He tells you not to upset her. You keep wondering why he won’t protect you.
“Don’t upset your mother.” “You know how your mother is.” Or, worst of all: “Go apologize to your mother and make things right with her.” You came to Dad hoping he would see what happened, stand beside you, or at least help you make sense of it. Instead, he hands the burden back to you.
When your mother is narcissistic, borderline, or chronically difficult, life is hard enough without Dad flaking out and leaving you out on a limb. You may wonder whether he is blind to her manipulations, fooled by her, or so used to giving in that he can no longer see another way to live.
When a mother is narcissistic, borderline, or chronically difficult, the role of the father can become just as important to understand. In many families, the father becomes passive or enabling, leaving daughters to deal with a narcissistic mother on their own.
You may feel sorry for him. You may know there is hell to pay when he goes against her. And still, when the moment comes, he sides with Mom—or leaves you to face her alone. That is the part you cannot explain away.
In brief
Dad may keep his head down because he fears what will happen if he goes against Mom, because he has learned to go along to get along, or because he is unwilling to challenge her. Whatever the reason, you are still the one left carrying the cost. His silence does not protect you; it leaves you to manage the situation without him.
In this article
- The Rule Hidden in “Don’t Upset Your Mother”
- How Dad Learned to Go Along to Get Along
- The Two-for-One Deal
- What You Can Do When Dad Enables Mom
- Awareness, Acceptance, and Freedom
- Related Articles and Sources
The Rule Hidden in “Don’t Upset Your Mother”
The sentence is short. The job it gives you is not. Watch Mom’s face. Listen for the shift in her voice. Choose your words carefully. Don’t bring up what she said. If she is angry or hurt, find a way to make it right. When Dad repeats “Don’t upset your mother,” the whole family knows who is expected to do the adjusting.
Maybe you are trying to tell him what happened. Maybe you are asking him to help you understand why Mom said something so cruel. Before you can finish, he explains her, excuses her, or tells you to apologize. The issue that started with her becomes your responsibility to repair.
Not every time a father asks his daughter to apologize means he is enabling her mother. The pattern matters. When he repeatedly asks you to absorb the hurt so the house can go quiet again, the message is unmistakable: Mom’s reaction is the emergency; what happened to you can wait.
This is one way the Good Daughter role takes hold. You become skilled at reading everyone else while doubting your right to your own feelings. You keep explaining, hoping that if Dad finally understands, he will stand beside you. Instead, you may be left trying to make Mom okay—and trying to make Dad okay with Mom.
This pattern is part of what I call the Good Daughter Syndrome®—a relationship pattern in which a daughter feels responsible for her mother’s emotional well-being and puts her mother’s needs ahead of her own.
How Dad Learned to Go Along to Get Along
If Dad has stuck around this long, he may have learned how to survive by keeping his head down and doing his wife’s bidding. He knows there is hell to pay if he goes against her. So he goes along to get along. It may be how he has managed the marriage. It may also be how he has left you alone with your mother.
Sometimes Dad agrees with you in private. He tells you Mom is unreasonable, says he understands, and lets you believe he will help. Then the moment comes to back you up: his voice shrinks, he changes the subject, or he denies what he just told you. You are lured into thinking he will help you handle her, only to discover that he is defenseless in the face of her dominance—or unwilling to risk standing up to it.
You wonder: Is it possible Dad is in the dark when it comes to Mom? Is he blind to her manipulations, or is he so snowed by her that he genuinely thinks it is all okay? You can’t be sure. You may have even felt sorry for him and seen him as a victim.
For more on the ways a mother can manipulate behind the scenes, see Covert Narcissistic Mother: Signs and Effects.
In some families, especially those shaped by strict patriarchal rules, there is an unspoken bargain: he holds power in the outside world and gives her power inside the home, including power over the children. She does not challenge his authority beyond the home; he does not challenge hers within it. For a woman with little real-world power, control over the children may become a consolation prize. That may be part of the story in some families. It is not the whole story, and it is not an excuse.
Whatever the reason, there is a difference between understanding why Dad caves and pretending that he did not. You can feel compassion for what he has lived through and still be angry that you were left to handle Mom on your own.
Watch: If Dad Is Passive and Enabling: What Might Be Going On Underneath the Surface
The Two-for-One Deal
You may have felt sorry for Dad and seen him as a victim of Mom, too. Even so, you can’t reconcile the fact that, at the end of the day, your passive-enabling father will side with Mom, no matter how unreasonable or cruel she is to you—or him, for that matter. With a passive-enabling father, you wonder if anyone is truly on your side. You can’t understand why Dad doesn’t protect you. That’s what really hurts.
It can be a rude awakening to discover that your passive-enabling father is a two-for-one deal: take Mom as she is and put up with her exploitative ways without complaint—or lose both parents. You may have hoped Dad could be your refuge from her. Instead, the door opens, Mom is there, and Dad steps back into the line of fire only long enough to tell you to make things right.
For some daughters, Mom and Dad have become a package deal. It is a cruel choice to face: keep Dad close by accepting the terms Mom sets, or speak honestly and risk losing access to both. You can love your father, see how trapped he feels, and still grieve that he did not stand up for you.
His silence does not tell you everything about whether he loves you. But it does tell you what you can expect from him in this part of your life. Caring about you and protecting you are not the same thing.
Discovering that your passive-enabling dad is unwilling or unable to advocate for you can be a harsh reality check. It shatters the illusion of familial unity and leaves you feeling alone in your struggles. Many daughters come to realize that their father is not only passive but emotionally unavailable when it comes to protecting them from their mother’s behavior. He’s checked out altogether and ceded the emotional role to Mom.
But it’s important to remember that your dad’s silence or compliance doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care about you. It’s a result of his own upbringing, conditioning, and fear of rocking the boat. That explanation does not erase what his silence costs you.
Watch: When Dad Doesn’t Back You Up: The Passive Father and Difficult Mother Dynamic
What You Can Do When Dad Enables Mom
You may want to call Dad out, convince him that Mom is manipulating him, or confront them both. You may be right about what is happening. But their unspoken agreement has roots that go back to before you were born. Another argument may only pull you deeper into the same fight: you explain, Mom reacts, Dad asks you to make it right.
You can be clear about what you need from him. You are not asking him to attack your mother. You are asking him to hear you without making you responsible for restoring the peace. You might say: “Dad, I’m not asking you to fight with Mom. When you tell me to apologize instead of hearing what happened, I feel dismissed and left alone. I need you to stop asking me to smooth things over.” He may still be unable—or unwilling—to do that. At least you have named the reality between you.
When he says, “You know how your mother is,” you might answer, “I do. That is why I have to decide what I can manage.” If he says, “Go apologize,” you might say, “I’m willing to talk with her directly. I’m not going to apologize just to make everyone comfortable.” You do not have to keep making your case until he agrees.
You can learn to set guilt-free boundaries even when Dad will not back you up. You might end a call when it turns into blame, decide how long you will stay, stop using him as a go-between, or stop explaining a limit that has already been made clear. The point is not to punish either parent. It is to stop handing them the final say over what you can tolerate.
For more on this, see Setting Guilt-Free Boundaries With Your Mother.
Awareness of the Big Picture
When you zoom out, you will see that Dad’s passivity is only part of a larger, more complex picture.
With Mom’s narcissism at the center, you will begin to see how it touches every facet of family life. This awareness can empower you. You see that it isn’t your bad luck or your fault.
Acceptance
Once you become aware of the big picture, the long road to acceptance begins. When you have exhausted all the avenues available to you, you reach a point of surrender. You accept that you can’t change them. You can only change yourself.
But there is plenty you CAN change. Acceptance does not mean their behavior was acceptable. It does not mean you stop loving Dad or have to cut both parents off. It means you stop waiting for them to become different before you decide what you need.
Freedom
There is always darkness before the dawn. When you truly let go of trying to change, explain, and plead with your family to act reasonably, you can begin to see the road to freedom.
You start operating outside of the family system rather than sinking in the quicksand of fighting them. There is a measure of relief in this. When you stop trying to change a dynamic that is stubbornly not going to change, you realize there is a life waiting for you.
You can care about your father and still grieve that he did not protect you. You can understand your mother’s history without making yourself responsible for her feelings. You can choose closeness, distance, or something in between. You may never get the father you needed in that moment. But your life does not have to wait at the door for him to arrive.
Whatever the reason, it’s a tragedy for daughters whose fathers are not psychologically equipped—or are unwilling—to stand up to their spouses. When they can’t muster the courage to do so, they may feel caught between a misguided loyalty to their spouse and their desire to support their daughter. Unfortunately, their daughters often bear the consequences of their silence.
You can soon learn that confiding in Dad offers you no protection.
If you want to explore how this pattern develops and what helps daughters step out of it, see The Good Daughter Syndrome® and take the free Good Daughter Quiz.
Related Articles and Sources
- When Mothers Won’t Let Go of Their Adult Daughters
- Covert Narcissistic Mother: Signs and Effects
- Effects of Being Raised by a Mother With Borderline Personality Disorder
- Guilt-Tripping Mother? How to Stop Feeling Guilty
- Why Some Daughters Feel Responsible for Their Mother’s Happiness
- Setting Guilt-Free Boundaries With Your Mother
Sources and Further Reading
- Brown, N. W. (2008). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. New Harbinger Publications.
- Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. New Harbinger Publications.
- Pressman, R. M., & Pressman, R. (1994). The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment. Jossey-Bass.
- Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family Evaluation: An Approach Based on Bowen Theory. Norton.
- Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy. Harvard University Press.
- Forward, S. (2013). Mothers Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters. HarperCollins.
- Titelman, P. (Ed.). (2014). Triangulation: Bowen Family Systems Theory Perspectives. Routledge.
- Buehler, C., & Welsh, D. P. (2009). Family Triangulation and Adolescent Adjustment. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(5), 712–721.
- Barber, B. K. (1996). Parental Psychological Control: Revisiting a Neglected Construct. Child Development, 67(6), 3296–3319.
- Steele, K. R., Townsend, M. L., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2019). Parenting and Personality Disorder: An Overview and Meta-Synthesis of Systematic Reviews. PLOS ONE, 14(10).
- Pincus, A. L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Pathological Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 421–446.
Do you recognize this family pattern?
Take the free Good Daughter Quiz to see whether you may be caught in the role, or read The Good Daughter Syndrome® for a deeper explanation of how the pattern can shape your choices and relationships.
My dad was somewhat passive/enabling of my narcissist mom. There was a certain amount of go along to get along. And my mom also hid a lot of the worst of how she treated me from him, since now and then he would stand up for me. Then dad became hyper -religious when I was in my teens, which was actually a stroke of genius. Mom couldn’t publicly object to it, since she was so concerned with her image as a pillar of the community. And if you’re a straight, white man then religion really hands you a lot more power. Suddenly dad had a team of people in his church who would back him up and agree that the husband is the head of the household. Dad was thoroughly lambasted about it privately – there were some truly traumatic fights- but mom couldn’t just leave him without losing her image as the perfect wife and mother. In the end she joined his church and is in the process of talking over whatever she can grasp of the administrative role.
Dear Elsa,
Thanks for writing about your experience. As anyone who has encountered this phenomenon will attest, it is not always straight forward and has many twists and turns. In the end, I hope you are afforded some level of protection.
Take care,
Katherine
I learned that my dad will defend and side with mom till the death of him. She has him so wrapped around her finger it’s sickening. He’s lost his identity and is literally her puppet. The article summed it up with this quote, “ It can be a rude awakening and a cruel choice for a daughter to have to make when you realize Mom and Dad are a package deal.”
Thank you for the great knowledge. Do you offer therapy sessions?
Hi Sandra- I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. Arrgh.
I do have a consultation package under the coaching tab on my website, but my psychotherapy practice is local, and I have a year’s waiting list.
Thank you for writing and sharing your experience.
Take care,
Katherine
This article and the comments resonate so much with me. As an adult I’ve come to realise my mum isn’t just controlling but is in fact a covert narcissist & my dad is a passive-enabler. My sister is also the ‘good daughter’ who spends so much of her time appeasing my mother she’s forgotten to build a life with her husband. Maybe we should start our own recovery group. Sending hugs to you all X
Going through an interesting situation of this passiveness right now. Finally officially giving into the fact my mom is a narcissist, even though my brother does see it that way says she’s a “highly emotional person and that it comes out in different ways”. These ways are that if you go against the grain, you are in the wrong and the cause of my mother’s unhappiness. So much so that even though I have a concussion and cannot do more than about an hours worth of activity (including something as mundane as watching my daughter play soccer) without it wiping me out. My husband planned mothers day for me, and the my mom had texted my family saying when to come to her house to get together with the whole extended family – “that’s how we’ve always done it”. We’re military, we lived about from home for 7 years and part way into that had our first child.
I break the mold a lot, I don’t do something just because it is traditionally what my mother or father did. My parents are divorced so we were dragged around to 2 of everything. My mother and brother are very social beings, they love all the events and get togethers. My husband and I don’t so much, we’d prefer more intimate settings.
I told her I couldn’t do her mother’s day, but would like to try to take her for breakfast with my girls later in the week. My kids are 3 and 1, not good sleepers, so that coupled with long last concussion symptoms and other ailments from a car accident have been difficult. I had also had flowers sent to her place earlier in the week prior to mother’s day because I knew she was going to the lake and I wanted her to enjoy them. We had a big fight, got into the kind of conversations where my mom “believe it or not had young kids too” and she deemed “I’ve never done anything for anyone else” when I’ve said since becoming a mom I’ve focused more on my well-being for my family so I can be the best person for my girls; meaning I don’t just give into everything my mom wants anymore. I literally didn’t pursue the degree I wanted in school because “you can do better than that”. Happiness for me was out of the question if it didn’t align with what she thought was right for me.
She recently has also been overstepping more. Ignoring what my husband and I tell her we want her to do with our daughter, even after she had just asked us; deliberately ignoring what we said. Given my oldest is 3, we are trying to talk more about emotions and our feelings and walk through things, if she gets upset we allow her to feel her feelings and when she’s calmed down we talk about it. Talk about how we can express our feelings sort of thing. My mom has been trying to interrupt me midway through talking to my child or talk over me to get my daughters attention. She has shown on many occasions what she cares about now is her grandma role and access to my grandkids is what she wants, she thinks she can say mean and rude things to me, then an hour later that everything should be normal. She was “speechless” when I had said I needed abit of time to figure out how I feel about hers and mine relationship. Then said “so I don’t get to see the kids tomorrow?” (A day she would have normally come for a visit). I had to change appointments that normally she could see on my calendar because if they were days when she visited I would share the invite. She asked me why I was canceling, demanding to know the answer and asking multiple times when I just said I needed to cancel. She asks if “I’m just excluding her”.
Anyways, all this to say, and what relates to this article is, I called my dad and ended up talking about it (unintentionally). They’ve been divorced since I was 5 but I’ve come to realize he has always been passive. Things like “she means well” “She has best interest at heart”, even this after my mom ended up marrying his best friend and we told him my mom constantly bad mouthed and tried to make us side with her on things over him. I also told him she’s been commenting on my body again lately, and in my young adult life I had body dysmorphia, and he just brushed it off. He asked if I had though about it from her point of view, which I had because I had thought how I’d want to try and support my child in the trenches of motherhood; she if see needed anything for mothers day. He has said things like “that’s how your mother is”, and I’ve come to realize I don’t ever remember seeing him actively doing anything when she was manipulative and over stepping.
I feel at a loss, I can’t talk to my brother, I had hoped my dad would be on my side but he is remaining more neutral. I’m to a point where I’m debating limited contact with my mom or just breaking ties together because she refuses to acknowledge things needed to be acknowledged and won’t go to therapy (not that it would matter if she didn’t actually want to go). She’s the kind of person who even made her own brothers arrest about her, how it was impacting her life, not wanting us to even talk to our dad about it, and didnt recognize her sibling was having mental issues. It’s been such a hard year, and I just feel like I can’t wait until we are moved away from my family again so I no longer need to worry about this.
Hi Tired Daughter,
I can certainly hear why you would be tired…and how disillusioned you must feel after enduring so from your mother only to have your dad (and brother) fail to validate your experience?
Just for a hypothetical, I am going to make a couple of assumptions that may or may not be true. So take what I have to say with a grain of salt or disregard it altogether if appropriate.
Let’s assume your dad feels guilty for the divorce ( even tho it wasn’t his fault) and is trying to (in his mind) minimize the damage done by being magnanimous to your mother. After all, he got out and doesn’t have to deal with her anymore.
A second assumption I am going to make is this -say, for instance, he truly thinks he is doing you a favor by not bashing your mother.
If that is the case, it might help to say something like this, ” Dad, I understand you are trying not to make things worse.. but your responses and “neutrality” make me feel dismissed and invalidated. Your and Mom’s marriage is history, but as your daughter what I need from you now is your witness and support. Not to argue with her, but to validate me.
I realize this may do no good. However, it might make you feel like you’ve stood up for yourself in a clarifying way and let your dad know that what he is doing is not helping you but is enabling her.
Best of luck,
Katherine
Thanks for your response. I do think you’re likely right about my father.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if I should be cutting ties with my mother. I’m worried my Dad will judge and I know my brother will be on my mom’s side, despite him thinking he is a reasonable adult. He has been groomed to take her side. My Dad asked me how my mother’s day went, I feel like he wanted to know if I saw my mom, but he didn’t press for more info when I didn’t indicate whether I saw her. I don’t want to feel judged. I texted her happy Mother’s day, she got her flowers earlier in the week, I just wanted nothing to do with her. Even sending her that texted seemed to make her thing we could just get into small talk but I am not at a place to do that.
I want to protect my kids, my relationship. I feel like telling her what is okay and isn’t okay for me or around my family seems pointless because she has spent my whole life not caring about that kind of thing. After the scenario happened above, she sent me an email. She said “Yesterday was a horrible step backwards for me in our life. I am so sorry it happened.” and “My life is too short and I just can’t spend another day feeling sad about us. I will do anything to help you to make things better.” amoung some other things. I feel like she hasn’t taken responsibility, maybe doesn’t recognize what she did was wrong. She wasn’t allowed to see my kids, so now she wants to figure out a way back in. I don’t understand why she evens says “to help you to make things better”. I guess it’s her transactional nature? I’ll buy you this or bake this and things will be back to normal.
It is exhausting. It is more than I want to continue to deal with in my life. But it also feels like I’ll be losing more than just my mother, which makes it a lot harder. How is someone supposed to do this? I worry if I keep her in my life, it will blow it up at some point.
Dear Tired Daughter.
I have no training in this but speak from experience. My sister has children, I do not. I am 65, she is 63. About 6 yrs ago I read a book on narcissists. I got on with my mom, now 90 thru forgiveness and distance. My sister is still dealing with self esteem, anger and feelings of shortcomings (despite being extremely educated, accomplished and a great partent to 3 wonderful adult children!). That our mom’s words and actions could cause so much pain …. for 60+ years, is truly a crime. I recommend living for yourself and your children and husband. You will NEVER EVER EVER satisfy your mother. This makes it ok to stop trying so hard. Good luck.
My father tells me I should feel sorry for my mother because she can’t change. He wishes me to pity her after all of the abuse. He sends me pictures of her crying so that I feel guilty for standing up for myself when she lashes out. He has been under her spell since he was 15 and sixty years later he can’t see the truth. I am very sick with 4 autoimmune diseases, that I feel are related to the trauma of the last 44 years of being alive. I remember my mother lecturing me that I had disappointed her in a mirror when I was 2.
Hi Kate,
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Can you break away from this unhealthy dynamic? I hope so. I’ve heard of many daughters in your situation who get sick from enduring years of abuse.
Thank you for writing and sharing your experience.
Katherine
I saw the title of this blog and couldn’t pass up reading it, because I always knew it existed, but I last month I told my mom and needed some space and the wrath of dad unfolded. To the point that I was told to fix it/go back to the way things were or I would be cut off completely including “inheritance and gifts”. I could care less about the money. I just want my life back. I’m most of the way through the book and it’s been very helpful. I was wondering if you have any resources or research for “Good Daughters” who are part of the LBGTQA+ community?
Hi K,
Oh goodness. It sounds like you have been hit with the full force of this dynamic. Ugh! Your Dad must know your mother’s behavior is pretty egregious to feel the need to level such a heavy threat. That’s quite telling, don’t you think?
You bring up a good point about the need for resources for the LBGTQA+ community and “Good Daughters.” I don’t know of any, but I will keep my eyes and ears peeled for such.
Best of luck, and I hope the book continues to be a good resource for you.
Take care,
Katherine
I wished to have found some info on a possible covid mother and a possible covid father together.
I saw outright selfishness, extreme selfishness infact (he made my mother support him and the entire family even when she was critically ill with cancer, he didnt work). With my father there was so much sarcasm, moody manipulation, self-pity, offence and ultimate abdication of the father role in the family. A father who clearly favoured my sister. I seemed to understand this as we were 10 years apart and I was a baby that rejected all social contact. I understood it. I believe he was a great daddy but terrible father and husband.
My mother was a shiny star. Perfect hostess, perfectly dressed, we had to have impeccable manners, she name drops to this day. So much energy yet so tired. She is a servant to all and is loved by all her meet her. She is really so perfect yet so controlling. Yet, as i grew i realised i was suffocated. There is also a lot of subtle, so subtle, manipulation. But it was so confusing. My sister and I no longer talk and I see narcissism there but maybe it is just hurt. She has ensured none of her children talk to me either. All extremely confusing. Nothing spoken, no boudaries, no protection from either parent. No advice, nothing.
In short, i was the financial support from a fairly young age. I neglected my son to care for my mothers medical needs. I was guilty, felt i had this unspoken responsibility, I looked after them for a number of years as a mature adult but was the child in the houshold. I could not even hang the washing correctly. Since my son had to leave the country and I was trapped looking after them and could not be there to support him with extreme psychological needs, I had a complete breakdown – physical and emotional. Its been 7 years and I am still recovering. My memory is still impaired, my vocabulary is returning, my cognitive ability is improving.
To escape, I gave up everything and fled the country. I am a little closer to my son now and still have a mother who would like me back. A mother who told me my father didnt like me so when he died I was left with unresolved issues. He would never have a converstation. My sister will never have a converstation. My mother will side with whoever she is with. I now do not want to talk about anything.
As I write this, I feel like I am misplacing her, misplacing my father, misplacing my sister. But I no longer care. I still support financially but the bare minimum and have determined to focus on myself.
I so wish I could have broken free sooner but the health issues and financial needs seemed to keep me bound. No excuses. I was weak. I now pay the price with my son and trust God to heal the damage.
Daughters reading this – if you feel trapped, confused, exploited, unhappy and possibly suffocated – distance yourself for a while. Protect your own peace. Protect your own offspring. Follow after peace and pusue that. You are not selfish. You deserve to be free and to have a full life.
it sounds like I wrote this article word for word. after 15+ years of making constant excuses for my enabler father – thinking of him as one of her victims and believing that my bdp mother had truly convinced him that I was this “bad child that hated my mother for no reason” – I finally realized that he is worse than she is. He is aware of everything that goes on. He knows she is mentally unwell and that I am her favorite target and he’s actually OK with that because when she is fighting with me she lays off him in the meantime.
I have finally stopped answering him and none of his usual tactics have worked I.e. the hoovering, the guilt trips, the sudden random innocent seeming questions etc. I feel at peace for the first time in years. They have now turned their entire family against me and Christmas just passed with no contact from my parents, my golden child brother, my grandma, uncle or aunt and yet it was one of my favorite holiday seasons yet. There was no drama, no fighting, no anxiety. I didn’t have to worry about things like the possibility that I got my dad a better gift than my mom and that she might cry and kick me out of the house and that my father might get mad at me for “purposely doing that to upset her.” ( true story ) I am finally free from the cycle of abuse and stopping contact with him is the best decision I ever made. He is a lost cause and I am done feeling sorry for a grown man who has never once felt sorry for the things he has forced me to go through.
Dear Brittany,
Your bravery shines through in this comment. Thank you for showing others the way and that peace is in fact possible.
Katherine
I just moved back to my hometown after being away for 13 years. Im staying with my parents until I get my own place. My mother recently told me she knew I was talking bad about her with my Dad. She knows everyone thinks she’s a b*tch. She’s misunderstood….I just stand there as she has a conversation with herself about how I feel, and how everone feels. She has maintained that narrative almost the entirety of my life. Any interjection would be pointless. She sometimes speaks to me as if in some sort of competitive tone which bewilders and confuses me, because she is my mother and not some dorm roommate. She recently told me I’m making her feel bad for cleaning and organizing too much. That I act like I’m better than her. And I think I always have the better way, better idea. These are things she has said to me. Your article brought some comfort to me, as I felt as if I was reading about my very own family. Its horrible. Mourning the real relationship I want has been the hardest thing. 40 is around the corner and I feel like I’m just now starting to put some peace into practice. I can’t shake the feeling of guilt. Almost pity but that’s not the word. I feel terrible that she has to treat me this way, maybe because of her own traumas? I don’t know…..I just know it’s hurtful.
Hi Kristen,
It’s so hard when the person who happens to be your mother is jealous and envious of you. I hope you know that this is her failure, probably set into motion long before you were born. In my estimation, nothing you can do (including feeling guilty) can change how she is wired. Only she can do the work on herself. Even then, it would be a long and arduous process. You can however protect yourself from the most harmful aspects of her personality. Some might say you owe that to yourself.
I feel for you about grieving the loss of a relationship you’ve needed and wished you had. I, too, hope peace is on the other side of that grief.
Best of luck,
Katherine
Has anyone had a special bond with their dad only to realise they must emotionally distance because of this dynamic when gone too far?
I always thought my Dad loved me and would have my back because even though he never stood up to my mother in private he would help me or give me money and he would say don’t tell Mom. But as time went on and I got older although the physical abuse stopped my mother was still emotionally abusive, cold, invalidating, critical and judged everything. She has always been emotionally unavailable and absent and when she was around it was just to abuse us. I waited over 40 years for her to stop being mean and finally accepted the fact that she will always be that way and nothing I do or say could ever change it. She is emotionally immature and has mental health issues that are not treated because she doesn’t believe in therapy.
I used to view my dad with respect as a strong individual but once I was able to step back I noticed he’s a puppet and lives to not upset her, this was a hard realization! And perhaps I was in denial for a while because I used to view him as a victim like me, sometimes it felt like us against her, so it’s very sad to realize that it was always them against me. The final straw was when he sided with her after I told her how all the abuse effected my life & I couldn’t deny it anymore. She made him text me to say we weren’t going to dinner on my birthday because I upset her. Usually starting in September he would ask me what I wanted for Christmas but now it’s almost the end of November and he hadn’t yet, so I told him one thing that I wanted and his response was “we’re not doing Christmas” because I said I didn’t want to see my mother anymore. I told him that I already got him a few things and he said “save them or something”.
All I did was tell my mother how much she hurt me as a child but instead of apologizing she got mad. And he may have been a victim but he was just enabling her to continue abusing us because he never stepped in and tried to stop her which makes him an accomplice and Guilty By Association.
I don’t know if you are still monitoring this article for comments or not. I’m a 61 year old man who has struggled with anxiety depression and substance abuse my entire life. I have looked and looked for something that really explains exactly how I felt growing up and what the consequences were. What I found in this article was a revelation. Although I am a man, if you substitute the word son for the word daughter in this post it sums up my life completely. I have been in therapy now for several years and it is definitely helping. I don’t know if you have written anything specifically for men with narcissistic mothers and enabling fathers, but I think you just did if you change those two words. Affirmation is important, so thank you for writing this.
Hi John-
I have heard that sons have had the same experience. Really, psychology is psychology, and it doesn’t discriminate based on gender. In fact, I recently had a book review (from Germany) that said I should just substitute the word ‘son’ for daughter and that the ( The Good Daughter Syndrome) book had helped him.’ It’s true daughters fall into the trap more often than sons; however, sons are not immune. Thanks for commenting, and best of luck on your journey.
Katherine