Daughters Rising

Do This To Embody Self-Confidence

by Katherine Fabrizio

Today we are bringing help straight to the body. Shot straight through the heart of your self-doubt. If you want to change & embody self-confidence – you need to take it up with your body. You need yoga for self-confidence. Literally. Right now. This moment. To embody the change you want to feel, you must get out of your head and into your body. Off the couch and onto the mat.

It isn’t enough to merely understand on an intellectual level what went wrong with your mother/daughter relationship. Awareness is essential and at the same time, not enough. Research by Amy Cuddy tells us that changing your body (even your posture)  sends powerful messages to the emotional centers of the brain. There is something to the expression “Fake it til you make it.” We can do better. We reject fake. Instead, we rewrite this to be- Embody it to manifest it.

And here is the amazing caveat– 

You don’t need to wait until you can strike the perfect yoga pose to gain benefits.  The very act of declaring with your posture/pose your intention you send powerful messages to your brain. Crazy -right? Turns out, not so much…you are more powerful than you know. So what’s this all about?

In the womb and later in her arms, mom was first experienced, felt, taken in and embodied. Simply put, she affected you, first and foremost, in your body in a sensory, physical way before you said your first word. Therefore it makes sense that...healing from a deficit in mothering must incorporate those embodied felt elements.

Let’s make this relevant for the daughter trapped in the role of the “good daughter”.

 

If you’re like so many good daughters, you have trouble saying some of the hard things you need to say. You freeze, lose your voice, cave in. Simply put you have trouble standing your ground, banishing self-doubt, and leading with self-confidence.

So how are you going to do that? How are you going to lean into the self-doubt and start to send a new message to your body? I’ve asked Brisa Silvestre to help us with that. Let me introduce you to one of the most open-hearted women I know. Brisa Silvestri is a hot yoga and an Anna Forest certified yoga teacher.  She is going to help us embody the confidence we want to feel.

“Open your heart”,  Brisa says. When you constrict your body and pull in for protection,  you close your heart. A closed heart is an insecure defensive posture. An open heart is vulnerable and powerful all at the same time. This is the Feminine paradox. Masculine strength is embodied by the squared shoulders, fists up protecting the heart. Think of a boxer. It is all about the offense and the defense- not about connection. We need the Feminine for that. Let’s redefine what we mean by strength. Let’s rewrite some old notions that don’t fit anymore.

To be good- we have stifled our impulses to the point of stifling the very life out of us. Let’s turn now to getting that open-hearted Feminine power that will help with self-confidence. To achieve an open heart, watch how shoulder shrugs help. And… wait for it, in Goddess pose of course. Drawing in the energy from the earth while you are calling mother earth to assist you.  She is always there holding you. Who can doubt herself when mother earth has her back? Heck, mother earth has all of us.

Using Ujjayi breath, Brisa demonstrates incorporating the benefits of a kind of breathing that support the goddess pose. Ujjay breath regulates heating the body. The friction of the air passing through the lungs and throat generates internal body heat. Additional benefits include diminished pain from headaches, relief of sinus pressure, a decrease in phlegm, and strengthening the nervous and digestive systems. Open-hearted, grounded in the feminine divine, shoulders back and getting down to it- let’s learn all about it.

So, click below, and let’s see Brisa do her magic.

To find out of you are caught in the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out!

If you want to change & embody self-confidence - you need to take it up with your body. Click To Tweet

First, you must understand- to embody self-confidence you must get out of your head and into your body. Click To Tweet”

It isn't enough to merely understand on an intellectual level what went wrong with your mother/daughter relationship. Awareness is essential and at the same time, not enough. Click To Tweet

Masculine strength is embodied by the squared shoulders, fists up protecting the heart. Think of a boxer. It is all about the offense and the defense- not about connection. We need the Feminine for that. Click To Tweet”

To be good- we have stifled our impulses to the point of stifling the very life out of us. Click To Tweet When you constrict your body and pull in for protection, you close your heart. Click To Tweet An open heart is vulnerable and powerful all at the same time. This is the Feminine paradox. Click To Tweet Who can doubt herself when mother earth has her back? Heck, mother earth has all of us. Click To Tweet Drawing in the energy from the earth while you are calling mother earth to assist you. She is always there holding you. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

How To Stand Up To Mom, Even If You Struggle

by Katherine Fabrizio

Do you struggle to stand up for yourself? Can you stand up to your mom, mother-in-law, step-mother or another woman in a position of authority? Have you ever let someone get away with being rude or unkind to you and… you say nothing? 

Does your mother, mother-in-law or stepmother criticize or put you down habitually? Perhaps she is always putting you down, giving you back-handed compliments or simply putting you on the spot with her implied criticism.

If your mother habitually criticizes you, will you stand up for yourself? Will you say something or swallow this one …yet again? If you remain silent do you kick yourself afterward? If you let them “get away with it”, why should anything change?

If this sounds like you – I have help for you here.

 Watch below-

If you would rather read-  

So many daughters in the role of “good daughter” remain silent when a hostile critical comment comes their way. The barb, the swipe, is leveled at them and they freeze. The “good daughter” is programmed not rock the boat and to smooth things over. Yet, she knows deep down she goes against herself by remaining silent. If this sounds like you, let me break down what is happening. The problem with not speaking up for yourself is that resentment builds & erodes your self-confidence. You remain conflicted and have a hard time trusting anyone. When you let resentment build over time you worry you will blow up if you speak your mind. How do you address hostility that comes your way without losing your cool or playing doormat? Let’s come into the moment –  when you need to confront hurtful behavior. You might respond like this-

“You know, that was really hurtful. I’m not sure you meant to hurt me, but that’s how it came across. Could you tell me why you want to say that?”

If you’re met with silence, you might’ve just taken the other person off guard, or conversely you might have called them out on their hostility. When you are habitually bullied by another woman, she is counting on you to remain passive. If the comment wasn’t intended as hurtful, then she has a chance to regroup and say something along the lines of-

“Oh, I’m so sorry.  What you felt isn’t what I intended. Let’s talk about it”

By bringing up what was hurtful and hearing a response, you can tell quite a lot. Whether you get a thoughtful response, silence or a hostile defense,

Here is what you can know for sure-

No matter what the outcome, you’ve stood up for yourself in a way that’s direct, kind and compassionate. When you stand up for yourself the people in your life will sit up and take notice. You aren’t merely being good. This is good. Good for you. Stand up for yourself and let your voice be heard.

To find out if you are caught in the Good Daughter trap- go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out!

When you stand up for yourself the people in your life will sit up and take notice. Click To Tweet When you let resentment build over time you worry you will blow up if you speak your mind. Click To Tweet The problem with not speaking up for yourself is that resentment builds & erodes your self-confidence. Click To Tweet When you are habitually bullied by another woman, she is counting on you to remain passive. Click To Tweet

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

Are You Too Sensitive or Is Mom Intrusive?

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

Is your mother an intrusive mother or are you just too sensitive? How can you tell? Here’s the scene- your inbox or phone is flooded with an avalanche of unanswered emails, texts or messages from mom? Requests, demands, and opinions, oh my! And, “Would you please get back to me right away, thank you very much.” As fast as she can churn them out, mom reaches through cyberspace and poof a much-needed layer of protective boundary dissolves into thin air. With the stroke of a keyboard or the sound of a ringtone, she has ready access to you.

 

Does mom appropriate your participation in her communications with you?

-Are you cast as an audience member, one amongst many?

-Is your privacy is violated in a forward?

-Are you appropriated into a personal back and forth she has with a third party?

( And this is just phone and email. Yet, the way it goes down is indicative of  all of the interactions with an intrusive mother) 

4 Ways this happens-

1)Mom instructs you to call someone or give someone a visit. She instructs rather than asks.

2) Without your consent, she forwards an email exchange you thought was a private one between the two of you. She forgets or never thinks about asking for your permission first.

3) Or, my personal favorite, mom CCs you on really personal exchange she is having with a third party. You’d rather sit this one out, thank you very much, but alas you have been drafted into the exchange.

4) With the group email function, mom assembles an audience, (yes, that’s you there in the stands) and uses it to showcase what an important and caring parent/family member she is.

YIKES!

Where does this leave you? Since you can’t “unsee” or “receive” said emails, this, of course, leaves you in the, oh so awkward position of having to decide how to, and if, you should respond. Do you bear silent witness, say nothing and run the risk of appearing to convey agreement through your silence? Now that you, of course, have seen said missive, is it incumbent on you to weigh in lest you appear unfeeling? Or, horror of all horrors, does your silence imply that you were in on whole dysfunctional debacle from the beginning?

ARRRGGGG!

Primetime for mother manipulator for sure. There you are enjoying your life, or for that matter, not enjoying your life. You mistakenly assumed it was, in fact, YOUR life. Yet, in a flash of an email fly by you are kidnapped from the sidelines and whisked into the biopic of your mother’s life. It is not completely apparent why Mom casts you as audience or to her communications, but you smell a manipulative maneuver.

What does this tell you about mom and her difficult ways? No matter what the reason or reasons, it is indirect, not altogether sensitive and, wait for it; the hallmark of a difficult mother who is driven more by her needs than regard for your feelings. Self–absorbed, for sure. Yes, of course, that is the truth of it, as always. The interaction is driven by the fact that the difficult mom has to prove herself, both to herself and to others.

You are merely a come with.

You feel the intrusion but mom is so used to plowing over your boundaries that you wonder if you are the one that has the problem.

It’s not you. Yet, this intrusion on mom’s part is so habitual and expected that you grow calloused.  It becomes harder and harder to call mom out without being consumed with guilt. It is and isn’t personal. That is both the good news and the bad news. The calculator in mom’s unconscious has done the math and determined that it is perfectly acceptable for her to use you to make herself look good. The sad truth of the matter is – she may not even be aware that her actions leave you feeling hurt. In fact, you feel bad but tell yourself to stop being so sensitive. I have a better idea-

Instead of asking, “Am I too sensitive?” Ask instead, “Is mom is too intrusive?” What if you aren’t too sensitive but just sensitive enough- to know it when you are treated as if your feelings don’t count. If you tell your mother that certain actions on her part make you feel bad, and she keeps on doing them multiple times…. you have to wonder why. What if this treatment leaves you feeling like you really don’t matter… for a good reason. What if the reason has nothing to do with you? Will you continue to take it without speaking up and stuffing your frustration and anger?

*Will you continue to tell yourself you are too sensitive when in fact the relationship is unbalanced? This kind of unbalance has its fingerprint in every interaction with the difficult, Narcissistic  Mother or the Mother who has  Narcissistic traits. If you recognize yourself,  this dynamic is stealing your confidence. And this corrosive dynamic undermines your self-esteem. You end up living a life that is based on making someone else happy at your expense. Will you go on quietly as the Good Daughter, or will you choose to become real?

Next steps- take the good daughter quiz here. 

Raise Awareness. Break the Cycle. Tweet It Out.

Are You Too Sensitive or Is Mom Intrusive? Click To Tweet You feel the intrusion but mom is so used to plowing over your boundaries that you wonder if you are the one that has the problem. Click To Tweet What if you aren't too sensitive but just sensitive enough- to know it when you are treated as if your feelings don't count. Click To Tweet If you tell your mother that certain actions on her part make you feel bad, and she keeps on doing them multiple times.... you have to wonder why. Click To Tweet *Will you continue to take it without speaking up and stuffing your frustration and anger? *Will you continue to tell yourself you are too sensitive when in fact the relationship is unbalanced? Click To Tweet

 

 

Get the meditation for the bad feelings.

Audio-

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

  

Being Good For Mom Can Be Bad For Her Grown Daughter

by Katherine Fabrizio

overall1

When is “good for mom” bad for you?

Do you work hard to be good for mom, make mom look good or make sure mom is good with you?

Do you seek her approval yet secretly wonder if this is in your best interest? You may feel inadequate, struggle with self-doubt, and not know exactly why?

Could it be that your mother relates to you in a toxic way that undermines your confidence and self-esteem you are so used to it – you can’t see it?

It may seem normal to you that you second guess your every decision and apologize constantly. You aren’t quite sure where you end, and your mother begins. You may be so used to living this way you aren’t even aware that life could feel any different.

What drives a toxic mother/daughter relationship? Underneath many a demanding or controlling mother’s facade is an insecure person who worries she will be found out.  Or the flip side of the same coin,  mom may be a meek and mild wounded mother who isn’t outwardly critical but drags her daughter down in more subtle ways.

Narcissism/Borderline/Histrionic personality disorders or traits of these disorders can be overt or covert. At the root of all of the personality disorders and traits is a desperate insecurity that drives mom to act in destructive ways. 

Good for mom/bad for you works like this-

Deep down, a mother who has little self-worth needs her attuned daughter to boost her sense of self. The daughter, in the role of the “good daughter,” picks this up at the unconscious level. She experiences herself as an extension of mom and without being fully conscious of why she works at being “good” for mom. Many times the “good daughter” knows, or suspects, her difficult mother is narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, depressed, or codependent. What she does knows for sure, however, is that she is very attuned to the effect she has on her mother.

Many a difficult mother plays on the Good Daughter’s eagerness to please. The daughter’s childlike self-has a very hard time telling mom things she knows mom doesn’t want to hear. Even adult daughters have an almost 6th sense of how mom is feeling about herself and may sacrifice themselves for their mother’s well-being by letting mom run roughshod over her boundaries or put mom’s needs first.

Here are–3 signs you are being good for mom at your own expense. 

1) You know the phrase all too well, ” If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” You will do just about anything to keep mom happy. Even if it means making you, your husband, partner or children unhappy.  As much as you hate to admit it, making mom happy comes first.

2) You try extra hard to be “good” for mom. You are hyper-aware of how your actions make your mother look to others. You let this dictate much of what you do and say.

3) You run all of your major life decisions by mom first. If she doesn’t think you should take the job, marry the man, change your hairstyle, you second-guess yourself. Mom’s opinions matter way more than they should.

 

What’s wrong with this?

When a daughter, in the role of the “good daughter,” feels she owes mom her happiness, neither party is served. This cycle can be insidious and fueled by guilt such that many a daughter is unaware that her life has been hijacked by mom’s problems, her insecurities. The Good Daughter buys into the unconscious fantasy that says if she is good enough mom will be O.K. The problem is…she may spend a lifetime, waste a lifetime, trying to be good enough for mom.

And her own daughter will suffer.

Because she is so tied to being good for mom, the adult daughter of the difficult mother has a hard time being an effective mom to her own daughter. She doesn’t know where to set limits with her daughter or how to model valuing herself. Her daughter may see her as a doormat or experience her as chronically stressed and unhappy.

Also trying to make mom happy doesn’t work on an ongoing basis. It can’t work because change, like happiness, is an inside job. You cannot GIVE your mother self-worth.

What can you do?

You can learn how to get out of the good daughter traps set for you. You can learn how to set healthy boundaries, tap into your feminine power, rewire your brain, and parent your own daughter from a place of confidence. There are patterns that are not serving you, once realized, can be healed. By clearing up this toxicity in your relationship with your own mother you supercharge your ability to parent your own daughter.  One impacts the other in powerful ways.

When will you say enough? “I want to clear away the blocks that keep me from being the best mother I can be. The cycle of shame, guilt, and self-doubt stops here.”

Find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter Syndrome -go here.

Find Your Voice. Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

It may seem normal to you that you second guess your every decision and apologize constantly. You aren't quite sure where you end, and your mother begins. Click To Tweet Being Good For Mom Can Be Bad For Her Grown Daughter Click To Tweet You cannot GIVE your mother self-worth. Click To Tweet By clearing up this toxicity in your relationship with your own mother you supercharge your ability to parent your own daughter. One impacts the other in powerful ways. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

Audio-

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

Difficult Mom? The Secret To Letting Go & Moving On

by Katherine Fabrizio

Can your mother empathize with you? Can she get past her defensiveness and put herself in your place? What if the answer is no? What if she doesn’t get you and never will. How do you let go of the hope that she will and move on with your life? What if you need to get past this, claim your life for yourself and parent your daughter.

First of all -this can be hard, very hard. Those of us who have traveled this road can tell you, there are are some things that don’t get better just because you continue to try.  Trying to get a mother understanding when it isn’t in the cards is one of those. There comes a time when you need to be your own witness.

As hard as this is, it may be the only way to freedom. Trapped in the role of the “good daughter” of your difficult mother, you bear the mark of your mother’s pain in this way- You have put your mother’s needs ahead of your own. In the relationship dynamic, you had no choice. To end this cycle, you might need to face the fact that justice is only going to come from you, and that will have to be enough.

The little girl in you wants for mom to understand and approve of you. You have worked so hard to be good for mom. But what if you need for her to understand that she is hurting you and she just can’t give you that one? Because of her limitations, she can’t put herself in your shoes and see things from your perspective. Some mothers just can’t.  And you have your own little girl looking at you…needing you. She needs you to be there for her. It is decision time.

At some point, the only relevant question becomes whether or not you are going to spend a lifetime trying to be heard and seen by someone who just can’t see you or hear you. If you’ve talked yourself blue in the face and find yourself always on the defensive, chances are there isn’t anyone home- psychologically speaking. At least not enough of reflective self to take in what you have to say. Whether she is narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, depressed, addicted, a toxic combo or you have simply hit a hot-button issue, she might be incapable of taking in what you have to say.

How do I know? I’ve heard many a daughter, trapped in the role of the Good Daughter on my therapy couch describe this same scenario over and over. Unconsciously, you blame yourself and stay tied to a mother who can’t truly empathize with you falsely thinking if you could only get it right then mom will understand and accept you.

If mom can’t empathize with you, you cannot experience the understanding you hungry for. So, one more explanation that falls on deaf ears is one too many. Let me save you some time, trouble and possible therapy dollars. As difficult as it is, at some point, you are better off cutting your losses, grieving and moving on. Calmly, peacefully and thoughtfully, but definitively.

To continue in the exhausting exercise of explaining yourself reaches a point of diminishing returns.No one can tell you where this point of diminishing return is. You have to sort it through for yourself. No contact, low contact or reconfigured contact. But somewhere, sometime, you will need to let go of explaining yourself to get free.

Whether you are giving up being understood on a certain hot-button issue or need more of a relationship overhaul, that is up to you. Either way, giving up and letting it drop is hard. Mom may have limitations she cannot get past. Staying angry with her doesn’t necessarily get you anywhere. It only keeps you stuck and feeling guilty. The positive grown-up thing to do is to accept the loss and give up wishing she was different. You can use that same energy to decide to be different yourself.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome – go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

There are are some things that don't get better just because you continue to try. Trying to get a mother's understanding when it isn't in the cards is one of those. Click To Tweet But what if you need your mother to understand that she is hurting you and she just can't give you that one? Click To Tweet Unconsciously, you blame yourself and stay tied to a mother who can't truly empathize with you falsely thinking if you could only get it right then mom will understand and accept you. Click To Tweet You were marked with your mother's pain. You don't have to pass that mark on to your daughter. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

Audio

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL CLOSER TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND RAISE HER SELF ESTEEM – 3 HOW TO STEPS

Do You Want To Feel Closer To Your Daughter And Raise Her Self-Esteem?
3 Easy “How-To” Steps...
That Work Like Magic!

new-guide-photo

This is how we rise.

Are You A Chronic People Pleaser? This Could Be Why – ( Hiding behind a False Self)

by Katherine Fabrizio

How the people pleasing false self develops.  

Was saying “No” to mom simply not an option?

“No mom, I don’t want that.”

“No mom, I’d rather not do that.”

“No mom, I can’t help you with that.”

If it wasn’t acceptable to be your real self with mom you needed to develop a faux or false self. A mask you wear to mom and now to the rest of the world. Because the relationship with mom is so foundational you don’t trust anyone can accept you for who you really are.

Particularly vulnerable are daughters of Narcissistic/Difficult mothers. They often develop in childhood what Alice Miller calls a “false self”. This false self-develops to cope with the demands of being raised by a mother who needs her daughter to be better than she is.

Instead of feeling unconditional acceptance from her mother, the daughter’s false self-knows exactly what is expected of her and strives to please mom at the expense of her authentic self.

The false self is approval seeking, people pleasing and dangerously detached from the essential/authentic self. To break free, she must first know what purpose the false self-serves.

Learn more here-  ( remember to click on CC to read with the sound off)

Transcription

How people can develop a false self early in childhood and become detached from their authentic feelings. One concept that comes up a lot when I’m talking to women is Alice Miller’s concept of the “false self.” This is formed in childhood when your authentic needs and impulses are responded to by a lot of upset from a parent. Then a parent, because of their own unmet needs, a need for reassurance and validation, inadvertently many times uses the child to be the reassuring or the performing or reassure the parent that they’re a good parent. They need the child to be a hyper-adult, to be finished and more advanced than they can be developmentally. Alice Miller calls this a “false self.” The child develops a people-pleasing false self that looks good on the outside but is really disconnected from the internal developmental needs. A lot of daughters with this false self will be people-pleasers. They will make everybody else happy but not themselves but have a sense of emptiness, of chronic emptiness and disconnection from their real selves. They’ll be taking care of everybody and wonder along the line, “What about me? I’m doing this for my mother or somebody else, and I know it’s what they want from me, but when’s it gonna be my turn?” Many things can happen with this chronic feeling of emptiness. They can drink too much, eat too much, do too much. to fill the emptiness they feel.  There are all kinds of offshoots from this disconnect, which is formed in childhood and Alice Miller’s concept of the “false self.” One thing that therapy can certainly do is help get you back in touch with your authentic, real self. You can act from this self more and more and have more satisfying relationships and leave this false self behind. I’m Katherine Fabrizio. Be good to yourself.

 

Find out if you are trapped in the role of the Good Daughter- go here.

Become Aware. Tweet It Out-

Are You A Chronic People Pleaser? This Could Be Why – ( Hiding behind a False Self) Click To Tweet If it wasn't acceptable to be your real self with mom you needed to develop a faux or false self. Click To Tweet This false self-develops to cope with the demands of being raised by a mother who needs her daughter to be better than she is. Click To Tweet The false self is approval seeking, people pleasing and dangerously detached from the essential/authentic self. Click To Tweet Daughters with a false self many times have a chronic emptiness and disconnection from their real selves. Click To Tweet

 

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

 

 

 

A Poem From The Adult Daughter To The Difficult Mother : Not Your Fault, Not Mine, Just Is

by Katherine Fabrizio

461(1)

I never forget, empathetic daughters of narcissistic/difficult mothers hurt. They must walk away from the (emotional) table hungry again and again.

Underneath the anger and resentment they feel is a deep longing for a mother who can truly see them and accept them for who they are. They don’t have that. They will never have that. They live with that.

They’d rather not blame or criticize their mother but to save themselves they need to understand. In the end, they are destined to navigate this life without a mother’s love that feels good.

I hope this poem speaks to your soul and offers you the balm of understanding. You are not alone.  Healing begins with understanding.

icon3

Transcript: Poem From the Adult Daughter to the Narcissistic/Difficult Mother

Not Your Fault, Not Mine, Just Is

I stand before you but you can’t see me.

My life. My heart. Myself. You can’t see or feel it.

My actions, my motives, are never ever good enough.

Good enough for you to see me. Truly see me.

As separate from you, my own person, not your do-over.

The mirror that you hold up to me, the good daughter, and to yourself only reflects back our imagined shameful flaws or our made up bigger than life glories.

The cruelty, the tragedy is.. neither are true.

What goes missing is the tender middle ground, the humanity behind the mask.

Instead that fun house…. mirror is all too present….

Trapping us both

Obscuring, distorting, exaggerating.

It might have been fun but it is anything but.

Not your fault, not mine, just is.

I explain, defend myself ….. perform… umm …never mind.

It never really changes anything. … just a voice crying….. into the wilderness of your emptiness.

Onto the theater of your play pretend.

Twirling twirling … look, mom, I’m dancing as fast as I can giving it my all.

Never let them see you sweat.

Now ….. alone on the stage ready to take my bow

Only to find. No one home. Effort played to an empty house.

A single hand claps or does it?

A hollowness reverberates, no ears to hear.

Not your fault, not mine, just is.

For myself, there is no witness, no understanding, no solid place to land when I am spent.

Yet hope springs eternal, infernal, maternal.

Look at me! Look at me, mom! Am I good enough, this time?

Did I get it right this time? Did I? But you can’t.

Can’t see past your own insecurities, the leak in your boat of a self too large.

Frantically trying to bail water, you are, so that you don’t sink yourself.

Not your fault, not mine, just is.

Like an etch-a-sketch pad, I think you get it, get me and in an instant, it all becomes undone, invisible…. never was…. I guess.

Not your fault, not mine, just is.

You and I can’t get past it. It isn’t our fault.

It isn’t that you won’t. I think if you could, you would. You can’t.

What happened, mom? Who dropped the ball of your self-esteem that you so desperately need me to pick up?

Need me, yet rendered you blind to the real me. So we go through the motions, the game of life without touching.

It is time for me to leave home, yet again, as I have so many times before.

To walk away from the table still hungry.

Empty handed, unseen, unheard.

Not your fault, not mine, just is.

To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role  -go here.

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

Angel-Wings-150