You’ve read about narcissistic mothers… but the descriptions don’t exactly fit your mother’s behavior.
Yes, she’s difficult. But instead of the loud, brash variety of narcissistic, she’s subtle, quiet, and more manipulative. She’s not the bully; she’s the victim.
In brief
If you were raised by a covert narcissistic mother, some of these patterns may feel familiar:
- She appears self-sacrificing but expects constant loyalty in return.
- She presents herself as the victim in conflicts.
- She uses guilt rather than direct control.
- Other people see her as generous or long-suffering.
- You often feel responsible for her emotional state.
- Setting boundaries makes you feel selfish or cruel.
She may not be consciously trying to manipulate you. She may be deploying the only coping mechanisms she knows. Some mothers have narcissistic traits rather than a personality disorder; others are emotionally immature or have a limited way of relating because of strict cultural or religious upbringings. But whatever the label or level of intent, the impact on you is real.
A note about terminology: “Covert narcissism” is not a separate formal diagnosis. Researchers more often describe grandiose and vulnerable dimensions of narcissism, which can appear in the same person. I use “covert narcissistic mother” because it describes a pattern many daughters recognize: entitlement, control, and the need to feel special concealed beneath vulnerability, sacrifice, or victimhood.
In this article
- How covert narcissism feels from the daughter’s side
- Twelve covert narcissistic traits and their impact
- Why covert narcissism is difficult to recognize in a mother
- Why other people—including family—may not see it
- What lies beneath narcissistic behavior
- Recognizing the pattern is not the same as knowing what to do
- Sources and further reading
- Frequently asked questions
How covert narcissism feels from the daughter’s side
Do you come away from a visit or phone call with your mother feeling uneasy, unsettled—bad about yourself, as though you did something wrong, but you aren’t sure what? Is it her, or are you just too sensitive, reading too much into what she said?
Just because she isn’t outwardly narcissistic, relating to her isn’t any less confusing or, frankly… destructive.
On the outside, she can appear caring. Covert narcissism can be difficult to recognize because the manipulation is subtle and often disguised as concern or sacrifice—a psychological wolf in sheep’s clothing.
And boundaries—well… the covert narcissistic mother has an allergy to anything resembling a boundary because a boundary is the very thing she is trying her best to eradicate. She wants enmeshment. It works for her.
You might be overcome with anxiety when you try to set a boundary with your mother. You tell yourself you are weak or cowardly. You have encountered a taboo—even if it is unspoken, you feel it. The words get stuck in your throat.
Even small boundaries can leave you flooded with guilt, anxiety, or the sick feeling that you’re somehow being cruel. You might feel guilty for even thinking about setting one. This guilt keeps you in psychological chains—chained to Mom.
Your reluctance or complete inability to set a boundary is not simply a matter of failing to find the right words. When enmeshment is working just fine for Mom, a boundary is seen as the enemy. That’s why you get no buy-in from her.
Bringing up touchy subjects always seems to go sideways or in circles. You become exhausted trying to get your point across. While Mom never seems to tire of arguing, you wouldn’t say you get anywhere by talking.
You’d always thought that if you put your case just the right way, she’d understand and change. But this is often why you can’t win an argument with a narcissistic mother: the harder you try to explain yourself, the more the conversation slips sideways until you leave doubting yourself. Sometimes you even end up apologizing for the conversation itself.
Most strategies for dealing with her backfire on you.
With a straightforwardly narcissistic mother, you come away feeling bad about her; a covert narcissistic mother leaves you feeling bad about yourself.
Why is this?
Like her overt counterpart, a covert narcissistic mother still needs to feel special or superior in the relationship. She is very good at disguising her hostility. She may also need to play the victim. To do this, she casts you as the perpetrator and projects her shadow side—the aspects of herself she can’t admit to—onto you. In this way, she can leave you feeling like the “bad guy,” or girl in this case.
And it isn’t just confusion. Even when a conversation seems to “resolve,” you don’t feel better afterward. Something about the interaction leaves you off, unsettled.
But when you know what to look for, the damage is there in plain sight and most likely has been there every step of your development.
As a licensed psychotherapist, I have been treating women for nearly four decades and have learned to spot every variation of these tactics—no matter how well disguised. I’m not anti-mother. I am a mother of two grown daughters, and I have had to face my own mistakes and make repairs. But I am adamant about revealing the unfair and disempowering tactics some mothers perpetuate on their unsuspecting daughters.
Hurt people hurt people. Calling out the hurtful ways is the only way to break the cycle.
Let’s decode the covert narcissistic mother’s behavior and break her spell over you.
Twelve covert narcissistic traits and their impact
Here is how a covert narcissistic mother accomplishes many of the same goals as an overtly narcissistic mother—and the impact it has on you.
1. She needs to look perfect
Overt pattern: These mothers may be dressed to the nines, Botoxed to the max, and name-drop the latest posh vacation spot. It’s all about how it looks and how she looks to the world. Yes, it’s obnoxious, but it is also easy to spot.
Covert pattern: This mom transfers her need to look perfect to you. You are what we call in the field her “narcissistic extension.” While she will brush off a compliment about herself—“Oh, this old thing? I’ve had it for ages”—she needs you to be her show pony, perfect and polished.
Impact on you: While appearing to be the loving mother when there is an audience, she can be brutally critical of you behind the scenes. She glows when you make her look good and has little tolerance for your struggles. She micromanages your every move and rides you relentlessly, pressuring you to achieve success that reflects well on her. You may develop perfectionism under the pressure.
2. She can’t admit she is wrong
Overt pattern: Braggadocious and obnoxious, this mom argues your every point, never backs down, and never admits fault.
Covert pattern: The sneakier variety still can’t admit she is wrong and may engage in endless arguments, but she does so in a roundabout way. For example: “What do I know? I’m only your mother,” or “I was only trying to help.” If she apologizes, it isn’t genuine and is frequently followed by “Yes, but you…”
Impact on you: You always feel a bit lesser and not good enough.
3. She has to be right
Overt pattern: Mom tells anyone who will listen what she thinks—and she thinks plenty. She sounds off and won’t back down, no matter the evidence to the contrary. Her need to be right stems from her need to feel superior.
Covert pattern: Mom privately prevails on you to see things her way, although she keeps her feelings of superiority under wraps with others. With you, she can be relentless. She won’t quit trying to prove her point until you back down or give up your position entirely. You tell yourself, “It’s just not worth it.”
Impact on you: You let her win, and you carry a sense of inferiority.
4. She lacks empathy
Overt pattern: Mom can’t put herself in another person’s place. Frankly, she sees no need to do so. Instead, she bullies and dominates without a second thought about how her actions land.
Covert pattern: Mom insists she is in your corner but tells you that you are just too sensitive if you show hurt feelings. She blames you for the harm she causes and tells you her critical comments are “for your own good.”
Impact on you: If she hurts your feelings, you tell yourself that you are just too sensitive.
5. She needs to win
Overt pattern: Everything is a contest, and there are winners and losers. If Mom isn’t the winner, in her mind she is a loser. She will do almost anything to avoid that position.
Covert pattern: She can feel threatened when she can’t take credit for your success. The line from Snow White—“Mirror, mirror on the wall”—is very real to her. While most mothers take pride in their daughters’ beauty and accomplishments, a covert narcissistic mother may swing between appropriating your success and feeling threatened by it. She takes you down a notch with a backhanded compliment or a bit of doublespeak while retaining plausible deniability.
Impact on you: Despite your accomplishments, you are prone to imposter syndrome. You feel your successes are somehow a fluke and that you are only one misstep from failure.
6. She acts entitled
Overt pattern: Somehow, the rules don’t apply to Mom. She breaks in line, lies, expects special treatment for no reason, and thinks others should do her bidding just because.
Covert pattern: She is just as entitled, but she gets her way through manipulation. Her preferred ways to avoid being found out include gaslighting and artfully dodging the truth. She feels justified in bending the facts and portrays herself as the victim instead of owning up to victimizing another.
Impact on you: You stay confused and become prey for predatory personalities. Other people can easily take advantage of you, and you have a hard time calling them out—even in your own mind.
7. She exploits others
Overt pattern: She uses people and then discards or devalues them when they are no longer of use to her.
Covert pattern: She may look as if she is close and caring, but Mom is collecting chips she hopes to cash in when she needs them. This includes appropriating her daughter to supply her needs.
Many times, the covert narcissistic mother parentifies her daughter. She wants you two to be best friends—but only one friend is in charge. It isn’t a relationship of equals.
Impact on you: It gets harder and harder to get out from under her because she leans on you so heavily. She says she depends on you so much, but you can’t shake the feeling of being used.
8. She guilt-trips you
Overt pattern: All relationships are transactional, but the overt narcissist is pretty transparent about it. They seem shameless.
Covert pattern: You don’t know the relationship is transactional until you deny her something. Then she hits you with a load of guilt that tells you she has been counting all along.
Impact on you: You carry the sense that you owe her something. If you dare to want something for yourself—even a little space—she makes it clear that this is a transgression. You pay in guilt. That is the exchange currency.
9. She uses the silent treatment and withholds affection
Overt pattern: She uses you and then discards you. It is awful and can be abusive, but it is fairly straightforward in its callousness.
Covert pattern: If she is unhappy with you or feels you are getting out from under her control, she gives you the silent treatment. Her silence speaks louder than any words could.
Mom keeps the relational-tension leash tight and doesn’t let up until you’ve shown your fealty to her. She keeps you second-guessing until you have figured out what she thinks you did wrong and are working to get back into her good graces.
Impact on you: Silence can feel dangerous—even ordinary silence. You tend to seek reassurance in the vacuum, with Mom and with other people.
10. She says one thing and does another
Overt pattern: She has no trouble holding one standard for herself and another for everyone else. In almost comical proportions, the hypocrisy is hidden in plain sight. If you call her out, she denies it or attacks you. It is blatant if you are paying attention.
Covert pattern: A walking, talking contradiction, Mom rarely says what she means. Mind-reading is a requirement if you want to stay in her good graces. And since it is hell on earth to be outside them, you become a willing student.
You watch for her gestures: an eye roll, rage cleaning, the slammed doors—all backed with plausible deniability. “What? I’m not mad. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You learn to know when she is displeased without requiring her to own it.
Impact on you: At a basic level, you can’t let your guard down. You are always looking for subtext and reading between the lines. Trust doesn’t come easily, and you may not be aware of why.
11. She plays one sibling against another when it suits her purposes
Overt pattern: She has obvious favorites—one she praises and another she puts down. It isn’t pleasant or fair, but it is out in the open.
Covert pattern: She is more likely to recruit one child as her emotional partner. This arrangement looks as if it favors the parentified child, but look closer and you will see that it locks the child into a role she never asked for.
Impact on you: If you are the favored “good daughter,” you feel another layer of responsibility for maintaining a partnership with Mom. It makes it even harder to leave. If you are the scapegoated daughter, you may find that no one in the family will take your side or even acknowledge what you see.
12. She makes Dad’s life a living hell if he crosses her
Overt pattern: Mom is the boss, and no one messes with that. The pecking order is established.
Covert pattern: Mom is still in charge, but she plays the victim and makes Dad do her bidding.
Impact on you: Dad doesn’t protect you from her manipulations. You can’t really count on him. While he may agree with you in private, he caves when you need his backup. In the end, they are a package deal.
Why is covert narcissism so difficult to recognize in a mother?
We’re all familiar with the jerk at the bar, certain politicians, and the jerk of a boss you can barely tolerate. We even know to watch our backs around the mean girl, neighbor, or coworker who would throw us under the bus if it suited her purposes. We know the classic narcissistic signs, and we know to stay away.
But when it comes to our very own Mother Dearest, it gets a bit trickier.
A child needs her mother. She doesn’t have the luxury of moving out or finding another, so she follows a biological mandate to make it work, whatever it takes. Because she is used to putting Mom’s needs ahead of her own, she normalizes much of Mom’s behavior.
And it is even trickier when the traits are veiled, hidden, or covert.
If keeping Mom happy is what keeps the relationship—and perhaps the whole family—intact, you learn to pay very close attention to her. You may come to believe that this vigilance is simply who you are: overly responsible, conflict-avoidant, unable to make a decision, or strangely incapable of setting a boundary.
Underneath it all is an old, largely unconscious agreement: Mom needs to be okay and okay with you.
Why can’t anyone else—including my family—see it?
Women, especially mothers, are hyper-aware of what the culture expects from them. They know how to put on a good front. In fact, some are experts at it.
You will likely find a supporting cast of characters behind the scenes, including an enabling passive father and possibly a golden-child brother. No one outside the family is allowed a backstage pass to Mom’s inner workings.
If Dad has stuck around, he has most likely made his peace with the situation by doing her bidding instead of protecting you or standing up for himself. He is very invested in not rocking the boat and encourages you to do the same. With a “You know how your mother is,” the expectation is that she will get her way no matter the cost.
Her social relationships may be a mile wide and an inch deep, primarily designed for show. Unless everyone has had enough and flown the coop, only her daughter has intimate knowledge of her harmful ways.
This can be confusing at best, isolating and infuriating at worst.
What lies beneath narcissistic behavior?
Narcissism, at its core, is often a problem of desperate insecurity. The traits and defenses we are discussing keep Mom unaware of the painful reality she can’t face: feelings of unworthiness, shame, inadequacy, or emptiness.
The show of specialness, manipulation, superiority, and entitlement can be a carefully constructed act designed to keep those feelings out of awareness.
Understanding this does not mean excusing it. Her wounds may explain why she relates the way she does. They do not give her the right to use you to hold herself together.
Recognizing the pattern is not the same as knowing what to do
You may have spent years trying to explain yourself better, set better boundaries, or stop feeling guilty—only to end up pulled right back into the same exhausting dynamic. There is a reason for that.
You can understand your mother perfectly and still find yourself explaining, appeasing, freezing, or doing exactly what you promised yourself you would never do again. The problem doesn’t live only in your conscious thoughts. It also lives in the old agreement your survival brain made in childhood: keeping Mom happy keeps the relationship intact.
When you violate that agreement, guilt and anxiety can arrive before your adult mind has time to decide whether you have actually done anything wrong.
Guilt is not always proof of wrongdoing. Sometimes it is the feeling that comes with stepping outside an old role.
This is why a boundary is more than a sentence you say to your mother. The words themselves may be simple. The harder part is tolerating her disappointment, anger, collapse, silence, or accusation without rushing back into the Good Daughter role to make everything right.
I don’t believe the answer begins or ends with contact or no contact.
For some daughters, no contact is the only safe or workable choice. Other daughters want or need some form of relationship with their mothers. They may love them, care for them as they age, value cultural or religious ties, or simply not want complete estrangement. Many daughters live somewhere between self-sacrifice and walking away.
The real question isn’t “Should every daughter leave?” or “Should every daughter forgive?” It is: What relationship, if any, is possible without requiring you to surrender yourself?
Your mother is responsible for how she treats you and for how she responds now. You are responsible for what you do with your adult life. Those truths can exist together. Agency is not the same thing as blame. You didn’t create the role you were given, but you don’t have to live inside it forever.
Breaking free may mean firmer boundaries, less contact, no contact, or a more limited and realistic relationship. It may mean grieving the mother you needed but didn’t have. It may mean relinquishing the fantasy that the perfect explanation will finally change her. Most of all, it means learning to stay connected to your own perceptions and choices when she is not okay with them.
This is the deeper work at the heart of The Good Daughter Syndrome. The second half of the book moves beyond identifying your mother’s behavior. It helps you understand why guilt is such powerful glue, why ordinary advice about boundaries may not be enough, and how to make adult choices about contact, responsibility, and your own life.
You don’t have to live like that anymore. You can break free and still feel like a good person.
Read the second edition of The Good Daughter Syndrome.
Sources and further reading
What Are Personality Disorders?
American Psychiatric Association
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/personality-disorders/what-are-personality-disorders
Parental Psychological Control: Revisiting a Neglected Construct
Barber, B. K. (1996). Child Development, 67(6), 3296–3319.
https://doi.org/10.2307/1131651
The Handbook of Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Theoretical Approaches, Empirical Findings, and Treatments
Campbell, W. K., & Miller, J. D. (Eds.). (2011).
Parenting Narcissism and the Self-Esteem of Children
Horton, R. S., Bleau, G., & Drwecki, B. (2006). Personality and Individual Differences, 40(5), 995–1005.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2005.10.006
Expanding the Discussion Regarding Parentification and Its Varied Outcomes
Hooper, L. M. (2007). Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 29(4), 322–337.
https://doi.org/10.17744/mehc.29.4.m5473181m6907736
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—and Surprising Good—About Feeling Special
Malkin, C. (2015). HarperWave.
Controversies in Narcissism
Miller, J. D., Lynam, D. R., Hyatt, C. S., & Campbell, W. K. (2017). Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 13, 291–315.
https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-032816-045244
Pathological Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Pincus, A. L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 421–446.
https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.121208.131215
The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment
Pressman, R. M., & Pressman, S. (1994). Jossey-Bass.
The Sociology of Gaslighting
Sweet, P. L. (2019). American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419874843
Ostracism
Williams, K. D. (2007). Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 425–452.
https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.58.110405.085641
More from Daughters Rising
- When Mom Won’t Let Go
- How a Covert Narcissistic Mother Affects Her Daughter
- Setting Guilt-Free Boundaries With Mom
- The Passive, Enabling Father
- What Is the Good Daughter Syndrome?
- How to Deal With a Guilt-Tripping Mother
Frequently asked questions
How does a covert narcissistic mother relate to her daughter?
She may treat her daughter as an extension of herself, using criticism, guilt, parentification, or subtle pressure to keep the daughter attentive to her needs. The relationship may look close from the outside while leaving the daughter little room for a separate self.
Is a covert narcissistic mother aggressive and dominant?
Not always in an obvious way. She may rely on passive aggression, guilt, silence, victimhood, or plausible deniability rather than direct force. When challenged, however, the entitlement and hostility that were previously hidden may become much more visible.
Is covert narcissism the same as vulnerable narcissism?
The terms are often used interchangeably in popular writing, but the research is more nuanced. Vulnerability and grandiosity are dimensions that can coexist, and “covert narcissism” is not a separate formal diagnosis. The practical question for a daughter is whether a persistent pattern of entitlement, lack of empathy, control, and blame is harming her life.
What if my mother has traits but does not have narcissistic personality disorder?
A formal diagnosis is not required for a relational pattern to be harmful. Some mothers have narcissistic traits, are emotionally immature, or repeat defensive ways of relating without meeting criteria for a personality disorder. You can take the impact seriously without claiming certainty about a diagnosis.
Why do I feel so guilty when I set a boundary?
You may have learned very early that maintaining closeness required keeping your mother happy and putting her feelings first. A boundary violates that old relational agreement. The resulting guilt may reflect the fear of separation or disapproval rather than evidence that the boundary is wrong.
Do I have to go no contact with a covert narcissistic mother?
No single answer fits every daughter. Some need no contact for safety or psychological survival. Others choose limited contact or remain involved while changing the terms of the relationship. The goal is not to follow a universal rule. It is to decide what relationship, if any, is possible without continuing to surrender yourself.
Can I understand my mother without excusing her?
Yes. Understanding the insecurity, shame, trauma, or emotional limitations beneath her behavior can give you clarity. It does not require you to deny the impact, permit continued harm, or give her unlimited access to your life.
I found out the answer at 35 because of your help online. Thank you so much!!! God be with you as He is daily with me
Hi Emily,
Thank you for writing. I’m glad it helped.
Take care,
Katherine
I’m a 51 year old man, and decided to block my mother’s phone number . It felt like a new day the following morning and I looked up covert narcissist mothers and read this one confirming my experience with the control by subtle shaming for one example and I can’t exaggerate enough how serious it actually is. Now I need to ask if I will ever go back and in what circumstances. How to erect healthy boundaries for good. I owe her nothing.
Hi-
I’m recently divorced from a vulnerable narcissist and have split custody of our 6 yr old daughter. My ex wife’s anger was always targeted at me, but after she lashed out at our daughter in front of me– I realize she took my place & everything is redirected solely on her.
Do you know of any good resources for handling this? Her mom is an extreme vulnerable narcissist, on steroids with every trait magnified.
Thanks!
Hi Ivan-
How difficult it must be to witness your ex’s behavior towards the daughter you both share. It’s hard for you because you can’t go directly at your ex. You can, however offer your daughter a sense of stability and base your parenting on supporting her (your daughter’s) separate sense of self. Don’t underestimate how powerful the experience of a different way of relating to her can be.
You might have guessed this already, but the danger here is that/if your daughter feels the need to defend her mother. So you are best to tread lightly and not bring that on- as tempting as it might be.
This type of mother/daughter dynamic tends to produce a very enmeshed relationship. That is… your daughter may have a hard time differentiating from her mother and instead settle for being her ally.
If you are patient however- there will come a time when your daughter will most likely turn to you and need your help in sorting out her dynamic with her mother.
For now, my best guess is.. that you will have to settle for modeling a different type of parenting.
Of course it would be great if your daughter could form a relationship with a therapist where she could sort through her experience without feeling like she is betraying one parent over the other.
Best of luck,
Katherine
Are there any forms of free support for an adult living with a covert narcissist parent? I used to have a career, earning over 100 grand/yr living in NYC. I left my career, the plan for next phase didn’t go well, I went through my savings, and it was either move in with my mother or be homeless. 3 years later, I have no glasses, an expired ID, no bank account, and no phone. My name isn’t on anything. My sister owns the place and so, the second my mother dies, I am homeless. There is zero chance I’ll be able to stay here. My sister hates me. Actually, she cant be bothered to hate me. It’s just apathy. She won’t help. I technically am homeless since my name isn’t on anything. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. The amount of time it would take to save enough to move out… I can’t seem to be productive consistently. I have a couple weeks where I earn okay with the at-home closed captioning work I do (which is on an account in her name, not mine), but then I have weeks where I’m unproductive. The stress is overwhelming physically as well as emotionally. And every is soul-crushing. If it weren’t for my cat (who is the most loving animal ever and who relies on me) I’d have walked into traffic long ago. Obviously, I can’t pay for therapy, or I’d have done that from the start.
Hi E.Fay,
I have to say your comment left me somewhat at a loss… There is of course so much I can’t know reading your post. Mostly what I can say is I am so very sorry things look so dire for you. Depending on your state and community I don’t know what in-person resources are available to you.
So I will respond to your question- are there any free resources for an adult living with a covert narcissist?
In the past few years, there has been an explosion of folks that are sharing their time, effort, and expertise with you on the internet.
You, and anyone reading may discount these resources because they are free. Don’t make that mistake.
Most of us who write about mental health issues (who are individual authors) pour hours into researching and writing what we know. We write because we wished there was someone out there for us when we needed this information. The percentage of folks who purchase our paid offerings compared to how many read and benefit for free is minuscule.
Yes, the gold standard is individual or group help… however even those folks who come in for their first session with me have had the benefit of educating themselves from me and many others online- before we have our first session. This turbocharges what we are able to accomplish in much less time.
It is a win-win for all.
So while it certainly sounds like you need/want therapy ( which you say you can’t afford- and I get it) you can make a plan to read the many articles online about covert narcissism, make a plan to exercise, and meditate ( good youtube guided mediation videos to choose from) every day without spending a dime.
If any of the above speaks to you as useful I am glad, and if it is not a good fit for your situation, please disregard it.
I wonder if that girl who made over 100k in her career in NYC and felt like life was good at one time is still in there. Take one step towards self-sufficiency at a time and see how that feels. I’m rooting for you and your wonderful divine feline companion 🙂
Katherine
O.M.G!!!!! E. Fay I can SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO relate to you and your story….thank you for sharing….there is so much that you wrote of that hits the bulls eye for me. I just recently discovered this site and am learning so much. Unfortunately I am 74….not a lot of time left that I’m aware of but I’m getting energized just readking all that I can on this subject. It is giving me soooooo much comfort and understanding. And even hope that maybe it isn’t too late to make some changes for myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Hang in!
Hi E. Fay! I am in a similar parallel and deeply felt what you wrote. I was making 80k and then was laid off abruptly and I lost my apartment in Charleston SC. Grew up in MA but moved, as did my sisters, far from my toxic parents, and after 4 years no contact had to move in with them or be homeless. Been here for 2 years now. Father is a sociopathic narcissist and mother is a covert narc which I only realized when I got back here becasue her abuse was so hidden behind his overt rage and all the guilt bc of ‘how much she’s done for me’ lol. It took me so long to find work while being harrassed by both of them making me feel like a worthless failure all over again and finally was able to get a job as an Amazon driver making $20/hr-big change from before. It’s hard for us to not have all these things impact our sense of self worth especially when we grew up like we did-by narcs who only prioritize the external. I like what Katherine said about little by little. The rent aspect was something crippling me too as I can no longer work 40 hour weeks. I had to think outside the box. My plan is to trade my Civic for an RV and work at a library (peaceful not stressful) somewhere down south where there is sun for 3 days/week and taking months to travel. Also just had a work injury and have been using the 2 months off to study interior design which I like. I feel like finding something that isn’t mind numbingly boring for work is so crucial because that can help revive our weary spirits. Much love.
omg this story is crazy. i had to look TWICE at your name bc i thought somehow my own story got on here. i know you posted this in 2022, but if you do see this PLEASE REACH OUT TO ME!! there isn’t enough support groups (that are free) for children of narcissists.
Thanks so much for this. My mother is a covert narcissist who engaged in all of these behaviors, and my older brother is also like that. This led to me repeating these relationship patterns in romantic relationships and friendships until a couple of years ago, when I woke up and realized what was happening. I no longer interact with them because it’s too painful, and it’s been a long road recovering from all of this, but I’ve built a great life with my husband and stepdaughter. Sadly, my stepdaughter’s mother is also a covert narcissist, and now I see the same things playing out from an outsider’s perspective. My husband and I work hard to create a stable, loving, and positive environment at our home to counteract her experiences with her mom, but it’s still hard dealing with this person as a co-parent. Do you have any advice for dealing with a covert narcissist as a co-parent or any resources?
H I Alexis-
I’m glad you’ve found my article helpful, and good for you that you have managed to get some distance from the people in your life that are hurtful.
You ask a good question about what you can do as a stepmother as you notice your stepdaughter’s mother operating out of the same playbook.
Yours is a tricky role, as I am sure you are aware. You can probably make the most impact in an indirect way. You are kind of boxed in- in that if you criticize your stepdaughter’s mother, your stepdaughter will most likely come to her mother’s defense- not because you are wrong, but because young children tend to come to the dense of the most fragile parent. They can’t see the manipulation- not until they are much older, and even then- it needs to be her observation.
That leaves you in the position of offering an alternative way of relating. And she will see you and her father relating in a healthy way.
Indeed, it may take many years, but eventually, she will most likely be able to see it and appreciate your approach. I know that means waiting- perhaps years before you see any payoff. That will take huge amounts of patience, but I think in the long run will be well worth it in the long run.
Best of luck,
Katherine
Does it somehow sound like you may have to be a perfect mom in order to not be considered a narcissist? Just a thought
Dear Anonymous,
I imagine many readers out there might feel the same way. And, as odd as it may seem on the surface of it, I agree with your sentiment.
In my way of thinking, the opposite of a narcissistic mother isn’t a perfect mother… but one who is comfortable with her own imperfections.
She is open to listening and considering her daughter’s (or son’s) point of view, doesn’t have to be right or perfect, and can admit when she is wrong. She is able to offer a genuine apology when warranted and works to repair any hurt inadvertently caused by her actions because people don’t always feel what we intend.
She can be vulnerable and empathize. She can entertain her child’s perspective without vehemently defending her own.
Looking back as a mother of two grown daughters, I wish I had spent more time empathizing with them and less time trying to be some (culturally dictated) version of perfect.
Take care,
Katherine
My mother is a covert narcissist. I started seeing the odd signs when i went into therapy at a young age of 14 for an eating disorder and the therapist explain to me that my behaviors seemed to exist because of the relationship with my mom. My mom would constantiy yell at the therapist. It was nuts. now im 33 years old with a husband and two young boys and the manipulation, guilt, control, and shame still exist. My husband is tired of it. He wants me to cut off my mother but i dont know how because everytime I do she becomes more crazy and more MEAN. Her scariness has no limits and she wont stop until she gets what she wants which is a reaction out of me. Last time i cut her off for a year my therapist recommended a restraining order just bc my mom started coming to my house harassing me. We patched things up after that but its like she can only fake nice for so long before the monster comes out. I dont want to cut her off again because im scared of the blacklash. But how do i convince my husband to deal with the crazy?
Dear Niki,
I’m sorry you are having to deal with an extremely difficult situation.
I will respond with the understanding that I don’t know much about your situation and that you should consult with a therapist or another professional to dig into the particulars.
With that in mind- here are my thoughts-
From what you have written… I am to understand that a professional has already pointed to your mother’s role in your eating disorder, your husband wants you to cut her off, and a past therapist has recommended a restraining order.
From those observations, it looks safe to say people who care and know much more about your situation (either professionally or personally) see your mother as harmful to you.
But, if I understand where you are coming from… you say appease her a little, and she won’t be so bad. And you want your husband on board with that program.
You may think your mom is unique- and she may be… however If she is like my clients’ mothers, she may not be so unique. What she is doing and has done may fit a pattern that is recognizable.
I wonder if you know deep down that she (Mom) will never be satisfied with just a little- that she won’t stop until she has you totally under her control. That’s just how the personality-disordered mother is driven to act.
It is important now to look at the dynamics of a bully. They get their way through intimidation. Interestingly, covert narcissists will show their narcissism when they are challenged. In other words, you may have unmasked your mother’s narcissism by setting boundaries or limits.
It can unleash their sense of entitlement.
If this fits your situation so far (and it may not), you may want to ask yourself some questions-
If you give in to her bullying, where will your relationship with your husband be in 5 or 10 years?
What message do you want to send to your boys about standing up for themselves?
And last but definitely not least, do you find yourself working to appease everyone and never really considering what you want out of life?
If so, you can plot a new course for yourself if you are highly motivated. It isn’t easy and won’t be quick, but there is a way out of being held hostage by your difficult mother and claiming your life for yourself.
If you need more support I can help with my book The Good Daughter Syndrome®The Good Daughter Syndrome® .
I wish you all the best,
Katherine
Thank you for this article I related to all of it. I am the ‘good’ daughter, except for a rebellious streak as a teenager. My mum fits the bill perfectly and extracting myself is very difficult. I found that although covert, at home, when my dad wasn’t there, my mum was incredibly aggresive verbally and at times violent, when I was a young child and teenager, I was certainly afraid of her anger and that ‘voice’ she used in public which I knew meant trouble after. However, you say in the FAQs that covert narcissists aren’t agressive and dominant? I found that behind closed doors she expressed more overtly narcissistic traits. Reading this also reminded me that I learnt a lot of my coping strategies and behaviours from her – playing victim, finding it hard to take responsibility, being passive aggressive, although I am working on all of these, with the help of free programmes and therapy. My mum is like a social butterfly, everyone thinks she’s wonderful and I just feel sick with dread now when I have to have any contact with her. It was particularly helpful that you touched upon the role of the dad, my dad is exactly like you describe as is my ‘golden child’ brother. Where does it end? As they age do they soften or become worse? My golden child brother is getting married in May, I am dreading it. I know I have to go, I will take my husband and children. Do you have any advice for this type of occasion. The wedding is big, I have three brothers (none acknowledge fully the truth of our mother) and my mother is like a director at occasions, she wants us all to dance (inculding my young children) to her tune and show us off and criticise me, whilst making it look like a joke or try to demand affection and guilt trip me 24/7. I’m not overweight but I am already stressing about my appearance and thinking about losing weight to physically shrink myself and try to avoid her criticism, but also avoid people complimenting me because she will become jealous and start finding other ways to shame me. I’d really appreciate any feedback.
Dear Jade,
Wow, you have certainly learned and identified a lot. It sounds like you have been living a nightmare.
And bravo to you for doing your own therapy and claiming and rethinking your own coping strategies!
You point out something very important, and that is that any covert narcissist can behave overtly- given the right circumstance -perhaps the presumed privacy your mom thought she had when you were younger. Because narcissism, in all its varieties, is driven by the same underlying motivation. Your loss is their gain.
Sometimes they are a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and sometimes they are just a wolf.
Unfortunately, at this level (what you describe here), it becomes part of a family system with the golden child ( sometimes brother) and passive dad. As you point out, that makes it even trickier. Her tentacles reach into all the inner psychological workings of family relationships.
It is hard to extricate yourself from the system without knowing and addressing the underlying traps I talk about in my book, The Good Daughter Syndrome®. Moms like yours get their hold over you from very early childhood, and the unconscious agreements your survival brain makes just to get along can keep you tied to her needs instead of attending to your own.
Do check the book out if you need additional support. Breaking free from a mother (such as what you have described here) is very difficult, but it is possible.
I know you’ve asked for specific advice on your brother’s wedding. I could give you some ideas, but they would only scratch the surface without the deep internal work that needs to come first so that when you set boundaries and refuse to dance to her tune, and she pushes back… you are prepared.
From what you’ve written here, it sounds like you have what it takes to take on this huge but oh-so-important psychological and developmental task
Best of luck,
Katherine
Hello,
Just wanted to say that you give very thoughtful and helpful replies. Your information about these relationships is very insightful. Thank you for the time and effort you share here!
Jewell,
Thank you so much. I do like to go into the specifics and reply to the real-time questions and address the issues that come up for individuals. I so appreciate that you took the time to say this.
Take care,
Katherine
Hello ! I am 68 years old and I have 3 sisters. Each our turn every week we go spend the day with our 90 year old Mother.We bring her shopping, go to restaurant,visit friends,etc.
And it is never enough.
Finally after all these years We finally understand she is : A Covert Narcissist
She’s manipulated us our hole life. And now she is still doing it. The guilt trip because we won’t bring her living with one of us. It is Absolutely impossible ,she needs to much care.
She is living in the best place for her ,a 5 stars home for the elderly. We need guidance to know how to react to her demands.
Our Dad passed away a few years ago and now we know he was a saint living with her for 65 years.
If you have any suggestions ,we do not know what to do.
She does not have that many years left so we feel always sad and guilty .
Hi Lyse,
I hear you. It is a familiar story that just when you are hoping she would mellow… a narcissist can get worse, much worse with age.
It makes it so uncomfortable when you want to make her last years more pleasant and she makes it impossible to please her.
If you can take in the following advice- this will save your sanity.
I know it is easier said than done and is counter intuitive but the key is to stop trying to please her. Trying to please her only gives her ammunition to keep you in the game. Instead you have to make peace with yourself and your efforts.
Here is another blog post I wrote on the subject. https://daughtersrising.info/2021/07/16/how-to-deal-with-an-elderly-narcissistic-mother-12-tips-to-save-your-sanity/.
If it helps at all I hear from daughters of elderly narcissistic mothers. You aren’t alone.
Take care,
Katherine
Thanks for this brilliant article – it exactly describes my mother. Oddly, she wasn’t as extreme in these behaviours when I was a small child, but when her support system broke away and she got re-traumatized (she indeed had a horrible childhood), she started isolating herself and since then becomes worse and worse. I am 38 years old, still single and allowed my mom to live with me in my house (that I own, not rent) because she was always so helpless, poor and not in good health. For decades, I bent over and backwards (emotionally and financially) trying to help mom, make her happy and heathly and heailing her pain. It didn’t work.
I start to see through her games and build up boundaries. I realized how she made me stay away from relationships and friendship to only be with her. But still I feel loads of guilt when I think like this about my mom because “she did so much for me and is just a poor victim of her life”….It’s a long way indeed.
But my question is: How can I keep my sanity PLUS build an own life while living with her? She is over 70. The last thing I can and want to do is to kick her out of the place she calls home. But on the other hand, I still pay the mortgage for my house and cannot afford moving out and paying rent while keeping my house (I love this house, it is my dream house). She has no money because she cannot handle her finances. She is deeply in debt and has almost no rent.
Any ideas when no contact (or even hanging up the phone when it is too much) is no answer? Thansk a lot!!
Hi Sandra,
It sounds as if you, like so many daughters I counsel, feel conflicted about your mom. You love her and want to care for her but don’t want to relate to her in ways that make your life hellish. And the feeling that gets in your way of doing what you need to do is guilt.
This is primarily why I wrote my book, The Good Daughter Syndrome®. Because it’s not just like a bad boyfriend or even a bad husband that you can dissolve the relationship and put it behind you.
No, with a difficult mother, you may have very mixed emotions and you may need or want to be involved with her.
From what you have described, I can see how you have more leverage than you might be aware. There are things you can say and do that will put the relationship on a more healthy footing.
But first, you need to heal the little girl inside of you so that she can feel good about all of the changes that will bring you more peace. That is possible. Not easy but possible.
You sound like an incredibly generous and kind person. There is a way out… but it takes more than what I can write in. comment to a blog post. I think my book would help you. Read the reviews and see if they sounds like you.
You deserve to have other relationships in your life and to be happy.
Best of luck,
Katherine
Thanks for your article. I have been no contact with my parents for a few years now and moved to get better healthcare treatment.
My brother is definitely the golden child and won’t acknowledge anything bad my mom has done “she would never do something like that.” I’m saddened I have to go no contact with him too because he’s been trying to guilt trip me into calling her after I specifically set the boundaries to not talk about our parents or be pressured into talking to them.
My dad is an overt narcissist and they would frequently work together or fight each other. My mom admitted she provoked him to “punish” me and make me plea with her so she wouldn’t provoke him again each time she got any dirt on me.
Nowadays, my mom is playing victim to anyone who will listen that I abandoned and used her. I wish so badly there could be a path forward. I’m not even sure i would want to visit them on their deathbeds or go to their funerals.
Dearest Grace,
,
While you didn’t ask me a direct question… I just had to respond to all of what you wrote.
First of all, I hear the pain of dealing with two realllllllly difficult parents who played you one against the other- pretty evil stuff if you ask me.
Then your brother who is not only no help but refuses to honor your boundaries.
That must be so very hard.
Then this,… “ I wish so badly there could be a path forward.” I hear the angst, the heartbreak, the wish… no matter how slim or improbable.
I wish all of the parents of estranged children could realize that their children do not want to be estranged – that they feel they have no other choice but to do so. That it truly is a last resort for most.
And finally, their children are feeling real grief- often ongoing grief.
I hope you will check out my book, The Good Daughter Syndrome®. While it doesn’t focus on going no contact tt will either reaffirm your decision and help you feel more solid about it or it might open up a pathway you haven’t considered. At the very least, it has the potential to soothe the pangs of guilt/heartache you may have when you think about your decision and help you through this grief period.
Either way, I wish you the best, and I wish you didn’t have to feel this pain.
My best,
Katherine
My covert narcissist mother has an insatiable need to be needed. She wants to be who her kids and grandkids turn to for everything from advice to financial support. As a young adult – She would help me get a job so I could move out of hee house and when I became successful – she would cause me to get fired so I’d need to move back in or need help pating bills for a few months.
Her help was often a setup – she sent me away to college and was paying my room rent then suddenly stopped mid semester right when rent was due – forcing me to drop out and work to earn enough to fly myself home. She told everyone I quit school cuz ‘I couldn’t hack it”.
I got her to stop trying to make me need her by letting her pay for my kids tuition at private school. She paid for braces for them.
She would get upset if I paid for things for my kids. She would tell everyone how she had to provide for them because I wouldn’t. When my daughter was in college my mom hated when I would send my daughter money. (So I would send her even more) She wanted my daughter to only turn to her for everything.
When I wouldn’t stop helping – she started smear campaigns against me. Made my daughter think what I would say has a totally different meaning than it did. Got her to stop talking to me for 3 years and then 1.5 years.
I covert Narcissist blames one kid for their misery and turns the whole family against them over things that aren’t even happening. For example when my daughter was at the end of high school – I was filling out the FAFSA application. My mother said to get my taxes done. I was on disability at the time -which your not even allowed to file taxes on. I told her this and she told the family I refused to file because I was trying to make it so my daughter couldn’t move away for college. She had the whole family calling me asking me why would I do this to my daughter. I told all of them and emailed them proof that you don’t file taxes when on SSI. They still believed her. The worst was my daughter believed her. When the FAFSA processed with no issues my mom didn’t apologize for lying to everyone. She told me – “I gust want what’s best for her” She didnt care that making my daughter think i would do that to her hurt her. Its particularly crazy because I moved from Hawaii to California 6 years earlier just so my daughter could go to college as a resident. I didn’t know anyone in California. I was a single mom. Another example of fake support is she gave my x husband money to hire an attorney to get full custody then acts surprised and sympathet when I told her. She said – we are here for you. We will support you in any way you need. His lawyer hated women and was so underhanded that he later ban from practicing law. I represented my self and won. I found out she paid for his lawyer a few months later.
A covert Narcissist mother wants the grandkids to herself and stops at nothing to get it. Demanding weekly sleepovers (where she would t even spend much time with her) She lavishes them with expensive gifts. Consider all acts of kindness towards you to do with the kids as suspicious. I had to move back in for a few months when my son was 3.She started offering to drop him off and pick him up at preschool daily. Then she started insisting to do it. It seemed off – then I got a call from my stepdad saying I have to come to his office – also weird -so I refused and went and picked up my son early instead. His teacher was really surprisedtosee me and took me aside and said my mother was telling her I wasn’t able to care for my son and that she would be taking custody. She told me they were scheduled to have me committed against my will that afternoon . The teacher said it was obvious to her that she’d been lied to. I rushed back to my mother’s – packed and left before she came home. My stepdad said she flipped out screaming when she realized I got away.
Too many stores to tell here.
I didn’t know why so was horrible to me until about a month ago. I’m 56.
Wow- just wow. I’ve heard a lot of stories but this one takes the cake.
I am so very sorry you have been treated so horribly.
I hope you can get away from this toxicity and the farther the better.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think it will help others.
Take care,
Katherine
Hi and thank you for your enlightening writing. I am 41 years old and recently after reading your text I realized that my mother is a covert narcissist.
when i read all the points they all fit exactly with her behavior and how she has been throughout the years in my life.
she always got mad if I talked to my dad or wanted to do something with him and she wasn’t around. she behaved like a defiant 5 year old in her behavior.
she has always favored my elder brother.
when I was younger she could tell me that I had saggy breasts, that I behaved like a whore, etc.
the biggest and most energy draining through the years is her negative side to everything and everyone and that she is always a victim no matter what it is about.
guilt and shame she is extremely good at transferring to me.
1/2 year ago I got fed up with her behavior and asked her to talk to a speech therapist, but she got very angry with me then.
since then I have not spoken to her and now I have cut ties with her completely.blocked her number. it’s tough but at the same time I feel much better without her than with her Even if she is my mum.
Thank you so much for your text
Hi Sofie-
Thank you for writing. I’m glad the website is helping you sort things out for yourself. It is better to know what/whom you are dealing than to suffer wondering if you are the problem. It is too bad that some mothers are troubled people underneath and their vulnerable children pay the price.
It sounds like you have found the solution that is right for you.
I hope you will take care of yourself,
Katherine
This is an excellent article. The best I have ever read about NPD mothers, and I have been studying this for a while. Only significant part this is missing (in my case) is the “Are you OK?” and making you appear crazy and smearing you when you stand up for yourself or try and get her to understand your point.
This goes hand in hand with the “she holds onto your failures, waiting for the right time to throw them back in your face when it serves her purposes.” part. I was on SSRI’s for no more than 4 months due to anxiety a few years ago. This gave her the perfect excuse to act like I am having an mental breakdown or episode (which I have never done) and she still holds that against me and brings it out when she can to discredit me.
Hi Hugo-
Thank you for your comment.
Agreed- the “are you okay?” when issued to indicate that there must be something wrong with you or discredit you when you are calling them out or simply trying to get clarity -is a common play in a covert narcissists playbook to deflect away from their unacceptable behavior and put you back on your heels.
A person in a balanced genuine relationship says ” are you okay” out of caring. A narcissist is playing a zero sum game and relates in order to defeat their relational partner. As you have noted, this makes a world of difference.
Take care,
Katherine
Wow, this totally describes my mother. I haven’t seen her pitting my sibling against me or vice versa, but everything else pretty much 100%.
No accountability, poor emotional control, wants to keep things (e.g. agreements/arrangements) vague instead of clear and written-down (so as to not be held to anything), attacks me with insults and past perceived wrongs (many of which were just me trying to take actions in my life that I felt were the best for me) when I bring up any grievances or things I want changed. Says will do something then never does, and if I dare bring it up or hold her too it she will bring out every (irrelevant) attack against me that she can. So a liar, essentially. Will treat me like dirt in private, and then as soon as outside or around guests, flips a switch and acts like everything is fine. Very confusing, and almost gives you whiplash. When she is upset with me about something, I feel stressed, and it’s not until she decides to be happy that I can breathe a sigh of relief. But it’s unpredictable, so I have no sense of stability or emotional safety.
Acts nice and gives me things some times, but presumably only to add to a scorecard that she can hit me over the head with when I later don’t go along with something that she wants from me. Tries to “punish” me for not doing what she wants, even if she could help me out at no great inconvenience to herself. Apparently me “doing what I want” is a sin, and I’m bad for living my life how I want.
I moved back in in early 30s due to a chronic illness that caused me to give up my job/career. I have stayed at her house (parents divorced young) for the past few years while trying to recover to a point where I can work again, and thought I was going a refuge or a safe haven, but have discovered as an adult how dysfunctional she is (and presumably how much my childhood was) and becoming more aware of how poorly she treats me and how I deserve better. Probably the same reason I ended up in a relationship with a girl who was similarly a (1) liar, (2) non-communicator, (3) punished me/acted cold when I did something she didn’t like — because this was the dynamic I was used to, so it didn’t feel off (and still doesn’t totally, unfortunately).
Anyway, trying to extricate myself from this situation, and get to a place where I *feel* I deserve better, because logically I know I do (and in the right environments in the past, I also feel I do), but for a long while now I have been feeling bad, and it’s hard to fight against that when you have a reminder every day trying to tell you that you are bad and shouldn’t be trying to take care of yourself and are selfish for not sacrificing your boundaries and needs to take responsibility for someone else’s life and emotions.
Do you have any advice for a daughter of a covert narc and hoarder? She and my 50 year old brother live in the same “home” and are both level 4 hoarders. The only utilities they have is electricity. No heat in the winter and window a/c for the summer. He has been completely enmeshed with her his entire life. Not allowed to drive have relationships etc. My mother was just diagnosed with endometrial cancer and I am terrified and feel hopeless for the future when I will have to deal with the house and inherit my brother.
Hi Lana,
That sounds truly awful. But,… this might sound like a dodge or even worse, a shameless book promotion, but.. if I were you, I would arm myself with as much information on the position you have been in and feel like you might be pulled back into.
Because when you know the understandable role, stemming from your mother’s pathology and the resulting dysfunctional dynamic this family dynamic has put you in, you will generate more choices going forward. You are NOT doomed, but it will take more than a reply on a blog comment section to lay the whole thing out. Check out my book, The Good Daughter Syndrome, and check back in with me when you have read it if you have any more questions.
I wish you strength and the best,
Katherine
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
This is difficult, but necessary. I AM THIS MOM.
Nearly 4 years ago my husband passed unexpectedly at the age of 57. His death was followed by his sister, my stepmom and my dad – all between Jan. & July. My life was an absolute trainwreck. I leaned on my youngest daughter the most (we worked the family business together). I had no idea how to grieve, and I was certainly not in any decent mindset to help her. In September of ’22 my daughter and I had a terrible fight. She hasn’t spoken to me since. I miss her terribly, and her 3 children, my grands.
I threw myself an epic pity party for months. My thoughts were that since we’d lost so many people, this should be the time our family comes together, but instead, the entire family imploded.
As of today, 3 of my 4 adult children don’t speak to me. I haven’t seen 8 of my 11 grands. No phone calls, birthdays, or holidays. There’s not a single one of my in-laws that speak to me.
I heard through the grapevine that one of my kids said I was a narcissist. That’s how I ended up here, on this site. Through reading here, I completely identify with so much of what you describe. I’m ashamed and humbled to know that I have caused so much of the angst in not only my life, but my children too.
I’ve purchased 2 copies of your book “The good daughter syndrome”. One for me, and one for my youngest daughter. After I read it, I plan to send her the second book along with a letter. I can’t even begin to formulate the contents of the letter until I read your book and let the information simmer in my head. I know enough already to admit that I am my mother’s daughter too. It’s time to break this cycle, and hopefully be a better person for the remainder of my life. I have such great hopes that my youngest daughter will (or maybe has) break free from what she experienced growing up under my unreasonable need to control and manipulate everyone’s life but my own.
Proof that even at age 60, an old dog can learn new tricks.
Thank you for what you’ve done here. I know I’m on the path of success for myself first, my children second.
Dear Ronda,
This is among the most gratifying comments I’ve gotten. I want to applaud you for your hard-won insights. As a mother of grown children, and an old dog myself, 66 years old in fact, I, too, have made mistakes and needed to make amends with my daughters. That is what cycle breakers do. And it is deep, humbling, but ultimately the most important work we can do – both for ourselves and those who come after. I tend to think women are amazing and capable of moving mountains. To repair the harm we have done while living without any apology for the harm that was done to us takes courage and fortitude in my book.
Nothing makes me happier than learning that what I’ve written may have opened the door for a second chance at healing.
I wish you and your daughters all the best,
Katherine
This won’t be the most original, insightful comment, rather a venting of resentment, that has built up, since being neglected by my mother who let me fall into the hands of a and paedophile, aged 13. then this woman, actually blamed me for this and called me a liar , so that I was shaped, feeling guilty, for this, too. I stuck by family, as I believed this would provide the ‘security’, ha ha, I so needed. This ugly guilt shaped my teenage years, so I gew up confused and with such low self esteem that I wanted to jump in front of a train, when I went to college, crippled, now with shyness and feeling different from my peers… I took some independent therapy, to get by……. I guess the therapy I had since 16 years old, shaped me, too and this practice became a surragate mother for me.
The darkest aspect was that my own mother was, actually a counsellor and seminal member of the BACP!! A supervisor and counsellor, herself!
So… a classic covert narcissist and so well coverd that I couldn’t see her true colours, until I contracted acute encephalitis and began seeing a brilliant Headway counsellor, who identified my mother as a covert narcissist, who was jealous of her daughter. This was revelatory to me and shocking but, at last, i learned the truth!
That was 15 years ago and many counsellors later and much alternative therapy, I am learning to avoid her as much as I can. She’s flipping 93 and still playing mind games, with me… it’s disgusting. My father died, this time, last year. A bully and my mother’s ‘protector’, I really thought this would provide some respite and that she could reform but he was just her foil and they worked as a tight team….from here, she’s actually become worse than ever and playing mind games, with my father’s probate and setting me up to appear greedy, when I’m anything but!
My brother’s have been successfully programmed by this woman and still believe she is wonderful, strong and a great mother and take care of her, daily! I cannot help but confronting her, from time to time so she tells my brother’s that I am giving her a hard time and they believe her! It’s so insipid as I am now disabled with resisuals of my brain injury, which was actually Lyme Disease, diagnosed as MS!
SDAMN CONFUSING! and perfect for her as she tells everyone It has effected my mental health and that I need to take anti psychotics!
Nooooo!! She has been working on my own beautiful sons, now, too… Nooooooooo and one of them, very sadly, has fallen into believing her wickid ways 🙁 🙁
So it really is a living nightmare with little chance of escaping with what little strength, I have retained!
Thank God for some brilliant therapists, who know the truth and have educated me to a high degree, on these matters. My mother knows this and this only makes her more vindictive…… despite hip surgery, in a weeks time… She is still, mimimising the importance ot the care, I will need and her suport financially for her daughter.
Dream On! Finally, I can saee the full picture and it’s not that pretty and I need to run away from these ugly people, as fast as my legs will still carry me!