Do you live your life being good for mom?
You may feel inadequate, struggle with self-doubt and not know why? Could it be that your mother relates to you in a toxic way and you are so used to it – you can’t see it?
Is she a toxic mother?It may seem normal to you that you second guess your every decision and apologize constantly. You aren't quite sure where you end, and your mother begins. Click To Tweet
You may be so used to living this way you aren’t even aware that life could feel any different.
What makes for a toxic mother?
Underneath many, a demanding or controlling mother’s facade is an insecure person who worries that she will be found out. Or she may be meek and mild wounded mother who isn’t outwardly critical but drags her daughter down in more subtle ways.
Narcissism Personality Disorder or Narcissistic traits can be overt or covert. A desperate insecurity lies at the base of each one.
Insecurity is what makes her toxic.
It works like this-
Deep down, mom has little self-worth and needs her daughter to boost her sense of self.
The daughter, in the role of the “good daughter,” picks this up at the unconscious level. She experiences herself as an extension of mom and without being fully conscious of why works at being “good” for mom.
Many times the “good daughter” knows, or suspects, her difficult mother is narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, depressed, or codependent.
What she knows for sure however, is that she is very attuned to the effect she has on her mother.
Many a difficult mother plays on the Good Daughter’s eagerness to please. The daughter’s childlike self-has a very hard time telling mom things that she knows mom doesn’t want to hear.
Daughters have an almost 6th sense of how mom is feeling about herself and not know how to tell mom to stop giving her unwanted advice and still feel like a good person.
Here are–3 signs you are being good for mom at your own expense.
1) You know the phrase all too well ” If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” You will do just about anything to keep mom happy. Even if it means making you, your husband or partner, or children unhappy. As much as you hate to admit it, making mom happy comes first.
2) You try extra hard to be “good” for mom. You are hyper-aware of how your actions make your mother look to others.
3) You run all of your major life decisions by mom first. If she doesn’t think you should take the job, marry the man, change your hairstyle, you second-guess yourself.
When a daughter, in the role of the “good daughter,” feels she owes mom her happiness, neither party is served.
This cycle can be insidious and fueled by guilt that many a daughter is unaware that her life has been hijacked by mom’s problems, her insecurities.
She may be unaware that her mother’s problems aren’t really hers to solve.
The Good Daughter buys into the unconscious fantasy that says if she is good enough mom will be O.K.
The problem is…she may spend a lifetime, waste a lifetime trying to be good enough for mom.
And her own daughter will suffer.
Because she is so tied to being good for mom, the adult daughter of the difficult mother has a hard time being an effective mom to her own daughter.
And trying to make mom happy doesn’t work on an ongoing basis. It can’t work because change, like happiness, is an inside job.
You cannot GIVE your mother self-worth.
You can, however, tap into your feminine power, rewire your brain and parent your own daughter from a place of confidence.
By clearing up this toxicity in your relationship with your own mother you supercharge your ability to parent your own daughter. One impacts the other in powerful ways.
Will you say enough? “I want to clear away the blocks that keep me from being the best mother I can be. The cycle of shame, guilt, and self-doubt stops here.”
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother? Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One? Take the quiz and find out!