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This Is How Mom Became Narcissistic- What She Didn’t Get in Childhood

May 22, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

Mom just can’t take criticism.

Regardless of how carefully you put your complaint, mom can’t admit any wrongdoing. No matter what you say, she always has a comeback. Does she think she is untouchable or perfect? That would be an easy answer, but you know, that’s not it the whole story.

Despite what looks like arrogance on the outside, you know she is an unhappy person on the inside. There’s a hard shell, an armor she can’t let anyone see beneath. You care about mom and you wonder if there something psychologically wrong with her?

She desperately needs for everything to look perfect on the outside. What’s more, she needs for you to look perfect. That’s why… what you do is never good enough for her. Underneath it all, she doesn’t feel good enough about herself. As a result, she needs for you to look good to make her look good.

The technical word for this is “narcissistic extension.” She relates to you as if you were an extension of her. You are like her right arm. In this way, she owns you, uses you, and doesn’t regard you as separate from her. If you are the daughter trapped in the “good daughter” role, you may suffer from the good daughter syndrome.

So, what happened to mom to make her this way? You may have long suspected mom has NPD or is at least is high in Narcissistic traits. You may wonder what happened to mom in her childhood to make her develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder or have traits of the disorder.

  • I think it is possible to have great distain for the destructive effects of these narcissistic defenses that hurt you as a daughter while holding in your mind that mom has been hurt too. 

I discuss in this video what it was mom didn’t get in her childhood (that every child needs) to cause her to be narcissistic.

 

Transcript

A mother who is narcissistic or has narcissistic traits is someone who didn’t get what we call narcissistic supplies where they were little. What we mean by that is that when children are very little, if all goes well, they get the idea that their very being brings at least one person delight. We all need this. Whether there are words of praise, whether there’s just the glimmer in Mom’s eyes and the delight that when baby looks back up at Mom, that enough of the time, not all the time, but enough of the time, what baby sees mirrored back is delight. It’s preverbal at first. There are just coos and wonderful words, but what the baby takes in is an idea that their very present presence brings another person delight. If they do not get this, they do not get enough narcissistic supplies, then what can happen is they can spend the rest of their lives trying to get that special feeling, which leads to all kinds of narcissistic defenses, which I’ll talk about in another video.

In summary –

Narcissistic mothers didn’t get what they needed in childhood. From that original deficit, destructive psychological consequences can follow. Specifically, the defenses that help her survive emotional wounding, damage the ways she relates to herself and others.

It is this core deficit that can set in motion a relentless quest to make up for good feelings later in life. The narcissistic mother can never feel special enough. This quest is off-putting, manipulative and destructive to her subsequent relationships.

Those around her can be sucked into the bottomless pit of her need for affirmation. The final irony is that she can’t take in the affirmation she demands, and appropriates from others. It is like a bucket with a hole in it. No matter how much she gets filled up -she empties out at a faster rate.

At the narcissistic core is an untouchable emptiness. Attuned daughters feel this.

What is important to remember is this- You didn’t cause your mothers narcissism, and you can’t cure it. You can have compassion for her while not being sucked into the vortex of her need for control and affirmation.

You can and should stand up for yourself, find your voice and claim your own life. Once you truly grasp an understanding of her narcissism, you can learn to take care of yourself and live your life on your own terms.

The way to stop this cycle is first, to understand.

To find out if you suffer from the good daughter syndrome – go here.

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother

Comments

  1. Christina Russell says

    July 18, 2018 at 10:10 pm

    I truly thought I was alone (most of my life) … Dealing with my relationship with my mother until now. My unanswered prayers are being answered. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      July 20, 2018 at 11:02 pm

      Again, thank you for reaching out. Every daughter who raises her hand brings us all collectively closer to a place of healing. You are not alone by any stretch. Keep working at staying conscious and you too can break out of this trap. It’s your life. Living for someone else, even your mother is no way to live.

      Reply
  2. Mamamia says

    March 8, 2020 at 6:19 pm

    Thank you so much for helping me cope with the unfair guilt of going no contact and helping me relate to my own daughter that this is not our fault. It is my mother’s and she is sick. We cannot help others who won’t help themselves and it is not selfish to put our healing first.

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      June 15, 2020 at 3:22 pm

      I would agree that you have to put yourself and your daughters well- being first. Best of luck to you.

      Reply
  3. Emily says

    August 7, 2020 at 8:47 pm

    My mother was terribly abused and neglected as a child. Her father was a Holocaust survivor who abandoned the family when she was a baby. She was left with her mother, who was schizophrenic and incapable of caring for her (her mother was hospitalized 6-9 months out of every year). My mom and her brother were raised by their grandmother, who was a tyrant who made it very clear to them that they were unwanted and a burden to her. When she was not beating and humiliating them, she ignored them entirely. My mother ran away in her teens. By the time she was 19, she and my father were married and within a few years, my brother and I were born.

    My mother tried to be a mom when we were little, but by the time I was 6 or 7, she was done. She decided she wanted to live her life for herself. She went to college and law school and stopped parenting altogether. She and my father stayed together (despite growing to despise one another) and were technically there in the house, but my brother and I pretty much raised ourselves. It took me until I was 28 to really understand how damaged my mother was and how incapable she was of caring for me. And it’s taken another 15 years and having children of my own to wrap my head around how to extricate myself from her dysfunction. She believes that she loves me and I believe that she believes that, but there is nothing in her that I would regard as being loving or caring toward anyone, including herself. The child part of me that will always want a mom whose lap I can crawl into when I’m sad will always feel compassion for the child in her who wants the same thing, but the self-protective adult in me knows I can never have that and has a boat load of anger with her. Every time I soften and allow myself to start to feel affection for her again, she finds a way to hurt me, either by declaring who and what she thinks I am or should be or do or, more commonly, just dismissing me altogether. She lies constantly, about nothing and everything, to what end, I can’t conceive. At this point, I assume anything she’s telling me is not true.

    I find parenting incredibly difficult and draining. I worry that the neglectful dysfunction from my own childhood is devolving onto them. I am so acutely aware of the pain I experienced with a damaged, narcissistic, emotionally neglectful mother and I don’t want my children to have the same experience. I put so much effort in when they were little, but now that they are in grade school, I feel myself instinctively trying to withdraw in the same way my mother did. I consciously fight that urge every day, but it creates a nearly constant stress for me (and I’m sure, for them). I try to acknowledge my mistakes and apologize to my children for making them (something my mother never did because she could never acknowledge that she ever made a mistake), set boundaries and expectations for them (again, something my mother never did), and I spend time with them playing and talking and trying to laugh and create good memories (again, none of that happened when I was a kid), but I feel this constant sense that it’s a forced, intellectual attempt to be a good mom–a reaction to my own lack of parenting–rather than an organic, maternal desire to care for my kids. My husband says that from the outside, it doesn’t look that way at all, that he can see how close the kids and I are and how happy they are, but I can’t shake this fear that I’m just failing at this and that maybe I’m just as damaged as my mother is.

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      September 2, 2020 at 2:56 pm

      What a brave and thoughtful person and mother you are. It is so hard to give when your tank hasn’t been filled by your own mother.Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Are At Risk For Postpartum Depression- Here’s Why And sometimes what you experience as boredom is you being triggered and numbing up. Of course, this happens at an unconscious level. It can’t be helped totally but the feeling could tell you where the trauma triggers are buried. Therapy could help you unpack these feelings, grieve them more fully and get back some vitality. That numbed out feeling is nature’s way of keeping the trauma buried- yet it takes a tremendous toll until it is processed. Please try and toss away any guilt you feel around this. It isn’t your fault and you are not your mother. You have, however, have experienced the trauma of neglect. It could very well be blocking maternal feelings that could be restored. Also, there is more and more research on how generations carry the trauma of the Holocaust- even skipping a generation-. The sadness and abuse -first of humanity and then familial- is too much for you to carry alone.

      Reply

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The Good Daughter's Guide to Freedom

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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