Overview -Why Narcissistic Mothers Love To Argue

Have you ever found that your narcissistic mother can’t for the life of her… back down from an argument?  No matter what the subject, she can’t concede the point. She seems hell-bent on making her case rather than listening to you.

OR

Does Mom call you… and you could swear she’s just looking for a fight? You can tell by her tone how the conversation will go.

The initial conversation might end, but that’s not the end of it. She will pick up right where you all left off and start in again.

She just has to have the L.A.S.T. W.O.R.D. 

You wonder why she chooses conflict over peace. That’s the real question. Why would she actually choose to be at war with you when she purports to love you?

It’s a frustrating and exhausting cycle, leaving you questioning if it’s even worth it. It’s easier to go along to get along or avoid her altogether.

In this article,  I explore why narcissistic mothers love to argue and the internal chaos that drives them to draw you into their battleground.

Why Narcissistic Mothers Love To Argue

1) She Exists In A World of Internal Chaos:

If your mother is high in narcissistic personality disorder traits, she exists in a world of internal chaos- a crazy upside-down mix of buried shame and self-loathing with an overlay of entitlement and self-absorption.

All you encounter is her defense of superiority and the hard, unfeeling air of self-entitlement.

Her narcissistic internal world is replete with a roiling mix of conflicting emotions. As a result, this creates a sense of instability within her psyche.

Arguing becomes a way for her to exert power and maintain the illusion of control, even if it means dragging you into her whirlwind of internal chaos.

Why Narcissistic Mothers Love To Argue

2) She Seeks To Bring You Onto Her Turf:

Oddly enough, bringing you into the chaos and turmoil (within a narcissistic mother’s mind) can be strangely comforting to her. In doing so, she not only has company, she’s got you just where she wants you, under her thumb.

This world of unrest is her home turf. If she can bring you into this world, it reassures her that you won’t leave, at least not anytime soon. As long as she’s got you engaged, you are with her.

It’s also comforting to bring you into a familiar territory where she feels in control and has a fighting chance…at least in her mind.

Engaging in arguments reaffirms her belief that she holds power over you.

Drawing you into her world gives her a sense of validation and control. Tragically, she is blind to the damage it does to you and your relationship.

Why Narcissistic Mothers Love To Argue

3) The Need for Adversarial Empowerment:

Narcissistic mothers thrive on adversarial relationships. It is all they truly know. There is a winner and a loser, and she plays to win.

She is more comfortable (as comfortable as a narcissist can get)  in a confrontational setting, asserting dominance and manipulating the narrative.

When you argue with her, she gains a sense of empowerment by hijacking the conversation, twisting the narrative and framing it to her advantage.

 

Why Narcissistic Mothers Love To Argue

4) Their Ploy for Attention:

Narcissistic mothers often crave attention and validation. They want to be in the middle of the action- even if the action is destructive.

Engaging in a constant battle of arguments allows them to bask in the attention they receive. The more heated the argument, the more it becomes about them, fulfilling that need.

They are willing to go to great lengths, using denials, excuses, and accusations, to keep the focus on themselves, even if it means sacrificing your emotional well-being.

Why Narcissistic Mothers Love To Argue

5) The Emotional Toll It Takes On You :

As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, you bear the brunt of the emotional toll caused by these never-ending arguments.

The constant need to defend yourself drains you emotionally and mentally.

It leaves you feeling unheard, invalidated, and confused.

You start questioning your reality, second-guessing your thoughts and feelings, as your mother’s manipulations take a toll on your self-esteem.

What can you do?

You can refuse to play the game? ( I know it is easier said than done.)

When you set firm boundaries, grey rock (be as boring or unresponsive as a grey rock), or in some cases, cut contact altogether, you deny her the chance to spare with you. She loses her power over you if she can’t argue with you.

Deny her an argument, and you deny her the power to hurt you.

The Takeaway 

Understanding why your narcissistic mother loves to argue with you is the first step towards breaking free from her destructive grip.

When you know that the internal chaos drives her to engage in confrontations for control and empowerment, you can more easily resist taking the bait.

By recognizing their patterns and motivations, you can begin to protect yourself from the emotional toll these arguments take.

Resisting getting into a back-and-forth with your difficult mother isn’t easy, but it is possible.

I can help.