“Mom calls me multiple times a day. Sometimes I don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can.
It hurts her feelings and, well, I can’t stop feeling guilty. She just can’t let me go so that I can live my own life.“
When Mom won’t let go…this causes understandable and predictable problems for her daughter, problems that can have far reaching effects and last a lifetime.
As a psychotherapist, I have heard the same issue more times than I can count.
See if you can relate-
Mom weighs-in, offers up “suggestions” and intrudes on your decisions. Mom questions your every move and gives you unsolicited advice. When you’ve had enough you snap at her and she comes back with, ” I was only trying to help”.
Or maybe you’ve been dying to say something.. but you are paralyzed with the fear she will take what you have to say you as a rejection of her- so you swallow your anger and say nothing while you feel your resentment grow and grow?
You always thought when you became an adult your mother would respect you as a peer.
In other words…
You thought when you became an adult Mom would let you go?
I understand.
Most adult daughters think Mom will at least loosen up the controls when they become adults. Unfortunately, here you are waiting for your permission slip to become an adult. You hope against hope Mom will recognize that you are grown and let you make your own adult decisions. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently so.
You see the problem didn’t just start here. In fact, these patterns have been there all along throughout your development– hidden in plain sight. You just didn’t see them,
not fully.
Mom’s overreach, her intrusions, have been baked into her brand of mothering from the start. Her style of mothering is so normalized that it has become like the air that you breathe. Yet all the while, she held you back and appropriated you because of her own insecurities. Driven by unconscious forces, she didn’t even fully know she was doing it…,
not really.
When this is your childhood reality, you don’t know any better. All you do know is that you are deathly afraid of leaving Mom out or disappointing her. You are sure Mom will take it as a rejection and either crumble or pay you back… double.
You tell yourself, “let her have her say, it’s just easier that way.”
When Mom treats you as her therapist or best friend.
Her relationship problems, her complaints about your dad, nothing is off-limits and you seriously wish they were. But, it’s been like this forever. She’s told you things that were too much for a kid to handle… and it never stopped. She still calls you when things go badly and talks and talks and talks…
She expects that you will take her side in every fight and there are plenty of them. Truth be told, you aren’t allowed a separate opinion. You feel like the only acceptable opinion is an echo of hers.
Talking with Mom is more like a monologue with you trapped as the audience.
Either way, this kind of “closeness” can feel suffocating. You just want the freedom to live your life without Mom’s input or worrying she will be hurt if you make a move without her. Instead, you toggle between guilt and resentment– never knowing if you are ungrateful or unlucky.
I’m here to tell you; there’s a problem and it’s not you.
Why Mom can’t let go?
If she has a full-blown personality disorder she will cling to her daughter for dear (emotional) life-sucking out every bit of her daughter’s vitality. It is not unusual for both narcissistic personality disordered and borderline personality disordered mothers to use their daughters to make up for their own childhood deficits and look to their daughter to be an emotional partner. Depending on your mother’s wound, she will look to her daughter for similar but slightly different reasons.
- Narcissistic mothers need to be superior, relevant, and in control.
- Borderline Moms are unpredictable, clingy, and needy. They are obsessed with warding off fears of abandonment.
Your normal, healthy need to grow up and away triggers your mother’s childhood wound.
Either way, when Mom can’t let you go she is putting her needs ahead of your need to grow up, leave home, and make a healthy separation.
When she looks for you to take care of her- this is called parentification and it traps you into a role that is no good for you.
When Moms with an underlying personality disorder Narcissistic, Borderline, or Histrionic, turn to their daughters to meet their unmet emotional needs their daughters feel guilty for their natural strivings for independence.
If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped in an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of becoming her own person.
Needless to say, The cost can have far-reaching consequences.
How can this affect her daughter’s ability to connect with a life partner?
Let’s start with what a healthy mother/daughter dynamic looks like.
When a daughter leaves home and makes a healthy separation from mom and dad ideally she transfers her primary emotional connection from her parents to her partner. No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both.
Mothers need to let go and daughters need to grow up and leave. Each has her own separate emotional task.
Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Letting her go is the greatest gift you will give your daughter and it will break your heart. I should know. While my own mother couldn’t let me go smoothly or easily, I was determined to do better by my girls. Yet, letting them go was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Yet, as the psychologist, Pat Love states, adults, need to have their emotional needs met by other adults. – period.
If this doesn’t happen life can’t move on as it is supposed to.
An adult daughter will not be free to fully invest in her relationship with an adult partner. In other words, in health, the daughter needs to choose her partner over her mother. This may sound harsh but this is the healthy trajectory.
Both Mom and Daughter have their separate challenges.
- It is Mom’s job to, let go and accept her daughter’s leaving the familial nest.
- It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a peer and leave behind her role as a child.
This is the way of healthy development. Each task has its own responsibilities. Leaving home and making a home of your own is the healthy trajectory, one paved with both loss and gratification. Letting go is the path towards growth.
However, when mothers make their adult daughters feel responsible for their emotional well-being, things are upside down.
Only dysfunction and misery follow.
Daughters resent having to care for mom emotionally. Underneath it all, they know something isn’t right. Asking your daughter to take care of you emotionally; to be the person they look to for closeness and connection as adults… places an unnecessary burden on your daughter.
This emotional burden traps daughters in the role of the good daughter and part of the good daughter syndrome.
Here is how this happens –
A postscript-
If you find yourself caught in the grip of this unhealthy dynamic, don’t despair. There is a way out. A way that is kind and fair and sane. It isn’t easy, but it is possible. I’ve led daughters like you through the valley of struggle to the other side.
Find your first step (below) and take it. Your life is waiting for you.
1)If you see yourself in this good daughter role there are steps you can take.
2) If you need a script to tell mom to take a step back and stop giving unwanted advice here is one that is kind and respectful.
3) If you suspect mom might be Narcissistic, Borderline, or Histrionic, or has traits of these disorders here is a way to tell.
Let me know in the comments if your mom has let go.
Raise Awareness TWEET IT OUT –
When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary emotional partner, this interferes with the daughter's emotional growth. Click To Tweet It is mom's job to, let go and accept her daughter's leaving. Click To Tweet Mom must let go in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship with her daughter later in life. Click To Tweet No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both. Click To Tweet When a mother looks to her daughter to be her primary emotional partner, this is called parentification. This holds daughters back from fully living their own adult lives. Click To Tweet Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Hard, but necessary. Click To Tweet
This is how we Rise!
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
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I am 47 year old female who has been married twice has 2 grown son’s, and I’m still living at home with mom and dad. Everytime I would want to grow and leave the nest, mom would guilt or manipulate me into staying. I am an only child. Now both my parents are in their late 70s and not in great health. I have now become their primary caregiver as well. I now suffer from depression and anxiety.. I feel trapped and want my own life. I can’t just leave them behind but not sure what to do.. they can’t live on their own. Not sure what to do anymore.
Kimberly, I totally understand you! I have never been married and I have no kids. I have left home twice, but always ended up returning home. This time, my mother cannot financially live on her own. So, I have to take care of her. But, at the same time, I need my independence and ability to start my own family. I wish that I had the answer for you. But, if you are not financially tied to them, then you could possibly get them a home health aide or caregiver, and then move out on your own. I’m trying my best to not get to the point where my life has passed me by.
Wow! I never knew others like me existed! I know what you both are feeling too! And I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through 🙁 I will be praying for both of you:-)
I have moved out twice and ended back at home. Been single my whole life, not by choice! My family has had so many health issues which makes it really
complicated, and I came down with health issues for many years after their diagnoses, (I think from all the stress!) But I’m doing so much better now and want to take that leap of faith and move to a place I feel led to move (a place far away!)…I know this time I need a better support system (been way too close to my family for years!) yet, both parents are so filled with fear! They are both used to being saviors for many years for all of my siblings and me and are only thinking about how they’d have to save me at some point. It’s never about, “Wow! I’m so glad you want to be empowered!”,
Or “let’s talk about how we can make this a reality…”
For some reason I also feel like I need their approval because when I did stuff on my own and they didn’t approve out (later to find out), it made my life a living hell. There’s such a weird feel of attachment I’ve felt to them all my life that I want to get rid of!! It had produced so much panic, anxiety, depression, etc.
It’s ironic because they want to “protect” me but they fail to realize they are hurting me if I stay with them!
Maybe this site can help!
Wow! I never knew others like me existed! Kim & Dee—I know what you both are feeling too! And I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through 🙁 I will be praying for both of you:-)
I have moved out twice and ended back at home. Been single my whole life, not by choice! My family has had so many health issues which makes it really
complicated, and I came down with health issues for many years after their diagnoses, (I think from all the stress!) But I’m doing so much better now and want to take that leap of faith and move to a place I feel led to move (a place far away!)…I know this time I need a better support system (been way too close to my family for years!) yet, both parents are so filled with fear! They are both used to being saviors for many years for all of my siblings and me and are only thinking about how they’d have to save me at some point. It’s never about, “Wow! I’m so glad you want to be empowered!”,
Or “let’s talk about how we can make this a reality…”
For some reason I also feel like I need their approval because when I did stuff on my own and they didn’t approve out (later to find out), it made my life a living hell. There’s such a weird feel of attachment I’ve felt to them all my life that I want to get rid of!! It had produced so much panic, anxiety, depression, etc.
It’s ironic because they want to “protect” me but they fail to realize that they are the cause of the pain I’ve been experiencing almost all my life.
I’m hopeful about finding this site,
Looks like a lot of good info that can be very helpful! Thank-you so much Katherine, can’t wait to download the guide!
I am remarried and my wife whom I absolutely adore has her 23 year old daughter spend the weekends here like my 15 year old daughter. When she isn’t here they constantly text each other. We may be at the movies, watching t.v., making dinner, even making love. When she is here they go into her daughter’s room close the door, lay in bed and watch shows. They eat dinner in the room as well. Then when my wife comes to bed after spending a few hours watching their shows, they TEXT three or four times as well. I can’t do anything with my wife when she’s here. When she is here I am in second place. I love my wife like I’ve never have anyone. Her daughter barely speaks to me in my own house. I know she resents me I’m her mom’s life, so much so she plays on her mother’s feelings to take as much of her tome as she can. In my wifes eyes her daughter never does anything wrong. She is an adult, we went to therapy and a psychiatrist mirrored my thoughts about the whole thing, I paid for a therapist who also paralled my feelings on the whole thing. She still disagrees with all of us. I am so torn. I am 64 and have aome health issues and I am afraid my time will pass too quickly and we won’t have the opportunity to really enjoy the time we do have.
There is so much more……
Danny
Danny- thank you for writing. It does sound so hard… and to be left out. It sounds like family therapy might be a good option.
Best of luck,
Katherine
I have a mother that prisons my 23 year old sister. My sister already struggles with having no confidence in herself, her chooses in life, and her ability to grow. This allows my mother to keep my sister all to herself and will never allow her to grow and take care of herself. Till this day my mother still goes to doctor appointments with my sister, will not allow my sister to drive anywhere, but to work, which is only 5 miles from the house, she will not allow my sister to get a full time job to better herself because she tells her that “you dont have the skill or mindset to do so”. My sister believes what my mother says about her so she doesnt push or persue. See my step dad, my sisters real father and my mothers husband committed suicide 6 years ago. Ever since then my mother doesn’t want to be alone so she holds on to my sister and keeps her for her company, but in the long run she is hurting my sister. My sister needs to get a full time job, learn how the real world is, and take care of herself.
Dear Scott- It does sound like your sister is indeed held hostage and infantilized. It’s a real thing and you see it up close. I hope you can be a resource to your sister if she reaches out. You are in a tricky position because unless she sees it as a problem she will have no motivation to change anything and change will be very hard. The losses from suicide don’t just end when with the suicide. Perhaps some family counseling could help. I wish you and your family the best.
Hi I am in tears after reading this article. I was both the parentificated child(if that is a word) and the toxic mother to my own daughter.
My parents’ relationship was very volatile and my mother confided in me from a young age. I was an only child. Unfortunately when I was 17 she died from cancer. My father then emotionally blackmailed me in all sorts of toxic ways until he too died when I was 27.
I missed my mum so much and resented the fact I was left with my father who I hated for how he had treated my mum but still felt I had to be the ‘good girl’ and look after him rather than make my own life. I was fortunate to leave home to go to university but still went on holiday with him rather than friends. I’m sure he would have come on my honeymoon if we had asked him!
As a result- you guessed- I married the first man who asked me. I gave birth to my daughter 10 months later. I loved her so much and still do but realise now I wanted to recreate the relationship I had with my own mum before it was cruelly taken away from me too soon.
As my relationship with her father broke down ( 7 years and 2 sons later) I confided in her about my failing relationship with her father as I really didn’t have any real friends at that time. We lived in a very gossipy village and didn’t feel I could trust anyone and had no family to support me. I even continued confiding in her with my second relationship for the same reasons.
I now realise albeit 30 years later I put the same emotional pressure on her as I had put on me. I now realise why she couldn’t wait to leave home at 18 for a year abroad before university.
She has tried several times I now realise to try and explain all this but she has always found it hard to express herself – I now appreciate why. At one stage I even said she had never been the daughter I wanted: I regret this so very much. That was 10 years ago. Again I now realise what I meant was she was not the daughter I was to my parents. I am so pleased she fought being that in her own way. I am now so terribly sad that I ruined her life like my parents ruined mine. Even though I understand the reasons why my parents burdened me with things they shouldn’t have and I forgive them ( well I forgive my mum but still feel resentful of my father for how violent he was to my mum) but I’m not sure my daughter will ever forgive me.
We still have a relationship and I am so very proud of her. She is happily married and expecting her third daughter in a couple of months.
She is however I feel very hard on me. Does not even buy me birthday or Christmas gifts and shows me no affection. She always focusses on the one wrong thing I may do/say rather than all the good things I do. I love her so much but her attitude hurts. I suppose this is what she wants as she must resent me for how I used her as my emotional crook at times in my life when I had no one.
I suppose she keeps me at a distance in case I start doing this again – I haven’t off loaded to her for 10 years as I now have time to develop some very good friends and invest in my relationship with my 2nd husband.
I realise what I did was wrong: I was repeating my parents’ treatment of me totally not realising that it was not normal behaviour.
How can I explain all this to her and apologise? I so would like to have a mutually loving, respectful relationship with her but maybe the thought of this fills her with dread and it’s probably too late. Maybe she only feels able to cope with me in her life at arm’s length. Any thoughts?
Hi Sharon,
First I want to commend you for your courage and insight. This is exactly how the cycle is broken, one person realizing how they were repeating a cycle, stopping the cycle, and making amends. It takes both courage and humility. I think you have a great start with your daughter by simply sharing what you’ve said here to me.
Also don’t expect her to turn around in one conversation. it will take some time to heal the wounds and time for her to trust that she can share her vulnerability with you. The way you demonstrate that is to ask her how she felt when you did the things you regret to her. If you can listen without becoming defensive or with countering with how much worse you had it (even though it may be true) this will be a gift to her. You have a great opportunity here.
Thank you so much for reaching out and writing.
Best of luck to you and your daughter,
Katherine
Hi Katherine
Thank you very much for your kind reply.
However I am very concerned that by raising all these issues I may be reinforcing my daughter’s feelings about me: that even now I am trying to dump all these emotions on her when she now has a busy life; teaching, bringing up 2 young children whilst pregnant and looking after her husband. As I mentioned, my daughter struggles to express herself verbally and as a result reacts very negatively.
Could this not make matters even worse?
I have realised from reading your article how I have given her the same experiences i had in my childhood and this is why she is so harsh with me. The difference bring i am still alive for her to show her resentment and anger. Is this just a punishment I have to bear to maintain at least some sort of relationship with her and my granddaughters? In other words, could I be opening a can of worms?
Sharon
Hi Sharon,
I think you have touched on a good point and a risk anyone facing when bringing up a touchy subject. Most of the time people don’t bring something up because they feel they could rock the boat or unsettle things/ open a can of worms. And you are right, it could open a can of worms. You can’t be sure how she is going to react. That’s where the courage and vulnerability come in.
Also without knowing more, I can’t be informed enough to give direct advice and wouldn’t want to encourage you to do something you don’t feel comfortable doing.
And… possibly it might be enough for you to realize where your daughter is coming from. You could approach her and say that you want a better relationship with her and ask what from her perspective could you do differently? Or ask if there is anything she’s like to understand about her childhood that you might be able to fill in some blanks. That way she would lead in opening things up. I realize all of these suggestions involve you dropping your armor in hopes she will eventually respond with kindness rather than punish you. Only you can decide if you are ready to do that.
I will tell you, most daughters I see in therapy long, for one thing, more than any other… and that’s an apology and validation for the hurt they feel from their mother. The main thing that gets in the way is when Mom continues to defend herself and her daughter eventually gives up. All the worms are indeed back in the can but a chilly truce is formed and none of the worms get dealt with.
Best wishes,
Katherine
I can’t say too much but I’ve broken the bond, in a round about way it was her choice to go into a care home, but I’m now being blamed for this, I’m not believed for anything negative that has happened in my life. She has tried twice now to “commit suicide”although it feels very planned and attention seeking, unlikely to cause death, she has discredited me to everyone she can. My daughters are also targets although they tell me to talk to her but I just can’t, I can not do it anymore, all I’ve asked for is time, time to work through my feelings, just give me that grace, but sadly I’m not allowed to have this. I have no choice honestly but to walk and ignore as I know emotionally and physically I am incapable of dealing with it all.
Hi Susan,
Sometimes you just have to walk away.
No one can give you permission to do this, nor can they. You are the ultimate authority over you.
Sometimes you figure out no one is coming around to save you and you have to save yourself. You realize no one is going to fully realize all the hurt and sacrifice you have endured and give you a pass.
What if you stop asking others for time and space and simply take it for yourself?
And once you step into that kind of empowerment… keep going.
If this applies to you… your breakdown might possibly be a breakthrough.
Take care,
Katherine