As you might expect, some mothers don’t love what I am saying, and they have some things to say to me :).

Their objections might be exactly what you hear from your difficult mother.

Their firsthand objections provide excellent prompts for me to explain how I see what goes wrong and what needs to happen instead.

If you are having trouble getting through to your mother, read what I have to say below.

I can’t guarantee you will convince Mom to feel differently—(actually, I seriously doubt you will )—but you might pick up some new ways of thinking for yourself. And that is what will make all the difference.

A reader writes –

“As a single mother, I find this article to be rather demonizing of mothers who just want the best for their daughters. A life that I never had. I put my absolute all into my daughter, to be better than I was at her age.

I am not a narcissist or have BPD just because I don’t want her to make bad decisions and that I had a close and special bond with my daughter.

Her boyfriend, whom she has now, is not her “life partner” right away and, as such, should not take precedence over me. I will always come first, as her mother.

To me, the whole idea that the mother is some psychotic monster just because it’s hard to let go, is completely atrocious! I will not be put in the same basket as some “Mommy Dearest” just because I am genuinely scared to let go of my one and only daughter I spent the last 22 years protecting and nurturing and investing everything in!

This should not just be a simple matter of putting that seemingly terrible mother in her corner because she needs to lose something! It’s far more sensitive and complicated than this blog is suggesting that it is!

I do not intend to take away from any of the other commenters experiences in this comments section, who are daughters of some terrible mothers who were actually horrible to their daughters!

I will not be accepting, however, being thrown to the wolves and just sit idly by in my daughter’s life! That is also neglect! When I talk to my daughter about my past of SA, r^^^, and mental health struggles (I have ADHD), she has admitted that these stories have helped her make better decisions about men, and academics.

We are still friends, and should continue to be so!

Being friends is crucial as we become peers and continue to evolve and make GRADUAL changes in our dynamics! Demonizing the mother in general is not the answer!

None of this can be explained in a simple blog, which looks alot like mother-hating and alienating propaganda, than something that can support a continuing relationship between daughters and mothers! I am sorry, but you have just rubbed so much salt in an already gaping wound. I am so sick of being told to essentially “Get over it”!! It’s not that easy!!”

My response

Dear Me,

I appreciate your sentiments. I’m sure many mothers who come across this blog feel similarly.

Responding allows me to address the topic in a general way.

I can’t know your exact situation, so I am writing to address the topic in general. Take what you can use (if anything) and leave the rest.

As you have pointed out, this is but one blog on a sensitive, nuanced topic. I can’t know all of the nuances of your situation, but I can speak to the topic in general. I would ask that you keep in mind the daughters I am talking about here are healthy adult daughters.

So here we go-

I certainly resonate with much of your pain. As a mother of 2 grown daughters, I found releasing them into their own lives the hardest thing I have ever done. I wrote about my journey here.

If I thought the first labor was hard—and it was—over 20 hours each…I could now factor in the emotional labor of letting go. Yikes!
When I went through it (letting them go), I was like, “Why didn’t anyone tell me how hard this is?”

Pouring my heart and soul into raising them and then letting them go, WAIT WHAT – you certainly must be joking! What a rip-off!

I sobbed for a day after dropping my first daughter off to college- even though she was 10 Minutes away. It all hit me like a ton of bricks- my daughter would never come home again, not in the same way.

And it hurt my heart terribly.

So, no, I don’t think it is something that we should or can “get over.”

I also don’t think struggling with letting your daughter go makes you a narcissist or have a borderline personality disorder.

If so, then count me in.

Below is a quote from my article-

“Some mothers need a wake-up call that it’s time to cut the strings and let their grown daughters fly free.

They may falter because of outdated patriarchal religious or cultural expectations that only grant power to women by encouraging them to have power over their daughters while denying them power elsewhere.”

That said, my blog is specifically for helping the daughters of narcissists and borderline mothers. Those with personality disorders have the hardest time letting go of their daughters.

Having said all that, I don’t think there is anything more excruciating than seeing a daughter become involved with someone we see (and, in fact, maybe) as “bad” for her.

It’s like seeing her stand helplessly on the train tracks as an oncoming train comes at her and doing nothing …when every bone in your body is screaming, “Save her”. It feels unnatural. So. Again, I empathize.

However, let’s play this one out.

Let’s say, for instance, a mother can successfully “set her daughter straight” and get her to break up with the “bad for her” boyfriend.

While there may be temporary gain, I see at least 4 ways this can backfire.

1) What’s to keep her daughter from making another “bad choice” the next time around?
If she hasn’t learned for herself, her mother can find herself in the perpetual position of pointing out and evaluating something she should evaluate for herself.

This keeps the adult daughter in the child role.

Besides, who amongst us gets romance right the first or second time? She may need to “run that experiment” herself in order to learn.

2) Nine times out of ten, the daughter will defend her boyfriend when you point out what’s wrong with him. You can run the risk of driving her into his arms- Yikes- the last thing you want.

While Mom is “helpfully” pointing out the boyfriend’s faults (even genuine ones), her daughter doesn’t need to think seriously about his faults—she’s too busy defending him.

3) If the daughter decides to stay with him, the mother runs the risk of being cut out if you force her to choose between you.

Everyone loses.

4) If Mom is right and the boyfriend is seriously bad for her, the daughter must swallow her pride to seek help if needed.
She may stay in something dangerous for her to keep from losing face.

Again, another lose-lose situation.

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I’m not saying mothers shouldn’t be honest or endorse something they feel uncomfortable with. If asked, I think a mother can say something like, “ I have my concerns about him, but of course, this is your life and your decision.”

In other words, I am not advocating endorsing or enabling something you don’t feel comfortable with, but you do need to respect her right to make an adult decision.

To another one of your points, I agree that the adult-to-adult relationship evolves over time. It is a delicate dance from dependence to independence.

In fact, it is best to let daughters make age-appropriate decisions that gradually hand them the reins of their lives. Empowering her along the developmental trajectory makes for a smoother path, so the leap isn’t great for either of you when she becomes an adult.

I hear you want a better life for your daughter than you had. This is another point of commonality.

We all (or at least most) want a better life for our daughters than the one we had. I know I did. However, I did come to realize that my daughters’ lives are theirs, not my do-over nor mine to direct.

Most nonpersonality-disordered mothers struggle with threading the needle between caring and overstepping. They do, however, see it as a needle to be threaded. They can look beyond their need to “always come first” to take “precedence.”

Finally, I imagine your daughter will have learned much from your good example. You can’t see that so much when they are in their 20s. It takes time for your influence to show itself, but all those good things will emerge if you let it—even if she has to take some detours to establish independence.

When mothers demand loyalty and obedience, no matter how well intended, my observation is the best they get back is a response born out of guilt and obligation.

And ultimately, not many mothers I know genuinely want that kind of relationship.

It is better to have a relationship based on genuine affection between two people who love and respect each other.

In my experience as a counselor of 35 years and a mother of 30-plus years, letting go is very hard, but it is essential if you want your daughter to come back to you in a way that feels good to you both.

Best of luck in your journey,
Katherine

My thoughts-

I don’t fit mothers into distinct divergent catagories… good and bad. In fact, wanting to be relevant, struggling with letting of our daughters go.. is so human.

I don’t imagine there are mothers who easily go from sacrificing comfort and sleepless nights to tossing all that away on a whim and becoming unconcerned..

No, I think there are good mothers who are willing to struggle with the delicate balance between caring and overreach.

But that struggle is necessary and worthy.

If you are struggling with a mother like the one who wrote in, I’ve written a book for you, The Good Daughter Syndrome. Contrary to what this mother believes, most have found my approach is both kind and fair.  Read the reviews from the readers themselves.