Good Daughter Mini-Session #1

Trap#1 of the Good Daughter Syndrome

So a good daughter, Susan writes,

“How come every time I spend time with mom I get off the phone with her or I come away from a visit with her, I feel like it’s never enough? I’m never enough. I’m never good enough for mom.”

I would suggest this is the trap that you’re falling into-

Transcript

Every insecure or disordered mother is relating to her, the attuned good daughter, in a way that suggests that the good daughter can make up for mom’s deficits. Now, mom may not be conscious of those deficits, but what happens is in the relationship, she projects those things she doesn’t want to feel herself onto you. Because of this, you forever need, fixing, bettering, gilding the lily, so to speak. And so she, at the unconscious level is relating to you as though you are an imperfect part of her.

Part of the problem is… she has the power. Because there’s always been a developmental power differential even though now you’re an adult, but your unconscious primitive psyche, attachment template doesn’t really know that. So you play into mom’s need to be needed, relevant. The person in the know, and by definition, this puts you in a one down position.

Now, let me throw you a rope to help you get out of the trap.

The first thing that you need to realize what’s going on, but this isn’t a situation that’s going to get better unless you do something, unless you take a step back, unless you stand up to mom,  unless you set healthy boundaries,  because the relationship is set up to elevate her artificially doesn’t really help her. That dynamic gives her the boost to feel better about herself really tragically at your expense.