Is Mom’s advice unwanted?
Do you wonder why she persists?
Does it sting more than help and you’re not sure why?
There may be several reasons for this. However, if your mother seems hell-bent on telling you things “for your own good” there may be something more destructive at play. Some mothers criticize their daughters- while passing their criticism off as “helpful advice”.
When hostility is delivered from mom’s unconscious “helpful advice” can be a cover for something far more destructive. Click To Tweet
Watch how this happens.
Hi, it’s Katherine Fabrizio with help for the good daughter syndrome. In my book Daughters Rising: Rising From The Hidden Messages of Shame, Guilt, and Self-Doubt Mothers Pass Down To Daughters,
I break down 10 mixed messages mothers give to their daughters. These messages mix caring with covert hostility.
I go on to show how much of this negativity comes from the mother’s unconscious programming as a female in this patriarchal culture.
And as we know, what we don’t pass back, we pass on.The destructive part of the message is encoded in a broader meta-message of caring, the hostility affects daughters at the unconscious level. Click To Tweet
This makes it harder to detect and call out.
For instance, here is an example of a mixed message a mother gives to her daughter, “I will tell you the truth for your own good.” She often adds,” Nobody but your mother will tell you the truth.”
The overall message indicates that this mother is looking out for her daughter and is the only one who cares enough to be truthful with her.
This, however, can be a cover or an excuse for delivering a hurtful message while denying the hurtful intent.
The underlying subtext is this: “As your mother, I have a license to cut you down if you threaten me.”Many mothers have, on one hand, said, “ I'll do anything for you.” And then, in the same breath, say, ”I have a license to tell you the truth- as I see it.” Click To Tweet
This is where cruelty and unnecessary criticism that is leveled at daughters. Everything from the way she looks, and her sexuality to the way she conducts her life, mom weighs in a way that is often destructive.
Here are a couple of reasons a daughter might threaten her mother-
1) when she fulfills something in her own life that the mother couldn’t fulfill in her own life
2) when she doesn’t need her mother as much much anymore
The mother may cut her daughter down to size with a mixed message.
I see in my psychotherapy practice, Adult daughters who struggle with their mother’s mixed messages by giving their daughters unwanted advice.
The worst thing about this is that adult daughters are at risk of giving their daughters unwanted advice and perpetuating the cycle of hostility from mother to daughter.
Has your mother ever given you unwanted advice that you feel was more of a put down than a help? Let me know in the comments.
Find out if you are the Good Daughter- go here.
This is how we Rise!