When you look back do you realize how much of your life you have tried to make mom feel better about herself?
Before you realized it was an impossible thankless job, did you spent much of your childhood being good for mom so mom would be happy?
You didn’t, couldn’t, realize it was a trap.
It didn’t work. It never works.
Before you grew up and started feeling the yearnings to live your own life you spent much of your time trying to make mom happy. Working to be good enough and get mom’s approval was a central motivator in your life.
If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Am I right?
Now as an adult, you might feel pretty angry about all the wasted effort.
Even if she is demanding, intrusive and entitled, underneath it all you could always tell mom was/is an unhappy person. She didn’t feel good about herself.
Despite playing the role of the Good Daughter, the deep insecurity that is at mom’s core is always driving mom.
When mom has a full-blown personality disorder, Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic ( here is how to tell) you never had a chance.
You couldn’t get through the impenetrable wall that lets no light in and no light out. This is the nature of a defense.
If mom has traits of these disorders, is addicted or is buried under cultural oppression the effect on you can be much the same.
Perhaps you wore a mask and worked hard to present the perfect image so mom could be proud of you. The only problem is this – you were suffocating inside and it never really worked.
You wonder what keeps mom from taking in any good feeling? Why did mom remain critical and demanding?
Why is it impossible to fill her up no matter how hard you try.
That emptiness that threatens to swallow both of you, the impenetrable wall is behind the defense I am talking about.
Take a look below. This may help.
Transcript
Speaker 1: 00:02 So you might say to yourself, you know, I love, mom, why can’t she take that love in and feel it? Why can’t that cure her narcissism?
Speaker: 00:19 The answer lies in these two words, Narcissistic Defense; because the defense is a costume that you wear to yourself to keep you unaware of what you’re really feeling at the core.Speaker: 00:29 So this is, this is just the paradox of like you know, we hear it with movie stars and stuff, they have plenty of Oscars and, and gorgeous red carpet looks and they’re touted as brilliant. and then we find out they feel like nothing.
Speaker: 00:44 It’s because when something is defended against when a feeling is so awful that there is a defense, think about defense against being in touch with that feeling. Then the feeling never gets touched.
Speaker: 01:00 There are not enough special accolades, awards or complements that really fill that person up because it’s kind of apples and oranges. You’re itching here and you scratch here, right?
Speaker: 01:15 So it’s, it’s so complicated and difficult, to understand that the person who has a narcissistic defense is not settled.
Speaker: 01:27 They’re not happy. They may be very opportunistic, they may be glowing and performing and look like they have it all, but underneath it all there main psychological energy is to keep way feeling nothing, feeling like nothing to not fall into the abyss of emptiness.
Postscript-
So you see- you really can’t make mom happy.
You can dance to her tune, jump when she says jump and meet all of her demands, but you can’t make her happy.
Happiness is an inside job. Her defenses keep you on the outside.
Letting this sink in can be both a relief and a frustration.
But…
Understanding the nature of defenses can ultimately set you free.
You can stop trying to do the impossible.
You can learn to set boundaries without being swamped with guilt, put limits on your time and energy so you can live your own life.
Here is a script to help you out.
And here’s a meditation to soothe your conscious and unconscious mind.
I’ve got you covered. You can do this.
To find out if you suffer from the “good” daughter syndrome go here–
Tweet it out. Raise Awareness. Break the cycle!
You can't make your unhappy mother happy, but you can waste a lifetime trying. Click To Tweet Did you spent much of your childhood trying to make mom happy? Click To Tweet Did you wear a mask and work hard to present the perfect image so mom could be proud of you... thinking that would make her happy? Many a daughter, trapped in the role of good daughter has done just that Click To Tweet So you see- you really can't make mom happy. You can dance to her tune, jump when she says jump and meet all of her demands, but you can't make her happy. Click To Tweet Happiness is an inside job. A difficult/Narcissistic mother's psychological defenses keep you on the outside. Click To Tweet Once Click To Tweet If at the core of your mother's unhappiness is her insecurity and try as you might, you can't change that. Click To Tweet Ironically, mom's Narcissistic defenses prevent her from taking in what she needs to feel truly good about herself. Click To Tweet
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