( How the daughter of the Narcissistic Mother develops imposter syndrome)
You might miss her unless you know what to look for. Plastering on a beauty queen/ camera-ready smile that functions more like a mask, than an expression of joy is the smile that insists, “I’m fine, perfect in fact. Why would you ask?” There is no joy, nor ease in that smile. It is more militant than confident. This smile is designed to keep you out rather than invite you in.
This daughter, trapped in the role of the “good” daughter of the Narcissistic Mother must hide her true self behind a mask of faux perfection. If she could speak from behind her mask and let you know how she feels, she might say something like this- “I’d rather take a razor blade to my arm than let you in on the dirty little secret that I am flawed and hurting. I don’t trust myself to be anything but people pleasing, yet I don’t trust people. I apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s safest that way.
She’s learned to be good instead of real.
“Listen closer, and you will hear her say, “In my house, we went by the motto, “if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. And it was true; Mom’s happiness is what mattered. If she wasn’t happy, it was my job to fix it. I don’t dare complain. I am always O.K. I’d better be.” Growing up with my Mother there was no room for me to feel anything but ok. That’s why, if I did complain I was told, “You’re too sensitive.” So, I’ve learned to pretend that I’m ok even when I’m not.”
Why she can’t tell her Mother how she feels? “I’ve tried to tell her what she does to hurt me, and it never does any good. It always ends up being my fault. I’ve learned it’s better to keep complaints to myself. Besides, any discussion about me always ends up about her. My real self is buried here underneath this mask. I might look alive, but honestly, I feel dead inside.”
The ‘good daughter’s” real self is buried alive underneath Mom’s neediness. “Everyone says I am a “good daughter.” They don’t know what it costs me. When I’m not good, my real self-threatens to break through. It is safer to be fake- no wonder I feel like an imposter. The problem is, my true self is angry and out of control. I’m afraid I can’t trust myself. So, I cut, exercise or starve myself to get her under control… to let off the pressure. I’m not always self-destructive. Sometimes it is enough to pull off good grades or get a job promotion. The trouble is when the good grades come in, or the job promotion is handed down, I feel like a fake. I’m flooded with doubt. I think I don’t deserve it. I’m just waiting to be found out- an imposter in my own life.”
Success feels like only a stay of execution. “I can never let my guard down completely. If my teachers or boss could see behind my act, they would see what a loser I really am. They would know I eat a carton of ice cream and then go for a 5-mile run to stop the critics inside my head. Those friends who think I have it all together would see I measure whether or not it is a good or bad day or by the number that registers on my bathroom scale. I don’t leave the house without my makeup. I need the mask. Everyone thinks I’m nice, but no one really knows the real me. I’m not sure they would like the real me if they knew me. So I hide behind this mask. Yet, it gets so lonely in here buried underneath this pretense of perfection.”
The reason she stays trapped-
“I’m like a Disney character, smiling on the outside while sweating bullets and cursing under my breath inside the suffocating costume. The only difference is… I can’t take off the costume. What’s worse, it isn’t even my fantasy- it’s Mom’s fantasy, and I’m just a prop in her magic kingdom. Sometimes, I get so mad at her and feel resentful. But, after I calm down, I feel waves of guilt. I can’t tell her what this is doing to me. It will only hurt her. That’s the real trap. The thing is, I don’t think she can help the way she is. She had a rough childhood, much rougher than mine, even though she hardly ever talks about it. When I ask questions, the look that comes over her face is enough to make me stop. I don’t want to see her suffer anymore.” But sometimes, I feel like it is her happiness or mine.”
Why the ‘good daughter’ never feels good enough- “Mom seems pleased when I do well. How can I take that away from her? That is, she is happy for the moment. She beams when I am making the grades, winning the trophy or acting like a plastic doll.
Can’t she see it is a performance, not a life? As pleased as Mom can be at the moment, once I stop making her look good, the criticisms startup. Trying to please her is exhausting and endless. I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough. So, I go on with the performance, mask firmly in place wondering if it will ever be my turn
Can this ever change?
After treating adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers for 30 years, the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good daughter” can be the hardest to spot and the trickiest to treat. Yet, a rupture in the facade or a crack in the mask can also be an opportunity for growth. What looks on the outside, like a tragedy can be a much-needed cry for help and a path to the essential self.
A cry that can be answered -A therapist who knows what to look for and what to do can help bring the daughter of Narcissistic Mother, trapped inside the role of the “good daughter” back to life.
Because living for someone else is no way to live.
To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome go here.
This article was originally published by https://psychcentral.com
TWEET IT OUT –
After treating adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers for 30 years, the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good daughter” can be the hardest to spot and the trickiest to treat. Click To Tweet Living for someone else, even your mother, is no way to live. Click To Tweet Click To Tweet A therapist who knows what to look for and what to do can help bring the daughter of Narcissistic Mother, trapped inside the role of the “good daughter” back to life. Click To Tweet A rupture in the facade or a crack in the mask can also be an opportunity for growth. What looks on the outside, like a tragedy can be a much-needed cry for help and a path to the essential self. Click To Tweet Those friends who think I have it all together would see I measure whether or not it is a good or bad day or by the number that registers on my bathroom scale. Click To Tweet The ‘good daughter’s” real self is buried alive underneath Mom’s neediness. Click To Tweet
I’m married to the Good Daughter. I would not wish her existence on my worst enemy. Fortunately, she is in therapy now, and I think that she’s got a very good chance of seeing a better life one day. It has taken hard work so far, and I expect that it will take hard work for years to come. I just wish that she could know that the effort is worth it, and that a happy existence is an extremely worthwhile goal.
In order for us to have gotten where we’re at today, I had to reach rock bottom myself. With the help of a (different) great therapist, I was able to start to understand the dynamics that were affecting our relationship and my own thoughts and behaviors. Not fun, but worth it.
To all those Good Daughters out there: you’re worth it. You are beautiful, intelligent, capable, and strong. Try to never forget that!
I want to thank you so much for writing. It looks like your wife has a wonderful ally in you. Don’t ever underestimate your role in helping her get free. She will need your strength and steadiness to make the changes she needs to make. I think the damage this “good” daughter syndrome does to partners is tremendously underestimated if not ignored completely. Stay tuned to this blog as I plan on wrting more about the negative effects on the marriage &/or parternership. I think it helps couples realize just what is at stake if left unchecked. You have given it voice here and I thank you. My best to you and your wife as you battle this. I am putting my faith in you both!
Thank you to Charles and his comment above supporting his wife . What a kind man. Also Katherine thank you for these blogs and videos- they’re very enlightening . I would be commenting on each one if I had more energy , but it takes everything I have just to focus and gather my thoughts these days . Being the good daughter has slowly accumulated a weight of heaviness over the years that is hard to bear. But I have hope, that slowly , bit by bit the burden is being lifted by new knowledge that has opened up to me about my mother’s narcissistic ways . I hope to gain my creativity and freedom after the healing .
Thank you so much Diana- it hurts my heart to hear how you have suffered from this syndrome. I am warmed by the thought my content has brought you some understanding. Please know- where there is life there is hope. Stay in touch and keep growing and working to break free of this cycle.
I cried reading this. Truth stung my heart like a double edge sword. It all makes sense now. I’m slowly starting to heal from all these deep wounds.
You can’t image how much your comment means to me. I am doing everything I can to bring this often overlooked phenomenon of the ‘good” daughter adaptation to the difficult mother to life. Thank you for your affirmation and keep checking back, I have lots of help and support for you here.