Good Daughter Mini-Session #3

Trap #3 of the Good Daughter Syndrome

Karen writes:

“I’m always second guessing myself. I have so much self-doubt. Why can’t I just make a decision and stand by it?”

Here’s how the trap works…

Transcript

So Karen writes, you know, whenever I make a decision, I’m always second guessing myself. I have so much self doubt. Why can’t I just make a decision and stand by it? It doesn’t even have
to be perfect.Well, when you’re a good daughter attuned to mom, you are used to mom weighing in on all your decisions, mom’s criticisms, internalized voice in your head. If you’re passing all your decisions by your mom or expecting her to weigh in and giving her the chance, then inherently you have two people in your head.

You and mom are looking for a decision that’s, that’s perfect, that’s going to to be absolute. And this is just not possible. Every decision that you make solves some problems and then will have unforeseen problems…, but that is the origin of self- esteem and confidence… to be able to go forward, make mistakes, make imperfect decisions, feel solid about them,
implement them in a solid way, and then… learning from them. So you really need one person in your head. A way out of this trap- is to ask herself, am I giving, am I unconsciously or am I signaling to mom, you know, hey, what do you think about this decision?Or I’m going to pass everything by mom or, either submitting to what mom wants you to do or opposing what you think your mother wants you to do. Either way, it’s really not your decision. It’s in the relationship… either push back or submission to mom.

So I can put up some healthy boundaries, thinking about things for yourself and most of all, knowing that any decision is going to be inherently imperfect.

That doesn’t mean that you made a wrong decision. It means that you’re growing and growing in your independence and your confidence.

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