Growing up, did you feel lost and alone… dreaming of a mother who never showed up? You needed love and acceptance as a daughter- instead what you got was criticism & conditional acceptance. This left you anxious and insecure. You learned to be “good” for mom instead of real for yourself. Still, no matter how good you were, it was never good enough for mom. To this day mom stays needy. Needy of your attention no matter what you have on your plate. Now that you are the mother…you want your daughter to feel loved and cared for- not the way you felt growing up. You want to give the love to your daughter you didn’t get from your mother.
Let me lay it out for you. Even though you keep waiting for mom to show up and give you the love and acceptance you need-her insecurity keeps her wrapped up in herself. That’s the truth of it. Mom remains needy and demanding just when you have your precious daughter who needs your undivided attention.You keep wishing mom would change, support you, or if nothing else cut you some slack so you could attend to your daughter. Ain’t gonna happen. Here is a grown-up truth-
You can’t wait around any longer for your own mother to become the mother you need. Some mothers are damaged. They just don’t have it to give. This isn’t fair. It isn’t fair, but sometimes it is real. Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic, Addicted… mothers come in all shapes and psychological sizes. Many are wounded and pass down unspeakable harm. Others are deeply conflicted and undermine you with messages of support mixed in with put-downs that undermine your confidence. Whatever the reason for her deficient as a mother, the common denominator is this; mom’s needs trumped yours.
Mom just didn’t have it to give.
In summary –
1)You didn’t get what you needed.
2)It wasn’t your fault.
3) It isn’t likely to change.
You need to feel this one in your bones in order to be fully present for her. Your own daughter’s wants, needs, and vulnerabilities are tugging on your sleeve & you want to be a better mother than the one you had. The irony is not lost on me. You feel the pressure of doing right by her when you still need so much from your own mother. I know. I know. This is a tough one. Here again, this is not fair but it is real. Clinging to the hope mom will change will get you nowhere but chronically disappointed and angry.
It is understandable that you sink into victimhood but staying there is toxic. It isn’t good for you or your daughter. This matters. This is important. But, how can you give what you didn’t get?
Are you doomed or will you find another way? I am here to offer you another way. You are dealing with a difficult mother, recovering your own self-esteem from the wounds she inflicted and parenting your own daughter, you can still be at the forefront of a mothering revolution. You can still give to your daughter the love that you never got from your own mother.
And how in the world is that supposed to work? I know it sounds counterintuitive but stay with me here. Not in spite of the hurt you feel, but because of that hurt…. you can motivate yourself to break the cycle of hurt. Not in anger or bitterness, but in health and gratitude for a fresh start. Your disillusionment can be an initiation to a new way of parenting.
As the daughter, in the role of the “good” daughter, you bear the marks of mother’s pain. Yet you don’t have to mark her. You can support her in developing a real authentic self, not a people-pleasing “good” daughter false self. By facing the pain of your childhood you don’t look to your daughter to heal those wounds- to be “good” for you rather than be real for herself.
This is how you break the cycle. By first facing the truth of your reality you clear the way for writing your own chapter with your daughter. The old paradigms are falling away. By facing the truth of your experience and making active changes in your own life instead of waiting for the love you never got – you can turn your hurt into power.
Connecting and witnessing your daughter instead of constantly trying to fix her, you empower her and restore yourself.
Let’s get started – See below for some very practical (free) advice. Let me know how it goes. I think you will be pleased.
To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role – go here.
Raise Awareness. Break the Cycle. Tweet It Out.To this day mom stays needy. Needy of your attention no matter what you have on your plate. Click To Tweet Even though you keep waiting for mom to show up and give you the love and acceptance you need-her insecurity keeps her wrapped up in herself. Click To Tweet Whatever the reason for her deficient as a mother, the common denominator is this; mom's needs trumped yours. Click To Tweet Mom didn't give you what you needed and it wasn't your fault. Got it? 1)You didn't get what you needed. 2)It wasn't your fault. 3) It isn't likely to change. Click To Tweet You are dealing with a difficult mother, recovering your own self-esteem from the wounds she inflicted and parenting your own daughter, you can still be at the forefront of a mothering revolution. Click To Tweet Connecting and witnessing your daughter instead of constantly trying to fix her, you empower her and restore yourself. Click To Tweet Click To Tweet
This is how we rise.
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