• Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Daughters Rising

  • About
  • Coaching
  • Resources
    • Blog
    • Book
    • Courses
      • Recovery
      • Therapist Training
  • Dealing with a Difficult Mom
  • Take the Quiz

How To Give Her Love You Didn’t Get

January 3, 2018 by Katherine Fabrizio

 

Growing up, did you feel lost and alone… dreaming of a mother who never showed up? You needed love and acceptance as a daughter- instead what you got was criticism & conditional acceptance.  This left you anxious and insecure. You learned to be “good” for mom instead of real for yourself. Still, no matter how good you were,  it was never good enough for mom. To this day mom stays needy. Needy of your attention no matter what you have on your plate. Now that you are the mother…you want your daughter to feel loved and cared for- not the way you felt growing up. You want to give the love to your daughter you didn’t get from your mother.

 

Let me lay it out for you. Even though you keep waiting for mom to show up and give you the love and acceptance you need-her insecurity keeps her wrapped up in herself. That’s the truth of it. Mom remains needy and demanding just when you have your precious daughter who needs your undivided attention.You keep wishing mom would change, support you, or if nothing else cut you some slack so you could attend to your daughter. Ain’t gonna happen. Here is a grown-up truth-

You can’t wait around any longer for your own mother to become the mother you need. Some mothers are damaged. They just don’t have it to give. This isn’t fair. It isn’t fair, but sometimes it is real. Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic, Addicted… mothers come in all shapes and psychological sizes. Many are wounded and pass down unspeakable harm. Others are deeply conflicted and undermine you with messages of support mixed in with put-downs that undermine your confidence. Whatever the reason for her deficient as a mother, the common denominator is this; mom’s needs trumped yours.

Mom just didn’t have it to give.

In summary –

  • 1)You didn’t get what you needed.

  • 2)It wasn’t your fault.

  • 3) It isn’t likely to change.

You need to feel this one in your bones in order to be fully present for her. Your own daughter’s wants, needs, and vulnerabilities are tugging on your sleeve & you want to be a better mother than the one you had. The irony is not lost on me. You feel the pressure of doing right by her when you still need so much from your own mother. I know. I know. This is a tough one. Here again, this is not fair but it is real. Clinging to the hope mom will change will get you nowhere but chronically disappointed and angry.

It is understandable that you sink into victimhood but staying there is toxic. It isn’t good for you or your daughter. This matters. This is important. But, how can you give what you didn’t get?

Are you doomed or will you find another way? I am here to offer you another way. You are dealing with a difficult mother, recovering your own self-esteem from the wounds she inflicted and parenting your own daughter, you can still be at the forefront of a mothering revolution. You can still give to your daughter the love that you never got from your own mother.

And how in the world is that supposed to work? I know it sounds counterintuitive but stay with me here. Not in spite of the hurt you feel, but because of that hurt…. you can motivate yourself to break the cycle of hurt. Not in anger or bitterness, but in health and gratitude for a fresh start. Your disillusionment can be an initiation to a new way of parenting.

As the daughter, in the role of the “good” daughter,  you bear the marks of mother’s pain. Yet you don’t have to mark her. You can support her in developing a real authentic self, not a people-pleasing  “good” daughter false self. By facing the pain of your childhood you don’t look to your daughter to heal those wounds- to be “good” for you rather than be real for herself.

This is how you break the cycle. By first facing the truth of your reality you clear the way for writing your own chapter with your daughter. The old paradigms are falling away. By facing the truth of your experience and making active changes in your own life instead of waiting for the love you never got – you can turn your hurt into power.

Connecting and witnessing your daughter instead of constantly trying to fix her, you empower her and restore yourself.

Let’s get started – See below for some very practical (free) advice.  Let me know how it goes. I think you will be pleased.

To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role – go here.

Raise Awareness. Break the Cycle. Tweet It Out.

To this day mom stays needy. Needy of your attention no matter what you have on your plate. Click To Tweet Even though you keep waiting for mom to show up and give you the love and acceptance you need-her insecurity keeps her wrapped up in herself. Click To Tweet Whatever the reason for her deficient as a mother, the common denominator is this; mom's needs trumped yours. Click To Tweet Mom didn't give you what you needed and it wasn't your fault. Got it? 1)You didn't get what you needed. 2)It wasn't your fault. 3) It isn't likely to change. Click To Tweet You are dealing with a difficult mother, recovering your own self-esteem from the wounds she inflicted and parenting your own daughter, you can still be at the forefront of a mothering revolution. Click To Tweet Connecting and witnessing your daughter instead of constantly trying to fix her, you empower her and restore yourself. Click To Tweet How To Give Her Love You Didn’t Get Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is how we rise.

Audio-

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/Giving-The-Love-You-Never-Got-From-Your-Own-Narcissistic-Mother-To-Your-DaughterAudio-8_18_17-8.44-AM.m4a

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL CLOSER TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND RAISE HER SELF ESTEEM – 3 HOW TO STEPS

Do You Want To Feel Closer To Your Daughter And Raise Her Self-Esteem?
3 Easy “How-To” Steps...
That Work Like Magic!

new-guide-photo

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]

Filed Under: Good Daughter Syndrome Issues, Mother Issues, Parenting Issues

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

The Good Daughter's Guide to Freedom

5 ways to break free and take back your life

Get my Guide

Katherine Fabrizio M.A., L.P.C.

is a Licensed Psychotherapist with 30 years experience and a mother to two grown daughters. She believes healing the mother wound is the single most important thing a woman can do to empower herself and her daughter.

Read more.

Reviews

Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
Counseling by Katherine Fabrizio
5.0
powered by Google
Brisa Silvestre
Brisa Silvestre
19:07 15 Feb 21
I absolutely treasure every single moment I spend in Katherine’s presence. From the very first time we’ve met, I felt very safe and cared for around her calm and nurturing energy. Katherine is truly empathetic and such a generous and thoughtful person. From my perspective, Katherine is one of those really special beings that you encounter once in a lifetime- if you are lucky enough. One of the things that makes being around Katherine so special is- no matter what the subject I was sharing with her, I felt that she was 100% present with me and actually practicing active listening (a skill that only a few possesses). Katherine’s judgment-free and kind approach, guided by her decades of counseling experience and her intuitive intelligence, gave me ease and strength to make choices that would elevate my relationships with my family, my partner, and beyond, while allowing me to process any left over emotional blockages that were obstructing me from healing and deep connection. I’m so grateful to have Katherine in my life, and I greatly appreciate her for inspiring me to continue to grow.
Stephanie Emerson
Stephanie Emerson
21:53 06 Feb 21
I've had the pleasure of knowing Katherine professionally and personally for two years, two very challenging years of my life. And I truly believe that our conversations empowered me to thrive. She has the ability to support you while listening and then by summarizing your words in the most authentic way. We began our relationship in person and were then forced to communicate by phone and through Zoom, her brilliance never dimmed, and I always look forward to connecting with her!
Lisa Canfield
Lisa Canfield
18:51 13 May 20
If you are struggling with "mother issues," or any other issues, i cannot recommend Katherine highly enough. She helped me figure out things about myself that have bothered me for years, that i never understood, that i thought were just part of being "screwed up." I wish I'd found her 10 years sooner, so i could have understood where my pain comes from and be a better mom to my (now adult) kids. if you are thinking about working with Katherine, seriously, don't wait like i did. she understands this because she's lived it herself and she really can help.
Mary Lee
Mary Lee
17:49 18 Jun 15
I've had the privilege of knowing Katherine Fabrizio for over 15 years, and benefiting from her clinical knowledge, compassion, and insight. Katherine creates a safe, comfortable environment for psychotherapy; fostering trust and a willingness to explore issues & feelings. While available to work with all adults, Katherine especially shines in her work with women. Mary M Lee, LCSW
Holly Mills
Holly Mills
18:55 21 May 15
Katherine is a woman unlike any I have ever met. She is so understanding, gracious, and affirming in her interactions with others. In my experience working with Katherine, I've come to value our time together as constructive and motivational. She has a knack for cutting through the chaff getting to the heart of an issue in a way that feels so unobtrusive. Her ability to speak to deeper seeded truths that affect our daily lives in our behavior, relationships, and life experience is beyond insightful - it's almost spooky! It's evident that her time counseling women over the past 20+ years really has given her a clear understanding of the issues facing my generation of daughters. I would recommend her to anyone in need of compassionate counsel during hard times. She is a joy to know!
A Non
A Non
14:31 09 Apr 15
Katherine is everything you want in a therapist: kind, warm, extremely intelligent, understanding, and receptive. She makes connections that you might never have realized. She never pushes her own agenda, and allows you to find your way, and focus on the things you feel are important. More than just listening, Katherine provides insightful feedback. Highly recommend!
Kathleen O'Grady
Kathleen O'Grady
15:36 28 Mar 15
Katherine Fabrizio exudes comfort. To be around her is to be creatively inspired by your own uniqueness, and to learn to accept, love, and even laugh at, your perceived limitations.
See All Reviews

Follow Along

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • The “Good Daughter” Syndrome Course
  • Daughters Rising Book
  • The “Good Daughter” Syndrome Quiz
Angel-Wings-150
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • About Katherine Fabrizio

Copyright © 2021 · Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in