Good Daughter Mini-Session #2

Trap #2 of the Good Daughter Syndrome

So a good daughter, Emily writes,

“I try to set healthy boundaries. I do. But every time I set a healthy boundary, mom looks so hurt and I’m just swamped with guilt, I tell myself it’s just not worth it.”

Emily is caught in trap #2

Hear what I tell Emily – click cc for closed captions 


Because.. good daughter, at one time, your mother was the
sun, the moon and the stars,… and you felt 100 percent
responsible for her moods, her problems, and her impairments.
Even though you didn’t need to, you didn’t know you thought
about it that way, your unconscious brain is telling you a lie.
And here’s the lie, or the trap- is that you and you alone, are
100 percent responsible for your mother’s perceived upset…
Now she may be really upset and she may push back when you
set those boundaries,
But here’s the thing, when you really
build up the resolve, you can learn how it sounds. You practice,
you get in touch with the boundaries inside yourself.
You can set healthy boundaries and withstand the difficult feelings that
arise.The lies that your unconscious is telling you, you can unlearn.

It’s like when you go to the gym and build a muscle that’s weak at
first…then with practice gets stronger.
Because here’s what’s going to happen when you set those boundaries. Your unconscious brain
says you’re a terrible person… how dare you upset your mother!
And your family may say (your extended family may say)  that
too, but anyway, when you can wipe those all away, set the
boundary, you’re going to feel so good about yourself.
It’s kind of easier like that aerobics class you started….and six
months in,  you’re jumping around all over the place
or maybe that’s not your thing, …but just like so many things that are difficult.They get easier over time with practice and with conscious awareness.

That’s really the key out of this trap. The conscious awareness is
that your unconscious brain and you’re feeling self, it’s going to
tell you a lie when you set that boundary.
The lie will tell you that you are and you alone are 100 percent responsible for all of
mom’s angst.That’s just not true.