At the end of this article, you will be able to tell if you suffer the symptoms of being a daughter of a covert narcissistic mother or one high in covert narcissistic traits.
Before we get to the symptoms of daughters of covert narcissistic mothers, let’s begin with a description of the difference between an overt narcissistic mother and a covert narcissistic mother.
(If you need a refresher, I’ve gone into great detail describing what constitutes a covert narcissistic mother here.)
Here, I will quickly summarize the outstanding characteristics and how they differ so that you can better understand where your particular mother is coming from so that you can free yourself from her psychological grip.
Your typical overt narcissistic mother is easy to spot. She talks nonstop about herself, is openly critical, thinks she is the best at everything, and makes sure everyone knows it.
As obnoxious as she can be, you can see her coming a mile away.
The covert narcissistic mother has more of a velvet-gloved iron fist. More typically, she underplays her hand, comes off as the victim, and does her dirty work in more surreptitious ways. She undermines others rather than openly competing with them and provokes guilt and shame in others in others rather than the overt bullying ways of the typical narcissist.
The way she relates may look harmless on the outside, but underneath her carefully constructed social facade, you will find a master manipulator with an iron-solid hidden agenda.
In summary, a covertly narcissistic mother still needs to feel special– she hides it better.
Her parenting style is built on enmeshment, parentification, and appropriation. If you are the daughter of a covert narcissist, the boundaries between you and her are blurred. You are not sure where Mom ends and you begin.
These elements lay the groundwork for understanding her impact on you. Let’s take a closer look and see if you relate.
Damaging Effects of a Covert Narcissistic Mother On Her Daughter
Symptom #1) You Feel Chronically Guilty
Because Mom keeps her daughter on a short emotional leash, any time her daughter steps out on her own by having an opinion, having another close relationship, or making a decision on her own (you get the picture), she feels guilty. Half the time, she isn’t even sure why she feels guilty.
Mom has her so well trained that she can’t make a move without Mom, say ” no,” or do anything that Mom interprets as rejection without suffering pangs of guilt.
Never mind—this is completely unfair, unhealthy, and mostly unconscious. The expectations that her daughter be at her mother’s beck and call are largely implied rather than outwardly stated. However, break those “rules,” and the Mom will let you know in no uncertain terms that you are out of bounds.
For the daughter of the covert narcissist, guilt is her default emotion. She feels all of the time for almost everything.
Damaging Effects of a Covert Narcissistic Mother On Her Daughter
Symptom # 2) You Never Feel Good Enough
Seemingly “supportive” on the outside yet unrelentingly judgmental in private, the covert narcissistic mother finds her daughter lacking or ” not good enough.” She constantly needs to critique and “ improve” her.
Driving this dynamic is the mother’s need to project her flaws onto someone else. She actually needs her daughter to fall short of the mark to keep up this dysfunctional dynamic.
Because Mom is privately critical and dogmatically “ improves” you “for your own good,” perfectionism can set in and becomes the only acceptable standard.
And perfectionism is a relentlessly cruel taskmaster.
Damaging Effects of a Covert Narcissistic Mother On Her Daughter
Symptom #3) You Feel Overly Responsible for Her Mother’s Well-Being
Although rarely stated explicitly, covert narcissistic mothers expect their daughters to take care of them emotionally. The familiar phrase, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy,” rings all too true in your experience.
While it might seem that the over involved, micromanaging, intrusive covert narcissistic mother is caring for her daughter, a closer look will tell you that it is Mom’s need to be needed run the show.
An attuned daughter, especially one in the role of the Good Daughter understands the assignment– make sure mom is okay and okay with you.
Damaging Effects of a Covert Narcissistic Mother On Her Daughter
Symptom # 4) You Struggle With Setting Boundaries
Because the lines are purposefully blurred between mother and daughter (thanks, Mom), setting a boundary (or even thinking about setting one) ( or even thinking about thinking about setting a boundary) somehow feels wrong.
This is because a boundary goes against everything you have been programmed to think and feel.
When your individuation has been actively undermined at every turn, you either won’t entertain setting a boundary, Or you will cave at the first sign of pushback when you set one.
If you say, “But Mom won’t let me set a boundary,” you are in deeper than you know.
This is understandable.. but I’m afraid it’s very likely you’ve drunk the psychological cool-aid. Never fear. I’ve been there myself and come out the other side.
Consider this the beginning of your deprogramming. You don’t need her permission to set a boundary.
Damaging Effects of a Covert Narcissistic Mother On Her Daughter
Symptom # 5) You Feel Chronically Confused
Because Mom has transferred her need to be special to you ( unless you threaten to surpass her or don’t need her of course :)) ..you feel something less that supported.
Mom can be your loudest, most ardent cheerleader. She can be in your corner, bragging to her friends about your accomplishments as if they were her own. Well, yes, there’s that. She can also be a relentless critic—but mostly behind the scenes.
On the one hand you could say the two of you are close, suffocatingly so you might add. Make a move without her and there will be questions.
You have even thought this is how all mothers and daughters interact. ” Isn’t it? Doesn’t everyone’s mother give them unwanted advice and weigh in on all their major life decisions? No? Hummmm
And here’s where the confusion sets in.
Sometimes, when all the stars align and Mom is in a great mood, she can be pleasant, even kind.
The problem is, you can’t count on it.
Her moods dictate whether this will be a good conversation or WWIII. You can tell in a nanosecond. You are so attuned to her moods that you know by her tone where a conversation with her is headed or if you are ” in trouble”.
Damaging Effects of a Covert Narcissistic Mother On Her Daughter
Symptom #6) You Take the Blame When It Isn’t Your Fault
Because you are used to a Mom who always has to be right and seldom, if ever, concedes defeat, you are trained to short-circuit the argument and take the blame just to spare yourself the trouble.
Mom has Teflon to anything resembling accountability for herself, whereas she manages to hold you to an incredibly high standard. As a result, you second-guess yourself, apologize preemptively, and over explain when no explanation is needed!
Further compounding the problem, this tendency bleeds over into other relationships. You end up expecting the world from yourself and letting others get away with half-assed efforts.
Moreover, you have a tendency to let them slide on accountability while raking yourself over the coals wondering if you did everything “right”.
This leaves you vulnerable to predatory bosses, selfish friends and exploitive romantic partners.
You end up overworked, undersupported, and taken advantage of—and you learned it all from the person who was supposed to protect you.
Damaging Effects of a Covert Narcissistic Mother On Her Daughter
Symptom # 7) You Are At Risk for Depression and Anxiety
Growing up with a mother who isn’t capable of putting your developmental needs ahead of her own on a reliable and consistent enough basis can leave you with an insecure attachment style.
Children need parents who feel good enough about themselves to put their own needs aside while making emotional room for their children’s needs—not all the time, but enough of the time.
If Mom didn’t get what she needed during her childhood, she may come to motherhood driven to extract the attention and sense of being special from her daughter instead of giving this experience to her daughter.
If your mother suffers from covert narcissism, you have had to develop coping styles that compensate for your mother’s lack; various ways in which you put your needs on the back burner and attend to your mother’s needs.
And those coping mechanisms cost you psychologically. Codependency, people-pleasing, and perfectionism are all possible ways you cheat yourself while taking emotional care of her.
Anxiety can result from the inconsistencies in her support ( either present day or resulting from childhood). Additionally, you might feel that you are living from one crisis to another – tied in an uncomfortable way to Mom’s well-being.
You might feel you can’t relax until everything is alright for her– despite your best efforts, that never or rarely comes. Her constant state of upset unsettles you.
Additionally, a covert narcissistic mother frequently employs the silent treatment in her bag of dysfunctional tricks. While this causes unbearable levels of anxiety in a child, it can also bring on anxiety in a grown daughter.
Depression can set in when you feel hopeless that it will ever be your turn- when you chronically bury your needs in the service of someone else- particularly when that someone is your mother. Additionally, anger (both buried and on the surface) that results from waiting to live your life or having your life chronically highjacked can result in exhaustion and eventual depression.
I get it.
Mother-daughter relationships can be full of challenges and tension at the best of times. I should know. In addition to treating women in psychotherapy for over 35 years, I’ve raised two daughters to adulthood who have children of their own. There certainly have been challenges along the way.
Letting them go was hard, and I didn’t always do it smoothly. But it is a worthy challenge.
However, if you recognize yourself in this list of symptoms above, it might help you to investigate further and explore whether or not you are suffering from this disempowering dynamic.
Here’s the bottom line-
If your mother is a Covert Narcissist, she has parented you from a place of hurt, deception, and pain. As such, you have been fed a steady (emotional) diet of smoke and mirrors. Nothing is what it seems on the surface.
That’s the bad news.
The good news is that awareness is the first step to healing.
When you finally understand what makes your mother tick, you can start to piece together your childhood.
Identifying the source of your pain and confusion is the foundation for dealing with it and ultimately rising above it.
If you want to learn more about this dynamic and more importantly how to escape it, I have written a book about it: The Good Daughter Syndrome—Help for Empathic Daughters of Narcissistic, Borderline, or Difficult Mothers Trapped in the Good Daughter Role . Read the reviews to see if it is a good fit for you.
Continue the journey with me.
It’s a new day. You are waking up! Life can be better, a lot better.
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