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Narcissistic, Borderline and Histrionic Personality Disorders All Have This In Common

November 5, 2020 by Katherine Fabrizio

(Narcissistic, Borderline and Histrionic Personality Disorders all have this in common)

You may know mom drives you crazy but you don’t exactly why acts the way she does.

 

All you know is that it hurts.

 

You may know she is narcissistic, borderline, or histrionic but you don’t know exactly why she has to be clingy, needy, or downright mean.  It’s as if there is something driving her to be this way.

 

Bingo!

You nailed it …there IS something driving her to be this way.

And it has been hidden from you.

 

That is, until now.

Let’s pull back the psychological curtain and see what is happening.

Take a look below-

 

If you prefer to read

Transcript

Speaker 1:    What does the narcissistic, borderline, and histrionic defense all have in common, if anything?   Why should we care?

In order to answer this question, we need to look back in childhood and understand that a mother who develops these personality disorders or has traits of one, or any of them, develops these set of defenses, and that’s what a diagnosis is, a set of defenses in order to counter a deficit.

Speaker 1:     When we look at a descriptor of narcissism. We’d say, “Oh, yeah, that’s my mother.”

That’s helpful for recognition, but it doesn’t really talk about or let us know exactly what these disorders are. They are like what a fever is to infection. A fever arises to fight off an infection, but the fever isn’t the streptococcus or the bacterial infection.

Speaker 1:  Moms who didn’t get what she needed in development develops this. She doesn’t choose to do so, but the psyche takes care of itself in that it develops a defense against knowing how scary it was to be that kid or empty it was to be that kid. These defenses, well, they work until they don’t work.

Speaker 1:    They work to keep mom unaware of this emptiness, of the terror of this emotional pain. When they become rigid enough that they’re what we call intractable and part of a personality it is her personality, but it may not be her essential self.

Speaker 1:            Can you change it? Probably not. Can you impact it? Maybe a little bit.

New Speaker:    All these disorders are on a spectrum- enough to merit a diagnosis or enough to have traits of it.

Some people ask if mom’s narcissistic or histrionic or borderline will I be too? I would say the main thing you need to know about that is that it requires some kind of reflection. If you’re reflective and you’re like, “Oh, that was kind of narcissistic response,” or had a borderline over the top reaction to something if you’re able to reflect chances are that that defense won’t calcify and you won’t be described as that person, although you were capable of acting, as we all are of acting a little bit off the grid every now and again.

Speaker 1:      It’s important to know what these defenses have in common is that they are a reaction to an original deficit.

The more you know the more free you become.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Dealing With A Difficult Mother, dealing with a narcissistic mother, Mom

Comments

  1. Patsy says

    November 6, 2020 at 4:13 pm

    Mother was a sociopath! How damaged am I ?

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      November 6, 2020 at 4:41 pm

      Hi Patti,
      We are living in an amazing era where psychological awareness can change everything. Yes, I imagine your mother hurt you deeply but her problems do not determine your fate.
      In some ways, if your mother truly had no conscience, there is at least clarity in that. I would encourage you to stay away from labels for yourself like damaged. You have worth and a chance to create your own future beyond your mother’s legacy of hurt.

      Reply
  2. Toni says

    November 6, 2020 at 6:36 pm

    Hi Katherine,
    My mother was 16 when she had me. She treats me like a competitor vs her daughter. She interferes with all my family relationships and never wants to be part of my achievements. Is my mom borderline? Thank you.
    Toni

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      November 6, 2020 at 8:10 pm

      Hi Toni,
      It sounds hurtful and frustrating but I can’t be sure what’s behind your mother’s actions. Go here https://katherines-courses.thinkific.com/courses/difficult-momto get my free PDF that should explain the similarities and differences between the personality disorders as well as what they look like and how they got started.
      Good luck,
      Katherine

      Reply
  3. Susan Brownley says

    November 7, 2020 at 5:41 pm

    Thank you so much, this makes sense. My 91 yr old mother fits the narcissist to a tee. I have resently figured out that I have Aspergers, we discovered our daughter had aspergers when she was 18 (2012)just before college and my Uncle who died when I was 1( 1961) was autistic- he was considered mentally retarded back then and died in a state hospital. My grandmother often said my mother would hold her breath as a child to get her way. She was the middle child. She never talked about Ray and when I would ask she would say you don’t know how it was … I could never have anyone over… she never extpressesd any love for him and she has always been extremely judgemental of neighbors, co-workers and now other residents at her assisted living.

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      December 30, 2020 at 3:41 pm

      Thank you Susan for sharing your story. This sounds like a very painful legacy. How fortunate that we have a greater understanding of things like Aspergers these days yet I realize it is too late for your Uncle and compounded with your grandmother’s intolerence for differences. I hope you are able to have people in your life who know can show you love and acceptance. Your daughter is lucky to have a self aware Mom like you.

      Reply
  4. Teresa Watts says

    November 9, 2020 at 6:49 am

    My 82 year old mother has always had a volatile personality. When I was growing up, she would lock herself in her room and threaten suicide when she became exasperated with my siblings and me. I remember sitting in a tree in our backyard, looking down at her bedroom window and wondering how I was going to find that she killed herself. Would she use a gun, knife, hang herself? A 7-10 year old little girl should not have had to have such wonderings. Last year my mother made a very hurtful comment to me blaming me for something that happened to me in my past. She then denied she said it a and refuses to apologize. She told my father that she absolutely did not say it and he believes her. It is truly a textbook case of gas lighting. She can be very charming but is quick to criticize others’ people’s appearance. She’s very quick to point out his other people are odd. She is very expressive with her face, often rolling her eyes and looking up and waving her arms. She has always been somewhat critical but rarely cruel before the gaslighting. Her lie is more important to her than her relationship with me is. I have three siblings and only one will speak to her on a regular basis. He’s the youngest and a male. I used to think she was normal but as I grew up and got married and had three kids of my own I realized over time that something was just not right with her. I want to honor my mother but find it virtually impossible.

    Reply
    • Katherine Fabrizio says

      December 30, 2020 at 3:48 pm

      Hi Teresa,
      How terrifying for a young child to have to wonder how her grandmother would do herself in. I’m so sorry you had to carry that fear.

      And Mom sounds like a tricky character indeed. I hear the hurtful ways she has treated you and with Dad’s enabling to compound the problem.

      I would invite you to consider that the way you can honor your mother is to live beyond her limitations! You certainly get 3 chances with your own children.
      Best of luck,
      Katherine

      Reply

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The Good Daughter's Guide to Freedom

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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