( updated October 2024)
( The Passive-enabling father says )
-“Don’t upset your mother.”
” You know how your mother is.”
Or the worst…
” Go apologize to your mother and make things right with her.”
You wonder-
is it possible Dad is in the dark when it comes to mom? Is he blind to her manipulations, or is he so snowed by her that he genuinely thinks it is all okay? You can’t be sure.
But it leaves you wondering if he genuinely cares.
You may have felt sorry for him and saw him as a victim. Even so, you can’t reconcile the fact that, at the end of the day, your passive-enabling father will side with Mom, no matter how unreasonable or cruel she is to you (or him, for that matter).
With a passive-enabling father, you wonder if anyone is truly on your side. You can’t understand why Dad doesn’t protect you. That’s what really hurts.
If your mother is narcissistic, borderline, or difficult, life is hard enough without Dad totally flaking out and leaving you out on a limb… when it comes to dealing with her Mother.
For the life of you, you can’t understand why he let’s Mom get away with it.
But the truth is if Dad has stuck around this long, he has gotten by keeping his head down and doing his wife’s bidding.
He has learned there is hell to pay if he goes against her.
It’s how he has survived thus far. He has learned to go along to get along. …
This is a reason, not an excuse.
Often, in private, Dad might agree with you and tell you how he understands that Mom is unreasonable,…but when it comes time to back you up, he caves or denies his feelings altogether.
That’s almost worse. You are lured into thinking that he’ll help you handle her, but when you see that he is defenseless in the face of her dominance over him and holds no real power, it can make you feel even more hopeless.
It can come as quite a shock- to discover that your passive enabling father is a two-for-one deal; take Mom as she is and put up with her exploitative ways without complaint… or lose both parents.
It can be a rude awakening and a cruel choice for a daughter to have to make when you realize Mom and Dad are a package deal.
The passive-enabling father is often overlooked in the intricate dance of mother-daughter relationships.
If he’s still in the picture, he’s likely mastered the art of staying out of the line of fire by keeping his opinions to himself and following his wife’s wishes.
But let’s be clear: this isn’t an excuse for his behavior; it’s just an explanation.
Many dads may privately acknowledge their wife’s unreasonable behavior but find themselves unable or unwilling to confront her or stand up for their daughter.
It’s a tragedy for daughters whose fathers are not psychologically equipped to stand up to their spouses.
When they can’t muster the courage to do so, they may feel caught between a misguided loyalty to their spouse and their desire to support their daughter. Unfortunately, their daughters often bear the consequences of their silence.
You can soon learn that confiding in Dad offers you no protection.
Discovering that your passive enabling dad is unwilling or unable to advocate for you can be a harsh reality check. It shatters the illusion of familial unity and leaves you feeling alone in your struggles.
But it’s important to remember that your dad’s silence or compliance doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care about you. It’s a result of his own upbringing, conditioning, and fear of rocking the boat.
Unfortunately, this leaves you with little to no protection from a mother who is hard enough to deal with.
It can be some comfort to know that it is part of a familiar pattern that isn’t unique to you.
It’s not you; a narcissistic Mom can lord her power over the entire family -each family member is trapped in a role that binds them to her and sets family members against one another.
What can you do about a passive-enabling father?
Although you might be tempted to call Dad out, convince him that Mom is manipulating him, or confront them both, in the long run, this is likely to backfire.
Although you would be in the right, their long-standing unspoken agreement has deeper roots that date back to before you were born.
You can however, free yourself.
To do is a journey with many steps along the way-
Awareness of the big picture
When you zoom out, you will see that Dad’s passivity is only part of a larger, more complex picture.
With Mom’s narcissism at the center, you will begin to see how it touches every facet of family life.
This awareness can empower you. You see that it isn’t your bad luck or your fault.
Acceptance –
Once you become aware of the big picture, the long road to acceptance begins.
When you have exhausted all the avenues available to you, you reach a point of surrender. You accept that you can’t change them. You can only change yourself.
But there is plenty you CAN change.
If you want help – I’ve got tons strategies you can put into place today.
Freedom –
There is always darkness before the dawn. When you truly let go of trying to change, explain, and plead with your family to act reasonably, you can begin to see the road to freedom.
You start operating outside of the family system rather than sinking in the quicksand of fighting them.
There is a measure of relief in this. When you stop trying to change a dynamic that is stubbornly not going to change, you realize there is a life waiting for you.
How has your father enabled your narcissistic, borderline or difficult mother? Let me know in the comments.
Suggested further reading:
When Mom Won’t Let Go https://daughtersrising.info/2017/12/13/when-mothers-wont-let-go-of-their-adult-daughters/
Is Your Mother a Covert Narcissist? https://daughtersrising.info/2021/04/09/covert-narcissistic-mother/
The Effect of Being Raised By A Mother With BPD https://daughtersrising.info/2021/09/20/bpd-mother-7-effects-she-has-on-her-daughter/
How a Covert Narcissistic Mother Affects Her Daughter https://daughtersrising.info/2024/08/06/7-damaging-effects-of-a-covert-narcissistic-mother-on-her-daughter/
Setting Guilt-Free Boundaries https://daughtersrising.info/2024/07/13/setting-guilt-free-boundaries-with-mom/
The Good Daughter Syndrome® https://daughtersrising.info/2024/03/20/what-is-the-good-daughter-syndrome-do-i-have-it/
How to Deal with a Guilt-Tripping Mother https://daughtersrising.info/2022/11/20/guilt-tripping-mother/
My dad was somewhat passive/enabling of my narcissist mom. There was a certain amount of go along to get along. And my mom also hid a lot of the worst of how she treated me from him, since now and then he would stand up for me. Then dad became hyper -religious when I was in my teens, which was actually a stroke of genius. Mom couldn’t publicly object to it, since she was so concerned with her image as a pillar of the community. And if you’re a straight, white man then religion really hands you a lot more power. Suddenly dad had a team of people in his church who would back him up and agree that the husband is the head of the household. Dad was thoroughly lambasted about it privately – there were some truly traumatic fights- but mom couldn’t just leave him without losing her image as the perfect wife and mother. In the end she joined his church and is in the process of talking over whatever she can grasp of the administrative role.
Dear Elsa,
Thanks for writing about your experience. As anyone who has encountered this phenomenon will attest, it is not always straight forward and has many twists and turns. In the end, I hope you are afforded some level of protection.
Take care,
Katherine
I learned that my dad will defend and side with mom till the death of him. She has him so wrapped around her finger it’s sickening. He’s lost his identity and is literally her puppet. The article summed it up with this quote, “ It can be a rude awakening and a cruel choice for a daughter to have to make when you realize Mom and Dad are a package deal.”
Thank you for the great knowledge. Do you offer therapy sessions?
Hi Sandra- I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. Arrgh.
I do have a consultation package under the coaching tab on my website, but my psychotherapy practice is local, and I have a year’s waiting list.
Thank you for writing and sharing your experience.
Take care,
Katherine
This article and the comments resonate so much with me. As an adult I’ve come to realise my mum isn’t just controlling but is in fact a covert narcissist & my dad is a passive-enabler. My sister is also the ‘good daughter’ who spends so much of her time appeasing my mother she’s forgotten to build a life with her husband. Maybe we should start our own recovery group. Sending hugs to you all X
Going through an interesting situation of this passiveness right now. Finally officially giving into the fact my mom is a narcissist, even though my brother does see it that way says she’s a “highly emotional person and that it comes out in different ways”. These ways are that if you go against the grain, you are in the wrong and the cause of my mother’s unhappiness. So much so that even though I have a concussion and cannot do more than about an hours worth of activity (including something as mundane as watching my daughter play soccer) without it wiping me out. My husband planned mothers day for me, and the my mom had texted my family saying when to come to her house to get together with the whole extended family – “that’s how we’ve always done it”. We’re military, we lived about from home for 7 years and part way into that had our first child.
I break the mold a lot, I don’t do something just because it is traditionally what my mother or father did. My parents are divorced so we were dragged around to 2 of everything. My mother and brother are very social beings, they love all the events and get togethers. My husband and I don’t so much, we’d prefer more intimate settings.
I told her I couldn’t do her mother’s day, but would like to try to take her for breakfast with my girls later in the week. My kids are 3 and 1, not good sleepers, so that coupled with long last concussion symptoms and other ailments from a car accident have been difficult. I had also had flowers sent to her place earlier in the week prior to mother’s day because I knew she was going to the lake and I wanted her to enjoy them. We had a big fight, got into the kind of conversations where my mom “believe it or not had young kids too” and she deemed “I’ve never done anything for anyone else” when I’ve said since becoming a mom I’ve focused more on my well-being for my family so I can be the best person for my girls; meaning I don’t just give into everything my mom wants anymore. I literally didn’t pursue the degree I wanted in school because “you can do better than that”. Happiness for me was out of the question if it didn’t align with what she thought was right for me.
She recently has also been overstepping more. Ignoring what my husband and I tell her we want her to do with our daughter, even after she had just asked us; deliberately ignoring what we said. Given my oldest is 3, we are trying to talk more about emotions and our feelings and walk through things, if she gets upset we allow her to feel her feelings and when she’s calmed down we talk about it. Talk about how we can express our feelings sort of thing. My mom has been trying to interrupt me midway through talking to my child or talk over me to get my daughters attention. She has shown on many occasions what she cares about now is her grandma role and access to my grandkids is what she wants, she thinks she can say mean and rude things to me, then an hour later that everything should be normal. She was “speechless” when I had said I needed abit of time to figure out how I feel about hers and mine relationship. Then said “so I don’t get to see the kids tomorrow?” (A day she would have normally come for a visit). I had to change appointments that normally she could see on my calendar because if they were days when she visited I would share the invite. She asked me why I was canceling, demanding to know the answer and asking multiple times when I just said I needed to cancel. She asks if “I’m just excluding her”.
Anyways, all this to say, and what relates to this article is, I called my dad and ended up talking about it (unintentionally). They’ve been divorced since I was 5 but I’ve come to realize he has always been passive. Things like “she means well” “She has best interest at heart”, even this after my mom ended up marrying his best friend and we told him my mom constantly bad mouthed and tried to make us side with her on things over him. I also told him she’s been commenting on my body again lately, and in my young adult life I had body dysmorphia, and he just brushed it off. He asked if I had though about it from her point of view, which I had because I had thought how I’d want to try and support my child in the trenches of motherhood; she if see needed anything for mothers day. He has said things like “that’s how your mother is”, and I’ve come to realize I don’t ever remember seeing him actively doing anything when she was manipulative and over stepping.
I feel at a loss, I can’t talk to my brother, I had hoped my dad would be on my side but he is remaining more neutral. I’m to a point where I’m debating limited contact with my mom or just breaking ties together because she refuses to acknowledge things needed to be acknowledged and won’t go to therapy (not that it would matter if she didn’t actually want to go). She’s the kind of person who even made her own brothers arrest about her, how it was impacting her life, not wanting us to even talk to our dad about it, and didnt recognize her sibling was having mental issues. It’s been such a hard year, and I just feel like I can’t wait until we are moved away from my family again so I no longer need to worry about this.
Hi Tired Daughter,
I can certainly hear why you would be tired…and how disillusioned you must feel after enduring so from your mother only to have your dad (and brother) fail to validate your experience?
Just for a hypothetical, I am going to make a couple of assumptions that may or may not be true. So take what I have to say with a grain of salt or disregard it altogether if appropriate.
Let’s assume your dad feels guilty for the divorce ( even tho it wasn’t his fault) and is trying to (in his mind) minimize the damage done by being magnanimous to your mother. After all, he got out and doesn’t have to deal with her anymore.
A second assumption I am going to make is this -say, for instance, he truly thinks he is doing you a favor by not bashing your mother.
If that is the case, it might help to say something like this, ” Dad, I understand you are trying not to make things worse.. but your responses and “neutrality” make me feel dismissed and invalidated. Your and Mom’s marriage is history, but as your daughter what I need from you now is your witness and support. Not to argue with her, but to validate me.
I realize this may do no good. However, it might make you feel like you’ve stood up for yourself in a clarifying way and let your dad know that what he is doing is not helping you but is enabling her.
Best of luck,
Katherine
Thanks for your response. I do think you’re likely right about my father.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if I should be cutting ties with my mother. I’m worried my Dad will judge and I know my brother will be on my mom’s side, despite him thinking he is a reasonable adult. He has been groomed to take her side. My Dad asked me how my mother’s day went, I feel like he wanted to know if I saw my mom, but he didn’t press for more info when I didn’t indicate whether I saw her. I don’t want to feel judged. I texted her happy Mother’s day, she got her flowers earlier in the week, I just wanted nothing to do with her. Even sending her that texted seemed to make her thing we could just get into small talk but I am not at a place to do that.
I want to protect my kids, my relationship. I feel like telling her what is okay and isn’t okay for me or around my family seems pointless because she has spent my whole life not caring about that kind of thing. After the scenario happened above, she sent me an email. She said “Yesterday was a horrible step backwards for me in our life. I am so sorry it happened.” and “My life is too short and I just can’t spend another day feeling sad about us. I will do anything to help you to make things better.” amoung some other things. I feel like she hasn’t taken responsibility, maybe doesn’t recognize what she did was wrong. She wasn’t allowed to see my kids, so now she wants to figure out a way back in. I don’t understand why she evens says “to help you to make things better”. I guess it’s her transactional nature? I’ll buy you this or bake this and things will be back to normal.
It is exhausting. It is more than I want to continue to deal with in my life. But it also feels like I’ll be losing more than just my mother, which makes it a lot harder. How is someone supposed to do this? I worry if I keep her in my life, it will blow it up at some point.
Dear Tired Daughter.
I have no training in this but speak from experience. My sister has children, I do not. I am 65, she is 63. About 6 yrs ago I read a book on narcissists. I got on with my mom, now 90 thru forgiveness and distance. My sister is still dealing with self esteem, anger and feelings of shortcomings (despite being extremely educated, accomplished and a great partent to 3 wonderful adult children!). That our mom’s words and actions could cause so much pain …. for 60+ years, is truly a crime. I recommend living for yourself and your children and husband. You will NEVER EVER EVER satisfy your mother. This makes it ok to stop trying so hard. Good luck.
My father tells me I should feel sorry for my mother because she can’t change. He wishes me to pity her after all of the abuse. He sends me pictures of her crying so that I feel guilty for standing up for myself when she lashes out. He has been under her spell since he was 15 and sixty years later he can’t see the truth. I am very sick with 4 autoimmune diseases, that I feel are related to the trauma of the last 44 years of being alive. I remember my mother lecturing me that I had disappointed her in a mirror when I was 2.
Hi Kate,
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Can you break away from this unhealthy dynamic? I hope so. I’ve heard of many daughters in your situation who get sick from enduring years of abuse.
Thank you for writing and sharing your experience.
Katherine
I saw the title of this blog and couldn’t pass up reading it, because I always knew it existed, but I last month I told my mom and needed some space and the wrath of dad unfolded. To the point that I was told to fix it/go back to the way things were or I would be cut off completely including “inheritance and gifts”. I could care less about the money. I just want my life back. I’m most of the way through the book and it’s been very helpful. I was wondering if you have any resources or research for “Good Daughters” who are part of the LBGTQA+ community?
Hi K,
Oh goodness. It sounds like you have been hit with the full force of this dynamic. Ugh! Your Dad must know your mother’s behavior is pretty egregious to feel the need to level such a heavy threat. That’s quite telling, don’t you think?
You bring up a good point about the need for resources for the LBGTQA+ community and “Good Daughters.” I don’t know of any, but I will keep my eyes and ears peeled for such.
Best of luck, and I hope the book continues to be a good resource for you.
Take care,
Katherine
I wished to have found some info on a possible covid mother and a possible covid father together.
I saw outright selfishness, extreme selfishness infact (he made my mother support him and the entire family even when she was critically ill with cancer, he didnt work). With my father there was so much sarcasm, moody manipulation, self-pity, offence and ultimate abdication of the father role in the family. A father who clearly favoured my sister. I seemed to understand this as we were 10 years apart and I was a baby that rejected all social contact. I understood it. I believe he was a great daddy but terrible father and husband.
My mother was a shiny star. Perfect hostess, perfectly dressed, we had to have impeccable manners, she name drops to this day. So much energy yet so tired. She is a servant to all and is loved by all her meet her. She is really so perfect yet so controlling. Yet, as i grew i realised i was suffocated. There is also a lot of subtle, so subtle, manipulation. But it was so confusing. My sister and I no longer talk and I see narcissism there but maybe it is just hurt. She has ensured none of her children talk to me either. All extremely confusing. Nothing spoken, no boudaries, no protection from either parent. No advice, nothing.
In short, i was the financial support from a fairly young age. I neglected my son to care for my mothers medical needs. I was guilty, felt i had this unspoken responsibility, I looked after them for a number of years as a mature adult but was the child in the houshold. I could not even hang the washing correctly. Since my son had to leave the country and I was trapped looking after them and could not be there to support him with extreme psychological needs, I had a complete breakdown – physical and emotional. Its been 7 years and I am still recovering. My memory is still impaired, my vocabulary is returning, my cognitive ability is improving.
To escape, I gave up everything and fled the country. I am a little closer to my son now and still have a mother who would like me back. A mother who told me my father didnt like me so when he died I was left with unresolved issues. He would never have a converstation. My sister will never have a converstation. My mother will side with whoever she is with. I now do not want to talk about anything.
As I write this, I feel like I am misplacing her, misplacing my father, misplacing my sister. But I no longer care. I still support financially but the bare minimum and have determined to focus on myself.
I so wish I could have broken free sooner but the health issues and financial needs seemed to keep me bound. No excuses. I was weak. I now pay the price with my son and trust God to heal the damage.
Daughters reading this – if you feel trapped, confused, exploited, unhappy and possibly suffocated – distance yourself for a while. Protect your own peace. Protect your own offspring. Follow after peace and pusue that. You are not selfish. You deserve to be free and to have a full life.