“Mom calls me multiple times a day. Sometimes I don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can.
It hurts her feelings and, well, I can’t stop feeling guilty. She just can’t let me go so that I can live my own life.“
When Mom won’t let go…this causes understandable and predictable problems for her daughter, problems that can have far reaching effects and last a lifetime.
As a psychotherapist, I have heard the same issue more times than I can count.
See if you can relate-
Mom weighs-in, offers up “suggestions” and intrudes on your decisions. Mom questions your every move and gives you unsolicited advice. When you’ve had enough you snap at her and she comes back with, ” I was only trying to help”.
Or maybe you’ve been dying to say something.. but you are paralyzed with the fear she will take what you have to say you as a rejection of her- so you swallow your anger and say nothing while you feel your resentment grow and grow?
You always thought when you became an adult your mother would respect you as a peer.
In other words…
You thought when you became an adult Mom would let you go?
I understand.
Most adult daughters think Mom will at least loosen up the controls when they become adults. Unfortunately, here you are waiting for your permission slip to become an adult. You hope against hope Mom will recognize that you are grown and let you make your own adult decisions. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently so.
You see the problem didn’t just start here. In fact, these patterns have been there all along throughout your development– hidden in plain sight. You just didn’t see them,
not fully.
Mom’s overreach, her intrusions, have been baked into her brand of mothering from the start. Her style of mothering is so normalized that it has become like the air that you breathe. Yet all the while, she held you back and appropriated you because of her own insecurities. Driven by unconscious forces, she didn’t even fully know she was doing it…,
not really.
When this is your childhood reality, you don’t know any better. All you do know is that you are deathly afraid of leaving Mom out or disappointing her. You are sure Mom will take it as a rejection and either crumble or pay you back… double.
You tell yourself, “let her have her say, it’s just easier that way.”
When Mom treats you as her therapist or best friend.
Her relationship problems, her complaints about your dad, nothing is off-limits and you seriously wish they were. But, it’s been like this forever. She’s told you things that were too much for a kid to handle… and it never stopped. She still calls you when things go badly and talks and talks and talks…
She expects that you will take her side in every fight and there are plenty of them. Truth be told, you aren’t allowed a separate opinion. You feel like the only acceptable opinion is an echo of hers.
Talking with Mom is more like a monologue with you trapped as the audience.
Either way, this kind of “closeness” can feel suffocating. You just want the freedom to live your life without Mom’s input or worrying she will be hurt if you make a move without her. Instead, you toggle between guilt and resentment– never knowing if you are ungrateful or unlucky.
I’m here to tell you; there’s a problem and it’s not you.
Why Mom can’t let go?
If she has a full-blown personality disorder she will cling to her daughter for dear (emotional) life-sucking out every bit of her daughter’s vitality. It is not unusual for both narcissistic personality disordered and borderline personality disordered mothers to use their daughters to make up for their own childhood deficits and look to their daughter to be an emotional partner. Depending on your mother’s wound, she will look to her daughter for similar but slightly different reasons.
- Narcissistic mothers need to be superior, relevant, and in control.
- Borderline Moms are unpredictable, clingy, and needy. They are obsessed with warding off fears of abandonment.
Your normal, healthy need to grow up and away triggers your mother’s childhood wound.
Either way, when Mom can’t let you go she is putting her needs ahead of your need to grow up, leave home, and make a healthy separation.
When she looks for you to take care of her- this is called parentification and it traps you into a role that is no good for you.
When Moms with an underlying personality disorder Narcissistic, Borderline, or Histrionic, turn to their daughters to meet their unmet emotional needs their daughters feel guilty for their natural strivings for independence.
If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped in an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of becoming her own person.
Needless to say, The cost can have far-reaching consequences.
How can this affect her daughter’s ability to connect with a life partner?
Let’s start with what a healthy mother/daughter dynamic looks like.
When a daughter leaves home and makes a healthy separation from mom and dad ideally she transfers her primary emotional connection from her parents to her partner. No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both.
Mothers need to let go and daughters need to grow up and leave. Each has her own separate emotional task.
Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Letting her go is the greatest gift you will give your daughter and it will break your heart. I should know. While my own mother couldn’t let me go smoothly or easily, I was determined to do better by my girls. Yet, letting them go was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Yet, as the psychologist, Pat Love states, adults, need to have their emotional needs met by other adults. – period.
If this doesn’t happen life can’t move on as it is supposed to.
An adult daughter will not be free to fully invest in her relationship with an adult partner. In other words, in health, the daughter needs to choose her partner over her mother. This may sound harsh but this is the healthy trajectory.
Both Mom and Daughter have their separate challenges.
- It is Mom’s job to, let go and accept her daughter’s leaving the familial nest.
- It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a peer and leave behind her role as a child.
This is the way of healthy development. Each task has its own responsibilities. Leaving home and making a home of your own is the healthy trajectory, one paved with both loss and gratification. Letting go is the path towards growth.
However, when mothers make their adult daughters feel responsible for their emotional well-being, things are upside down.
Only dysfunction and misery follow.
Daughters resent having to care for mom emotionally. Underneath it all, they know something isn’t right. Asking your daughter to take care of you emotionally; to be the person they look to for closeness and connection as adults… places an unnecessary burden on your daughter.
This emotional burden traps daughters in the role of the good daughter and part of the good daughter syndrome.
Here is how this happens –
A postscript-
If you find yourself caught in the grip of this unhealthy dynamic, don’t despair. There is a way out. A way that is kind and fair and sane. It isn’t easy, but it is possible. I’ve led daughters like you through the valley of struggle to the other side.
Find your first step (below) and take it. Your life is waiting for you.
1)If you see yourself in this good daughter role there are steps you can take.
2) If you need a script to tell mom to take a step back and stop giving unwanted advice here is one that is kind and respectful.
3) If you suspect mom might be Narcissistic, Borderline, or Histrionic, or has traits of these disorders here is a way to tell.
Let me know in the comments if your mom has let go.
Raise Awareness TWEET IT OUT –
When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary emotional partner, this interferes with the daughter's emotional growth. Click To Tweet It is mom's job to, let go and accept her daughter's leaving. Click To Tweet Mom must let go in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship with her daughter later in life. Click To Tweet No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both. Click To Tweet When a mother looks to her daughter to be her primary emotional partner, this is called parentification. This holds daughters back from fully living their own adult lives. Click To Tweet Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Hard, but necessary. Click To Tweet
This is how we Rise!
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
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I am 47 year old female who has been married twice has 2 grown son’s, and I’m still living at home with mom and dad. Everytime I would want to grow and leave the nest, mom would guilt or manipulate me into staying. I am an only child. Now both my parents are in their late 70s and not in great health. I have now become their primary caregiver as well. I now suffer from depression and anxiety.. I feel trapped and want my own life. I can’t just leave them behind but not sure what to do.. they can’t live on their own. Not sure what to do anymore.
Kimberly, I totally understand you! I have never been married and I have no kids. I have left home twice, but always ended up returning home. This time, my mother cannot financially live on her own. So, I have to take care of her. But, at the same time, I need my independence and ability to start my own family. I wish that I had the answer for you. But, if you are not financially tied to them, then you could possibly get them a home health aide or caregiver, and then move out on your own. I’m trying my best to not get to the point where my life has passed me by.
Wow! I never knew others like me existed! I know what you both are feeling too! And I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through 🙁 I will be praying for both of you:-)
I have moved out twice and ended back at home. Been single my whole life, not by choice! My family has had so many health issues which makes it really
complicated, and I came down with health issues for many years after their diagnoses, (I think from all the stress!) But I’m doing so much better now and want to take that leap of faith and move to a place I feel led to move (a place far away!)…I know this time I need a better support system (been way too close to my family for years!) yet, both parents are so filled with fear! They are both used to being saviors for many years for all of my siblings and me and are only thinking about how they’d have to save me at some point. It’s never about, “Wow! I’m so glad you want to be empowered!”,
Or “let’s talk about how we can make this a reality…”
For some reason I also feel like I need their approval because when I did stuff on my own and they didn’t approve out (later to find out), it made my life a living hell. There’s such a weird feel of attachment I’ve felt to them all my life that I want to get rid of!! It had produced so much panic, anxiety, depression, etc.
It’s ironic because they want to “protect” me but they fail to realize they are hurting me if I stay with them!
Maybe this site can help!
Wow! I never knew others like me existed! Kim & Dee—I know what you both are feeling too! And I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through 🙁 I will be praying for both of you:-)
I have moved out twice and ended back at home. Been single my whole life, not by choice! My family has had so many health issues which makes it really
complicated, and I came down with health issues for many years after their diagnoses, (I think from all the stress!) But I’m doing so much better now and want to take that leap of faith and move to a place I feel led to move (a place far away!)…I know this time I need a better support system (been way too close to my family for years!) yet, both parents are so filled with fear! They are both used to being saviors for many years for all of my siblings and me and are only thinking about how they’d have to save me at some point. It’s never about, “Wow! I’m so glad you want to be empowered!”,
Or “let’s talk about how we can make this a reality…”
For some reason I also feel like I need their approval because when I did stuff on my own and they didn’t approve out (later to find out), it made my life a living hell. There’s such a weird feel of attachment I’ve felt to them all my life that I want to get rid of!! It had produced so much panic, anxiety, depression, etc.
It’s ironic because they want to “protect” me but they fail to realize that they are the cause of the pain I’ve been experiencing almost all my life.
I’m hopeful about finding this site,
Looks like a lot of good info that can be very helpful! Thank-you so much Katherine, can’t wait to download the guide!
I am remarried and my wife whom I absolutely adore has her 23 year old daughter spend the weekends here like my 15 year old daughter. When she isn’t here they constantly text each other. We may be at the movies, watching t.v., making dinner, even making love. When she is here they go into her daughter’s room close the door, lay in bed and watch shows. They eat dinner in the room as well. Then when my wife comes to bed after spending a few hours watching their shows, they TEXT three or four times as well. I can’t do anything with my wife when she’s here. When she is here I am in second place. I love my wife like I’ve never have anyone. Her daughter barely speaks to me in my own house. I know she resents me I’m her mom’s life, so much so she plays on her mother’s feelings to take as much of her tome as she can. In my wifes eyes her daughter never does anything wrong. She is an adult, we went to therapy and a psychiatrist mirrored my thoughts about the whole thing, I paid for a therapist who also paralled my feelings on the whole thing. She still disagrees with all of us. I am so torn. I am 64 and have aome health issues and I am afraid my time will pass too quickly and we won’t have the opportunity to really enjoy the time we do have.
There is so much more……
Danny
Danny- thank you for writing. It does sound so hard… and to be left out. It sounds like family therapy might be a good option.
Best of luck,
Katherine
I have a mother that prisons my 23 year old sister. My sister already struggles with having no confidence in herself, her chooses in life, and her ability to grow. This allows my mother to keep my sister all to herself and will never allow her to grow and take care of herself. Till this day my mother still goes to doctor appointments with my sister, will not allow my sister to drive anywhere, but to work, which is only 5 miles from the house, she will not allow my sister to get a full time job to better herself because she tells her that “you dont have the skill or mindset to do so”. My sister believes what my mother says about her so she doesnt push or persue. See my step dad, my sisters real father and my mothers husband committed suicide 6 years ago. Ever since then my mother doesn’t want to be alone so she holds on to my sister and keeps her for her company, but in the long run she is hurting my sister. My sister needs to get a full time job, learn how the real world is, and take care of herself.
Dear Scott- It does sound like your sister is indeed held hostage and infantilized. It’s a real thing and you see it up close. I hope you can be a resource to your sister if she reaches out. You are in a tricky position because unless she sees it as a problem she will have no motivation to change anything and change will be very hard. The losses from suicide don’t just end when with the suicide. Perhaps some family counseling could help. I wish you and your family the best.