“

(updated October 2024)

 Set Guilt-Free Boundaries With Mom

Sounds great, doesn’t it? And I promise we will get there by the end of this post.

As a psychotherapist for over 35 years, I know guilt is the #1 reason daughters have trouble setting boundaries with their mothers.  And even better, I know how to set you up for success- by eliminating or diminishing the guilt that stops you.

But first, to deliver on the promise of guilt-free boundaries, we need to decode what is making you feel guilty.

See if you can relate.

You ask Mom not to stop by unannounced, give you unsolicited advice on your love life, or comment on your parenting. Sounds reasonable, right?

But she responds with, ” Why would I need to call and make an appointment to see my own daughter? ” I guess I’m just a terrible mother.” I’m just trying to help you.” Only your mother will tell you the truth.”

You know you need to set boundaries with your guilt-tripping mother and know it is healthy. But you don’t understand why setting boundaries makes you feel so bloody guilty.

OR

You set the boundary only to be wracked with guilt afterward and fold like a house of cards at the first sign of pushback and end up telling yourself it’s just not worth it.

You might ask, “Shouldn’t I care about how my mother feels?”

To this, I want to be clear—a modicum of guilt is not necessarily bad. Guilt can be pro-relational. Not wanting to hurt another person’s feelings is understandable, even helpful. A reasonable amount of guilt can help us be sensitive to each other.

But that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m referring to the outsized, crippling, haunting, paralyzing guilt that keeps you from advocating for yourself with your mother.

If you are one of those daughters (and there are plenty of us:) who feel guilty when they set even reasonable boundaries with their mother.

That’s a problem.

So if boundaries are healthy, where is this panicky, icky, sinking gut GUILTY feeling coming from?

Why you might feel guilty about setting boundaries with Mom because

1- Deep down, you don’t think you shouldn’t need protection from the person who was (or should have been) protecting you.

Boundaries are protection

2-You and Mom may have conflicting interests- while it is your job to grow up and establish your independence, she may be more invested in not letting you go and keeping you in the “child” position.

Boundaries help you become your own separate grown-up person

3-Putting up a barrier to protect yourself from your mother can feel rude, accusatory, even unnatural, and scary. It shines an uncomfortable light on the myth that your mother can’t or won’t hurt you.

Boundaries can be a necessary shield against hurt, even hurt you genuinely wish weren’t there.

5- Even if she isn’t harmful, boundaries put a spotlight on the falsehood that your interests and Mom’s interests are one and the same.

Boundaries send the message to Mom- You and I are not the same person.

6- Mom takes your boundary as a rejection.

Boundaries say,-  I respectfully decline. I get to decide what I do and won’t accept from you- even if it’s something you want to give me. When and only when both parties in a relationship are free to decide what they will and will not accept from the other can there be a mutually respectful relationship of equals.

---

---

The myths behind these statements are outdated and harmful-

They are the myths that say Mom knows me better than I know myself. Anything Mom wants to give me, advice, suggestions, comments on my parenting, love life, finances, hairstyle, and sexuality, is all her business. Mom can weigh in on my life at any time on any subject, stop by unannounced, ask any questions—no subject is off limits, and it’s all good!

Right? Wrong!!!! 

YIKES- do any of you out there want a boundary-free relationship with your Mom? I didn’t think so. So let’s get down to business, then.

---

12 Secrets for Setting Guilt-Free Boundaries With Mom to Set You Up For Success.

 

Secret # 1 for setting guilt-free boundaries with Mom.

– Keep your cool.

Setting boundaries in reactivity tends to result in extreme statements. When we are in our fight-or-flight reactive mode, we tend to say things we either don’t mean or are so extreme we can’t follow through. Then, we lose credibility. When you state a boundary with a cool head, you will increase the likelihood of being taken seriously and feel less guilty doing so.

 

Secret #2 – for setting guilt-free boundaries with Mom.

Keep it short.

Don’t over-explain your boundary. When you go into lengthy explanations it can come across as asking for permission rather than asserting your needs. Say your peace. Keep it to the point. Stop talking :). When you refrain from acting guilty, you feel less guilty.

 

 

Secret #3 for setting guilt-free boundaries with Mom.

Set boundaries you can control.

For instance,  whether it is an example of a tough boundary- ” Mom, if you insist on calling me at work when I’ve asked you not to, I’m going to need to block your number.” or a softer one- “Mom, I’d like to give you my full attention when we talk so I’m going to wait until after work to return your call. ” No matter the boundary- set yourself up for success by structuring the boundary as something you take action on and feel strong rather than guilty.

 

 

 

Secret #4 for setting guilt-free boundaries with Mom.

Lead with kindness.

When you lead with kindness and you are telling someone something they don’t want to hear, you can feel good about how you conducted yourself. Then any guilt you feel will be lessened. If at all possible sweeten your request with kindness instead of anger. Even if Mom has stepped on your toes and you need a boundary to protect yourself, leading with kindness will ensure you feel that you have conducted yourself well.

 

Secret # 5 for setting guilt-free boundaries with Mom.

Expect Pushback 

Most likely, Mom is just fine with the way things are. Heck, it’s been working for her. So when you want to institute a change, she won’t like it. If you can take a beat and a breath… and let her have her reaction, you don’t have to concede any ground. Not reacting to pushback says ” I don’t feel apologetic or guilty”.  Fake it til you make it.

 

Secret # 6 -for setting guilt-free boundaries with Mom.

Start small and work your way up.

Make small changes and stick to them. Let your changes take root, solidify, and become the new normal. Begin a spiral of success that builds on the foundation you set – no matter how small. That way, you aren’t asking for the moon. You have no reason to feel guilty.

 

 

Secret # 7 for setting guilt-free boundaries with Mom.

Frame boundaries in terms of your needs, not her faults.

As tempting as it may be, instead of focusing on Mom’s inappropriate behavior (which may be truly outrageous) at the end of the day, the only thing that will move the needle (and help you feel less guilty) is framing your boundaries around your needs. For example- instead of saying, ” Mom, your expectation that I drop everything and come help you at a moment’s notice is completely inappropriate and is further proof that you are self-centered,” say” “Mom, dropping everything and responding to your urgent phone calls and texts are making me feel overwhelmed.  From now on, I will respond to your requests when I have the time and space to consider them.”

 

 

 

Secret #8 for setting guilt-free boundaries with Mom

Give Mom incentive to cooperate

Most moms (with the exception of the most difficult mothers- and they ARE out there) want to be part of their daughters’ lives- and want their daughters to feel good about the relationship. Because of cultural or religious expectations, they may be unaware of how to do so in a healthy way. By starting with, ” Mom I imagine you want to have the best relationship we can have and respecting my boundaries will go a long way to making me feel heard and valued.” By assuming upfront that your mother means well, you give her reason to cooperate. The more positive and reasonable you are, the less you have to feel guilty about.

 

 

Secret #9  for setting guilt-free boundaries with Mom.

Stick to specifics to avoid escalation.

As tempting as it is… to say, ” you always and you never,” that language can quickly devolve into a mud-slinging contest- not where you want to go with this. When you stick to the specifics of your boundary you are more likely to get cooperation and less likely to be baited into feeling guilty for “ ruining your mothers life 🙂 “. You genuinely are acting to make the relationship to be better.

Secret #10 for setting guilt-free boundaries with Mom.

Know when to walk away.

You’ve been reasonable and kind. You’ve kept your boundary specific and made room for Mom’s pushback. You’ve even sweetened the deal with an incentive. Wonderful.

Pat yourself on the back knowing you’ve done everything in your power to set a healthy boundary to help make your relationship better. Bravo. Now, you can walk away guilt-free and still follow through on your intention.

---

Some mothers have personality disorders or have the traits of a person with a personality disorder. If that’s the case, you cannot budge them no matter how kind and reasonable you are. It is helpful to know what you are dealing with plus it takes guilt out of the equation..

If you are in that place, I’ve written a book for you. The Good Daughter Syndrome – Help for Empathic Daughters of Narcissistic, Borderline, or Difficult Mothers Trapped in the Role of the Good Daughter. 

Whether your Mom is normal or especially difficult,( especially the covert variety)  I have one final BONUS to help you set guilt-free boundaries. 

 

Here’s a recap and further explanation –

Feeling guilty doesn’t necessarily make you guilty.

Although your sense of guilt is automatic and biological—a conditioned response, when you go against what Mom wants, that’s your (unconscious) Survival Brain trying desperately to get you to drop your own life and get back to the business of taking care of Mom.

If you have a particularly difficult mother and you are in the role of the Good Daughter, you’ve been programmed from an early age to place mom’s needs ahead of yours.

That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach tells you you did something wrong if you don’t call Mom back right away… or say “yes” to her when you want to say”no. ”

That feeling could be lying to you.

Guilt is a biological event, a conditioned response that might unnecessarily control you.

Here’s what I mean-

We feel the sensation and then supply the thought that goes with the feeling- even if it is faulty thinking.

When an adult daughter has been programmed to put her mother’s needs first, guilt is her default if she thinks she has upset her mother.

It is possible to separate the sensation from the thought.

By doing so, you can take a step towards freedom.

Guilt is the gremlin of all boundary setting. Get a handle on the guilt and take back your life.

---

Suggested further reading:

When Mom Won’t Let Go https://daughtersrising.info/2017/12/13/when-mothers-wont-let-go-of-their-adult-daughters/

Is Your Mother a Covert Narcissist? https://daughtersrising.info/2021/04/09/covert-narcissistic-mother/

The Effect of Being Raised By A Mother With BPD https://daughtersrising.info/2021/09/20/bpd-mother-7-effects-she-has-on-her-daughter/

How a Covert Narcissistic Mother Affects Her Daughter https://daughtersrising.info/2024/08/06/7-damaging-effects-of-a-covert-narcissistic-mother-on-her-daughter/

Setting Guilt-Free Boundaries https://daughtersrising.info/2024/07/13/setting-guilt-free-boundaries-with-mom/

Passive Father https://daughtersrising.info/2024/03/26/dont-upset-your-mother-narcissistic-mother-passive-enabling-father/

The Good Daughter Syndrome https://daughtersrising.info/2024/03/20/what-is-the-good-daughter-syndrome-do-i-have-it/

---

Sources

https://www.uaex.uada.edu/life-skills-wellness/extension-homemakers/BoundarySetting_Worksheet.2.pdf

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/feduc.2022.803393/full

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4383181/