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Dreading Mother’s Day? A New Perspective Could Help

May 8, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

Standing in the card aisle looking for a Mother’s Day card, you freeze. [The same holds true for all holidays and required gift-giving celebrations.]

 Nothing seems to fit how you feel. All of the cards you see describe a mother/daughter relationship you don’t recognize. Sappy. Sugary sweet. Over the top.

“ARGGG,  Why do I have to go through this every year”, you say to yourself. Does everyone but me have a mom who makes them feel supported and accepted no matter what?” Unconditional support. Total acceptance for who you are with no judgment. Yeah, right. Not my mom. Not in this lifetime.

Or maybe you feel this way- You love your mother and overall you appreciate she did the best she could. But, the truth is, you still struggle with major aspects of your relationship with her.

Most visits and conversations have an uncomfortable edge to them. Although you wish it weren’t the case, you come away from visits with mom feeling worse about yourself.  Tension and unspoken resentments fill the space between you. She may be oblivious to how hard you work to make encounters with her appear to go smoothly.

Do you-

  • Let barbs/judgmental statements go by without calling mom out? 
  • Politely answer intrusive questions even though they cross boundaries?
  • Endure backhanded compliments that sting but don’t push back?   

If so, chances are you are trapped in the role of the “good daughter”, the one who feels responsible for mom’s feelings. You feel like you have to come through no matter what! No matter what it costs you. You adhere to the familial golden rule, “Whatever you do, don’t upset mom on Mother’s day/Christmas/Passover/ her Birthday! ”

Yet, despite these tensions, you hold out hope that one day you will be able to have a real conversation with mom that might heal some old wounds. Yet, you see in your mind’s eye… mom opening your card. The card is one of those “over the top” cards full of sentiment you wish you felt but don’t.

She clutches it to her chest in gratitude. Your heart sinks as you realize this display pulls you even further away from any honest conversation that might actually clear some things up.

The pressure to be fake on Mother’s Day (or other celebratory days) hurts both Mothers and Daughters.

Ironically it paints you both into a corner that precludes any candid conversation that could bring you closer to a real connection. As it is…you are in the card aisle caught between two impossible choices.

  1. Do nothing and you might as well take out a billboard saying “I hate my mother” or better yet “I am a horrible daughter.”
  2.  Get that fake card and feel slightly nauseous. Even mom knows you all have issues and pretending you don’t is weirdly humiliating for you both.

This is how this idealization of mothers on mother’s day hurts both of you. This idealization of mothers on mother’s day is, in fact, dismissive of the real struggles and triumphs involved in the messy relating that is between mothers and daughters.

In yet another scenario – you’ve gone no contact and feel like a pariah on Mother’s day.

You’ve made the healthiest choice for yourself and that doesn’t involve seeing mom on mother’s day. You may stay no contact forever but, for now, a Hallmark holiday isn’t going to jeopardize your mental health.

This is a very private sometimes painful choice but perhaps the best choice for you. The toxicity is just too much. Although the decision to go no contact is the healthiest for you at this time in your life, you still have a hard time feeling okay going against the pervasive cultural norm.

Either way, this idealization of mothers paints both mothers and daughters into a corner.

Wouldn’t it be great if daughters weren’t faced with the impossible choice of honoring their mothers at the expense of honoring themselves?

What if we as a culture could honor all mothering relationships in all of its complexity and authentic beauty without the phony commercial overlay that restricts us all.

To find out if you experience the good daughter Syndrome go here 

If you are dreading your upcoming visit I have help for you. For a free survival guide to a visit with mom go here 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues Tagged With: Daughters, Dealing With A Difficult Mother, mothers day, visiting a difficult mother

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Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

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Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
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Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
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