, a law of the universe. Despite evidence to the contrary, this mythology persists. We cling to it. We insist it is true. It hurts too much to give up on the cultural ideal.

As a result, the good daughter feels unlovable if she doesn’t experience that love from mom.  You are neurologically programmed to make it work, no matter who your mother is or what her problems are. Because you start as dependent on Mom as a young child, you will twist yourself into a pretzel to create some sort of attachment to get what you need or an approximation thereof.

But the truth is….mothers are only people. People who have had disappointments and injuries of their own.

People who, many times, have lost touch with what is best about them. Some are cruel, deeply flawed, and pass down unspeakable harm. Some are slightly difficult, never take ownership of their flaws or let you down in ways that are hard to get over.

You may ask yourself, am I doomed? I would argue no, you are not doomed. However, if you are like me and many I have counseled, I’d say there are two traps you are in danger of falling into.

1) Force yourself to be grateful for what you got from mom.

2) Stand angry, accusatory, and feel forever broken.

Neither stance is helpful, and here is why- One keeps you stuck in denial, and the other keeps you stuck in anger.

Here’s how this works-

1. Deny that mom is hurting you and force yourself to focus on the positive. She is your mother, after all. By making her right when she is hurting you and making you wrong – you protect mom at your expense.

The problems with this are two-fold.

A) You repress your feelings. They don’t go away.  As the dysfunction continues, you don’t get closer to mom, only more enmeshed.

B)  What you don’t pass back, you pass on… acting in ways towards your own daughter that hurt her while you can’t see it. And what you can’t see, you can’t change.

2. Stay stuck in anger. Gather up evidence of your mother’s wrongdoing so that you will feel right by making her wrong.  Blame all of your life’s problems on her and never move past the feeling of being a victim. You need her to be wrong for you to feel that you are right.

You can’t work through the feelings if you deny them or remain a victim of them.

So what can you do?

There is a 3rd way.

This is the conscious way. Your grief and disappointment around what you didn’t get from mom can serve as a portal to an expanded consciousness. By accepting that mom is human and thus prone to being flawed herself – you can move into an adult conscious stance with her and, more importantly, with yourself. You can start taking care of yourself and living your life to the fullest.  By facing the upsetting emotions, they stop controlling you. Consciousness is power.

In fact, you can empower yourself by making conscious decisions about what to do with this grief you didn’t choose to feel.

Although this may at first seem counterintuitive, there is a way in which you can turn the feeling of being a victim of your difficult mother into conscious awareness that makes you a more compassionate and empowered person. You tap into the vulnerability that makes us all connected and the kindness that heals us.

But don’t stop there. After facing the feelings you have about your upsetting relationship with your mother, use that energy to propel yourself into adulthood. Taking an adult position with your mother is neither the blame position nor the doormat position.  It is the mature position.

As you work to become aware of ways you have been harmed, set healthy boundaries, and heal your heart, you elevate your consciousness, move through the stuck feelings, and develop in yourself powers you never knew were there. When it comes to your mother, you are only a victim or a doormat if you choose to stay one.

Access all of the information here on this site-  Arm yourself with the psychological knowledge available to you here, and create inner resolve to take your life back. If you need one-on-one help, contact me here. 

To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role- go here.

Find your voice. Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

In my experience, I find most daughters want to feel love from and towards their mothers. They desperately want to believe their mothers are capable of giving them that love. Click To Tweet But the truth is....mothers are only people. People who have had disappointments and injuries of their own. Click To Tweet By accepting that mom is human and thus prone to being flawed herself - you can move into an adult conscious stance with her and more importantly with yourself. Click To Tweet When it comes to your mother, you are only a victim or a doormat if you choose to stay one. Click To Tweet

Audio-

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Audio-Are-You-An-Ungrateful-Brat-Or-A-Long-Suffering-Victim-Of-Your-Narcissistic.-Difficult-Mother_-8_18_17-8.58-AM.m4a

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Parenting Issues

Daughters of the Lie: ( Patriarchal) Lies Your Mother Told You and the Truth That Will Set You Free

September 27, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

 

” I know what I should do. I just can’t make myself do what I need to do.”  After 30 years of listening to women in psychotherapy, I have heard the same problems over and over. The mother, who can’t stop micromanaging her child and wonders why she is floundering. The wife, who is stuck in a loveless marriage doing it all, and can’t bring herself to leave. The single mother, who always gives more than she gets, and settles for far less than she should.

They all know what they should do. But they can’t bring themselves to do what they know. The voice of self-doubt drags many of these women down and pins them to lives that are far less meaningful and satisfying than they could be. Where-oh-where is this voice of self-doubt coming from?

This voice is no stranger. In fact, the voice whispering at the edge of my client’s awareness is the first voice she heard. It is the same voice that soothed, comforted, and encouraged her. This voice was the voice who first delighted in her daughter’s very existence. This is the voice, and face, of her first love. This is the voice of the mother whispering the lies of the patriarchy.

How can a mother who loves her daughter harm her?

Most likely she wouldn’t, not unless she was harmed herself and carries this hurt at the unconscious level. You see, many times, Mom was confused. She was trying to meet the impossible standards, expected of women in her time. She was trying to live up to the patriarchal ideal of femininity and motherhood.  According to this patriarchal standard of a good mother, mom must be selfless.

Likewise, she must be pretty, and demure enough to attract a man, but she mustn’t be a sexual creature. Anything else and she was considered cheap and/or easy. She walked a fine line between pretty and slutty, womanly and chaste.  A fine line to walk, indeed, since she was held responsible for the behavior she evoked. Mom had no choice but to buy into the rules.

Mom didn’t make the rules, she obeyed them. She saw firsthand the women who dared break them.  She saw the friend, who became pregnant, fall into poverty, her hopes and dreams of economic security dashed.  She saw the woman, who dared to divorce the husband who beat her, shunned by her fellow church “friends” or neighbors.

At work, mom was expected to deny herself. No one wanted to know about her discomfort. She suffered through control top pantyhose and high heels that pinched. Power suits her only amour as she fought for relevance in the male-dominated and created, world of work. Mom frequently bumped her head on invisible glass ceilings that held her back and down. Shoulder pads, in fashion at the time, squared her shoulders as she also shouldered the lion’s share of responsibility at home, many times following a hard day at the office. Double standards were so much the codified norm; mom didn’t think to question them.

Every woman knew implicitly, this was the price to pay for having it all.  If a woman didn’t play by the unspoken but keenly felt rules, she suffered. What’s more, mom saw first hand, the jealousy and petty envy that targeted women who were successful in their own right. And mom became very afraid, afraid for her daughter.

So this voice fearful for her daughter cautioned her not to be too much, want too much, or feel too good. The message, right at the edge of awareness, whispered,  to be a good girl and a good daughter, you must not live too large, ask for too much, or be too much trouble. You must put yourself last.

This is how a mother passes the mark of the patriarchy to her daughter.  To stay attuned and aligned with mom, her daughter feels the pressure to bear this mark, many times at the unconscious level. In this way, mothers and daughters can form an alliance based on their mutual agreement to remain small. To remain undifferentiated and underdeveloped is encouraged. To be good for mom, to remain the “good daughter” is to carry out the patriarchies’ mandate.

The payoff for mom is that her daughter, bearing the mark, will never leave. Mom conveys the message that says, “As my daughter, you are never to break this spell.  As prisoners of this curse, we will stick together and never grow apart.” Our pact is this: “You will never grow up completely and, in return, I promise to never leave you.” In this way, the mother casts the patriarchal spell onto her nearest and dearest, her daughter.

But leave, and be left, is the way forward in health. To grow, the daughter must leave, and the mother must release her daughter into her own life. The daughter must grow beyond clinging to, and blaming, her mother. Instead, she needs to stop living to please her mother and learn to please herself.  To please herself, she must first come to know herself. And to know herself, she must shed the messages of the patriarchy.

Some daughters never reach this stage and settle for living small and clinging to mom. It is too scary, too disruptive & too messy to do otherwise. For the evolved daughter who says….. enough! She has a hard road ahead.

She is the one who will pay the price, the price of freedom from the patriarchy. Specifically, she is destined to grapple with the patriarchal messages passed down by her own mother. She must navigate the treacherous journey through guilt, sorrow, betrayal, leaving, and being left…. all a part of her journey towards freedom. This can be hard lonely work. Yet engaging with and working through stages of anger and grief, is the only way the daughter of the patriarchy can break free.

Just as her ancestors were burned by the millions, she now must torch the lies that tell her she isn’t good enough; even those lies come from her own mother. Only then can she burn off the patriarchal untruths to render the truth of love and compassion for herself. Renewed, she will refocus her energies and learn to source her own internal wisdom. The wisdom her mother had to suppress. This is the wisdom of compassion, intuition, and acceptance.

This Feminine wisdom has lain dormant for centuries stomped out by the patriarchy. So the daughter of the patriarchy must reach back…to a time long, long ago. The Daughter of the Lie must leave the home of her mother, and return home to her true Feminine Power.

She will crawl in the lap of the Sacred Feminine, and rest in the knowledge that she is enough, just as she is.  When she knows this deep in her bones, She can stop doing, and lean into being. Listen, rather than broadcast. Respond intuitively, rather than control. Her time is now. Then she will fly.

Only then, can she get her wings back. The wings that were clipped so very long ago, before her mother’s time, and before her mother’s mother’s time. All the way home, to a time where the true Feminine was regarded as powerful and sacred, the mother of all truth.

[This is adapted from my book Daughters Rising- Rising Above the Hidden Messages of Guilt, Shame and Self-Doubt Mothers Pass Down to Daughters. ]

To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter Syndrome -go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out!

According to this patriarchal standard of a good mother, mom must be selfless. Likewise, she must be pretty, and demure enough to attract a man, but she mustn’t be a sexual creature. Click To Tweet The voice of self-doubt drags many of these women down and pins them to lives that are far less meaningful and satisfying than they could be. Click To Tweet The message, right at the edge of awareness, whispered, to be a good girl and a good daughter, you must not live too large, ask for too much, or be too much trouble. Click To Tweet To be good for mom, to remain the “good daughter” is to carry out the patriarchies’ mandate. Click To Tweet In this way, the mother casts the patriarchal spell onto her nearest and dearest, her daughter. Click To Tweet The daughter must grow beyond clinging to, and blaming, her mother. Instead, she needs to stop living to please her mother and learn to please herself. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Audio-Daughters-of-the-Lie-Lies-your-Mother-Told-You-and-the-Truth-That-Wil-Set-You-Free-8_17_17-10.11-AM.m4a

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues

Being Good For Mom Can Be Bad For Her Grown Daughter

September 22, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

overall1

When is “good for mom” bad for you?

Do you work hard to be good for mom, make mom look good or make sure mom is good with you?

Do you seek her approval yet secretly wonder if this is in your best interest? You may feel inadequate, struggle with self-doubt, and not know exactly why?

Could it be that your mother relates to you in a toxic way that undermines your confidence and self-esteem you are so used to it – you can’t see it?

It may seem normal to you that you second guess your every decision and apologize constantly. You aren’t quite sure where you end, and your mother begins. You may be so used to living this way you aren’t even aware that life could feel any different.

What drives a toxic mother/daughter relationship? Underneath many a demanding or controlling mother’s facade is an insecure person who worries she will be found out.  Or the flip side of the same coin,  mom may be a meek and mild wounded mother who isn’t outwardly critical but drags her daughter down in more subtle ways.

Narcissism/Borderline/Histrionic personality disorders or traits of these disorders can be overt or covert. At the root of all of the personality disorders and traits is a desperate insecurity that drives mom to act in destructive ways. 

Good for mom/bad for you works like this-

Deep down, a mother who has little self-worth needs her attuned daughter to boost her sense of self. The daughter, in the role of the “good daughter,” picks this up at the unconscious level. She experiences herself as an extension of mom and without being fully conscious of why she works at being “good” for mom. Many times the “good daughter” knows, or suspects, her difficult mother is narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, depressed, or codependent. What she does knows for sure, however, is that she is very attuned to the effect she has on her mother.

Many a difficult mother plays on the Good Daughter’s eagerness to please. The daughter’s childlike self-has a very hard time telling mom things she knows mom doesn’t want to hear. Even adult daughters have an almost 6th sense of how mom is feeling about herself and may sacrifice themselves for their mother’s well-being by letting mom run roughshod over her boundaries or put mom’s needs first.

Here are–3 signs you are being good for mom at your own expense. 

1) You know the phrase all too well, ” If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” You will do just about anything to keep mom happy. Even if it means making you, your husband, partner or children unhappy.  As much as you hate to admit it, making mom happy comes first.

2) You try extra hard to be “good” for mom. You are hyper-aware of how your actions make your mother look to others. You let this dictate much of what you do and say.

3) You run all of your major life decisions by mom first. If she doesn’t think you should take the job, marry the man, change your hairstyle, you second-guess yourself. Mom’s opinions matter way more than they should.

 

What’s wrong with this?

When a daughter, in the role of the “good daughter,” feels she owes mom her happiness, neither party is served. This cycle can be insidious and fueled by guilt such that many a daughter is unaware that her life has been hijacked by mom’s problems, her insecurities. The Good Daughter buys into the unconscious fantasy that says if she is good enough mom will be O.K. The problem is…she may spend a lifetime, waste a lifetime, trying to be good enough for mom.

And her own daughter will suffer.

Because she is so tied to being good for mom, the adult daughter of the difficult mother has a hard time being an effective mom to her own daughter. She doesn’t know where to set limits with her daughter or how to model valuing herself. Her daughter may see her as a doormat or experience her as chronically stressed and unhappy.

Also trying to make mom happy doesn’t work on an ongoing basis. It can’t work because change, like happiness, is an inside job. You cannot GIVE your mother self-worth.

What can you do?

You can learn how to get out of the good daughter traps set for you. You can learn how to set healthy boundaries, tap into your feminine power, rewire your brain, and parent your own daughter from a place of confidence. There are patterns that are not serving you, once realized, can be healed. By clearing up this toxicity in your relationship with your own mother you supercharge your ability to parent your own daughter.  One impacts the other in powerful ways.

When will you say enough? “I want to clear away the blocks that keep me from being the best mother I can be. The cycle of shame, guilt, and self-doubt stops here.”

Find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter Syndrome -go here.

Find Your Voice. Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

It may seem normal to you that you second guess your every decision and apologize constantly. You aren't quite sure where you end, and your mother begins. Click To Tweet Being Good For Mom Can Be Bad For Her Grown Daughter Click To Tweet You cannot GIVE your mother self-worth. Click To Tweet By clearing up this toxicity in your relationship with your own mother you supercharge your ability to parent your own daughter. One impacts the other in powerful ways. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

Audio-

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Audio-Do-You-Have-A-Narcissistic-or-Difficult-Mother-3-Signs-She-has-Passed-Her-Insecurities-to-You-8_13_17-6.41-PM.m4a

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Parenting Issues Tagged With: Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother

Difficult Mom? The Secret To Letting Go & Moving On

September 13, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

Can your mother empathize with you? Can she get past her defensiveness and put herself in your place? What if the answer is no? What if she doesn’t get you and never will. How do you let go of the hope that she will and move on with your life? What if you need to get past this, claim your life for yourself and parent your daughter.

First of all -this can be hard, very hard. Those of us who have traveled this road can tell you, there are are some things that don’t get better just because you continue to try.  Trying to get a mother understanding when it isn’t in the cards is one of those. There comes a time when you need to be your own witness.

As hard as this is, it may be the only way to freedom. Trapped in the role of the “good daughter” of your difficult mother, you bear the mark of your mother’s pain in this way- You have put your mother’s needs ahead of your own. In the relationship dynamic, you had no choice. To end this cycle, you might need to face the fact that justice is only going to come from you, and that will have to be enough.

The little girl in you wants for mom to understand and approve of you. You have worked so hard to be good for mom. But what if you need for her to understand that she is hurting you and she just can’t give you that one? Because of her limitations, she can’t put herself in your shoes and see things from your perspective. Some mothers just can’t.  And you have your own little girl looking at you…needing you. She needs you to be there for her. It is decision time.

At some point, the only relevant question becomes whether or not you are going to spend a lifetime trying to be heard and seen by someone who just can’t see you or hear you. If you’ve talked yourself blue in the face and find yourself always on the defensive, chances are there isn’t anyone home- psychologically speaking. At least not enough of reflective self to take in what you have to say. Whether she is narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, depressed, addicted, a toxic combo or you have simply hit a hot-button issue, she might be incapable of taking in what you have to say.

How do I know? I’ve heard many a daughter, trapped in the role of the Good Daughter on my therapy couch describe this same scenario over and over. Unconsciously, you blame yourself and stay tied to a mother who can’t truly empathize with you falsely thinking if you could only get it right then mom will understand and accept you.

If mom can’t empathize with you, you cannot experience the understanding you hungry for. So, one more explanation that falls on deaf ears is one too many. Let me save you some time, trouble and possible therapy dollars. As difficult as it is, at some point, you are better off cutting your losses, grieving and moving on. Calmly, peacefully and thoughtfully, but definitively.

To continue in the exhausting exercise of explaining yourself reaches a point of diminishing returns.No one can tell you where this point of diminishing return is. You have to sort it through for yourself. No contact, low contact or reconfigured contact. But somewhere, sometime, you will need to let go of explaining yourself to get free.

Whether you are giving up being understood on a certain hot-button issue or need more of a relationship overhaul, that is up to you. Either way, giving up and letting it drop is hard. Mom may have limitations she cannot get past. Staying angry with her doesn’t necessarily get you anywhere. It only keeps you stuck and feeling guilty. The positive grown-up thing to do is to accept the loss and give up wishing she was different. You can use that same energy to decide to be different yourself.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome – go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

There are are some things that don't get better just because you continue to try. Trying to get a mother's understanding when it isn't in the cards is one of those. Click To Tweet But what if you need your mother to understand that she is hurting you and she just can't give you that one? Click To Tweet Unconsciously, you blame yourself and stay tied to a mother who can't truly empathize with you falsely thinking if you could only get it right then mom will understand and accept you. Click To Tweet You were marked with your mother's pain. You don't have to pass that mark on to your daughter. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

Audio

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Audio-Will-Mom-Ever-Understand-You-What-to-do-if-she-never-does-8_17_17-10.25-AM.m4a

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL CLOSER TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND RAISE HER SELF ESTEEM – 3 HOW TO STEPS

Do You Want To Feel Closer To Your Daughter And Raise Her Self-Esteem?
3 Easy “How-To” Steps...
That Work Like Magic!

new-guide-photo

This is how we rise.

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Parenting Issues Tagged With: Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Questions, Self-Doubt

Are You A Chronic People Pleaser? This Could Be Why – ( Hiding behind a False Self)

August 30, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

How the people pleasing false self develops.  

Was saying “No” to mom simply not an option?

“No mom, I don’t want that.”

“No mom, I’d rather not do that.”

“No mom, I can’t help you with that.”

If it wasn’t acceptable to be your real self with mom you needed to develop a faux or false self. A mask you wear to mom and now to the rest of the world. Because the relationship with mom is so foundational you don’t trust anyone can accept you for who you really are.

Particularly vulnerable are daughters of Narcissistic/Difficult mothers. They often develop in childhood what Alice Miller calls a “false self”. This false self-develops to cope with the demands of being raised by a mother who needs her daughter to be better than she is.

Instead of feeling unconditional acceptance from her mother, the daughter’s false self-knows exactly what is expected of her and strives to please mom at the expense of her authentic self.

The false self is approval seeking, people pleasing and dangerously detached from the essential/authentic self. To break free, she must first know what purpose the false self-serves.

Learn more here-  ( remember to click on CC to read with the sound off)

Transcription

How people can develop a false self early in childhood and become detached from their authentic feelings. One concept that comes up a lot when I’m talking to women is Alice Miller’s concept of the “false self.” This is formed in childhood when your authentic needs and impulses are responded to by a lot of upset from a parent. Then a parent, because of their own unmet needs, a need for reassurance and validation, inadvertently many times uses the child to be the reassuring or the performing or reassure the parent that they’re a good parent. They need the child to be a hyper-adult, to be finished and more advanced than they can be developmentally. Alice Miller calls this a “false self.” The child develops a people-pleasing false self that looks good on the outside but is really disconnected from the internal developmental needs. A lot of daughters with this false self will be people-pleasers. They will make everybody else happy but not themselves but have a sense of emptiness, of chronic emptiness and disconnection from their real selves. They’ll be taking care of everybody and wonder along the line, “What about me? I’m doing this for my mother or somebody else, and I know it’s what they want from me, but when’s it gonna be my turn?” Many things can happen with this chronic feeling of emptiness. They can drink too much, eat too much, do too much. to fill the emptiness they feel.  There are all kinds of offshoots from this disconnect, which is formed in childhood and Alice Miller’s concept of the “false self.” One thing that therapy can certainly do is help get you back in touch with your authentic, real self. You can act from this self more and more and have more satisfying relationships and leave this false self behind. I’m Katherine Fabrizio. Be good to yourself.

 

Find out if you are trapped in the role of the Good Daughter- go here.

Become Aware. Tweet It Out-

Are You A Chronic People Pleaser? This Could Be Why – ( Hiding behind a False Self) Click To Tweet If it wasn't acceptable to be your real self with mom you needed to develop a faux or false self. Click To Tweet This false self-develops to cope with the demands of being raised by a mother who needs her daughter to be better than she is. Click To Tweet The false self is approval seeking, people pleasing and dangerously detached from the essential/authentic self. Click To Tweet Daughters with a false self many times have a chronic emptiness and disconnection from their real selves. Click To Tweet

 

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Self-Doubt

How To Spot Hidden Ways Mothers Can Create Self-Doubt in Daughters

August 25, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio

 

You look great, but wonder if that dress comes in a larger size?

I’m glad you got the job, but are you sure you want to put the kids in daycare… all day?

The apartment is nice but can you really afford something so fancy with your job?

Does Mom offer up a question that’s not really a question but rather a judgment disguised as a question? Do you need to pay attention to what is not said, but implied to decipher the real message? Do you look to tone &  facial expression for the truth? Does mom have trouble being upfront, transparent, or real? Do her “questions” leave you second-guessing yourself?

Why is this a problem?

The problem is, when criticism isn’t direct, it is difficult to process and recognize the insult hidden inside. It makes you feel uncomfortable but your mind argues against it. When a question isn’t a question but an indictment of a choice you have already made- the “question” is designed to produce self-doubt.

I am here to say this is amongst the most destructive ways mothers relate to daughters.

Consider this-When someone in your life tells you upfront they don’t agree with you, that’s one thing. You have the opportunity to address it. You might not like it. It might even hurt, but ultimately you realize we all need to be challenged in order to make better decisions and grow. Conversely, mixed messages plant seeds of self-doubt.

It works like this- The toxicity in mom’s mixed messaged, double-speak, the subtext is ingested, taken in – like the shiny apple offered to Snow White in the Grimm’s Brothers fairy tale. Because her advice is offered as a gift and may look pretty/helpful on the outside, eager to please mom -you take a bite and swallow it whole. Before you know it, you feel something is not quite right.

Taking in a message that contains poison, you feel sick. This poison erodes your confidence and you begin to doubt yourself.

This is how the spell of self-doubt is cast. You don’t feel that you can refuse moms “caring”. You are not fully conscious of the hurt- so it is hard to refuse the offering. You feel that you have to play nice and take what is offered. That is the way you stay under the spell of the mixed message

As a psychotherapist, for over 30 years I have seen women struggling from the spell of the mixed message they were put under by their mothers. This is ugly and far more common than you would guess.

Some daughters in the role of “Good” Daughter have seriously impaired mothers who cause serious damage. Their care is laced with a huge dose of toxicity. Other daughters are hurt by mothers who are merely passing down what they themselves have suffered. They swallowed the toxicity from their own mothers and can’t help but poison their own daughters -if they follow ( patriarchal)  cultural expectations.

Either way, it is very hard to face the fact that the person who is lifting you up is also hurting you and undermining your self-esteem. Hurtful, even if mom is unaware of the hurt she is causing. What’s worse, you take this toxicity inside of yourself and it becomes part of your self-talk.It is very hard to face the fact that the person who is lifting you up is also hurting you and undermining your self-esteem. Hurtful, even if mom is unaware of the hurt she is causing.

What will it cost you if you don’t break the spell? If you can’t consciously face that your mother is serving up arsenic-laced apples, you will never be able to tell which relationships and life situations are good for you, you will need to repeat those destructive relational patterns in your close intimate relationships. You will take one shiny apple after another, ingest the poison therein and all the while tell yourself this is what you deserve.

At the unconscious level, you will need to keep yourself in shady situations and tell yourself that you are in sunshine. You will convince yourself that the problem is yours. The apple tastes good, not bitter and that the shadows are only in your imagination. You are too sensitive, that’s all.

It can be so very hard to face the truth of your relationship with your mother if this is the case. Yet if you don’t, you will be compelled to treat your own daughter the same way and put her under the same spell.

What you don’t pass back, you pass on. That is why it is both hard to face, and so important to face this for yourself.  But you must face this consciously, in order to break the spell. This is grown up work with grown-up rewards.

You must break this spell in order to get free of its grip on your life. Step out of the shadows, call a spade a spade and an insult an insult. Hand back the poison-laced apples along with the backhanded compliments. Only then can you claim what is most beautiful about you. Heal this one and you will heal so very much in your life.

Find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role- go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out-

As a psychotherapist, for over 30 years I have seen women struggling from the spell of the mixed message they were put under by their mothers. Click To Tweet

Breaking the spell of the mixed message is at the heart of healing the difficulties between mothers and daughters. Click To Tweet

It is very hard to face the fact that the person who is lifting you up is also hurting you and undermining your self-esteem. Hurtful, even if mom is unaware of the hurt she is causing. Click To Tweet Does Mom offer up a question that's not really a question but rather a judgment disguised as a question? Click To Tweet If you can't consciously face that your mother is serving up arsenic-laced apples, you will never be able to tell which relationships and life situations are good for you. Click To Tweet How To Spot Hidden Ways Mothers Can Create Self-Doubt in Daughters Click To Tweet

Audio-

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Audio-Does-Mom-Ask-Questions-That-Seed-Self-Doubt_-8_13_17-6.53-PM.m4a

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Destructive, Doubt, Mom, Psyche, Questions, Self-Doubt

How The Lies of Patriarchy Are Passed Down From Mother To Daughter

June 7, 2017 by Katherine Fabrizio



Women’s empowerment and the mother/daughter connection 


Let’s get real for a moment sisters. Women have been burned, owned and controlled, for a very long time. And, lied to. We know, as women, this oppression figures prominently in our collective history.

How does this affect us as daughters?

Let me explain- While we might not fully realize how the mistreatment of women has taken a psychological toll on our mothers. This unfair oppression of women has generated a narcissistic defense in many women and thus in many mothers.

That is, when mothers don’t get their needs met overtly, they are psychologically driven to use indirect means which usually manifests in manipulation. 

While not all mothers have full-blown NPD, many have Narcissistic defensive traits. As such they have lower self-worth and are driven to protect a fragile sense of self at any cost. Given how women have been treated by the patriarchal culture over the years, this is understandable, albeit destructive.

How does this show itself in daughters today? Taking recent national events into consideration … We are confronted with the reality that daughters today may not realize is how misogyny is still very much alive. Many young women today say they don’t need women’s lib. Yet, many of those same grown daughters exhaust themselves as they take on the lion’s share of the household chores and hold themselves responsible for childcare arrangements while taking their place beside men at work.

Ironically, they remain unaware they are living out their mother’s feelings of unworthiness by over functioning. If the sins of the father are visited upon the son, it is surely the lies of the mother that are visited upon the daughter.

Let me spell this out-

Despite advances in women’s lives, your mother was lied to in two different ways.

  1. The first lie was that women are not worthy. Your mother learned from living in a patriarchal culture that she was not good enough, worthy or as valuable as a man.
  2. Mom was taught she was a second-class citizen. From the first lie follows the second; the only real power is male power.

Power over, control and domination have been considered most valuable in our Western culture.

 

Feminine powers of receptivity, nurturing and alliance have been considered traits of weakness, not strength.

So what was mom to do? To level the playing field and get along in a man’s world, she learned to act like a man. She adopted the male version of power. Because it was and is mimicry, women have felt something missing. They have carried a sense of not quite getting it right.

Understandably she carried a sense of not getting it right. Like Ginger Rogers, doing everything Fred Astaire did but in high heels and backward, some women were crushed under the weight of it all. 

Most wounded is the Narcissistic, Borderline and Histrionic Mother. Her wounds are so deep she is the most likely to take her pain out on her most vulnerable of charges, her daughter. I would add, most of this intergenerational wounding is handed down at the unconscious level.

If you are the daughter of the Narcissistic Borderline or Histrionic Mother, you carry this pain into your life. Even if your mother has traits of these disorders, you can’t help but be affected.

As a counselor to women for 30 years, I see you in my psychotherapy practice.

Let me tell you what I have noticed-

You don’t value yourself. You are a servant to your beautiful children, you don’t know that your goddess-given powers of nurturing are enough.

You can’t ever let yourself rest.

You are always outrunning a sense of “not good enough” when in fact, you are more than enough.

Are you living out the same lie your mother lived????? If so, it is time to stop the madness, claim your worth and break the destructive cycle that passes the lie of not good enough from one generation of women to the next.  Time to rein in the micromanaging and helicoptering that give are fueled by the same lie.

 Your mother’s way is not good enough for you and it won’t be good enough for your daughters. Together, we have important work to do to bring back the value of the feminine.

We are women. We can do this.

This is how we Rise!

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Audio-for-Why-You-Need-Liberating-Especiaslly-From-Your-Narcissistic-Mother-8_13_17-10.10-AM.m4a

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues

A Poem From The Adult Daughter To The Difficult Mother : Not Your Fault, Not Mine, Just Is

November 26, 2015 by Katherine Fabrizio

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I never forget, empathetic daughters of narcissistic/difficult mothers hurt. They must walk away from the (emotional) table hungry again and again.

Underneath the anger and resentment they feel is a deep longing for a mother who can truly see them and accept them for who they are. They don’t have that. They will never have that. They live with that.

They’d rather not blame or criticize their mother but to save themselves they need to understand. In the end, they are destined to navigate this life without a mother’s love that feels good.

I hope this poem speaks to your soul and offers you the balm of understanding. You are not alone.  Healing begins with understanding.

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Transcript: Poem From the Adult Daughter to the Narcissistic/Difficult Mother

Not Your Fault, Not Mine, Just Is

I stand before you but you can’t see me.

My life. My heart. Myself. You can’t see or feel it.

My actions, my motives, are never ever good enough.

Good enough for you to see me. Truly see me.

As separate from you, my own person, not your do-over.

The mirror that you hold up to me, the good daughter, and to yourself only reflects back our imagined shameful flaws or our made up bigger than life glories.

The cruelty, the tragedy is.. neither are true.

What goes missing is the tender middle ground, the humanity behind the mask.

Instead that fun house…. mirror is all too present….

Trapping us both

Obscuring, distorting, exaggerating.

It might have been fun but it is anything but.

Not your fault, not mine, just is.

I explain, defend myself ….. perform… umm …never mind.

It never really changes anything. … just a voice crying….. into the wilderness of your emptiness.

Onto the theater of your play pretend.

Twirling twirling … look, mom, I’m dancing as fast as I can giving it my all.

Never let them see you sweat.

Now ….. alone on the stage ready to take my bow

Only to find. No one home. Effort played to an empty house.

A single hand claps or does it?

A hollowness reverberates, no ears to hear.

Not your fault, not mine, just is.

For myself, there is no witness, no understanding, no solid place to land when I am spent.

Yet hope springs eternal, infernal, maternal.

Look at me! Look at me, mom! Am I good enough, this time?

Did I get it right this time? Did I? But you can’t.

Can’t see past your own insecurities, the leak in your boat of a self too large.

Frantically trying to bail water, you are, so that you don’t sink yourself.

Not your fault, not mine, just is.

Like an etch-a-sketch pad, I think you get it, get me and in an instant, it all becomes undone, invisible…. never was…. I guess.

Not your fault, not mine, just is.

You and I can’t get past it. It isn’t our fault.

It isn’t that you won’t. I think if you could, you would. You can’t.

What happened, mom? Who dropped the ball of your self-esteem that you so desperately need me to pick up?

Need me, yet rendered you blind to the real me. So we go through the motions, the game of life without touching.

It is time for me to leave home, yet again, as I have so many times before.

To walk away from the table still hungry.

Empty handed, unseen, unheard.

Not your fault, not mine, just is.

To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role  -go here.

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Daughters, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Mothers

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The Good Daughter's Guide to Freedom

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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